A mans wife warns him if he comes home drunk after a night out again she'll kick him out.

He goes out with his mates to the pub with a promise to his wife he shall be home by midnight and will not get drunk. He gets to the bar, several hours and many drinks later, the man is in a terrible state.

He has thrown up over himself, fallen over and generally ended up blind drunk. His mat...

[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this

A horse walked into a bar

Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Latest scam warning.

Police are warning people of a new scam being perpetrated at various mall and supermarket car parks.

When the intended victim - almost always male - has loaded their shopping into their car they are approached by two or three female teenagers who will ask or beg for help. The story is usually...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WARNING THIS MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO RELIGIOUS PEOPLE THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING

Did Jesus die a virgin?
No he was nailed first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"WARNING"

Female aliens are kidnapping men with big penises this Christmas.

Obviously, you're not in danger but I am putting this on here to let you know, This spaceship is fucking awesome!!!

Merry Christmas redditers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rath...

Cop: I’m going to write you a ticket. If you stop acting so condescending, I’ll let you off with a warning.

Me: Don’t you mean condescendingly?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning! If you receive an email with a link called 'free porn' don't open it.

It is a flocking birus wich deactivates your spelchek and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it

Fair warning: This is a repost!

Joe and his wife Martha went to the annual show every year and each time Joe would say: “Martha, I’d like to ride in that plane.”

And every year Martha would reply: “I know Joe, but that plane ride costs $10, and $10 is $10.”

One year Joe and Martha went to the fair and he said: “Marth...

Why did the black referee give a warning to the Nascar driver?

Because he loved pulling out that race card.

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre.

Warning: scam

Some dude is selling what he calls an "Elixir for Immortality" in town. He came to me, suspiciously, with some of those bottles, but I refused, and contacted the police. They told me they know of this scam, and this person in particular. They said they've already arrested him multiple times for it. ...

Warning 18+ [NSFW]

19

My friend still hasn’t seen season 8 of Game of Thrones. And every time I try to broach the subject she just yells at me, “No Spoilers!” So I gave up on trying to warn her

That she shouldn’t name her baby, Khaleesi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

A man finds a lamp on a beach. He rubs it, and out pops a genie.

“I will give you three wishes,” the genie says. “But be warned: whatever you wish for, your ex will get twice that.”

“I wish for a fabulously large mansion,” the man says.

“Are you sure?” asks the genie. “Your ex will get a mansion twice as large, twice as opulent.”

“I’m sure.” ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning

being able to suck your own cock doesn't impress employers when they're looking for flexibility.

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, ‘Father,may I ask a favor?’

‘Of course child. What can I do for you?’

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electric hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes ...

I bought this old Russian car from a guy down the street from me... Little did I know it was fitted with a bomb and warning sound.

The explosion was like Lada-bing, Lada-Boom.

My boss warned me that I shouldn’t blow the whistle in the office anymore. He gave me one last chance.

But unfortunately, I blew it

My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.

When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot

(Long)

She walks in and the merchant shows her the only parrot they have available. "I must warn you" the merchant said, "this parrot was owned previously buy a sailor and has very foul language". Well the woman, like most of us, thought she could change the parrot so she takes the parrot hom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing..?

“A magic potion” she replies.

“Well what is it for?” he asks.

“This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer.”

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.

After a short...

A brunette, redhead and blond went to a remote fitness spa deep in the mountains for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded ...

A gynecologist warned me about the dangers of using slang too much, but I didn't listen...

Now I've got a yeets infection.

Warning!!! Don't look at the sun through a colander.

You'll strain your eyes.

I met a woman who warned me not to approach Dio.

If I did, he would stop time and flatten me with a steamroller.

I decided to ignore her and challenge him anyways.

As I lay there dying on the ground, I take solace knowing that the woman is laughing at me in such a way that she looks just as stupid as I do.

TL;DR... I'm no all-...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

The aircraft carrier captain saw a light

"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."

