I tried to convince my six year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally pee in your pants.

But he’s not believing it and still making fun of me.

Don't let anyone convince you you can't do something because of your disability.

Beethoven was told he could never be a musician, but he didn't listen.

My wife got mad after I tried to convince her that she'd agreed to let me buy a neon sign.

I guess she doesn't like gas lighting.

So my friend was trying to convince me the earth is flat the other day...

Just kidding. He has no friends.

I've been reading a lot about the covid vaccine vs convalescent plasma. I'm 100% convinced

that the covid vaccine is easier to spell.

The sudden blurry vision, forgetfulness, and erratic behavior had me convinced I had brain cancer.

Neurologist said it was all in my head.

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.

But it's harder to deter gents.

I'll let myself out.

My friend tried to convince me his colander can be used as a bucket.

I said the idea just doesn't hold water.

A group of robed people stopped me whilst I was shopping the other day and were really persistently trying to convince me to join the fight for good bacteria, eventually I got really sick of them, looked em in the eyes and said.. .

I'm not interested in Yakult

My friend gave a presentation trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.

He made some excellent points.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday, but every time I bring it up...

...she changes the topic...

A particularly open-minded flat-earther started out on a journey, and decided he wouldn't stop traveling until he found evidence to convince him to change his worldview.

And eventually he came around.

One of my friends convinced me to make a vision board

When I finished it he looked at it for a minute and said "You envision yourself as a Jedi, fighting off giant mutant squid, armed with lasers?"

"When I take enough Peyote and LSD, that's one of my tamer visions."

I used to work for a used computer sales shop. I tried to convince my boss to have a 9/11 sale, 2 towers for the price of 1.

It didn’t fly.

I'm fully convinced that Stalin's grave...

...is just a Communist plot.

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

All you gotta do is go to the nearest pub and find any man called 'Bob', then convince him to marry your mother's sister...

...and Bob's your uncle.

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A joke my dad, who is Polish, tells me all the time so I'm convinced it must be real funny

It is the cold war and there is a global military convention where each military boasts how their army is the best. After a long day of watching each country's army marching with their strongest and most masculine men, the generals sit down in the banquet hall. An American, German, and Soviet genera...

What did the head of WHO say when he was asked, "How did China's president convince you Coronavirus is under control?"

Xi blinded me with science.

A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.

He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s ...

Me: "Dude! Help! I'm convinced that I'm possessed by the ghost of an American Civil War General!" Ed: "That's incredible! Are you sure, man?"

Me: "Nope, but 'Grant,' Ed - that's a good guess."

Ed: "Are you ever possessed by confederate commanders?"

Me: "General Lee? No."

My father looked me in the eyes and sagely advised, “ Son, find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”

“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”

I'm trying to convince my wife to upgrade our yard so I wanted to show her on my chromecast people having fun on terraces so I yelled "Hey google, show me a movie of a wife enjoying a big deck with her friends" but I think google misheard me.

I just made it up after a couple of glasses

A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.

So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrass...

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

All these "Don't pay too much for [x]" Wikibuy/Honey ads are really convincing.

They convinced me to download Adblocker.

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My Cake Day - My Favorite Joke - Everybody Knows David!

Everybody knows Dave!

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, ...

A circle trying to convince a deadbeat dad to attend his son’s game:

“Sir, come for Ence.”

My brother was trying to convince me that it’s harder to win an argument with a buffoon than it is with a reasonable person....

I told him that people who are intelligent are going to come back with strong counter argument and sound logic — making it difficult to stump them... And of course he came back with this notion that at the end of the day if a foolish person is too prideful to ever admit they’re wrong, they can just ...

My girlfriend convinced me that certain aquatic mammals don't exist right before she broke up with me.

She left me in otter disbelief.

Belle was in the psych ward a was trying to convince the doctor to let her out.

She said “I shouldn’t be in here! Everyone agrees with me.” He raised an eyebrow and questioned, “Everyone? You’re alone in here.” Belle gestures around, “Everyone, you know, the tables and chairs, the clock all of them think I should go free.”

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Why is Donald Trump convinced Jared Kushner is a genius?

He figured out how to fuck Ivanka.


(This was a series of comments on another thread that made me laugh so I thought everyone should hear it, but I can't remember the usernames so announce yourselves if you see this friends)

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead

Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
“There” says the vet,” Your hamster is dead”.
Still not ha...

I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no word in the English language with more syllables than vowels.

