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Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base...

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It's quite urgent**

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised ...

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Camping in the woods

A group was out camping when one of them heard a faint voice. “Fire!” He looked around, but didn’t see any smoke. A few minutes later, a couple of them heard the voice, more urgent this time. “Fire!“

Even though they still didn’t see any smoke, they started following the voice. Every so often...

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A man got an urgent message at work saying his wife had been in a car accident and was in the hospital.

So the man rushed to the hospital and was met in the lobby by the surgeon who had just operated on his wife.

Doctor: I'm sorry to have to tell you this sir but the damage to you wife's spinal cord was catastrophic. She'll never walk again. In fact she'll most likely be a helpless invalid for ...

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

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Which condiment needs to use the bathroom urgently

Must-turd

Urgent update.. everyone please uninstall and reinstall 2020..

It has a deadly virus!

Urgent message to all older men...

There has been a terrible spate of robberies by a gang of young women. Their MO is to pull you over on the road and hitch a ride. They always wear skimpy bikinis, then start to rub themselves on you while you're driving in order to distract you. One of them then sneakily steals your wallet. I have a...

Urgent news: A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archologist believe it maybe Pharaoh Roche...

Mother superior called an urgent meeting of all the 100 nuns in her convent

Mother Superior : Today I found a man's underwear behind the bush ..

99 nuns : Oh Jesus !!

One nun : teeheehee

Mother : Also I found a used condom

99 nuns : Oh Jesus!!

One nun : teeheehee..

Mother : ... And it was broken ...

One nun : Oh Jesus!!!
...

A woman is urgently rushed to hospital by her brother to give birth to twins.

In the hospital, she gives birth to a boy and a girl. She loses consciousness shortly after.


A few hours later, she wakes up with a doctor standing over her. She asks "Where are my children?"


The doctor replies "They're in the next room with your brother. He said you wouldn't m...

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This message is URGENT; it came from a PHARMACIST!

If you or anyone you know are taking the Viagra pill, make sure it says:

"Made in USA"!

We do not want the Russians meddling in our erections.

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A man enters a crowded ER after having lost a toy up his anus. The doctors are swamped with more urgent cases but the triage nurse sends the man to an empty or and tells him that he’ll be performing his own operation.

A doctor comes up to the nurse and says “how do you expect that man to know how to perform such a complex procedure?” The nurse says “Oh, I’m sure he’ll finger it out”.

First attempt at cooking for my Italian girlfriend, she's due here any minute, and I think I royally screwed up the meal. Need help urgently!

Thyme is a factor.

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A butler comes up to his lord reading a book to tell him something urgent.

"Milord?" says the butler.

"Yes, Alfred? What do you need?" answers his lord.

"I am sorry for this interuption but I've found some monkey that is up on one of the palm trees we have planted in our garden recently, milord." explained himself Alfred.

Lord sighs, closes his book an...

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It's 3 AM, and a general urgently calls by phone to the sergeant...

A private awnsers the phone:
-"Hello?"
-"Quickly, hand me over to the sergeant" the general says
-"No, i'm sorry, the Sergeant is sleeping, and he doesn't want to be disturbed, call him again in the morning".
The general, angry, says:
-"Incompetent! pass me with the sergeant...

URGENT: Do not open any emails from Hormel Foods

It might be SPAM!

"When drums stop...very bad."

An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.

*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*

The Englishman said to the wise man, “I...

My neighbor was very urgent when asking me for herbs.

He said that he was running out of thyme.

URGENT: HOW TO SAVE NET NEUTRALITY (PLEASE READ)

Page loading...

URGENT BREAKING NEWS...

Corduroy pillow cases are making all the headlines.

My mum was rushed to hospital so I left a voicemail for my dad. "Dad, can you call me urgently?"

I got a phone call from him, "Hi Urgently"

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Three old men, 70, 80, and 90 years young, sat on a park bench for a chat.

During their conversation, the topic of sleep schedules and bodily functions comes up. Of course, being a competitive group, each one feels the need to have the most significant problems.

