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Vet Jokes

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Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.

The vet said, “I have good news and bad news.”

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The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet..

No word yet....

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Three rottweilers at the vet

So Three Rottweilers are at the vet in the waiting room, to be seen. They are looking at each other with curiosity.

One finally talks to one of them and asks, what are you doing here?

The other explains to him, that he was lying quietly in the sun in the front garden when the postman ...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...

Three dogs are sitting at the vets office

Three dogs are sitting at the vets office, waiting for what they fear may be the worst.

The first dog says "I got out of the house and dug up all of the roses in my owner's yard, I'm afraid they've brought me here to be put down for all the trouble I've caused!"

The second dog says "Yo...

A man walks by a homeless guy holding a sign that says "hungry and homeless, I was a vet! "

The homeless guy tells the man that he had lost his job due to the government screwing him for something he did during his service, so the man gives him some change and thanks him for his service.

As the man walks away the homeless guy yells "WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT DOCTOR-PATIENT RELATIONSHIPS ...

Late call to the vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, r...

A woman brought her hamster to the vet

A women brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

The woman doesn't believe it and request further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his had and leaves th...

A man goes to a vet with a sick chihuahua

A man takes his sick chihuahua to the vet. They're immediately taken back to the room.

Soon, a labrador walks in, sniffs the chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and ...

A family takes their sick dog to the vet.

The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."

"Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."

The vet's office

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man,...

A man goes to the vet

A man goes to the vet with his dog, and says "there's something wrong, I can't get her to wake up!"

So the vet brings the man to the examination room, and puts a stethoscope to the dogs chest and mournfully says "I'm sorry sir, your dog is dead"

The main sobs and says "isn't there anyt...

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vets

He says: “I’ve come to talk wi’ thee about me cat.”

The vet replies: “is it a tom?”

The Yorkshireman says: “no, I’ve brought him here wi’ me.”

My Vet told me yesterday that dogs can’t possibly operate the MRI machine.

But Catscan.

I took my dog to the vet because he was losing hair on his head.

Apparently he's got male patting baldness.

I had to leave my cat at the vet for observation after she swallowed a bunch of dimes...

I called to see how she was doing and the vet said there was no change yet..

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Speaking of a big fat butt!

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.

"My cat is very fat,” she says.

"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."

The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.

Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I'm very sorr...

I took my goldfish to the vet.

“He’s having seizures.”

The vet responded, “He looks fine to me.”

“Sure,” I said, “but wait until I get him out of the bowl.”

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A German saved my drowning dog

A German tourist jumped in freezing water to save my little dog who was drowning.

When he climbed out and gave me my dog he said "here is ze dog keep him warm
¡and dry him off he vill be fine"

I said "are you a vet?"

He replied “vet?.. I'm fucking soaking"

First day as a vet

Me: what seems to be the problem?
Cat: meow
Me: yes, but where

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SHAGGY: What did the vet say you have?

SCOOBY DOO: Rabies.

SHAGGY: Zoinks. I didn’t even know you could get pregnant.

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Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

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A rottweiler, a poodle, and a german shepherd are sitting at the vet...

The German shepherd turns to the poodle. "So, why are you here?"

The poodle hangs his head. "My master left me in the house for a whole day, so I couldn't help it, I had to go on the floor! He's kind of a prick, so he's putting me down."

The two other dogs shake their heads. The poodl...

How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

You wouldn't know, man, you weren't there!

I took my dog to the Vet yesterday because he ate a Scrabble tiles.

The Vet took an x-ray and said that his next bowel movement could spell disaster.

Schrodinger takes his cat to the vet, for a checkup.

The vet comes back 10 minutes later and says,



"I have good news and bad news."

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A young lady takes her dog to the vet.

"Good morning, what can I help you with today?"

"My dog is constantly trying to hump me! Every time he sees me, he wants to go at it! Daytime, nighttime, doesn't matter, he's always horny!"

"Well, the usual remedy would be to castrate him."