But the light flashes back "*YOU* turn to port to avoid a collision."

The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 war planes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! ...

A Lena and Sven Joke

Lena went to the doctor a few weeks ago with some problems that Sven had in bed. "Ya know, Sven hasn't been performing as well, I vas vondering what vi could do anything about it" The doctor said"I have this new experimental drug that increase performance, but I warn you it's experimental. Just slip...

How to deal with black bears and brown bears when hiking.

1. Always wear bells to warn the bears you are coming and not startle them into a charge.
2. Always carry bear mace and spray it in the air towards the bear because they have sensitive noses.
3. Always inspect bear droppings to tell what kind of bears are nearby. Black bear droppings mostly ha...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

A man was driving down highway 407 when a radio announcer said: “be warned of a car driving the wrong way along the highway”

The man, peeking out the window, scoffs to himself as he thinks “just one? All these idiots are going the wrong way!”

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A90 near Boston recently

Initially there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that va...

[WARNING OC!] What does a Mexican carpet fitter say to his donkey when he's late?

"Underlay Underlay Underlay!"

**WARNING: NOT FUNNY AT ALL WILL NOT MAKE YOU LAUGH**

Me: Wanna hear a joke about ghosts?

Friend: sure

Me: Thats the spirit

WARNING! To whom ever took my glasses!!!

I will find you, I have contacts!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, ...

Do you know who I am?

It was final exams for a senior level college class, and the exam counted as 75% of the grade.

The exam was also strictly timed.

5 minutes before the time was up, the professor gave a warning, "remember, 5 minutes left. When I say put your pencils down, you must do it, or you'll immedi...

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

How did the pirate warn his child about a fire he had set?

He yelled “Arson!”

Funeral homes really need spoiler warning signs on the front of their doors.

In case any baby attends.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Frenchman are walking through the jungle...

They’re very tired, and they decide to take a shortcut across a nearby river to quickly reach their camp.

As they cross the river, a tribe of savages charge out of the trees and surround them. The tribe Chief steps forward and says

“This river sacred ground... you trespass on sacred ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a stressful takeoff

The pilot forgets to turn off the mic and says to the co-pilot, "Damn, i could really use a hot cup of joe and a blowjob right about now!".

The air hostess quickly runs back, panicking to the cockpit to warn the pilots.

As she is running a passenger yells "Dont forget the coffee!".

WARNING! SCAM ALERT!

Be on the lookout for two very attractive women. They are hanging out around local food stores.

When you are putting your groceries away they ask you for a ride to McDonald’s. They are very convincing and very hot! Once in your car the one takes her clothes off and starts climbing all over yo...

A man comes to Jail.

His new cellmate warns him to drop the soap while showering. As expected, the new inmate falls down the Soap while showering. He looks around and wants to pick it up. Suddenly a big shadow appears. A bear of a man stands behind him and asks: "With spit or without?" The new inmate answers in total fe...

3 guys go to heaven

Three guys go to heaven. When at the gates, God encounters the three and welcomes them.

"Heaven has a lot of good things to offer, but I must warn you about the pink clouds. Don't ever touch them, or something bad will happen."

The three guys enter the gates and go for a walk

Af...

The forest animals are always drunk, so the fox bans alcohol...

The following day, the fox spies a rabbit hanging out of a tree, clearly wasted. The fox ticks him off, and carries on his way. The next day he sees the rabbit drunk again, and gives him a final warning.

The following day, the fox does his rounds and there's no sign of the rabbit, but he not...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

WARNING WILL CONTAIN ENDGAME SPOILERS

If falcon is the new captain america does that mean he is going to be captain falcon

You're gonna love this one

Guy walks into a bar, demands the absolute strongest drink the bartender knows how to make. The bartender warns him, "this is very strong, so sip it. It's the only drink you'll get tonight."
The man, ignoring the advice, chugs the drink in one gulp.
...falls off the stool, crawls out the do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Drunks. (warning: dirty)

Two drunks were standing around on the street talking. The first one says ,"Goddamn, Ernie I need a drink! I got fifty cents. How much you got?" Guy reaches in his pocket and pulls out 35 cents. "Damn, we can't get no drinks for 85 cents!" The first drunk thinks a minute and says "I got an idea. Let...

