Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.



They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweis...

Repost of my favorite joke here: Everyone knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave ...

Dave Ja Vu

The nagging feeling that somehow, all of this has happened before.


To Dave.

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A math professor, Dave, has a problem with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

During my prostate exam the doctor put his hands on my shoulders and said "Dave, it's normal to get a hard-on while doing this."

"My name is not Dave," I replied.

"Yes, I know," said the doctor, "I am Dave."

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A college professor started to notice that Dave, one of his students, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome op...

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

He gave the robber his money and asked the robber to shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

He then asked, "Shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward".

After the robber ...

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A guy named Dave is hanging out with his friend Steve at a bar

Dave is really down in the dumps so Steve asks him what’s up.

Dave: “My wife has been making me pay for sex!”

Steve: “Really? How much does she charge you?”

Dave: “$50 every time!”

Steve: “Wow, you’re lucky!”

Dave: “Lucky!? How could you say that!?”

Steve: ...

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Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

Prostate exam

Patient bent over naked about to get his prostate checked.
Dr says "ok Dave don't get a hard on "
Patient says " my name is Kenneth"
Dr says " my name is DAVE"

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So this guy named dave...

Goes to his boss and says "Everyone in the world knows me." The boss says " Ok then lets see Tom Cruise." So they fly to LA go to Tom Cruise's mansion and knock on the door and Tom Cruise opens the door and says "Dave come on in and have a beer." The boss still doesn't believe Dave so he says "Let's...

Dave has died and is waiting in the queue to get into heaven.

As he draws ever closer to St Peter he can hear him asking people the same question.

"Denomination?" he asks a little old lady as she reaches the front of the queue.

"Methodist", she replies.

St Peter checks his notes and directs her to the eighth door on the left.

"Pleas...

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Guy talking to his mate Dave.

Guy: You still working as a part time comedienne Dave?

Dave: Yeah, I done a gig at the Alzheimer's society club,

they liked my first joke so much I told it again and again.

In fact I told it 25 times, this old bloke came up to me after

and said, I don't know how the fuck ...

I love the Dave joke so much I decided to write a sequel

At first Dave’s boss in in complete disbelief at Dave’s popularity. But he slowly comes to his senses. He reasons that Dave couldn’t possibly know *every* person. Nevertheless, if he wants to catch Dave, naming people out of the blue isn’t working. He has to come up with a new strategy. He sits down...

Poor Dave ...

Poor Dave had spent his life making wrong decisions. If he bet on a horse, it would lose. If he chose one elevator rather than another, it was the one he chose that stalled between floors. The line he picked before the bank teller's cage never moved. And so it went, day after day, year after year. T...

What will Dave Grohl say when his children start going back to school after the pandemic?

Walkin' to learn again....

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Dave cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

Ten years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife was pretty upset about it, but Dave and I were drunk and thought it was funny

A man finds a full grown gorilla in a tree.

Man comes home from work to find a big ole gorilla in a tree in his front yard. Thinking he's gonna need some help with this, he looks up gorilla removal services in the yellow pages. He finds Dave and Rosco's full time gorilla removal and calls them up.

Dave says he and Rosco will rush right...

Once, my mate Dave got kicked out of a hospital. When I asked why, he said

Apparently "Stroke Patients Here" meant something else.

My friend Dave was a single guy living at home with his Father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly Father died.

Dave wanted two things:

1. To learn how to invest his inheritance.
2. To find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ord...

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Dave moves to a new town

Dave moves to a small town for a new job. On Monday morning he passed a neighbor sitting on their porch and they wave to each other. This goes on for a couple of days. On Thursday, Dave stops and introduces himself. The neighbor Bob asks Dave if he wanted to come to a party this Saturday night. ...

Two scientists, Jim and Dave, walk into a bar...

... Jim asks for a H20.

Dave asks why he ordered it like that, and Jim says that they're scientists and so should present themselves as such.

Dave replies "whatever, I'll have a water too".

Jim watches the bartender get Dave's drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed.

Dave and his two friends are talking at a bar.

Dave and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."


His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the p...

