This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry, the doctors say I should be fine, but I must warn you -

.. the Dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name!

[Warning 18+]

19

Tornado warning in Texas!!!

Everyone evacuate to the Cowboys Stadium! No chance of a touchdown there

A man is up in court on a tricky litigation case, and his lawyer has warned him that the judge is very strict and correct. “He won’t stand for any nonsense and he knows all the tricks!”

“Well, would it help if I sent him a brace of grouse and a bottle of whisky?”

“Absolutely not!” says the lawyer. “He’s as straight as a die and completely in-corruptable!”

Come the day of the trial, the man wins his case easily, and afterwards says to his lawyer, “I knew that whisky an...

A Nun walks into Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room...

An English bishop was visiting New York and had been warned about quote-hungry American reporters.

As he was walking down the stairs off the plane, a voice amid the camera flashes called out "Hey, Bishop! Will you be visiting any strip clubs while you're in New York?"

The bishop gave a crinkly smile and said innocently: "Dear me, are there such establishments in this city?"

When he ...

A Christmas warning - be safe out there.

A warning to all.

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went on to shots. Not a good idea! Knowing I was over the lim...

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever ...

I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...

It went in one ear and out the other.

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink…

No one listened, but he kept warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema.

Warning: Dirt joke

It's not mulch, really.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting... [warning: offensive!]

\[I once killed a party with this joke. You have been warned!\]

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting.

The first mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mot...

Warning: Police are on the lookout for an overweight man who did not pay his entrance fee to the Boston Marathon.

He is believed to be still on the run

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning to all men about purchasing stuff on eBay. Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, be sure to check out the seller very carefully.

I just spent £95 + post and packaging. on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, "Do not use in direct sunlight."

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a Doctor's Office about his penis

A man walks gingerly into the office where he is met by a nurse with whom he speaks to

"Err, nurse? Excuse me, this isn't easy for me to say, but you have to promise you won't laugh"

"Well, sir, on my honour as a nurse and a lady, in my 20 years in this profession, I haven't once laugh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hunter goes to a forest, owned by a friendly old man, to try and hunt a bear

The old man warns him: - If you don't succeed on your task, the bear will fuck you in the ass.- He ignores him, goes up to the bear's cave, holds his breath, aims and shoots the bear, missing. The bear goes behind the terrified hunter and fucks him in the ass. The hunter runs away, humiliated, and h...

Crow deaths

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely ...

Sturgeon General's Warning:

Eating caviar is injurious to health.

Grammerly

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a miracle man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, ha...

A word of warning if you are thinking of getting a rescue cat.

My nan had a rescue cat. The other day she slipped and fell over.

The so called "rescue" cat just sat there and did nothing !

A gorgeous young redhead on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cinderella wanted to go to a ball one night

But her stepmother said she could not go. Devastated, Cinderella ran up to her room, sat on her bed, and started sobbing.

Not soon later, a fairy godmother came into her room via window. "Would you still luke to go to the ball?" The fairy godmother asked. "Yes!" Cinderella exclaimed. "Ok," t...

Selfridges in London are so kind. They warn their customers about the dangers of consumerism.

Outside a big door at the back there’s a sign saying "Goods Entrance".

A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears,

“Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.”

“So how d...

Warning! Had two covid vaccinations and still ended up in the ICU

Gor hit by a bus on the way out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

The CDC warns tomorrow could be one of the worst days ever for Covid.

Because after the inauguration people everywhere will simultaneously exhale.

Pretty dark you’ve been warned

Why does Obama give his speeches behind bullet proof glass? I know he’s black and all but I doubt he’ll shoot anyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

A man was taken to court for calling an Honourable Minister a pig

It was his first offence and the Judge was in a good mood and decided to show mercy.

So he discharged him after warning him to desist from unguarded utterances in future.

The man removed his cap and thanked the benevolent Judge profusely. ''Thank you, your lordship."

He conti...

Corona must have hit India hard...

I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.

Did you know that humans, like elephants have evolved a very specific call to warn others about bees they have encountered?

Want to hear what it sounds like?

-


-



-


“BEES!”

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a major flood warning in the UK

A lot of water is coming from Scottland pissing themselves in laughter

So this guy goes to a confectioner... (long)

(A confectioner makes objects out of candy or chocolate, in case you didn't know)

So this guy goes to a confectioner, placing an order for a VW Beetle made from chocolate. Scale, 1:32

"That won't be cheap" the confectioner says. "Money's no issue" the customer replies. "And it'll take ...

Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am.But due to covid regulations, swimming in the hotel pool is prohibited"

Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes"

Security guard :" Well, there is no prohibition about that".

My mother advised me not to marry an electrician

"Don't marry an electrician, he will take late night calls and plug himself into other women", my mother warned me.

"Don't marry a plumber either", she continued, "he will work on weekends and do other women's pipes".

"Don't marry a pizza boy neither. He will work on Friday nights and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.



Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.



The medicine man says, "I can cure this, but you can use this powerful healing only once a year! All you have to do is say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is speeding

A woman is speeding because she is late for work. Passing a bridge she sees a cop laying in wait. Sure enough he pulls her over and proceeds to write a ticket.

After asking about a warning ticket and getting turned down she lets the officer know it is important that she not be late for work t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a nun are going golfing...

The priest goes to the first hole, swings his golf club, hits the ball... and it just barely misses the hole.


"God dammit, I missed!" the priest says in anger, throwing his club on the ground. "If you keep saying that, the Lord is gonna strike you down" the nun warns, shaking her finge...

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

[Nerd Joke Warning] What Tea makes you original?

Novel-tea

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

Why is Texas called The Lone Star State?

To warn you about their Yelp rating….

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But t...

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

Genie of the lamp (repost warning).

Two neighbours, one rich, one poor meet at their fence.

The poor one is holding a cup of tea and a lamp : "Every morning, I rub this lamp and a genie comes out and asks : "What do you want?" . I usually ask for a cup of tea.

The rich neighbour gawks, "I'll give you my car and my hous...

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him

[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this

A horse walked into a bar

Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

Dad joke warning ⚠

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

I warned you.

I won a Gold medal! Wow! Thank you /u/ArticCamels! I appreciate you... Be safe out there.

Another Goldie! Y'all are too much! Thanks /u/PlatinumOmnivore! Take care!
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Health Violation

A man orders a hot dog with relish from a street vendor. The vendor grabs the dog with his bare hands and puts it on a bun. He then applies the relish with his fingers. The man pulls out a badge and says, "I'm the health inspector and I'm shutting you down!" The vendor pleads with the inspector and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cruise ship spies a seemingly deserted island in the distance...

(Warning: This is a joke that might only be understood by Jews. That said, it's a classic, and one that most Jews find to be extremely funny and spot on. If you're not Jewish, read on if you would like to glean some insight into Jewish humor and culture.)

 

So a cruise sh...

On a tiny island between Italy and Greece,

Maria and Nico were young, in love, and engaged to be married. On the night before they were to be wed, Maria’s mother sat her down to have “The Talk”. Knowing Nico’s Greek heritage, she counseled her daughter:

“Maria, mia bella figlia, if Nico ever asks you to turn over, you must say NO! Nic...

An old but timely parable / joke for our times

A river valley was flooding fast. A TV news bulletin warned residents to get to higher ground. But as everyone was evacuating, a smug Evangelist stood his ground and declared "I will pray to God to deliver me from this disaster!"

So he prayed.

Some time went by and the floodwaters ro...

I just read an interesting new warning on my shower cleaner:

"Keep this and all cleaning products away from children. If swallowed, get emergency psychiatric help and regurgitate the children before they are digested."

Don't look out these blonds at the supermarket

WARNING!!! SCAM ALERT!!!



You may find superhot blonds on Walmart. They used to hang out around the big 24 hr Supermarket car park. When you are putting your shopping away, they ask you for a lift to McDonalds. They are very convincing and very hot!

Once in your car the Blonde o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What a fish…

So, one day a monk goes fishing. He walks out on the pier, throws that line out there nice and good, and lets it rest for a bit. BAM! Fish on! And man, is he fighting! Falling over, sliding across the pier, no good! Some good Samaritans decide to help. They prop him up, and fight that good fight! Be...

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

...

All my friends came to visit me in the place I'm in for vacation even tho I warned them the weather is terribly cold

I was clear in my message "It's cool here, I'm chillin"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you...

What do you call a crab that, despite being warned, insists on driving intoxicated?

Very shellfish.

Vaccine Warning!

This happened yesterday and is important information for the boomer age group.
A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination center after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home.
When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should...

The scariest warning that you can read in braille

"Poisonous surface, do not touch"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Meeting the locals....

Tom had been in Police work for 30 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he retires from his job and buys 50 acres of land in the highlands of Scotland, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and does a food shop once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning about pick pockets

At the local supermarket, two young women are standing at the parking lot exit, asking for a lift.

Shortly after leaving the parking lot, they will start undressing each other and making out, before one of them offers to give you a blow job, while the other steals your wallet.

