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Herb Jokes

I changed the tags of my mother’s herb jars. She hasn’t notice it yet..

But the thyme is cumin

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

I told my wife that I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.

Her: How would you find the time?

Me: Easy. It’ll be right next to the sage.

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Did you hear about the farm hand that got fired for having sex in the herbs?

He was fucking on company thyme.

I Hate Throwing Herbs Away

It’s such a waste of thyme.

Did I ever tell you the joke about my favorite garden herb?

No? Well, it’s about thyme!

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Did you hear about the guy that got fired from the Herb Farm for defecating in the field?

Yeah, he got caught shittin' on company thyme.

What is the best herb to give your lover?

A BAE leaf

If you've spent ages figuring out how to hang herbs and spices off your belt...

You've probably waisted thyme.

I'll take a 6 inch Meatball marinara on Italian herbs and cheese please

Actually, make it a 6 inch Spicy Italian on Herbs and cheese.

[EDIT] Sorry, wrong sub

What’s Bruce Buffer’s favourite herb?

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit’s THYME

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At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

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What's the sexiest herb?

It's not basil, but it *is* dilldo.

I want to tell you a joke about some herbs and fish

But this is neither the thyme or the plaice

A guru of a chef once gave me invaluable tips regarding herbs.

It was sage advice.

Apparently adding herbs to your garbage can makes it smell better.

But I don't have thyme for that rubbish.

They FINALLY published my book on herbs

It's about thyme

My wife always weeps when we go to the herbs and spices section of our grocery store...

...Seasonal depression is no joke, guys.

Growing herbs can be very profitable

After all, thyme is money

Out of all of Aesop's Fables, my favorite is the one about the herbs

It's a thyme-less tale that ends with some really sage advice.

I've always wanted to make a joke about a herb. I will put it off no longer!

It is about thyme....

I really need to plant some herbs of my own as soon as possible.

I'm living on borrowed thyme.

I was bored so I made a robot to distribute herbs

It helped pass the thyme

Bought loads of herbs last month still haven't paid for them.

Hope they don't send the bay leafs round.

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I made a shit recipe with all the herbs and spices i know

Anyways it was a waste of thyme

My wife says I get way too overexcited when I cook and that I always end up using too many herbs in my dishes.

So she told me to take a thyme out.

What do you call a funny herb?

Sillyantro

Did you hear about the guy who owned the Earth's supply of herbs?

He had all the thyme in the world

Why couldn't Mary Poppins keep her herb garden alive?

Because Bert kept stepping in the thyme.

Did you hear Gordon Ramsay wrote a book about herbs?

It’s about thyme!

I hope I can save my herb garden from this infestation.

I'm running out of thyme!

Did you see the movie about the dinosaurs that couldn’t find the herbs?

It was the land before thyme.

I’ve always wondered why my local grocery store has trouble keeping the herbs stocked.

I guess there’s just never enough thyme.

How long does it take to grow a herb garden?

A lot of thyme

Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate.

I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things...

After years of searching, I finally found a great herb joke.

It's about thyme.

Have you noticed that some herbs taste much better at Christmas?

It's the most wonderful thyme of the year.

Where does a herb garden go on holiday?

Bazil

Does Sean Connery like herbs?

Yes, but only partially.

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Whenever I’m late for work I just masturbate near the herb rack

That way I always come on thyme.

What is the most popular herb in Asia?

Koreander.

My wife left me because, according to her, I talk about herbs and spices too much.

Oh well.... It was probably thyme.

Why does a bored chef cut herbs?

He wants to waste thyme!

I’ll let myself out

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Gordon Ramsey today released his long-awaited book about having sex with herbs.

It's about fucking thyme.

I recently finished my long overdue book on my favourite herb....

It’s about thyme

Whoever took my herbs last night:



You’re living on borrowed thyme

Herb was diagnosed with cancer.

It was a basil-cell carcinoma.

Did you hear about scientist exposing herbs to nuclear radiation?

It led to some amazing exspearmints.

I just found an amazing way to grow herbs!

It may take some thyme, though...

I spent over 3 hours making a belt out of herbs, but in hindsight...

it's just a waist of thyme.

My lil brother wanted to make a herb bouquet.

My little brother wanted to make a herb bouquet for his school assignment. So i helped him to make it. It took us 5 hours to collect all kinds of herbs from our garden and made an amazing bouquet. But the next morning, when he had to go to school, the herbs were dried and ugly.

Turns out, al...

What's a blind pothead's favorite herb?

Seaweed

My weekend is looking like a poorly organized herb gardener.

Nothing but thyme on my hands.

We should move to a herb based fuel economy

We can finally make the trains run on thyme.

I have developed this weird ability to move some spices and herbs

I can control thyme

My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow.

It was sage advice.

To deal with the high price of petroleum, public transport systems are looking at alternative fuels, including grasses and herbs.

