What's green, sits in the corner and cries?

The Incredible Sulk

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

What’s green, fuzzy, has 4 legs and can kill you if it falls out a tree?

A pool table

What do you have when you’re holding two green balls?

Kermit’s undivided attention

What’s green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

Whenever I meet a new girl things go great until they find out about my lettuce fetish. I like to stroke and kiss and cuddle those beautiful leafy heads of green.

Every time when they find out they refuse to join in and then they leave.

I guess I’m fated to forever romaine alone.

PETA, in an attempt to improve its terrible public image, is launching a new, green plastic product line.

Everything is made from 100% recycled pet.

What's green and smells like bacon?

Kermit the frog's fingers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is green and gets red when you push a button?

A frog in the blender

What's green and eats nuts?


What’s green, hangs in a tree and shouts: I am an apple! I am an apple!

A crazy pear!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair.

After a few moments, the young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A truck driver working a long nightshift gets halted by a green man in the middle of a deserted road. The driver slams on his brakes an gets out of the truck

"What the fuck are you doing?!" He screams,
The green man replies:
"I'm from Mars motherfucker, I'm gay as fuck and I'm hungry, now give me some food or your ass will be sorry!"
Quite startled, the truck driver hands over his midnight snack and POOF the green man disappears into a ball of...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine, an Airforce Commando, a Navy Seal and a Green Beret are sitting around a camp fire, telling stories on how strong and tough they are……

**The Marine** said "I can jump out of a plane at 100 feet, without a parachute, break both legs and still run 10 miles"

**The Airforce Commando** said "I can jump out of a plane at 200 feet, no parachute, break my legs and arms, run for 20 miles and swim 5 miles"

**The Navy Seal** sai...

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

What's green and difficult to see through?

What's green and difficult to see through?

>!Kermit the fog!<

What's green and runs?

>!Kermit the jog!<

What's green and written once a week?

>!Kermit the blog!<

What's green and made of wood?

>!Kermit the log!<

What is Green Arrow's superpower?

He can turn left whenever he wants.

What do you call a green onion that spits rhymes?

A rapscallion

Green is definitely my favorite color

I like it far more than blue and yellow combined

You know what's green and tastes like blue paint?

Green paint.

What Do You Call a Green Camel In a Forest?


What is green and races out of your nose at 200 MPH?

A Lambooghini!

What is green and broken ?

A crooked-ile.

What's green and only appears once every 76 years?

Halley's Kermit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Green Persimmons

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.
Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something h...

What do you have if you've got a green ball in each hand?

The Hulk's undivided attention.

What’s green and smells like ham?

Kermit the Frog’s middle finger

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's green, 2 miles long and has an asshole every couple of feet?

St. Patrick's day parade in Dublin.

Why can’t you play uno with Mexicans?

They’ll steal all the green cards...

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’

He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it common?” I asked.

“It’s not unusual” he replied.

They always say “eat your greens” and “eat an orange”,

But try to eat one black and it’s ‘cannibalism’ and ‘a racial crime’!

This St. Patrick's Day, Julia Roberts has a new movie coming out. It's about a woman who fights to expose the toxic levels of green beer.

It's called Erin Go Bragh-kovich.

Why don't anarchists drink green tea?

Because it helps fight free radicals.

What’s green and comes in April?


Whats green and gets smoked in bowls?

Notre Dame

What's a white supremacist's favorite leafy green?


Hillary, Donald Trump, and Barack Obama were waiting in the green room before a banquet with the movers and shakers of DC...

Suddenly a heavenly chorus of angels sang, and God appeared to the trio.

In a booming voice God said, “Each of you may ask one question, and I will answer it.”

Obama asked, “Will there ever be another black president?”

God replied, “Yes. But not during your lifetime.”


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you have a green ball in your left hand and another green ball in your right what do you have?

