The jackass

Bob was working with John and Dave. John shouts over to Bob, "Hey Jackass, fill out that paperwork". A bit later, John shouts at Bob again, "Hey Jackass, bring me that file folder". Dave seeing that Bob was down at all the shouting went over to him and said "Why do you let John call you Jackass?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tyrion once walked into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass

Madame: What can we do for you? Tyrion: I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me. Madame: Whatever for? And what's with the honeycomb and the mule? Tyrion: My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn...

A man is riding his donkey in the desert looking for treasure.

They go 5 miles, and pass an oasis, the donkey looks back, and the man goes,

“Just a little longer, Jackass.

They go 10 miles, and pass another oasis, the donkey looks back, and the man goes,

“Just a little longer, Jackass.”

They go 15 miles, and pass another oasis, the...

How do you keep a jackass in suspense?

I’ll tell you tomorrow.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My brother, the jackass, and the theoretical blind kid.

My brother came home from middle school one day and I could tell he was very upset. I asked him what was wrong. He told me that between classes he stopped in the restroom to take a piss and he set his brand new binder on the counter next to the sink before doing his business. Some asshole kid came i...

It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn...

After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work.

“It looks pretty good,” says the first one.

“Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, look at these three wise men. *Three wise men...

The Irish Priest

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring
day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of
his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jack...

A man with a monkey on his shoulder enters the bar.

While he's sipping his drink at the bar, the monkey jumps around to eat everything he finds. He jumps on a pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender shouts "did you see what monkey did?"
"No, what did he do?" the man asks.
"He swallowed my billiard ball!" says thr bartender. ...

What 4 animals does a woman like to have in her house?

A tiger in bed

A mink in the closet

A jaguar in the garage

and a jackass to pay for it all

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Roses are red, violets are...

violet. That's why they fucking call them violets jackass.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I decided to set up my new nativity scene, but I made it keep true to the american spirit.

...and thus removed all the jews, foreigners, africans, and the immigrants.

I had nothing but sheep and a jackass. So... it's definitely an American Nativity Scene.

The other day, I decided to tie one on at the local bar.

No sooner than I sit down, when a big guy walks up to the bar, slapping it with his big, meaty paw, yells, "Hey Jackass! Get me another round of beers!"

Aghast, I watched the poor bartender slouch over to the tap, and pulled three perfect pints, which he deftly delivered without spilling a dr...

Guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

Guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender says "Sure here you go." The bartender then turns to the second guy at the end of the bar and says, "You need another beer jackass?" The second guy says "Sure I'll take another." The first guy is confused but decided to ignore it.

&#x20...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Traffic Cop

After spending an hour at the mall I was ready to head home, but as I exited into the parking lot I saw a police officer writing a ticket.


"Hey, what gives?!" I exclaimed, hoping for some kind of explanation.


Without saying a word, the officer pointed to the no parking sign abo...

A Texan meets a Havard grad. Curious, he asks:

Texan: “Where are you from?”

Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

A father is lying on his death bed...

A father is lying on his death bed with his three sons and wife surrounding him. He says to the first son, “Now that I’m passing I want you to take all the houses I have on the east side of Main Street.”

He points to the second son and says, “And you will have all the houses on the west side...

An Oxford Graduate walks into a bar

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”

The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, ...

A Texan says to a Harvard student...

Texan: where are ya from?

Harvard Student: well, where *i'm* from, we don't end sentences with prepositions.

Texan: oh, alright. where are ya from, jackass?

I guy goes into a bar ... (old joke)

he sits down at the bar and orders a beer the only person in the bar was a old man at the end of the bar.

the bartender brings the guy the beer then asks the old man "hey jackass, you want another beer?" the old man just nods.

the first guy orders another beer and when he does the bart...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."

Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."

Patient: "I just did, you fucking jackass!"

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor...

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, "Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?"

"Sir," came the sneering reply, "at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition."

"Well, in that case, forgive me," said the visitor. "Permit me to rephr...

Sitting in a bar when ….

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears.
“Oh, come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long, but original] Two brothers are catching up over a drink...

The older brother Dave is successful, hard-working and married with a family, a dog and a cat. The younger brother Mike is a real nice guy, but he's kind of a fuck-up. Having been too busy to catch up for weeks, they decide to meet up at the local bar.

Dave says, "Man, I'm sorry we haven't ...

Lawyer

A lawyer gets in a car accident. He calls the cops. When they arrived they ask him what happened. He said "some jackass sped past me as I was opening the door to my Porsche; he hit it and tore it off!" Then the officer says "boy, you lawyers are all the same. So concerned about your Porsche, you d...

Barak Obama was touring the countryside...

... in his chauffeur-driven limo.

Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road, and they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Obama says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check, you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

...

Two guys were walking down the street

Suddenly, A car comes outta nowhere and runs them over.

One of them died, and the other guy survived, so he gets up and starts complaining to the car's driver.
"What's wrong with you? learn to drive a car jackass"

the driver says "What are you complaining about? your friend here die...

A guy walks into a brothel with a donkey and a honeycomb

The brothel owner says "Why do you have an jackass? " Guy says, "I have a big farm, I want to trade it for some time with your girls."

Brothel owner says "Okay, why do you have a honeycomb?" Guy says "I have a lot of bees, was hoping to trade it for some food."

Brothel owner says "Why ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple had only been married for two weeks.

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pre...

An American man walks into a bar...

An American man walks into a bar and grabs a seat. While ordering a pint, he can't help but overhear an obnoxiously loud but indiscernible conversation from three massively large ladies down the bar.

The man calls out to them,, "Hey babes, are you from Scotland?"

Quite rudely, one lad...

A string walks into a bar...

The tender goes 'Jackass, we don't serve strings here.'
The string leaves the bar and twists and pulls and deforms himself, ruffles his hair a bit and struts back in, incognito.
The tender goes 'Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out?'
The string answers, 'Frayed knot.'

The secret episode.

"Hi! This is Khalid al-Mihdhar... and this is Jackass!"

^^^I'm ^^^going ^^^to ^^^hell ^^^for ^^^this

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Smart son

An illiterate father and his educated son who has a degree in Astrology went on a camping trip. They set up their tent and fell asleep. A few hours later the father wakes his son and asks:
"look to the sky and tell me what do you see son?"

s: "I see millions of stars."

f: "What does...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sticking up for his girl

A man is going out to a bar to have a nice relaxing night out with his lovely girlfriend. They sit down at the bar and each grab a beer.

After some time the mans girlfriend needs to excuse herself to go to the restroom. After a few minutes she comes back in an absolute rage. She turns to her...

How I learned to mind my own business.

I walked passed a local insane asylum the other day and I could hear a bunch of people yelling, "Thirteen! Thirteen!" I started wondering what the hell they were doing.

About halfway down the wall, I saw a hole. My curiosity got the best of me. I bent down and looked through the hole with one...