I’d tell you a joke about herbs

But I don’t have enough thyme to do that

On my weekends I've been inventing a machine that can distribute herbs and spices to any place at my dining table.

It's not much, but it passes the thyme.

What is the most popular herb in Asia?

Koreander.

Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.

I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."

Imagine a world without herbs. It would be basically the same...

But it would be missing just a little something.

*Credit to Sean Lock

I’m making a belt decorated with herbs

My friends tell me it’s a waste of thyme

My weekend is looking like a poorly organized herb gardener.

Nothing but thyme on my hands.

Did you hear about the guy who went to prison for smoking herbs?

He's doing time for doing thyme.

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Was running late so I jacked off in the herb garden.

I wanted to cum on thyme.

My girlfriend threatened to leave me over my reliance on herbs...

But I said I needed thyme to think.

My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow.

It was sage advice.

What happened to the Herb Farmer when evidence was found that he'd been stealing from his company?

He was convicted on counts of Embasilment.

Why does a bored chef cut herbs?

He wants to waste thyme!

I’ll let myself out

I couldn't find the right herb while cooking the other day. So I put oregano in instead...

I always try to make up for lost thyme

Just watched a 5-minute video of some guy throwing herbs in the garbage

What a complete waste of thyme

My lil brother wanted to make a herb bouquet.

My little brother wanted to make a herb bouquet for his school assignment. So i helped him to make it. It took us 5 hours to collect all kinds of herbs from our garden and made an amazing bouquet. But the next morning, when he had to go to school, the herbs were dried and ugly.

Turns out, al...

I just found an amazing way to grow herbs!

It may take some thyme, though...

When should you crush herbs?

When you need to kill some Thyme!

When I'm bored I like to sprinkle dried herbs into my palms

I have way too much thyme on my hands.

I finally published my book on Mediterranean herbs

It's about thyme

My friends always say I’m late, so I’ve started putting herbs in my shoes.

Now I can always be on thyme.

Headline: Herb-Powered Vehicle Sends User to Past or Future of Choice

Byline: Thyme Travel

I recently finished my long overdue book on my favourite herb....

It’s about thyme

I went to the farmers market to get some herbs and vegetables.

But when my friends invited me over for some pizza, I figured it was a waste of thyme.

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

What pronouns does Rosemary like to go by?

She/Herb.

For Sale: Gents trouser belt made of plaited herbs.

No thyme waisters, please.

After years of searching, I finally found a great herb joke.

It's about thyme.

If you've spent ages figuring out how to put herbs and spices on your belt loop...

...you've waisted thyme.

A chef made my soup in a rush and I asked "Why didn't you add any herbs and spices?"

He said "Sorry, I didn't have the thyme".

I told my wife that I’ll start arranging the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.

She said, “Where would you find the time?”

Me: Easy. Right next to the sage.

Whoever took my herbs last night:



You’re living on borrowed thyme

I almost completed my collection of herbs and spices today!

But i didn't have the thyme.

I once knew a very wise herb gardner

He was know for his sage advice

My flirtatious neighbor called me and said that she bought too many zucchinis and ended up making two cheese and zucchini pies. She said I was welcome to come over and take one, and she also had some left over herbs that I could have.

So I went over, and she told she had just finished reading a Cosmo article called "which traffic sign are you?"



"Which traffic sign would your ideal woman be?" she asked me seductively.



I said " Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra t...

Does Sean Connery like herbs?

Yes, but only partially.

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I had sex with garlic bread

Now I have herbes.

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At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

I really need to upgrade my knowledge about a particular herb.

It's about thyme.

I would put more herbs in my meals

but I can never find the thyme

I was in my herb garden yesterday and one of my plants told me I was useless.

I think it was discouragemint.

A Vietnamese restaurant is offering herbed potato sticks served with a bowl of noodle soup.

Thyme fries when you’re having pho.

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

When I do the gardening, I alphabetise my herbs, people often ask how I find the time.

I respond with "Easy, Thyme is right between the Tarragon and Turmeric"

A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.

He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."

After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have ...

What’s a postman’s favourite herb?

Parcel-y

I was going to add some herbs to my cooking

but I had to serve it soon and there wasn’t any thyme

My son used herbs and spices for dinner tonight...

I told him to stop as he's not a seasoned professional

I want to open a dispensary for people who like weed, but not too much...

...I’m going to call it *Herb Your Enthusiasm*.

I was bored, so I spent all day re-arranging my spice rack, only for one of the herb jars to exploded all over me...

I've got way too much thyme on my hands

Did you hear about the poor herb farmer?

He was always having to work over thyme.

If you get helpful tips from a man called Herb...

Is it sage advice?

I was thinking about doing a practical joke involving herbs

But I’m not gonna waste my thyme

Barry Allen (the Flash) wanted to have an herb garden, but decided against it.

