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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

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A new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks

A new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks. He noticed a female horse.
Captain: What’s that horse for?
Soldier: Our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex.
Captain: Oh! all right.
One night, the captain feels an urge, so the soldier brought the horse ...

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It's a real shame that, in this day and age, Barrack Obama had to give his speech about Martin Luther King Jr., while standing behind bullet proof glass...

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot somebody...

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I had a wank in a barracks,

It was a tug of war.

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A Captain in the Foreign Legion

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long w...

BARRACKS DOOR

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Since he wasn’t familiar with that phrase, he went on his way, looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped u...

A man walks into a supermarket, unfortunately his zipper is down

A young female cashier approached the man and said to him, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men usually use, so the man went about his business in the store, slightly confused.

As he was almost done with his shopping, another man came up to him and said, "Hey buddy, your fly is...

Just heard Barrack Obama's main writer has been killed..

Sources reporting that he is currently speechless.

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A dutch and belgian soldier patroll the river maas. (Srry if repost)

Patrols are conducted on both sides of the river Maas. A Dutch soldier walks on one side, a Belgian soldier on the other. It is early in the morning and there is still some fog on the water.

The Dutch soldier wonders which section of the army the Belgian soldier is on. He wants to ask the Be...

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How do you know Dave?

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

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Seeing everyone translating jokes from their mother tongues I want to try my hand at it

From Russian:

Drill sergeants office, another sergeant rushes in:

- Hey Johnson, all your squad is in the barracks fucking bench!

Sergeant jumps up, picks up his hat and storms into barracks. On the way he thinks to himself: "These damn recruits, can't last a week without a woma...

My uncle, who is an army funeral director, almost became president of the United states.

Yes he was a barrack embalmer.

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"Your one and only job is to supply the miners"

The foreman told the asian man before leaving the job site.

Upon the foreman's return a week later he noticed one of the job site workers lackadaisically lounging in the sun.

"Hey Bob! How are ya? Why arent you workin boy?" said the foreman.

"Im too hungry to work. That chinama...

French, Italian and Russian are talking about what are the best things in the world

French: Walking in Paris with my Jacqueline, dinner at the restaurant, candles, cheese, white wine, after which we go to my place and gently make love until morning.

Italian: Strolling through Venice with my Francesca, dinner at the restaurat, candles, pasta, red wine, after which we go to my...

Where does a general keep his armies?

In the barracks.

The New Secretary

Mr Robinson hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning she noticed that Mr Robinson's fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said "Mr Robinson, your barracks door is open." He was puzzled by her remark but later in the day noticed that his zipper...

What is Obama’s favorite vegetable?

Barrack-oli

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The Drill Sergeant

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows,
"This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed,...

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Good Job Private Daredevil!

A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he
heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and
shouted:

Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good
night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night,"
what I really mean is "...

During the Gulf War, a soldier has just arrived in Iraq

Two days after being deployed, he gets asked by his best mate back at home to the mate's best man at his wedding. The soldier quickly agrees, and go to ask his commanding officer for leave.

"Leave? After only two days? You must be mad, to even consider asking me for it. You won't get leave un...

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A brand new lumberjack is being shown around the work site where he will be felling trees.

The foreman takes him to the barracks, "Here's where you'll be sleeping, son, you have the top bunk over there" and motions to the corner of the room, "Up at 5 a.m., lights out at 10 p.m." The new hire looks at the shabby conditions but thinks he can put up with it for the pay he'll be receiving....

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A sniper and his spotter are practicing on the range...

The sniper shoulders the spotter and says "Buddy I hate to be the one to tell you but I just scoped back over towards the barracks and your wife is cheating on you with the XO." The spotter gets a grim look in his eyes and mutters "Shoot the bitch in the head and the bastard in the balls." The snipe...

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An Army Captain is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq

During inspection, he notices a camel tied up outside the barracks. He asks the soldier, "why is that camel there?"

The soldier says: "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get urges."

A month later the Captian has urges himself. He puts the ladder behind the camel, drops ...

A soldier is stationed in the middle east...

A young, American soldier arrives to his first tour of duty in an undeveloped area of Kuwait, and quickly discovers that things are rather strict. While he's able to distract himself for the first few days, he soon starts to get a little bit "antsy," and wonders how, exactly, he's meant to contend w...

American scientists made a clocks ...

that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock i...

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A Drill Sergeant does a surprise bed check late at night

A Drill Sergeant does a surprise bed check late at night and discovers a private sneaking back into the barracks.

Sergeant: Private! What are you doing?

Private: Trying to sleep, sir!

Sergeant: You look like you just had sex, boy. When did you last have sex?

Private: 2010...

War in the forest

A war breaks out in the forest, and all the animals are called in for mobilization draft.

Bear reluctantly sets off to the local barracks. He doesn't really want to go, he is big, slow, a perfect bullet magnet.
Suddenly, he comes across the fox and the rabbit, sitting by the camp fire, hap...

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A solider gets transferred to an outpost in the desert

When he arrives the commanding officer shows him around. After they've visited the barracks the officer brings him to a shed with a camel inside and explains:

"As you might've noticed, this is an all male unit and we're far away from civilization. Everyone here knows that even a soldier has ...

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Marines' Early Morning Drill

A drill instructor had just been assigned a bunch of new recruits that he had to help train and introduce into the Marine Corps.

On the first morning after moving into the barracks, the DI woke everyone up at 0430, and ordered them to take a cold shower to break them in. Then, after 8 minutes...

Obama died joke

One day in the future, Barrack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell ...

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Steve was always bragging about how he knew virtually any famous person you could name.

One day, his co-worker Ben got sick of him and said "Oh yeah?! Prove it!" to which Steve calmly replied: "Okay, wanna come with me to visit Justin Timberlake tomorrow?" Ben agreed, if only because Steve was paying for both of their tickets to Los Angeles. The next day, Ben remained skeptical all the...

Robot

A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender .
The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics,...

There was once a blind knight (Long/NSFW)

There was once a blind knight. One evening he walked down to the dinner hall and sat next to his friend, Bob. "I don't know what I'm doing wrong, Bob," the blind knight said. "Jacking off just doesn't feel good anymore." Bob turned to him and said "Try some of these boiled snails. They really get th...

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There was once a defected army general named Choo who was hellbent on taking over the world

The army he commanded was the most fierce, most massive and the most successful army in the region. The army was so reputable, that they informally became known as the R's, for Ruthless, because they took no survivors. It was either join them or die. So naturally, many people wanted to work for them...

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A fast running sister.

I was in a USAF training school- one of about 30 students. The instructor had a habit of picking on one of the students, a guy named Sparks because he was very quiet. We sat in groups of 4-5 people at tables. Sparks did not sit at my table. I could tell it bothered Sparks so I went to him one day an...

End of the world

Scientists predict the end of the world, they say that there will be a huge tsunami on earth in 2 weeks. So presidents of all nations are now on tv to speak about it. It starts with Barrack Obama: " My fellow americans, you have now 15 days to spend all of your dollars, so just buy some stuff and en...

An Austrian joke: The hare, the fox and the bear receive their enlistment order

An Austrian joke I like very much:

The hare, the fox and the bear turn 18 and receive their enlistment order, but don't want to serve in the military. This was back when conscientious objection was not as easy as it is nowadays.

They meet in front of the barracks and think about what t...

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