I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to accept criticism.

I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart.

They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama

A old Woman goes to the doctor

She says to the doctor, "I have a really embarrassing problem and I have finally convinced myself to come and see you"

"You see, I constantly fart, but they don't smell and they don't make any noise so it hasn't bothered me all these years. I've even farted three times since coming into your ...

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A young man has sex for the first time

The young man was very nervous about having sex with his girlfriend for the very first time, because he was convinced that his penis would be too small.

Eventually he realized that he could not postpone it forever and he nervously invited her over to his house..

Hesitatingly he starte...

As a kid i was really mean to my kid brother, i once convinced him to swallow a torch..

It was worth it just to see his little face light up..

My best friend told me he was planning on naming his son "Square Root of 2".

Luckily his wife managed to convince him that would be completely irrational.

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How To Convince Your Wife You Haven't Been Drinking

A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes,

"I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me."

The bartender says, "Don't worry,
here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, a...

A church has a job opening for..

a bell ringer. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.

They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.

The n...

My friend is trying to convince me not to buy a Tesla because electric cars use up a lot of battery going uphill.

But that’s a hill I’m willing to die on.

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

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A Catholic Irishman is on his deathbed.

He calls for his son, and tells him "My boy, go fetch the Anglican Pastor, I wish to convert before I die". His son is shocked! The father has been one of the most prominent Catholics in the community, he made large donations to the Church every year, attended Mass every day, and was close friends w...

My friend tried to convince me "whey" is spelled "whfey"

There's no f in whey

I am anti vax and I don’t care what you think...

I am sick and tired of seeing people that are anti vax getting slandered on Facebook .

We have good reason to feel this way and simply attacking us or bad mouthing us is not going to change our minds. We will not be silenced.

I for sure will never have another one again. No chance, I...

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[NSFW] A American businessman takes a trip to Japan

An American businessman travels to Japan for a very important business meeting that will make or break his career. He realizes that sealing the deal for their business will not happen in the board room and so he agrees to join them afterwards for a night out on the town.

After a night of dri...

The Chicken House Joke

A little boy and girl were playing outside on the farm when it started raining so they ran into the chicken house. They had a lot of fun in there so it became their favorite place to play.
Several years later, the girl said “I think we should stop playing in the chicken house.”
The boy aske...

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.

Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to *their* store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.

The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's c...

It took me ages to convince the library staff...

...that I could be quiet.

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Guy goes to a therapist. He says, "Doc, I live in constant fear that I'm a grain of corn and there's a giant chicken out there who wants to eat me."

Doctor says, "That's obviously absurd."

The doctor works with the man over the course of three years to finally convince him that he's not a grain of corn that a giant chicken wants to eat.

Finally cured, the man leaves. He's back the next day. The doctor says, "Why are you back."
...

My wife wanted to name our child Lever, and while I convinced her otherwise, I didn’t really like the other name she chose either, but oh well,

Better Nate than Lever

I’ve been convinced: Trump really is trying to create more jobs

I hear the unemployment rate for military analysts in Iran is at a record low!

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The ultimate revenge ( long)

Melville was 10 years old and he loved clowns. When he heard that the circus was coming to town he did everything he could to convince his parents to take him so he could see the clowns. They eventually agreed and when the day arrived he was incredibly excited! He was on the edge of his seat with an...

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Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

A groom ran out during his wedding...

His heart wasn’t in the relationship anymore and he couldn’t go through with it, so he ran out just before the vows.

The wedding party, along with everyone in attendance, was in shock.

The bride’s father convinced everyone that since he already paid for the reception, everyone should...

I thought someone stole my car keys, I looked for hours and was convince someone had grabbed them, later on I felt so stupid because I left them on top of my car

Turns out I lost them on my own accord

My car tried to convince me it was out of fuel, but I was able to keep driving it for another 30 miles.

I think it was gaslighting me

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A young woman is attempting to convince her professor to give her another chance

" I'll do anything you want!" the student exclaimed.

"Anything I want?" the professor asked.

"Yes, *anything*.". the student said in a low, seductive voice as she undid the top buttons on her blouse.

"Well, alright then! Are you free this weekend?" the professor asked.
<...

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Man goes to a doctor...

A husband is convinced by his wife to go to the doctor after he starts having performance issues in the bedroom. The wife drops the husband off at the doctor's office since they were informed that the tests would take awhile to receive back the results. After the battery of questions and tests, th...

