Whoever took my herbs last night:

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You’re living on borrowed thyme

The waiter asked me if I wanted any herbs on my food

But I don't have the thyme for that

I was going to make a joke about herbs and fish...

But this is neither the plaice nor the thyme to do so.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I finally finished my book on making love to herbs

It's about fucking thyme.

I almost completed my collection of herbs and spices today!

But i didn't have the thyme.

What’s a postman’s favourite herb?

Parcel-y

Did you know that there's a wrestling champion for spices and herbs?

It is called sumac down.

After years of searching, I finally found a great herb joke.

It's about thyme.

I really need to upgrade my knowledge about a particular herb.

It's about thyme.

Does Sean Connery like herbs?

He does, but only partially.

I spent 2 hours gathering herbs but ended up throwing them out.

It was a waste of thyme.

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

I would put more herbs in my meals

but I can never find the thyme

My son used herbs and spices for dinner tonight...

I told him to stop as he's not a seasoned professional

What is Korea's national herb?

Koreander

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

Barry Allen (the Flash) wanted to have an herb garden, but decided against it.

I mean, he really shouldn't be travelling through thyme...

Did you hear about the poor herb farmer?

He was always having to work over thyme.

When I do the gardening, I alphabetise my herbs, people often ask how I find the time.

I respond with "Easy, Thyme is right between the Tarragon and Turmeric"

If you get helpful tips from a man called Herb...

Is it sage advice?

The Heart-Shaped Herb has been responsible for granting superhuman powers to every King of Wakanda in the line.

It blessed the reigns down in Africa.

I was bored, so I spent all day re-arranging my spice rack, only for one of the herb jars to exploded all over me...

I've got way too much thyme on my hands

I was thinking about doing a practical joke involving herbs

But I’m not gonna waste my thyme

A woman once claimed she could hit me from across the kitchen with a fancy bottle of herbs.

I told her not to threaten me with a good thyme.

I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish...

I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice...

My neighbor was very urgent when asking me for herbs.

He said that he was running out of thyme.

What's a blind pothead's favorite herb?

Seaweed

My girlfriend left me because she said I focus too much on growing and giving away herbs for really low prices

Now I don't know what to do with all this free thyme on my hands

Did you hear about the chef who spilled his herbs on the floor?

Cleaning it up was a massive waste of thyme.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Gordon Ramsey today released his long-awaited book about having sex with herbs.

It's about fucking thyme.

I was unlucky to be sacked as a chef for using the incorrect fish and herbs

Wrong plaice, wrong thyme

What do you call an herb that sings?

Elvis Parsley.

Did you hear about the man who reviews herbs and spices?

I heard he's a seasoned expert.

My mom asked me to throw some herbs in our dinner...

I told her I didn’t have the thyme.

I was hosting a funeral for my goldfish, and my friend thought it was okay to ask "What herbs should I season which fish with?"

I told him "Come on dude, there's a thyme and plaice."

Why did Satan keep growing his herb garden even when his oregano died each time?

Because he always had a Hell of a good thyme.

If you break your leg... put some herbs on it.

I mean, thyme heals all wounds.

Picking herbs is an awful job...

... It's very thyme consuming.

I grew a massive herb in my garden.

I told all of my family and friends about it but none of them thought it was a big dill.

Why do gardeners hand out their herbs?

To pass the thyme.

We should move to a herb based fuel economy

We can finally make the trains run on thyme.

2 weeks building a greenhouse for my herbs only to see it blown away in freak winds

What a waste of thyme!

What basic skill do herb farmers always struggle with?

Thyme management

Herb was diagnosed with cancer.

It was a basil-cell carcinoma.

I asked a friend of mine what it was like being a herb farmer....

...He said its not so bad and that he had a lot of thyme on his hands.

I've never really got the point of herbs and seasoning...

I just think it's a waste of thyme.

A man in Victorian clothes just appeared out of thin air and handed me a fistful of herbs.

I think he might be a Thyme traveller.

I once made a belt out of herbs.

It wasn't very useful and just ended up being a waist of thyme.

I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches...

He said only thyme would tell.

Why couldn't the man open a fish and herb shop?

Because he didn't have the thyme or the plaice.

An Italian herb seller gets a loan from the mafia.

Two weeks later, the boss walks in for his payment. Unable to pay his debt, the herb seller pleads for his life.

"Please sir, give me one more week!" he exclaims.

