My friend was so convinced of flat earth, he said he was going to Antartica to find the edge.

He came around eventually.

I finally convinced my hillbilly friend to get a Covid vaccination, but he doesn’t want Moderna.

He says, “ just because she sang some good pop songs back in the 80s don’t mean she knows how to make a vaccine!”.

I used to work for Chicken of the Sea, until a new supervisor became convinced that I was actually a tuna disguised as a human

It was because of this that I was later wrongfully canned

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was trying to convince my therapist that I don't hear voices in my head.

Eventually she pointed out that I don't have a therapist.

I did everything possible to try and convince my ex-wife to remarry me.

But she figured out that I was only after my own money.

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A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

My coworker keeps farting and trying to convince me that it was me who did it.

I think he's asslighting me.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.

But it's harder to deter gents.

I'll let myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke I’ve ever read on Reddit, one of the first I’ve ever read here too: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

A friend of mine is convinced that Van Gogh painted the Mona Lisa.

I just don't have the 'art to correct him.

Everyone is posting photos of people from the 1910's wearing masks to protect themselves from the Spanish flu to try and convince people to wear masks now...

Idiots. If masks work, then why are all those people in the pictures dead?

Don't let anyone convince you you can't do something because of your disability.

Beethoven was told he could never be a musician, but he didn't listen.

There were two Qanon believers who were absolutely convinced that Trump won the 2020 election

They were traveling together and were killed in a traffic accident. When they got to heaven, God met them and told them that he’d reveal anything about Earthly life they’d always wanted to know. They asked him how Biden stole the 2020 election. God looked kindly upon them and said, “Biden didn’t ste...

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I’m convinced I’m a sex addict

Everyone else tells me it hasn’t gotten *out of hand*

Two men are walking down the street when they see a dog....

Two men are walking down the street when they see a dog with one of its hind legs up in the air and it’s snout buried in its crotch. They stop for a moment as the dog furiously tongues its balls.... just goin’ to town on himself. The first man turns to his friend and asks, “Wow, man..... my wife is ...

I tried to convince my six year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally pee in your pants.

But he’s not believing it and still making fun of me.

So my friend was trying to convince me the earth is flat the other day...

Just kidding. He has no friends.

A 75 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!

Friend: "How did you convince her to marry you?"

Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"

Friend: "You said 58?"

Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

My coworker is convinced that the government has implanted a microchip in his brain, and is controlling his thoughts.

I told him it's all in his head.

Have you heard about the new flatbread conspiracy theorists?

They're out to convince all naan believers.

As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.

The Doctors were trying to convince me that

I'm actually a Swedish bloke who has forgotten his identity...

But I am having none of it. I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!

One day I convinced my brother to swallow a torch

It was worth it just to see his little face light up

My wife got mad after I tried to convince her that she'd agreed to let me buy a neon sign.

I guess she doesn't like gas lighting.

Doctors were able to convince 70% of the population about the importance of vaccination

Veterinarians are working to convince the 30%.

A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.

So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrass...

I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday, but every time I bring it up...

...she changes the topic...

My friend tried to convince me his colander can be used as a bucket.

I said the idea just doesn't hold water.

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

My friend gave a presentation trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.

He made some excellent points.

I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart.

They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama

All you gotta do is go to the nearest pub and find any man called 'Bob', then convince him to marry your mother's sister...

...and Bob's your uncle.

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A joke my dad, who is Polish, tells me all the time so I'm convinced it must be real funny

It is the cold war and there is a global military convention where each military boasts how their army is the best. After a long day of watching each country's army marching with their strongest and most masculine men, the generals sit down in the banquet hall. An American, German, and Soviet genera...

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

I've been reading a lot about the covid vaccine vs convalescent plasma. I'm 100% convinced

that the covid vaccine is easier to spell.

A group of robed people stopped me whilst I was shopping the other day and were really persistently trying to convince me to join the fight for good bacteria, eventually I got really sick of them, looked em in the eyes and said.. .

I'm not interested in Yakult

The sudden blurry vision, forgetfulness, and erratic behavior had me convinced I had brain cancer.

Neurologist said it was all in my head.

A particularly open-minded flat-earther started out on a journey, and decided he wouldn't stop traveling until he found evidence to convince him to change his worldview.

And eventually he came around.

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Real or Fake???

### Real or fake

I walked into the store the other day, and immediately noticed the girl working there. She was conventionally attractive and had really big breasts. I mean, really big.


I was just there to browse around, but I couldn't help myself. Something made me go over to th...

