UPJOKE
sweet corncerealgrainmaizepopcornstarchwheatcorn oilmexicoricecorncobhominycropbeanbarley

Who is the leader of the corn army?

The kernal.

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A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road when they saw some corn in a ditch just across the road.

The horse walked over to eat the corn.

Before he got to the corn, he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get out of the mud.

So he tells the chicken "Hey, go over to that farm house and get some help to get me out of this mud.”

When the chicken gets to the f...

Two corns in a field were telling each other corny jokes.

They were the laughing stalk of the field

Police have arrested a gang of Corn Flakes that they alledge committed a spree of armed robberies throughout the metro area. A Police spokesman described them as...

....cereal offenders.

What happens if you castrate a corn cob?

It becomes a Eunuch-Corn

How much does corn cost in Tampa Bay?

A Buccaneer

What's the difference between corn and potatoes?

One has ears, the other has eyes.

What did the pirate charge for a corn on the cob?

A buck an ear

My dad and I were in a field husking corn

Years ago we were out in the cornfield. Then I start complaining about somebody for a bit.

My dad: you know you shouldn't say those things about them in this field

Me: why?

My dad: there's a lot of ears out here

2 Blondes drive past corn field

They see another blonde, in the middle of the field in a row boat, rowing away.
"It's blondes like that that give the rest of us a bad name!" one complains to the other. "Yeah! If I could swim, I'd teach her a lesson!" replied the other

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?

"Where's Popcorn?"

A cob of corn finishes his service in the army and retires

as a Colonel in good standing among his field

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

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What’s the difference between a corn farmer with allergies and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits.

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says,

"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go ...

Why are corn farmers great at eavesdropping?

Because they have ears everywhere!

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. I picked up a girl in a bar the other night and we went back to her place. We started making out and getting naked. I went down and started munching on that pussy and got a piece of corn in my mouth.

.. I didn’t think to much of it, just threw over my shoulder and went on eating. Then I got a green bean in my mouth. I like green beans, I just ate it and went back down. Then I got a piece of asparagus in my mouth. That was to much. I hate asparagus. I looked up at her and said,”God damn woman, ar...

What did the broth say to the corn starch?

You thicken me.

What’s the difference between your granny and your granary?

One is your born kin and the other is your corn bin.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar during the town's annual Halloween celebration. "I'd sure like to try out that giant corn maze they set up, but I'm afraid I'd get lost and kill half the day in there," the guy tells the bartender. "There is actually a guide you can hire that will take you through the entire l...

King

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, Who is mightiest of all jungle animals? The trembling monkey says, You are, mighty lion!Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals? The ...

A plumber went to the doctor

He said "Doctor, every time I try to sleep I close my eyes and see visions of PVC, copper, steel and corncob. Am I going mad?!"

The doctor replied "Relax. You're just having pipe dreams."

How much do pirates pay for corn?

A buccaneer.



Nah, just kidding... they just steal it.

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Guy goes to a therapist. He says, "Doc, I live in constant fear that I'm a grain of corn and there's a giant chicken out there who wants to eat me."

Doctor says, "That's obviously absurd."

The doctor works with the man over the course of three years to finally convince him that he's not a grain of corn that a giant chicken wants to eat.

Finally cured, the man leaves. He's back the next day. The doctor says, "Why are you back."
...

What do you call a single kernel of corn?

A uni-corn

Corn makes everything better.

It's a-maize-ing like that.

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Simple food?

A number of men gathered in the smoking car of a train were talking of the food best calculated to sustain health.

One stout, florid man, with short, gray hair and a self-satisfied air, was holding forth in great style.

"Look at me!" he exclaimed. "Never had a day's sickness in my lif...

Why are cornfield mazes part of our Halloween tradition?

They are exceptionally ear-ie.

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Three couples are trying to get married.

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.


"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without havi...

A corn farmer asked his field "are you listening?"

To which the field responded "I'm all ears"

Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land

I complemented some corn the other day.

It smiled from ear to ear.

A farmer and his corn

A farmer was trying to impress a girl so he put an ear of corn in his pants. The girl got excited and went to unzip his pants. She sees the corn and is confused. The farmer says, well it ain’t gunna shuck itself.

What is the difference between corn on the cob and corn off the cob?

Now that I have your ear- there is no punchline. This has all just been a corny set up.

Which kind of corn holds the highest position in the catholic church?

