Case of a dead jackass

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying de...

How do you keep a jackass in suspense?

I’ll tell you tomorrow.

Hi! I'm Ben Franklin and this is Jackass!

\*Flies a kite in a thunder storm\*

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

My mechanic tried to scam me because he didn’t think I knew about cars

I took my car to get an oil change and they were like “would you like us to rotate your tires?” I was like “Ummm. I rotated them a bunch on the way over jackass!”

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Donkey Woman

A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.

The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies", I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass".

The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say'...

Marital Argument

A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of jackasses. The wife says "relatives of yours?" Husband says, "yep, in laws."

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I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel...

I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel. The Madame asked, "what can we do for you?"
I said, "I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me."
The Madame asked "You poor thing; whatever for? And why do you have a jackass and a honeycomb?"
"Well," I answered, "my woma...

A priest is preaching about the dangers of inebriation.

"Christians! If you put a bucket of water and a bucket of vodka in front of a donkey, which will he drink?"

"Water!"

"Correct! And why is that?"

"Because he's a jackass!"

this is pretty funny

Texan: "Where are you from?"

Harvard Graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end sentences with prepositions."

Texan: "Okay where are you from, jackass?"

Some Texans are mingling at the bar

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. "Howdy, stranger," one Texan says. "Where are you from?" The Oxford graduate answers, "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions." "Oh, I'm sorry," replies the Texan. "Where are you from, jackass?"

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

The jackass

Bob was working with John and Dave. John shouts over to Bob, "Hey Jackass, fill out that paperwork". A bit later, John shouts at Bob again, "Hey Jackass, bring me that file folder". Dave seeing that Bob was down at all the shouting went over to him and said "Why do you let John call you Jackass?"...

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Jackass

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hollers at the bartender "Hey Jackass...gimme a beer!"
The bartender obliges without comment.
After the patron downs his beer he hollers at the bartender again "Hey Jackass...gimme another beer".
Again, the bartender gets the guy another beer and say...

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Saw this joke on YouTube and originally disliked it, but I eventually came around to it. (I'll change it up a bit, though.)

There's this single dad with three kids. One day, the circus comes to town. The guy says, "Come on, kids. Let's go to the circus."

So they get there, and they sit in the front row. The elephants come out, the jugglers come out, and the clowns come out. One clown says in a funny voice, "Uh, ca...

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor...

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, "Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?"

"Sir," came the sneering reply, "at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition."

"Well, in that case, forgive me," said the visitor. "Permit me to rephr...

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My brother, the jackass, and the theoretical blind kid.

My brother came home from middle school one day and I could tell he was very upset. I asked him what was wrong. He told me that between classes he stopped in the restroom to take a piss and he set his brand new binder on the counter next to the sink before doing his business. Some asshole kid came i...

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Jackasses and Onions

What do you get when you cross a Donkey and an Onion???



You get a great piece of ASS that brings a tear to your eyes!!!!

What do a frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common?

Some jackass forgot to take it out in time.

A man with a monkey on his shoulder enters the bar.

While he's sipping his drink at the bar, the monkey jumps around to eat everything he finds. He jumps on a pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender shouts "did you see what monkey did?"
"No, what did he do?" the man asks.
"He swallowed my billiard ball!" says thr bartender. ...

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Traffic Cop

After spending an hour at the mall I was ready to head home, but as I exited into the parking lot I saw a police officer writing a ticket.


"Hey, what gives?!" I exclaimed, hoping for some kind of explanation.


Without saying a word, the officer pointed to the no parking sign abo...

An immigrant mother finally got her Visa to visit her adult son in America.

It's been years since they've seen each other, and after he joyfully picks her up at the airport, he brings her to his home, where his two children are playing.

"Oh," the mother says. "One child is black... and the other is red-haired." She paused. "They must be adopted... I thought you said ...

A burglar is breaking into a house when a voice quietly says: "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar gives a groan and looks around himself.

He sees a parrot in a cage, to whom the thief asks, "And what's your name?

"Moses", answers the parrot.

The burglar gives a smile at that. "What jackass calls his parrot Moses?" he asks.

To which the parrot replies: "The...

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A man is riding his donkey in the desert looking for treasure.

They go 5 miles, and pass an oasis, the donkey looks back, and the man goes,

“Just a little longer, Jackass.

They go 10 miles, and pass another oasis, the donkey looks back, and the man goes,

“Just a little longer, Jackass.”

They go 15 miles, and pass another oasis, the...

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Because of the coronavirus there’s a new drink people are ordering in bars.

It’s called, “global pandemic.”

What you do is, you drink a corona, then you go and buy all of the toilet paper in the world, like a jackass.

Sitting in a bar when ….

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears.
“Oh, come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t ...

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Barak Obama was touring the countryside...

