A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”

Her neighbor replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”

She says Well, ...

What goes green, green, red, green, red, red?

A frog in a blender

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If the Green Lantern is weak to the color yellow, if you pissed on him, would he become weak?

Either way, he'd be pissed

Who is Green Goblin in Spiderman?

Dafoe

What’s green and smells like bacon?

Kermit’s hand

The studio is thinking of producing a remake for Green Lantern

They are waiting for the green light

What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger.

Mr. Green is reading a newspaper by the pool.

A lifeguard walks up and quietly says "Mr. Green there have been some complaints by the other guests."

Mr. Green puts down his paper. "Well I'm sure there isn't much of an issue."

The lifeguard continues, "it appears someone has been peeing in the pool."

"Everyone pees in the po...

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

I was trying to think of past Republicans similar to Marjorie Taylor Greene

But they just Palin comparison.

Are you a banana? John Green quotes

Google question: Are you a banana?


Critically acclaimed author John Green: Oh come on, these questions are just getting stupid. Like, do I have some kind of pale exterior that you can peel away and then-


...


Oh...


...


But do I thrive i...

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs and would kill you if it fell on you?

A pool/billiard table (you can tell me the difference in the comments)

How does Marjorie Taylor Green vote on Democrat sponsored bills?

Neigh

Reddit's logo should be a bit more green.

To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content.

Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?

Because it didn't habanero.

What is green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it’ll kill you?

A pool table

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[NSFW] Why does the blonde have a green vagina?

The can said finger paint!

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple...

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”<...

Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment.

Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.

I Met a Fellow Who Wore Green, and Had Stolen a Pot of Gold.

Turns out he was a Leprechaun-vict.

My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense....

It was hard to miss him

What do you call a green and edible table?

A Vegetable

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them if they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agrees.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into the...

I'm pleased to announce Reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world!

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content

I was swindled by a tiny man dressed in green.

He was begging and I gave him money because he claimed to be afflicted by a horrible and infamous skin disease. I have since learned that claim was false.

Yes, I fell victim to a classic leper con.

How did Marjorie Taylor Greene find out about the secret Jewish Space Laser?

It Torah hole in the atmosphere!

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know TUBA is also an acronym? Yeah really. It stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

Compliments of Hank Green

What do the colors green, pink, and yellow have in common?

The phone rings green....green.....green! So you pink it up and say yellow.

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A child crashes his bike in front of a church

The priest see's this and bring the boy inside to treat him. The boy having a concussion stays the night in the church. In the middle of the night he hears a blood curling scream. The next morning he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a...

A married couple leaves a formal event

He's in a tuxedo, she's in a gown. He's been drinking. He starts the car but doesn't put on his seat belt.

"Please, darling," the wife says, "you've been drinking. Put on your seat belt."

"Not when I'm wearing a tuxedo," he says.

They drive to an intersection. Across from them i...

What’s green and red and goes 100 miles an hour?

A frog in a blender.

This joke brought to you by one of my first grade students who loudly shared it at lunch this week.

What the difference between a green pea and a chick pea?

I've never had a green pea on my chest.

What's Green and if it fell out of a tree it'll kill you?

My Car

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

How to catch a polar bear: Dig a big hole out in the ice and place little green peas all around it...

And when the polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

What is green and loves going camping?

A Boy Sprout

What's green and has four wheels?

It's grass, I lied about the wheels.

Have you met our on-board cook who likes green power tools?

He is our Makita cruise chef.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

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There was a man working inside a green grocer...

We'll call him Paul.

One day, as Paul was stacking the shelves this lady walks up to him.

"Excuse me sir, but where is your broccoli?"

"Oh, Im sorry" Paul replied "We are all out of broccoli, but if you come back tomorrow we will have some then."

So the lady says okay an...

What’s red, green, and smells?

An apple, a frog, and your nose.

It’s my cake day. Had to post something.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

A joke my mother told me today

A British man comes to a village and is given saag^1 on bajra roti^2. He eats the saag by itself and returns the roti to his hosts, saying "Here is your plate."

1. Saag is a mushy dish made with boiled spinach or mustard greens

2. Bajra roti is a flat bread made from millet, it has no...

Moses, Jesus and the Old Man

One day, Moses, Jesus and a old man were playing golf. They got to a water hole, and Moses was up to tee off first. So, he took his shot, and it landed squarely in the water. But Moses parted the water, took another shot, and landed next to the cup.
Jesus was up next, and his shot ended up ...

What is green and smells like pork?

Kermits fingers.



Also....



What is green and goes 100 MPH?

Frog in a blender.

Don't underestimate a Green Lantern

They won't take it lightly

A flying saucer landed in my backyard and little green men came out. They demanded "TAKE US TO YOUR LEADER".

What the hell am I supposed to tell them? That we won't have a leader until January 20th ?

The Oblivious Miner

A miner moves out to Colorado. Having spent a few years in California, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dusk 'til dawn in the mines, and then from dawn 'til dusk drinking, playing card games and occasionally have some great night with them lady(or ladies).
...

The phone rings at Crayola Headquarters

{green-green-green}

"Yellow?"

"May I speak to Mr. Brown?"

"Please white while I transfer you."

{pink}

A red curry and a green curry had a fight....

There was no winner...it was a Thai.

If the green man lives in the green house, the yellow man lives in the Yellow house and the blue man lives in the blue house, who lives in the white house?

An orange man who doesn't want to leave

Guy goes to a fancy dress party in a green jumpsuit carry a woman by piggy back.....