It happe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japanese Ministry of Artistic Affairs Warns the Art of Origami is in Decline!

More on this as the story unfolds.

Jesus will bite you...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
...

A man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly.

They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Khrushchev. The man is annoyed that he can't sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:

"Comrades,...

Dentist warns his patient, “This might be a bit painful.”

Patient: “That’s OK, I’ll handle it.”


The dentist sighs, “For a while now, I’ve been having an affair with your wife.”

A preacher is warning sinners in the high street

"The end is nigh!" He shouts at passers-by. And a guy shouts back at him "Nigh!!"
This puts him off a bit, but he carries on. "Be warned al you sinners, for the end is nigh!". And again the guy behind him shouts "Nigh!!" even louder.
This carries on all day until the preacher snaps at the guy...

Knock, Knock. Warning.

Warning.

If you receive a knock knock email. Do not open it.

It will be Jehovah Witnesses working from home.

Warning: Scat

Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop bop bodda bope
Bop ba bodda bope
Be bop ba bodda bope
Bop ba bodda
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop ba bodda bope

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes on safari in africa and his guide warns him about the curse of the Foo bird.

As they were starting out on their hunt, the man's guide warns him about the curse of the Foo bird which lives in this area. This bird flies overhead and takes enormous shits. If one lands on you, you must NOT wipe it off while in the Foo bird's nesting grounds. This dishonors our ancestors who wors...

Cursed Warning

High-Lactose Cheeses are just minigun ammo for Lactose Intolerant people

People warned me not to get a tattoo of anyone's name, in case I stopped loving that person after a week, month, year, etc.

Does anyone know of a really good tattoo removal service where can get my kid's name completely erased?

Warning! Nun pun...

They’re “creatures of habit.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. A turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going thro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone... He turns to his copilot and says: "I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess."

When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm down, he's taking a dump first."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Foul mouthed parrot

An old woman has a pet parrot with a filthy vocabulary. She warns him again and again to clean up his language. He just replies, "S\*!#w You, you old B\*\^$h.

So she grabs him and sticks him in the fridge to teach him a lesson.

As the poor parrot is there in the fridge, getting colder ...

Why couldn't Edward the whistleblower leave his house during the winter to warn the government of corruption?

He was snowed in.

Halloween joke:

Checked into an AirBnB. The owner warned me the sofa was haunted,
Turned out it was an upholstergheist.

Dark humor warning: What do cannibals call children?

The snack that smiles back

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “what was that?”The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”The girl slapped him soundly.“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.“Customer feedback.”

PSA: Police are warning against large amounts of fake $1 bills this holiday season

Look out for hot singles in your area.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:

A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:
“Name please.”
“Erm, it’s Johnny Wankenbrake.”
“Wanking-Break?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok, Address?”
“Well, my address is my work: Filthy Fingers Films on the Industrial Estate.”
“Right, look buddy, I’m not putting that in a report, take it easy - ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist

"I have a date this weekend with two smoking hot models. I want to be able to stay hard the whole time I'm with them. I'm looking for something stronger than Viagra!"

The pharmacist says "Well, I do have this new experimental drug. It works instantly and is guaranteed for three days without s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

An Italian young lady is about to go on a walk with her beau when he grandmother warns her...

She tells her granddaugter this:

He will try to kiss you, but you shouldn't let him, even if it feels nice, for it will dishonor you.

He will try to move his hands under your blouse or skirt, you may like it, but you must not let him do it, for it will greatly dishonor you.

H...

Misunderstood...

3 people (one is stuttering) decided to go on a fishing trip in a yacht.

They were in the sea for over 3 hours and were having a good time, when suddenly a ship was arriving at high speed with intetion of stoping.

The stutterer noticed it was trying to warn the others but was stuck...

My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.

When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.

Warning: Over 18 only!

19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31

Warning.... Dad Joke: What was Lloyd cited for?

Lloydering.

I'm taking a trip to the Amazon rainforest, but I was warned to look out for the head-shrinking indigenous tribes that still live there.

I'm not sure what the fuss is about. Who doesn't enjoy a little head?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy wants to experience some deep soul searching solitude...

He manages to hire an old abandoned sheep station in outback Australia. Tens of thousands of vast empty hectares stretching out to all the horizons.

As soon as the chopper drops him off, flies away and the dust settles, the quiet falls upon him. The distance recedes out endlessly in front of...

"Look Ma, no hands!"

Saudi Mother: "I did warn you about stealing!"

