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Vet Jokes

My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet..

No word yet....

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During the War, some German PoWs were working in a field in England when one of them called out to the guard.

By the bank of a nearby river a small boy was screaming for help. His dog had jumped in the river and couldn't get out. The German yelled "I go help, *ja*?". The guard gave him the okay and the German ran and jumped in the river.

In a few moments he had freed the dog from the weed it was tang...

A German tourist jumped into a freezing river to save my dog.

After he climbed out, he said. "Here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine."
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"


"Vet?" He said. "I'm bloody soaking."

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...

A man took his big dog to the vets for a check up. The vet checked the dog over, then picked him up, and said “yep, he’s got a cyst on his bum. I’m going to have to put him down”. The guy looked shell shocked “you’re putting him down because of a cyst!?”

“Err, no” said the vet “he’s really heavy”

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The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

Three dogs were waiting at the vets office.

Three dogs are sitting at the vets office, waiting for what they fear may be the worst.

The first dog says "I got out of the house and dug up all of the roses in my owner's yard, I'm afraid they've brought me here to be put down for all the trouble I've caused!"

The second dog says "Yo...

I saw a truck with a bumper sticker that said, “I’m a vet so I drive like an animal…

I then realized how many proctologists there are on the road.

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vets

He says: “I’ve come to talk wi’ thee about me cat.”

The vet replies: “is it a tom?”

The Yorkshireman says: “no, I’ve brought him here wi’ me.”

Dave was struggling with his parrot that was constantly using bad language, so he sought help from the vet.

“Every time the bird swears," said the vet, "Put it in the freezer for 15 seconds.”

Dave decided to follow the advice, and after trying it for the first time, found the parrot shivering and apologetic when he took it out of the freezer.

The bird said, "I'm sorry for all the bad langu...

Late call to the vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, r...

Mom and Dad go away on vacation

Mom called her son every day to see how everything is going at home.

Her son explains "Hi Mom, mostly fine here - but the cat died on Monday."

Mom was distraught: "How can you break news like this to me so nonchalantly!? Are you a psychopath??"

The son replies "I'm sorry Mom, I ...

Mooooooo

I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very...

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Three rottweilers at the vet

So Three Rottweilers are at the vet in the waiting room, to be seen. They are looking at each other with curiosity.

One finally talks to one of them and asks, what are you doing here?

The other explains to him, that he was lying quietly in the sun in the front garden when the postman ...

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet…

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

Sick

"Can you have a look at him," he says,
"I think he's cross-eyed".

So the vet picks up the dog and examines him.

"I'm going to have to put him down," says the vet.

"Why, just because he's cross eyed?"

"No," says...

I was out for a quick ride when a large bird of prey dropped dead right in front of me, throwing me clear off my bicycle.

Shocked, confused, and a little banged up, I decided to take the dead raptor to a vet. Autopsy revealed it had suffered from a myocardial infarction likely caused by severe hypertension.

As the vet put it, I’d fallen victim to an ill eagle arrest.

My 12 year old’s joke: I threw my mouse against the wall because it wasn’t working

Everyone at the vet’s office stared at me.

The farmer & the pig

A farmer took her prized pig to the vet. At the appointment she told the vet "For some reason, this pig won't mate!"

"That's unusual," the vet said. "he seems to be in fine health. I assume you're following all the usual steps"

"Of course" said the farmer- "but for some reason he just...

It’s really sad how my friend lost his medical license for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet

My cat is very fat

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet. "My cat is very fat,” she says. "Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him." The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears. Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I'm very sorry. I’m going to have to ...

A man walks by a homeless guy holding a sign that says "hungry and homeless, I was a vet! "

The homeless guy tells the man that he had lost his job due to the government screwing him for something he did during his service, so the man gives him some change and thanks him for his service.

As the man walks away the homeless guy yells "WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT DOCTOR-PATIENT RELATIONSHIPS ...

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Bull

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.

The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his ...

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Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

So my bird died

So I bought this Canary bird some time ago and it kept picking at my blinds which was costing me hundreds to continually replace.

I go to the vet and ask for advice.

The vet tells me to file off the birds beak ever so slightly, but that if I file it off too far it will not be able to p...

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation....

and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntl...

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There was a guy who had penis enlargement surgery.

His penis was so small that he went to speak to a doctor about it. “The doctor said, the vets have an old baby elephant trunco we would use for you? “ “ yes doctor, that’s amazing !” After a couple months he goes on a date and it’s going well until his trunk comes out his pants, and steals a brea...

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I got an internship for an insurance company.

My job was to review applications, I would receive a notification that a position was open, receive a stack of applications every day, and be expected to vet them and send the up the line for review.

My first day on the job my boss stepped to the desk I was working at, looked at my stack of a...

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Whats the first thing you do after sex?

Finish the autopsy while reminding myself that one moment of weakness does not make me a bad vet.

I took my dog to the Vet yesterday because he ate a Scrabble tiles.

The Vet took an x-ray and said that his next bowel movement could spell disaster.

How the Angel Came to be on Top of the Christmas Tree

There had been no snow during the entire month of November, and there
didn't appear to be coming any snow any time soon, either. The elves in
the bicycle department had been on strike since October, and there was the
possibility that the elves in the doll department might join them.
...

Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse,” said the farmer….

“You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster."

"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag' not 'feedback'."

A woman brought her hamster to the vet

A women brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

The woman doesn't believe it and request further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his had and leaves th...

