UPJOKE
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Ve Jokes

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died
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First golf joke I’ve heard less than 1,000,000 times.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant w...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve had sex nearly every day this week…

Nearly Monday, nearly Tuesday, nearly Wednesday, nearly Thursday…..

I¨ve lost 20% of my couch

ouch
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke I’ve ever read on Reddit, one of the first I’ve ever read here too: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...
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I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!

I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.
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I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.
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You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....

Times new ramen!
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I’ve always believed that a good speech is like a girls mini skirt…

... Short enough to get everyone's attention and long enough to cover the most important bits!!
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I’ve done some terrible things for money.

Like getting up early to go to work. ‬
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A man goes running into a clinic shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor! You’ve got to help me! I’ve been stung by a bee!” The doctor says reassuringly, "Don’t worry, I’ll put some cream on it.”

“You’ll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

“No, you don’t understand.” answers the doctor. “I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

“Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house.”

“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated. “I mean, where on...
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My wife came home and said “I’ve been selling my body for money today and I’ve made £300 and 50p”, I said who the hell gave you 50p.

She said “all of them”.
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I’ve asked thousands of people what LGBTQ+ stands for.

Nobody has given me a straight answer.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well. Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the ma...

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.
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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me.

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

I’ve decided to launch a brand new dating app exclusively for Palaeontologists……..

I’m going to call it ‘Carbon Dating’
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says:
.

.

.


.

.

.

.


“You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
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We should’ve known communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.
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Steve Jobs would’ve been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.
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I’ve fought Medusa before.

At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.
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Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen...

Drat! I meant to post this somewhere else!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me, “I’ve got great news. My wife is pregnant.”

Me: Excellent. Do you know the sex?

Him: Of course we know “the sex”. How else would she get pregnant?

If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years

We’re trying a new technique.

We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through

PLEASE WAKE UP
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“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”
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In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently

It means a lot to them
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Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I’ve ever got?

It was great

If Hillary Clinton won she would’ve been the first F president.

I didn’t say female because someone deleted the emale.
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A Covid test nurse asked me if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste.

I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."
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That’s a nice ham you’ve got there...

It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end...
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I’ve just joined the Flat Earth Society.

We have members around the globe. (credit https://thejokecafe.com )
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I’ve been a follower of r/jokes for a long time so here are some of my favorite ones:

One, uno, eins, un.
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I’ve just arrived at my first premature ejaculation support class!

Had no idea what to wear, so I’ve come in my shorts.

I’ve met a fairy once and it granted me a choice; to have a big p*nis or a good memory…

I don’t remember what did i choose though
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I asked my Wife “Am I the only one you’ve been with?”

“Yes... but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied.
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As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.
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If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...

Does money even matter?
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My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I’ve slept with.

“Eleven,” I replied.


“Wow! You must be a player,” she laughed.


“No,” I said, “I’m their coach.”
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Whenever I tell a girl I’ve never been blown to orgasm, they often want to suck my dick just to prove me wrong.

Unfortunately they never succeed.

Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.
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As I get older I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way I think to myself,

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.
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I’ve had three orgasms today.

The next one is forthcoming.

I’ve figured out where all the dad jokes are stored.

In a dad-a-base.
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My girlfriend hasn’t made a single joke in the 10 years we’ve been together…

We're in a very serious relationship...
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I’ve been bored recently so I have decided to take up fencing.

The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.
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Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.
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Once you’ve seen one shopping center......

You’ve seen the mall.
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I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down...
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I’ve always liked the word “butthole”.

It just has a certain ring to it.

I’ve been trying really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend.

Every time I tell her I can’t see her any more, she moves a bit closer to me says "How about now, is that any better?"
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I’ve been searching for my ex wife’s killer for the past two years.

No one is willing to do it.
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A scientist walks into an AA meeting. “I’ve just invented a cure for alcoholism! Take one of these pills and you’ll never be a problem drinker again!”

An attendee replies: “What happens if you take two?”
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Taking my mother-in-law off her life support was one of the hardest things I’ve done.

I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.
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My wife knows I’ve been cheating.

She found the letters that I’ve been hiding around the house.

She says she is upset. She says she is angry. She feels disappointed, let down an hurt.

She’s lost trust and doesn’t know how we can get past it.

Worst of all though, she says she doesn’t know if she can ever play Sc...
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I’ve decided to sell my hoover…

well it was just collecting dust.
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My wife asked me if I’ve ever peed in the shower.

Me: Yes, twice, accidentally.

Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower?

Me: Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.

I’ve been told that I’m indecisive.

