UPJOKE
fungusmorelvegetableshiitakepotatosporetruffleoniontomatomushroom cloudtoadstoolfungalfungipumpkineggplant

I watched this documentary last night on mushrooms

I think that's how I'm going to watch all of them from now on.

Did you hear about the blind guy who took mushrooms then ran a marathon?

Dude was trippin.

Did you hear about the man that trespassed on his neighbor's property to steal mushrooms?

Turns out he has bad morals.

Why was the mushroom invited to all the best parties?

He was a fungi!

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Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

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Why do penises look like mushrooms?

Because they grow on fun guys
-credit to my wife for this one

What do you call a very large mushroom?

A humongous fungus!

I went hunting for mushrooms the other day...

Don't worry, there's a morel to this story.

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75…

…a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but ...

What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?

A spores car!

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A man lived next door to three nuns...

He noticed that early every morning the nuns would go out into their back garden to pick mushrooms.

First the small nun would come out with her basket. "One little mushroom, tra la la! Two little mushroom, tra la la! Three little mushroom, tra la la!"

Then the middle size nun would c...

A mushroom walks into a bar...

A mushroom walks into the bar, and orders a couple drinks. He gets a little tipsy, but he orders another. He gets properly drunk, so when he tries to order another, the bartender says "Sorry sir, we need to cut you off, you can't have any more." The mushroom says "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

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What kind of mushrooms always gossip about you behind your back?

Shit-talk-y mushrooms!

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The Man who could only Drink Milk

I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed...

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What’s the most verbally abusive mushroom?

Shit-talk-ie!

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What is the most toxic kind of mushroom?

A shit-talk-e mushroom

A mushroom walks into a bar, puts down a $5 bill, says "Gimme a drink!"

Bartender says "Get outta here, we don't serve your kind!"
Mushroom says "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

I tried to befriend a mushroom today.

I heard that he’s a fungi.

A mushroom walks into a bar.

Bartender says to it "We don't serve your kind here."

Mushroom says "But, why? I'm a fungi!"

What do prize winning competitive mushroom pickers eat in the morning?

Breakfast of Champignons

I once knew one mushroom man

He was a fun guy

What is a French Mushroom’s favourite rock song?

We Are The Champignons

Did you hear about that dude who started the mushroom diet? I hear hes a real fungi

this has probably been done but there is so mushroom here

Why did the mushroom want to goto a party?

Because he was sure he was a fungi

A farmer wanted to start growing mushrooms

But he didn't have any spores or enough space to grow them, so unfortunately he wasn't able to. He just didn't have mushroom.

What do you call a mushroom that has nothing nice to say?

A shi'talkin mushroom

My first two wives died from eating poisonous mushrooms, the third one died from a blow to the head.

She didn't want to eat the mushrooms.

A man heard his friend had lost two wives in two years. He felt bad so he called to give his condolences. He asked "how'd your first wife die?" "She ate poison mushrooms." "What about you second wife?" "She died of blunt trauma to the head." "Why would that have happened?''

"She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

Why was the mushroom invited to the party?

He was a fungi.

Why wsn't the toadstool invited?

He was toxic.

“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said.

So I gather.

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I tried to post my opinion on mushrooms

But it was a shittake!

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What kind of mushrooms get in the most fights?

Shit talky mushrooms

Why shouldn't you eat mushrooms as an appetiser?

Because it leaves not-mushroom for the rest of your food.

Two mushrooms were talking politics.

One mushroom said “I think that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote.”

The other said “Thats a shiitake.”

A mushroom goes into the hall of bad jokes and says “I’d like to submit a joke of my people”

The receptionist looks at him and says “listen buddy we have so many bad jokes here that I’m not sure we can squeeze yours in. It has to be exceptionally bad, let me hear it.”

Mushroom: “so a shroom goes on a date with this girl and she says ‘tell me about yourself’ and he says ‘well I’m a fu...

What do you call a lady who enjoys mushrooms?

A fungal.

I know a funny dude who identifies as two beautiful mushrooms

He's a pretty fungi

Why was the mushroom hunter a good person?

He had really good morels

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Did you know that mushrooms are really similar to frog poop?

They're toadstools.

A mushroom forager sank to new lows for his hunt.

He stole a car for transportation and trespassed on private property to hunt on. Nevertheless his hunt was unsuccessful. He had no morels.

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My take is this: Life is a flavorful mushroom from Japan.

Sorry, I know that’s a shit take

Why’s it a bad idea to eat mushrooms for dinner?

Because you won’t have mushroom left for dessert.

Personally I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms

...Breakfast of champignons

A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mushrooms

Did you hear about the mushroom who parked illegally?

He was Toad.

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What did Mario say when he found out he got drunk and had sex with a green mushroom?

"Well, I fucked that one up."

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A teenager was hungry and his mother told him to go find something in the kitchen to eat.

After banging around for a few minutes, he yelled "There isn't shit to eat in this house!"

His father heard this and went into the kitchen saying "First of all, watch your language. Second of all, there is lots to eat if you just look. He took his son to the pantry and pointed things out. "Se...

A mushroom walks into a bar...

He walks up to the barman and says

"Can I have a beer?"

The barman peers down at the little mushroom and says

"I can't serve you - your a mushroom!"

The mushroom with consternation replies

"Oh come on! I'm a fun guy!" (Fungi)

Did the woman go on a date with the mushroom?

