UPJOKE
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I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type.

As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

If a blue bird has blue babies and a red bird has red babies what type of bird has no babies?

A Swallow

What is Medusa's favorite type of cheese?

Gorgonzola

There are three types of people in the world

Those who can count, and those who can't

There are are 10 types of people in the world.

People who understand binary and people who dont.

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What's a prostitute's favorite type of party?

A Ho-Down.

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A blind man interviews for a job at a lumber company and the interviewer doubts the man’s abilities. He says, “how could you possibly be qualified for this job?”, to which the man replied, “I can tell any type of wood just by the smell. “

A blind man interviews for a job at a lumber company and the interviewer doubts the man’s abilities. He says, “how could you possibly be qualified for this job?”, to which the man replied, “I can tell any type of wood just by the smell. “
The interviewer doubts this and sets up a test of the m...

There's two types of people in the world

Those who proofread their posts, and those who do

What is a zombie's favorite type of weather?

A brainstorm.

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

What type of shoes do bananas wear.

Slippers

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

What type of beasts of burden do weird farmers keep?

Unorthodoxen.

what's a Mexicans favourite type of joke?

Juan liners

What was Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?

(Inhales) HAND EEEEYYYEEE

If I got $1 every time a woman said I wasn't her type

I'd be her type

What's the spookiest data type?

***Boo***\-lean!

What type of job would a spider have?

They would work for the IT department doing web inspection.

What type of plant is most satisfying to own?

A succ-you-lent

There are only two types of hair: public hair and pubic hair.

But that's one L of a difference.

What kind of stone do you need to evolve eevee into a ghost type?

Easy

any stone can do the job, just remember aim for the head

(my 6yo) What type of medicine does Dracula take for a cold?

Coffin Medicine

Technology is dominated by two types of people:

Those who understand what they do not manage and those who manage what they do not understand.

There are two types of people

People who can finish a statement using context clues and people who

A Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about my Mom "
"OK, let's hear" said the teacher.

"My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit".
"She had t...

In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison...

Poison I,II,III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain. However poison IV would make you really itchy.

Knowledge is knowing that pineapples are not a type of apple

Wisdom is knowing not to put them on pizza.

Friend : I have got Diabetes type 1

Me : 1

He blocked me, no idea what wrong I did.

what blood type are computers?

Typo

To all the people who type "u" instead of "you" ...

What exactly do you do with all the extra time you saved?

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk in to deliver blood.

The priest says- “I’m a type A”


The minister says- “I’m a type B”


The rabbit says- “I think I’m a typo”

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Joke Of The Month

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email
address, and without realising he sent the email to
a widow who had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
h...

You can relax a person with a type-A personality by removing their type-P traits...

I'm telling you, remove the P-ness from their A-ness and they calm right down

There are 3 types of people.

1. People who know how to make good jokes.
2. People who know how to make good lists.

I put on my resume that I can type 700 characters per minute

Which is true, but apparently they expected these characters to form words.

What do you call it when one artillery projectile eats another of the same type?

Cannonballism

A blonde sees a cow with no horns...

...so she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why wouldn't a cow have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and...

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A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

Please help, I think someone is able to control my computer and type instead of me.

Actually you know what, I don't think that, that's absurd, nevermind.

What's a civil engineer's favorite type of tea?

Structural integri-tea

What type of milk do you get from a dwarf cow?

Condensed milk.

I divided two types of the LGBTQ into two sections...

There was the trans-section, and the bi-section.

Men develop a type based on their favorite Disney princess.

I had a friend who was really into Cindarella and exclusively dates blonde women. Another loved snow white and is married to a woman with obsidian black hair. I was really into The Little Mermaid and that's why I am not allowed into the Fish Market anymore.

What is a baker’s favorite type of dog?

Pure Bread Dough-bermann.

A rabbit, an imam, and a priest walk into a blood test centre.

A nurse approaches the rabbit and asks, “Do you know what blood type you are?” The rabbit responds with: “I think I might be a Type-O.”

What type of bathing suit did Luffy want Nami to wear?

A One Piece.

Nine Words

Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.

This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.

Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<...

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I was lost in a forest, trying to find my way out using a compass.

After 2 hours, I realized I was going in circles.

After 3 hours, I realized I was using the wrong type of compass...

What type of tree does a Satanist get for Christmas?

A Lucy Fir

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Three vampires walk into a bar... The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+"

and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a use...

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This guy was cruising along a deserted Texas highway on his way to work..

doing 92 mph in an 85 zone. As he crests a slight hill he gets nailed by a highway patrolman running radar. Easing over onto the shoulder and coming to a stop, the officer walks up to the car and asks "License and registration please, and where the hell are you going in such a hurry?"

