UPJOKE
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My mom wrote this joke: What's the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

Now that I’ve gone back and listened to the 90s Fresh Prince theme song…

That track really slaps.

A lieutenant is freshly stationed in the middle of the desert.

When he first arrives he notices the men all caring for a camel. Bathing it, feeding it their best food, and treating it like a goddess. The lieutenant ask the sergeant why the men are taking such good care of the camel. The sergeant goes on to explain how if the men are ever feeling “lonely” they u...

What does Chris Rock have on his face right now?

Fresh prints!

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer.

Plus it’s fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

I am 110% sure that I am FAR from the first person to think of this joke, but I promise I came by it independently. What did Chris Rock have on his face when he left the Oscars?

Will Smith’s Fresh Prints.

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A young Spanish teacher, fresh out of college, is hired at a public school.

On her first day, the principal decides to observe, and sits down next to Little Johnny. She starts writing a sentence in Spanish on the board. As she does, a piece of chalk breaks and she bends down to pick it up. When she finishes writing her sentence, she asks, "Now, kids, who can translate this ...

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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

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Fresh broccoli

A man walks into a grocery store and looks around the produce section for a bit, finally he finds a worker in produce and asks: "hello, I'm looking for the broccoli." The worker frowns and replies back, "I'm sorry, sir, but broccoli is out of season and we don't currently have it in stock. Can we in...

I have an idea for a sitcom about a salt water fish and fresh water fish that start a family.

It’s called “Brackish”.

An Irishman was So drunk he couldn't stand up!

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands u...

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

The cost of forgetting fresh, hot tea...

...is steep.

Lawyer goes hunting

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I ...

A man walks into a bar wearing a nice shirt

The bartender tells him it's a nice shirt and asks where he got it.

"I got it from Joe Fresh," the man said. He grabbed a drink and went to sit down.

Another man comes in wearing some good looking pants. The bartender also amires those and asks where they came from.

"I got them ...

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Last day on the job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope....

How is the mafia more considerate than Amber Heard?

A freshly cut horse head would take a couple of days to stink up the place.

Andre 3000 went camping...

...as he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 90's musicians. Andre thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions...

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

A beautiful young woman is standing at the edge of a pier in New York City, debating jumping in and drowning herself

A sailor passing by sees her and yells, "Lady! Don't jump! I don't know what the problem is, but it's certainly nothing worth killing yourself over!"

She tells the sailor, "I've just been so depressed with my life. Nothing I try works and everything ends in failure. I don't see the point in g...

Fresh Paint

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down, and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear.

She becomes...

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A drunk is passed out in a local park, face down in the freshly cut grass. He finally comes to, staggers to the bar accross the street and goes in.

The bartender looks up and says, "Why the lawn face?"

Last night I watched a movie called "Fresh Meat".

I don't want to spoil it for you.

I just put on some fresh clothes...

I feel like a changed man!

When I was a teenager…

…I worked as a bag boy in a southern supermarket (Publix). As one of the busiest stores, we were chosen to test making fresh squeezed juice in the store at customers’ request. As a social person, this sounded like a pretty cool job so I asked my manager if I could get some shifts on the juice machin...

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

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Salesman’s promise

A salesman knocked at the door and a woman answers. The salesman barges in and scatters fresh horseshit all around the living room floor and the carpet.
The woman is shocked and her kids are amused.

The salesman confidently says, “Do not worry. I am selling this brand new extra power vacu...

How do you follow Will Smith in a Snow Storm?

You look for the Fresh Prints.

Groan. Whew.

Nurses ask the hard questions

I posted this as a comment in this sub, the OP suggested I give it its own post.

Back about 36 years ago, I was a young married man. Me & my wife decided I would get fixed. I had the surgery and everything went fine. I had to take a specimen to the doc for a sperm count to make sure the p...