Popecorn

The Life of a Bug Spray Salesman

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. *"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."*

The farmer was dubious. *"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you...

what do you call a joke with vegetables in it?

Corny

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A duck walks into a bar...

... walks up to the bartender and asks "do you have any corn?"
The bartender says "nah we don't have any corn"
So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the same bar.
"Do you have any corn?"
" no we don't have any corn" says the bartender.
The duck walks out again.
T...

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

A carrot, some corn and a cucumber fell into the ocean.

They are all c foods.

What does corn say when it gets a compliment?

Aw shucks!

Illinois has corn, Wisconsin has cheese, what does Michigan have?

Lead poisoning.

Sitting with my shoes off next to a warm campfire eating corn chips.

Tostitos

Why did the Chief go out and buy all the corn he could find?

Because he couldn't beat a Buccaneer.

Down at the farmers market and a man dress as a pirate was selling corn for 1$

It was a buccaneer

Today is National Puzzle Day and National Corn Chip Day

I thought of a joke, but couldn't quite piece it together. Side note: corn chip puzzles are difficult to assemble but they taste good!

Thank goodness it's my first cake day!

A bit of corn tries to get into heaven

St Peter asks
"what was your job?"
"I was a Kernel before I got popped" it answers.
"in what army?" st Peter asks
And the corn answers in a husky voice: "the one that stalks maizes and takes ears".

I'm not sorry, just a little corny.

Two farmers are standing in a corn field looking up at a full moon. The first farmer exclaims: "what a clear night! Hey! What do you think is closer; the moon or Australia?"

The second farmer turns to the first. "What a stupid question. Can you SEE Australia?"

What did the ear of corn say to the cute puppy?

Aww Shucks

What did the farmer say to the corn that was being difficult?

Go shuck yourself.


What did the mom say to her child walking through the cornfield?

Watch out for stalkers.


Sorry for all the corny jokes.

I had a joke about what happens to corn in the digestive system.

But it's recycled.

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What’s a scarecrows favorite type of porn?

Hard corn

Why do pirates only eat corn on special occasions?

Arrrrr, cause' they cost a buccaneer

Who is the master of corn religion ?

The pope corn

I was going to tell a joke about a corn eyeball...

But it just keeps getting cornea and cornea

Most people associate Frankie Valli with the Four Seasons, but how many of you are familiar with the song he wrote about the native corn of the Southeast United States?

It was called "Maize of Georgia," and it's a hit.

What did baby corn tell mamma corn?

Where’s pop corn?

From my 7 year old daughter.

Was shopping at the grocery store and I saw that an ear of corn was a dollar

A Buck an Ear?


That's Piracy, man.

I'm making deer nachos for dinner tonight because it's the most American meal I could think of

The corn and deer were here to begin with, Europeans just brought the cheese and a Mexican did all the work anyway.

They told me “I’m corny”, I said “of corns not”

I can’t be a comedian, you see.

What does corn use to get on the internet?

The cobweb.

What does a corn become when it joins the military?

Colonel

Why did the manager fire the corn?

Cause he was sleeping on the cob!

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What’s the difference between Ted Cruz and a 300lb piece of festering shit filled with corn?

The corn.

What do you call Monty Python if it's filled with corn?

Del Monte Python

what has ears but doesn't listen?

men.

credit: -my wife

Why are farmers growing corn?

Don't they know they can just buy it at the grocery store!

Cor fed devil

Man sees a corn field and decides to try and walk to the middle of it. The man reaches the middle and sees the devil himself. The man asks “what are you doing here?” “well I have a challenge for you and if you get it wrong your soul is forfeit,” the devil said. The man of course agrees and the devil...

I told the corn he wasn't fat, just a little husky.

He didn't know how to take the compliment tho I guess it went against the grain.

1,200 candy corns will kill you!

Don't worry the world record is three!

What did mammy corn say to baby corn when daddy didn't come home?????

Wheres popcorn.

Sorry for the corny joke.

What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?

A cereal murder.

Why can’t a farmer keep secrets on her farm?

Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beans stalk.

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the far...

What do you call a millennial in a corn field.

Lost. They're definitely lost.

Two corn cobs walked down the street,

One was then hit by a car. At the hospital, the doctor said to the other corn, “I have good news and bad news,”

“Good news is your friend is going to pull through.”

“Bad news is he’s going to be a vegetable”

I saw someone at the grocery store who angrily stabbed a box of corn flakes, and the flakes went everywhere.

The person was arrested for being a cereal killer.

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