UPJOKE
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Green Jokes

Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?

Because it didn't habanero.

If you replace your morning coffee with green tea .....

You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you have left in your life.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.

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What's the difference between red and green?

Fuck all apparently if you’re on a bike

What's long, green and smells like bacon?

Kermit’s Fingers

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The Green Dickie!

A nymphomaniac just couldn't get enough pleasure. Not from any man, nor any of the many toys she had collected over the years.

One day, while having coffee with a girlfriend, she told her friend about this problem. Her friend knew exactly what she needed, and gave her the name of a ...

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

Reddit is really a green community,

considering all the recycled content on here.

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If you have two green balls in your hand, what else do you have?

Kermit’s undivided attention.

Green is my favorite color.

Green is my favorite color. I love it even more than blue and yellow combined.

A boy asks his dad a question

A boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs,when their thumbs are not green?"

The dad replies,"It's just a saying son,It's like when somebody is caught stealing,they say they have been caught 'red handed',even though their hands is black."

Reddit's logo should be a bit more green.

To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content.

When do you start on red and stop on green?

When you're eating a watermelon!

I stopped paying attention to movie reviews after critics raved about The Green Mile.

Great concept, but terrible execution.

If you have have a small green ball in one hand and another small green ball in the other, what do you have?

Kermit the Frog's full attention.

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A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke

When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks

"Top ...

What's red and green and goes 90 miles an hour?

Frogs in a blender.

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Luke's Stories of Love & the Little Green Master

So Luke is telling Yoda about this hot alien female from Coruscant on whom he performed oral sex. After listening to his escapades, Yoda only had one word in response.


"Attenuate"

What do you call a 300 pound Green Bay Packer fan?

Anorexic

[NSFW]What's green and eats nuts?

Syphilis.

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What did Mario say when he found out he got drunk and had sex with a green mushroom?

"Well, I fucked that one up."

/r/Jokes won the International Green Awards!

96% recycled content.

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Fun fact I was born the same day a Green Day album was released

So, that means two American Idiots came out that day

The Green Golf Ball

Once upon a time, there was a young boy, and this young boy was having
his 10th birthday. His father thinking that it was an important day for
his young lad, said to him, 'You can have anything that you want for
your birthday'.
The boy thought and thought. Finally, he said to his pop, "D...

Green chameleon for sale...

No, a red one.

No, blue.

No wait, a pink one.

Cool.

Never mind, I'm keeping it!

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Woman goes to Green Groceries

Woman enters the green groceries and says "I would like a cucumber please"

Shop assistant asks if she wants it whole or sliced.

"I've got a fanny not a fucking slot machine" she replied.

Did you know the Green Goblin decided to turn good and team up with Spider-Man?

Yeah, he's now Willem Dafriend

What do Green Eggs and Ham, and Fifty Shades of Gray have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

What do you call green onions that sing hip-hop?

Rapscallions

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’

He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it common?” I asked.

“It’s not unusual” he replied.

My toenails turned green, shrank, and started smelling like mint.

My doctor says I have a rare condition called Tic Tac Toes.

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What’s green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

What’s a wolf’s favorite leafy green?

awoooooogula

(Classic Joke) A woman and her male neighbour each buy greenhouses…

They both decide to grow tomatoes and a few months later they meet up and talk about how they’re getting on.

The man says his are big and red, but the woman says hers are still green and asks the man his secret.

‘Everyday I go in the greenhouse naked. The tomatoes are so embarrassed ...

A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain while golfing."

"I understand, my son," the priest says. "I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?"

"Well," the man says, "I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees."

"Was that when you did it?" The priest asked.

"No, the ball b...

A guy is playing golf with his wife...

They're on the 12th hole and the guy slices his tee shot right into the woods. He trudges into the woods, and locates his ball. it's in a little clearing, but there is a big barn between him and the green.

He takes a good look, and says, "Listen, honey, I think if you hold the barn door ope...

Here's a mind bender my 8 year old son came up with: Why are trees green?

For camouflage.

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Violets are green, roses are blue...

Alright you bastards, who fucked with the hue?

A Spaniard is counting small green vegetables...

"Uno pea, dos pea, tres pea, cuatro pea", and then he fainted.

