A recent survey has said that 29% of owners sleep with their pets on the bed.

I tried it once and my goldfish died.

A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive.

Unless that language is Klingon

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

A survey just out today shows that the most popular coating for deep-fried food is golden breadcrumbs.

I can't believe it's not batter.

There was a survey about reddit jokes

31%-stupid
69%-nice

100 Women surveyed

One hundred women surveyed in New York City were asked if they would sleep with Donald J. Trump.

Each and everyone of them replied **"Not Again"**!

Just had a strange phone survey

They asked:

* How’s the knee feeling?
* Do you prefer shorts or long pants?
* Do you ever get cramps in your calf area?

I interrupted and said, “Hey, this is weird. Why are you asking such strange questions?”

The surveyor laughed and said, “I’m just polling your leg. “

Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey.

He asks "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?"

The first replies "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night.”

The second one replies "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get in...

A new survey shows that 97% of the world is certified stupid.

Luckily I'm in the other 5%.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't k...

Survey says

Accordian to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected.

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An artist's wife starts having sex with him daily.

While a bit unusual, he didn't question it and just enjoyed the ride. One day, his wife approached him.

"Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What would you like me to draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her, ey...

In a survey, 5% of straight men said they liked slim thighs on a woman and 10% said they liked thicc thighs on a woman.

The rest of them preferred something in between.

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I surveyed few women and asked them what shampoo were they using.

Their reply mostly was "how the fuck did you get in here" coming out of their showers.

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A survey said that people that sleep with their pets get less allergies and helps the immune system and they live longer.

Bullshit... I tried sleeping with my goldfish and nearly drowned.

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A survey was conducted for poor tennis players who were bad at sex

It was decided on a worst come worst serve basis

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A statistician was accused of selection bias in his work surveying virgins.

Apparently he was cherry-picking his data.

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A recent survey found that most men prefer eating a fine meal in a restaurant to having sex.

Presumably because they get performance anxiety when diners are watching.

This just in! A recent survey conducted has found some interesting results!

Out of every 10 people surveyed, 1 person will always disagree with the other 9.

"Galactic Central, this is Captain Zod reporting in"

"*Captain Zod, this is Galactic Central. Please make your report.*"

"Galactic Central, we successfully reached Planet Earth and have completed our survey."

"*Captain Zod, understood. What did you find*?"

"Galactic Central, we found a large number of orbital nuclear weapons aroun...

Irish Pub In Midtown Manhattan Is On Fire

An Irish pub on 32nd street caught fire one day. Smoke and flames were seen billowing out of the windows and threatening the nearby businesses. Firefighters arrived on the scene within 10 minutes but the fire had spread so rapidly from all the wood (and booze I suppose), and the building was complet...

A pimp is driving around, checking up on his girls on the street...

... when he sees a man dropping one of his girls off on a corner.
This isn't out of the ordinary, and he doesn't think too much of it, but the next day he sees the same man driving the same car dropping off two girls at once.
Again, not too strange, but he takes notice.


The next nig...

Last minute survey

They surveyed people about what's more tolerable in an elevator. A fart or a cough. By overwhelming majority the fart is winning 95% to 4%. The last 1% are afraid of elevators.

I've done a survey asking women what shampoo brand they used in shower.

99% of the respondents answered: "What are you doing here? Get out!"

According to a survey, one in three people cheat on their partners

Now I need to figure out if it is my wife or my girlfriend

According to a recent survey of priests

Only 50% find altar boys who sing in the alto range interesting.

Not surprisingly, the other half finds them to be an a-choired taste.

A short survey

When the quarantine ends you will:

A) gain 20 kg

B) become pregnant

C) become an alcoholic

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Oh,no! Tom Smith gasped..

"Oh, No!" Tom Smith gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived?

Tom could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Alex kep...

A Family of Farmers Lived on Manitoba - Minnesota Border

Their farm sat right on the border, and for decades there had been ongoing dispute whether the main house of the farm sat on the U.S. or Canadian side. One day a letter came from the Government and the eldest son opened it.

"Mama," he said to his elderly mother, "The Government finally comple...

I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”

I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.

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Moral of the Story

There was this fish, just swimming up the river. He looks up, notices a fly. Fish thinks to himself, man, if that fly drops 6 inches, I can have myself a tasty little meal.

On the riverbank, there’s a bear. He notices the fish, and the fly. He thinks to himself, man, if that fly drops 6 inch...