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Somebody once told me a story…

…and today I’d like to share it with you:

Once upon a time, there was a farmer in Scotland. His name was William McKellen.

William had a faithful horse, named Star. She was his best friend out there in the Highlands.

Every morning, the two would go out to the grass fields. Far...

What's the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear?

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear confrontations, the Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and be alert for bears while in the field. …We advise that outdoorsmen wear small bells on their clothing so as not to startle b...

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On his way to work, a man noticed what appeared to be a fresh turd in his path. He crouched for a closer inspection.

It *looked* like shit. He put his face up to it and sniffed. It *smelled* like shit. He rubbed some of it between his fingers. It *felt* like shit. He put his finger to his tongue. I *tasted* like shit. "That's shit, no doubt," he proclaimed. "I'm not stepping on that," and walked around it instead.

I just came up with this, this community can always use fresh/not reposted material.

I accidentally knocked over a headstone while walking through a cemetery.

I’ve made a grave mistake.

9 out of 10 recommend

What’s the best way to get “fresh from the dentist” feeling every time you brush?



Only do it once a week

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders--such as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

*Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."*

*"Yes," answered the Rabbi.*

*"Well, Rabbi,...

The Shortcut

The shortest way from a pub towards the neighborhood was through a cemetery. One night, a man that was not that drunk, decides to take the shortcut but ends up falling into a freshly dug grave.

The grave was quite deep for him and the man lifted himself on the toes trying to feel the top edge...

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

A father was driving his son and son's girlfriend back home

After a while his dad got warm, so he opened the windows to have some fresh air blow inside the car.

He looked at the son and asked "is it blowing?"

"Nah, we're still kissing"

I was lucky to get sent to an all Vegetarian prison

They never toy with fresh meat.

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A couple of flies are feasting on a fresh piece of poop.

One of the flies rips a big fart.

The other fly yells "Come on man, I'm eating here!!"

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Valentines Day is on Monday

Funerals usually take place on Saturday and Sunday. After the burial the flowers will still be fresh. What you do with this information is up to you.

A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.

The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have bloody sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank...

A man walks into a Pub

A man enters a pub and sits down next to a woman. He orders himself a glass of champagne and the woman next to him responds: "How about that, I ordered a glass of champagne too." "What a coincidence," the man replies, "for me it's a special day and I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for...

What is it called when the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air tells a lie?

Will's myth.

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

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An Englishman, an American, and a Japanese are doing white water rafting...

...when all of a sudden, they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there. They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom... Suddenly a genie appears.

The genie explains that he is the spirit of the waterfall, and he is of limited power. He cannot prevent th...

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10 years is a long time.

One day, this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," He thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a small boat, even a raft.

Suddenly...

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Fresh married couple goes to a therapist

The husband was sitting there bored and the woman was angry at him.
The therapist saw that and asks the woman:


What seems to be the problem?


She says: I don't know, doctor. Since we got married he isn't paying attention to me. He doesn't even look at me. We haven't had sex i...

When I went to the park today, I saw an old man sitting on a park bench crying.

I asked him what was wrong.

He replied, "I have a beautiful 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning, and then gets up and makes me pancakes, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I asked, "Well then, why are you crying?"

He says, "She makes my favourite lunch...

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[Old Joke] Three explorers are lost in the desert and have run out of food....

Just when they're on the verge of giving up, though, they come across a freshly-dead camel.

"Thank goodness for that!" the first one exclaims. "We can eat this camel!"

"How should we divide it up?" asks the second.

"Well," the first one says, "I'm a Liverpool supporter, so I'll ...

I'm freshly amputated but can't remember the word for my condition

I'm stumped

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A blonde, a redhead and a brunette all live in the same apartment block and are in the lift together.

The brunette notices a very questionable and quite fresh semen stain on the wall of the lift.
"Look at that' she said. The redhead looks and says " Is that what I think it is? That's disgusting! Who would do such a thing?"
The blonde goes over to the stain, dabs her finger in it, tastes it and...

