UPJOKE
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Cheer Jokes

Cheer up Hilary!

At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.

Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.

He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.

An innocent joke to cheer you up...

Lulu, a little girl asks her mum, "Mum, can I take Daisy (a dog) for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies "No, because she is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked Lulu.

"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

Lulu goes out to the garage and says,
"Dad,...

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s changed and his supporters all cheer in the dark.

I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue.

I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

Tried cheering up a customer

But he's not buying it

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows ba...

What do you say to a french man to cheer hm up ?

Beaucoup, to him, it means a lot.

What can you say to cheer up a time traveller?

"The past is yet to come."

Q: how big is it when someone cheers for you!

A: it’s about “yay” big.

Joke from 1980s sitcom Cheers

Diane: (to coach) can you name a car that starts with P?

Coach: Uh, Pontiac, Porsche ...

Diane: No, Coach, those cars start with gas.

My Wife needed something to cheer her up...

That's why I surprised her with a bukkake party. Everyone came. You should've seen her face.

Wife: I'm afraid our Neighbour died

Husband: Who, Ray?

Wife: It's inappropriate to cheer when someone dies


(My 7 year old came up with this joke)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A donkey walks into a bar, and everyone cheers. Why?

Because if he had passed it he would have been a bad ass lawyer

A short joke to cheer you up

Jeff told his friend: "I was named after my father."

His friend said: "But his name is John."
"Yes", Jeff said. "He was named that years before I was even born".

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

My wife was depressed so I bought her a trampoline to cheer her up

She's doing much better now but she still has her ups and downs.

Christmas Cheer

Just texted my Girlfriend to see if she was coming over tonight after her family Christmas celebration.

She texted, "Let me guess, Netflix and chill."

I responded, "No baby, I upgraded to Disney Plus and Thrust"

What does a cow say when its cheering for its friends?

I’ll give you some encowregment.


Just an average joke by my sister.

My creditors are cheering me on in my gymnastics classes

They called to talk about my outstanding balance

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

My son has been diagnosed with eczema, so I've made him a playlist to cheer him up.

Hopefully he likes Simply Red.

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

70 ways to cheer a person up

Person 1: I've had a rubbish day

Person 2: Well, it's your lucky day, because I have 70 ways to cheer you up!!

Person 2: Number 1, Give you a big hug.

Person 1: And the others?

Person: 69!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Looking for some jokes to cheer up my Grandmother

My grandfather recently passed away and I’ve became my grandmothers carer. She loves a good joke here and there however I’m quickly running out of material. Some examples of what she likes are..

‘A man walks into the doctors and says doctor doctor I have 5 penises. Blimey says the doctor, how...

President Obama and the Queen are proceeding towards Buckingham Palace in the Queen's carriage, waving to thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses.


The Queen turns to her guest, Mr President, please accept my regrets...

Feeling a bit depressed lately, a friend came over to cheer me up.

We sit and talk about things for awhile, but he's normally pretty awkward when conversation gets personal. Eventually, he gets up and walks to the other side of the room.

He grabs a bottle of scotch that I've been saving for a special occasion, so I ask him, "what are you doing? I don't thin...

There's a depressed king back in the 14th century

And nothing could cheer him up. Eventually the royal advisor hired a new fool to entertain the king. The clown was very funny, and most of the court laughed, but the king merely sighed, and then turned towards his advisor.

"I don't think this worked Henry, but I appreciate the jester."

Three cheers for mediocrity!

We’re number two!

I was kicked out of the hospital when I tried to cheer up Covid Patients.

All I said was "Don't worry, everything is going to be ok. Just stay positive".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

I cheered up my friend with necromancy

It really lifted his spirits.

My friend sent me a text saying he was feeling down and wanted to hear a joke to cheer him up

I told “Don’t worry, I’ll tell you a joke later, I’m with my girlfriend right now.”

He said “That was a good one, keep them coming!”

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him...

Whenever John’s daughter was sad, he found out to cheer her up he’d put out some paper and crayons.