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A survey shows that 85% of men masturbate in the shower. The remaining 15% sing. Do you know what they sing?

...No, I thought you probably didn't. ;)

Recent survey revealed

6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy

Choose a color, I’m taking a survey.

Reddit is, then

According to a survey 64% of Americans couldn't locate Ukraine on a world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

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Bear Exterminator

A man has a bear perched on the roof of his house. He has tried everything to get the bear off the house but nothing works. So finally he gives up and calls the bear exterminator.

The bear exterminator shows up in an old pickup with a huge cage in the back. After he surveys the situation he b...

Wash. Biol. Surv.

A biological survey team based in Washington State University were studying the migratory habits of crows, so they caught a number of the birds in several states, tagged them with a metal tag marked WASH. BIOL. SURV. along with a box number and serial number, and released them.

After a while ...

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Survey About Sex and Happiness

Years ago, I did a simple survey. Basically, I was trying to determine how the frequency of sexual intercourse correlates to happiness. I went to my college campus and started observing people. I saw a woman who looked somewhat unhappy, so I asked "how often do you have sex?" and she said "once a...

A huge crowd gathered as Jesus was nailed to the cross. As Jesus surveyed the crowd, he saw St. Perer at the back.

He started to call to him, “Peter, Peter”.

Peter tried to get the crowd. Pushing people as he went. “I’m coming Lord,” shouted Peter as he worked his wash through the crowd. Eventually he reached the foot of Jesus’ cross, and asked, “What is it, Lord?”

And Jesus said, “I can see you...

A toothbrush journey in India

Very real story...,,

A Dentist was conducting a global survey-
*"How long do you use your Toothbrush...?"*

Chinese:
"3 months...!"

American:
"1 month...!!"

Indian:
"There is no fixed time limit doctor, it may be years...!!! Initially we use it for *brushing* ...

When Andrew Waugh was surveying Mt Everest in 1856 he came up with a height of exactly 29,000 ft. Fearing people would think that was just an imprecise estimation he reported it as 29,002 ft.

Because of this, some say he was the first to place two feet on the summit of Everest.

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The General Social Survey reports that the average male has sex 54 times a year.

It’s going to be a busy month.

I was filling in an online survey when it asked me what state I lived in

Apparently "constant despair" isn't an appropriate answer.

Survey finds that 1 in 3 Republicans are of below average IQ

The other two are Russian Hackers.

So I surveyed some people...

5 out of 4 of them think I'm bad at fractions.

I survey houses for a living

although the owners prefer to call it "breaking in".

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A man rushes into a public lavatory

A man rushes into a public lavatory but finds all the cubicles to be occupied.
With the need to defecate urgent, he shits inside a plastic bag.
While looking for a way to dispose the bag, he spies an open window. He aims and throws the bag but it opens mid way and the shit spreads all over...

Guns aren’t lethal!!!

I did a survey of people who got shot and the result was that gunshots have a 100% survival rate

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The Discovery of happiness

(English is not my first language, so I apologize in advance for any spelling/grammat mistakes xP)

A scientist, after many years of study managed to mathematically prove that having regular sex is the key to happiness. So, he decides to set up a conference, in which many people curious of his...

70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.

A survey showed that England had the highest Star Wars fan base in the world...

I guess the fourth is really with them.

An oldie but a goodie. [It's a version of an older joke]

On November 14, 1984, the United Nations sent out a survey to every country, asking "Would you please share your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey flopped pretty much everywhere.

In Africa, families were confused about what "food"...

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5,000 married men were surveyed as to why they like receiving oral sex.

* 1% liked the warmth

* 2% liked the sensation

* 3% liked the eroticism

* 94% just liked the peace and quiet

I conducted a survey with 100 women to see which shampoo was the most popular

The number one response was: How the hell did you get in here?

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used while showering.

Ninety-eight of them said, "Get the hell out of here."

A lady just came up to me in the shopping centre and asked me to take apart in a survey....

Q1 - What grooming products do you use...... I don't think .. Facebook, Haribo and Puppies were the answers she was after..

The United Nations world-wide survey

The United Nations sent out a survey to all the nations in the different continents of the world.

The survey went like this:

"We want your honest opinion on how to find a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world"

The survey of course, turned out to be a total and a...

An old Vermonter who lives right on the Massachusetts boundary has his land surveyed...

After the survey was complete and the new map was made, it turned out that he had been living in Massachusetts all this time.



"Good" said the old man. "I can't take any more of those Vermont winters!"

