UPJOKE
basilparsleythymerosemarydillcorianderperennialherbaceous plantoreganosavoryvegetabletarragonberryturmericshrub

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Did you hear about the guy who was in a rush while sexually assaulting an herb?

He came just in thyme.

I really need to plant some herbs of my own as soon as possible.

I'm living on borrowed thyme.

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I made a shit recipe with all the herbs and spices i know

Anyways it was a waste of thyme

Bought loads of herbs last month still haven't paid for them.

Hope they don't send the bay leafs round.

My wife always weeps when we go to the herbs and spices section of our grocery store...

...Seasonal depression is no joke, guys.

What’s Bruce Buffer’s favourite herb?

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit’s THYME

Apparently adding herbs to your garbage can makes it smell better.

But I don't have thyme for that rubbish.

What is the best herb to give your lover?

A BAE leaf

They FINALLY published my book on herbs

It's about thyme

To deal with the high price of petroleum, public transport systems are looking at alternative fuels, including grasses and herbs.

The program has had some failures, but on the bright side at least the trains run on thyme.

I’ve always wondered why my local grocery store has trouble keeping the herbs stocked.

I guess there’s just never enough thyme.

I changed the tags of my mother’s herb jars. She hasn’t notice it yet..

But the thyme is cumin

I'm a new person. I've changed my name and became a vegetarian .

I'm still getting used to it, I wasn't a herb before.

Did you see the movie about the dinosaurs that couldn’t find the herbs?

It was the land before thyme.

Did you hear about the guy who owned the Earth's supply of herbs?

He had all the thyme in the world

I was bored so I made a robot to distribute herbs

It helped pass the thyme

I keep my herbs in alphabetical order

People ask me how I find the thyme. It's easy. It's right next to the Sage

Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate.

I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things...

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

I spent over 3 hours making a belt out of herbs, but in hindsight...

it's just a waist of thyme.

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

My wife left me because, according to her, I talk about herbs and spices too much.

Oh well.... It was probably thyme.

Did you hear Gordon Ramsay wrote a book about herbs?

It’s about thyme!

An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Won...

I hope I can save my herb garden from this infestation.

I'm running out of thyme!

I tried my best to make a complete herb garden

But I just couldn't find the thyme.

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

I was walking down the street and from a window a pot of herbs fell on my head...

Im alright, it wasn't a big dill

Have you noticed that some herbs taste much better at Christmas?

It's the most wonderful thyme of the year.

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

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Whenever I’m late for work I just masturbate near the herb rack

That way I always come on thyme.

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My publisher just rang

Apparently my book “Sex with herbs” is finally being printed and will be in the shops soon.
It’s about fucking thyme

I had vegan soup

it was soup herb

What do you call a funny herb?

Sillyantro

I have developed this weird ability to move some spices and herbs

I can control thyme

How long does it take to grow a herb garden?

A lot of thyme

Did you hear about scientist exposing herbs to nuclear radiation?

It led to some amazing exspearmints.

Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.

I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."

I recently finished my long overdue book on my favourite herb....

It’s about thyme

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At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow.

It was sage advice.

After years of searching, I finally found a great herb joke.

It's about thyme.

On my weekends I've been inventing a machine that can distribute herbs and spices to any place at my dining table.

It's not much, but it passes the thyme.

I just found an amazing way to grow herbs!

It may take some thyme, though...

Did you hear about the guy who went to prison for smoking herbs?

He's doing time for doing thyme.

Where does a herb garden go on holiday?

Bazil

I heard that Sean Connery likes to cover his food in herbs.

But only partially.

I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish...

I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice...

I’d tell you a joke about herbs

But I don’t have enough thyme to do that

What happened to the Herb Farmer when evidence was found that he'd been stealing from his company?

He was convicted on counts of Embasilment.

What is the most popular herb in Asia?

Koreander.

I couldn't find the right herb while cooking the other day. So I put oregano in instead...

I always try to make up for lost thyme

My girlfriend threatened to leave me over my reliance on herbs...

But I said I needed thyme to think.

My weekend is looking like a poorly organized herb gardener.

Nothing but thyme on my hands.

Why does a bored chef cut herbs?

He wants to waste thyme!

I’ll let myself out

Just watched a 5-minute video of some guy throwing herbs in the garbage

What a complete waste of thyme

Headline: Herb-Powered Vehicle Sends User to Past or Future of Choice

Byline: Thyme Travel

I really need to upgrade my knowledge about a particular herb.

It's about thyme.

My flirtatious neighbor called me and said that she bought too many zucchinis and ended up making two cheese and zucchini pies. She said I was welcome to come over and take one, and she also had some left over herbs that I could have.

So I went over, and she told she had just finished reading a Cosmo article called "which traffic sign are you?"



"Which traffic sign would your ideal woman be?" she asked me seductively.



I said " Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra t...

My lil brother wanted to make a herb bouquet.