I’m sorry (warning dark joke ahead)

Why were the people in the twin towers so mad?






























Because they ordered pepperoni, but they got plane

Some travelers where going down a path when they stopped to ask for directions to a native...

He said," I would go that way to the forest. But, don't go this way." He said pointing to a path behind him. "There's a bacon tree." The travelers where very hungry and thought a bacon tree sounded pretty good to them. So, they ignored the native's warnings and went to the path behind him. But, all ...

WARNING: This post contains multiple instances of profanity.

profanity
profanity
profanity
profanity

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
...

A bartender told me that the actor from No Country For Old Men started a fight in his pub

I asked, "Javier Bardem"?

He said "No, but I gave him a warning"

Be warned, if you are in the shower, I may Pikachu.

But, it's only 'cause I'm trying to see the Jigglypuffs.

A couple had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Viagra warns you too go see a doctor if you’ve had an erection for more than four hours.

After four hours, the last person I want to see is a doctor.

-my favorite joke my grandfather has ever told me.

Two Irishmen are traveling to Australia.

Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie say...

*WARNING* SPOILER tag is SERIOUS!

Milk and eggs go bad quickly.

A Man Washes Up on an Island.

The natives are friendly and welcome him. He enjoys their hospitality, but notices the sound of loud drums in the jungle playing round-the-clock.

After a couple of days of this, he asks a native, “Why do the drums keep playing?”

The native says very seriously, “You don’t want the drum...

They warned me that my dad that workes for the highways department was a kleptomaniac.

I refused to believe it but when we went to his office, All the signs were there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.

He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before set...

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time and Julie whispers, "I should warn you, Ted, I've got acute angina."

Ted responds, "Your breasts aren't bad either!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot.

The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.

My wife and I were on our last warning with the landlord.

Then one day I phoned reluctantly and said, "Mate, I just did an enormous poo and now there's a blockage."



"Goodness me," he cried. "You guys can't do anything right can you? What has your wife said?"



I said, "Next time don't use the sink."

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic...

He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater...

I purchased this closed box full of bees, it has a warning sign which says

Be Safe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WARNING... Dad joke ahead.

This actually just happened.

Wife and Son are playing an intense game of battle ship.

Son: I-8

Me: I haven’t ate... I’m hungry

Wife: (not finding the humor)... miss... E-10

Me: Grammar Nazi.

A man finds a genie

As expected he is grated three wishes, but the genie warns him that he is known to be very sneaky and usually turns wishes against their favor.
The man decides to gamble and waste his first two wishes on ensuring he has a perfect
First wish, the man says
'I wish for you to be comple...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got really frustrated and my wife warned me not to cuss when the kids were around.

Me: This is such bull-

Wife: Shhh, say snake instead

Me: Oh right.. This is such snakeshit

Close one

If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2005:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2018:

1. A British prince gets married

2...

Don't step on a duck

St. Peter is assisting applicants to heaven three at a time. He's leading the latest trio around, showing them the best clouds, where to get the best harps, best wing cleaning service etc.

One guy has a complaint, though. "What's with all these ducks? They're everywhere and getting underfoo...

A little old lady is walking down the street,

dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill comes flying out of it onto the pavement.


Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says ...

They tried to warn us, it's finally happening, minorities herding white people into camps.

Here in Oregon we call them "music festivals"

Olie gets pulled over for speeding through town with a pig in the passenger seat.

So Olie gets pulled over by an officer of the law for running 100 mph through the middle of town with a pig in the passenger seat. The officer says "What in the world are you doing Olie? What's the hurry?" He says, "I"m just a trying to get dis here pig back to the farmer whose truck dis pig fell...