Doorman: You can't come in mate, you're not in fancy dress

Guy: Yes I am, I'm a tortoise

Doorman: well I can see you're wearing green, but what's with the woman on your back?

Guy: That's Michelle....

What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

How do you get red color from green color?

You put frog in mixer

In a banana republic

the traffic lights go from green to yellow to brown.

The Race!

Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school. So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer a...

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The pickup line of Cecil the cavalier

Cecil is a young British aristocrat who loves horse-riding but is terribly shy.

On his daily trot around Hyde Park, he frequently sees a beautiful girl riding a jet-black Morgan horse but can’t pluck up the courage to approach her.

One evening he’s having a beer with his friend Charles...

I just beat a black belt at karate...

My next challenge is a green sock .

Tootie Greene

My ex-husband was once asked by our pastor to fill in for him one Sunday. He obliged, but then the pastor warned him about a woman named Tootie Greene. Apparently she likes to come into service and antoganize the pastor during his sermon. Ex-husband says OK and comes home to prepare for the follo...

I would complain about Green Day...

But you don't have the time to listen to me whine

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together

After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the bar...

Why aren’t children allowed to watch movies about green ogres?

Because of all the Shrexual content.

Black tarmac and red tarmac at chatting at a bar

Black tarmac: No one messes with me.

Red tarmac: Yeah? How come?

Black tarmac: I'm black tarmac, I'm the toughest tarmac, tougher than any other

Green tarmac walks in, and black tarmac cowers behind red tarmac as green tarmac orders a drink, drinks it and leaves.

Black ta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Democrats hoard their gas in biodegradable containers, and Republicans hoard their gas in non-biodegradable containers, then who did the people who hoard their gas in plastic bags vote for?

The Greene Party.

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An Englishman, an Irishman & a Leprechaun in a bar...

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.

As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, “Hey, what’s that...

The lion was a an avid golf player

One day, he was randomly paired up with another cat. This cat was something else. Every time he'd tee off, zoom! He'd go running down the fairway, often beating the ball down the hole.

Not only was he fast as but he was good, really good. Every shot landed in the fairway, or even on the gr...

What do colour-blind people and cyclists have in common?

They can't tell the difference between red and green.

Guy walks into the doctor's office...

A guy with green beans stuck in his ears goes to the doctor.

"Doc, ya gotta help me," he moans, "I feel terrible."

The doctor says, "Well I can tell just by looking at you, you're not eating right."

So you’ve got a green beret, a Navy Seal, and a sister from Brooklyn

A general is recruiting for a team of his. The general hands each of them a gun and says your spouse is seated next door, in a room, in a chair. In order to pass this test you must go inside and kill them.

Immediately the green beret says ‘No sir, I could never kill my wife. I just can't do i...

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Best Golfer in the World

After a long week of work, Frank grabs his clubs and heads to the golf course for some needed R&R. After a few holes Frank catches up to a man and a gorilla standing on the par 5. Frank finds this odd, but strolls up and sets his ball up to tee off. The man with the gorilla looks at Frank and sa...

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

another golfer

So a guy is playing golf with his wife. They\`re on the 12th hole and the guy slices his tee shot right into the woods.

He trudges into the woods, and locates his ball. It\`s in a little clearing, but there is a big barn between him and the green.

He takes a good look, and says, "Lis...

What do you call a story about freshly picked, wild salad greens that go bad when shipped through the USPS.

A stale trail kale snail mail fail tale.

A couple called in a contractor to do some updates to their house and landscape.

A couple called in a contractor to do some updates to their house and landscape. They all walk in to the bedroom and they tell him they were thinking about painting it blue because there's a baby boy on the way. He walks to the window and yells "Green side up!" The couple look at one another a bit c...

Why did Marx only drink green tea?

Because all proper tea is theft

Tomorrow we have to remember to wake up Green Day.

When September ends.

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A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals th...

Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than

Blue and Yellow combined

Doctor, I can’t stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home. He says “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked.

" It's not unusual", he replied.

A guy at a Halloween party had a girl on his back dressed in green.

The host asked "who's that?" The guy answered "that's Michelle."

I keep thinking that there's a color between blue and green, but there isn't

It's a pigment of my imagination.

One sunny day, Jesus, Moses and a small elderly man were playing golf.

Jesus was the first to tee off. He hit the ball a little to the left, and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus his ball floated, and when he got down to the hazard, he walked upon the water and hit the ball into the green.

Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus, he too...

Arugula is probably my favorite.

of all the field greens named for the sound of an old-timey car horn.

The members of the newly-formed Justice League were introducing themselves to each other.

S: “I’m Superman; I can fly, move at super speed, and have super strength.”

B: “I’m Batman; I’m the world’s greatest detective, master of many martial arts, and have gadgets that can do almost anything.”

GL: “I’m Green Lantern; my emerald bling can create constructs of anything I can i...

Why was the color green notoriously single?

It was always so jaded.

A guy with a mask and a green jacket walks into a creperie

The waiter knows something crepe-y is about to unfold.

A QAnon conspiracy theorist, a racist, and an anti-Semite walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "What'll you have, Congresswoman Greene?"

What do you call a 300 pound Green Bay Packer fan?

Anorexic

I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I?

Ugly.

I've got one green ball in one hand and another green ball in the other.

This is one unhappy Leprechaun.

The man who kidnapped me was named Dave Green.

But everyone keeps calling him Mike Aptor.

remember when shrek used his giant green hands to take the helmet off of his giant green head

and fiona was shocked he turned out to be an ogre

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