Valentine Jokes - 103 Hilarious Valentine Jokes

My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.

So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.

My Valentine is like the square root of -100...

A 10, but imaginary

For valentines day, I bought my girlfriend beads for abacus.

It's the little things that count.

I finally got someone to be my valentine!

I wish I could post this in any other sub.

For Valentine's Day, my wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of mine when dressed up as a nurse.

At last, I got to roleplay having access to healthcare.

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"

I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

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My date for Valentines told me I had the biggest Willy she’d ever felt.

Turns out she was pulling my leg.

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There's love without sex and there's sex without love...

Then there's You, without either.

Happy Valentines

If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men?

Palm Sunday.

First time posting, please be gentle.

My Valentine’s Day joke

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I’ve never paid $50 to have a garbanzo bean on my face

Valentine Cards

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scen...

My wife told me she wanted a divorce for Valentine's Day

I told her I hadn't planned on spending that much.

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My boyfriend is getting me a dildo cast from his own penis for Valentine's day...

We're only doing small gifts this year.

Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

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Did my taxes on Valentines Day

It was the only way I was getting fucked today.

For Valentine's Day I made a chart of past relationships....

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.

They're both about candy and being something you're not.

Bought my wife a new belt and bag for Valentines day,

The vacuum works just fine now.

Best gift for your Valentine.

An upright organ. . .

Think about it.

A Valentines Poem

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Whitney Houston is dead
and iiiiiiieeeeiiiii will always love yoooouooooou

(My 8 year old just told me this one) Who is the fish's valentine?

His Gil-Friend!

Idc what ya'll say, that was golden! Lol

It’s Feb. 14th. Happy Valentine’s Day to all those in love

and happy Monday to all those who are married.

It's Valentine's Day and I'm inundated!

Sorry, I meant that I'm in, undated.

Booked a table for 2 for the valentine's day

Hope my girlfriend likes snooker

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A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

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“I hate Valentine’s Day”

Why’s that?

“Every year my husband brings home some shitty supermarket flowers and expects me to lay on my back and spread my legs.”

Can I recommend getting a vase?

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Valentines Day is on Monday

Funerals usually take place on Saturday and Sunday. After the burial the flowers will still be fresh. What you do with this information is up to you.

My wife is never gonna believe why her valentine gifts aren’t here today.

I ordered her balloons from Temu but they keep getting shot down.

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Valentine night for Men.

I have booked a dim lit table for two tonight for me and the Wife.

I just hope the fuck she likes Snooker....

My Valentines Day so far has been going like a fairy tale.

Grimm.

It's Valentine's day! I proposed to my high school girlfriend and best friend ever!

The two of them are out in the parking lot right now having a slapfight.

a valentine's day request

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day. She said a divorce," the guy tells the bartender. "Oh, no. What did you do?" the bartender asks. "I just told her I hadn't planned on spending that much," the guy replies.

My favorite St. Valentines joke

A mother heard her daughter crying in her room, so she went in to see what was the matter.

"What's the matter, dear?"

"Oh, Mom, it's Valentine's Day and nobody loves me!"

The mother thought for a moment and said "Oh, cheer up dear, this isn't the only day nobody loves you!"

In honor of Valentine's Day...

What does a passionate kiss and a spider have in common?

They both lead to the undoing of the fly.

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For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

I always thought my wife nagged me less un February because of Valentines Day.

Turns out it's because it only has 28 days.

Happy Valentine's

Roses are red,.
Violets are blue.
If he's busy on Valentine's,
The side-piece is you!

Those roses smell lovely,
But the stems have a prick.
Her excuse may well sound good,
But she'll be getting some ________

A lot of people call Valentine’s Day “singles awareness day,” but that’s actually today

4/04 date not found

The Swiss have an ancient Valentine's Day tradition of giving their crush a pregnant sheep

In Swiss German, this animal gift is known as "fond-ewe".

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A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more c...

Valentines day word

Q. Whats the most used word on Valentines day?

A. No

My friend spent Valentine's Day with her bird.

I said if she likes it then she shoulda put a wing on it.

That's why she prefers the bird.

\[This is all true.\]

Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.

It’s February 14th.

Valentines special! $500.00

We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Sunday.
It includes fishing license, poles, boat fees, tent, beers and all necessities for the whole weekend.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.

When shopping for Valentine's day cards, I found one saying "Baby, you're the only one for me."

Great slogan, so I took 12.

A man walks out of a restaurant alone on Valentine's day

A man walks out of a restaurant alone on Valentine's day. He just got dumped by his girlfriend some minutes before. A baker takes pity on him and gives him a slice of cake - entirely free.

That man is like me. He's lonely, but at least he got some cake!

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High School on Valentine's Day

A high school thought it might be a fun activity to let the teenagers cut out paper hearts, put the name or wish of their valentine on the card anonymously, and hang them on a chainlink fence at the entrance of the school. Of course someone had to take them all off afterwards. So the day following V...

I have a joke about Valentines

Most of you wont get it.

Are you alone this valentine?

Just die on the 13th and you will surely get attentions with flowers on 14th

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Having your period on Valentine's day

Will be such a pain in the ass

My Cake Day joke: I finally got a girlfriend for Valentines Day!!!

Her name is Rejection.

Valentine's day

Imagin how many people will be shaving tonight.

My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card

Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order

Too early for Valentine's jokes?

