I made a belt out of herbs ...

what a waist of thyme.

What did Herb say when Rosemary knocked at the door?

Cumin

My wife left me because, according to her, I talk about herbs and spices too much.

Oh well.... It was probably thyme.

What is the best herb to give your lover?

A BAE leaf

I keep my herbs in alphabetical order

People ask me how I find the thyme. It's easy. It's right next to the Sage

Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate.

I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things...

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

I changed the tags of my mother’s herb jars. She hasn’t notice it yet..

But the thyme is cumin

Did you hear Gordon Ramsay wrote a book about herbs?

It’s about thyme!

I hope I can save my herb garden from this infestation.

I'm running out of thyme!

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

I spent over 3 hours making a belt out of herbs, but in hindsight...

it's just a waist of thyme.

Have you noticed that some herbs taste much better at Christmas?

It's the most wonderful thyme of the year.

I was walking down the street and from a window a pot of herbs fell on my head...

Im alright, it wasn't a big dill

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

On my weekends I've been inventing a machine that can distribute herbs and spices to any place at my dining table.

It's not much, but it passes the thyme.

Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.

I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I’m late for work I just masturbate near the herb rack

That way I always come on thyme.

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

I have developed this weird ability to move some spices and herbs

I can control thyme

Why couldn't Mary Poppins keep her herb garden alive?

Because Bert kept stepping in the thyme.

Did you hear about scientist exposing herbs to nuclear radiation?

It led to some amazing exspearmints.

What do you call a funny herb?

Sillyantro

How long does it take to grow a herb garden?

A lot of thyme

Did you hear about the guy who went to prison for smoking herbs?

He's doing time for doing thyme.

I saw a man drive through my city with a van full of herbs and spices

He was a thyme traveler

I’d tell you a joke about herbs

But I don’t have enough thyme to do that

My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow.

It was sage advice.

Just watched a 5-minute video of some guy throwing herbs in the garbage

What a complete waste of thyme

My girlfriend threatened to leave me over my reliance on herbs...

But I said I needed thyme to think.

Why does a bored chef cut herbs?

He wants to waste thyme!

I’ll let myself out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

When should you crush herbs?

When you need to kill some Thyme!

I just found an amazing way to grow herbs!

It may take some thyme, though...

My flirtatious neighbor called me and said that she bought too many zucchinis and ended up making two cheese and zucchini pies. She said I was welcome to come over and take one, and she also had some left over herbs that I could have.

So I went over, and she told she had just finished reading a Cosmo article called "which traffic sign are you?"



"Which traffic sign would your ideal woman be?" she asked me seductively.



I said " Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra t...

I couldn't find the right herb while cooking the other day. So I put oregano in instead...

I always try to make up for lost thyme

I heard that Sean Connery likes to cover his food in herbs.

But only partially.

Where does a herb garden go on holiday?

Bazil

What is the most popular herb in Asia?

Koreander.

What happened to the Herb Farmer when evidence was found that he'd been stealing from his company?

He was convicted on counts of Embasilment.

I recently finished my long overdue book on my favourite herb....

It’s about thyme

I went to the farmers market to get some herbs and vegetables.

But when my friends invited me over for some pizza, I figured it was a waste of thyme.

My weekend is looking like a poorly organized herb gardener.

Nothing but thyme on my hands.

When I'm bored I like to sprinkle dried herbs into my palms

I have way too much thyme on my hands.

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At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

After years of searching, I finally found a great herb joke.

It's about thyme.

Headline: Herb-Powered Vehicle Sends User to Past or Future of Choice

Byline: Thyme Travel

Too Much

My friend filled an entire swimming pool up with herbs.



He had a lot of thyme on his hands.

My friends always say I’m late, so I’ve started putting herbs in my shoes.

Now I can always be on thyme.

Whoever took my herbs last night:



You’re living on borrowed thyme

Tonight I made salmon for supper

As it was gently cooking in a warm bath of garlic, herbs, lemon, wine, and onion I got a visit from a Fish and Wildlife officer. He said “sir we have reason to believe that salmon has been poached”

I would put more herbs in my meals

but I can never find the thyme

I really need to upgrade my knowledge about a particular herb.

It's about thyme.

My lil brother wanted to make a herb bouquet.

My little brother wanted to make a herb bouquet for his school assignment. So i helped him to make it. It took us 5 hours to collect all kinds of herbs from our garden and made an amazing bouquet. But the next morning, when he had to go to school, the herbs were dried and ugly.

Turns out, al...

I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish...

I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice...

I was in my herb garden yesterday and one of my plants told me I was useless.

