A general visits an army hospital to check on the conditions and inspire the troops.

Its WWIII, trench warfare is living hell, and the men could really use some inspiration. The general starts talking to the wounded soldiers.

He goes up to the first man and says: “What brings you in here son?” The soldier replies: “sir, I got dysentery in the trenches, something awful.” The g...

Have you inspired many people to become new-age, Celtic singers?

Cos you’re making me wanna be Enya.

They inspire people to get sick

Influenzers

Inspired by a tv show preview...

“Congratulations! You’ve just blown up The Bachelorette!”

Now that she’s fully inflated, she’s ready for your date night!

What inspires you to get out of bed every day?

My bladder mostly.

How i made 200k from home during lockdown

So just thought I'd share with you guys my success story, I was made redundant back in March. So there I was 30 years old and not a clue what was going to happen, then out of nowhere I had an opportunity to sell Avon, so there I was 30 years old, male, selling Avon... first month goes by and I make ...

Whenever I see Instagram models working out, I am inspired to do my own workout.

Unfortunately, it's only for my left arm.

My uncle always inspired me because he used to do what he loved.

Me.

Love

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school.

Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She name...

Heinrich, Beethoven's manservant, said to him one day: "Master, what is it that inspires you?"

"Why, you, Heinrich!" Beethoven exclaimed.

Heinrich laughed. "Oh, master, you are such a wit! A genius like you - with four great symphonies to his name already! - inspired by a dullard like me! Oh, that's a good one! Ha ha ha *haaa!* Ha ha ha *haaa*!"

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

I am really inspired by countries and companies that hire people with disabilities.

I am really inspired by countries and companies that hire people with disabilities.

Even people with learning disabilities and mental issues are able to get a job and make a living.

A great example of this excellent trait is the USA, where a disabled man is the president.

What do you call an operating system inspired by the Mother/Earthbound series that also doubles as a cry for help?

A Ness OS

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Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

Inspired by Money Heist: What do you call a bank robbery with no blood spilt?

A stainless steal.

What rests on the ground between my feet and is covered in ants?

My ice cream cone. =(

*Inspired by actual events.

Tall and strong women inspires me.

I can always look up to them.

Inspired by another Michael Jackson joke in the thread today . . .

How can you tell when Michael Jackson has company over?

Big Wheels in the driveway.

Kanye West inspires Donald Trump to become a rapper.

The name of his first album?

"*Orange Is The New Black"*

What did the Janitor call his safety warning inspired metal band?

Slip not.

Someone just tried to break into a famous Parks and Rec-inspired restaurant.

They wanted to rob Rob Lowe's low-cal calzone zone.

There are two kinds of people.

Those who don't understand exponential growth and those who explain it to at least two people from the first group.


(Inspired by covid. Yeah, I know it kind of sucks but I am posting it here with hope that someone will come up with a better wording in comments).

Socrates once said the love of pedagogy should inspire all those that teach to do so without compensation

He was later poisoned by the Greek Teachers Union

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A squirrel walks into a bar and asks for seeds.

The bartender hands him a plate of seeds and he tucks in. Once the squirrel is done eating he immediately begins masturbating vigorously.

"Hey!" the bartender shouts. "What do you think you're doing?!"

"I'm a squirrel," the squirrel says. "Look it up."

The bartender looks up 'sq...

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Inspired by a u/Goshfather writing prompts response

Kotopoulos and Alogos are sitting in a bar in ancient Thebes. Kotopoulos is speaking to his friend saying, “...So I’m looking both ways, and getting ready to cross the street, when all of a sudden—hey, Alogos! Why the long face? I’m tryina tell a story here!”

Suddenly the man sitting on the o...

A joke inspired by my 5 year old daughter who was trying to make up jokes.... why was the booger who was stuck in your nose so upset?

Because he wasn't picked yet.

Obviously this is where dad jokes and humor come from.

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Inspired by a church sign that read “Tell someone that they matter”

I pulled my daughter aside and said to her in my most sincere voice: “Unlike energy, you occupy space and possess rest mass.”

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What do you get when you cross

A rooster with a telephone pole?


A forty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.


You probably have to be my age to remember the commercial that inspired this one but I still like it and it's my cake day so nah nah.

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A joke that’s got me various death threats

So there was a horse, and this horse was really talented. He was great on guitar. One day he found himself watching youtube and stumbled upon a Jimi Hendrix song which inspired him to start a cover. He practised this cover really hard, eventually becoming inspired to create a cover of a whole Jimi H...

Four guys are driving cross country together.

One each from Idaho, Iowa, Florida, and New York.

A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from Iowa asks, "What are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "We have so many of these in Idaho they're laying around ...

While hiking at the Grand Canyon for the first time, my girlfriend was inspired by the view.

She confidently walked up to the edge and she turned to me and said "Ya know, I really want to make a difference. I really want to make an impact on this world."

...All she needed was a little push in the right direction.

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The horse, the cow, and the chicken[LONG]

So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, theyre inspired.

So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but the...

What do you call it after cowboys eat beans at high noon?

A toot-out at the O.K. Corral.

(Don’t be mean. Inspired by my 2 month old.)