What did one volcano say to another volcano?

I Lava You!

Feb 14th, "Will you be my Valentine?"

March 14th, "Will you be my quarantine?"

What do single people call Valentine's Day?

Happy Independence Day

Had me a Barack Obama valentines day.

Obama self.

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A Valentine's day haiku for you all....

Love is in the air,

So is coronavirus,

Wash your fucking hands.

What’s the one gift zoophiles can’t give their significant other of Valentines Day?

Chocolate

I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.

Eventually the post office fired me for it.

My friend told me he has trouble getting a date for Valentine's day.

I don't understand what's so hard about it. They literally grow in trees.

Imagine being single on Valentine’s Day

Joke’s on you, I don’t have to imagine

Wife on Valentine's day...

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically unroman...

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Got my girlfriend a toilet for Valentine’s Day

Didn’t want to deal with her shit anymore.

My Valentine's day night

My wife came home and looked at me. She tells me totake off her blouse, so I did. Now take off my bra, so I did. Now, take off my pants and panties. I did that as well.

As I'm standing there naked see says stop wearing my clothes you're stretching them out.

It was a few days before Valentine’s Day and a young woman was taking an afternoon nap.

After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day! What do you think it means?”
Her husband smiled. “Oh, I have a feeling you’ll know later tonight.” he said with a wink.
His wife squealed with joy. That evening, the man came home w...

What's the difference between a trick performed by the Valentine's Day mascot and Putin?

The trick is a Cupid Stunt.

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A Valentine’s Day Poem, by Stevie Wonder

Roses are black,
Violets are black,
I can’t see shit,
Fuck.

Happy Valentine's Day

The Restaurant offers 25% discount for men who show up with their wife, 20% discount for men who show up with their girlfriend on Valentine's Day.
It's on the house for anyone who show up with both.

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Nsfw My wife said we can do anal for Valentines Day

It made my day but made her hole weak!

What does Fiona let Shrek do on Valentine's Day?

Smash Mouth

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My hallway is absolutely full of Valentine cards today...

I really am a lazy bastard of a postman.

I bought my girlfriend vegetables on valentine's day

She thinks i'm corny

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Valentine's ♥

Keep it quiet but I’ve booked a table for me and the Mrs for Valentines Day. I think it’s gonna end in tears though.

She’s shit at snooker.

I bought my girlfriend a pink vibrator for valentines day.

She told me as long as she has me she won't need it. I told her "actually that's what I'm here to talk about"

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The #1 thing a guy wants for Valentines Day is Sex...

... And #2 is for his wife to not find out.

What's the best part of Valentines Day?

The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

Its valentine and was asked to go out by 5 girls

Turns out l was in the girls bathroom

Picked up two HOT girls on valentines day ...

First time i ever had two HOT GIRLS at the same time.

I love driving for UBER.

Finding love on valentine's day

Is the equivalent to finding santa at Christmas

Can any redditor change a lightbulb on Valentine's Day?

Yes, since it needs only a single one to do it.

What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card?

"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"

Have you guys heard Radiohead is releasing a Valentine's Day album?

It's called OK Cupid.

Golfers.. After Valentine’s day

After Valentine's day..

Golfers........ !!!

At dawn the telephone rings...

"Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country
house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, ...

I’m not sure what this “Valentines Day” thing is...

Does it mean the day before “Half-Price-Chocolate Day?”

Today I got 150 Valentines cards, I was totally shocked and breathless

The security guard at Hallmark gave quite a chase!

19 minutes until Valentines

If I kill myself right now, I'll get flowers later.

I made breakfast in bed for my girlfriend on Valentine's day?

It was a hearty meal

What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day?

To remind single people that they are single.

I received a bunch of flowers for valentines day, with the heads cut off

I think I was being stalked

I finally found a date for Valentines day!

I wish I could write this in another sub

This Valentine's Day, I'm sending telepathic gifts.

Because it's the thought that counts.

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A Happy Valentines Day From the UK.

Wishing you all a happy Valentines day from the UK.
also lovingly known as Steak and blowjob day.

or
For us Singles
Pornhub & Handjob Day

What game do lonely people play on Valentine’s Day?

Uno.

What’s four inches long and not getting sucked on Valentine’s Day?

Whitney Houston’s crack pipe.

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For Valentines Day, I’m getting anal.

My husband is going to clean the kitchen MY way, no matter how clean he thinks it is.

Why is it hard for Liam Neeson to enjoy Valentine’s Day?

Because all the girls are taken

I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster!

Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.

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A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer.

A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer. "Last night my wife woke me up to tell me that she dreamed that I bought her a big, expensive diamond ring for Valentine's Day, and she wondered if that dream meant anything." "What did you tell her?" the bartender asks. "I gave her a pass...

My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine's day and I didn't ....

..... and she's so proud of me, she's taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don't know what the pistol and the shovel are for though.

What did the tomato say to its valentine?

I love you from my head tomato.

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TIFU...well it was actually yesterday, so YIFU by singing a Sam Cooke song for my GF on Valentine's Day:

Me:
Don't know much about history
Don't know much biology
Don't know much about a science book
Don't know much about the French I took

But I do know that I love you
And I know that if you love me, too
What a wonderful world this would be

Don't know much about geograph...

To all the ladies and gents who aren't getting the V or the D in Valentine's day

Happy Alentine's Ay

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