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Survey Jokes

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.
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We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.
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Survey

(Advance warning - Lame joke ahead)

A woman approaches a man on the street and says, "Excuse me Sir, I’m doing a little survey, can I ask you some questions?"

The man says. "Yes of course."

Woman: "Assume that you’re traveling in a bus and a lady gets on the bus and she’s got ...
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Survey

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: Five percent said it was to get a glass of water. Twelve percent said it was to go to the bathroom. Eighty-three percent said it was to go home.
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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
...
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UN Survey

Last month, the UN conducted a global survey:

# "Please give us your honest opinion about a solution to the Food Shortages in the Rest of the World."



The poll turned out, not unexpectedly, to be a huge flop.

Why?



\-In Africa, participants didn't know what ...

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.

Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.
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A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive.

Unless that language is Klingon
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Just had a strange phone survey

They asked:

* How’s the knee feeling?
* Do you prefer shorts or long pants?
* Do you ever get cramps in your calf area?

I interrupted and said, “Hey, this is weird. Why are you asking such strange questions?”

The surveyor laughed and said, “I’m just polling your leg. “
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Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …

And 100% of men don’t care.
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Accordion to a recent survey...

...replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence, often goes undetected.
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5,000 married men were surveyed as to why they like receiving oral sex.

* 1% liked the warmth

* 2% liked the sensation

* 3% liked the eroticism

* 94% just liked the peace and quiet

A survey found that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea

That must mean that one dude actually enjoys it.
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Recent survey revealed

6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy
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Survey About Sex and Happiness

Years ago, I did a simple survey. Basically, I was trying to determine how the frequency of sexual intercourse correlates to happiness. I went to my college campus and started observing people. I saw a woman who looked somewhat unhappy, so I asked "how often do you have sex?" and she said "once a...

I conducted a local survey about which shampoo women prefer to use...

2 of them used Garnier, another 2 liked TRESemmé, and 1 preferred Pantene. Not sure what the last lady liked, I couldn't get a good look before the police arrested me.
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Survey

A newspaper was doing a survey on sexual habits. One questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman, wearing a black suit, and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse. "Oh, about half a dozen times a year," said the gentleman. The questioner smiled, saying, "I thought you Italians were suppos...

A person doing a survey called me and asked, “What’s your position on drugs?”

Me: Usually slumped on a beanbag chair.
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Survey Report

If men behaved after marriage the way they behave before marriage, half the divorces wouldn’t take place.

If women behaved before marriage the way they behave after marriage, half the marriages wouldn’t take place!
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A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question:

*"PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE World"* No result was achieved, since the following problems were facedduring the survey's implementation:
1. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack"
2. In Africa no one knew what is "food"
3. In Eastern Europe no on...
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For a survey I asked people what soap they use in the shower.

90% of them told me to get out.
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I took a survey of which shampoos women used in the shower

98% said what are you doing in my bathroom
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100 Women surveyed

One hundred women surveyed in New York City were asked if they would sleep with Donald J. Trump.

Each and everyone of them replied **"Not Again"**!
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In a survey, 5% of straight men said they liked slim thighs on a woman and 10% said they liked thicc thighs on a woman.

The rest of them preferred something in between.
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"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him.

Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 12-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.

...

(AoT joke) What happened to the Survey Corps after Zeke's attack?

They became Survey Corpses.

Ba Dum Tss
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A new survey shows that 97% of the world is certified stupid.

Luckily I'm in the other 5%.
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1000 men were recently surveyed about women..

10% of men liked women with thin legs.

19% liked muscular legs.

The rest liked something in between.
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A recent survey...

In a recent survey 53% of pet owners said they would let their pet sleep in their bed - I tried it once but the goldfish died
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Survey finds that 1 in 3 Republicans are of below average IQ

The other two are Russian Hackers.
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Survey results show 64 percent of women have used vibrators.

The rest have new ones.
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I just had a survey done on my house...

8 out of 10 people said they really liked it.
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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

According to a survey 64% of Americans couldn't locate Ukraine on a world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"
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Taking a survey

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He is approached by a representative from a beer company. "Hi, we're taking a poll about people's drinking habits, do you mind answering a few questions?" she asks. "Not at all, go ahead," the guy replies. "First, how old were you on your last birthday?" she...
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According to a recent survey of Chefs, about 82% of them are part of the LGBT community.

Interestingly most of them were pansexual

A reporter surveys the common people

"What's your opinion on the hike in fuel prices?"

"I didn't know there was a hike. I always get fuel for 50 bucks and no one has asked for more"
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A Brazilian friend told me this joke yesterday

The United Nations decided to conduct a world-wide survey. So they sent a letter to the representatives of each country with the following question: "Please, with all honesty, give your opinion on the scarcity of food in the rest of the world".


The survey was a huge failure. Why? None of ...
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Survey Says

A survey found that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house, and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.
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Choose a color, I’m taking a survey.

Reddit is, then
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I survey houses for a living

although the owners prefer to call it "breaking in".
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A recent survey found out what state is the most American

You'd think it'd be New York or Texas, but no, it's crisis.
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According to a survey, one in three people cheat on their partners

Now I need to figure out if it is my wife or my girlfriend
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Which country likes surveys the most?

Poll-land
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A survey was conducted for poor tennis players who were bad at sex

It was decided on a worst come worst serve basis

A Soviet gets a survey in the mail and it asks "Who is your favorite Russian?"

