(My 8 year old just told me this one) Who is the fish's valentine?

His Gil-Friend!

Idc what ya'll say, that was golden! Lol

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Did my taxes on Valentines Day

It was the only way I was getting fucked today.

I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.

They're both about candy and being something you're not.

My Valentine’s Day joke

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I’ve never paid $50 to have a garbanzo bean on my face

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I got my wife flowers and a dildo for Valentine’s Day.

If she doesn’t like the flowers, she can go fuck herself.

My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine's day and I didn't ....

..... and she's so proud of me, she's taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don't know what the pistol and the shovel are for though.

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A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

I have a joke about Valentines

Most of you wont get it.

My missus asked me if I'd planned something special for Valentine's day. "I'm working on it" I said. She smiled happily,

which is weird because I thought she'd be well cheesed off because I was having to work.

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Nsfw My wife said we can do anal for Valentines Day

It made my day but made her hole weak!

My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card

Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order

Had me a Barack Obama valentines day.

Obama self.

Best gift for your Valentine.

An upright organ. . .

Think about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Valentine night for Men.

I have booked a dim lit table for two tonight for me and the Wife.


I just hope the fuck she likes Snooker....

I made breakfast in bed for my girlfriend on Valentine's day?

It was a hearty meal

Today I got 150 Valentines cards, I was totally shocked and breathless

The security guard at Hallmark gave quite a chase!

All You Need Is Love

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better...

Happy Valentine's

Roses are red,.
Violets are blue.
If he's busy on Valentine's,
The side-piece is you!

Those roses smell lovely,
But the stems have a prick.
Her excuse may well sound good,
But she'll be getting some ________

Have you guys heard Radiohead is releasing a Valentine's Day album?

It's called OK Cupid.

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A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer.

A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer. "Last night my wife woke me up to tell me that she dreamed that I bought her a big, expensive diamond ring for Valentine's Day, and she wondered if that dream meant anything." "What did you tell her?" the bartender asks. "I gave her a pass...

A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer.

A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer. "I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day. She said a divorce," the guy tells the bartender. "Oh, no. What did you do?" the bartender asks. "I just told her I hadn't planned on spending that much," the guy replies.

Valentines day word

Q. Whats the most used word on Valentines day?

A. No

Best thing about covid is I dont have to spend $200 on Valentine's day dinner this year.

Worst thing is the dead wife.

What does Fiona let Shrek do on Valentine's Day?

Smash Mouth

I finally got someone to be my valentine!

I wish I could post this in any other sub.

Can any redditor change a lightbulb on Valentine's Day?

Yes, since it needs only a single one to do it.

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High School on Valentine's Day

A high school thought it might be a fun activity to let the teenagers cut out paper hearts, put the name or wish of their valentine on the card anonymously, and hang them on a chainlink fence at the entrance of the school. Of course someone had to take them all off afterwards. So the day following V...

Too early for Valentine's jokes?

What did one volcano say to another volcano?

I Lava You!

Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.

February 14th.

If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember...

that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.

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“I hate Valentine’s Day”

Why’s that?

“Every year my husband brings home some shitty supermarket flowers and expects me to lay on my back and spread my legs.”

Can I recommend getting a vase?

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"

I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

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There's love without sex and there's sex without love...

Then there's You, without either.

Happy Valentines

Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

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A rich man and his butler discuss what they’re getting their wives for Valentine’s Day

The butler asks the rich man, “what are you getting your wife?”

The man says,”I’m going to get her a Range Rover and a pair of diamond earrings!”

The butler was impressed but asked, “why two gifts for your wife, sir?”

“So she can wear her diamond earrings while driving her Range...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Valentine's day haiku for you all....

Love is in the air,

So is coronavirus,

Wash your fucking hands.

To all the ladies and gents who aren't getting the V or the D in Valentine's day

Happy Alentine's Ay

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The #1 thing a guy wants for Valentines Day is Sex...

... And #2 is for his wife to not find out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boyfriend is getting me a dildo cast from his own penis for Valentine's day...

We're only doing small gifts this year.

