A mushroom walks into a bar, puts down a $5 bill, says "Gimme a drink!"

Bartender says "Get outta here, we don't serve your kind!"
Mushroom says "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

A mushroom walks into a bar.

Bartender says to it "We don't serve your kind here."

Mushroom says "But, why? I'm a fungi!"

What do you call a mushroom that has nothing nice to say?

A shi'talkin mushroom

Why shouldn't you eat mushrooms as an appetiser?

Because it leaves not-mushroom for the rest of your food.

A farmer wanted to start growing mushrooms

But he didn't have any spores or enough space to grow them, so unfortunately he wasn't able to. He just didn't have mushroom.

Did you hear about that dude who started the mushroom diet? I hear hes a real fungi

this has probably been done but there is so mushroom here

I tried to befriend a mushroom today.

I heard that he’s a fungi.

What is a French Mushroom’s favourite rock song?

We Are The Champignons

I once knew one mushroom man

He was a fun guy

Why did the mushroom want to goto a party?

Because he was sure he was a fungi

What do you call a lady who enjoys mushrooms?

A fungal.

A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mushrooms

Why was the mushroom invited to the party?

He was a fungi.

Why wsn't the toadstool invited?

He was toxic.

A man heard his friend had lost two wives in two years. He felt bad so he called to give his condolences. He asked "how'd your first wife die?" "She ate poison mushrooms." "What about you second wife?" "She died of blunt trauma to the head." "Why would that have happened?''

"She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

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Did you know that mushrooms are really similar to frog poop?

They're toadstools.

An elderly woman was taken to court suspected of having killed the 4 husbands she'd had. There, the prosecutor starts the interrogation;

"How did your first husband die?" Asked the prosecutor.

"He ate soup made with poisonous mushrooms" Answered the woman.

"And, how did your second husband die?".

"He ate soup made with poisonous mushrooms".

The court gasps.

The prosecutor follows on "How did your th...

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What kind of mushrooms get in the most fights?

Shit talky mushrooms

Why does the mushroom always get invited to parties?

Because he’s a fungi!

What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?

A spores car!

I watched a documentary on mushrooms tonight.

I'll probably watch them all like that from now on.

Two mushrooms were talking politics.

One mushroom said “I think that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote.”

The other said “Thats a shiitake.”

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I tried to post my opinion on mushrooms

But it was a shittake!

“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said.

So I gather.

Why’s it a bad idea to eat mushrooms for dinner?

Because you won’t have mushroom left for dessert.

"I hear you just got married again."

Jim: "Joe, I hear you just got married again."

Joe: "Yes, for the fourth time."

Jim: "What happened to your first three wives?"

Joe: "They all died, Jim."

Jim: "How did that happen?"

Joe: "My first wife ate poison mushrooms."

Jim: "How terrible! And your sec...

Why was the mushroom hunter a good person?

He had really good morels

Karen served wild mushrooms to the church group.

A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-sm...

Personally I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms

...Breakfast of champignons

A mushroom forager sank to new lows for his hunt.

He stole a car for transportation and trespassed on private property to hunt on. Nevertheless his hunt was unsuccessful. He had no morels.

Where did you get this mushroom recipe?

Husband asks his wife.

\- "In a detective novel." she answers.

A drug addict calls the police to report something interesting

The police officer, interested, asks. "What is it?"

The addict responds. "Okay, I-"

The officer interrupts, quickly making sure they're not on drugs "You're sober right now, right?"

"Yes, this happened when I was sober too."

All seems okay to this point. "Okay, go on."...

Chicken pie in the Bahamas...

A chicken pie in the Bahamas costs $7, while a shepherd's pie, in Jamaica, costs $8. But a mushroom pie in Bermuda only costs $3.

That's right.

Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

Did you hear about the mushroom who parked illegally?

He was Toad.

Did the woman go on a date with the mushroom?

Of course.. After all, he is a Fungi

A mushroom goes into the hall of bad jokes and says “I’d like to submit a joke of my people”

The receptionist looks at him and says “listen buddy we have so many bad jokes here that I’m not sure we can squeeze yours in. It has to be exceptionally bad, let me hear it.”

Mushroom: “so a shroom goes on a date with this girl and she says ‘tell me about yourself’ and he says ‘well I’m a fu...

Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms...

Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong Morel fibre.

People always ask me why am I friends with a mushroom

I mean he's usually a fungi

My friend had mushrooms during the party

Now he's a fun guy

I don't think you should make all of our different banknotes out of mushrooms!

Why not? Certainly you understand that money is fungible!

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My take is this: Life is a flavorful mushroom from Japan.

Sorry, I know that’s a shit take

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What do you call a man with a mushroom penis?

A fungi to be with

I’m dressing up as a mushroom for Halloween

Why?

Because I’m a fungi

A mushroom walks into a bar...

He walks up to the barman and says

"Can I have a beer?"

The barman peers down at the little mushroom and says

"I can't serve you - your a mushroom!"

The mushroom with consternation replies

"Oh come on! I'm a fun guy!" (Fungi)

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My first wife died from eating poisonous mushrooms.

My second wife died from eating poisonous mushrooms.

My third wife died from a cracked skull...

...the bitch wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

Took my final exam on magic mushrooms

I passed with flying colors

I was illegally hunting for mushrooms.

I have questionable morels.

I used to have this amazing device that would lead me to the most delicious mushrooms

But now it seems i've lost my Morel Compass

Mario comes back from The Mushroom Kingdom and finds hundreds of parking tickets on his van.

He goes to court, is told that his total is $14,652 and asks the Judge why he has to pay all that money.

Judge - It's a fine.

Mario - No, its a not fine!

