I hear that it's easier to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods

but it's harder to deter gents.

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I’m convinced I’m a sex addict

Everyone else tells me it hasn’t gotten *out of hand*

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

One day I convinced my brother to swallow a torch

It was worth it just to see his little face light up

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

I tried to convince my six year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally pee in your pants.

But he’s not believing it and still making fun of me.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

My coworker is convinced that the government has implanted a microchip in his brain, and is controlling his thoughts.

I told him it's all in his head.

Don't let anyone convince you you can't do something because of your disability.

Beethoven was told he could never be a musician, but he didn't listen.

My wife got mad after I tried to convince her that she'd agreed to let me buy a neon sign.

I guess she doesn't like gas lighting.

A tractor salesman shows up at Joe's farm...

The salesman approaches the farmer and says, "Good day to you sir! I'd like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what -- "

Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and wit...

So my friend was trying to convince me the earth is flat the other day...

Just kidding. He has no friends.

I've been reading a lot about the covid vaccine vs convalescent plasma. I'm 100% convinced

that the covid vaccine is easier to spell.

The sudden blurry vision, forgetfulness, and erratic behavior had me convinced I had brain cancer.

Neurologist said it was all in my head.

My friend tried to convince me his colander can be used as a bucket.

I said the idea just doesn't hold water.

A group of robed people stopped me whilst I was shopping the other day and were really persistently trying to convince me to join the fight for good bacteria, eventually I got really sick of them, looked em in the eyes and said.. .

I'm not interested in Yakult

All you gotta do is go to the nearest pub and find any man called 'Bob', then convince him to marry your mother's sister...

...and Bob's your uncle.

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A joke my dad, who is Polish, tells me all the time so I'm convinced it must be real funny

It is the cold war and there is a global military convention where each military boasts how their army is the best. After a long day of watching each country's army marching with their strongest and most masculine men, the generals sit down in the banquet hall. An American, German, and Soviet genera...

My friend gave a presentation trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.

He made some excellent points.

I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday, but every time I bring it up...

...she changes the topic...

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Two rich kids are caught doing drugs by a cop...

The cop recognizes them and tells them: "Since you have parents in high places, I'm gonna offer you a propisition. In 3 days from now, I want to find other teens like yourself and convince them to quit drugs."

3 days have past, and the two come to the officer with their results.

The fi...

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The airplane was filled with people to the last seat, everyone was waiting for the pilot and co-pilot to arrive.

Finally they come. The people can see them through the windows, they get inside the plane and the passengers are freaked out. Both pilot and co-pilot are wearing blindfolds marking them as blind, have white canes with them and dark sunglasses. The people freak out a bit, but after both of them get i...

I'm still convinced Jesus was actually Canadian

Why else would he always be asking his men if he could get an "eh"?

A particularly open-minded flat-earther started out on a journey, and decided he wouldn't stop traveling until he found evidence to convince him to change his worldview.

And eventually he came around.

I used to work for a used computer sales shop. I tried to convince my boss to have a 9/11 sale, 2 towers for the price of 1.

It didn’t fly.

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

I'm fully convinced that Stalin's grave...

...is just a Communist plot.

A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.

So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrass...

What did the head of WHO say when he was asked, "How did China's president convince you Coronavirus is under control?"

Xi blinded me with science.

One of my friends convinced me to make a vision board

When I finished it he looked at it for a minute and said "You envision yourself as a Jedi, fighting off giant mutant squid, armed with lasers?"

"When I take enough Peyote and LSD, that's one of my tamer visions."

Me: "Dude! Help! I'm convinced that I'm possessed by the ghost of an American Civil War General!" Ed: "That's incredible! Are you sure, man?"

Me: "Nope, but 'Grant,' Ed - that's a good guess."

Ed: "Are you ever possessed by confederate commanders?"

Me: "General Lee? No."

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An Indian walks into a grocery store...

He's approached by a store associate who asks him "can I have a moment of your time?" The man agrees and the associate explains to him that they are asking customers to try out a new brand of toilet paper and to come up with names to call it based on their experience. So he convinces the man to try ...

