What do you get when you cross an idiom with a Freudian slip?

Six of one, and a half dozen of your mother

I’m an expert in idioms

I know them like the front of my hand

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

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Idioms

An English teacher is explaining idioms to her class and how figurative language won’t make any sense in another language. She states, “for example, if you go to Japan and tell someone they hit the ball out of the park, that person will have no idea what you’re talking about.”

One student imm...

It's a real-shame I failed my entry-level idiom class

I came close, but no sugar.

What do you call it when you hate when people use idioms, but you yourself still use them?

Irony in a nutshell.

There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language.

We call him the Village Idiom.

Whenever I use idioms in the wrong context...

...people look at me as if I'm as thick as thieves!

When someone asks you to give an example of an idiom

Just tell them you can't recall any from the top of your head.

One mans trash...

"One man's rubbish is another man's treasure" is a fantastic Idiom.

But it's a horrible way to tell your kid that he's adopted.

I never get my idioms mixed up

and you can take that to the bank and smoke it

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The tale of two worms

Maggie and Magnus were worming out and about when they came to a river, and saw they had just missed the boat. To make matters worms, they couldn’t dig their way under the river. Maggie wanted to turn around, but Magnus said there was a bridge nearby, and insisted a bridge isn’t a dime a dozen, and ...

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The Immortal Bard

*This is not my joke, it is actually a short story written by Isaac Asimov, but it is written like a joke. One that I found quite humorous. Hope it belongs here.*

"Oh, yes," said Dr. Phineas Welch, "I can bring back the spirits of the illustrious dead."

He was a little drunk, or maybe ...

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender confuses jokes with idioms, and offers the horse water but can't make it drink.

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