A mushroom walks up to a bar but the bouncer stops him and points at a sign that says "NO MUSHROOMS".

The mushroom says "Hey what's the big deal, I'm a fungii!"

Make sure to always be careful when eating mushrooms

If you eat the wrong one you could be in truffle

WHO investigators wanted to talk to the Wuhan scientists.

When they arrived to Wuhan Institute of Virology CCP officials informed them that unfortunately all the scientists have died after eating poison mushrooms.



WHO investigators were suspicious so they demanded that they exhume the bodies of dead scientists and check if they really died ...

What do you call a pizza with no toppings?

Mushroom for improvement

Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.

I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons, my friend'

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Why does your dick have a mushroomed tip?

To keep your hand from slipping off.

A husband and wife were out in the forest mushroom picking

The husband thought he found a mushroom and picked it up. To his disappointment it was an ordinary rock. Enraged, he threw it. After he threw it, he heard something glass breaking.

The pair rushed over to see what it is, and found a shack in the forest. A man in very bright clothing came out....

Why did the girl mushroom go out with the boy mushroom?

She heard he was a Funguy

When I was younger, I used to hate eating mushrooms, but now I think they’re growing on me...

...and I can’t get them off

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible

While practicing writing with my kids, we wanted to write the word FUNGUS, but ended up writing FUNGI instead...

There wasn't Mushroom on the page.

Fourteen mushrooms were sitting at a lunch table.

One more asked to join. One of them said, “Sorry there is not mushroom”

What did the mushroom say when he needed a little more time?

Amanita minute.

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What do you call a mushroom that likes to gossip?

A shit-talkie

Mushrooms are the most virtuous of fungi...

they have the best morels.

What’s it called when a mushroom reaches its climax?

Sporegasm

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What's Blue and lies under a mushroom ?

Smurf poop

Once I went to a party dressed as a mushroom

I really am a fun-guy

Why did God make mushrooms?

Cause there wasn't mushroom for anything else

Why won't a truffle and a portobello mushroom take strawberry to the bar?

Why won't a truffle and a portobello mushroom take strawberry to the bar?

.

..

...

....

Because strawberry is not fun guy!

Why did the introverted mushroom decide to go to more parties?

Because everyone told him he was a fungi

One Day, Mario took peach to a fancy pizzaria

They made their order, then sat down and waited. After a few minutes a busty waitress brought them their pizza. Then they started eating. once their meal was done the waitress came back to see how their meal went. To her and Peach's horror, Mario was so big he broke through the roof. When the waitre...

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What did Mario say when he found out he got drunk and had sex with a green mushroom?

"Well, I fucked that one up."

So, I'm a mushroom and I decided to ask a plant out.

She says she doesn't date fungi.


I guess I should be more hedgy.

Why is it not worth it to hunt for mushrooms?

It’s too much truffle.

Who was the leader of the Mushroom army?

Fungus Khan!!!

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Why wasn’t the Mushroom invited to the party?

The host thought he looked like a Real Dick

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What do you call when you mix brandy, shitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance

I met this dude once who was really into mushrooms.

He was a real fun guy.

Why did people invite the mushroom to the party?

Because he’s really, really cute!

A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms. After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story.. killed him.

I went to a Fancy Dress Party dressed as a mushroom.

Everyone said that I was a Fun Guy...

i've been married two times. my first wife died to poisonous mushrooms. the other sufred severe skull fracture.

\-what happened to her?

\-she didn't want to eat the mushrooms

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What do you get when you cross poop with a mushroom?

Shit-take

Did you hear about the girl who went crazy from doing mushrooms all the time?

She became a little spore addict.

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You'd think sex on mushrooms would be fun.

But it's sooo much better on a bed.

All mushrooms are edible

But some mushrooms are only edible once

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What is mushroom sexual entertainment called?

Sporn.

What do you call a mushroom with a 12 inch stalk?

A fungi to go out with

A mushroom walks into a bar and sidles up to a stool.

Bartender: “You’ll need to leave. We don’t serve your kind here.”

Mushroom: “Why not? I’m a . . . fun-gi.”

Why did the girl invite the mushroom to the school dance?

Because he was a Fun-gi

My favorite toadstool left the party because there wasn't mushroom.

It's a pity, because he was a really fungi.





I don't know who came up with this but I heard it from Scishow ages ago.

My father says he works with a guy who has a mushroom growing out of his head

I've never met him but he sounds like a fungi

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Did you hear about the mushroom hunter who was terrible at finding edible mushrooms, so would resort to stealing them from the baskets of other hunters?

He had no morel compass.

My uncle always hated eating mushrooms...

...but now that he's dead, they're beginning to grow on him.

Is this heaven?

A man dies and comes to find himself facing a tall man wearing a beautiful set of glowing robes.

"Is this Heaven?" He asked the man.

"Welcome! Here, let me show you around. This place is where you will spend all of eternity."

As they walked he pointed out the beautiful manicure...

What do you call a Mexican mushroom?

un Puertobello

When Trump communicates with the American people, he follows the primary rule of mushroom farming . . .

# "Keep 'em in the dark and feed 'em horsesh*t".

What type of mushrooms are the worst to have as friends?

Shiitalkin!

What did the girl mushroom say to the boy mushroom?

Hey you look like a fun guy,

Hear about the mushroom who had to make a tough choice?

It was a big morrel dilemma.

Why did the thief Rob a mushroom store?

Because he had no morels.

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Mushrooms

A man walks into a bar and sits down.

The bartender asks "What'll it be?"

Man says "Whiskey... leave the bottle."

"You got it, everything alright?"

"I just became a widower for the 3rd time"

"Oh god, pal! I'm so sorry! You seem so young, can I ask what happened?"...

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