Picked up two HOT girls on valentines day ...

First time i ever had two HOT GIRLS at the same time.

I love driving for UBER.

What do single people call Valentine's Day?

Happy Independence Day

Mothers have Mother's Day, fathers have father's Day, couples have valentine's Day

And I have palm Sunday.

My girlfriend wants me to take her somewhere that they make they food right in front of you for Valentine’s.

Subway here I come...

I bought my girlfriend vegetables on valentine's day

She thinks i'm corny

I’m not sure what this “Valentines Day” thing is...

Does it mean the day before “Half-Price-Chocolate Day?”

I love Valentines Day. The bottle of wine. The Heart-Shaped Ice Cream Cake...

Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching youtube videos.

Good times.

I'm finally going on a Date this valentine's Day

I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

For Valentine's Day I made a chart of past relationships....

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

What's the difference between singles and eggs on Valentine's day?

The eggs get laid!

What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day?





To remind single people that they are single.

What do you give a ghost on Valentine’s Day?

A booquet of roses.

Having your period on Valentine's day

Is a pain in the ass

My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.

So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.

For Valentine's Day I was woken up with an awesome BJ!

If only I could be posting this in any other forum.

Alright, guys. It's that time of year again: I'm planning on taking my girlfriend out for Valentines Day

Can anyone recommend me a good girlfriend?

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Seeing as it’s Valentine’s Day I popped the question this morning to my girlfriend.

“So you gonna take it up the arse or what then?”

In Latin America, Valentine's Day is called “The Day of Love and Friendship”

Because you want love, but she wants friendship

I am really struggling on what to get my girlfriend for Valentines Day.

I mean, I’d hate to get her the same thing as her Husband does. That would be embarrassing.

Its valentine and was asked to go out by 5 girls

Turns out l was in the girls bathroom

I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.

Eventually the post office fired me for it.

If you are not in love on Valentine's Day, don't worry.

You don't have to be dead on Halloween, either.

Valentine's day

Imagin how many people will be shaving tonight.

If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men?

Palm Sunday.

First time posting, please be gentle.

I received a bunch of flowers for valentines day, with the heads cut off

I think I was being stalked

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For Valentine's Day my girlfriend told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt...

... so I fucked her twice and hit her with a rock.

For valentine's day, I gave my wife a back-rub.

I told her, "Wow, they did a good job... when they removed your wings."
I kissed her forehead and whispered, "They did a good job on the horns too!"

Feb 14th, "Will you be my Valentine?"

March 14th, "Will you be my quarantine?"

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Got my girlfriend a toilet for Valentine’s Day

Didn’t want to deal with her shit anymore.

Valentines special! $500.00

We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Sunday.
It includes fishing license, poles, boat fees, tent, beers and all necessities for the whole weekend.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.

My Eastern European girlfriend bought me some flowers for Valentine’s Day.

They were from Russia with Love

I consider myself lucky, I celebrate Valentine's Day every year

My name is Valentine

My Valentine's day night

My wife came home and looked at me. She tells me totake off her blouse, so I did. Now take off my bra, so I did. Now, take off my pants and panties. I did that as well.

As I'm standing there naked see says stop wearing my clothes you're stretching them out.

People tend to give teddy bears as gifts for Valentine's Day.

The standard teddy or panda bears seem popular this year. I've got my girlfriend a koala bear because she loves them.

Plus, I don't know a better way to tell her that I've got chlymidia.

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What did you get your girlfriend for Valentine's day?

A T-shirt and a vibrator. If she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Valentine’s Day Poem, by Stevie Wonder

Roses are black,
Violets are black,
I can’t see shit,
Fuck.

What’s four inches long and not getting sucked on Valentine’s Day?

Whitney Houston’s crack pipe.

What kind of chocolate do you get a snake for Valentine's Day?

Hershey's Hiss

My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower.

"Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and...

My wife said she wants a divorce for Valentine's day.

I wasn't planning to spend that much..

My Valentine is like the square root of -100...

A 10, but imaginary

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A Happy Valentines Day From the UK.