My friend tried to convince me "whey" is spelled "whfey"

There's no f in whey

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How To Convince Your Wife You Haven't Been Drinking

A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes,

"I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me."

The bartender says, "Don't worry,
here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, a...

I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no word in the English language with more syllables than vowels.

I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to accept criticism.

Me: "Dude! Help! I'm convinced that I'm possessed by the ghost of an American Civil War General!" Ed: "That's incredible! Are you sure, man?"

Me: "Nope, but 'Grant,' Ed - that's a good guess."

Ed: "Are you ever possessed by confederate commanders?"

Me: "General Lee? No."

My father looked me in the eyes and sagely advised, “ Son, find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”

“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”

Chris the tractor salesman

Ol' farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.

"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tract...

What did the head of WHO say when he was asked, "How did China's president convince you Coronavirus is under control?"

Xi blinded me with science.

A boy dresses up as a politician for Halloween

A boy dresses up as a politician for Halloween. His father speaks to him.

Father: What are you dressed as son?

Boy: I'm a politician dad!

Father: I'm not convinced, son. You haven't said anything controversial yet.

The boy pauses for a few seconds before speaking.

...

I'm fully convinced that Stalin's grave...

...is just a Communist plot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Timmy was in the classroom...

...and the principal was observing. The teacher asked pupils to give examples of food.

So all the pupils raised their hands.

"Pears" - said Mary.

"Bananas" - said John.

"Oranges" - said Sara.

and it went on like this for a while. "Very well" - said the teacher, rea...

I'm still convinced Jesus was actually Canadian

Why else would he always be asking his men if he could get an "eh"?

I'm trying to convince my wife to upgrade our yard so I wanted to show her on my chromecast people having fun on terraces so I yelled "Hey google, show me a movie of a wife enjoying a big deck with her friends" but I think google misheard me.

I just made it up after a couple of glasses

My brother was trying to convince me that it’s harder to win an argument with a buffoon than it is with a reasonable person....

I told him that people who are intelligent are going to come back with strong counter argument and sound logic — making it difficult to stump them... And of course he came back with this notion that at the end of the day if a foolish person is too prideful to ever admit they’re wrong, they can just ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

All these "Don't pay too much for [x]" Wikibuy/Honey ads are really convincing.

They convinced me to download Adblocker.

My friend is trying to convince me not to buy a Tesla because electric cars use up a lot of battery going uphill.

But that’s a hill I’m willing to die on.

A circle trying to convince a deadbeat dad to attend his son’s game:

“Sir, come for Ence.”

A tractor salesman shows up at Joe's farm...

The salesman approaches the farmer and says, "Good day to you sir! I'd like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what -- "

Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish man is on his deathbed

And he asks for a priest. "A priest?" asks his concerned wife. "Don't you mean a rabbi?" No, no." is he adamant, "a priest, a catholic priest." His wife, fearing he is losing his mind, is still not convinced. "What do you need a priest for?" "I want to convert." Wife is naturally shocked. "Convert? ...

My wife wanted to name our child Lever, and while I convinced her otherwise, I didn’t really like the other name she chose either, but oh well,

Better Nate than Lever

Belle was in the psych ward a was trying to convince the doctor to let her out.

She said “I shouldn’t be in here! Everyone agrees with me.” He raised an eyebrow and questioned, “Everyone? You’re alone in here.” Belle gestures around, “Everyone, you know, the tables and chairs, the clock all of them think I should go free.”

I thought someone stole my car keys, I looked for hours and was convince someone had grabbed them, later on I felt so stupid because I left them on top of my car

Turns out I lost them on my own accord

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NSFW: The Monkey and the Lion

There was a problem amongst the denizens of the jungle.

A monkey had recently been fucking all the different animals in the jungle against their will, save for the lions, as they are at the top of the food chain. Literally all the different animals had fallen victim to the monkey; he was ind...

I've spent all day trying to convince people on Reddit I'm French.

I give up.

My girlfriend convinced me that certain aquatic mammals don't exist right before she broke up with me.

She left me in otter disbelief.

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Why is Donald Trump convinced Jared Kushner is a genius?

He figured out how to fuck Ivanka.


(This was a series of comments on another thread that made me laugh so I thought everyone should hear it, but I can't remember the usernames so announce yourselves if you see this friends)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

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A businessman is called up for an IRS audit….

A businessman is called up for an IRS audit. He’s really flustered and goes to his accountant for advice.

“Make sure you dress up like a guy who is on the edge of losing money. It will convince the IRS that you are not hiding anything.”

Not satisfied, he goes to his lawyer. He is told...

A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.

The judge said 'Why did the police arrest you?'

The man replied 'For shopping too early.'