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

Dr: "I have some good news and some bad news Spiderman. The good news is that the constant tingling sensation isn't your Spidey sense warning you of some huge, impending calamity!"

"What's the bad news Doc?"

"Well son, what do you know about genital herpes?"

Road Signs Across The Country Are Warning Drivers Of Road Conditions

I C Y

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bull Testicles (this isn't necessarily NSFW but it's not for people who get grossed out easily so you've been warned)

My dad told me this a few years back

A tourist in Spain is in a restaurant near a bullfighting arena right after a bullfight.
There's a table nearby where a guy is eating a dish with two big balls in it and all around the table people are making merry.
The tourist got curious and asked ...

A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.

They were wearing robes and sandals, had shaved heads and holding up signs.

One sign read "The End is Near!"

The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"

He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.

He sped off round the co...

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic...

He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!

Apparently you have to wear clothes too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.

Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So, one of the ...

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the...

Nintendo has explicitly banned Chris Pratt from using method acting for the Mario movie

They have warned him that eating shrooms on set is both unprofessional and illegal.

Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

A man was pulled over on the side of the road for speeding.

The officer said, "Sir do you know why I pulled you over"

"No idea sir" the man replied.

"Well I've got you clocked here doing 78 mph, I'll need to see your license and registration"

Handing over his papers the man replies "Officer I had no idea I saw a sign that said 78 I thoug...

John is playing golf with the vicar

He misses a three foot putt, and says "damn, missed the buggar."

The vicar warns him "keep talking like that and God will open up the heavens and strike you dead with lightning."

John then misses a two foot putt, and repeats "damn, missed the buggar."

Sure enough, God opens th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst joke I can remember [nsfw] Warning: this joke is long and terrible

A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost. Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her! Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This one is a long one I'm warning you,

I made this one myself

You have 500 bricks. If the co pilot throws one off a plane, how many will you have left? 499

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? you open the refrigerator door, put the elephant inside, and close the door!

How do you put a giraffe into a re...

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii IS the early warning system.

To the person who stole my glasses,be warned,I'll definitely find you...

I've my contacts...

A street near Buckingham palace is being renamed to “Prince Andrew’s Close”

It’s not honorary, it’s a warning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

Six stormtroopers decided to play Russian Roulette.

They got away with a warning but had to pay for the damage.

Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon.

I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

My mum warned me not to steal any of her kitchen utensils. Little did she know..

it is a whisk i am willing to take...

Nobody warn you about the 3 rings of marriage.

The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I almost got arrested on my way to a Pistons game

I recently moved to Michigan because of my new job. It was a step up from my previous dead-end one and of course, more pay meant more work which is why I try to enjoy the little free time that I have.

Being a huge NBA fan, I decided to catch a Pistons game at the Little Caesar's Arena. Howev...

What do they call the lamp at the car factory that warns the workers that the engine is from eastern Europe?

The czech engine light.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning: no pun alert, I repeat: not a pun

A man from Serbia was working in Germany for about ten years now and he was getting nostalgic for his home country so he went to the boss and said to him: " Boss, I have been woking hard all of these years and I would like to have a 2 week vacation to return to Serbia". Boss approved his wish so he ...

The King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.

When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace.
"I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.
They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they we...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man hooking up with a lady warned her at the bar, "You should know I have a baby-sized Penis"

The lady says that's just fine and size doesn't matter.

They get to his apartment and he pulls down his pants, showing off an absolutely massive penis unlike anything she'd ever seen before.

"WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!" she shrieks in terror.

"I told you I had a baby-sized Penis...

My parents allways warned me to never ho through the cellar door and one day when i was fifteen i pushed it open and saw some incredible things i never saw before...

Like trees, and birds, green grass and the sun, my god it was beautiful.

A report came on the news that a maniac was driving the wrong way down the motorway.

I thought I had better give my grandad, who was visiting me, a call and warn him.
He said, "There's not just one, there's hundreds of them."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers

Will make your car look fucking stupid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WARNING... Dad joke ahead.

This actually just happened.

Wife and Son are playing an intense game of battle ship.

Son: I-8

Me: I haven’t ate... I’m hungry

Wife: (not finding the humor)... miss... E-10

Me: Grammar Nazi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man got lost in a forest,

after wandering around for a long time, he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost in this forest," said the man. "Can you let me stay in your house for the night?"

"Certainly," the old man said, "but on one conditio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

PS5 screenshot spoiler warning is cool

If someone sends you an unsolicited dick pic and if you have not seen that dick before, it will warn you before you open the picture.

Warning: Australian joke!

What's left after your local Woolworths burned down?
Coals

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.