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Vegetables Jokes

People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables?

constipated

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.

A woman then walks up to him and asks
"Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"

the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onion...

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My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables... NSFW

No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to.

I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says

"Take it with me."

I say "fuck it. I need a shower too".

We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my...

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I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into sexual position

Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.

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Miss Jones wanted to teach her class about vegetables

So she drew a large cucumber on the blackboard and said "what's that"

"It's a cock, miss" piped up Little Johnny.

"That's *it*, Little Johnny, I've had *enough* of your filthy cheek, I'm getting the headmaster" pronounced Miss Jones.

A few moments later the headmaster stomped in...

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So a grocer is restocking the vegetables...

When a woman taps him on the shoulder and says "Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the broccoli?" The man replies "Well ma'am we're out of broccoli today, but we get some more tomorrow so come back then." The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continues stocking the carrots. A few minutes ...

Most vegetables live above ground. But not onions.

Onions have lairs.

I've started crossbreeding marijuana and vegetables

Maybe I'll earn a higher celery.

What does the cannibal do after eating his vegetables?

Goes to eBay to see what he can sell the wheelchairs for.

Of all the vegetables I slaughter for food...

... I seem to pity onions the most.

Some people like root vegetables...

Some people don't really carrot all

This is my only pun about root vegetables

but I keep hoping another one will turnip

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.

Vegetable shortage in the world.

How many vegetables does it take to kill a Vegan?






"NONE"

Why do all vegetables sink when thrown in water?

The wheelchair weighs them down

I can’t find my vegetables.

Hopefully, they turnip soon.

A Spaniard is counting small green vegetables...

"Uno pea, dos pea, tres pea, cuatro pea", and then he fainted.

Where do vegetables go on vacation?

Anywhere with wheelchair accessibility.

a farmer was driving a cart full of vegetables to market when he had a head on collision with a semi

the farmer suffered severe injuries and was in the hospital for several months and was told he would be in pain for the rest of his life. He sued the driver of the semi and they went to court . in court the drivers lawyer asks the farmer

drivers lawyer " when the police arrived did they ask ...

I went to a place where people told me had the world's biggest vegetables!

The hospital soon kicked me out

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

Mom always told me to eat my vegetables...

I never could though, the wheelchair was just too gross.

what do you call a joke with vegetables in it?

Corny

A wife sent a message to her husband..

A wife sent a message to her husband: “Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Priscilla says hi to you.”

Husband: Who is Priscilla?

Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message.

Husband: But I’m with Priscilla right now, so which Prisci...

What do you call a doctor who eats his vegetables?

A cannibal.

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

A chef I know just boiled up a chicken carcass with seasoning, vegetables and nitrous oxide.

I told him he's made himself a laughing stock.

I like making vegetables at home

All I need is a hammer.

Are vegetables required in every sentence?

Not nececelery

My top 5 favourite vegetables

1. Tomato
2. Lettuce

what do you call a Keanu reeves who doesn't eat vegetables

A John Weak.

What vegetables are a sailors enemy?

leeks!

Me and my buddy Milton Spilk used to work in a kitchen, chopping up vegetables.

You have to be careful or you can cut yourself. Old Milt had an accident and got cut up pretty bad.

I felt bad about it, but eventually I decided...

Why cry over Milt Spilk?

What do you call bad fruits and vegetables?

Gross-eries

Funny Joke about Vegetables

I was 19 years old and eating veggies for dinner. For some reason I decided to play with my food and got arrested for disturbing the peas.

Where do you find the best vegetables to eat?

The answers are very different for a vegan and a cannibal.

Where does Joey Fatone wash his vegetables?

N’Sync

My friend jack claims he can communicate with vegetables..

Jack and the beans talk.

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A woman went to the doctor saying that she got some STI while masturbating with frozen vegetables.

Turns out it was her peas.

How did John and Yoko get their son to eat his vegetables?

"Sean, all we are saying is give peas a chance."

What is the hardest part about cooking vegetables?

Getting the wheelchair in the oven.

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I was a fat kid who didn't eat vegetables

My mom told me, "if you eat too much pork, you'll become a pork". She can be such a dick

What did the vegetables say at the garden party?

Lettuce turnip the beet

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Henry, you are 97 years old…

- Henry, you are 97 years old, what’s your secret?
- well I sucked a penis once for 20 dollars
- uh… I mean what’s your secret to long life?
- Eating a lot of vegetables and fruits

How do vegetables greet each other

Onion-hasayo

Do you know why Cannibals eat Vegetables?

Easy Prey

Why did the president put his vegetables in a blender?

He was hoping for whirled peas.

How much space do you need to grow your own vegetables?

Allotment.

If vegetables are so good on their own

Why do vegans keep trying to make them taste like meat?

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

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I know what Ancient Meats and Vegetables tastes like.

*spits gasoline out*
Fucking bad.

My mum said I should eat more vegetables

But the hospital banned me

Did you know some vegetables are nevee transported by sea?

Because having a leek in the boat would be very bad.

What do you call a cellular network for vegetables?

A cellery network.

Apparently my dinner date doesn't like vegetables....

She gave me her peas...

What's the difference between vegetation and vegetables?

You don't have to pull the plug on vegetation.

People are a lot like Vegetables. Sometimes when you're buying produce you see some that are bruised, dented, misshapen..

Not all of them are perfect on the outside, what really matters is that they're really all the same on the inside and every one is equally edible.

I have started investing in stocks. Chicken, vegetables and beef....

One day I hope to be a bouillionaire.

I bought my girlfriend vegetables on valentine's day

She thinks i'm corny

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Mrs Omalley needs vegetables

Mrs. O'Malley woke up on a fine Monday and decided to make a delicious stew for her dear husband of 50 years.

She grabbed carrots, potatoes, celery, radishes and a out to the barn for a rabbit. She gathered all the ingredients and was getting ready to start putting them into the pot when she ...

*Farmer's market* Wife: I'm buying these vegetables for my husband. Have you sprayed these with any poisonous chemicals?

Farmer: No madam, you'll have to do that yourself.

What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?

Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.

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