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100% of people surveyed say they prefer their right butt cheek.

I guess that means the other one is always left behind.

An early American cowboy is out surveying the west...

When he is captured by some Natice Americans. They say, "Your people have declared war on us and as a POW, we are going to kill you...in 3 days. But each day before that, we will grant you one wish"

He thinks and says..."For my first wish, I wish to speak to my horse". The look perplexed,...

Scientists need to stop surveying the deepest parts of the ocean with their high-tech equipment

They should send Neymar Jr. instead because he is the greatest diver in the world.

A survey has found that majority of women assign a certain ringtone for their partner.

Men do that too. It's called silent.

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New HR policy

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase...

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A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like penises. "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.

"Hey, ...

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From my job tonight, doing phone surveys: "How would you describe your sexual orientation?"

"Horizontal -- but sometimes we like to switch it up."

A man is taking a survey to find out what people think about the meat shortage.

First he approaches a Russian, and asks, "Excuse me, sir, what do you think about the meat shortage?" The Russian says, "What's meat?" Then he asks an American, who says, "What's a shortage?" Last, he asks an Israeli, who says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

A recent survey found only 20% of parents were eating dinner with their children...

...the other 80% were using a knife and fork.

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy: “Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.”

The cowboy ju...

1,000 Men Were Recently Surveyed About Women

10% of the men surveyed liked women with thin legs.

15% of the men surveyed preferred women with muscular legs.

The rest liked something in-between.

A seasoned general, surveying the battlefield with his lieutenant, sees an enemy soldier with his arm in a hole full of water

"Let's avoid him", the general says to the lieutentant. "He's well-armed."

Surveys show people from Massachusetts go camping more than any other state.

Their destination usually includes one of Connecticut's many passing lanes.

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Have you heard the old one about a woman doing a survey on sexual attitudes?

She stops an airline pilot and asks him, amongst other things, when he last had sexual intercourse. He replies 1958. Now, knowing airline pilots, the researcher is surprised and queries this. Well, says the pilot, it's only 2110 now.

(Credit, John Cleese c. 1991)

UN sent a survey to children from different country: " Regarding the problem of food shortage in other countries, what's your opinion?" Surprisingly no kids understand the question.

American kids: "what's “other countries”...?"
European kids: "what's “shortage”...?"
Africa kids: "what's “food”...?"
Chinese kids: "what's “my opinion”...?"

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What do you call a penis length survey? (NSFW)

Statistdicks

The BBC are setting up a theme park and asked the public what BBC show concept they would most like to ride. The number one survey response was simply...

"Benedict Cumberbatch."

Man answers the phone: "Hello sir, this is a short survey. What is your name?

"Adam"

And your wife's?

"Eve"

Ha! That's funny..does the snake lives there too?

"Yes one moment. Honey, get your mom please..."

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A boy asks his dad about the difference between theory and practice.

So the dad tells him to go and ask his sister, mother, and grandmother whether or not they would be willing to sleep with a man for 1 million dollars.

The boy asks his grandmother who says "for much less"

Then his mother who says "beats sleeping with that broke son of a bitch you call ...

Which country likes surveys the most?

Poll-land

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90% of people surveyed said they masturbate in the shower. The other 10% sing. Do you know what they sing?

I didn't think so.

A recent worldwide survey showed...

A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 7,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

I recently did a survey on Syria.

The results blew me away.

Utah Geologic Survey was advertising landscape calendars for the upcoming holidays...

...and said, "Hurry before they run out!"

What, the national monuments or the calendars?

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

A new survey shows that 99% of Americans dislike Donald Trump

I knew Trump was a part of the 1%.

An old Minnesota farmer found out the Minnesota and Iowa state border had been surveyed incorrectly.

When they told him his house was actually in Iowa by 10 feet He said, "Thank god. No more Minnesota Winters!"

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[NSFW] Chicago citizens surveyed on sex in showers

In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.
In the survey, 86% of Chicago’s inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) say that they have enjoyed sex in the show...

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A recent survey has revealed that the favorite sex position is "Doggy Style"...

With married couples in mind, that's where the husband has to sit up and beg, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

Survey Says

A survey found that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house, and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

Yoda stands in the doorway, surveying the crime scene.

The victim is lying face down on the floor in a pool of his own blood. Huge chunks have been taken out of him, and clear teeth marks are visible around the open wounds. Against a nearby wall lies the suspected killer. Mouth full of blood (likely not his own) and back broken in such a way that he can...

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