UPJOKE
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I call my hand Handy and my foot Footy. What do I call my dick?

Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.

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I met up with this girl the other night that also has a foot fetish...

I met up with this girl the other night that also has a foot fetish. When she got to my place, she asked if we could just masturbate to some foot porn together instead of having sex. It wasn't what I had in mind, but I agreed anyway. At the end of it, both of us felt pretty disgusted by the whole th...

So this guy lost his right foot in an accident

Lucky for him, he got a great prosthetic, so nobody knew he's wearing a prosthetic foot.

Some years later he met a girl, but didn't tell her about his 'disability'. They got married and on wedding night, he took off his prosthetic foot to show his new bride.

Horrified, she straight cal...

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Moshe wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay. You’ll walk again and everything; however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

Moshe ...

I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.

She was lack-toes intolerant.

TIFU when I brought my pregnant wife home a meatball foot long instead of the teriyaki chicken she asked for

Whoops, wrong sub.

why don't foot fetishists ever win anything?

because they like the taste of defeat.

i'm not even sorry.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground

Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot

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I woke up at 3.00 am to see the ghostly spectre of Gloria Gaynor, standing at the foot of my bed

At first I was afraid...

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The first time I saw foot porn, I didn’t like it

So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot

When is a hand a foot?

When it is 12 inches long

If a man with a foot fetish cheats on his wife...

Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?

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Guy walks into a bar Sits at the bar and orders a drink. He pays with a $100 bill and refuses the change. Just when he's about to take a drink, this little guy - not even a foot tall - runs across the bar and knocks the drink out of his hand. The little guy jumps off the bar and disappears.

The bartender, really confused, pours him another drink. The guy pays him $100 and refuses the change again. Just as he's about to sip his drink, the little guy appears, knocks the drink to the floor and runs off again.

Now the bartender pours him another drink and asks him about the little g...

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank God I'm Canadian.

What kind of candy do you offer a woman with a foot fetish?

Mentos

What's a foot fetishist's favorite food?

Hot dogs.

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

Why does the foot fetishist keep losing his games?

Because he loves defeat

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Me and my friend have an amputee foot fetish.

I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."

What's about a foot long and slippery?

A slipper.

Foot Doctor

A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!" So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. The customer was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor.

The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?" "Yes, I want som...

I dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday....

It caused severe pain To-ma-toes.

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Dad given advice to his son "if you're hiking and a 9 foot grizzly rears up, you just"

"reach back, grab a handful of shit and throw it in the bear's eyes. Then run."





Son "Where do you get the shit from?"





"Trust me, it'll be there."

I answered my front door this morning and got punched in the face by a 5 foot tall beetle!

Obviously, there's a nasty bug going around…

Tickled my little sisters foot last night and mom went crazy about it…

Something about waiting until she’s born

What does Big Foot keep time with?

His sasqwatch

Why do Foot fetishists make terrible Olympians?

They love the taste of defeet.

I have a foot fetish...

I have tried using meters but it just doesn't work for me.

As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...

"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.

"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.

I can't believe it's not better.

I grew a whole foot the summer after 8th Grade!

Yeah the doctors were shocked, It took 3 surgeries to remove.

My sister trod on my foot…

My sister trod on my foot so hard that part of it split off and formed an exact replica of me.

‘My toe Sis!’ I yelled.

What's made of leather, is about a foot long and sounds like a sneeze?

A Shoe.

How did the foot fetishist cheat on his girlfriend?

He got off on the wrong foot.

Foot, Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot

There's a road, on one side is a beautiful green field and on the other side is a horrible muddy field with three sheep. The first sheep is named Foot, the second sheep is named Foot Foot and the third sheep is named Foot Foot Foot. One day Foot said to Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot "Bah, Foot Foot a...

Me and my lady, we're hand and foot...

You know, she hands me the bill and I foot it!

My wife begged me not to tell anyone about her foot fetish.

Well I’ve only gone and put my foot in it.

Why won't Americans switch to the metric system?

They have a foot fetish

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There was a couple who explored kinky sex but they finally decided they liked “oral” more than “foot fetish.”