Maybe I am, maybe I’m not.
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I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been to chernobyl

Fourteen
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I rely on hotels so much I’ve actually become quite

Inn-dependent
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I’ve never been fond of making tunnels.

It’s just boring.
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I’ve been trying to talk my girlfriend into period sex

But she really isn’t budging on wearing a corset and talking dirty in Shakespearean English

I’ve always been taught to embrace my mistakes

It’s why I hug my kids each night before bed
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I’ve recently started eating only escargots and abalones.

I’ve been trying to avoid fast food.
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I’ve started investing in stocks; beef, chicken and vegetable.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve created a new cocktail called “Conception”

To make it, I just add cum in cider.

I’ve always wanted to create a new font.

The descenders would be little link sausages. They’d be the serifs of knotting ham.
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I’ve lost seven pounds this week…

or, as my girlfriend calls it, ‘the baby’.
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Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news - you’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”
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I’ve Started My South American Emo Band

I’m calling it Hispanic! at the Disco.
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I’ve been called a pervert. I’ve been banned from the mall. I’ve even gotten a few restraining orders, but I won’t let that stop me.

Come hell or high water, I’m gonna figure out Victoria’s Secret.
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“I’ve spent so long trying to think of a synonym for ‘ambitious’ that I’ve given myself a headache.”

“Aspiring?”

“No thanks, I’ll just get some fresh air, that’ll clear it up.”
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I’ve heard that icy is the easiest word to spell

Looking at it now, I see why.
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Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.

I’ve been working on it tirelessly.
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I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happen…

I can feel it…
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A doctor walked in to see a patient. “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

The patient say, “What’s the good news?”

Doctor, “They’re going to name a disease after you.”
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Dear, dad. I’ve decided to leave with Stacy to grow marijuana...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...
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At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”
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I’ve very recently started a company selling trampolines in Prague…

My first Czech bounced.
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I think I’ve developed a phobia of German sausages

I keep on fearing the wurst
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I went to the doctors because I’ve suddenly acquired a fear of flying

The thinks it could be a terminal illness
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Told my folks I’ve got a dental appt today…

Dad asked if it was at two:thirty
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Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it...
...to make hens meet.
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After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
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I’ve got a disease that keeps transforming me into capital cities…..

It’s starting to Hanoi me now.
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I’ve never experienced post-nut clarity.

Maybe I should switch from pecans to pistachios.
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I’ve never killed a mountain lion

but I choked a cougar once.
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You’ve got to hand it to blind prostitutes...

....no seriously, you’ve got to.

If Shrek had been an average movie, it would’ve been

Mediogre
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I’ve got all these plane crash jokes…

…they just never seem to land.
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Dear Charlie, We’ve been neighbors for 6 tumultuous years.

When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces.

When I was sick, you blasted Metallica.

And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed.

I could go on, but I’m not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire.

Co...
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I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

I’ve been collecting badgers

I’ve nearly got a full sett.
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I’ve been wondering why no one gets the jokes I write

Then I looked down at my pencil and realized I didn’t really have a point.
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We’ve had a breakthrough!

A tortoise makes an appointment with his therapist

“How’s everything going?”, she asks him.

“Oh, you know, same old… can’t get laid to save my life. My mom’s crazy, she says I’m a shut-in, that I should get out more. But I know these fake turtle bitches are all full of plastic, they e...

My wife asked me if I’ve seen the dog bowl…

I told her I didn’t know it did.
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I’ve ordered a chicken and an egg online

I’ll let you know which one came first
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I’ve dedicated my life to find my wife’s murderer.

If you can recommend someone, let me know.
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I’ve decided to make it easy on Santa this year.

Only thing I’m asking for is one of the women on his naughty list.
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Girl: “Daddy, I’m sorry I’ve been a bad girl”

Priest: “For the last time, it’s ‘forgive me Father, for I have sinned’.”
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It could’ve been worse.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
"Not so good," says Harry.
"Why, what happened?" James queries.
"Well," Harry say...
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Know why you’ve never seen an elephant hiding in a tree?

Because they’re good at it
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I’ve got constipation

I couldn’t give a shit.

Ever since me and my ex broken up I’ve been calling her the bull…

She’s been chasing red flags non stop
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I’ve been working on a Scandinavian joke.

It would be Swede if I could Finnish it, but right now there’s just Norway.
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I’ve been working for an orthodontist on a freelance basis…

… but now they’ve put me on a retainer.
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My doctor told me I’ve got Athlete’s foot.…

…. I reckon if I can find another one I’ll go for the Olympics.
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I’ve recently been asking people what LGBTQ means

No ones been able to give me a straight answer yet
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Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.

Guy: How rare?

Doc: Really rare.

Guy: What’s it called?