The program has had some failures, but on the bright side at least the trains run on thyme.

I would put more herbs in my meals

but I can never find the thyme

Did you hear about the guy who went to prison for smoking herbs?

He's doing time for doing thyme.

Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.

I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."

I once knew a very wise herb gardner

He was know for his sage advice

I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish...

I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice...

My girlfriend threatened to leave me over my reliance on herbs...

But I said I needed thyme to think.

I really need to upgrade my knowledge about a particular herb.

It's about thyme.

Headline: Herb-Powered Vehicle Sends User to Past or Future of Choice

Byline: Thyme Travel

I grew a massive herb in my garden.

I told all of my family and friends about it but none of them thought it was a big dill.

An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Won...

Picking herbs is an awful job...

... It's very thyme consuming.

What basic skill do herb farmers always struggle with?

Thyme management

I was walking down the street and from a window a pot of herbs fell on my head...

Im alright, it wasn't a big dill

Did you hear about the man who reviews herbs and spices?

I heard he's a seasoned expert.

If you get helpful tips from a man called Herb...

Is it sage advice?

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:
"This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took ...

When I'm bored I like to sprinkle dried herbs into my palms

I have way too much thyme on my hands.

My neighbor was very urgent when asking me for herbs.

He said that he was running out of thyme.

I almost completed my collection of herbs and spices today!

But i didn't have the thyme.

What happened to the Herb Farmer when evidence was found that he'd been stealing from his company?

He was convicted on counts of Embasilment.

The herb with the most medicinal properties is Thyme...

It heals all wounds.

Why couldn't the man open a fish and herb shop?

Because he didn't have the thyme or the plaice.

I couldn't find the right herb while cooking the other day. So I put oregano in instead...

I always try to make up for lost thyme

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

I've never really got the point of herbs and seasoning...

I just think it's a waste of thyme.

I was going to add some herbs to my cooking

but I had to serve it soon and there wasn’t any thyme

I've finally finished my fresh herb cookbook

It's about thyme

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An Italian herb seller gets a loan from the mafia.

Two weeks later, the boss walks in for his payment. Unable to pay his debt, the herb seller pleads for his life.

"Please sir, give me one more week!" he exclaims.

"No," responds the boss, "your thyme is up." r/pissing

What do you call a Herb salesman who is doing well for himself?

Minted.

The waiter asked me if I wanted any herbs on my food

But I don't have the thyme for that

Why do herb pickers have so many hobbies?

They've got a lot of thyme on their hands

Barry Allen (the Flash) wanted to have an herb garden, but decided against it.

I mean, he really shouldn't be travelling through thyme...

I was unlucky to be sacked as a chef for using the incorrect fish and herbs

Wrong plaice, wrong thyme

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

On my weekends I've been inventing a machine that can distribute herbs and spices to any place at my dining table.

It's not much, but it passes the thyme.

I was in my herb garden yesterday and one of my plants told me I was useless.

I think it was discouragemint.

My mom asked me to throw some herbs in our dinner...

I told her I didn’t have the thyme.

My friends always say I’m late, so I’ve started putting herbs in my shoes.

Now I can always be on thyme.

I asked a friend of mine what it was like being a herb farmer....

...He said its not so bad and that he had a lot of thyme on his hands.

Did you hear about the chef who spilled his herbs on the floor?

Cleaning it up was a massive waste of thyme.

What do call a man with no arms or legs in a cupboard?

Herb

I was bored, so I spent all day re-arranging my spice rack, only for one of the herb jars to exploded all over me...

I've got way too much thyme on my hands

My friend told me that my herb garden looks like a mullet.

I keep the basil in the front and the parsley in the back.

A Vietnamese restaurant is offering herbed potato sticks served with a bowl of noodle soup.

Thyme fries when you’re having pho.

The Heart-Shaped Herb has been responsible for granting superhuman powers to every King of Wakanda in the line.

It blessed the reigns down in Africa.

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Hold him, he need some attention.

Herb decided to propose to Jill, but prior to her acceptance; Jill felt she had to confess to her man that she suffered from a condition that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

Herb said that it was okay because he loved her so much. However, Herb felt this was also the tim...

The Queen of France is asked by her chef what she would like her and the rest of the court to eat for dinner

"I would like to eat cheese", she said.

"Which kind of cheese?", asked the chef?

"I would like soft French cheese with garlic and herbs", replied the queen. "And there is one more thing I must insist on".

"Anything my Queen. What is it?", replied the chef.

"It is very im...

A woman once claimed she could hit me from across the kitchen with a fancy bottle of herbs.

I told her not to threaten me with a good thyme.

2 weeks building a greenhouse for my herbs only to see it blown away in freak winds

What a waste of thyme!

Did you hear about the vegan what converted their car to run run on herbs?

They wanted to thyme travel!

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