"Gee, doc, that seems pretty harsh! ...

Christmas at the vet's office

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How was your weekend?" the bartender asks. "Expensive. The dog ate a bunch of Christmas ornaments off of the tree, so I had to take him to the vet," the guy says. "Vet says he has a bad case of tinselitus."

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Three dogs are waiting at the vet....

The first dog turns to the second dog and says, "What are you here for?" The second dog says, "Oh I'm a chewer. I chew on everything. Anything I can find I chew up completely." The first dog says, "Oh man you are getting neutered." The second dog says, "Oh no! This is terrible." Then says to the fir...

I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning.

I'm getting rather good at golf

Dave was struggling with his parrot that was constantly using bad language, so he sought help from the vet.

“Every time the bird swears," said the vet, "Put it in the freezer for 15 seconds.”

Dave decided to follow the advice, and after trying it for the first time, found the parrot shivering and apologetic when he took it out of the freezer.

The bird said, "I'm sorry for all the bad langu...

Farmer calls the vet

A farmer bought a new bull to service his heard, after the first day the bull wasn't doing his job so the farmer rang the vet.
The vet came and checked the bull over and gave the farmer pills to give the bull.
The following day the farmer gave the bull 6 pills and the bull took off across the ...

The Vet

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the
next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the...

A horse goes to the vet complaining about stomach pains.

After some tests, the vet confirms it's a parasite. He gives the horse a prescription and tells him to come back if the problem persists.

The horse looks at the prescription, and becomes visibly nervous. "A dewomer? Are you sure it's safe?"

"Positive," says the vet, "it's been tested o...

my grandpa was taking his dog to the vet.

Vet told him the dog was getting old. Then when asked how he felt about euthanasia my grandma simply replied “hard working bunch there”

What did the vet give the sick pig?

Oink-ment!

Why did Harry Potter bring his pig to the vet?

Because it had hog warts

A man took his big dog to the vets for a check up. The vet checked the dog over, then picked him up, and said “yep, he’s got a cyst on his bum. I’m going to have to put him down”. The guy looked shell shocked “you’re putting him down because of a cyst!?”

“Err, no” said the vet “he’s really heavy”

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead

Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
“There” says the vet,” Your hamster is dead”.
Still not ha...

A dog wakes up at the vet

The dog asks "Where am I?" The vet answers "At the vet, you have just been neutered!"

The dog replies angrily "fight me!"

"you don't have the balls"

This lady had a sick duck she took in to the vet.

This lady had a sick duck she took in to the vet to have it checked out. The vet looked at the duck and said, " Lady, your duck is dead."

"Oh no, this cannot be. Please isn't there something you can do. My duck cannot be dead," said the lady.

So the vet brought in a Labrador Retrieve...

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

The vet told me "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down."

"Oh God!" I said. "WHY?!"

"Because my arms are getting tired."

An RAF vet is giving a talk about the war...

An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.

"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took ou...

Why did the vet turn away the injured sea animal?

Do not accept if seal is broken.

A Yorkshireman and his dog go to the vet

The Yorkshireman says, "My dog's swallowed a condom." and the vet says, "You did the right thing bringing him here. Leave him and I'll keep him under observation. When he's passed it, I'll phone you."
The Yorkshireman leaves, and 10 minutes later the vet's phone rings. It's the Yorkshireman, who ...

My vet told me I'm spoiling my dog.

Not only am I over-feeding him, but apparently he can lick his own balls

A vet had an doctor appointment.

So he gets in doctor's office and sits down.

Doc: Tell me what's wrong.

Vet: You have it so easy don't you, Doc.

Was at the vet last week....

Was at the vet last week and struck up a conversation with an older gent sitting next to me. A few mins into our conversation a green snake pokes its head out of his pocket and says "Woof!"

I looked with shock and asked his "What was that?"

He says 'oh, it's my pet snake'

'What...

Took my chameleon to the vet cause he stopped changing colors.

Doctor says he has a reptile disfunction.