My mom tried to convince me not to shoot myself

But you know how it is - In one ear, out the other.

A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.

The judge said 'Why did the police arrest you?'

The man replied 'For shopping too early.'

The judge said 'Well that's not a crime, how early were you shopping.'

The man replied 'Before the shop opened.'

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy

What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

Everyone knows Frank. [Long]

One day, Frank and Fred were chatting and Frank said ”Oh ya, I know everyone.” And Fred failed to believe him, so Fred replied “I don’t believe that you know EVERYONE. I’ll bet $100 you don’t know Mayor Marabell.” Upon hearing this, frank replied “Oh ya! We went to highschool together!“ Fred decided...

How do you brainwash a politician?

Convince him to pay for his brain transplant

There's only one way to convince anti-vaxxers

Cold hard ~~facts~~ kids .

I convinced my fellow pirate to try heroin.

Now he's hooked.

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I finally convinced my girlfriend to have sex on a haystack.

When we were ready, she said "Now we only need to find the needle."

I'm trying to convince my wife that we should become polygamists.

If we married a housekeeper, baby sitter, and landscaper, we wouldn't have to pay them.

If you can convince a hooker to make eggs after....

Is she a bed and breakfast?

Did you hear about the deer that could not be convinced to go to the tannery?

It kept screaming, "I will not be suede!"

Eve was mad at Adam for spending a lot of time in Eden away from her.

Adam said, "Honey, we are the only two humans to be created. Why would you worry about where I go?"

Eve let it go but wasn't convinced.

Later when Adam was asleep she decided to get to the bottom of this...

She put her hands on his chest and began counting his ribs.

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Stop trying to convince deaf people to make better decisions.

Those bastards just won’t listen.

A dutch guy hits a Belgium guy's car

While driving around in Belgium, a dutch guy drives against a belgium guy's car and leaves quite a dent. They both get out, and the belgium guy starts ranting against the dutch guy for hitting his car.

So, the dutch guy says: "What's the matter man, it isn't a big deal! Just blow very hard in...

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Two prawns named Christian and Jason are swimming together on a reef

Being near the bottom of the food chain, both are in danger of being eaten and are constantly scared of any larger fish. Christian loves his life despite the odds, but Jason is unhappy. He wishes to no longer be scared. "Wouldn't it be great if we were the top of the food chain?" Jason says, "imagin...

My doctor told me it's super common to get an erection during a prostate exam, but I'm not convinced.

After all, my old doctor never got one.

My friend tried to convince me that yoga is a workout...

I told him it’s a bit of a stretch


(Thought of this tonight during yoga)

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Two men and a camel in the desert

Two men were stranded in the desert. They had a camel with them to carry all their supplies, but by now they had been walking for days and were out of food and water.

They were so dehydrated that their tongues were swelling in their mouths and they could barely walk.

Lo and behold the...

After a date a man convinces a women to go back to his place...

While they're driving back to his place she says:

- You know, I judge a man by how he unlocks the door of his home. If he does it roughly, I'm afraid of him, if he drops the keys, that means he is insecure. How do you do it?

- First, I lick the lock...

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[NSFW] A young woman seduces and marries a 90 year old rich man in hopes of quickly inheriting his wealth...

She’s convinced he won’t even survive their wedding night so she takes care to find the sexiest negligee and high heels certain to give him a heart attack on sight. That night after the wedding she finishes getting ready in the bathroom and she seductively saunters out to the bedroom expecting to ma...

I've spent all day trying to convince people on Reddit I'm French.

I give up.

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What does a secretary say to Bill Gates when she sees his dick ?

A secretary walked into Bill Gates office . She chats with him and manages to seduce him . She convinces him to have sex and he agrees . When he whips his dick out what does she say ?


Micro-soft

A group of politicians started a band

with Al Gore as the drummer. Old Al could never get the hang of keeping time, though: he would play 3/4 beats on 4/4 songs and 2/4 beats on 3/4 songs. It was always a mess, but the band tried to work through things and kept playing shows in spite of Al's problems. Obviously, they weren't very suc...

I convinced my friend to not purchase a camouflage jacket.

It's something I couldn't see him wearing.

I recently started working for a charity that convinces local supermarkets to give us their expiring baked goods to donate to refugees and the local homeless. We're working in conjunction with local churches to help distribute donations. All of us are there voluntarily, after all..

It's a naan-prophet organization.

Anders Celsius died when he was 43 years old

although his rival Farenheit was convinced he was 109

I’m not convinced that condoms are safe.