Wishing you all a happy Valentines day from the UK.
also lovingly known as Steak and blowjob day.

or
For us Singles
Pornhub & Handjob Day

This Valentine's Day, I'm sending telepathic gifts.

Because it's the thought that counts.

A man and a woman on Valentine's day :

W: Where are you taking me to dinner tonight?

M: Nowhere, I don't take married women to dinner, ever.

W: But I'm your wife!

M: NO EXCEPTIONS !!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My hallway is absolutely full of Valentine cards today...

I really am a lazy bastard of a postman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just booked a table for me and the missus for Valentines Day knowing this is going to end in tears....

She’s shit at snooker

i want to buy my girlfriend a present within 200$ on valentines day any suggestions?

i also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 200$

(My only Valentines day related joke) If the Swan symbolizes happiness, what bird symbolizes true love?

The Swallow.

My wife told me "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace"

So I got her nothing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.

The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 o...

Finding love on valentine's day

Is the equivalent to finding santa at Christmas

A Valentines Poem

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Whitney Houston is dead
and iiiiiiieeeeiiiii will always love yoooouooooou

What do you get your mom for Valentine’s?

An Oedipal arrangement

I bought my girlfriend a pink vibrator for valentines day.

She told me as long as she has me she won't need it. I told her "actually that's what I'm here to talk about"

My wife asked for a spa day for Valentine's

I can't wait till she opens it and I tell her it's pronounced spade

How did the Star Wars fan spend Valentine's Day?

Solo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For Valentines Day, I’m getting anal.

My husband is going to clean the kitchen MY way, no matter how clean he thinks it is.

A man is shopping for lingerie at a Victoria’s Secret for his wife on Valentine’s day...

When looking around, he notices that as the prices of the lingerie go up, so does the skimpiness and how see-thru the fabric is. The most expensive item is $500.

Being in a good mood, the man decides to purchase the most expensive item.

He heads home to meet his wife and show her his...

This Valentine's Day, 1 in 3 people will be crying into a bag of popcorn while watching Netflix alone.

Not me, though. I can't afford a subscription.

I spent Valentine's Day the old fashioned way

Running around in a diaper shooting arrows at people

What’s the difference between you and a guy who dresses up in a toga & wings and shoots arrows at couples on Valentine’s Day

One’s a Cupid Stunt...

Why is it hard for Liam Neeson to enjoy Valentine’s Day?

Because all the girls are taken

19 minutes until Valentines

If I kill myself right now, I'll get flowers later.

The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless.

Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.

I need to get a valentine's card for my lactose intolerant wife

But they're all too cheesy

I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day..

Or you can just take the whole thing.

I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

I bought a lottery ticket on the way home on Valentine's Day...

...at least now I have a chance of getting lucky.

A brunette gets a bouquet of flowers for valentines day.

The other office women are admiring the flowers as they are delivered to her.

She then smirks and says to the crowd of women gathered around "I guess this means I will be spending the night with my legs in the air."

The blonde then says "Don't you have a vase?"

I'm worried about bees reading the valentine's I'm sending out

So in every one I made sure to put a "bee mine"

What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card?

"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"

Three wealthy men were sitting at a bar the day after valentines day

The first man declared: “I love my wife so much I got her something that goes from 0 to a 100 in 4 seconds!”

The other men were confused until he said: “I got her a white sports car!”

The other men smile and one of them responds: “Thats funny because I love her so much that I got her s...

My friends always ask me what I got my significant other for Valentine's Day...

Each year I tell them I got myself a nice new pair of gloves.

Had a great Valentine's Day! Almost had a threesome!

Just needed two more people!

.

Good^day^for^#369?

"My brother was telling me he received a Valentines day card today"

"Awe, he must've been thrilled. "

"No, not really, it was from his cell mate. "

Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.

The one says,” You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.“

“Oh, what’s it called?” asks the other man enthusiastically.

His friend thinks for a minute,” Uhm…I…er…”

Obviously having a senior moment he says,” What’s that flower...

Are you still Dating?

Before marriage you are Dating,

After marriage, you are Acommo-Dating!

Happy Valentines Day!

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