I think it was discouragemint.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gordon Ramsey today released his long-awaited book about having sex with herbs.

It's about fucking thyme.

If you've spent ages figuring out how to put herbs and spices on your belt loop...

...you've waisted thyme.

The waiter asked me if I wanted any herbs on my food

But I don't have the thyme for that

I was bored, so I spent all day re-arranging my spice rack, only for one of the herb jars to exploded all over me...

I've got way too much thyme on my hands

I was unlucky to be sacked as a chef for using the incorrect fish and herbs

Wrong plaice, wrong thyme

I almost completed my collection of herbs and spices today!

But i didn't have the thyme.

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

I was going to add some herbs to my cooking

but I had to serve it soon and there wasn’t any thyme

Did you hear about the man who reviews herbs and spices?

I heard he's a seasoned expert.

A Vietnamese restaurant is offering herbed potato sticks served with a bowl of noodle soup.

Thyme fries when you’re having pho.

Man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him started playing poker

A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on Friday nights with his buddies just to get some relief.

After he came home she'd start right in on him again.


After several weeks went by, he came home early one Friday night about 9:...

My neighbor was very urgent when asking me for herbs.

He said that he was running out of thyme.

What’s a postman’s favourite herb?

Parcel-y

Barry Allen (the Flash) wanted to have an herb garden, but decided against it.

I mean, he really shouldn't be travelling through thyme...

We should move to a herb based fuel economy

We can finally make the trains run on thyme.

What's a blind pothead's favorite herb?

Seaweed

A woman once claimed she could hit me from across the kitchen with a fancy bottle of herbs.

I told her not to threaten me with a good thyme.

I once knew a very wise herb gardner

He was know for his sage advice

If you get helpful tips from a man called Herb...

Is it sage advice?

The Heart-Shaped Herb has been responsible for granting superhuman powers to every King of Wakanda in the line.

It blessed the reigns down in Africa.

I was hosting a funeral for my goldfish, and my friend thought it was okay to ask "What herbs should I season which fish with?"

I told him "Come on dude, there's a thyme and plaice."

What do you call a Herb salesman who is doing well for himself?

Minted.

Picking herbs is an awful job...

... It's very thyme consuming.

I grew a massive herb in my garden.

I told all of my family and friends about it but none of them thought it was a big dill.

My girlfriend left me because she said I focus too much on growing and giving away herbs for really low prices

Now I don't know what to do with all this free thyme on my hands

Did you hear about the chef who spilled his herbs on the floor?

Cleaning it up was a massive waste of thyme.

Herb was diagnosed with cancer.

It was a basil-cell carcinoma.

What basic skill do herb farmers always struggle with?

Thyme management

I asked a friend of mine what it was like being a herb farmer....

...He said its not so bad and that he had a lot of thyme on his hands.

If you break your leg... put some herbs on it.

I mean, thyme heals all wounds.

I've never really got the point of herbs and seasoning...

I just think it's a waste of thyme.

2 weeks building a greenhouse for my herbs only to see it blown away in freak winds

What a waste of thyme!

Why couldn't the man open a fish and herb shop?

Because he didn't have the thyme or the plaice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian herb seller gets a loan from the mafia.

Two weeks later, the boss walks in for his payment. Unable to pay his debt, the herb seller pleads for his life.

"Please sir, give me one more week!" he exclaims.

"No," responds the boss, "your thyme is up." r/pissing

A man in Victorian clothes just appeared out of thin air and handed me a fistful of herbs.

I think he might be a Thyme traveller.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Funny names

1. Gabe Itches
2.Ben Dover
3. Mike Oxhard
4. Herb Eaver
5. Mike Ock
6. Jack Off

I've finally finished my fresh herb cookbook

It's about thyme

Why do herb pickers have so many hobbies?

They've got a lot of thyme on their hands

Did you hear about the vegan what converted their car to run run on herbs?

They wanted to thyme travel!

A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.

He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."

After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have ...

Did you see the headline about the film director who stormed off set after someone filled his trailer with herbs?

Michael Bay Leaves

A cook's apprentice is throwing copious amounts of herbs into the dish

When the cook walks in and says "STOP WASTING MY THYME"

A chef asks an employee to grab him some cilantro

He quickly grabs the herb and returns to his boss. When he returns the chef is busy doing something and can’t take the cilantro right away.

“Give me a second,” he says

“Take your time,” the employee responds patiently.

The chef snaps back “I told you to give me a second! Also ...

What pronouns does Rosemary like to go by?

She/Herb.

Why do gardeners hand out their herbs?

To pass the thyme.

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