Of course.. After all, he is a Fungi

Why was the mushroom the life of the party?

Because he was giving out free cocaine

Where did you get this mushroom recipe?

Husband asks his wife.

\- "In a detective novel." she answers.

A husband and wife were out in the forest mushroom picking

The husband thought he found a mushroom and picked it up. To his disappointment it was an ordinary rock. Enraged, he threw it. After he threw it, he heard something glass breaking.

The pair rushed over to see what it is, and found a shack in the forest. A man in very bright clothing came out....

Why did the girl mushroom go out with the boy mushroom?

She heard he was a Funguy

Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms...

Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong Morel fibre.

A mushroom walks up to a bar but the bouncer stops him and points at a sign that says "NO MUSHROOMS".

The mushroom says "Hey what's the big deal, I'm a fungii!"

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My first YouTube video!

I'm starting a YouTube channel! My first video will be a poor edit of my weird opinions on Japanese mushrooms supposedly giving you diarrhea.

"Shit takes of shit takes on Shiitake shit aches"

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What do you call a mushroom that likes to gossip?

A shit-talkie

What did the mushroom say when he needed a little more time?

Amanita minute.

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Why wasn’t the Mushroom invited to the party?

The host thought he looked like a Real Dick

Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.

I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons, my friend'

What’s it called when a mushroom reaches its climax?

Sporegasm

I used to have this amazing device that would lead me to the most delicious mushrooms

But now it seems i've lost my Morel Compass

Mario comes back from The Mushroom Kingdom and finds hundreds of parking tickets on his van.

He goes to court, is told that his total is $14,652 and asks the Judge why he has to pay all that money.

Judge - It's a fine.

Mario - No, its a not fine!

A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms. After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story.. killed him.

Once I went to a party dressed as a mushroom

I really am a fun-guy

A mushroom walks into a bar and sidles up to a stool.

Bartender: “You’ll need to leave. We don’t serve your kind here.”

Mushroom: “Why not? I’m a . . . fun-gi.”

Fourteen mushrooms were sitting at a lunch table.

One more asked to join. One of them said, “Sorry there is not mushroom”

I don't think you should make all of our different banknotes out of mushrooms!

Why not? Certainly you understand that money is fungible!

Why don’t mushrooms get invited to games nights?

Because they’re spore losers.

Make sure to always be careful when eating mushrooms

If you eat the wrong one you could be in truffle

Who was the leader of the Mushroom army?

Fungus Khan!!!

All mushrooms are edible

But some mushrooms are only edible once

I was illegally hunting for mushrooms.

I have questionable morels.

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What's Blue and lies under a mushroom ?

Smurf poop

Why did people invite the mushroom to the party?

Because he’s really, really cute!

Why did the girl invite the mushroom to the school dance?

Because he was a Fun-gi

I went to a Fancy Dress Party dressed as a mushroom.

Everyone said that I was a Fun Guy...

Why did the introverted mushroom decide to go to more parties?

Because everyone told him he was a fungi

So, I'm a mushroom and I decided to ask a plant out.

She says she doesn't date fungi.


I guess I should be more hedgy.

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What do you get when you cross poop with a mushroom?

Shit-take

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Did you hear about the mushroom hunter who was terrible at finding edible mushrooms, so would resort to stealing them from the baskets of other hunters?

He had no morel compass.

What did the girl mushroom say to the boy mushroom?

Hey you look like a fun guy,

Why is it not worth it to hunt for mushrooms?

It’s too much truffle.

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What is mushroom sexual entertainment called?

Sporn.

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You'd think sex on mushrooms would be fun.

But it's sooo much better on a bed.

What do you call a mushroom with a 12 inch stalk?

A fungi to go out with

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Why was the mushroom collecting animal poop?

It was looking for a toad stool.

i've been married two times. my first wife died to poisonous mushrooms. the other sufred severe skull fracture.

\-what happened to her?

\-she didn't want to eat the mushrooms

Two men talking…….

Man 1: You know, I’ve been married twice and both my wife’s died. The first one died from eating poisonous mushrooms. The second one died from blunt force trauma to the skull.

Man 2: Jesus, and how did that happen?

Man 1: She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms

Hear about the mushroom who had to make a tough choice?

It was a big morrel dilemma.

One mushroom turned to the other mushroom and says...

“What do you know about my father?”
The other mushroom replies, “not much, but I heard he’s a fun guy.”

My uncle always hated eating mushrooms...

...but now that he's dead, they're beginning to grow on him.

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What do you call when you mix brandy, shitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance

What do you call a Mexican mushroom?

un Puertobello

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Mushrooms

A man walks into a bar and sits down.

The bartender asks "What'll it be?"

Man says "Whiskey... leave the bottle."

"You got it, everything alright?"

"I just became a widower for the 3rd time"

"Oh god, pal! I'm so sorry! You seem so young, can I ask what happened?"...

A giant mushroom attempts to enter a bar...

and is stopped by the bouncer. The bouncer says we'll have none of your sort in here tonight. The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

What did one mushroom say to another after winning the taste tests?

We are Champignons!

When Trump communicates with the American people, he follows the primary rule of mushroom farming . . .

# "Keep 'em in the dark and feed 'em horsesh*t".

Why did the thief Rob a mushroom store?

Because he had no morels.

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