My friend jack claims he can communicate with vegetables..

Jack and the beans talk.

What do you call bad fruits and vegetables?

Gross-eries

Are vegetables required in every sentence?

Not nececelery

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A woman went to the doctor saying that she got some STI while masturbating with frozen vegetables.

Turns out it was her peas.

Did you know some vegetables are nevee transported by sea?

Because having a leek in the boat would be very bad.

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I know what Ancient Meats and Vegetables tastes like.

*spits gasoline out*
Fucking bad.

I can’t find my vegetables.

Hopefully, they turnip soon.

What do you call a cellular network for vegetables?

A cellery network.

My top 5 favourite vegetables

1. Tomato
2. Lettuce

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*NSFW* What did the aliens that have sex with vegetables say to the humans when they came to earth?

We come in peas.

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

Do you know why Cannibals eat Vegetables?

Easy Prey

Mary needed veggies for dinner but her nails weren't dry yet, and she had friends coming over.

She sends a text to her husband: "Honey please don't forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says 'Hi' to you.”

Paul, her husband, replied “Priscilla?"

“I’m kidding. I was just making sure that you read my message.”

Paul took a moment, then repl...

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

I have started investing in stocks. Chicken, vegetables and beef....

One day I hope to be a bouillionaire.

How do vegetables greet each other

Onion-hasayo

Funny Joke about Vegetables

I was 19 years old and eating veggies for dinner. For some reason I decided to play with my food and got arrested for disturbing the peas.

What is the hardest part about cooking vegetables?

Getting the wheelchair in the oven.

If vegetables are so good on their own

Why do vegans keep trying to make them taste like meat?

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

My mum said I should eat more vegetables

But the hospital banned me

Can someone explain please ?

Wife : How is my husband ?

Doctor : Well, you are what you eat.

Wife : but he only eats vegetables ... Ohh

Two women go to a hospital for tests.

One of them is worried she might be pregnant, and the other one has the sniffles. They get tested, but their results get switched. The woman with the sniffles receives the result saying that she's pregnant.

"Dammit!!" she exclaims, "You can't even trust vegetables anymore!"

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My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables... NSFW

No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to.

I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says

"Take it with me."

I say "fuck it. I need a shower too".

We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my...

How did the vegetarian get so fat when he only ate vegetables?

He worked at a hospital.

What vegetables are a sailors enemy?

leeks!

Apparently my dinner date doesn't like vegetables....

She gave me her peas...

I don't want any damn vegetables

-Mahatma Gandhi

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A blind man walks into a restaurant

The waiter notices that he's blind and says "Would you like me to get you the braille menu sir?"

The blind man says "No, thank you. Just bring me one of your dirty forks and I'll decide what I want." So the waiter does that and the blind man smells it and says "Yes, I'd like the roasted lamb ...

Due to COVID-19 a grocery store started paying its employees in vegetables

It was a weird celery

I bought my girlfriend vegetables on valentine's day

She thinks i'm corny

I just turned down a job at my local fruit and veg shop. They offered to pay me in vegetables

The celery was unacceptable

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I'll be the first to admit I don't eat enough vegetables.

I just can't be arsed getting rid of the wheelchairs.

How did the vegetables ask to be paid more?

Leetuce have a raisin celery

What's the worst part about eating vegetables? NSFW

When you're done, you have to put them back in their wheelchair.

A group of canned vegetables were sitting on a shelf

and one of them was twisting around and checking himself out.
"Hey!" He cried proudly. "I'm one hundred percent corn, nothing else!"
Some fancy new can of Brussels sprouts swiveled to look at him. "But who cares? You're just corn." He said witheringly.
"Well I'm not corn. I'm heirloom...

We lost our dog at the grocery store while buying vegetables

If you see him, lettuce know

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What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

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