The judge said 'Well that's not a crime, how early were you shopping.'

The man replied 'Before the shop opened.'

A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.

He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s ...

My mom tried to convince me not to shoot myself

But you know how it is - In one ear, out the other.

A joke my late grandad used to tell me

2 men, Mr. Kent and Mr. Olsen are on the roof of a 20 story building. Mr. Kent turns to Mr. Olsen and says "The great thing about this building is that they've rigged it to prevent suicides". Mr. Olsen asks how and Mr. Kent says "If anyone jumps off the roof, something in the building pulls you in t...

It took me ages to convince the library staff...

...that I could be quiet.

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink an...

I'm trying to convince my cousin not to bring a bomb to school.

He thinks it'd be a real blast.

My car tried to convince me it was out of fuel, but I was able to keep driving it for another 30 miles.

I think it was gaslighting me

Four rabbis on a mountain

Four rabbis were having a disagreement over scripture. One of them is super sure of his argument so he takes the others to a mountain to ask God for a sign that he is right. A crack of thunder is heard, but this isn’t enough to convince the other three rabbis. On the next day, they still are arguing...

I'm trying to convince my wife that we should become polygamists.

If we married a housekeeper, baby sitter, and landscaper, we wouldn't have to pay them.

If you can convince a hooker to make eggs after....

Is she a bed and breakfast?

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A mental patient who believes that he is dead in the mental hospital where he is admitted

Therefore does not eat and does not participate in any vital activities, could not be convinced that he is not dead despite all the efforts made by all expert psychiatrists.

One of the psychiatrists, who understands that the patient will not give up on this decision and undertakes his treatme...

After a date a man convinces a women to go back to his place...

While they're driving back to his place she says:

- You know, I judge a man by how he unlocks the door of his home. If he does it roughly, I'm afraid of him, if he drops the keys, that means he is insecure. How do you do it?

- First, I lick the lock...

A mathematician is going through security check at an airport

When it’s his turn one officer suddenly starts jumping around exited and yells: “There is a bomb in this man luggage!” The mathematician is immediately arrested, searched and confined in a separate room. A while later authorities come in and ask him what the hell he was thinking, to which the mathem...

There's only one way to convince anti-vaxxers

Cold hard ~~facts~~ kids .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop trying to convince deaf people to make better decisions.

Those bastards just won’t listen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman is attempting to convince her professor to give her another chance

" I'll do anything you want!" the student exclaimed.

"Anything I want?" the professor asked.

"Yes, *anything*.". the student said in a low, seductive voice as she undid the top buttons on her blouse.

"Well, alright then! Are you free this weekend?" the professor asked.
<...

How do you convince America to join a war?

Tell them its almost over

I convinced my friend to not purchase a camouflage jacket.

It's something I couldn't see him wearing.

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy

What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

My friend tried to convince me that yoga is a workout...

I told him it’s a bit of a stretch


(Thought of this tonight during yoga)

I’ve been convinced: Trump really is trying to create more jobs

I hear the unemployment rate for military analysts in Iran is at a record low!

A farmer’s wife had an affair with a Maple Tree.

A farmer’s wife had an affair with a Maple tree. She was ashamed of her actions but her husband was always so busy with his farm work and rarely had time to tend to her needs. Once she became pregnant, the farmer had his suspicions, but after the baby was born, he was all but convinced the child was...

I was recently targeted by an organ donation scam

They tried to convince me that, for a small monthly fee, I could have priority access to organ donation from the recently deceased.

It was a dead giveaway.

So a New Yorker wishes to join the Taliban...

And they take him to their leader.

"Do you accept Allah as your God and Mohammad as your prophet?"

"Yes!"

"Will you jihad for the glory of God and his prophet?"

"Yes!"

"Do you believe that after you die, you will join your brethren in God's paradise where rivers of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A saloon was having a shooting competition

and a cowboy asked the bartender if he could convince people he had a dog that could shoot would the bartender give him free drinks for the rest of the night, as compensation for bringing in more guests.

The bartender agreed but asked how he'd convince everyone of that. The cowboy said he kn...

My doctor told me it's super common to get an erection during a prostate exam, but I'm not convinced.

After all, my old doctor never got one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally convinced my girlfriend to have sex on a haystack.

When we were ready, she said "Now we only need to find the needle."

My friends tried to convince me that I'm adopted, but there's no way I am.

I look so much like my fathers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The airplane was filled with people to the last seat, everyone was waiting for the pilot and co-pilot to arrive.