"No," responds the boss, "your thyme is up."

Did you hear about the vegan what converted their car to run run on herbs?

They wanted to thyme travel!

I am getting around to writing my essay on herbs for my botany class...

It's about thyme

I've finally finished my fresh herb cookbook

It's about thyme

Did you see the headline about the film director who stormed off set after someone filled his trailer with herbs?

Michael Bay Leaves

A cook's apprentice is throwing copious amounts of herbs into the dish

When the cook walks in and says "STOP WASTING MY THYME"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

Why do herb pickers have so many hobbies?

They've got a lot of thyme on their hands

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man owns and runs a bar

So a man owns and runs a bar. He’s talking to his latest guest. “See this bar? I built it myself. Do they call me Fred the builder? No. See that stool you’re sitting on? Built it myself. Do they call me Fred the carpenter? No. See that bridge out to mainland? Built it myself. Do they call me Fred th...

You have to love those Newfies...........

A road crew supervisor in southern Ontario hired Herb from Newfoundland, to paint the yellow line down the middle of highway 10 heading up toward Wasaga Beach. He was skeptical about hiring him since he didn't have any painting background; however, he appeared enthusiastic and told him that he reall...

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:
"This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hold him, he need some attention.

Herb decided to propose to Jill, but prior to her acceptance; Jill felt she had to confess to her man that she suffered from a condition that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

Herb said that it was okay because he loved her so much. However, Herb felt this was also the tim...

Kisses beat snores...every time

Three guys were at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.


No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first night, John slept in Steven’s room and c...

During a drought, a farmer remembers hearing about a native tribe who's rain dance is said to work every time...

so the next day he gets in his pickup and heads out to visit the tribes chief.

When he gets there he asks if the tribe would be able to preform a rain dance for him.

"Yes, we can call the spirits of water with our dance, but first I must gather the tribe, and my son is two states away ...

Lovingly slow-cooked over an open flame...

...I served a female deer with herbs to my family at a recent dinner party.

Calling it "Spit-Roasted Dill Doe" was maybe a little unwise.

Jerry sat proudly on his hazey steed

"Look at this!" He said, "I gave my horse a few puffs of the good herb, and he still managed to climb this towering mountain!"

"Get off your high horse, Jerry." I replied.

A mental health facility offers supervised hobbies for its patients.

They have access to painting, exercise, a small library, cooking, all sorts of stuff.

When they paint, they are often instructed to paint their mood, or something they would like to see or do when they are released. Some paint melancholy things, dark with depressive imagery and muted colors. ...

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Reporter doing an interview

A famous TV reporter was doing a report on location in Uzbekistan about the local customs of the people of Uzbekistan. During his report he interviewed one of the local town elders and asked him:

"Tell me a story about somthing that has happened in your life that you will never ever forget as...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A peasant was arguing with his wife...

... when, in a fit of rage, he threw her down the well.

A week later, he goes back to the well, hoping she got calmed, and he thew down a ladder in the well.

The only thing, it's the devil who got out, and thanked the peasant.

-- Gosh, thanks! It was getting unbearable with her ...

I've been known to give sage advice from time-to-time.

Though I do get funny looks for talking to herbs.

So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals...

So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The chieftain has them bound and brought to the village square, where he announces their fate. "For trespassing on our land," he says, "you will all be sentenced to death! You will be killed, skinned, eaten, and have your hides tann...

Scientists analysed sweat samples of 100 regular KFC visitors.

11 secrete herbs and spices

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young boy wanted to become a farmer.

A young boy wanted to become a farmer. An established farm owner took the boy under his wing to teach him all that he knew. Once the boy finished his initial training, the owner gave the boy a very special seed.

“You must work hard, boy. If you water and fertilize this seed, and make sure ...

An idea for a TV series

It's all about a young Irishman who makes his living collecting seaweed and herbs along the shores of Galway Bay, and his adventures as he travels to all the local town markets to sell them.

Working title: "Duffy the Samphire Purveyor"

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A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation.

They send an American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island, and arrange to come back and pick them up in a years time to see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves.

"I'm an engineer" says American, "So ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor.....

..... he tells him: doctor, I have a burning sensation in my penis and it won't go away. I have tried everything. What should I do? The doctor tells him: let me examine it. The doctor examines his penis and eventually tells him that there is an infection in his penis, and that they need to cut his p...