My father looked me in the eyes and sagely advised, “ Son, find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”

“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

I'm trying to convince my wife to upgrade our yard so I wanted to show her on my chromecast people having fun on terraces so I yelled "Hey google, show me a movie of a wife enjoying a big deck with her friends" but I think google misheard me.

I just made it up after a couple of glasses

A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.

He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s ...

All these "Don't pay too much for [x]" Wikibuy/Honey ads are really convincing.

They convinced me to download Adblocker.

My brother was trying to convince me that it’s harder to win an argument with a buffoon than it is with a reasonable person....

I told him that people who are intelligent are going to come back with strong counter argument and sound logic — making it difficult to stump them... And of course he came back with this notion that at the end of the day if a foolish person is too prideful to ever admit they’re wrong, they can just ...

I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart.

They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama

A circle trying to convince a deadbeat dad to attend his son’s game:

“Sir, come for Ence.”

I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no word in the English language with more syllables than vowels.

I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to accept criticism.

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The 3 ex drug addicts

So 3 ex drug addicts (let's call them Jim, Mike and Bill) volunteered for a week to try to convince as many junkies as possible to ask for help to fight their addiction. They were given by the local authorities 2 photos, one showing a small circle and one showing a big circle and they were told to u...

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How To Convince Your Wife You Haven't Been Drinking

A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes,

"I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me."

The bartender says, "Don't worry,
here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, a...

Belle was in the psych ward a was trying to convince the doctor to let her out.

She said “I shouldn’t be in here! Everyone agrees with me.” He raised an eyebrow and questioned, “Everyone? You’re alone in here.” Belle gestures around, “Everyone, you know, the tables and chairs, the clock all of them think I should go free.”

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink...

My girlfriend convinced me that certain aquatic mammals don't exist right before she broke up with me.

She left me in otter disbelief.

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America wants to repay its soldiers after the Afghanistan war.

After the Afghanistan war was over, America decided that every soldier can choose a certain part of their body to be measured, and they will get as many thousands of dollars as the lenght of that body part.


First soldier wants to be paid his hight. He will be measured from the tip of his ...

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Why is Donald Trump convinced Jared Kushner is a genius?

He figured out how to fuck Ivanka.


(This was a series of comments on another thread that made me laugh so I thought everyone should hear it, but I can't remember the usernames so announce yourselves if you see this friends)

How do you get a trump supporter to wear a mask?

Convince them to storm the capitol building

3 turtles named Joe, Jeff, and Jimmy decide to go on a picnic

They pack, chips, sandwiches, and soda, and start to walk to their picnic area. The spot is 5 miles away, and it takes the turtles 10 full days to get there. Once they get there, they realize that they had left the bottle opener, and thus could not open the sodas. They nominate Jimmy to walk back an...

My friend tried to convince me "whey" is spelled "whfey"

There's no f in whey

My friend is trying to convince me not to buy a Tesla because electric cars use up a lot of battery going uphill.

But that’s a hill I’m willing to die on.

Doctor Joke

A fellow had been not feeling well for some time and finally his friends and family convinced him to go to his doctor. His doctor examined him and told him he wanted to run some tests to determine just what his problem was. After exhaustive testing the doctor told him that he would call him with the...

I kept having these crazy dreams where I woke up covered in Tyre tracks...

My Psychiatrist is convinced I'm a 'cycle-path'

Joseph Smith's Guide to wealth

Step 1: “translate” an “ancient text” “God” sent you to write.

Step 2: Convince everyone all other churches are fake and God only speaks to you!

Step 3: Prophet!

My wife wanted to name our child Lever, and while I convinced her otherwise, I didn’t really like the other name she chose either, but oh well,

Better Nate than Lever

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Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

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My Cake Day - My Favorite Joke - Everybody Knows David!

Everybody knows Dave!

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, ...