What's the best way to keep smelling fresh?

Put a dryer sheet in your face mask.

A fresh-out-of-the-uni teacher

A teacher fresh out of the university gets hired to teach a class of 2nd year kids. On the first day she decides to do a little experiment on the kids. She stands in front of the class and says, "Would all of you kids, who think they're stupid, please stand up." No one does except for little Johnny....

A vendor selling ice from a street cart has a sign that says “Ise Stand.” “Mr. vendor, you seem to have accidentally confused the ‘c’ in ‘ice’ for an ‘s.’” The vendor replies, “I’m certain you are mistaken!” The next day, the vendor’s freshly repainted sign reads:

“Ice Stand, Corrected”

A baton-twirling dancer walks into bar...

The bartender is delighted to see her.

"It's so good to see a fresh face It's so drab seeing the same lawyers and rabi's here! Like, can you get any more tired of the same setup?"

"I know!" replies the dancer, "I'm so sick of those overused..."

Just then, a horse walks into a ba...

A freshly minted U.S Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan

A freshly minted U.S. Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan. He walks around the base and sees everything is regulation except there’s a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

The lieutenant asks one of the men who has been there awhile why there’s a camel. The soldier e...

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(Long) Pope's Dinner

(First post here so I hope this one lands!)

A small Catholic church in Kalamazoo is going to be graced with the Pope's presence. To honor his visit, they decide it would be a good idea to cook him a nice fresh fish dinner. The Priest and the Bishop are out fishing for a while until the Bishop...

A new supermarket opened near my house.

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay....

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

Why do people in China smoke so much?

They need fresh air

How come the Fresh Prince was able to craft a sword?

He's a black Smith.

Retired British Army Officers

“Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”


“I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”


“I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village and armed with my rifle we set out...

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon Fresh.

I’ll let you know.

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Did you hear about The Incredible Hulk taking Viagra!?

NSFW:

I figure, since the same jokes are on repeat in this Reddit, again and again, I would throw out a freshly created one.

Apparently, now that the Hulk has been taking Viagra, his catch phrase has become:

"Don't make me horny. You wouldn't like me when I'm horny", whe...

It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona

Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out.

This will make sure that

a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth.

b) nobody will shake hands with you.

c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets.

d) You will wash your hands thor...

Police in Wales (UK) publish results of recent 'Anonymous Offensive Weapon Surrender' scheme.

Cardiff Central Library in which the amnesty took place last night, is already being celebrated as a 'Significant victory for the people of Wales, its safety and security going forward' by its Chief of Police.

Among the 200+ weapons collected in the haul comprised of:

120 knives and s...

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A guy was on vacation in Mexico and he went to see the bullfights.

When it was over he went to a nearby restaurant. The waiter recited the menu and then said, "Since today there was a bullfight, we also have fresh testicles on the menu if you'd like to try them."

The guy was always up for something new so he ordered them. They arrived and they were absolutel...

How do scientists keep their breath fresh?

Experamints

Two slices of bread are competing to see who would stay fresh the longest.

It ended in a stalemate.

There’s a market called Fresh Thyme so I went in for some fresh thyme but they were out. I told them they should change the name to Fresh Out. I went to a Staples for some staples-you guessed it: out. I said they should change the name to Paper Clips.

Being a little hungry still I headed for...the Apple Store.

Back in the days... (long)

Back in the days, on a beautiful spring day, a farmer had led his cow to a small stream next to a green, lush meadow. The animal happily guzzles some water, while the farmer milks her. Two engineers come hiking down the path that follows the stream.

"Excuse me, sir", says one, "what are you d...

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James and his giant peach

James was a delivery boy of amazing delicious fresh Indian food from one island to another. James loved peaches, the head chef told him to take a small peach and everyday he rowed out to the neighbouring island , for his good deed his peach would grow.
James on first day of work collected butter ...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

What did the fresh Coke say to the flat Sprite?