The Hulk’s cock in your mouth

Mr Green lives in The Green House. Mr Blue lives in The Blue House. Mrs Pink lives in The Pink House. Who lives in The White House?

Mr Orange.

What has six legs, green fur, red balls, and can kill you if it drops on you from a tree?

A snooker table.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between red and green?

Fuck all apparently if you’re on a bike

What's green and slippery?

Two adjectives.

Green beans

Did you know that if you say "GULLIBLE" really slowly, it sounds like "GREEN BEANS"??

My kids love The Hulk so I painted myself green for my son’s birthday party.

Man were they excited to meet Shrek.

What’s the difference between and green bean and a chickpea

I’ve never paid 200 bucks to have a green bean on my face.

I noticed a gorgeous woman in a green dress.

But she wasn't interested. My green dress probably put her off.

A green grasshopper hops into a bar and orders a water.

The bartender is intrigued by his new customer and decides to spark conversation. He says "Did you know we serve a drink here that's named after you?"
The Green Grasshopper looks perplexed and says "You serve a drink called Steve?"

It's a shame The Beatles didn't make the submarine in that song green.

That would've been sublime.

I told my (blonde) sister this joke: "How do you confuse a blond? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her."

She replied, "I don't get it."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pussy Green

A man went to Confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
"Father it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Pussy Green last week."
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go and say three Hail Mary's.
Another man entered the confessional. "Father, it has ...

I went to doctors as i couldn't stop hearing green green grass of home ....

The doctor said 'I think you might have a touch of Tom Jones syndrome'

I asked 'Is it common?'

He said 'Well......it's not unusual'.

American car companies have announced they are going 100% green

Starting with the Ford Ficus

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's purple and green and sits on the porch at night crying?

She's my fucking girlfriend I'll paint her whatever colours I want.

These hot green peppers won’t stop with the personal questions.

It’s like they’re jalapeño business.

Damn girl are you the green fish from Spongebob season 2, episode 20: Sandy, Spongebob, and the Worm, at exactly 21:52?

Because I'm gonna eat that ass.

What's green and sings and dances fantastic?

Fred Asparagus. (I'm sorry, Holiday Inn was on TCM tonight.)

There’s a green man

Who lives in a green a house and one day he was having a shower,when he heard a knock on the door.
So he puts on a towel and walks to the door and when he gets to the door there’s a Girl Scout selling cookies.
“Would you like a cookie, sir “said the girl “of course let me get my “ said the gre...

Why did the green tomato lose the race

It couldn't ketchup

I hated eating my greens in school when I was a kid

They always tasted worse than the other crayons

There Once Was A Little Grren Man (Old)

There once was a little green man. One morning he woke up, got out of his little green bed and went to have a little green shower.
Half way through his little green shower, he's hears someone ringing the little green doorbell.
So he gets out of the little green shower and wraps himself in a li...

I wore neon green to a funeral.

It was a hue mistake.

I asked someone what their favorite band was, they said it was Green Day.

I replied, “you probably walk a lonely road then”.

The story of Mr. Green.

Mrs. Barker, Elementary school teacher,was telling her students a wonderful story. It was for the English lesson that Mrs. Barker improvised to keep her lessons engaging. This was one off her stories.

Once there was once a world where humans were either red, yellow or green.

One day ...


A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make ...

Fuzzy Green Booger

A woman walks into a pet store one day looking for a pet to buy.

The pet store owner walks up:
"Can I help you find anything?"

The woman replies:
"I'm looking for a companion."

Owner: "How about a dog?"

Woman: "I'm allergic to dogs."

Owner: "How about a cat?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy with bright blue, green and orange color hair was standing at a bus stop.

Few moments later along came Old Seymour, stood near him and kept staring at him hard.
Annoyed by the stares the guy asked him, "What's up old man! Never done something wild?"
To this Seymour replied, "Yeah,I fucked a chicken once and I'm wondering if you are my son."

I found out I was colorblind by watching Star Wars

I couldn't see the green screen