My wife warned me not to take the kitchen utensils.

But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

The local radio station reports that there’s a driver going the wrong way on the motorway

The man decides to call his gf to warn her about it

“I know, but it’s not just one” she says “there’s hundreds

A dog walks into a bar

As he sits down the bartender comes over “dogs are not welcome here, please leave”. Unperturbed the dog says “gimme a beer”, the bartender pulls a gun out from under the bar, points it at the dog “I’m not warning you again “. The dog simply will not leave so the bartender is forced to shoot the dog ...

I was trying to practice on my guitar by playing some rock and the homeowners association gave me a written warning for the loud noise

Guess paper beats rock again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I gotta warn you I’m kinda kinky

Guy meets a lady in a bar. They immediately hit it off and after a few drinks decide to take it to a hotel room. Before they leave the guy says “I gotta warn you, I’m into some pretty kinky stuff.” She giggles and says that’s fine and she’s looking forward to it.

They have their fun and whe...

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Con artist warning!

A warning to all the guys:
Two girls have been reported to steal men's wallets.
They use the following scam:
The girls wait in the parking lot of a big superstore. Once they have spotted their victim, they will ask him for a ride to the city.
One will get on the passenger seat, the other...

A hitman has a high profile Indian Businessman as a target

He receives intel that the Indian Businessman will have a quick exchange with another associate in a crowded marketplace at 1200 the next day. He is also given a description of the target and warned that the target will only stay for a few minutes at most. That night, the hitman sets up on the rooft...

A man and his wife go on holiday and find a hotel for the night

When they find one, the manager says they're welcome to stay there but it costs £100 each for the night.

That's a bit outside their budget so they politely turn it down and ask if there's anywhere cheaper in the area.

The manager says "Yes, in fact there is a hotel just up the road and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond.

The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 93 year old man is about to marry a 24 year old girl...

He goes to his doctor and asks for a Viagra prescription after telling the doctor his situation with an impending new young bride.

His doctor warns him: “ Given the length of time that you have abstained from sex, I’ve got to warn you- sex could prove to be fatal.”

“Doc”, says the old...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Forest Man

A lowly farmer was farming and minding his own business when a worried neighbour came by to give him a warning.

"There has been a wild Forest Man seen in the forest. He has little beady red eyes, and hair all over. Be careful, he might be dangerous"

The farmer shrugged and continued w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anyone can grow up to become President

I used to think this was just some bullshit my father told me for inspiration. Now I realize it was more of a warning.

A Good Man

A good man spends his life doing good deeds. One day he was flying back from Africa when his pane crashes near an uncharted island. He survives but is captured by cannibals.

The cannibals are prepping to cook him when he warns them.

"If you eat me, you guys are gonna feel sick and th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The priest and the nun.

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks prett...

My great-grandfather warned everyone that the Titanic would sink

He screamed that the ship would sink, but nobody would listen.

He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned them again and again... until he was kicked out of the cinema.

Honourable Minister

A man was taken to court for calling an Honourable Minister a pig.

It was his first offence and the Judge was in a good mood and decided to show mercy.

So he discharged him after warning him to desist from unguarded utterances in future.

The man removed his cap and thanked the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers

Will make your car look fucking stupid

John goes to the psychic. She warns him about this grave impending doom.

Fortunately, the psychic says, i have an easy fix. You just have to pay me $1000 and i will make this special bracelet for you, that will keep the evil at bay.

John - I don't have $1000.

Psychic - it's fine, for $500, i can give you a pendant that you can keep with you. It's not perf...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My priest got mad at me for drawing a risque woman showing her butt on a stained window, but thankfully he let me off with a warning.

Looks like I got a crass glass lass ass mass pass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the studentsclear out,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Men are stranded in the middle of nowhere as their car broke down.