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A woman walked into a pet store.

After greeting the store owner, she strolled through the aisles, browsing through the various pets they had on sale. A bulldog with a 50% discount sticker plastered on the kennel containing it caught her eye. She beckoned the shop owner over.

"How much do you want for this little guy?" she a...

I saw an ill Raven on the side of the road, and took it to a vet.

After a few tests, the vet tells me that it has a viral infection, and to put on a mask.

Turns out it had Crowvid.

Paddy the Irishman took his goldfish to the vet...

... and says to the vet,
"Doctor, my goldfish is very sick! I think he may have epilepsy."

The vet has a quick look at the fish, and after a few seconds he says, "Well, Paddy, your fish looks fine."

Paddy then replies, "Oh wait Doc, I haven't taken him out of the tank yet!"

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Three dogs are at the vet

The first, a Jack Russell Terrier, says, ‟I kept humping everything in sight. The neighbor's cat, my mster's leg, the couch, you name it. Plus, I peed in the corners and chewed the mail every time it got delivered. So they're going to neuter me to see if it'll calm me down.”

The second, a mut...

The vet said she will put the dog down.

"But why?!" exclaimed the owner.

"Because he's heavy." explained the dogtor.


-taken from a cat calendar.

I took my dying pig to the vet

Imagine my surprise when he said he had cured it .. there’s a man who really knows his salt.

I went to the vet today and saw a baguette in a cage

It was bread in captivity

Lady brings a bunny into a vet's waiting room.

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fl...

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First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the a...

Why wasn't the vet worried when I took my teenaged kangaroo in for an operation?

Because it was just roo teen surgery.

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A farmer goes to the vet about his sheep

It's coming into lambing season, but the ewes aren't getting pregnant, and he doesn't know what to do. The vet suggests artificial insemination.



Our friend the farmer is a bit dim, and doesn't know what that means, and takes it that it falls on \*him\* to do the deed.

So that ...

Two men were washed ashore during WWI.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

A woman calls the vet about her horse...

when the vet diagnosis the horse he tells the women that the horse will need to be given 2 pills a day rectaly. He takes a straw shows the lady how and tells her to try with the second pill.
The lady flips the straw around and delivers the pill while the vet is staring at her she says... "I'm not...

Man: I took my dog to the vet today, because it bit my wife.

Friend : Did you have it put down?

Man: No. Of course not. I had it's teeth sharpened.

a vet asked his blonde assistant to go check the mail and she says

" what about the female ? Shouldn't I check it too?"

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During the War, some German PoWs were working in a field in England when one of them called out to the guard.

By the bank of a nearby river a small boy was screaming for help. His dog had jumped in the river and couldn't get out. The German yelled "I go help, *ja*?". The guard gave him the okay and the German ran and jumped in the river.

In a few moments he had freed the dog from the weed it was tang...

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Three Dogs Are Sitting in the Vet's Waiting Room

The dogs ask each other what they're in for.

The first dog sadly says, "I just can't help myself when it comes to the mailman. I just get so angry when he walks up to the door that I bit him. Now I'm being put to sleep."

The second dog says, "Oh no, that's terrible. I'm a barker myself...

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3 dogs at a vet

3 dogs were waiting at a vet clinic.

Dog1: I was a very naughty boy, I bit everyone I could and even the masters baby, I am here to be put down. What about you guys?

Dog2: Well I was a naughty boy as well, I just can't wait in one place, and I destroy everything in my masters house, I ...

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A military vet goes to the Post Office for a job interview.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

The guy replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK," says the interviewer, "Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," the guy says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer then says,...

I went to the vet to get the tails of both my dogs chopped off…

My mother in law is coming to town and I wanted her to know nobody was happy to see her.

Took my dog to the vet because he won’t stop barking

Turns out he’s got irritable bow-wow syndrome

A dog is at the vet getting neutered...

When he wakes up he realized what happened...

Dog: what did you do to me?

Vet: Just a simple operation.