Finally they come. The people can see them through the windows, they get inside the plane and the passengers are freaked out. Both pilot and co-pilot are wearing blindfolds marking them as blind, have white canes with them and dark sunglasses. The people freak out a bit, but after both of them get i...

Why is it really hard to convince Egyptians?

Because they all live in de-nile...

My anorexic friends try to convince me they have a very serious disease...

But their arguments don't seem to carry much weight.

I recently started working for a charity that convinces local supermarkets to give us their expiring baked goods to donate to refugees and the local homeless. We're working in conjunction with local churches to help distribute donations. All of us are there voluntarily, after all..

It's a naan-prophet organization.

I have convinced my grandma that the baby boomers are as dependent on technology as us.

When she said " you millenials are so addicted to technology" I quickly glanced at her life support. That was the last time she said it.

My wife let me name our daughter, convinced I wouldn't give her a stupid name.

But I called her Bluff.

Did you hear about the deer that could not be convinced to go to the tannery?

It kept screaming, "I will not be suede!"

My hipster girlfriend keeps trying to convince me she isn’t a hipster

I think she’s just indie nial

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend is convinced he has the biggest balls in the world

He's so egotestical.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife keeps trying to convince me to stop competitively ejaculating

But I've come too far to quit now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife asks her husband to buy a guard dog for their house.

The husband goes to the pet store and asks the clerk for a guard dog.

"I'm sorry," says the clerk. "We're all out of guard dogs. But we do have a guard cat."

"A guard cat?" says the confused husband.

"Yes," replies the clerk. "Allow me to explain." He puts a carpet on the floor ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old mans son is trying to convince him to move into a nursing home after his wife died.

The son tells his dad that it'll be good for him, and he'll be well taken care of.

"They'll cook you good food, and clean up after you, and you'll make plenty of new friends."

The old man thinks about it for a few weeks, and agrees to go for few weeks to try it out.

On his first...

I convinced a bunch of people to blow themselves up on the street. Don't believe me?

Come c4 yourself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast.

Just so she could have a “titty tat.”

A scientist friend of mine tried to convince me that Ironman could actually be a woman.

He broke it down for me like this. Fe Male.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two rich kids are caught doing drugs by a cop...

The cop recognizes them and tells them: "Since you have parents in high places, I'm gonna offer you a propisition. In 3 days from now, I want to find other teens like yourself and convince them to quit drugs."

3 days have past, and the two come to the officer with their results.

The fi...

When he gets ill, and old man contacts a daughter he hasn't seen in years and convinces her to bring her family to meet him before he dies.

The woman and her son spend the better part of the day with him in the hospital, while her husband spends the day cleaning the old man's house and taking care of various logistical concerns.

When he arrives, he notices that while his wife is quite happy, their son looks miserable, so he pulls...

If a man convinces a woman to have a child with him and it turns out male...

Is the child considered a son of a pitch?

A preacher's wife comes home from shopping with a very expensive dress.

The preacher cringes when he sees the dress. "We're on a budget, remember?"

"I know we're on a budget," replies the wife, "but the devil himself went shopping with me. He convinced me to try on the dress."

The preacher facepalms. "When that happens, you're supposed to say, 'Get behind ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend finally convinced me to try this new French restaurant in town. Everything went great, except my escargot was WAY too chewy.

I'm telling you, it was tough ass snails.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you convince a gorilla to have sex with a pig?

Fired from the zoo, apparently.

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.

Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to *their* store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.

The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's c...

[OC] My wife was trying to convince me that, one day, we'll all be making phone calls and sending text messages from wrist-mounted devices.

This made me upset. I exclaimed "not on my watch!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend tried to convince me that he wasn't constipated, but I'm not buying it.

I think he's full of shit.

What did The Terminator say to convince his girlfriend to move in with him?

Live with me if you want to come.

I’m an Anti-vax and I don’t care what you think.

I’m sick and tired of seeing people who are anti-vax getting bullied on social media. We have good reasons to feel this way and simply bad mouthing us or attacking us is not going to change our mind. We will not be silenced.

I for sure will never have one again. No chance, no matter what you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's some soldiers in Vietnam.And they've been pinned down in their trench for days. ( Dark Joke )

Finally one guy says,"Fuck this I really have to pee guys. Lay down covering fire, i'll run into the bushes.When I'm done I'll give a signal and you can give me covering fire while i run back."

So they lay down fire, and he runs off into the jungle.

But he's gone for a good half an hou...

Dude bet me he could convince me to give him my wallet... and it worked.

I had to hand it to him.

Judge: Defendant, where's your lawyer?

Defendant: After I finally convinced him that I didn't stole those 5 millions, he left me...

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