The second question was "Please explain why you answered Lenin?"
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So I surveyed some people...

5 out of 4 of them think I'm bad at fractions.
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A survey has found

that majority of women assign a certain ringtone for their partner.


Men do that too. It's called silent.
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During a survey three people of various professions - a mathematician, a sociologist and an accountant - were asked "How much is 2+2?"

The mathematician answered "Four".

The sociologist answered "Assuming that we want the answer that is in accordance with the Western social norms, four."

The accountant asked "And how much do you want it to be?"
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Survey

I asked 100 women what brand of shampoo they use while showering.
99 out of those 100 answered : "How the fuck did you get in here you asshole!?!"

A recent worldwide survey showed...

A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 7,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.
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I surveyed few women and asked them what shampoo were they using.

Their reply mostly was "how the fuck did you get in here" coming out of their showers.

This just in! A recent survey conducted has found some interesting results!

Out of every 10 people surveyed, 1 person will always disagree with the other 9.
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Accordion to several scientific reports and surveys,

When replacing words with instruments they tend to go unnoticed.
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A statistician was accused of selection bias in his work surveying virgins.

Apparently he was cherry-picking his data.

An early American cowboy is out surveying the west...

When he is captured by some Natice Americans. They say, "Your people have declared war on us and as a POW, we are going to kill you...in 3 days. But each day before that, we will grant you one wish"

He thinks and says..."For my first wish, I wish to speak to my horse". The look perplexed,...
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A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now without a doubt the number one hand held device!

Closely followed by the penis which is usually held in the other hand

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What do you call a penis length survey? (NSFW)

Statistdicks

Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey.

He asks "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?"

The first replies "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night.”

The second one replies "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get in...
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The Tea Survey

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits.

'I always stir my tea with my left hand,' said The Englishman.

'I always stir my tea with my right hand,' said The Scotsman.

How about you?' the Irishman was asked.

'Oh me?' ...
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An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...
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I recently did a survey on Syria.

The results blew me away.
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A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital sex...

phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"

"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be unti...

A recent survey of women on Tinder revealed that a majority of women would rather hook up with an amateur pilot than an experienced military jet pilot.

"DAMNIT!" a young airman yells as he slams his phone onto the bar.

"Tom, calm down! What's got you so riled up?" his buddy says to him.

"I just read an article that says women wanna hook up with amateur pilots over good looking pilots like us that keep the skies safe" Tom says.
...
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A recent survey shows...

A recent survey shows that nine out of ten people masturbate in the shower.

Do you know what the tenth does?

No? I guess you're one of the nine then.

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100% of people surveyed say they prefer their right butt cheek.

I guess that means the other one is always left behind.

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A recent survey found that most men prefer eating a fine meal in a restaurant to having sex.

Presumably because they get performance anxiety when diners are watching.

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A survey shows that 85% of men masturbate in the shower. The remaining 15% sing. Do you know what they sing?

...No, I thought you probably didn't. ;)

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[NSFW] Chicago citizens surveyed on sex in showers

In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.
In the survey, 86% of Chicago’s inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) say that they have enjoyed sex in the show...

A survey just out today shows that the most popular coating for deep-fried food is golden breadcrumbs.

I can't believe it's not batter.
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The General Social Survey reports that the average male has sex 54 times a year.

It’s going to be a busy month.

An oldie but a goodie. [It's a version of an older joke]

On November 14, 1984, the United Nations sent out a survey to every country, asking "Would you please share your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey flopped pretty much everywhere.

In Africa, families were confused about what "food"...
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A man joins a ship's crew as a cook

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like penises. "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.
...

A recent survey found only 20% of parents were eating dinner with their children...

...the other 80% were using a knife and fork.
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I was filling in an online survey when it asked me what state I lived in

Apparently "constant despair" isn't an appropriate answer.
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A survey said that people that sleep with their pets get less allergies and helps the immune system and they live longer.

Bullshit... I tried sleeping with my goldfish and nearly drowned.

Surveys show people from Massachusetts go camping more than any other state.

Their destination usually includes one of Connecticut's many passing lanes.
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A survey showed that England had the highest Star Wars fan base in the world...

I guess the fourth is really with them.
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Yoda stands in the doorway, surveying the crime scene.

The victim is lying face down on the floor in a pool of his own blood. Huge chunks have been taken out of him, and clear teeth marks are visible around the open wounds. Against a nearby wall lies the suspected killer. Mouth full of blood (likely not his own) and back broken in such a way that he can...
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A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman -

"Which book has helped you most in your life?"

The woman replied - "My husband's cheque book !!
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An old Vermonter who lives right on the Massachusetts boundary has his land surveyed...

After the survey was complete and the new map was made, it turned out that he had been living in Massachusetts all this time.



"Good" said the old man. "I can't take any more of those Vermont winters!"

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From my job tonight, doing phone surveys: "How would you describe your sexual orientation?"

"Horizontal -- but sometimes we like to switch it up."

70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.
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A new survey shows that 99% of Americans dislike Donald Trump

I knew Trump was a part of the 1%.
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Have you heard the old one about a woman doing a survey on sexual attitudes?

She stops an airline pilot and asks him, amongst other things, when he last had sexual intercourse. He replies 1958. Now, knowing airline pilots, the researcher is surprised and queries this. Well, says the pilot, it's only 2110 now.

(Credit, John Cleese c. 1991)

National Survey Reports Pi day as America's Third-Most Underrated Holiday

To me it's a little bit more than that.
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