The 70 year old says, "I wake up at 5 AM every morning and need to pee urgently, but I have to stand th...

We need more hospitals and doctors in Punjab, India...urgently!

There are a lot of Sikh people out there

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One day a businessman

had to catch up to the airport, very urgently. It was rainy. Take a taxi right away
Driver asked him just before he was getting into the taxi;
"-What way?"
Businessman said;
"-I will go to the airport .. I am in a hurry"
Driver;
"-No .. I don't go short distance"

They had a ...

A man has an urgent need to get a potato clock.

He was bewildered at first, but he wanted to make his new boss happy, so he went to the local clock shop and asked
"Do you happen to have a potato clock?"
Inwhich the clerk said he didn't, and told him to try the hardware store. So the man walked to the hardware store and explained to the sho...

On and On

Mr. Johnson told Mary his secretary that he was going on a business trip to Chicago the following day and he wanted her to come with him. They'd be staying there for 2 days.

As soon as she got home, she told her husband Bob about this.
"Honey, my boss asked me to go on a business trip to...

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Ouch!

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautione...

A zoo’s only gorilla dies...

so the zookeeper hires an actor to wear a gorilla costume until the zoo can get another one.

In the gorilla pen the actor makes faces, beats his chest, swings around, and soon draws a huge crowd. Encouraged, he then crawls atop a beam across the lion’s enclosure, taunting the animal below. ...

After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide

CHECK CZECH CHEQUES

A lady arrives at a post office...

...and asks the postman:

"Hi, can I call my mom? I'm out of cash and I need to talk to her urgently".

The postman says "No money, no phone call, miss".

"I will do everything you want, please I really need to call my mother!" - the lady proceeds.

"Music to my ears" - the p...

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The woodland critters decide to open a public restroom...

They all participate as best they can to build it, and Owl, the mayor of the woods gives it to the public. The next day as Owl is taking a stroll, he notices that one of the windows is smashed.

He calls an urgent meeting where all the animals gather together.

\- I am sorry for this bot...

Why didn't Napoleon qualify for the urgent marrow transplant?

They couldn't get his bonepart

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An older couple decided to spice up their sex lifes.

The wife decided to be spontaneous and sends a close up nude picture to her husband at work with the message "Look what I've got for you"

He replied urgently: "I'll be home as soon as I can"

The wife sets up a romantic setting and gets dolled up and gets excited when her husband pull...

I thought by now you'd realise

A taxidermist and his apprentice are working late into the night to get their big project done - a full size lion on a purpose built stand. This once-mighty big cat had been killed in a fight with another lion, and was being fixed up for display at a natural history museum. The taxidermist had skill...

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A horny lion and a horny mouse

agree to fuck each other.

The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The l...

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A man is in urgent need for transplant buttocks after an accident.

Doctors report no end in sight.

A man falls over unable to breathe

The woman he's with scans around the area and spots a man with a gi and black belt on.
"Do you know anything about choking?"
The man responds that he does, due to teaching Jiujitsu.
The woman urgently yells, "help I think he's going to pass out!"
To which the JiuJitsu teacher replies, "T...

Dave and his girlfriend are at a party on a hot day.

It’s a good party, everyone is having fun. And eventually the catering comes in, and everyone starts lining up to get their food and drinks. Dave’s girlfriend is feeling a bit tired, so Dave offers to go up and get her a drink. She happily thanks him and asks for some lemonade just to quench her thi...

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President Trump, lying face-down on a table, is being examined by a proctologist.

In the midst of the exam, the proctologist urgently calls in his nurse.

"My God!", the proctologist says. "Take a look at this! I don't think I've ever seen an asshole like this!"

The nurse's jaw drops. "Doctor, I think you should immediately clarify that you're referring to the presid...

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The chief of a tribe has terrible gas pains that won’t go away

They’ve tried every remedy they know, and nothing is working. Finally, the fastest runner in the tribe agrees to travel outside the forest to a modern city and visit a pharmacy. He takes off running and gets there within an hour, walks up to a pharmacist, and says,

“Big chief. No fart.”
...

Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.

The wife: I am coming with the broom.

Husband: It ain't urgent. You can come on foot.

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The Doctor is Always Right

A man wakes up feeling sick, so he goes to an urgent care center.  The doctor asks what his symptoms are, and he tells her, "I'm not sure - I'm just not right."

The doctor immediately replies, "I need a urine specimen."

The man is taken aback.  "Why do you need a urine sample?  You hav...

Two mathematicians were having lunch at a diner and got into a rousing discussion about the state of mathematics education in the US.

The first mathematician insisted that the general American populace was woefully inadequate when it came to understanding even basic math, while the second felt the average person knew more than they were given credit. They made a friendly wager and agreed that the next time their waitress came by, ...

A couple live outside Buffalo, and are used to the rhythms of preparing for large snows.

One of these preparations for many years has been tuning in to the local radio station at 6:00 the night before a storm for an important announcement.

On a typical pre-storm night, the wife would tune in just prior to 6 to hear a message about which side of the street cars were to be parked o...

A senior citizen was driving down the freeway, when his phone rang

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

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NSFW A woman was lying on the beach one day...

When suddenly a bee flies into her vagina.
Scared as she was, she went to the doctors office and received a male doctor in the urgent matters.
She explained her problem to him. He said there was nothing to worry about.

"Just go home and put some honey on your husbands dick, and ask him ...

Getting time off from work

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that I wld do sumthing crazy
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was
doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so th...

I'm exhausted. Just came back from the hospital.

My girlfriend was in a bad way. Tonight the doctors told me that she urgently needed a blood transfusion and I had no idea what blood type she was. Obviously she saw my panic, and god bless her, with her last breath she reassured me by saying, "Be positive. Be positive." For her, I was. I'll miss he...

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A man begins to hear a voice in his head,

quiet, but insistent, it repeats urgently, "Sell your house, take all your money, go to Las Vegas." The man ignores it at first, he sees a therapist, does yoga and eats kale, but nothing stops the voice from repeating the same sentence, "Sell your house, take all your money, go to Las Vegas."
...

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Japanese Toilet

I'm from the UK. My best mate from uni moved to Japan a few years ago for work, he's settled down there and married a nice Japanese girl. Whenever he's been back over, he's always invited me to come and visit them, and this year I finally had the chance.

The flight over was great, the ride fr...

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One day a husband and wife decided...

They won't use the word "sex" in front of their child anymore, instead they would use "type/typing" to denote that.

So, one day the husband was feeling some need so told his kid to ask her mother if she could type a letter for her. The kid asked his mother. She told him to tell his father th...

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Hygiene was an issue at the farm

John, the farmer was an old man who couldn't tend to his farm any more. His children had left for the city for greener pastures.
Few years back his wife passed away of old age.

Seeing the farm in neglect, all the domesticed animals on the farm called for an urgent meeting.

The cow, ...

In the hands of an expert..

A tourist takes a taxi in a foreign town. The taxi driver speeds through a red light. The tourist, frightened, asks

"What are you doing?"

The driver answers:

"Dont worry, I am an expert."

He speeds through more red lights, and the tourist, on the verge of hysteria, co...

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Owner of a wine shop...

...gets a call in the middle of the night.

A slightly panicky voice on the other end asks, "It's kind of an emergency. When does your shop open?" He replies in an exasperated voice, "I just closed half an hour ago. So it won't open till tomorrow morning."

Sometime later the owner i...

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Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact.

On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.


One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.


"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got ...

A piece of tarmac from the M4 walks into a pub ...

just outside London. As he heads to the bar, he sees another piece of tarmac at one end, and realizes that it is an old mate from the M25 he hasn't seen in years. They get drinks, sit at a table by the window, and proceed to catch up - talking about the weather, potholes, and how bad the M25 is as c...

