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Convince Jokes

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.

But it's harder to deter gents.

I'll let myself out.

I am convinced that all junk drawers are connected.

For every person saying "What's this?", there's someone saying "I'm sure it was in here..."

Stop trying to convince me to visit Northern Canada.

I'm having Nunavut.

My son was convinced that our house was haunted.

"Would sleeping in bed with your mother and father help you to sleep better?" I asked him.

He said, "But mum died three years ago."

I'm now convinced that we live in a simulation, and my ex-girlfriend was a bug.

Because she disappeared after my cash was cleared.

How to Convince an Orthodox Christian Family to get a Dog?

Tell them it's a Cross Breed.

In a few minutes, a hypnotist convinced me that I’m a metal with atomic number 82.

Turns out I’m ….easily lead.

My friends convinced me I was too drunk to drive my car and to take the bus instead...

...Turned out I was too drunk to drive that, too.

My friend is convinced there's no way of knowing whether the chicken or the egg came first.

He's a real eggnostic, that one.

My friend tried to convince me "whey" is spelled "whfey"

There's no f in whey

A man is convinced is wife is going deaf, but she won't admit it. So he decides to test his theory once and for all.

While she's standing at the sink, he stands about six steps behind her and says, "What's for dinner, dear?"

When there's no answer, he steps a few steps closer and repeats the question.

Again there's no response, so he moves right to his wife's shoulder and asks: "What's for dinner, de...

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

I've spent all day trying to convince people on Reddit I'm French.

I give up.

John is trying to convince Fred how smart his dog is. "Pretend to shoot it," he says.

Fred points his fingers at the dog and says "Bang!" The dog does nothing.

"See," says John, "He knew you were only pretending."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is trying to convince me she doesn’t poop.

I think she’s full of crap.

Wife convinces husband to make a play list for when they're in the bedroom.

Wife: OK what's the first song you want?

Husband: Spiderbait - Black Betty.

Wife: I don't know that one. I look forward to hearing it. What's your next song?

Husband: The playlist doesn't have to be that long.

A Pepsi exec convinced several of his competitor's employees to smuggle out their secret recipe.

He was arrested on charges of industrial espionage.

The others were charged as Coke-conspirators.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How To Convince Your Wife You Haven't Been Drinking

A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes,

"I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me."

The bartender says, "Don't worry,
here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, a...

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What does sushi have in common with anal?

You either love it, hate it, or you're scared to try it. And if you hate it, people keep trying to convince you that yours just wasn't prepared properly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was trying to convince my therapist that I don't hear voices in my head.

Eventually she pointed out that I don't have a therapist.

Today convinced me that society isn't deteriorating as much as we think.

I was on the bus at 6am and this really generous guy offered me a sip from his half-empty whiskey bottle.

When i have my first child I’m going to make him read all the Harry Potter books and convince him he is also a wizard.

On his 11th birthday he will receive his hogwarts letter (written by me) and i will then take him to kings cross station and say nothing as he runs at the wall between platform 9 and 10.

What do you call it when the Air Force tries to convince UFO witnesses they saw natural phenomenon?

Swampgaslighting

I tried to convince my friend I saw a snow monster for the second time today

Yeti still didn’t believe me

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My friend is convinced he has the biggest balls in the world

He's so egotestical.

A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.

So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrass...

How do you convince America to join a war?

Tell them its almost over

My siblings have been trying to convince me to get a beard, but I’ve been reluctant until recently.

Now I think it’s grown on me.

My friend was so convinced of flat earth, he said he was going to Antartica to find the edge.

He came around eventually.

Don't let anyone convince you you can't do something because of your disability.

Beethoven was told he could never be a musician, but he didn't listen.

A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.

He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s ...

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How does a Navy Captain convince his sailors to stop pissing off the back of the boat?

He gives them a stern talking to.

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

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How did Spartacus feel after his girlfriend convinced him to try cunnilingus for the first time?

Gladiator.

The French mathematician really tried to convince the antivaxxer,...

"but 'e is not rational."

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A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"

He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, w...

My friends tried to convince me that I'm adopted, but there's no way I am.

I look so much like my fathers.

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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

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I’m convinced I’m a sex addict

Everyone else tells me it hasn’t gotten *out of hand*

I'm fully convinced that Stalin's grave...

...is just a Communist plot.

Why is it really hard to convince Egyptians?

Because they all live in de-nile...

I did everything possible to try and convince my ex-wife to remarry me.

But she figured out that I was only after my own money.

A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.

The judge said 'Why did the police arrest you?'

The man replied 'For shopping too early.'

The judge said 'Well that's not a crime, how early were you shopping.'

The man replied 'Before the shop opened.'