I mean, he really shouldn't be travelling through thyme...

I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish...

I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice...

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Gordon Ramsey today released his long-awaited book about having sex with herbs.

It's about fucking thyme.

Why did Satan keep growing his herb garden even when his oregano died each time?

Because he always had a Hell of a good thyme.

The Heart-Shaped Herb has been responsible for granting superhuman powers to every King of Wakanda in the line.

It blessed the reigns down in Africa.

Four farmers are feeding their chickens

The first farmer asks, "So, how do y'all like your chicken?"

The second farmer says, "I like mine roasted with some herbs and spices."

The third farmer says, "I like mine deep fried with some biscuits and gravy."

The fourth farmer takes out a bag of marijuana and feeds it to his...

My neighbor was very urgent when asking me for herbs.

He said that he was running out of thyme.

I was unlucky to be sacked as a chef for using the incorrect fish and herbs

Wrong plaice, wrong thyme

My girlfriend left me because she said I focus too much on growing and giving away herbs for really low prices

Now I don't know what to do with all this free thyme on my hands

Did you hear about the man who reviews herbs and spices?

I heard he's a seasoned expert.

A woman once claimed she could hit me from across the kitchen with a fancy bottle of herbs.

I told her not to threaten me with a good thyme.

I was hosting a funeral for my goldfish, and my friend thought it was okay to ask "What herbs should I season which fish with?"

I told him "Come on dude, there's a thyme and plaice."

My mom asked me to throw some herbs in our dinner...

I told her I didn’t have the thyme.

Some people dislike parsley in their liquid dishes

but I think it's soup herb.

Did you hear about the chef who spilled his herbs on the floor?

Cleaning it up was a massive waste of thyme.

We should move to a herb based fuel economy

We can finally make the trains run on thyme.

Picking herbs is an awful job...

... It's very thyme consuming.

If you break your leg... put some herbs on it.

I mean, thyme heals all wounds.

What's a blind pothead's favorite herb?

Seaweed

A tale of Middle Earth

In the land of Gondor there lived one of the most renowned gardeners in all of Middle Earth.


All the various people would come to Master Kizal for healing herbs that could be found nowhere except his gardens. The Elves would come to him for rare tree saplings and advice on how to care f...

Herb was diagnosed with cancer.

It was a basil-cell carcinoma.

What basic skill do herb farmers always struggle with?

Thyme management

2 weeks building a greenhouse for my herbs only to see it blown away in freak winds

What a waste of thyme!

I asked a friend of mine what it was like being a herb farmer....

...He said its not so bad and that he had a lot of thyme on his hands.

The moment I knew she was a sub

Was when I licked her forehead and it tasted of Italian herbs and cheese

An Italian herb seller gets a loan from the mafia.

Two weeks later, the boss walks in for his payment. Unable to pay his debt, the herb seller pleads for his life.

"Please sir, give me one more week!" he exclaims.

"No," responds the boss, "your thyme is up."

I've never really got the point of herbs and seasoning...

I just think it's a waste of thyme.

Why couldn't the man open a fish and herb shop?

Because he didn't have the thyme or the plaice.

Why did the toucan go to prison?

He was puffin the herb.

A man in Victorian clothes just appeared out of thin air and handed me a fistful of herbs.

I think he might be a Thyme traveller.

I heard if you look in a map's corner and see the words "BLOODY ROSEMARY," you'll die.

But that's just an herb in legend.

Did you hear about the vegan what converted their car to run run on herbs?

They wanted to thyme travel!

I've finally finished my fresh herb cookbook

It's about thyme

A cook's apprentice is throwing copious amounts of herbs into the dish

When the cook walks in and says "STOP WASTING MY THYME"

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A convent of Catholic nuns receives a letter saying the Pope himself will be visiting in just a few days

They are all very excited and nervous. Mothers Mary, Agnes, and Isadore take it upon themselves to prepare the convent to receive His Holiness and plan a simple but delicious meal of fresh caught fish from the local lake with herbs and vegetables from their own garden.

Agnes goes to the loca...

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I am getting around to writing my essay on herbs for my botany class...

It's about thyme

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:
"This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took ...

Why do gardeners hand out their herbs?

To pass the thyme.

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A man owns and runs a bar

So a man owns and runs a bar. He’s talking to his latest guest. “See this bar? I built it myself. Do they call me Fred the builder? No. See that stool you’re sitting on? Built it myself. Do they call me Fred the carpenter? No. See that bridge out to mainland? Built it myself. Do they call me Fred th...

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

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The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hold him, he need some attention.

Herb decided to propose to Jill, but prior to her acceptance; Jill felt she had to confess to her man that she suffered from a condition that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

Herb said that it was okay because he loved her so much. However, Herb felt this was also the tim...

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