I thought someone stole my car keys, I looked for hours and was convince someone had grabbed them, later on I felt so stupid because I left them on top of my car

Turns out I lost them on my own accord

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

I’ve been convinced: Trump really is trying to create more jobs

I hear the unemployment rate for military analysts in Iran is at a record low!

A teenager is feeling insecure about his looks.

His mom tries to convince him that he's a beautiful boy, but he keeps answering that she can't say anything objective because she's his mom. At some point, the mom has enough and tells him :

- You know what? I wanted to go see my old friend Sabrina who didn't see you in like 10 years with you...

I'm trying to convince my cousin not to bring a bomb to school.

He thinks it'd be a real blast.

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.

Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to *their* store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.

The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's c...

My car tried to convince me it was out of fuel, but I was able to keep driving it for another 30 miles.

I think it was gaslighting me

A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.

The judge said 'Why did the police arrest you?'

The man replied 'For shopping too early.'

The judge said 'Well that's not a crime, how early were you shopping.'

The man replied 'Before the shop opened.'

My mom tried to convince me not to shoot myself

But you know how it is - In one ear, out the other.

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A young woman is attempting to convince her professor to give her another chance

" I'll do anything you want!" the student exclaimed.

"Anything I want?" the professor asked.

"Yes, *anything*.". the student said in a low, seductive voice as she undid the top buttons on her blouse.

"Well, alright then! Are you free this weekend?" the professor asked.
<...

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

There's only one way to convince anti-vaxxers

Cold hard ~~facts~~ kids .

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy

What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

I'm trying to convince my wife that we should become polygamists.

If we married a housekeeper, baby sitter, and landscaper, we wouldn't have to pay them.

What do you call a cat that tries to convince you to pet it?

Purr-suasion

If you can convince a hooker to make eggs after....

Is she a bed and breakfast?

I've spent all day trying to convince people on Reddit I'm French.

I give up.

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead

Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
“There” says the vet,” Your hamster is dead”.
Still not ha...

My best friend told me he was planning on naming his son "Square Root of 2".

Luckily his wife managed to convince him that would be completely irrational.

A church has a job opening for..

a bell ringer. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.

They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.

The n...

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I finally convinced my girlfriend to have sex on a haystack.

When we were ready, she said "Now we only need to find the needle."

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Stop trying to convince deaf people to make better decisions.

Those bastards just won’t listen.

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A young man has sex for the first time

The young man was very nervous about having sex with his girlfriend for the very first time, because he was convinced that his penis would be too small.

Eventually he realized that he could not postpone it forever and he nervously invited her over to his house..

Hesitatingly he starte...

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A Catholic Irishman is on his deathbed.

He calls for his son, and tells him "My boy, go fetch the Anglican Pastor, I wish to convert before I die". His son is shocked! The father has been one of the most prominent Catholics in the community, he made large donations to the Church every year, attended Mass every day, and was close friends w...

A old Woman goes to the doctor

She says to the doctor, "I have a really embarrassing problem and I have finally convinced myself to come and see you"

"You see, I constantly fart, but they don't smell and they don't make any noise so it hasn't bothered me all these years. I've even farted three times since coming into your ...

After a date a man convinces a women to go back to his place...

While they're driving back to his place she says:

- You know, I judge a man by how he unlocks the door of his home. If he does it roughly, I'm afraid of him, if he drops the keys, that means he is insecure. How do you do it?

- First, I lick the lock...

My friend tried to convince me that yoga is a workout...

I told him it’s a bit of a stretch


(Thought of this tonight during yoga)

Did you hear about the deer that could not be convinced to go to the tannery?

It kept screaming, "I will not be suede!"

My doctor told me it's super common to get an erection during a prostate exam, but I'm not convinced.

After all, my old doctor never got one.

I convinced my friend to not purchase a camouflage jacket.

It's something I couldn't see him wearing.

I recently started working for a charity that convinces local supermarkets to give us their expiring baked goods to donate to refugees and the local homeless. We're working in conjunction with local churches to help distribute donations. All of us are there voluntarily, after all..

It's a naan-prophet organization.

I am anti vax and I don’t care what you think...