“Wow, you’re sodapressing.”

I found a recipe for Morrocan rolls online.

They looked good, so I figured I would make them. The recipe called for some fresh thyme, but mine was slightly expired. I figured it would still be good because it was only one week expired. It was good, so I figured I would get some fresh thyme the next time I was at the store. I made it with the...

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An angry man walked into a Taverna one evening, and yelled "I hate the Greeks!"

He looked around, at the light blue wall paper, with the white Grecian key pattern going around the top. He stared into the eyes of the bar tender, a strapping young lad with an olive complexion, rich black hair, a glorious unibrow, and piercing green eyes.

"Are you a Greek?" he asked, menaci...

How do you get fresh milk from a boat?

By pulling on it's rudder.

Three vampires are gathering in the middle of the night to compare their strength...

Says the first : See that woman over there? Wait... <wooshes away and comes back after 20 seconds, the mouth still dripping of fresh blood>. See - it only took me 20 seconds to completely empty that body!

Says the second : Not bad, but uh... see that village over there? Wait... <woos...

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

A man wanted a chicken of his own to lay fresh eggs for him. He went to a farm supply store that had chickens and tried to buy one, but he was denied because he wasn't a registered farmer. The clerk said, "Sorry sir. . ."

"No farm, no fowl."

What's the similarity between a fresh pair of shorts and a Bugatti bought by a shady businessman?

Both were laundered.

A police dispatcher is taking a call from the scene of a domestic disturbance...

Officer on scene: We're at 1120 Elm Street. A woman has just shot her husband for walking on her freshly mopped floor.

Dispatch: Have you apprehended the suspect?

Officer: Negative; the floor is still wet.

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

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Two guys are camping when...

Hello everybody. I am transalting this joke from my native language so
1 Sorry for any grammar error
2 I hope it s a new one for some of you

Two friends are camping in the mountains.
They are relaxing, walking into the nature, breathing fr...

Husband and wife are in bed and the husband starts in on the foreplay.

She stops him and says even though she wants to, she can't tonight. Why not asks the husband. Cause I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be nice and fresh.

Alright says the husband. He sits there for a moment and then says.

Well you ain't going to the den...

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Fresh from her shower, a woman stood naked in front of her mirror complaining to her husband.

"My breasts are too small", she lamented.

Instead of romantically telling her that this was not true, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper & rub it between
them for a few seconds, 3 times every day." Sk...

A old nun was telling a new nun what it will be like being a nun in South America. She was telling her about all the fresh fruit that they have. Then she said farther down south they have bananas this big |.........|

The new nun responded Father who?

With spring around the corner, Queen Elizabeth decided that the palace needed a bit of fresh air.

Unfortunately, Prince Phillip began wafting out of a second story window

I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices.

It was a Catcher in the Rye.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,

"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Teams always get fresh uniforms for the Super Bowl.

They come from New Jersey.

Nothing beats fresh, local, eggs!

Except for whisks.

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A fresh batch of military recruits come in and meets the drill sergeant

The sergeant looks at the men and says "I'll your all a bunch of yellow bellied pansies! Are ya!"

They all respond "Sir, no sir!"

"Really?" He responds and points to the end of the table they're standing next to.

At the end of the table, a giant alligator sits in a cage hissing ...

Two Mountain Dews are sitting on a counter. One Mountain Dew is almost empty and the other is fresh out the ice box

The fresh Mountain Dew looks to the old Mountain Dew and notices he looks upset. He asks “What’s wrong?”

The other drink responds “I can’t dew this anymore.”

Fishing

A young couple rents a cabin for a week on a lake for their honeymoon. As they arrive they are met by an older gentleman who shows them where the fresh sheets are and how to use the fireplace and such. He bids them well and drives off to his home on the other side of the lake.

A week later, a...