Doctors

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor started to ask her the usual questions, about symptoms, when she interrupted him: “Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?” ...

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Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

I was nearly at the freeway entrance...

... when I suddenly remembered that since I had the SUV today, I was stuck with dropping our Great Dane off at the vets that morning. A screeching u-turn, more than a few rolling stops and made it back in record time. Bursting into the house, I tore from room to room, calling for the dog. Throwing ...

My cross-eyed bull

Did I ever tell you about the cross eyed bull I bought?
I couldn't put it in the shows, at least, that's what I thought.

but a friend comes out and says, “hold on pard’ let me have a look.
them eyes ain’t that bad. Call up a vet.  His number's in the book.”

Well I didn't have...

Schrodinger took his cat to the vet...

... The vet said, “I have good news and bad news.”

My cat is ill and the vet has suggested he might have drank sparkling soda water.

They say he's catatonic.

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A woman is walking her dog along the pier

When suddenly the dog slips and falls in to the rough sea below. Distraught, she begins to scream for help as the waves drag the dog deeper and deeper. Out of nowhere a German man dives in, brings it ashore, resuscitates it and the dog gets up as if nothing has happened. The woman, who is incredibly...

Conversation with a twist…

— How dare you sleep with her?!
—> She was naked! What else was I supposed to do?!
— The autopsy!
—> Don’t tell me what to do!
— You are the worst vet!

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

First day as a vet

Me: what seems to be the problem?
Cat: meow
Me: yes, but where

Man sends to his sister who lives abroad

"Your favorite cat died"
She replied: "WTF man, this took me by surprise, you should've prepared me for such tragic news"
-and how on earth would I do that?
-first you tell me the cat went outside to play, the next day you say the weather has been freezing these few days, I wo...

A cross-eyed dog

A man takes his dog to the vet.

'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. et.c.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to put him down.' <...

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I got fired for having sex with a patient.

I asked "Well, what was I to do? She was just lying there!"

My boss replied, "THE AUTOPSY. THE FUCKING AUTOPSY!"

On my way out they called me the worst vet they've ever known.

I saw an ill Raven on the side of the road, and took it to a vet.

After a few tests, the vet tells me that it has a viral infection, and to put on a mask.

Turns out it had Crowvid.

“Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.”

“Sorry, but I’m a vet, I specialize in horses.”

“Come on, please, it can’t be that big of a difference?”

“Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.”

asking a veterinarian for a favor

A veterinarian walks into a bar for an after work drink, when he is approached by Bert, one of his best clients. "Hey doc," Bert says sadly. "I need to make an appointment to bring my St. Bernard in tomorrow and have you cut off her tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible...

I knew my grandmother loved animals when she was younger.

She told me the story of how happy she was to have found a vet to date (Before she met my granddad of course. ) and even though he said he was from a foreign country, he looked like he was from here.

Anyway, after a few dates, she discovered, much to her disappointment, that he didn’t know an...

How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb? Do you know? No?

That's because YOU WEREN'T THERE MAN!!

In a small town near Dracholt, the only cow in the town stopped giving milk

After some research, the town folk learned that they could buy one in Aubin, another town near Dracholt, for cheap. The cow was wonderful. Everyone was happy as she produced lots of milk every day. They also got a bull to mate with the cow, so they'd never have to worry about cows or milk anymore....

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Guilty Doctor

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it....

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A man tells his friends his elbow hurts...

He says that nothing he's tried has worked, so his friend suggests that go to the pharmacy.

"They got this new machine! When you pour in a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and how to fix it!"

So, following his advice, he finds this machine and pours his urine sample in. Fi...

Best joke from Carson’s couch

Caller: Fluffy just died

Brother: what’s the matter with you!
You know I loved that cat.
You should have prepared me for it. Today you could have said Fluffy is on the roof and we can’t get her down. then tomorrow you could tell me she fell.
The next day you could say Fluffy is at ...

A lady brings her dog to the veterinarian due to itching.

The vet gives her a lotion to put on the dog, and tells her to get Nair to put on the affected area, thereby removing its hair in that area.
The lady goes to the store where a clerk takes her to the Nair. He advises her “if you put this on your legs, don’t wear panty hose for a few days”. The l...

A horse goes to the vet complaining about stomach pains.

After some tests, the vet confirms it's a parasite. He gives the horse a prescription and tells him to come back if the problem persists.

The horse looks at the prescription, and becomes visibly nervous. "A dewomer? Are you sure it's safe?"

"Positive," says the vet, "it's been tested o...

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The sheep Farmer

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but...

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I hurt my ass on the farm.

Couldn't decide whether to go to a vet or a proctologist.

Why wasn't the vet worried when I took my teenaged kangaroo in for an operation?

Because it was just roo teen surgery.

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A young lady takes her dog to the vet.

"Good morning, what can I help you with today?"

"My dog is constantly trying to hump me! Every time he sees me, he wants to go at it! Daytime, nighttime, doesn't matter, he's always horny!"

"Well, the usual remedy would be to castrate him."

"Gee, doc, that seems pretty harsh! ...

I was babysitting my brother's cat and he called to check on her

Me: She's dead

Brother: OMG, that's not how you break news to someone about a beloved pet!

Me: Then how?

Brother: You say: I am afraid I have some bad news. Your cat escaped, went outside, and started chasing a squirrel. The squirrel ran up onto the roof and the cat gave chase....

A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert

When they ran into a family of skunks. They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk. The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to t...

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