Dog: I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!!!!

Vet: YOU AIN'T GOT THE BALLS!!!

I went to the vets....

I said to the woman, "This is Charlotte, my wife's dog, and she has pain in her legs."

"Do you keep her in a cage?"

"Yeah, but I'm here about the dog."

Lady brings Muffy to the Vet

Lady goes to the vet with Muffy, who has a large hairy growth emanating from her posterior.

"Doctor, can you do anything about that big hairy growth there?"

Vet says, "No problem, here's a prescription for some ointment, just rub it on the hairy growth and it'll be gone in no time at a...

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A woman is walking her dog along the pier

When suddenly the dog slips and falls in to the rough sea below. Distraught, she begins to scream for help as the waves drag the dog deeper and deeper. Out of nowhere a German man dives in, brings it ashore, resuscitates it and the dog gets up as if nothing has happened. The woman, who is incredibly...

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Once this Hick from West Virginia called the Vet because his horse's eyes were crossed.

He brought the Vet to the barn and showed him.

"You see?" said the Hick. "This is my fav'rit horse. I can't have him runnin' around with his eyes crossed like that!"

"I see," said the Vet. "That's an easy fix. Here, stand at the front of the horse and watch his eyes. When they go strai...

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Three dogs are at the vet...

First dog asks the second dog, "What you in here for?"

Second dog says, "When the mailman came, i jumped on him, and tore him up. So, I'm getting my nuts cut."

Second dog asks the first dog, "What you in here for?"

First dog says, "When the milkman came, I jumped on him, and to...

3 dogs at the vet.

First one says to the second "What are you in for?" He replies "I like to chase cars, but yesterday I caused an accident which killed someone, so they're going to put me down." Second dog asks the first "So what are you in for?" First replies. "I was at home the other day, sitting on the back porch ...

What do you call a vet that specializes in canines?

A dogtor.

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A man takes his cat to the vet....

Man: Doc, my cat has some 'stuff' coming out of 'back there' (waves hand over cat's rear end).

Vet: You mean the purulent discharge from your cat's vulva?

Man: Doc, I don't know those words. You gotta put it to me non-fancy terms, gimme the plain English.

Vet: What we have here...

I'm taking my cat into the vet....

He's getting a cat scan

Vets waiting room

Two dogs in a vets waiting room. 1st dog is old, grey around the muzzle has a bad limp and smells bad.

2nd dog, much younger, says to the old dog, '' Why are you here today '' Old dog replies, ''I am going to be put to sleep, i'm in very bad health, and my time has come''

Young dog...

I found out my vet was a communist.

They took my dog‘s means of reproduction.

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As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.





Edit: HOLY SHIT FRONT PAGE!!!! I'm so excited i almost cum in my pants! but i came in my dog instead :)

I was a big fan of Extreme Vetting

Then I found out it isn't a show about skydiving into the desert to perform dog surgery.

Reddit seems to have a hard time vetting their employees when a simple search would have been sufficient

Nevermind, they must have tried using Reddit search.

Two Women are at the Vet

Two women are sitting in the waiting room at the Vet. The first woman has a Great Dane and the second has a Chihuahua. The First woman wanting to make small talk asks the lady with the chihuahua “what brings you in here today?”

“This year was the first time I ever hosted Christmas for my fami...

A woman goes to the vet

A woman goes the the vet to get her dog looked at because it isn't hearing what she says. And he says "He has a lot of hair in his ears, that's why he doesn't respond" So he takes Nair and puts it on a Q-tip and rubs it on the insides of his ears, and the dog is fine. The vet says "If you do this ev...

Why could the vet not save the hyperactive goat?

Because the goat was bleating out too fast.

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According to the vet, our dog is addicted to masturbation.

I hope it doesn't rub off on our children.

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A woman took her horse to the vet...

"Very common" he said. "You'll need to give him two pills a day through a straw through the anus. I'll show you. ..... now you try."