A programmer calls the library

- Hello! Can I talk to Kate?
- She is in Archives.
- Could you please extract her. I need her urgently

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A husband dies and goes into limbo for judgement

While there he sees an angel who is the gatekeeper for the gate to heaven. At the gate, the angel says "You have done enough good deeds in your life for me to grant passage into heaven." "But first, I want you to spell out a word for me, and if you get it correct, I can let you enter." The man says ...

What do you call a South American girl who's always in a hurry?

Urgent Tina

In a classroom the teacher wants the children to answer questions before they go to the bathroom...

A child goes up to the teacher and says: I really need to go to the toilet!

The teacher replies: Is it really urgent?

And the child says: Yes! Yes! Yes!

So the teacher says: Okay then. I will give you something easy then.

She continues: What is the alphabet?

And th...

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I speak for the trees!

So an ant is walking through a field, scavenging for food. Suddenly, his legs stiffen up and he has trouble walking. "Feet! He says, angrily. "Why have you failed me? I must search for food, but I am unable to walk." "Not us!" Squeal the feet. "We only are only meant for gripping the ground or ...

People in town had noticed that a certain miser never invited anybody to dinner.

"I'll bet," said a prankster, "that I can get an invitation."

The wager was accepted, and our prankster went to see the rich man the next day, at a time when he knew that the miser would be at the table with his family.

He rang the bell, and told the servant who opened the door that h...

A man calls his home and his newly appointed butler picks up the phone...

Still a little nervous about his newly assigned duties, the butler answered nervously “Hello, who’s this?”

The man was a little frustrated with the butler’s lack of experience and so he replied impatiently “It’s your boss you idiot!”

Feeling guilty about not recognizing his own boss’s...

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wun?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller :No, I want speak to Annie Wun!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me.Who is this?

Caller : I'm Sam Wun. And I need to talk to Annie Wun! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someon...

NASA CHICKEN CANON

NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangemen...

Soviet joke

Three men have to share a hotel room in Chelyabinsk during a congress. Naturally, in the evening, they start drinking. One thing leads to another, and they find themselves telling political jokes. Concerns that any of the others may be KGB informants or that the room may be bugged are readily dissol...

Karl Marx dies and stands trial before St. Peter.

St. Peter: "The ideas you preach have brought misery to billions. I send you to the deepest pits of Hell!"

After a few months Satan calls God:

Satan: "God, please remove Marx from my realm as soon as possible."

God: "Why would I do that? He is a sinner, his fate is to burn in H...

Reddit, you have just robbed a bank of $40 million. The police know what you look like, but you have a clean history, so you can use the money to help you escape. What do you do?

Please respond quickly, this is urgent.

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[NSFW] You're Passionate!

A hungover, toothless eskimo woman is hitchiking on the side of the road, when a guy in a pick-up pulls over and asks her where she needs to go. "I need go to the liquor s(h)tore."
"All right, I'll take you," the man replies, "but you have to give me head."
"Ok," the eskimo replies, pulling he...

A group of soldiers was fighting against a group of rebels...

They had been fighting for a few years now, and many people, including innocent citizens, had lost their lives during this period. The soldiers tried and tried to rid the city of the rebels, but the latter was a strong resistance and were hard to defeat. Regardless of the many new personnel, bases a...

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The baker crisis

"We are here to address current most urgent issue which many of you complain about. As you all know our baker is literally the worst. I intentionally made this gathering when he is out of town to discuss our possibilites. This is by far the worst bread I have tried and it seems it just won't get any...

The Prime Minister was not happy about being woken up

What did the Prime Minister say when he was awoken early to news of an urgent matter that required his immediate attention?

“Ugh. I’m the PM, not the AM.”

A guy brings his pet duck with him to the movies.

The ticket seller tells him "You cant bring a duck in here, sir!"

The man, feeling dissapointed, walks away with his duck.

He thinks "Maybe I can sneak him in!"

So the guy takes his duck and stuffs him into his pants and returns to the ticket window to buy his ticket.