They were “head over heels” in love.

If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot

You’ve put it on the right foot.

My 9yr old daughter swears she just made that up. She said “you should put it on Reddit”

My doctor told me I’ve got Athlete’s foot.…

…. I reckon if I can find another one I’ll go for the Olympics.

I dropped my swear jar on my foot.

Just to see if I'd learnt anything.

I saw a vegan with a lucky rabbits foot the other day.

I’m pretty sure that’s a faux paw.

My friend only has a left foot...

Every time he buys shoes he saves the right one, dreaming of a day when he meets a women with only a right foot.

I keep telling him that even if this dream woman exists, they'll probably never meet because they run in opposite circles.

Foot, Foot-Foot, and Foot-Foot-Foot

So Foot, Foot-Foot, and Foot-Foot-Foot grew up together and were the best of friends.
They did everything together until one day Foot took ill.
So Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot took Foot to the doctor.
The doctor examined Foot and then tells Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot the bad news that ...

I was once accused of having a Foot fetish…

…but that’s a lie. I much prefer the Metric system.

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

What is round and helps against athlete's foot?

A landmine.

What is a foot fetishist’s favorite snack?

Free toes

What do you call a woman who has a duster in one hand, a brush in the other, a shovel on one foot and a spade on the other foot

A Swiss army wife.

How do you feed a 90 foot long pet anaconda?

Once. After that somebody else feeds it once.

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My penis may not be 12 inches

....but it smells like a foot.

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A guy with a 10 foot crocodile walks into a bar...

The bartender yells, "hey you can't bring that in here, it might bite someone!" The guy says, "ah, he's harmless, watch this," opens the croc's mouth, whips out his dick and sticks it in its mouth. He lets it there for about 5 minutes, while the crocodile just sits with its mouth open. Finally he sa...

What do you call the Dr. Scholls conveyor belt used for cutting materials to various foot sizes?

*insert punchline*

You know what they call a foot fetish in Paris?

They got the metric system, they wouldn't know what the hell a foot is.

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< Athletes foot! >

I made up this joke in 2010

........................................................

A very active runner was hit by a power shovel. The affect was to shear his privates off. When he got to the hospital the doctor tried to reattach it, but to no avail. The doctor then noticed that...

I fell off a 30 foot ladder yesterday.

I'm fine, I was only on the second rung.

My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.

He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.

He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

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They DoD realized they have too many Generals.

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. ...

80% of my couch fell on my foot today.

...ouch.

Put your foot in it eh?

I came home from work to a note from the wife saying;
"I've left you because you are stupid and bigoted".

I'm not stupid, I'm dyslexic and its not my fault I've got big toes!

What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot?

Mitosis

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3 Foot Condom

A Dwarf goes into a chemist and asks if the 3 foot display condom was for sale?

The owners says "Yes but its not cheap, i'd want £500 for it."

"I'll take it" says the dwarf.

After paying for it the dwarf pulls it over head and down to his shoes and asks the shop owner what he th...

My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"ATOE TRUCK!!??"

A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew

It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot san...

Why don't foot fetishists like redheads?

Because they don't have soles.





^(My bf told me to put this here.)

Went on a date with a woman who bought along a 12 foot pole with a Superman cape tied to one end

for me that's a red flag

I hate guys who've lost part of their foot in an accident

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

A guy visited his friend with a broken foot in the hospital

He asked him what happened and the guy recounts his story.

He said that he was in the pet shop when he saw a parrot he liked. He asked the owner about it and the owner said that the parrot could do karate.

The way this worked was when one said "Parrot karate [object]", the parrot wou...

Tom lost a foot in a traffic accident.

Years later, he fell in love with Mary. Tom didn't tell Mary his disability, worrying that she might leave him.

Tom loved Mary so much that he proposed to her and she said yes.

The next day after the wedding, Mary called her mother angrily : " My husband has only one foot "

...

I was banned from playing soccer due to my two-foot tackle

Though it did wonders for my career in adult films.

Yesterday i found out that i got a foot fetish

Because i like Mentos

I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of a plane.