Dave Mustaine Pitches a New Product to His Boss

After his presentation, his boss has a few words to say. "So you want to sell anti-war propaganda? I just don't see how that could be successful. You didn't even include a market analysis in your powerpoint. How am I supposed to get funding for this without any data? Where are you going to sell this...

A man is at a doctor's office about to have his prostate checked.

The doctor says "Okay, Steve, let's not get an erection again during the procedure." The man looks at the doctor confused, and says "My name isn't Steve, it's Dave." The doctor says "I know. I'm Steve."

By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded.

"Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "And he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loud that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "N...

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Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be t...

Dave: "My Dad says You're spying on us...!"

Zuckerberg: "He's not your dad"

I ran into the pub and shouted to my mate. “Dave! I’ve just saw your car being stolen."

He said “Didn’t you try to stop them?”

I said, “No, but don’t worry. I got the registration.”

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Stan and Dave, two avid golfers were on the 7th hole one day

And a large funeral procession passed by on the nearby road.
Stan interrupted his putting, respectively took of his hat and lowered his head as the hearse and mourners cars passed.
Dave very surprised at this, followed suit, admiring his friend's actions.
When it had passed, Dave said "Stan...

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Dave at the Clinic.

Doctor: Congratulations Dave Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Dave: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Dave: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me ...

Dave’s bestie passed away recently, and grieving before his grave he said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, Dave’s wife gave birth to a boy. As his child grew older each day, he realised he looks a lot like his best friend.

Dave’s really happy that his prayer worked.

Dave and his girlfriend are at a party on a hot day.

It’s a good party, everyone is having fun. And eventually the catering comes in, and everyone starts lining up to get their food and drinks. Dave’s girlfriend is feeling a bit tired, so Dave offers to go up and get her a drink. She happily thanks him and asks for some lemonade just to quench her thi...

A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died"

Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back"

The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already"
...

Dave Drowned

So at his funeral, we put a flotation device on top of his coffin.

It's what he would have wanted.

What did the crackers say to Dave Chappelle?

I’m Ritz Bits!

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A gentleman was waiting for his buddy at the pub,

but after an hour of waiting, he became irritated.

Low and behold, his friend Dave FINALLY arrived.

The gentleman asked; "what took you so long, I've been waiting here for an hour!"

Dave began to apologize and told him; "I'm sorry bro, I met this wonderful woman by the railway...

Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes

Genie: what will be your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich

Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?

Rich: I want a lot of money

Doctor: "Don't worry Dave, it's just a small operation"

Patient: "but doc my name's not Dave!"

Doctor: "I know, it's my name"

Hi my name is Dave I’m five feet, 11 inches

...Those are 2 different measurements!

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The story of Dave (Not my joke)

Once upon a time there was a man named Dave. Now Dave worked in a small business office where just about all his co workers knew each other well. One day, Dave’s boss wants to get to know him better so he invites Dave to go out to lunch. While they were eating lunch and talking about various things,...

Dave walks into a bar

He is served a pint of lager.
"1 penny please" said the barman
"1 penny? a pint of lager is just 1 penny? said Dave
"That's right, all beers are just a penny today" said the barman.
after he had about 5 pints, he asks for a bottle of wine
"That's also a penny a bottle, in fact you can...

My friend Dave drowned.

At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

My mate Dave's always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything

...but lately he doesn't seem like he's got a care in the world.

"Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?" I asked him.

"I've hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me," he replied. "Only costs me a grand a week."

"A grand a week? How the hell are you going to...

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I’m sure my mate Dave is having an affair with my wife.

He’s been a miserable cunt lately.

Dave was walking along the beach and saw a beautiful lamp wash up.

He rubbed it and a marvelous Genie popped out and his mother-in-law, Cathy, appeared.

The Genie stated, you have three wishes, but be careful what you wish for.. and whatever you get, your mother-in-law will get double. Cathy snickered at him and started rubbing her hands together. "It's abou...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

Dave: I’m making a documentary about my life.

Dave: And, I think you should play the role of my father.

Friend: I don’t want to be your father.

Dave: Perfect, you already know your lines.

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Dave is a well known, respected hunter, known to be the best in the state.

One night, he is sitting in a bar with some friends, and an out of state hunter stops in the bar.
He overhears Dave’s friends talking about how he’s the best and says, “there is no way he is the best hunter in the state!”