A friend of mine is convinced that Van Gogh painted the Mona Lisa.

I just don't have the 'art to correct him.

I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no word in the English language with more syllables than vowels.

I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to accept criticism.

I'm still convinced Jesus was actually Canadian

Why else would he always be asking his men if he could get an "eh"?

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A koala bear is smoking a blunt in a tree

A lizard comes along and says “what are you doing?”. The koala bear says “I’m getting high man”. The lizard responds “what do you mean?”…. Rather than explain it to the lizard the koala bear convinces him to partake of the blunt.

Shortly after partaking, the lizard says to the koala “dude my ...

One day I convinced my brother to swallow a torch

It was worth it just to see his little face light up

My coworker keeps farting and trying to convince me that it was me who did it.

I think he's asslighting me.

There's only one way to convince anti-vaxxers

Cold hard ~~facts~~ kids .

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.

"Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear."

The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days."

The next morning, the priest requeste...

So my friend was trying to convince me the earth is flat the other day...

Just kidding. He has no friends.

My friend has been trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.

He makes some very good points.

It took me ages to convince the library staff...

...that I could be quiet.

My mom tried to convince me not to shoot myself

But you know how it is - In one ear, out the other.

My friend tried to convince me his colander can be used as a bucket.

I said the idea just doesn't hold water.

If you can convince a hooker to make eggs after....

Is she a bed and breakfast?

I convinced my friend to not purchase a camouflage jacket.

It's something I couldn't see him wearing.

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...

I finally convinced my hillbilly friend to get a Covid vaccination, but he doesn’t want Moderna.

He says, “ just because she sang some good pop songs back in the 80s don’t mean she knows how to make a vaccine!”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop trying to convince deaf people to make better decisions.

Those bastards just won’t listen.

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

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Why is Donald Trump convinced Jared Kushner is a genius?

He figured out how to fuck Ivanka.


(This was a series of comments on another thread that made me laugh so I thought everyone should hear it, but I can't remember the usernames so announce yourselves if you see this friends)

I tried to convince my six year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally pee in your pants.

But he’s not believing it and still making fun of me.

My friend tried to convince me that yoga is a workout...

I told him it’s a bit of a stretch


(Thought of this tonight during yoga)

A 75 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!

Friend: "How did you convince her to marry you?"

Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"

Friend: "You said 58?"

Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

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My wife keeps trying to convince me to stop competitively ejaculating

But I've come too far to quit now

A circle trying to convince a deadbeat dad to attend his son’s game:

“Sir, come for Ence.”

I'm trying to convince my cousin not to bring a bomb to school.

He thinks it'd be a real blast.

I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday, but every time I bring it up...

...she changes the topic...

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

All these "Don't pay too much for [x]" Wikibuy/Honey ads are really convincing.

They convinced me to download Adblocker.

There were two Qanon believers who were absolutely convinced that Trump won the 2020 election

They were traveling together and were killed in a traffic accident. When they got to heaven, God met them and told them that he’d reveal anything about Earthly life they’d always wanted to know. They asked him how Biden stole the 2020 election. God looked kindly upon them and said, “Biden didn’t ste...

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I finally convinced my girlfriend to have sex on a haystack.

When we were ready, she said "Now we only need to find the needle."

I’ve been convinced: Trump really is trying to create more jobs

I hear the unemployment rate for military analysts in Iran is at a record low!

I've been reading a lot about the covid vaccine vs convalescent plasma. I'm 100% convinced

that the covid vaccine is easier to spell.

My anorexic friends try to convince me they have a very serious disease...

But their arguments don't seem to carry much weight.

A man is totally convinced he is dead.

His wife and kids do everything to try and convince him that he’s not dead. They take him to a doctor and for months every day the doctor shows him charts, studies, graphs, and statistics showing that dead men do not bleed, and finally the man is completely certain that dead men do not bleed.
...

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A young woman is attempting to convince her professor to give her another chance

" I'll do anything you want!" the student exclaimed.

"Anything I want?" the professor asked.

"Yes, *anything*.". the student said in a low, seductive voice as she undid the top buttons on her blouse.

"Well, alright then! Are you free this weekend?" the professor asked.
<...

I was involved in a car crash last night.

As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.

The Doctors were trying to convince me that I'm actually a Swedish guy who has forgotten his identity...

But I am having none of it. I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!

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President visits an asylum convinced there must be some sane people committed at the asylum.

He comes upon a well-dressed man in his forties sitting under a tree and praying. Thinking the man looks normal the President asks the man what was going on and the man says, “Please don’t disturb me. I am the last messenger and prophet.”

The President realizes the man must be bat shit crazy ...

