If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?


A woman once said, she recognised me from the vegetarian club

But I'd never met herbivore

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Why wouldn't the vegetarian moan during sex?

She didn't want to admit that a piece of meat made her happy.

A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from a vegetarian restaurant.

I’m a bit confused because i’ve never met herbivore.

I am a vegetarian!!

I just let the cows and chickens eat the grains and green stuff first before I eat them.

What's the name of Bruce Lee's vegetarian cousin?


What’s a vegetarian bbq party like?

They just smoke weed.

What do you call a vegetarian trans-man

A herbefore

What do you call a rich vegetarian?

A melon baller.

My friend is a vegetarian

I think it's a huge missed steak

Why are asteroids vegetarians?

Because they aren't meteors.

Did you hear about the vegetarian who didn't want kids?

He got the parsnip.

What do you get charged with if you kill a vegetarian?


"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian."

is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

What’s the name of Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother?

Broco Lee

How do you know if a person is a vegetarian?

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

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Hey Vegetarians

My food poops on yours.

What’s the hardest part about being a vegetarian?

Keeping it to yourself.

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

A salad shooter

How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.

Dating a vegetarian girl is hard.

I gave her flowers, she ate them.

Someone asked me whether my children are going to be vegetarian

I said they would probably be made of meat like everyone elses

A vegetarian lady looked at my mutton curry and said, "You know, a sheep died so you could have that."

I looked at her salad and responded, "Maybe she died because you keep eating all her food!!"

A strict vegetarian crashes his plane in the middle of the country and has to find his way to civilization.

A strict vegetarian crashes his plane in the middle of the country and has to find his way to civilization. Due to a tragic experience as a child, he refuses to eat meat; he says the idea of eating what was once a living animal disgusts him and he could never enjoy eating meat. According to his ma...

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My vegetarian friend

My vegetarian friend believes that animals don't deserve to just die for our food, and she always lectures everybody about it. One day, I caught her having a Carribean takeaway, which was clearly chicken, so I did what she would've done and started going on about how that chicken didn't deserve to d...

A women stopped me in the coffee shop the other day claiming she met me through a vegetarian-only dating website...

but I had never met herbivore.

Regular zombies say "braaaaaiiiins". What do vegetarian zombies say?


What do vegetarians say at a rave?

Lettuce Turnip the Beet

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Why should you never have sex with a female vegetarian

She might give you her peas

My friend really changed when she became vegetarian...

It was like I’d never seen herbivore.

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The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach

unless he’s a vegetarian.

Then you can get there through his vagina.

Want to hear a joke about a vegetarian charcuterie board?

Never mind, it's too cheesy.

A vegetarian, an atheist, and a cross fitter walk into a bar.

How do you know?

They’ve already told you

A vegetarian meets a bear in the woods. The vegetarian says to the bear: Listen bear, this ain't gonna work, I'm a vegetarian.

The bear thinks for himself: Guess that makes me a humanitarian.

Doctor to vegetarian : Where do u feel the pain ?

Vegetarian : from my head tomato

How did the vegetarian quit smoking?

He went cold tofu.

I had to quit my vegetarian diet

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

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Why don’t vegans/vegetarians moan during sex?

They don’t wanna show that they’re loving the meat inside them

What does a vegetarian say when their tyre goes flat?

I should've brought asparagus...

How did the vegetarian redditor cook her meat?

She didn't, because she likes it r/aww.

What do vegetarian zombies eat?


Stolen from /u/tinyahjumma comment on r/askreddit

Why are vegetarians never involved in Any drama?

They can’t stand beef

I ordered a sandwich at my local foodcourt today and I ran into my favorite celebrity. Turns out they were vegetarian because they looked at me and scoffed. I guess what they say is true...

Never meat your heros.

I met this vegetarian and she looks very familiar

Seems like I met herbivore

Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters

Ten long miserable years

Where did the vegetarian cannibal get caught eating his last victim?

The long term care ward

What’s the difference between a vegan and a vegetarian?

Ah, never mind. The punchline is cheesy.

If two vegetarians get into a fight, would it still be called a beef?

Not sure, depends on what's at steak.

What did the epileptic vegetarian often have for dinner?

Seizure salad...

What does a vegetarian science teacher study?

Cole's Law.

I went to a vegetarian restaurant and the waiter asked, "How was your meal, sir?"

"It was very nice. My compliments to the gardener."

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between a vegan and a vegetarian?"

Dad: "Usually a man bun."

PSA: Vegans and Vegetarians should stop eating brown sugar immediately!

It's made out of mole asses

My friend asked me if I'd go on a date with his vegetarian friend.

"I dunno", I replied "never met herbivore"


Why do vegetarians give such good head?

Because they are used to eating nuts.

The statement "You are what you eat" isn't really true.

If you eat a vegetarian, you probably aren't a vegetarian.

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"The elephant is vegetarian" I smugly declared as I put on my scientist's hat.

"Oh, and how would you know that?" retorted my wife, as she often does when I make such sweeping assertions.

"Well," I said, "I have examined elephant turd carefully and I have found it to be quite vegetarian."

"In fact," I unwisely continued, "If you were to pick up an elephant t...

I bought my girlfriend a cheap and easy vegetarian cookbook....

Because not only is she a vegetarian....

When 2 vegetarians have an argument...

Is it considered *beef*, or is it considered *Quorn*?

What did the homicidal vegetarian say?

I would kale for some salad.

Vegetarians don’t care about animals

They eat all of their food.

How do you kill a vegetarian vampire?

A steak through the heart

Why did the vegetarian hot dog cross the road?

To prove he wasn't chicken!

My vegetarian girlfriend started a diet where she has cut out gluten, dairy, and preservatives.

It’s not all that bad though, because recently she’s been eating more nuts.

TIFU by accidentally giving my vegetarian girlfriend my Italian Sandwich from quizno's instead of her Veggie Delight Sandwich.

Oops wrong sub.

What's it called when a vegetarian starts eating meat again?

Losing your veginity.

What's the difference between a lion and a vegetarian?

A lion only eats meat and can't talk and a vegetarian only eats plants and won't shut up about it.

Why don’t vegetarians hold grudges?

Because they never have beef with anyone!

Why do vegetarians go to the library?

To get some peas and quiet.

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