So Dave bets him that he can not look and guess what an animal was ...

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Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to like it, he'll be revived back on earth.

He enters a huge kitchen, packed with every kind of ingredient imaginable. Dave coul...

A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's tho...

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Dave comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note 'Off to the grocery store'. He hasn't been 'getting any' so he decides that this is his chance. He turns on the computer and starts scrolling through PornHub.

He starts to masturbate and before long he's about to climax. All of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the best blowjob of his life. Then, without a word, she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.

The guy is sitting there stunned and amazed a...

The man who kidnapped me was named Dave Green.

But everyone keeps calling him Mike Aptor.

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Dave gets shipwrecked and stranded on a small tropical island...

... he sets out to explore his new surroundings, and finds another survivor. It's Taylor Swift. He's a bit star-struck at first, but manages to pull it together enough to help her up off the shore.

He manages to build a hut for shelter, and starts a fire for warmth overnight, and finds edib...

Dave: [banging a pen on the table out of frustration]

Lady Boss: stop that, how would YOU feel if I banged you on the table?

Dave: I-

Dave: I don’t know the correct answer to that question...

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Mac and Dave are out hunting in the woods when Dave trips over something.

He looks back and picks up a lamp, buried in the undergrowth. As he gives it a quick rub, a genie pops out.

"WHO DISTURBS MY ENDLESS SLEEP!?" Booms the genie, "MY FURIOUS WRATH YOU NOW SHALL REAP!"

Mac helps Dave to his feet and pulls him away from the angered genie.

"Ta Mac",...

It was 10 years ago today that my best buddy Dave came running out of the room shouting “ it’s a boy!” with tears tears streaming down his face....

....We never went back to Thailand since!

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Dave walks into a bar and asks for 15 shots of whiskey.

The bartender is shocked. "Whoa, I gotta ask, are you celebrating something?"

Dave smiles and says "Yep! My first ever blowjob!"

"Oh, that's worth celebrating!" the bartender says, amused. "But damn 15 shots is a lot" he comments.

"Well" Dave says. "If that doesn't get the taste...

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Dave was suffering from a terrible headache, so he went to see his doctor, who was a recent medical graduate.

The young doctor listened to him carefully and told him, "Go home, lie down on your tummy, open your ass wide and ask your wife to pour some gin down your ass."


"What???" said Dave. The Doctor repeated patiently, "Go home, lie down on your tummy, open your ass wide and ask your wife to ...

"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Dave." "Dave who?"

Dave begins to sob uncontrollably as he realises his mother's dementia has worsened.

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Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

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Dave was thinking about men and woman and had an Epiphany.

He ran downstairs to tell his wife.

“Hey honey, I think I have figured out the difference between men and women!” Dave said.

“Oh?...” she replied with a concerned inquisition.

“Yeah see, it’s like wisdom vs intelligence. Guys, we’re pretty dumb, but we know how to handle tough s...

What does Johnny Depp, Dave Pirner and Matt Damon have in common?

They were all Winona Riders.

Last year, Dave asked his crush to be his girlfriend

This exact day 4 years later he asked her to be his wife


She said no both times

My grandpa has been condescending Dave and Ray Davies since the 60s...

I guess he’s really into Kink shaming.

Dave was doing push up in a garden noticed a man intently observing him...

Dave raised questioning eyebrows, the man said sorry to break it to you buddy but woman under you have long gone.

My mate Dave is into bestiality, BDSM and necrophilia.

Personally, I think he’s flogging a dead horse.

Farmer Dave and Farmer Bill are in a quarrel...

Bill decides to sneak over to Dave’s Farm and covers Dave’s wife with an assortment of leftover ham dinners.

The next day, Bill sneaks over again and places more ham onto Dave’s wife.

This happens everyday for the next week.

Dave’s wife is fed with being covered in ham and co...

Dad and Dave were out plowing the fields one day when they took a break.

Dad says, "How come you left a patch over yonder there Dave?"
Dave replies, "Well dad, that there is sacred ground coz thats where I had my first one."
"Oh, your first one hey Dave?Ok. What about that other patch over yonder? Is that where you had your second one?"
"No", says Dave, "Thats w...