My coworker is convinced that the government has implanted a microchip in his brain, and is controlling his thoughts.

I told him it's all in his head.

Belle was in the psych ward a was trying to convince the doctor to let her out.

She said “I shouldn’t be in here! Everyone agrees with me.” He raised an eyebrow and questioned, “Everyone? You’re alone in here.” Belle gestures around, “Everyone, you know, the tables and chairs, the clock all of them think I should go free.”

I used to work for Chicken of the Sea, until a new supervisor became convinced that I was actually a tuna disguised as a human

It was because of this that I was later wrongfully canned

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A joke my dad, who is Polish, tells me all the time so I'm convinced it must be real funny

It is the cold war and there is a global military convention where each military boasts how their army is the best. After a long day of watching each country's army marching with their strongest and most masculine men, the generals sit down in the banquet hall. An American, German, and Soviet genera...

I convinced a bunch of people to blow themselves up on the street. Don't believe me?

Come c4 yourself.

My friend Pierre tried to convince me to do drugs with him.

It was really hard, but I managed to resist Pierre pressure.

I knew I could convince my wife to get an Abortion...

All she needed was a shove in the right direction... and a set of stairs.

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A young man has sex for the first time

The young man was very nervous about having sex with his girlfriend for the very first time, because he was convinced that his penis would be too small.

Eventually he realized that he could not postpone it forever and he nervously invited her over to his house.

Hesitatingly he started ...

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A mother tries to convince her son to go to school

Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up, “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”

Son: “Awww Mom! I don’t want to go to school.”

Mom: “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”

Son:
“One, all the children hate me.
Two, all the...

What did The Terminator say to convince his girlfriend to move in with him?

Live with me if you want to come.

What did the head of WHO say when he was asked, "How did China's president convince you Coronavirus is under control?"

Xi blinded me with science.

My mechanic tried to convince me that my car needs new brakes

But I know that it would just slow me down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you convince a gorilla to have sex with a pig?

Fired from the zoo, apparently.

I'm convinced that my wife is cheating.

She swears it's just skill.

Dude bet me he could convince me to give him my wallet... and it worked.

I had to hand it to him.

My girlfriend convinced me that certain aquatic mammals don't exist right before she broke up with me.

She left me in otter disbelief.

After a date a man convinces a women to go back to his place...

While they're driving back to his place she says:

- You know, I judge a man by how he unlocks the door of his home. If he does it roughly, I'm afraid of him, if he drops the keys, that means he is insecure. How do you do it?

- First, I lick the lock...

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My friend tried to convince me that he wasn't constipated, but I'm not buying it.

I think he's full of shit.

A scientist friend of mine tried to convince me that Ironman could actually be a woman.

He broke it down for me like this. Fe Male.

My wife let me name our daughter, convinced I wouldn't give her a stupid name.

But I called her Bluff.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

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A businessman is convinced by a work colleague to go out for a drink after work... 'OK, but just the one mind you, my wife gets terribly upset if I come home drunk!'

After a couple in the pub near the office he is talked into heading up town for some more drinks. At each new round of drinks he mentions that he shouldn't drink any more or his wife will make his life hell!


Finally they decide that they've had enough to drink and head for the train stati...

Everyone is posting photos of people from the 1910's wearing masks to protect themselves from the Spanish flu to try and convince people to wear masks now...

Idiots. If masks work, then why are all those people in the pictures dead?

A man is convinced that his wife is seeing other men.

He questions her about it, and she denies her guilt, but he is adamant that he will catch her. A few days later the man goes off to work, and as soon as he leaves, her current lover slips in the back door. The man doesn't notice that when he took off his jacket, one of his cigars fell out of his poc...

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How did Oedipus convince his mom to have sex with him?

He 'incested'.

I have convinced my grandma that the baby boomers are as dependent on technology as us.

When she said " you millenials are so addicted to technology" I quickly glanced at her life support. That was the last time she said it.

Did you hear about the deer that could not be convinced to go to the tannery?

It kept screaming, "I will not be suede!"

All you gotta do is go to the nearest pub and find any man called 'Bob', then convince him to marry your mother's sister...

...and Bob's your uncle.

How do you convince your neighbor to share their water with you?

Try to get a long well.

The Matrix in reverse is the story of a guy who quit drugs and got a job

Convince me otherwise

I convinced my girlfriend to get over her fear of skydiving...

Her funeral is on Tuesday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old mans son is trying to convince him to move into a nursing home after his wife died.

The son tells his dad that it'll be good for him, and he'll be well taken care of.

"They'll cook you good food, and clean up after you, and you'll make plenty of new friends."

The old man thinks about it for a few weeks, and agrees to go for few weeks to try it out.

On his first...

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