UPJOKE
tomatofruitlettuceherbonionpumpkinveggiespinachpotatoartichokebeetplantcucumbervegbamboo shoot

what do you call a joke with vegetables in it?

Corny

A Spaniard is counting small green vegetables...

"Uno pea, dos pea, tres pea, cuatro pea", and then he fainted.

what do you call a Keanu reeves who doesn't eat vegetables

A John Weak.

Why do all vegetables sink when thrown in water?

The wheelchair weighs them down

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Onomastics is the study of last names, and the connection to their thing. Like how Smith's used to be makers, or Gardners used to care for plants and vegetables, or Yorks come from the town of Yorke....

I don't think I want to know what the backstory is for the Dickensons...

Where do vegetables go on vacation?

Anywhere with wheelchair accessibility.

People are a lot like Vegetables. Sometimes when you're buying produce you see some that are bruised, dented, misshapen..

Not all of them are perfect on the outside, what really matters is that they're really all the same on the inside and every one is equally edible.

Where do you find the best vegetables to eat?

The answers are very different for a vegan and a cannibal.

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

I can’t find my vegetables.

Hopefully, they turnip soon.

A guy at the local market had some wonderful vegetables on display. But when I checked, he said he wasn’t a farmer.. he simply bought the stuff from other farmers..

Turns out he was a shower, not a grower..

*Farmer's market* Wife: I'm buying these vegetables for my husband. Have you sprayed these with any poisonous chemicals?

Farmer: No madam, you'll have to do that yourself.

I like making vegetables at home

All I need is a hammer.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

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The Man who could only Drink Milk

I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed...

How much space do you need to grow your own vegetables?

Allotment.

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A woman went to the doctor saying that she got some STI while masturbating with frozen vegetables.

Turns out it was her peas.

There were two neighbours named George and Ted, and they both grew vegetable gardens. George's garden was growing beautifully, the tomatoes best of all. Meanwhile, Ted's garden was growing horribly, the tomatoes worst of all.

One day, Ted asked George, "How do I make my tomatoes ripen?"

"Maybe you should try doing what I did," said George. "You may remember that a few weeks ago, my tomatoes were just as bad as yours. Then I remembered reading somewhere that all tomatoes were female, so I came up with a plan to rip...

Where do geneticists keep their vegetables?

In the CRISPR drawer.

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A blind man goes to a restaurant...

"Menu sir?" asks the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it and order."
The confused owner goes to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returns to the blind man.
The blind man smells the fork with a deep breath, "Yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoe...

Why did the president put his vegetables in a blender?

He was hoping for whirled peas.

My friend jack claims he can communicate with vegetables..

Jack and the beans talk.

There are 3 dogs, a Chihuahua, a Yorkshire Terrier and a Great Dane, in an animal hospital side-by-side in cages. They are talking to each other.

“So what are you in for?”

The chihuahua says:
“My owner had a birthday party for his little girl yesterday. There were so many kids at the party it was crazy. Some boys were chasing me and tormenting me. Finally they cornered me in one of the bedrooms. I lost it and I lunged out and I b...

What do you call bad fruits and vegetables?

Gross-eries

Are vegetables required in every sentence?

Not nececelery

Food inspection

A food inspection officer went to 3 chicken farms

Farm 1
Inspector: What do you feed the chickens ?
Farmer 1: I feed them vegetables.
Inspector: WRONG! closed down this farm immediately

Farm 2
Inspector: What do you feed the chickens ?
Farmer 2: a little scared said i fe...

Where does Joey Fatone wash his vegetables?

N’Sync

alright, so fruits are classified as fruits instead of vegetables because they have seeds inside them, right?

men... you are fruit

Did you know some vegetables are nevee transported by sea?

Because having a leek in the boat would be very bad.

My top 5 favourite vegetables

1. Tomato
2. Lettuce

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know what Ancient Meats and Vegetables tastes like.

*spits gasoline out*
Fucking bad.

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My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables... NSFW

No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to.

I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says

"Take it with me."

I say "fuck it. I need a shower too".

We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my...

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Henry, you are 97 years old…

- Henry, you are 97 years old, what’s your secret?
- well I sucked a penis once for 20 dollars
- uh… I mean what’s your secret to long life?
- Eating a lot of vegetables and fruits

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.

Do you know why Cannibals eat Vegetables?

Easy Prey

What do you call a cellular network for vegetables?

A cellery network.

I have started investing in stocks. Chicken, vegetables and beef....

One day I hope to be a bouillionaire.

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*NSFW* What did the aliens that have sex with vegetables say to the humans when they came to earth?

We come in peas.

Funny Joke about Vegetables

I was 19 years old and eating veggies for dinner. For some reason I decided to play with my food and got arrested for disturbing the peas.

What is the hardest part about cooking vegetables?

Getting the wheelchair in the oven.

If vegetables are so good on their own

Why do vegans keep trying to make them taste like meat?

What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?

The wheelchair gets in the way.

My mum said I should eat more vegetables

But the hospital banned me

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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.

A woman then walks up to him and asks
"Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"

the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onion...

How do vegetables greet each other

Onion-hasayo

The President

The President and his cabinet (advisors) go to a restaurant. The waiter asks the President what he'd like to order. "A steak", he says. The waiter asks, "And the vegetables?" The President replies, "they'll have steak too".

What vegetables are a sailors enemy?

leeks!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into sexual position

Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.

Apparently my dinner date doesn't like vegetables....

She gave me her peas...

I bought my girlfriend vegetables on valentine's day

She thinks i'm corny

I just turned down a job at my local fruit and veg shop. They offered to pay me in vegetables

The celery was unacceptable

How did the vegetables ask to be paid more?

Leetuce have a raisin celery

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I'll be the first to admit I don't eat enough vegetables.

I just can't be arsed getting rid of the wheelchairs.

Due to COVID-19 a grocery store started paying its employees in vegetables

It was a weird celery

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I was a fat kid who didn't eat vegetables

My mom told me, "if you eat too much pork, you'll become a pork". She can be such a dick

I don't want any damn vegetables

-Mahatma Gandhi

We lost our dog at the grocery store while buying vegetables

If you see him, lettuce know

A group of canned vegetables were sitting on a shelf

and one of them was twisting around and checking himself out.
"Hey!" He cried proudly. "I'm one hundred percent corn, nothing else!"
Some fancy new can of Brussels sprouts swiveled to look at him. "But who cares? You're just corn." He said witheringly.
"Well I'm not corn. I'm heirloom...

What do you do after eating vegetables?

Try to sell the wheelchairs

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