...

selling announce in a Romanian newspaper:

urgent sell: wife!!!

fabrication year: 1983, second owner, certificate OK, autochthonous production

colour: ginger

features: super suspensions, big trunk, blue-Ciel headlights, red plump radiator grille, excellent front airbags

state of function: very good, a little used...

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Little Timmy woke up one morning desperate to pee.

He bounded out of bed and hurtled across the landing to the main bathroom. Eager not to cause an upset, he carefully prised open the bathroom door.
In the bathroom, Timmy's sister, Lucy, was shaving her legs. Unfortunately, she caught a spot on her razor, causing a stab of pain. Blood started to ...

Can you put the pin back in a grenade?

It's kind of urgent. Need and answer fast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A nun, who possessed miraculous healing powers, was taking a shower,

when her fellow nun goes into her room, and says, "Sister, a blind man is here to see you."

"I'm showering! Tell him to come back later," she replies.

"But he says it's urgent; he cannot come back later."

"Well, he's a blind man, so fine, send him in," she says as she turns off...

Mr. Lee Sum Wan and Mr.Sori

Sam Wan: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Mr. Sori: Yes, you could speak to me.

Sam Wan: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Mr. Sori: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Sam Wan: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Mr. Sori: I know you ar...

A man is on the the phone with a bartender.

He says to the bartender "Is there a young, blonde lady there?"

The bartender responds "There are dozens, sir. Be more specific."

"She's wearing a plaid crop top, ripped short jean shorts, boots, pigtails and a cowboy hat."

The bartender replies "yeah, she's here, what of it?"<...

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When you need it, I'm there.

A terribly drunk man wakes up in his home after a black out with an urgent need to urinate. In his inebriated state he can't walk, only crawl, wherever he needs to go. So he crawls, pulling his bodily weight with his arms across the floor, making little progress over time until he finally reaches th...

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A man sitting at a bar notices another guy taking to his hand

He was holding his hand to his face and talking into it like a cell phone. He tried to ignore it, but after a while his curiosity got the best of him and he decided to investigate.

"Hey man, what are you doing there?" he asked.

"Oh, sorry, I know this must look pretty weird, but I was ...

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I will be doing some themed jokes from now on. Theme 1: Business

A frog goes into the bank and asks the teller for a loan. The teller tells the frog to see Mr. Paddywack, the loan officer.
Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says, "What do you have for collateral? "
The frog pulls out of his pocket a solid silver elephant.
Mr. Paddywack looks at the e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which person leaves first after a glory hole blowjob?

Please answer. It's very urgent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wrote this one myself. (It's better then that redtile disfunction joke)

There was a guy named Shawn and he lived near a really little town in the western plains of Texas. This town was really just a dot along a highway and didn't get much traffic at all. There was one gas station, a diner, and a little dollar store with necessities and household items.

Shawn wor...

The Captain of an American Airliner receives a message from a few miles ahead...

The Captain of an American Aircraft Carrier is sailing his ship through a deep fog, so much that he can barely see anything. They are moving slowly, and all crew members are instructed to be on high alert, ready to act at a moment's notice. Suddenly, he receives a call from something just a few mile...

Helpful nephew

I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew having a snack.
"Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She is upstairs, said she was going to take a shower." came the reply.
"Do you know how long it's been? I need to ask her an urgent question." I asked.
He stepped into the nearby bathro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Estelle and Murray's 47th wedding anniversary was coming up,

and Estelle wanted to make it extra special for Murray.

"Murray", she said, "You never do anything fun for yourself."

"What do you mean, Estelle? I go bowling all the time."

"That's still so boring though. I want to spice things up for you. You deserve it. We've been together al...

An Icebear baby comes to his parents...

An Icebear cub comes to his parents.

"Momma bear, poppa bear, are you sure I am an Icebear?", he asks.

The mother replies: "Sure son, your father is an Icebear, your mother is an Icebear so you are an Icebear"

Next day the cub comes again "are you really sure I am an Icebear?", ...

An attorney called the governor just after midnight,...

...insisting that he talk to him urgently. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Jones has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

Replied the governor: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the...

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