My little brother wanted to make a herb bouquet for his school assignment. So i helped him to make it. It took us 5 hours to collect all kinds of herbs from our garden and made an amazing bouquet. But the next morning, when he had to go to school, the herbs were dried and ugly.

Turns out, al...

I was bored, so I spent all day re-arranging my spice rack, only for one of the herb jars to exploded all over me...

I've got way too much thyme on my hands

When I'm bored I like to sprinkle dried herbs into my palms

I have way too much thyme on my hands.

Whoever took my herbs last night:



You’re living on borrowed thyme

We should move to a herb based fuel economy

We can finally make the trains run on thyme.

I was in my herb garden yesterday and one of my plants told me I was useless.

I think it was discouragemint.

The Heart-Shaped Herb has been responsible for granting superhuman powers to every King of Wakanda in the line.

It blessed the reigns down in Africa.

Did you hear about the man who reviews herbs and spices?

I heard he's a seasoned expert.

I would put more herbs in my meals

but I can never find the thyme

My friends always say I’m late, so I’ve started putting herbs in my shoes.

Now I can always be on thyme.

Barry Allen (the Flash) wanted to have an herb garden, but decided against it.

I mean, he really shouldn't be travelling through thyme...

I was unlucky to be sacked as a chef for using the incorrect fish and herbs

Wrong plaice, wrong thyme

Herb was diagnosed with cancer.

It was a basil-cell carcinoma.

My neighbor was very urgent when asking me for herbs.

He said that he was running out of thyme.

What's a blind pothead's favorite herb?

Seaweed

The waiter asked me if I wanted any herbs on my food

But I don't have the thyme for that

If you've spent ages figuring out how to put herbs and spices on your belt loop...

...you've waisted thyme.

I grew a massive herb in my garden.

I told all of my family and friends about it but none of them thought it was a big dill.

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

I once knew a very wise herb gardner

He was know for his sage advice

If you get helpful tips from a man called Herb...

Is it sage advice?

I almost completed my collection of herbs and spices today!

But i didn't have the thyme.

What basic skill do herb farmers always struggle with?

Thyme management

Why couldn't the man open a fish and herb shop?

Because he didn't have the thyme or the plaice.

I asked a friend of mine what it was like being a herb farmer....

...He said its not so bad and that he had a lot of thyme on his hands.

The herb with the most medicinal properties is Thyme...

It heals all wounds.

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An Italian herb seller gets a loan from the mafia.

Two weeks later, the boss walks in for his payment. Unable to pay his debt, the herb seller pleads for his life.

"Please sir, give me one more week!" he exclaims.

"No," responds the boss, "your thyme is up." r/pissing

I've never really got the point of herbs and seasoning...

I just think it's a waste of thyme.

I was going to add some herbs to my cooking

but I had to serve it soon and there wasn’t any thyme

A Vietnamese restaurant is offering herbed potato sticks served with a bowl of noodle soup.

Thyme fries when you’re having pho.

My mom asked me to throw some herbs in our dinner...

I told her I didn’t have the thyme.

A tree, a herb and a bush were chilling together in the jungle one day when they came face to face (or leaf to face) with God..

God tells them that they must each do one deed to save the dying planet.


The tree convinces all of its kind to double their oxygen output, making the Earth's air fresher and cleaner than it ever was.


The herb begins synthesizing the ultimate cure all compound in its leaves, whi...

Why is it smarter so smoke herb than drink brew?

'Cuz bud wiser.

A woman once claimed she could hit me from across the kitchen with a fancy bottle of herbs.

I told her not to threaten me with a good thyme.

I was hosting a funeral for my goldfish, and my friend thought it was okay to ask "What herbs should I season which fish with?"

I told him "Come on dude, there's a thyme and plaice."

Picking herbs is an awful job...

... It's very thyme consuming.

Did you hear about the chef who spilled his herbs on the floor?

Cleaning it up was a massive waste of thyme.

My girlfriend left me because she said I focus too much on growing and giving away herbs for really low prices

Now I don't know what to do with all this free thyme on my hands

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The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

2 weeks building a greenhouse for my herbs only to see it blown away in freak winds

What a waste of thyme!

I've finally finished my fresh herb cookbook

It's about thyme

If you break your leg... put some herbs on it.

I mean, thyme heals all wounds.

Three crocheted dolls

Herb was tidying up the attic when he came across a box that he didn’t recognise.

He opened it up and found three crocheted dolls in it, lying on what looks like several hundred dollars of cash in small bills.

He takes the box down and asks Ruby, his wife of 47 years, whether she knows...

A man in Victorian clothes just appeared out of thin air and handed me a fistful of herbs.

I think he might be a Thyme traveller.

The Master Chef

A master chef brags to another man that he has at long last created the perfect dish. A dish so delicious that no man alive could resist it culinary divinity.

The man asks how such a dish is possible.

The chef responds that the secret is his artfully crafted blend of herbs and spices t...

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