I told my wife I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She said, “Where would you find the time?”

I said, “Easy. Right next to the sage.”

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

Did you hear about scientist exposing herbs to nuclear radiation?

It led to some amazing exspearmints.

Does Sean Connery like herbs?

Yes, but only partially.

Where does a herb garden go on holiday?

Bazil

What do you call a funny herb?

Sillyantro

I saw a man drive through my city with a van full of herbs and spices

He was a thyme traveler

How long does it take to grow a herb garden?

A lot of thyme

My girlfriend and I like to make containers for our herbs and spices

She didn’t like my cumin herb box though.

On my weekends I've been inventing a machine that can distribute herbs and spices to any place at my dining table.

It's not much, but it passes the thyme.

Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.

I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."

What is the most popular herb in Asia?

Koreander.

Imagine a world without herbs. It would be basically the same...

But it would be missing just a little something.

*Credit to Sean Lock

Just watched a 5-minute video of some guy throwing herbs in the garbage

What a complete waste of thyme

I’m making a belt decorated with herbs

My friends tell me it’s a waste of thyme

Did you hear about the guy who went to prison for smoking herbs?

He's doing time for doing thyme.

I’d tell you a joke about herbs

But I don’t have enough thyme to do that

Why does a bored chef cut herbs?

He wants to waste thyme!

I’ll let myself out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Was running late so I jacked off in the herb garden.

I wanted to cum on thyme.

My girlfriend threatened to leave me over my reliance on herbs...

But I said I needed thyme to think.

My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow.

It was sage advice.

What happened to the Herb Farmer when evidence was found that he'd been stealing from his company?

He was convicted on counts of Embasilment.

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

I recently finished my long overdue book on my favourite herb....

It’s about thyme

My weekend is looking like a poorly organized herb gardener.

Nothing but thyme on my hands.

I just found an amazing way to grow herbs!

It may take some thyme, though...

I couldn't find the right herb while cooking the other day. So I put oregano in instead...

I always try to make up for lost thyme

My lil brother wanted to make a herb bouquet.

My little brother wanted to make a herb bouquet for his school assignment. So i helped him to make it. It took us 5 hours to collect all kinds of herbs from our garden and made an amazing bouquet. But the next morning, when he had to go to school, the herbs were dried and ugly.

Turns out, al...

I went to the farmers market to get some herbs and vegetables.

But when my friends invited me over for some pizza, I figured it was a waste of thyme.

When should you crush herbs?

When you need to kill some Thyme!

I finally published my book on Mediterranean herbs

It's about thyme

When I'm bored I like to sprinkle dried herbs into my palms

I have way too much thyme on my hands.

Headline: Herb-Powered Vehicle Sends User to Past or Future of Choice

Byline: Thyme Travel

My friends always say I’m late, so I’ve started putting herbs in my shoes.

Now I can always be on thyme.

My flirtatious neighbor called me and said that she bought too many zucchinis and ended up making two cheese and zucchini pies. She said I was welcome to come over and take one, and she also had some left over herbs that I could have.

So I went over, and she told she had just finished reading a Cosmo article called "which traffic sign are you?"



"Which traffic sign would your ideal woman be?" she asked me seductively.



I said " Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra t...

For Sale: Gents trouser belt made of plaited herbs.

No thyme waisters, please.

After years of searching, I finally found a great herb joke.

It's about thyme.

A chef made my soup in a rush and I asked "Why didn't you add any herbs and spices?"

He said "Sorry, I didn't have the thyme".

Whoever took my herbs last night:



You’re living on borrowed thyme

I was in my herb garden yesterday and one of my plants told me I was useless.

I think it was discouragemint.

Best Salesman of the year

At a sales conference, one of the awards went to Matthew for best salesman. He’d sold a record quantity of mouthwash. After he’d been presented with his award, he was asked for the secret of his success.

“Oh it’s simple really,” said Matthew. “I set up a mobile stall during rush-hour and give...

If you've spent ages figuring out how to put herbs and spices on your belt loop...

...you've waisted thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

I really need to upgrade my knowledge about a particular herb.

It's about thyme.

I once knew a very wise herb gardner

He was know for his sage advice

I was going to add some herbs to my cooking

but I had to serve it soon and there wasn’t any thyme

I would put more herbs in my meals

but I can never find the thyme

When I do the gardening, I alphabetise my herbs, people often ask how I find the time.

I respond with "Easy, Thyme is right between the Tarragon and Turmeric"

I almost completed my collection of herbs and spices today!

But i didn't have the thyme.

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

What’s a postman’s favourite herb?

Parcel-y

What pronouns does Rosemary like to go by?

She/Herb.

I was bored, so I spent all day re-arranging my spice rack, only for one of the herb jars to exploded all over me...

I've got way too much thyme on my hands

Did you hear about the poor herb farmer?