My friend was wearing one and he got hit by a bus!

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I’ve been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast.

Just so she could have a “titty tat.”

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My girlfriend finally convinced me to try this new French restaurant in town. Everything went great, except my escargot was WAY too chewy.

I'm telling you, it was tough ass snails.

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The Tale of the Animal Band

So there was this horse, and recently he had gone through some tough times. His wife left him, he lost his job, and rent day was coming ever closer. This is when he had a brainwave: He was going to get his childhood band back together. So the first member to convince was the cow. Now the cow was pre...

I went to the doctor last month

I’ve had a pain in my leg for as long as I can remember. Nothing too bad, just a small pain that has always been there. It’s essentially been a part of who I am for all these years, but my wife finally convinced me to see a doctor to see if it can be cured.
After a week of thinking about a diagn...

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A juggler gets pulled over for speeding...

The cop approaches and asks “what’s your hurry?”

“Well”, explains the juggler, “I’m running late for a juggling performance”

The officer looks into the empty car, “I don’t see any juggling equipment... how do I know if I can believe you?”

The juggler perks up “well all my stuff...

I have convinced my grandma that the baby boomers are as dependent on technology as us.

When she said " you millenials are so addicted to technology" I quickly glanced at her life support. That was the last time she said it.

I'm pretty convinced that tall girls are secretly witches

Every time I try to work up the courage to talk to one, I get turned into a chicken ☠️

My wife let me name our daughter, convinced I wouldn't give her a stupid name.

But I called her Bluff.

A scientist friend of mine tried to convince me that Ironman could actually be a woman.

He broke it down for me like this. Fe Male.

My friends tried to convince me that I'm adopted, but there's no way I am.

I look so much like my fathers.

Car Keys

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room… it wasn’t there. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is,...

An Irishman buys a chainsaw...

He brings it home & starts chopping up the wood in his backyard.


He finds it really difficult & hard going, only managing to cut a few pieces of wood in 2 hours.
Convinced there is something wrong with it, he returns it to the hardware store.


At the store, the ...

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A traveling salesman employs a man with a stutter to sell toothbrushes...

His expectations are low for this guy, so he gives him a couple dozen toothbrushes to sell, expecting him to flop out.

To his surprise, the man returns in an hour with all the money. "S-s-sold then a-all!", he says.

The salesman chalks it up to beginners luck, and hands the stutterin...

A white man visits a rural tribe in Africa

A white man wants to take the trip of a lifetime, and decides on a trip to Africa. He is in a go nowhere job, with no friends or family, and is feeling down. He quits his job and decides to travel to a remote area, far from civilization. He does not like the touristy vibe that some places give off, ...

My anorexic friends try to convince me they have a very serious disease...

But their arguments don't seem to carry much weight.

When he gets ill, and old man contacts a daughter he hasn't seen in years and convinces her to bring her family to meet him before he dies.

The woman and her son spend the better part of the day with him in the hospital, while her husband spends the day cleaning the old man's house and taking care of various logistical concerns.

When he arrives, he notices that while his wife is quite happy, their son looks miserable, so he pulls...

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With every passing day, I’m getting more and more convinced that Jews are running this country.

I just moved to Israel a few weeks ago.

How do you convince America to join a war?

Tell them its almost over

[OC] My wife was trying to convince me that, one day, we'll all be making phone calls and sending text messages from wrist-mounted devices.

This made me upset. I exclaimed "not on my watch!"

I convinced my son if he didn't try to keep me cool during Summer he wouldn't be written into my will...

Apparently I'm now a bad father simply for wanting some heir conditioning.

What did The Terminator say to convince his girlfriend to move in with him?

Live with me if you want to come.

My mom was trying to convince me to eat some cereal yesterday

I told her, “No mom, I’m done with life.”

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unen...

If a man convinces a woman to have a child with him and it turns out male...

Is the child considered a son of a pitch?

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A young boy named Jim with suspected mental illness was due to visit a psychotherapist but he seemed very uncomfortable with the whole idea. Finally his mother convinced him to go. Upon arrival the young boy was greeted “Hello Jim, do you know who I am?”...

Jim replied.. “Of course I do, your Psycho The Rapist!”

I convinced a bunch of people to blow themselves up on the street. Don't believe me?

Come c4 yourself.

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My friend tried to convince me that he wasn't constipated, but I'm not buying it.

I think he's full of shit.

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