After about fifteen minutes, his daughter would be all right again. But lately, she has been very clingy. So leaving the paper and crayons on the table didn’t work when she wasn’t happy.

“Tell you what,” John said, “If I’m gonna be carrying you now more often, I will give you a shoulder to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, “Don’t worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time.”

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, “I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we’re feeling dow...

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

A nice little cheer -

What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!

When do we want them?

NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nsfw An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife

Operator: "Emergency services how can we help you mate"

Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"

Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."

Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!"
*Hangs up

An optimist tries to cheer up his friend (long)

OK, this was way better in the original Russian, but I'm gonna give it my best shot in translation:

So these two guys have been best friends their whole lives, and did everything together--grew up in neighboring apartments, went to the same schools, went to the same university, even got marri...

I’ve been trying to cheer my unemployed friends up by telling them jokes

But none of them seem to work

Cheers to hindsight!!

....it's 2020..

Happy new years everyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

Just saw "Cheers: The Musical"

My Thoughts? A little too much Danson.



Also, some of the acting was woody.

A contestant made a meringue on Australian Masterchef and the crowd started clapping and cheering.

The host said, "This is very unusual for an Australian audience. They normally Boo meringues!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the reception a man stands up for his toast and starts speaking cheerfully.

- What a lovely couple you two are, just adorable. And so many wonderful wishes from all of your beloved guests. But if I may, I would like to wish something for myself. I wish for the bride to give me a blowjob.
The guest are shocked, the room goes silent and the groom, a hulk of a man, stands u...

Everyone cheered when Hercules cleaned the Aegean Stables.

Everyone except the people living downstream.

I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight.

Now I feel more down than I did before.

How does a redditor cheer up a sad freind?

By any memes necessary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cheers to me not fucking a single man in my 30 years of life!!

I only fuck married men.

how do you cheer up a puppy that's lost its tail?

retail therapy!

What do fans supporting The Culinary Institute of America cheer at their sporting events?

Die or Beat Us!

How NOT to cheer up your overweight girlfriend

My girlfriend was sad one day, and exclaimed "I look like a huge whale".

Being the compassionate caring man that I am, I said "no you don't, you're more like a medium-sized seal".

To my surprise she was not amused, or comforted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone got up and cheered when Bob was fired for sexual harassment.

It was a touching farewell.

Why are French cats always do cheerful?

Because they're always saying, "Le mao"

I suffer from depression, but my aunt, who dotes on me, always knows how to cheer me up

you could say she's the perfect auntie-dote to my misery

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

Why is everyone looking up and cheering?

They’re ceiling fans

What did the cheer leader say to the ghost?

Show your spirit

Can we please stop with the meta “because she’s dead” punchlines? I’ve been trying to read actual funny jokes from this sub to my mom to cheer her up but she hasn’t laughed at a single one of them.

Because she’s dead.

If you ever see a group of four cheerful men from Ghana...

...you're probably a goner.

Wife : "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment to cheer me up"

"You have perfect eyesight"

I dreamed this joke

Seems quite strange, but in my dream I came up with this joke, and upon waking it actually makes sense as a joke to my great surprise. Usually when you have flashes of inspiration in a dream you wake up and realise it made absolutely zero sense.

Here's the joke.

Two horses were best ...

What do you call an ant who cheers you up?

Antidepressant

I cheerfully exclaimed “el mundo” to my Hispanic neighbor

... it meant the world to her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

Told my Grandpa’s favorite joke at his funeral and it helped cheer some sad eyes..... What happened when the parsley workers went on strike?

Their wages were garnished.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around,

that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshore...

A circle walks into a bar. The bartender sees him, and waves, then shouts to the whole room, "another drink for everybody - on this guy!" Everybody in the pub cheers.

But the circle is not happy. Frowning, he marches up to the bartender. "What the eff, dude? Why are all the drinks on me?" , the circle angrily demands of the bartender.



The bartender replies, "hey, don't get mad, circle buddy. It's just ... you're round!"

My father was used to saying "Cheer up, things could be worse."