He was always having to work over thyme.

A Vietnamese restaurant is offering herbed potato sticks served with a bowl of noodle soup.

Thyme fries when you’re having pho.

I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish...

I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice...

If you get helpful tips from a man called Herb...

Is it sage advice?

My son used herbs and spices for dinner tonight...

I told him to stop as he's not a seasoned professional

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gordon Ramsey today released his long-awaited book about having sex with herbs.

It's about fucking thyme.

Barry Allen (the Flash) wanted to have an herb garden, but decided against it.

I mean, he really shouldn't be travelling through thyme...

The Heart-Shaped Herb has been responsible for granting superhuman powers to every King of Wakanda in the line.

It blessed the reigns down in Africa.

I was unlucky to be sacked as a chef for using the incorrect fish and herbs

Wrong plaice, wrong thyme

My neighbor was very urgent when asking me for herbs.

He said that he was running out of thyme.

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I had sex with garlic bread

Now I have herbes.

I was thinking about doing a practical joke involving herbs

But I’m not gonna waste my thyme

Did you hear about the man who reviews herbs and spices?

I heard he's a seasoned expert.

What's a blind pothead's favorite herb?

Seaweed

A woman once claimed she could hit me from across the kitchen with a fancy bottle of herbs.

I told her not to threaten me with a good thyme.

A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.

He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."

After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have ...

I was hosting a funeral for my goldfish, and my friend thought it was okay to ask "What herbs should I season which fish with?"

I told him "Come on dude, there's a thyme and plaice."

My girlfriend left me because she said I focus too much on growing and giving away herbs for really low prices

Now I don't know what to do with all this free thyme on my hands

Did you hear about the chef who spilled his herbs on the floor?

Cleaning it up was a massive waste of thyme.

We should move to a herb based fuel economy

We can finally make the trains run on thyme.

Picking herbs is an awful job...

... It's very thyme consuming.

I grew a massive herb in my garden.

I told all of my family and friends about it but none of them thought it was a big dill.

My mom asked me to throw some herbs in our dinner...

I told her I didn’t have the thyme.

I want to open a dispensary for people who like weed, but not too much...

...I’m going to call it *Herb Your Enthusiasm*.

If you break your leg... put some herbs on it.

I mean, thyme heals all wounds.

Herb was diagnosed with cancer.

It was a basil-cell carcinoma.

What basic skill do herb farmers always struggle with?

Thyme management

2 weeks building a greenhouse for my herbs only to see it blown away in freak winds

What a waste of thyme!

I asked a friend of mine what it was like being a herb farmer....

...He said its not so bad and that he had a lot of thyme on his hands.

Four farmers are feeding their chickens

The first farmer asks, "So, how do y'all like your chicken?"

The second farmer says, "I like mine roasted with some herbs and spices."

The third farmer says, "I like mine deep fried with some biscuits and gravy."

The fourth farmer takes out a bag of marijuana and feeds it to his...

An Italian herb seller gets a loan from the mafia.

Two weeks later, the boss walks in for his payment. Unable to pay his debt, the herb seller pleads for his life.

"Please sir, give me one more week!" he exclaims.

"No," responds the boss, "your thyme is up."

Why couldn't the man open a fish and herb shop?

Because he didn't have the thyme or the plaice.

Why do gardeners hand out their herbs?

To pass the thyme.

I've never really got the point of herbs and seasoning...

I just think it's a waste of thyme.

Some people dislike parsley in their liquid dishes

but I think it's soup herb.

A man in Victorian clothes just appeared out of thin air and handed me a fistful of herbs.

I think he might be a Thyme traveller.

My friend told me that my herb garden looks like a mullet.

I keep the basil in the front and the parsley in the back.

Why do herb pickers have so many hobbies?

They've got a lot of thyme on their hands

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am getting around to writing my essay on herbs for my botany class...

It's about thyme

Did you hear about the vegan what converted their car to run run on herbs?

They wanted to thyme travel!

I've finally finished my fresh herb cookbook

It's about thyme

The moment I knew she was a sub

Was when I licked her forehead and it tasted of Italian herbs and cheese

A cook's apprentice is throwing copious amounts of herbs into the dish

When the cook walks in and says "STOP WASTING MY THYME"

I heard if you look in a map's corner and see the words "BLOODY ROSEMARY," you'll die.

But that's just an herb in legend.

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:
"This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A convent of Catholic nuns receives a letter saying the Pope himself will be visiting in just a few days

They are all very excited and nervous. Mothers Mary, Agnes, and Isadore take it upon themselves to prepare the convent to receive His Holiness and plan a simple but delicious meal of fresh caught fish from the local lake with herbs and vegetables from their own garden.

Agnes goes to the loca...

Why did the toucan go to prison?

He was puffin the herb.

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