What's big, green, and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

A pool table.

Why was green so exited?

Because Red blue Green

What’s green, sticky and smells of bacon.

Kermits fingers

Traffic lights teach us that if you see a green man, you should start crossing the road.

So that's how I avoid environmentalists.

Whats green and red and goes 50 MPH?

A frog in a blender

What is green, and sings

Elvis Parsley

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best pals, Frank and Paul, are out for a day of golf. On the third hole, Paul accidentally putts the ball into a field of buttercups. Determined to get the ball back onto the green, he demolishes half of the flowers in the process. As he raises his club to take another swing...POOF! Mother Nature

appears. "What have you done?!! As punishment for destroying my precious buttercups, you shall have no butter for your toast ever again. No butter for baked potatoes either. Actually, no. You shall have no butter for anything...for the rest of your life!" And then, POOF! She was gone.

In tota...

A green onion shouts "Yo, drop the beet!"

Quite the rapscallion.

If you threw a green shoe into the Red sea, what would it become?

Wet.

What’s green and smells like pork?

Kermit the frogs fist

Got my homework back and it's full of big green ticks.

Anyone know what bug spray will get rid of them?

Yesterday I saw aliens for the first time, they were tall and had blue skin with giant eyes. But what struck me the most is that they came in a green spaceship that had a rounded format

Turns out they do come in peas

If you have one big green ball in one hand and one big green ball in another, what do you have?

The undivided attention of the Jolly Green Giant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Green Beret walks into a Marine bar carrying a large snapping turtle under his arm...

All of the Marines go quiet.

The Green Beret sets the snapping turtle on the bar, pulls out his dick and taunts the turtle with it until it latches on.

He lifts the turtle off the bar with his dick, swings it around in a circle, spins it around, slams it back on to the bar and ...

Old Miss Green

An old lady in our neighborhood had been ill. My wife asked our daughter to go and see how old Miss Green was this morning. Donna returned quickly. “Miss Green said it was none of your business how old she is!”

Doctor told me to eat more greens

Doctor: Well you should eat more greens
Me: ok

(Gets home)

Well time to dye all my burgers green

(Next check up)

Doctor: what the hell happened
Me: I went on a dye-it

I love driving through consecutive green lights

It really keeps me going.

What's green, sits in the corner and cries?

The Incredible Sulk

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the b...

The new Director of Public Transportation is obsessed with "green" fuels.

He's made all the buses run on thyme.

Turns out my wife has a bit of a green thumb

And I need to go to the hospital

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An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret...

...are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories.

The army ranger pipes up by bragging, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."

Not to be out done by the ranger...

What do you have when you’re holding two green balls?

Kermit’s undivided attention

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf at a club famous for it's floating green.

When approaching the tee box Moses reminds Jesus that he never makes the green and he should just lay it up for the easy chip. Jesus replies, "Arnold Palmer drives this green, so can I."

Sure enough, plop in the water goes Jesus's ball. Moses being nice, parts the water and retrieves the bal...

What’s green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Vegan King is fed up of all the greens he has eaten so far

So he decrees that anyone who can introduce a new fruit or vegetable to him will be given 1,000 gold coins. However, if they bring up a fruit or vegetable that the king is familiar with, the same produce will be shoved up their butthole.

Excited for the prize, the common folk form a line outs...

What do you call a green onion with mad rhyme skills?

A Rapscallion

Whats the difference between a green pea and a chickpea?

I would not pay $500 for a green pea on my face

What do you call a bird without a green card?

An illeagle

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

What's green and eats nuts?

Syphilis

What's green and difficult to see through?

What's green and difficult to see through?

>!Kermit the fog!<


What's green and runs?

>!Kermit the jog!<


What's green and written once a week?

>!Kermit the blog!<


What's green and made of wood?

>!Kermit the log!<
...

A blue House is made of blue bricks, a pink house is made of pink bricks, a yellow house is made of yellow bricks. What is a green house made of?

Glass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair.

After a few moments, the young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son..."

Whenever I meet a new girl things go great until they find out about my lettuce fetish. I like to stroke and kiss and cuddle those beautiful leafy heads of green.

Every time when they find out they refuse to join in and then they leave.

I guess I’m fated to forever romaine alone.

What’s green, hangs in a tree and shouts: I am an apple! I am an apple!

A crazy pear!

Green is definitely my favorite color

I like it far more than blue and yellow combined

What is Green Arrow's superpower?

He can turn left whenever he wants.

You know what's green and tastes like blue paint?

Green paint.

What is green and races out of your nose at 200 MPH?

A Lambooghini!

What is green and broken ?

A crooked-ile.

What Do You Call a Green Camel In a Forest?

Camelflage.

What's green and only appears once every 76 years?

Halley's Kermit.

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

Whats green and gets smoked in bowls?

Notre Dame

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’

He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it common?” I asked.

“It’s not unusual” he replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's green, 2 miles long and has an asshole every couple of feet?

St. Patrick's day parade in Dublin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between red and green?

Fuck all apparently if you’re on a bike

What’s green and comes in April?

Donatello

Why don't anarchists drink green tea?

Because it helps fight free radicals.

The green new deal is actually a national security bill.

With out any airplanes there will be no more hijackings.

What's a white supremacist's favorite leafy green?

K-K-Kale

Mr Green lives in The Green House. Mr Blue lives in The Blue House. Mrs Pink lives in The Pink House. Who lives in The White House?

Mr Orange.

Why can’t you play uno with Mexicans?

They’ll steal all the green cards...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have a green ball in your left hand and another green ball in your right what do you have?

The Hulk’s cock in your mouth

Hillary, Donald Trump, and Barack Obama were waiting in the green room before a banquet with the movers and shakers of DC...

Suddenly a heavenly chorus of angels sang, and God appeared to the trio.

In a booming voice God said, “Each of you may ask one question, and I will answer it.”

Obama asked, “Will there ever be another black president?”

God replied, “Yes. But not during your lifetime.”

Tru...

What's green and slippery?

Two adjectives.

My kids love The Hulk so I painted myself green for my son’s birthday party.

Man were they excited to meet Shrek.

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