So I cheered up, and sure enough, things got worse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Kasparov beat Carlsen I cheered so loud I nearly lost my voice.

Now I’m a hoarse chess nut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

[Request] Need jokes to cheer up BIL after surgery with less than desired results

Hi /r/jokes!

My brother-in-law had major surgery on his fully functional leg two days ago. He came out of the surgery unable to move his foot. There is no apparent reason for the lack of foot functionality.

I am here to request a wide range of jokes about his foot. Clean jokes to d...

A cat walks into a bar...

A cat walks into a bar and sees an empty counter. He saunters up to the bartender and asks for a shot of whiskey.

The bartender looks at the cat and says, "Rough day, huh? Maybe you should try chasing a laser pointer. That always seems to cheer me up."

The cat glances at the bartender ...

I brought gifts to an orphanage to cheer the kids up

Apparently, blow up dolls are not consider toys especially after they explode.

Trump Finally Gets His Parade

One of Trump's aide says to him, "Sir, I had a dream you got your parade. It was miles and miles long winding through Washington DC. Joyful Americans lined the route, literally in the millions. People were laughing, cheering, playing in the street. You were riding in the most beautiful carriage."...

A cheers for women's underwear...

...they might not be the best thing, but they are the closest thing to it

What's the best way to cheer on an electrician?

You con-du-it!!!

Fun fact about composers!

Did you know the composers of classical music were the rockstars of their time?

It's true!

A lot of the showmanship we associate with popular musicians actually originated among classical composers.

For example, later in his career, Beethoven was known to start all his orchestr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and his dog walk into a bar, they order two whiskey, cheer and both drink it.

The waitress looks stunned and asks if there are other tricks his dog can do. The man answers ''Yes, he's very good at oral sex. The woman blushes and asks ''Really, can I try it?'' The man answers ''Sure'' and sends the dog and woman in a private room, the woman lies there naked and the dog looks a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar and yells, "Hey barkeep, how about a round of drinks for everyone here before the shit starts?"

Everyone cheers. Bartender says ok, and pours a round of beers for the whole bar.

A little while later the guy yells again, "Hey barkeep, how about another round of drinks before the shit starts?"

Everyone cheers louder. Bartender says ok, and pours another round of beers for the whol...

"What're you looking for?" the cheerful salesperson asked me.

I replied, "Because if I don't, I bump into things."

There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.

They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.

The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."

The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.

The old country man then goes, "Tim...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

How do you cheer up a brand new battery?

Remind him that he's full of untapped potential!

A moth walks into a bar, the bartender says cheerfully“Hey moth, how about a whiskey?”

The moth says no.
How about a beer? The bartender asks happily.
No, the moth says.
Ok, the bartender says, testily, how about wine?
No.
Shots?
No.
Fuzzy navel?
... no
Well what the hell do you want to drink? The bartender says angrily.
Nothing, says the moth.
Well if...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man broke up with his girlfriend and decided to go to Jamaica to cheer up.

He went to an all inclusive resort. He ate and drank like a king; the only problem was the beach outside the resort was a NUDE beach.

He was feeling self conscious because he had a tattoo of his girlfriend's name on his penis.

Erect it said "Wendy", but when flaccid, some letters got ...

A comedian was hired to cheer up a group of suicidal patients.

I hear his jokes killed.

Why was Cloud trying to cheer up Sky?

He looked a little blue

To cheer me up my fiancee got me tickets to Pearl Jam.

But three songs in I still wasn't feeling Eddie Vedder

I imagined the final strike. With a 300 point score, onlookers cheering my perfect game...

It was mind-bowling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best cheers at the bar!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, ...

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow:

Mind if I say a word?"
She says: "Please do."
The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."
The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."





Edit: thank you for the WONDERFUL cascade of follow on jokes below. Hilarious


Edit 2: First Gold. Cheers mate🥂

Hey Siri! My girlfriend broke up with me.

Oh no, I’m so sorry! Do you want a joke to cheer you up?

Sure.

What is the difference between you and a calendar?

What?

The calendar has dates.

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