I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

What is green and fuzzy, and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A pool table.

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What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's Cock

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A woman goes to the doctor. “Doc! I have two green spots on my inner thighs. And they’re growing”

The doctor examines her but can’t figure out why the two green spots inside her thighs exist or why they’re slowly getting larger.

The doctor is dumbfounded and finally takes her sexual history.

“Are you in a sexual relationship?”

“Yes doc. With my boyfriend.”

“Tell m...

I was going to tell a green earth Joke

But its recycled

What’s green and has four legs and if it falls out a tree it’ll kill you?

A snooker table.

whats the difference between green bay and chicago

in chicago moosehead is a type of beer and in green bay it’s a felony.

Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than

Blue and Yellow combined

The red guy lives in the red house, the green guy lives in the green house, and the yellow guy lives in the yellow house. Which house does the orange guy live in?

The white house.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

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If you have a green ball in your right hand, and a green ball in your left hand, what do you have?

Shreks dick in you mouth

(OC)) If some impish scamps did a hip hop cover of the Booker T. and the M.G.'s song Green Onions...

...would they be Rap Scallions?

No matter how much you ask, I can't give you a guy in green shorts and a floppy hat

This sub doesn't allow for posting Links.

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

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What's the difference between red and green?

Nothing if you're a cyclist cunt.

There lived a man who was green

Oh everything about him was green but everything around him is normal.

One evening, he came home from work and decided to take a shower. Then he heard his doorbell ring. The green man then grabbed a towel, wrap it around his waist and went to see who was at his front door.

The green ...

When I close my eyes, I always see the color green.

Probably just a pigment of my imagination.

[NSFW]What's green and eats nuts?

Syphilis.

Roses are red, violets are green..

If you were on acid, you would know what I mean.

Two cows are in a green grass field when one says to the other-

"You know even though pi is usually written upto only two digits after the decimal point it is actually infinite."

The other cow replies,”moo.”

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An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret...

...are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories.

The army ranger pipes up by bragging, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."

Not to be out done by the ranger...

My teacher said to use the colors green, yellow, and pink in a sentence

The first student said "my favorite colors are green, yellow, and pink."

The second student said "The grass is green, the sun is yellow, and my shirt it pink."

Finally, a Mexican kid piped up and said "when my phone goes green green, I pink it up and say yellow."

Tomorrow we have to wake Green Day up.

When September ends.

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A seamen, an airmen, and a green beret, are stranded on an island...

and captured by a tribe of cannibals. The tribe ties them up and brings them in front of the chief. The chief explains to them, “We are going to eat you and skin you and use you to make our new canoes. We thank you for this gift and as a thank you we will allow you to choose the way you die.”
...

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What is green, but when you click a button it becomes red?

A frog in a blender

A math teacher is teaching his class in a green costume

Halloween was soon, so he and most of the school was dressed up.

He decided to dress up as The Flash, as he was a popular character among the students, but not knowing the character well, he ended up with a green version of the costume.

After a bit of mocking by the students, he began ...

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So a drug dealer is being raided..

The police storm in, securing all the rooms in the house. One kicks open the bathroom door and catches a guy standing next to the toilet with a baggie full of cocaine.

"Freeze, asshole!" The cop shouts, aiming his gun at the guy.

"Ok, ok. You got me" the guy says, "but you need to li...

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Is there any way to tell how your poop will come out? Runny or firm? Brown or green?

Or is it all by process of elimination?

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to m...

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I have a “Honk if you think I’m sexy bumper sticker” on the back of my truck...

I have to sit through red to green light changes to try and make myself feel better

Credit to u/Draiu

John got a job at the local prison. On his first day, he saw a large, muscular man cranking a shaft inside of his cell. He turned to one of his fellow guards and asked, “Who’s that guy?”, referring to the man cranking the shaft.

“That’s Khan Drea. He’s in here for life, but the warden decided...

What if Erik the Red had been Erik the Green?

Well... that would be a Norse of another colour.

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So this guy decides to take off work to go golfing.

So he's there on the Green, about to head his ball, when he hears, "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

He looks down and there's a little frog next to his foot. "What did you say, little frog?"

And the frog repeats. "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

So the man shrugs, figures what the hell, switches cl...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wron...

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact:

"Kris, Kris, can...

Did anyone call Green Day yesterday?

Someone was supposed to wake them up before September ended...

To whoever stole my neon green sneakers

You can run but you can't hide

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What do you have when you have two little green balls in you hand?

Kermit's undivided attention!

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The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

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Best pals, Frank and Paul, are out for a day of golf. On the third hole, Paul accidentally putts the ball into a field of buttercups. Determined to get the ball back onto the green, he demolishes half of the flowers in the process. As he raises his club to take another swing...POOF! Mother Nature

appears. "What have you done?!! As punishment for destroying my precious buttercups, you shall have no butter for your toast ever again. No butter for baked potatoes either. Actually, no. You shall have no butter for anything...for the rest of your life!" And then, POOF! She was gone.

In tota...

I was helping my grandpa fold some laundry yesterday and noticed something odd. On one shirt he had a silloutte of Sherlock Holmes, on another a picture of Harry Potter, on a third was printed an image of Frankenstein, and on a fourth, a girl who appeared to be Anne of Green Gables.

I asked my grandpa, "Are all these graphic shirts really yours?"