... in his chauffeur-driven limo.

Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road, and they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Obama says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check, you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

...

True

You can lead a jackass to logic but you can't make them think.

If you laid all of the world's economists end-to-end they wouldn't reach a conclusion.

It is easier to tell a book by it's cover than without it.

If God meant for humans to fly He wouldn't have created so much traffi...

The other day, I decided to tie one on at the local bar.

No sooner than I sit down, when a big guy walks up to the bar, slapping it with his big, meaty paw, yells, "Hey Jackass! Get me another round of beers!"

Aghast, I watched the poor bartender slouch over to the tap, and pulled three perfect pints, which he deftly delivered without spilling a dr...

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Roses are red, violets are...

violet. That's why they fucking call them violets jackass.

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a Facebook group?

* 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
* 15 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
* 8 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
* 18 purists who use candles and are...

What 4 animals does a woman like to have in her house?

A tiger in bed

A mink in the closet

A jaguar in the garage

and a jackass to pay for it all

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[Long, but original] Two brothers are catching up over a drink...

The older brother Dave is successful, hard-working and married with a family, a dog and a cat. The younger brother Mike is a real nice guy, but he's kind of a fuck-up. Having been too busy to catch up for weeks, they decide to meet up at the local bar.

Dave says, "Man, I'm sorry we haven't ...

What a woman she'll make

You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make !

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "R...

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"Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."

Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."

Patient: "I just did, you fucking jackass!"

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Sticking up for his girl

A man is going out to a bar to have a nice relaxing night out with his lovely girlfriend. They sit down at the bar and each grab a beer.

After some time the mans girlfriend needs to excuse herself to go to the restroom. After a few minutes she comes back in an absolute rage. She turns to her...

A father is lying on his death bed...

A father is lying on his death bed with his three sons and wife surrounding him. He says to the first son, “Now that I’m passing I want you to take all the houses I have on the east side of Main Street.”

He points to the second son and says, “And you will have all the houses on the west side...

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So I decided to set up my new nativity scene, but I made it keep true to the american spirit.

...and thus removed all the jews, foreigners, africans, and the immigrants.

I had nothing but sheep and a jackass. So... it's definitely an American Nativity Scene.

A guy walks into a brothel with a donkey and a honeycomb

The brothel owner says "Why do you have an jackass? " Guy says, "I have a big farm, I want to trade it for some time with your girls."

Brothel owner says "Okay, why do you have a honeycomb?" Guy says "I have a lot of bees, was hoping to trade it for some food."

Brothel owner says "Why ...

A string walks into a bar...

The tender goes 'Jackass, we don't serve strings here.'
The string leaves the bar and twists and pulls and deforms himself, ruffles his hair a bit and struts back in, incognito.
The tender goes 'Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out?'
The string answers, 'Frayed knot.'

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Smart son

An illiterate father and his educated son who has a degree in Astrology went on a camping trip. They set up their tent and fell asleep. A few hours later the father wakes his son and asks:
"look to the sky and tell me what do you see son?"

s: "I see millions of stars."

f: "What does...

An American man walks into a bar...

An American man walks into a bar and grabs a seat. While ordering a pint, he can't help but overhear an obnoxiously loud but indiscernible conversation from three massively large ladies down the bar.

The man calls out to them,, "Hey babes, are you from Scotland?"

Quite rudely, one lad...

Two guys were walking down the street

Suddenly, A car comes outta nowhere and runs them over.

One of them died, and the other guy survived, so he gets up and starts complaining to the car's driver.
"What's wrong with you? learn to drive a car jackass"

the driver says "What are you complaining about? your friend here die...

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A couple had only been married for two weeks.

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pre...

The secret episode.

"Hi! This is Khalid al-Mihdhar... and this is Jackass!"

^^^I'm ^^^going ^^^to ^^^hell ^^^for ^^^this

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Just a joke my grandpa told me.

So Jimmy is in class and he walks up to the pencil sharpener and looks out the window. He sees two bowlegged gentlemen and yells, "Hey check out these two funny-looking assholes!" The teacher immediately scolds him and tells him to read two chapters of Shakespeare. The next day Jimmy sees the sam...

Lawyer

A lawyer gets in a car accident. He calls the cops. When they arrived they ask him what happened. He said "some jackass sped past me as I was opening the door to my Porsche; he hit it and tore it off!" Then the officer says "boy, you lawyers are all the same. So concerned about your Porsche, you d...

American political party symbols are spot on...

Trump is the elephant in the room, and the DNC is full of jackasses!

How I learned to mind my own business.

I walked passed a local insane asylum the other day and I could hear a bunch of people yelling, "Thirteen! Thirteen!" I started wondering what the hell they were doing.

About halfway down the wall, I saw a hole. My curiosity got the best of me. I bent down and looked through the hole with one...

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