“I’ve spent so long trying to think of a synonym for ‘ambitious’ that I’ve given myself a headache.”

“Aspiring?”

“No thanks, I’ll just get some fresh air, that’ll clear it up.”

A waiter approaches a table of freshly-bobbed Karens.

"Good evening, ladies. Is *anything* alright?"

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A new soldier, fresh out of boot camp, is deployed to a remote base in Afghanistan.

After about a week, the young soldier is approached by his Staff Sergeant.

"Private, how is everything?" he asks.

"It's ok sir, it's just so desolate out here. Some of the guys have been deployed here for months... there's no women anywhere... what do they do.... you know, for women...

A woman is preparing a French dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his hou...

I saw fresh prints in the snow

Wonder what he was doing so far from Bel Air.

Why do dyslexic chess players have such fresh breath?

Because they're so good at finding Tic Tacs.

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

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A very rich man and a monk

(This is an old joke translated from bengali so forgive me for mistakes or reposts).


A very rich man had married a village girl and they were looking for a nice house.

Unable to find any apartment they went to visit a local monk of the village who was rumored to make wishes true o...

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A Marine Sergeant recently returned from Afghanistan attends his 10 year high school reunion

At the 10 year reunion for Lockwood High School class of 2010, Allison is getting a fresh drink when she runs into Jim. Jim was a bit awkward and quiet in high school, but now he's wearing a Marine sergeant's uniform, with a row of ribbons.

Allison strikes up a conversation and Jim has become...

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A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.

But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats...

Will Smith tied to recent murders to stand trial after damning evidence.

He left fresh prints everywhere

A man walks into his first session with a psychiatrist

His mood is almost as dark as the room, shades drawn almost fully closed with just enough light to cast shadows like a priest’s confessional stall. *Perfect*, he thinks, *this will be easier if he can’t see the tears welling in my eyes*.

He sits down and breathes a heavy sigh. The clock tick...

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Mild NSFW Long - A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern...

A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.  He is greated fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them then orders a drink of his own. A few drinks in now, his ear pick up three of the older farmers talking:


"You see this! Mary da...

One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

I stopped at the bank today and had them give me 500 fresh dollar bills.

Hey...It's cheaper than buying toilet paper...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local community was being to believe the new teacher was grooming their kids

They were pissed to find all baby goats in town with a perm and a fresh trim.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Fresh out of prison, this long time con tries out for a job playing at a piano bar...

So he plays a song for the bar owner who loves it. He gushes. “Incredible! You wrote that in prison?! What's the name of it?”


“I call that one “I smacked down the hooker who was sucking my cock!””


Taken back, the owner just gestures him on. “Play another!”


Again, a b...

A Soviet era joke about the value of hard work - Drink vodka, play cards

*This joke was told to me by a former colleague who was Russian, and had lived and worked under the Soviet system. He was a nuclear engineer there... and the only member of his team not sent to Chernobyl to help in the clean up. Anyway, like our hero of this story, I was fresh faced and a little hig...

I have have developed cat-like reflexes.

By which I mean an irresistible urge to curl up and nap on any freshly made bed.

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A man goes into a bar and orders for a beer. "Here's what you do, you give me a fresh new bottle each time I finish until I tell you to stop." he tells the bartender

The bartender sees nothing wrong with his request, and nods.

Immediately the man downs his beer, pulls out his wallet, looks at a picture, and downs another bottle. He does this routinely until he reaches 10 bottles at which he finally takes out money from his wallet, pays for the beers, and ...

Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.

I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."

What do freshly pregnant teenagers and their babies share?

They both think, ”Mom’s probably going to kill me”

Astronauts preparing for STS-134 lobbied NASA to include fresh apples on board the final flight of the shuttle, but were ultimately unsuccessful.

Needless to say, it was a fruitless Endeavour

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BECOMING IRISH

Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..


"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher,
"so from now on you will be known as Mick."

Mohammad returned hom...

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