"Yes they are, " my grandpa replied sheepishly "I just can't resist buying novel tees."

I've bought an underwater craft in a bright green colour.

It's sublime!

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An American tourist is on holidays along the west of Ireland, tracing his roots, hiking the many hills and cliffs along the coast. Pausing to enjoy the breathtaking view, amongst all the green he notices a dirty old tractor putt-putt-putting along a country lane...

An American tourist is on holidays along the west of Ireland, tracing his roots, hiking the many hills and cliffs along the coast. Pausing to enjoy the breathtaking view, amongst all the green he notices a dirty old tractor putt-putt-putting along a country lane.

As it comes closer, he notice...

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The Hamstrung Limpet

Do you know what the hamstrung limpet is? Well let me tell ya...

One fine spring day, a boy on a playground had a burning question. It was a rather odd question, so he decided to confide in a fellow child
He walked up to a little girl on the playground, and asked her, “Do you know...

A priest goes out practice golfing and has an altar boy caddy for him.

Right off the first tee the priest immediately hooks the ball into a sand trap. He mutters, "God Dammit!!!" The shocked altar boy says, "Father! Isn't that blasphemy?" The priest says, "Awww I'm a priest, he'll forgive me."
On the second tee he hits a bad slice, the ball bounces off a tree and ...

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A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection.

After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment co...

I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane

It was my phyto-flight response

Traffic lights teach us that if you see a green man, you should start crossing the road.

So that's how I avoid environmentalists.

A green onion shouts "Yo, drop the beet!"

Quite the rapscallion.

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Why did the sexually frustrated martian tell the famous astro-physicist to cross the road?

DeGrasse looked greener on the other side.

Green curry and red curry had a race

It was a Thai.

What is green, and sings

Elvis Parsley

Heaven or Hell

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.



His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.



"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a pro...

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Multicolored hair

Once an old man saw a boy who had dyed his hair red, blue, green and many other colours.

Boy: Why do you keep staring, Sir? Haven't you done something crazy like this in your teenage?

Old Man: Yes, I've done a lot. Once in my teenage I fucked a peacock, so I doubted if you were my son.

What's green, sits in the corner and cries?

The Incredible Sulk

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The Golfer

A man and his wife his the links for some golf. On one of the holes the man hits a particularly bad drive, with his ball lying behind two trees relative to the green.

He's about to lay it up on the fairway when his wife, seeing what he's about to do, calls him a chicken-shit. He explains tha...

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A Green Beret walks into a Marine bar carrying a large snapping turtle under his arm...

All of the Marines go quiet.

The Green Beret sets the snapping turtle on the bar, pulls out his dick and taunts the turtle with it until it latches on.

He lifts the turtle off the bar with his dick, swings it around in a circle, spins it around, slams it back on to the bar and ...

Got my homework back and it's full of big green ticks.

Anyone know what bug spray will get rid of them?

COP: I saw you fly through that intersection

**Me:** The light was green.

**Flight attendant:** That’s not why he’s mad.

Doctor told me to eat more greens

Doctor: Well you should eat more greens
Me: ok

(Gets home)

Well time to dye all my burgers green

(Next check up)

Doctor: what the hell happened
Me: I went on a dye-it

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Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the b...

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For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

If you have one big green ball in one hand and one big green ball in another, what do you have?

The undivided attention of the Jolly Green Giant.

If you threw a green shoe into the Red sea, what would it become?

Wet.

Yesterday I saw aliens for the first time, they were tall and had blue skin with giant eyes. But what struck me the most is that they came in a green spaceship that had a rounded format

Turns out they do come in peas

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

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A woman goes to the store looking to buy vegetables

She walks up the the grocer and says "Excuse me, I would like to buy a pound of broccoli"

The grocer says "Oh I am sorry but we do mot have broccoli anymore. Can i interest you in some cabbage?"

The woman insists "No, I want a pound of broccoli"

The grocer says in a confused man...

What's green and difficult to see through?

What's green and difficult to see through?

>!Kermit the fog!<


What's green and runs?

>!Kermit the jog!<


What's green and written once a week?

>!Kermit the blog!<


What's green and made of wood?

>!Kermit the log!<
...

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Did you lose your virginity?

Mark: Actually, yes.

Chad: Really? With who?

Mark: You know that girl I dated last month? That curly long hair, green eyes, soft skin, amazing body?

Chad: Yeah, good jo...

Mark: Well, I fucked your sister.

Old Miss Green

An old lady in our neighborhood had been ill. My wife asked our daughter to go and see how old Miss Green was this morning. Donna returned quickly. “Miss Green said it was none of your business how old she is!”

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. Y...

Turns out my wife has a bit of a green thumb

And I need to go to the hospital

The new Director of Public Transportation is obsessed with "green" fuels.

He's made all the buses run on thyme.

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A Vegan King is fed up of all the greens he has eaten so far

So he decrees that anyone who can introduce a new fruit or vegetable to him will be given 1,000 gold coins. However, if they bring up a fruit or vegetable that the king is familiar with, the same produce will be shoved up their butthole.

Excited for the prize, the common folk form a line outs...

A 22 year old man is searching for himself after college

He decides to take a trip around the world with the money he’s saved up over the years. After traveling through Europe, Asia, the Americas and Africa he lands himself in Egypt.

In Egypt he rents a jeep and sets off to explore the desert. However, he realizes that he is lost. He becomes exhaus...

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