How does the Soylent Green factory deal with workplace misconduct?

Human Resources.

Q: What’s green, has six legs, and if it drops out of a tree onto you will kill you?

A: A pool table.

Bonus Joke!!!

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Doesn't matter, he won't come.

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Jesus, Moses, and a mutual friend play golf.

So Jesus, Moses, and a friend of theirs all go out for a round of golf.

Jesus steps up to the tee. Takes his swing, and it's a nice looking drive, but it ends up in the water hazard and floats to the top. He walks out onto the pond and chips up onto the green.

Moses steps up to the tee...

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The Little Green Man

One day there was a little green man who had just got home from his little green job.

He got to his little green door, opened it, stepped inside, hung up his little green coat and decided to run his little green bath while he drank a little cup of green tea.

As soon as his little green...

My Fav St Pat's Day joke, "What is green and sits on your back porch?"

Patio (Paddy'O) Furnitue

Happy St Patrick's Day my internet friends!

If light travels faster than the speed of sound

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

Woman: "Doctor...I have 2 green marks on the inside of my thigh!!"

"Does your husband have pierced ears?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Tell him, his earrings aren't gold."

What do you call a huge, angry, green man that cites all his arguments from peer reviewed journals?

The credible hulk

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What does a blue-green genie get from unprotected sex?

Genieteal warts

Don't underestimate a Green Lantern

They won't take it lightly

Why Won't Aaron Rodgers Leave Green Bay?

Because he doesn't want to Take a Shot on another team.

Whats green and gets smoked in bowls?

Notre Dame

"dad, why do people say they have green fingers when their fingers are not green"?

"well son, its a saying. just like when you say someone was caught red handed, when their hand is actually black"

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

What do you get if you paint a pink pig mint-green?

A pigmint of your imagination.

What's green and goes quick?

A South African duck.

Tootie Greene

My ex-husband was once asked by our pastor to fill in for him one Sunday. He obliged, but then the pastor warned him about a woman named Tootie Greene. Apparently she likes to come into service and antoganize the pastor during his sermon. Ex-husband says OK and comes home to prepare for the follo...

What burns longer, a red or a green candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

Why do elephants wear green shoes?

So they can sneak across pool tables.

Have you ever seen an elephant sneaking across a pool table?

Works, doesn't it?

A contractor is taking a tour with a client discussing color themes. GREEN SIDE UP!

The contractor yelled out the living room window as he turned his attention back to the confused client. "Ah yes you definitely want a neutral tone for a room of this size and a decorator can help pick out the right furniture to accent." The client relaxed and completely agreed with his insight. "...

What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

This was my grandfathers all time favorite joke.

Pop Pop: What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: I don't know...

Pop Pop: A Red dingle dangle of course!


Pop Pop: What's green and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: A green dingle dangle!

Po...

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A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.



"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t...

Who is Green Goblin in Spiderman?

Dafoe

Green,pink and yellow

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Ag...

What’s red, green, and smells?

An apple, a frog, and your nose.

It’s my cake day. Had to post something.

Do you know why the markets are green since the start of the week?

Cuz Green Day woke up after September ended.

Roses are red, violets are green..

If you were on acid, you would know what I mean.

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What happens when your piss turns green?

Urine trouble

I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness.

It came out of the green.

Yo momma so dumb she waits for the stop signs to turn green

She so ugly they do

Whats green, blue, red and has white dots?

A penguin and I'll color it however i'd like!

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Two nuns are sitting in their car one evening, stuck at traffic lights.

As the lights turn green, out of nowhere, a vampire appears in front of their car!

Sister Mary turns to the more experienced Sister Agnes and cries out "Sister! A manifestation of pure evil! What shall we do!?"

Sister Agnes, with all of her holy wisdom, stays calm and says "Sister Mary...

Why did Marx only drink green tea?

Because all proper tea is theft

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Green ping pong ball.

These was once a girl, Sara, whos third birthday was coming up, and as this was the first time she was old enough to really understand what was happening, her parents asked her what she wanted.
"I want a green ping pong ball!" Sara answered immediately and without a hint of uncertainty. The par...

What do you call a green bat that walks across a yellow bridge?

I don’t know, but at least it isn’t a repost

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