The woman takes the straw flips it around and says "I'm not gonna take it from your mouth."


So stupid but my Nana told this at a holiday many years a...

I took my Labrador to the vets for a CAT scan...

Turns out she is a dog.

My wife got a new job at a vet clinic, and almost killed a dog her first day. (Oc)

But she’s getting better at euthanasia.

A vet, a banker and a barber walk into a bar.

After a few drinks the banker gloomily says:

“although business has been booming most of the funds have beent going to my cats medication, sadly Bartholomew got run over by a blue honda; i wish i could of seen the driver and give him what he desreves”

With the drinks opening them up t...

A guy had an eagle. One day it was sick. It puked everywhere and wouldn’t stop. Worried, the guy called the vet. Instead of the vet, the cops came and took it away.

Cos it was Ill-eagle.

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it weh us.".

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A butcher and a vet are having a bit of freaky time.

The vet says to the butcher: Could you tug me off, because you have experience with sausage.
The butcher agrees and then tugs the vet off.
The butcher then asks: I’ve tugged you off what do I get in return.
The vet says: well whatever you want
The butcher responds: erm, I heard you have ...

Two Dogs Are In The Vet

Two dogs are in the vet office, waiting to be seen. The first dog turns to the one to his left and asks, "what are you in for?"

The other dog looks at him sadly and says, "our neighbors got a really smoking hot poodle, so I jumped the fence and did her right then and there. I'm here to get ne...

A lady is sitting in the vet waiting room with her German Shepherd...

The man sitting next to her says, "that's a beautiful dog you have there. Is he sick?"

The lady says, "No not really. It's just that every time I get down on all fours to clean my floor, he mounts me from behind and starts to hump me."

The man says, "Oh, so you're going to have him n...

This guy takes his sick parrot to the vet...

The vet takes one look and says, "I'm afraid your parrot is dead."
"That's terrible," says the guy, "How can you so sure? I’d like a second opinion."
The Vet then opens the door and whistles. A Labrador bounds into the room, hops up onto the table, takes time sniffing at the parrot, looks up ...

So a blonde girl takes her goldfish to the vet...

...and she says to the veterinarian, "Hey, I think my goldfish has epilepsy; it has these awful seizures!"

The veterinarian takes one look at the fish and replies, "Well, it looks alright to me."

The blonde replies angrily, "Well Jesus, let me get it out of the bowl first!"

As a vet i dislike working with ducks

They keep calling me a quack

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A farmer takes his donkey to a vet

A farmer takes his donkey to a vet, as the donkey hasn't been keeping well. The vet gives some pills to the farmer and tells him.

"Take a hollow tube. Put two pills in the tube and blow the pills into the donkey's throat".

Next day, the farmer returns to the vet, all itchy and red blo...

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3 dogs meet at the vet...

There was 3 dogs at the vets and they got talking , one dog says to the other why are you here , he says ah I bark too much for my owner so she is going to put me to sleep and then says tell me why are you here and the second dog says , yeh pretty similar situation I chewed her red shoes so that's w...

A woman brings her severly ill bird into the vet.

The vet rushes her back to the examination room, but unfortunately the little bird passes on before he can do anything for it.

He tells the woman that her bird has died, but she refuses to believe him and demands that he run tests to verify the little guy's demise.

The vet goes into th...

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Dr. Seth had sex with one of his patients...

He felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Seth, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical prac...

Vets aren't doctors:

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?

Vet: I treat horses but maybe I can help?

Mom: My son broke his leg!

Vet: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck.

The Bull

"I recently spent thousands buying a young bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and
wouldn't even look at a cows. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the vet come and have a look at him.
He said the bull was very hea...

A woman calls the vet because her beloved dog isn’t moving.

The vet makes a house call and after a quick examination tells the woman her dog is going to die.



“Isn’t there anything you can do?” the woman pleads with the vet. He thinks it over, leaves the room, and returns with her cat. The cat sniffs the dog head to toe, looks him over, and sha...

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