I am sick and tired of seeing people that are anti vax getting slandered on Facebook .

We have good reason to feel this way and simply attacking us or bad mouthing us is not going to change our minds. We will not be silenced.

I for sure will never have another one again. No chance, I...

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Guy goes to a therapist. He says, "Doc, I live in constant fear that I'm a grain of corn and there's a giant chicken out there who wants to eat me."

Doctor says, "That's obviously absurd."

The doctor works with the man over the course of three years to finally convince him that he's not a grain of corn that a giant chicken wants to eat.

Finally cured, the man leaves. He's back the next day. The doctor says, "Why are you back."
...

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[NSFW] A American businessman takes a trip to Japan

An American businessman travels to Japan for a very important business meeting that will make or break his career. He realizes that sealing the deal for their business will not happen in the board room and so he agrees to join them afterwards for a night out on the town.

After a night of dri...

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I’ve been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast.

Just so she could have a “titty tat.”

My friends tried to convince me that I'm adopted, but there's no way I am.

I look so much like my fathers.

I have convinced my grandma that the baby boomers are as dependent on technology as us.

When she said " you millenials are so addicted to technology" I quickly glanced at her life support. That was the last time she said it.

My wife let me name our daughter, convinced I wouldn't give her a stupid name.

But I called her Bluff.

How do you convince America to join a war?

Tell them its almost over

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The ultimate revenge ( long)

Melville was 10 years old and he loved clowns. When he heard that the circus was coming to town he did everything he could to convince his parents to take him so he could see the clowns. They eventually agreed and when the day arrived he was incredibly excited! He was on the edge of his seat with an...

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My girlfriend finally convinced me to try this new French restaurant in town. Everything went great, except my escargot was WAY too chewy.

I'm telling you, it was tough ass snails.

I’m not convinced that condoms are safe.

My friend was wearing one and he got hit by a bus!

A scientist friend of mine tried to convince me that Ironman could actually be a woman.

He broke it down for me like this. Fe Male.

My anorexic friends try to convince me they have a very serious disease...

But their arguments don't seem to carry much weight.

The Chicken House Joke

A little boy and girl were playing outside on the farm when it started raining so they ran into the chicken house. They had a lot of fun in there so it became their favorite place to play.
Several years later, the girl said “I think we should stop playing in the chicken house.”
The boy aske...

When he gets ill, and old man contacts a daughter he hasn't seen in years and convinces her to bring her family to meet him before he dies.

The woman and her son spend the better part of the day with him in the hospital, while her husband spends the day cleaning the old man's house and taking care of various logistical concerns.

When he arrives, he notices that while his wife is quite happy, their son looks miserable, so he pulls...

[OC] My wife was trying to convince me that, one day, we'll all be making phone calls and sending text messages from wrist-mounted devices.

This made me upset. I exclaimed "not on my watch!"

What line convinced the seaweed to receive therapy?

"Stop it, get some kelp"

What did The Terminator say to convince his girlfriend to move in with him?

Live with me if you want to come.

My mom was trying to convince me to eat some cereal yesterday

I told her, “No mom, I’m done with life.”

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With every passing day, I’m getting more and more convinced that Jews are running this country.

I just moved to Israel a few weeks ago.

Everyone knows Frank. [Long]

One day, Frank and Fred were chatting and Frank said ”Oh ya, I know everyone.” And Fred failed to believe him, so Fred replied “I don’t believe that you know EVERYONE. I’ll bet $100 you don’t know Mayor Marabell.” Upon hearing this, frank replied “Oh ya! We went to highschool together!“ Fred decided...

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Two prawns named Christian and Jason are swimming together on a reef

Being near the bottom of the food chain, both are in danger of being eaten and are constantly scared of any larger fish. Christian loves his life despite the odds, but Jason is unhappy. He wishes to no longer be scared. "Wouldn't it be great if we were the top of the food chain?" Jason says, "imagin...

I convinced my son if he didn't try to keep me cool during Summer he wouldn't be written into my will...

Apparently I'm now a bad father simply for wanting some heir conditioning.

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