Doc: You choose.
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I’ve heard that since Covid has so many variants they’ve decided to rename it.

To Skyrim.
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I’ve got an allergy to Pine, Fir, and Cedar. …

All I want for Xmas is Yew.
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What’s the most underrated joke you’ve heard in a movie?

Mine is from The Hangover:

Alan: I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.

Phil: How'd he die?

Alan: World War II.

Phil: Died in battle?

Alan: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World Wa...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve been dating twins.

It’s hard to tell them apart sometimes. Susie has blonde hair, while Mike has a dick.

An Eskimos car breaks down and a man from New Zealand pulls over to help him out. He has a look under the bonnet and says “looks like you’ve blown a seal” the Eskimo replies

“So what you f**k sheep”
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I’ve been thinking of selling my theremin

I haven’t touched it in years
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Once you’ve seen a thousand stores under one roof…

You’ve seen theMall
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I’ve lived with a mental illness for 5 years.

I’m now single.
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I’ve failed my electricians exam 3 times. I’ve decided to try meditation to see if that helps.

Ohmmmmm
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I’ve been clean for 237 days

Today I feel too lazy to take a shower.
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I bought a world map for my room, I’m gonna put a pin on everywhere that i’ve travelled…

… but first I gotta travel to the top 2 corners of the map so it won’t fall down.


(Mitch Hedberg 2003)
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“Boss, I’ve got a probl..”

Boss: There’s no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities.

Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.
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I’ve never been a fan of beards…

but they’re growing on me.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve been putting mouthwash in my ass, recently…

My girlfriend was concerned about my anal cavity

I’ve just bought a pig!

One afternoon, two friends who lived in the same town were chatting.
“**I’ve just bought a pig**,” said the first.
“You are not kidding but where will you keep it?” “Your yard’s much too small for a pig!” said the second.
“**I am going to keep it under my bed**,” replied his friend. ...
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I’ve invented a new word!

Plagiarism
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I’ve discovered that alcohol contains female hormones

After drinking you can’t drive, you never stop talking and have to sit while peeing.
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I’ve lost my thesaurus.

I can’t find the words to describe how I feel
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I‘ve been practicing law for over ten years

I think i‘m ready for my first case now
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Pretty dark you’ve been warned

Why does Obama give his speeches behind bullet proof glass? I know he’s black and all but I doubt he’ll shoot anyone.
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I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.

And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
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I’ve got a stepladder.

I never knew my real ladder.
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So there’s a man I’ve been seeing for the last couple months, and honestly, things aren’t going too badly.

Problem is, no one else can see him.
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What is the dumbest joke you’ve laughed at?

The Mirror.
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A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week ...

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the h...
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Have you heard they’ve banned accounting in Afghanistan??

Apparently there’s a Tally Ban.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

I wanted to buy a new car but I’ve read that there are a lot of counterfeits on the market nowadays

Guess I’ll just keep my Honda Prius then
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I know a couple for 20 years, and I’ve never seen them smile or laugh at each other.

They are …..in a very serious relationship.
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I’ve always wanted to visit Taiwan

Guess I have a Taipei personality
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I’ve been having a lot of difficulty sleeping recently, but I’ve started taking an absolute wonder drug…

It’s called MDMA, I still don’t sleep but now I feel great about it!
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There’s a lot we’ve discovered about the brain

But in reality it’s still a big gray area
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I’ve tried NoFap for the last week or so.

It’s been alright, but a lot of the time it’s really hard.
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I’ve decided not to tell you my joke about hymens.

Because it’s tearable.
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Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

... when suddenly they started to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my...
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My wife is the only one I’ve been with

Everyone else is a nine or a ten.

~Dan Mintz~
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Due to smugness I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream..

I can’t wait to rub it in…
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I’ve been thinking of stopping my procrastination

Maybe I’ll start tomorrow
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I’ve been watching a lot of Wild West films lately.

I can’t help but think a lot of conflict and bloodshed could have been avoided if the cowboy architects had just built the towns big enough for everyone.
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I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.
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I’ve always suspected my girlfriend was a ghost.

These suspicions started every since she walked through the door.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best joke I’ve ever seen

It was a rainy night, 7th of October 2009 if I recall correctly, I was in camp with my friend roasting 2 marshmellow bags we bought, beautiful sight of the river, he told me this one thing that’s stuck with me:

“Did you know too much sex can cause bad eyesight, bad hearing, inability to recei...

I’ve always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday...

But no one ever drowns
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I need some advice. I’ve just been offered 8 legs of venison for $50.

Is that two deer?
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I’ve been trying to paint my windows.

But instead I might just draw the curtains.
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