They suddenly see a house in the distance and decide to seek assistance but decide to go individually as they do not want to alarm the home owner. So the first guy approaches the house and is greeted by the most hideous old lady he has ever seen and he asks "hey, is there by chance you have a teleph...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn't stop making oral sex jokes.

I said "That's hard to swallow."

My grandpa told me

He saw the Titanic.

At that time he constantly warned people the ship is going to sink, but no one would even give him the time of day.

My grandpa is the man. He wasn't going to roll over.

He kept warning over and over

until...

he was kicked out of the theatre.

This is a very NSFW joke. You have been warned

Standing on office chairs.

A warning to people with kidney disease.

Urine trouble.

My grandfather tried to warn people about the Titanic.

Before they set sail, he ran around trying to warn people that the ship would sink. No one would listen to him. Frantic, he kept yelling, “this ship will sink! This ship is going to sink!” Yet no one listened. Shorty after, we were escorted from the grounds and asked not to return. That’s the story ...

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

It's hard on your joints.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

I hear there's a tropical storm Karen heading for the US...

They have warn all department stores and fast-food joints in the coastal area to batten down their managers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sitting at home I heard on the radio there was a car travelling the wrong way down the road my Wife comes home on so I quickly phoned her to warn her..

'Honey please be careful, there's a car driving the wrong way on the road you come home on'

'One car? There's fucking hundreds of them!'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man finds an odd looking lamp on the ground one day...

The man picks the lamp up and rubs it, and to his surprise, a genie flies out.

"I will grant you one wish, and one wish only"

The man thinks, " What could I ever wish for, I have a great life."

The genie says to the man, " Life might be great now, but the odds may be against you...

Lose 10lbs in a week.

A man trying to lose weight saw an add in the paper for a program to lose 10 lbs in a week. Wanting to lose weight he called and signed up. They told him his work out would start at 7 AM. So the first thing in the morning he heard a knock at his door. It was a gorgeous blonde wearing nothing but a b...

A warning to other Men.

A pair of thieves is operating outside of Home Depot. Two young blonde hair, blue-eyed 20 year-olds have been pretending that their car has broken down, and need a ride home. Once the mark has let them into the vehicle, they begin to kiss and caress each other. They moan and grind against each other...

My great grandfather saw The Titanic and he warned everyone it would sink, but they all ignored him Time and time again he warned them

until they threw him out of the movie theater

A housewife buys a parrot from a pet store

At the counter, the cashier warns her that the parrot used to live in a brothel and picked up a lot of the language they used.

She takes the parrot back to her house and puts him in a cage. The bird looks around and says "New madame, new house." She's a little surprised, but likes it nonethel...

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further.

So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the s...

A guy says to his buddy, "I'm thinking about buying a labrador."

His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

David, a senior citizen, was driving along the M25 towards Edgware, when his mobile phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'David, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the M25. So please be careful.'
'Hell,' said David, 'It's not just one - there are dozens of them!'

My kids were driving me nuts one day so I got some tranquilizers and sure enough, right on the bottle, it says:

Warning! Keep Away From Children

Til: the United States dropped leaflets on Hiroshima and Nagasaki to warn of the nuclear attack...

I guess you could say they were the target audience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] WARNING to all men in Northwest England.

There is a scam going on in supermarket car parks all around the North West. The victim will usually be a male on his own and will usually be distracted by navigating the car park with shopping.

He will usually be approached by an attractive female in her early 20s as he enters his car. She ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning - Sexist joke: Women like strong muscular men because on a primal level those men make them feel protected.......

From having to pay for anything on their own.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning, Adblock will ruin your dating prospects

I installed it, and now there aren't hundreds of sexy women in my area waiting to meet me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's English class and a female teacher asks students to give her example of a sentence which contains "just in a case" in it.

The first student raises his hand and responds:

\- "There is no ongoing war, but we still keep the army, just in case"

\- "Excellent! Anybody else?" - asks the teacher.

\- "There is no fire but we still keep the fireman, just in case" - answers the other student.

Vova rai...

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