UPJOKE
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Who is the leader of the corn army?

The kernal.

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A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road when they saw some corn in a ditch just across the road.

The horse walked over to eat the corn.

Before he got to the corn, he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get out of the mud.

So he tells the chicken "Hey, go over to that farm house and get some help to get me out of this mud.”

When the chicken gets to the f...

Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land

What happens if you castrate a corn cob?

It becomes a Eunuch-Corn

Corn makes everything better.

It's a-maize-ing like that.

What did baby corn ask mommy corn?

Where is pop corn?

What's the best thing about corn?

It's the only food that if you really wanted to you could eat twice

I said to the woman at the deli, “I’d like to buy a corned beef and pastrami, with pickles.” She replied, “Sorry..."

"We only take cash or card.”

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Sex in a muddy corn field

A hillbilly and his wife are having sex in a muddy corn field one
evening.

The hillbilly asks, “Honey, could you check to see if it’s in you or if
it’s in the mud?”

She reaches down and checks. “It’s in the mud,” she tells him.

“Well, could you put it back in?”

She ...

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Why did the corn call the police?

Because it got stalked!

How much does corn cost in Tampa Bay?

A Buccaneer

2 Blondes drive past corn field

They see another blonde, in the middle of the field in a row boat, rowing away.
"It's blondes like that that give the rest of us a bad name!" one complains to the other. "Yeah! If I could swim, I'd teach her a lesson!" replied the other

What do you call a single kernel of corn?

A uni-corn

Why did the corn cross the road ?

Because it was being stalked.

(sorry, that was bit corny.)

How much do pirates charge for corn?

A buck-an-ear.

Life is like a corn dog

Women only want the weiner if it's got bread!

What did baby corn say to momma corn?

where is popcorn?

A corn stalk sits down at a bar.

The bartender says, “Want to hear a corny joke?”

The corn stalk replies, “I’m all ears!”

If corn oil comes from corn,

where does baby oil come from?

Why are corn farmers great at eavesdropping?

Because they have ears everywhere!

What did the pirate charge for a corn on the cob?

A buck an ear

My dad and I were in a field husking corn

Years ago we were out in the cornfield. Then I start complaining about somebody for a bit.

My dad: you know you shouldn't say those things about them in this field

Me: why?

My dad: there's a lot of ears out here

What did the broth say to the corn starch?

You thicken me.

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The corn drenched in Butter

There were three young men who got lost on a mountain hike in the night.

The snow was raging, and all three were freezing and starving, desperate for shelter and food.
Luckily, they found a house in the woods. They knocked on the door, hoping to get a place to sleep for the night and somet...

Did you hear about the Russian plane that had to land in the middle of a corn crop?

Don’t worry, that pilot is the best in the field.

What's the difference between corn and potatoes?

One has ears, the other has eyes.

How much do pirates pay for corn?

A buccaneer.



Nah, just kidding... they just steal it.

What did baby corn tell mamma corn?

Where’s pop corn?

From my 7 year old daughter.

A corn farmer asked his field "are you listening?"

To which the field responded "I'm all ears"

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What’s the difference between a corn farmer with allergies and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits.

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the far...

What is the difference between corn on the cob and corn off the cob?

Now that I have your ear- there is no punchline. This has all just been a corny set up.

A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas...

After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window.

"What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim.

"Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any cor...

A farmer and his corn

A farmer was trying to impress a girl so he put an ear of corn in his pants. The girl got excited and went to unzip his pants. She sees the corn and is confused. The farmer says, well it ain’t gunna shuck itself.

I make a pretty good corn salad...

In fact it's amaizeing.

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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.<...

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Who dosen't love a Buttery corn cob

Three guys survive a plane crash in the desert. They wander for days, starving and thirsty. They finally come across a lone house and knock on the door, desperate for help. A crusty old lady answers, and says she'd be happy to help if one of them will agree to satisfy her sexually first. After a qui...

What does corn say when it gets a compliment?

Aw shucks!

Illinois has corn, Wisconsin has cheese, what does Michigan have?

Lead poisoning.

What did mammy corn say to baby corn when daddy didn't come home?????

Wheres popcorn.

Sorry for the corny joke.

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

A bit of corn tries to get into heaven

St Peter asks
"what was your job?"
"I was a Kernel before I got popped" it answers.
"in what army?" st Peter asks
And the corn answers in a husky voice: "the one that stalks maizes and takes ears".

I'm not sorry, just a little corny.

Why are farmers growing corn?

Don't they know they can just buy it at the grocery store!

A carrot, some corn and a cucumber fell into the ocean.

They are all c foods.

Why did the manager fire the corn?

Cause he was sleeping on the cob!

Why do pirates only eat corn on special occasions?

Arrrrr, cause' they cost a buccaneer

Who is the master of corn religion ?

The pope corn

Today is National Puzzle Day and National Corn Chip Day

I thought of a joke, but couldn't quite piece it together. Side note: corn chip puzzles are difficult to assemble but they taste good!

Thank goodness it's my first cake day!

What did the ear of corn say to the cute puppy?

Aww Shucks

What did the farmer say to the corn that was being difficult?

Go shuck yourself.


What did the mom say to her child walking through the cornfield?

Watch out for stalkers.


Sorry for all the corny jokes.

Sitting with my shoes off next to a warm campfire eating corn chips.

Tostitos

1,200 candy corns will kill you!

Don't worry the world record is three!

I love corn!

It's a food that always amaizes me.

I got lost in a corn field.

It was quite a maize.

When life hands you High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid, Maltodextrin, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Calcium Furmarate, Yellow #5, Tocopherol and less than 2% natural flavors...

...make lemonade.

What does corn use to get on the internet?

The cobweb.

What does a corn become when it joins the military?

Colonel

I was going to tell a joke about a corn eyeball...

But it just keeps getting cornea and cornea

What do you call Monty Python if it's filled with corn?

Del Monte Python

Two corn cobs walked down the street,

One was then hit by a car. At the hospital, the doctor said to the other corn, “I have good news and bad news,”

“Good news is your friend is going to pull through.”

“Bad news is he’s going to be a vegetable”

Why did the Chief go out and buy all the corn he could find?

Because he couldn't beat a Buccaneer.

What's the difference between a chickpea and corn?

I've never had corn on my face

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Young Couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no ...

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A virgin goes to a brothel...

He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.

The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks t...

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The dirtiest joke my Grandma ever told me.

A mother puts her two sons to bed, before they fall asleep.

The older brother tells his little brother, "I think it's time we started cussing."

The younger brother asks, "Well what are you going to say?"

The older brother responds, "I'll say, Hell."

The younger brother sa...

They told me “I’m corny”, I said “of corns not”

I can’t be a comedian, you see.

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.

"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."

When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you w...

Corn is the Houdini of food.

It disappears one day and reappears the next.

I had a joke about what happens to corn in the digestive system.

But it's recycled.

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My relationship with corn is perfect.

It'll never turn to shit.

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What did the corn say to his therapist?

How can a family with so many ears not hear my cries for help?

What do you call a millennial in a corn field.

Lost. They're definitely lost.

Down at the farmers market and a man dress as a pirate was selling corn for 1$

It was a buccaneer

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What’s the difference between Ted Cruz and a 300lb piece of festering shit filled with corn?

The corn.

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