Until he hit the ground.

What kind of wrench do you use on a foot?

A socket.

What do you call a klansman with a foot fetish?

Black toes intolerant

Why does Captain Morgan always have his foot on a barrel of rum?

Because he can barrely stand.



This is a reupload of my post from earlier due to a misspell that ruined the joke.

How much dirt is in a 6 foot deep hole?

There isn’t any; it’s a hole.

How does the foot send messages to the brain?

TOELAPHONE

What do you call a Scottish man who lost a foot to diabetes?

NATO

My GF told me my foot fetish isn't because I love her feet

It's because my first crush was my sock

Turns out plantar fasciitis is a foot condition

Not a farmer who loves Mussolini.

are you sure I'm drunk?

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."

The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah buddy, I'...

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Why did Hitler always win foot races?

He was the fascist one.

Have you heard about the boss who got their foot stuck in an electrical cord?

>!They went on a power trip!<

Who called it Foot and not...

A Legend.

Where do ancient Greek philosophers keep their wooly foot warmers?

Sock-crates.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.

\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks

\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confid...

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What's 6 foot long, vibrates and turns a small penis into a giant prick?

A motorcycle.

A man was really stressed and his wife put her foot down and..

And finally made him do something about it. She told him he needed to buy a pet because she read that pets reduce stress.

So he takes an Uber to the pet store and is greeted by the owner, a very attractive woman.

Surprisingly, she suggests buying a couple dozen snails because the...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch your...

Did you hear about the guy with a foot fetish who would intentionally lose?

He loved the smell of da feet!

I fell off of a 20 foot ladder today at work.

Thankfully I was on the bottom step.

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A rental van ran over my foot today...

Fucking Hertz!

Two foot fetishists are sitting in the back of a police van.

One turns to the other says:

"I think we got off on the wrong foot."

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My girlfriend left me because she has a foot fetish.

My dick is only 11 inches.

Damn girl, are you Athlete’s Foot?

Because I just caught you in the shower with a bunch of other dudes

A four-foot tall man was fired from his job

...for microaggressions

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Wedding night

Sophia had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian girl living under the watchful eye of her mother, she remained a virgin up until she and her husband took their wedding vows…

On their wedding night, the newlyweds stayed at her mother's house, and Sophia was nervous. Her mother...

An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter,

but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing.

To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

Girl says she only dates 6 foot guys

I only have two feet :(

i heard that the tallest polish man was 9 foot

i wont trust that with a 10 foot pole

I used to hate foot fungi

But then it really grew on me.

I walked into a shop called Foot Locker but left very disappointed.

They didn't have anywhere for me to store a foot.

What did the foot fetishist say to the case of mistaken identity?

Oh dear we seem to have got off on the wrong foot

What do you call the person who makes orthopedic foot braces?

A hobbler

I had to put my foot down today

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

Foot fetishists are great at first impressions.

They always get off on the right foot.

What's the difference between a foot and a camera?

The foot has five toes.
The camera has photos.

What do non-Americans call someone with a foot fetish?

A meter maniac..

What did the foot say to the sock that was about to enter a race?

You're a shoe in

[nsfw] A chef had a one night stand with a 5 foot tall girl.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

How did the GOP shoot themselves in the foot?

With a Cult 45.


***
Also works with, “How does a democracy die?”, etc.

Sorry if someone already thought of this, thought it was clever and didn’t see it after a quick glance.

"May I borrow your foot pump?"

"Why? Have you got flat feet?"

I'm a physicist.

It’s 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her physicist husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands “where have you been!?” Sheepishly, the physicist husband tries to explain himself. He says, “well my colleagues and I went out just for ...

Buzz Aldrin was the second man to step foot on the moon.

Neil before him. Neil.

A hunchback and a guy with a club foot meet each Friday at the pub.

One Friday, lamenting their disabilities, they complain about the length of their walk. "It would be great to short cut through the cemetery" says the guy with the hunchback. "That cemetery is haunted" says the guy with the club foot, "It's madness to walk through there at night!".

After enj...

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