Why do people with foot fetishes never win?

Because they like the taste of defeat.

TIFU when I brought my pregnant wife home a meatball foot long instead of the teriyaki chicken she asked for

Whoops, wrong sub.

What do you call a Goth with a foot fetish??

Edgar Allan Toes

What do you call it when you put you foot in a loaf of bread

Loafers

I accidentally stepped on an African man's foot today.

He shrugged and said "hey man, what Uganda do about it?".

He laughed, I laughed, good times, good times.

A two foot tall man named Shaw is sentenced to five years in prison

So naturally he’s scared. In particular, he’s scared of a large Dutch prisoner named Reedemps, who runs the cell block and gives the diminutive Shaw beatings on the regular.

Shaw makes friends with his cell mate, Joe, who is also afraid of Reedemps, Together, they hash out a plan to get reve...

If I grew another foot

I'd need another shoe.

Deaf Genie

A guy walks into a bar into a strange scene, a foot long pianist on the bar in front of a customer staring at the pianist.

Minding his own business, he pulls a stool beside him and calls to the bartender "give me the most special order you have, it's a special day" he says.

The bartend...

A girl asked me if I had a foot fetish. I said no.

I use the metric system.

Why did the foot call the police?

Because the hand was under a wrist.

I was hoping 2019 would be a year where people stopped getting offended by everything, but boy was I wrong. All I said was "I hope you start off the new year on the right foot"

Damn amputees

I don't like foot models

I don't trust people who sell their soles.

Did you know all French meter sticks are a foot shorter?

They have a habit of cutting the heads off their rulers.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

What did the biologist say when his sister asked him what his favorite part of his foot was?

Mitosis

Did you hear about the two confused foot fetishists?

They got off on the wrong foot.

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you...

What's the foot fetishist's secret to success?

Getting off on the right foot.

On my online dating profile it clearly says that I’m 6 foot - 4 inches

So why when I turn up are woman always disappointed that I’m 5’8”

I am sad, my boyfriend only has one foot

Mom: consider yourself lucky, you father only had 6 inches

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

"I'm just trying to get off on the right foot"

\- Foot fetishist with OCD

What's a foot long and slippery?

A SLIPPER!

As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...

"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.

"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

Why was the king only one foot tall?

Because he was a ruler.

I remember trying to impress a girl by putting my foot down on the pedal ...

... But it turns out she had seen a bin open that way before.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rental van ran over my foot today...

Fucking Hertz!

“YOU WILL OBEY ORDERS OR I WILL BREAK MY FOOT OFF IN YOUR ASS! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME ENSIGN?” The officer demanded.

“SIR YES SIR!” The ensign replied. “REQUESTING PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY SIR!”

“GRANTED.” The officer bellowed.

“DON’T THREATEN ME WITH A GOOD TIME, SIR!”

Foot, Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot

There's a road, on one side is a beautiful green field and on the other side is a horrible muddy field with three sheep. The first sheep is named Foot, the second sheep is named Foot Foot and the third sheep is named Foot Foot Foot. One day Foot said to Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot "Bah, Foot Foot a...

What did one daughter cell say to the other daughter cell when she stepped on her foot?

My toe, sis!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

My Girlfriend was born without her pinky toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.

My therapist says I'm lack toes intolerant.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I bought a 3 foot long skeleton arm for my Halloween decoration today.

The store assistant asked me, 'Are you going to put it up yourself?'

'No, you sick fuck, it's going in my living room,' I replied.

A reddit user goes to order a foot long sandwich...

The sandwich maker asks, "What would you like on your sandwich?"

The user says, "Oh, I like anything on a sub, except for mayonnaise and reposts"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A naked blonde walks into a bar, carrying a poodle under one arm and a 6 foot salami under the other.

The Bardtender says, 'So, I don't suppose you'd be needing a drink?'

The blonde says "I definitely do, after what just happened to me."

The bartender says "I'm so sorry. What happened?"

The blonde says, "Well, my boyfriend and I were just about to make love, when out of nowhere...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My first sexual experience was a lot like my first foot ball game.

There was a lot of sweat and blood but at least my dad came.

A man, a model and a foot tall mini-me walk into a bar

The man approaches the bar, pulls out a gigantic roll of $50s and tells the bartender to line up the entire bar with shots.

As soon as the last shot is poured, the small man hops off the bigger guy’s shoulder and kicks all of the drinks over, spilling them. The man apologizes and pulls out th...

I found out one of my friend is missing all his toes on his right foot

I had to end the friendship because I’m lack-toes intolerant

A man is on a photo safari in Africa, when he finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a circus is visiting
and they put on a parade. The man is watching all of the animals go past, when
he notices, and makes eye contact with a large African elephant. The elephant
immediately turns toward the man, picks him up in its trun...

There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep.

It's called 'coma toes'

If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot

You’ve put it on the right foot.

My 9yr old daughter swears she just made that up. She said “you should put it on Reddit”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend Billy had a ten foot willy, he showed it to the girl next door.

She thought it was a snake and hit it with a rake,

And now it's only 4 ft 4.

You haven't lived until you develop a foot Fetish...

Its toe-tally life changing.