Inspired by “Vulture Culture”: two vultures are boarding a plane, one of them is dragging a dead chicken. The gate attendant stops them and says:

I’m sorry sir, but this airline does not allow carrion.

John was on his deathbed

and his family was gathered near. Then his best friend Jim arrived and stood close to him. John's condition rapidly deteriorated and he motioned to something to write with. When offered, he quickly scribbled something and gave it to Jim. Out of respect, Jim placed it in his pocket as the nurses desp...

Professor: What inspired you to write this essay?

Student: The due date.

Some might doubt that TV shows inspired hundreds of thousands of people to raid Area 51 looking for supernatural beings

but I've seen stranger things

What medication that can make people inspire you?

Aspirin

sorry guys

Interviewer: what inspired your theory on gravity?

Newton: well, I fell off the toil—...............
Agent [leans into the mic]: an apple fell on his head...

This joke was inspired by a IRL event

I went to the kitchen, and I looked up through the skylight windows. I then noticed a plastic Rite Aid bag that was stuck in a tree.

My dad saw me looking up, and he asked me, "What are you looking at?"

I said to him, "There is a Rite Aid bag in the tree."

He asked me, "Do you ...

What happens when musician Gene Simmons opens up a jewelry shop inspired by his Israeli heritage?

Family Jew-els :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inspired by some of my favorite subs like r/earthporn and r/roomporn, I decided to start a sub built around the most beautiful thing I’ve ever photographed.

Now my main account has been banned and the FBI is at my door to ask me about r/newbornporn. I think I could be in some trouble here.

There once was a pirate captain who was regarded as the bravest person in his ship .

Every battle, when his crew reported to him that there was an enemy ship, he would say, “Bring me my red shirt!” Every time he wore that red shirt, his ship would defeat the enemy without fail.

This went on for a long time. Eventually, one deckhand became curious. “Captain,” he asked, “Why do...

Made this one up a couple months ago walking my daughter home from school after a snow day...

My daughter and her friend were telling me that they were building a chair out of snow at recess and it inspired this gem of a dad joke.

If a chair made of snow is a snair,
And a table made of snow is a snable,
What is a house made of snow?
.
.
.
.
.
An igloo of course...

Inspired by "A man walks into a bar with a labrador"

Made me think of this gem:

Why dont blind people go skydiving?

It scares the sh*t out of the dog.

Of all the people in my life that have inspired me to achieve greatness...

I would say the most inspirational was an obese man I saw cliff jump into the sea.

He had a massive impact.

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

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A horse is sitting at home bored on a Saturday afternoon... (long)

He decides its about time he gets into a new hobby, so he looks up the nearest guitar instructor, and gives him a call.

"Hey, can you teach me how to play guitar?"

The instructor replies, "well of course, its what they pay me for,"

"Well... there's just one problem," says the ...

Autocorrect Inspired Poem

It means no worries

For the rest of your days

Haiku na Mattatta

A holy man was feeling distraught one morning, so he sat alone in his church praying to God for guidance...[long]

The Good Reverend had been giving into indulgence far too often lately; drinking wine, his Tuesday night Poker games, and sneaking peeks at those unmentionable places on the Interwebs.

It had started innocently enough, but the priest was getting carried away and the guilt was finally getting ...

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Making yachts during the coronavirus lockdown

I have a friend named Pete who makes yachts for a living. Pete was quite worried about the virus as he thought not many people would be in the market for one of his nice boats. His yachts are big, sturdy, and beautiful, but primarily they're designed for big groups of people. Who's going to want to ...

This is a Mitch Hedberg inspired joke

So I was moving a refrigerator and I needed some extra strength. Instead of grabbing some Tylenol, I snagged a couple of Altoids instead. Cause I'll admit, I was curious...

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During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day this way:


"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake....

COVID-19 jokes are like pasta:

They're inspired by the italians, come in many forms, and redditors don't know how to make them from scratch.

Disillusioned with the Republican Party, Donald Trump gets inspired...

Disillusioned with the Republican party, Trump wakes up one day with an idea. Summoning Mike Pence to his office, he lays out his vision.

"Mike, the Republican Party is a relic of the past. We need to start fresh with a brand new party of loyal Americans."

"That's brilliant sir, but wh...

I made a (hopefully) original joke!

In 2019, the army had been at war with another country. In order to keep their troops healthy, they needed to monitor the submarine that carried supplies to where the others were located.

But there was a small problem. Every so often, there would be a defect in the submarine's engine that wou...

Millions of children are being inspired by seeing their first presidential election.

If a misogynistic con artist and a lying criminal can run for president, then so can that kid eating dirt on the playground.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Bear and A Rabbit (Inspired by Eddie Murphy)(Long and Dirty)

A Bear and A Rabbit are walking through the woods, when they come across a magic lamp in a clearing. Upon further investigation, and only 1 attempt to eat it, they release the genie inside who graciously grants them each 3 wishes.

Bear, who lives in the moment quickly says:

"I wish th...

Inspired by a recent ELI5: "Why is milk measured in gallons and soda in litres", I present this oldie...

Q: What comes in quarts?

.

.


A: Elephants

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