The...

What type of underpants do lawyers wear?

Legal briefs.

My father is a very down to earth type person

Buried 6 feet deep

What type of pasta do crooked musical writers like?

Rigatoni

I went to a zoo that only had one type of dog

It was a shih tzu.

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4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

A blonde, wanting to earn some money,

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde...

What type of hair will Putin soon have on his head?

Crosshair

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

...

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A man on a plane..

…to Las Vegas notices a gorgeous woman walking towards him and she ends up sitting right next to him on the flight.
He’s nervous but decides to give it a shot and spark some conversation.
“So”, he says, “what are you going to Vegas for?”
She replies, “im actually going to a sex convention...

What are the strongest blood types?

ABs

My father passed away last week because we couldn't find his right blood type for a tranfusion

He kept telling us to "Be Positive" but it's been really hard without him

Which type of metal do you need to be careful of?

Stainless Steel. Because they are SUS.

Three fonts walk into a bar. The barman says,

Clear out, we don’t want your type here!

Which bird symbolizes great wisdom?

The owl, of course.
Which bird symbolizes bravery and freedom? Most of us know it's the eagle. What type of bird symbolizes love? That would be a dove.
Now, what kind bird symbolizes absolute, true love? The Swallow!

What’s the most common type of owl?

The teat…

My grandfather was such a brave man. Even while dying for want of a blood transfusion when nobody knew his blood type

with his last few words he kept telling us all to be positive.

There are two types of people in the world. People who enjoy black licorice jelly bellies...

... and people who deserve love and respect.

WW1 pilot talks to class

He tells about a dogfight he was in. “There were Fokkers to the right, Fokkers to the left, Fokkers above and Fokkers below.” The teacher says, “Children, Fokkers are a type of airplane.” Pilot says, “Yeah, except these Fokkers were Messerschmitts. “

There are 2.00000001 types of programmers in the world

Those who experience off-by-one errors, and those who experience rounding errors.

Did you hear Sushi Restaurants are about to release a new type of roll?

It is the Lady Gaga Roll, and it is served Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw

What’s an Emo’s favourite type of bath Bomb?

A toaster

I've heard polymer based condoms are the happiest type

They're ribbed for mer pleasure

Sorry if it is to sciencey

My dad sent me a random text asking what type of lube do I use

I responded, “K…Y?”

What type of shark would you find in a Home Depot?

A hammerhead shark!

What type of money do you make when you donate to a sperm bank everyone day?

Passive incum

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Why are you an asshole?

Because my blood type is B negative.

What type of fish leads its school?

a sardean

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There are 3 types of olive oil.

Virgin Olive Oil

Extra Virgin Olive Oil

And Olive Oil with a questionable past

What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?

HAAAAAAND EYYYYEEEEEEEE!

The Poacher and the Bishop of Ely

One day, Sam the poacher is off doing his thing in the fields, when he sees the Bishop of Ely, on his way home from a banquet, urgently looking round for a bush- any bush. Sam, seeing this, only goes and hides behind the same bush as the Bishop. Realising what the Bishop is up to, quick as a flash...

Two windmills are in a field

One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?"

The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan."

Last time when I was in someone’s type

Last time when I was in someone’s type was when I was donating blood….

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A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

Jesus and the Devil have challenged each other to a typing battle on MS Word

It's a close battle and they're down to the last word, when boom! Power outage!

When the power outage is resolved, all of the Devil's progress was lost, but Jesus only had one word to type!

Moral of the story: Jesus saves, and so should you.

What type of instrument do you find in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste

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What type of elf is the rudest?

A go fuck yourself

I'm the outdoor type.

As soon as a woman mentions commitment, I'm out the door.

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

What type of bug hates Christmas?

A humbug

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Doctors advice

Jay's primary care doctor recently retired and that forced him to find a new one, which he did.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, Jay's new doctor said he was doing "fairly well for a man his age"… Having just turned forty-four in July, Jay was a little concerned about the doctor's c...

My ten year old daughter made this one up… thought it was pretty good. “What’s the least expensive type of car?”

Afford.

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Does anyone know a good dick joke?

I do. But if I type it out on here, it would be too shlong.

A man is shopping for a dog for his family…

He visits a dog farm just outside of town, and meets with the farmer. The farmer is very helpful, and shows the man his dog cages, where he breeds all different types of dogs.

“Here’s the Dalmatians, they’re $200 each. Here’s the Bassett Hounds, they’re $100 each,” says the farmer. As the far...

Where do you find a particular type of whale?

In the Specific Ocean

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