I put my foot through a trampoline last week...

I’ve had a spring in my step ever since.

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot!

Why did the Ginger’s foot get blistered?

He had no sole

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met up with this girl the other night that also has a foot fetish...

I met up with this girl the other night that also has a foot fetish. When she got to my place, she asked if we could just masturbate to some foot porn together instead of having sex. It wasn't what I had in mind, but I agreed anyway. At the end of it, both of us felt pretty disgusted by the whole th...

You have to be careful when having a foot fetish

There’s nothing worse than getting off on the wrong foot

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I accidentally stepped on a guys foot at the bar. I apologised and he replied with "I tasted your momma's pussy last night"

Well jokes on him, my mom doesn't own a cat.

I fell off of a 20 foot ladder today at work.

Thankfully I was on the bottom step.

I wanted to show appreciation to my new girlfriend's foot fetish. Little did I know the woman in the bed was her sister..

I got off on the wrong foot.

I tickled my little brother's foot

I tickled my little brother's foot yesterday and my mom went crazy and said,

"Wait until he is born"

What did the man with a foot fetish order for breakfast?

Toest.

A man dies and finds himself at the foot of a mountain.

There is a sign by the mountain that reads ‘Welcome to Mount Olympus. To learn your fate in the afterlife, climb to the top and see the twelve deities.’

The man looks up the towering mountain, wondering how he will reach the high summit. As he starts his ascent he sees another man making his ...

Fun Fact: if you drop a can of Coca-Cola on your foot it will hurt.

A little ironic considering it's a soft drink.

I cut off the end of my foot but the Doctor wouldn’t treat me.

Turns out he was lack toes intolerant.

I'm 6 foot and my ex is 5'4". I knew we weren't going to last very long.

We could never see eye to eye

My girlfriend asked me if I would mind if she lost the end of her foot

I said "Sorry, I'm lack-toes intolerant."

A mathematician has one foot in a bucket of lava and the other on a block of ice

On average, he's okay.

Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe.

The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...

So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.

What did the taekwondo expert say to the man with a foot fetish?

Get ready to taste defeat

What's the difference between a demoralizing loss, and someone with a foot fetish?

One is a crushing defeat, the other has a crush ON the feet.

My mom was checking out some glossy brochures to travel to a place she’s never been where she’d be waited on hand and foot 24/7 with all inclusive dining and entertainment

I agreed and put her in a nursing home

I’m 6 foot 1 inch

And those are two separate measurements;)

I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.

She was lack-toes intolerant.

Dropped my swear jar on my foot.

Just to see if I'd learnt anything.

A hospital director catches up with a patient running bare foot from the building

Why did escape from the operating room? said the director

Because the nurse was saying: " it's ok be brave, it's just appendicitis it's a simple operation..."

So what? she was just trying to reassure you...

She was talking to the surgeon!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A penis can be 11inches max because -

more than that and then it’ll be a foot.

What do you call it when a newlywed foot fetishist cheats on their spouse?

Getting off on the wrong foot.

A father was found dead at the foot of the Eiffel Tower

As his grieving family finally met the police they told him he was found with a note in his hand which was most likely the suicide note. The police, not having read it, handed it to the mother. The mother opens the note and reads aloud "Eiffel off the tower"

A foot model was on his way to a competition whilst walking through a forest...

...He passed by a lumberjack who accidentally let go of his axe and ended up dismembering one of the model's precious digits.

Thinking quickly the lumberjack bandaged up the model's foot with some nearby foliage and helped the model limp to his event.

When they got there the on site do...

A man walks into a bar and sees a 1 foot tall guy playing the piano.

Astonished the man asks the bartender,
“where in gods name did you find such a small man playing the piano?!”

“There is a genie out back granting wishes but..”

Before the bartender could finish his sentence the patron was out the door to search for the genie.

Sure enough t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between the little toe on my left foot and my sex life?

Everything wants to bang my little toe

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apparently I have Athlete's Foot...

shame the rest of my body is that of a fat fuck.

A completely drunk man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a nazi gardener's foot pain?

A fascist planter's Plantar Fasciitis.

Which foot is the pirate's favorite?

The one that's left

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the illiterate man with the 11 foot penis get dumped by his girlfriend?

TLDR

Have you heard the one about the 60-foot-tall boxer?

Never mind, the punchline would just go over your head.

I told my girlfriend I have a foot fetish...

She said, “this is getting out of hand.”

What did the German say when he quit his foot fetish club?

All feet are same.

I asked my friend if I should get a foot stool

Hey said you otto-man

Hey ladies. I'm six foot, four inches.

Unfortunately, those are two different measurements.

Where do Peeping Toms with foot fetishes hold their annual conference?

Topeka, KS

I sold my foot that had the Tic-Tac toe today...

I heard collectors pay more for items in mint condition.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dick is like a subway foot long

I tell people it’s a foot, but we all know it’s shorter.

My wife just had the best Mothers Day EVER. She had all three meals served to her in bed, people waited on her hand and foot, and she didn't do any cooking, cleaning, or taking care of the kids.

Of course, she's in the hospital :(

A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why ...

The Americans and Russians

at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's...

I shot a hipster in the foot

now she's a hopster