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Tom walks on the street

Tom walks on the street and sees an old friend in a hurry with his hands full of books.

"Hey Dave. Long time no see. Where are you going with all those books?"

"I just enrolled in a university and I'm going home to study."

"And what are you studying?"

"Logic"

"Logi...

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So, there's this man named Dave and he's been a really successful doctor

However, lately he's been facing a little dilemma of wanting to have sex with his patients. One voice in his head says, "Oh come on Dave, there's probably been plenty of doctors who have done this before, it won't be any different if you do it too". The other voice in his head says "But Dave, you're...

What did Dave Grohl say when he dropped his GoPro into the ocean?

There Goes My Hero!

A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him and says, "Welcome to hell, Dave. First, the Wi-fi password is..."

Dave says, "Wait, you guys have wi-fi?"

Satan replies, "Of course we do."

"That's certainly not bad at all" says Dave.

Satan continues, "So, as I was saying, the wi-fi password is the numb...

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Dave : "My heart sank a bit as I came home from work and saw the plumber's van parked in our drive."

Friend : "ohhh hmmmm, and did you see anything disturbing?

Dave : "Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak."

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I was woken late last night about 3am

By my next door neighbor in a very revealing negligee, bra, thongs and high heel boots, and asking to borrow a cup of sugar.

I said, ‘fuck off dave, I’ve got work in the morning’.

Three guys are out fishing when Dave falls out of the boat and sinks like a stone.

The two left start panicking and pull in their rods but one is caught on something.
Pull him up,pull him up, they both heave till he is in the boat and not breathing.
I know mouth to mouth yells Steve and gets right down to business administering first aid to their fallen buddy Dave. After a c...

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Dave was born without eyelids so they circumcised him and used the skin.

This left him a little cockeyed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave is in the court because of domestic violence.

"These papers say you beat your wife with a hammer" says the judge. "Is this true?"

"Yes," says Dave.

"Disgusting son of a bitch," says a man in the audience.

The judge proceeds. "Then, two weeks later, you beat your wife's mother with the same hammer. Is this true?"

"Yes...

"The doctor said that I should touch myself whenever I feel like it."

"No, Dave. He said you could have a stroke at any time."

I have a list of friends who love palindromes!

Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, De...

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I got home from work last night and walked into the bedroom just in time to catch my wife's secret lover escaping out of the window.

After slapping the cheating bitch around a bit, I ran out of the house to catch the guy..

"He went that way." Informed my mate, pointing toward next door's garden.

"Cheers Dave." I said, as I scaled the fence in pursuit. "And get some fucking clothes on, you'll catch your death."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave comes home blackout drunk.

With his eyes barely open, he misses his friend Phil in bed on top of his wife.

He lies down and instantly passes out.

Phil panics and tries to run but the wife stops him and whispers:"Don't go, this moron is so drunk he won't even feel me plucking a hair on his ass."

The wife ...

Dave forgot his wedding anniversary

His wife was very upset.

Wife: " Tomorrow morning, I expect to find my belated anniversary gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds **and it better be there**"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure...

My friend Dave just turned 30 and was positively distraught. He said, ‘I don’t want to get any older!’

... so I killed him

So Pete, Joe, and Dave are planning their desert hiking/camping trip.

Dave ask Pete what he was bringing.

"Well, my tent, lil cooker, some water and a bottle of Irish whiskey... in case of rattlesnakes."

Dave ask Joe what he was bringing. "Water, sunscreen, my pack, extra socks and a bottle of Scotch whiskey... in case of rattlesnakes."

The two ot...

Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night.

Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night. Unable to move, he could do nothing to stop her slowly stripping down to her bra and pants in front of him.

She knelt on the bed, between his thighs and said

"Ok big boy, what would you like me to take off next?"

Dave gulped: "My...

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a priest, a rabbi, a horse, Dave, an infinite number of mathematicians, and the bus driver all walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave’s driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature calls.

He sees a little bar up the way and he pulls into the parking lot.



When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed! The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, ladies are dancing on the tables and there’s hardly standing room anywhere.

Banta scans the place a couple...

I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen. "Dave…" shouted my wife.

"Come away from the pond."

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