UPJOKE
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My mom died because I couldnt remember her blood type

She kept saying "be positive " but it's going to be hard when she's not around

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

If I got $1 every time a woman said I wasn't her type

I'd be her type

(my 6yo) What type of medicine does Dracula take for a cold?

Coffin Medicine

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Which type of clam you shouldn't fuck with?

Wu-tang clam!

Friend : I have got Diabetes type 1

Me : 1

He blocked me, no idea what wrong I did.

In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison...

Poison I,II,III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain. However poison IV would make you really itchy.

what blood type are computers?

Typo

Knowledge is knowing that pineapples are not a type of apple

Wisdom is knowing not to put them on pizza.

There are 3 types of people.

1. People who know how to make good jokes.
2. People who know how to make good lists.

I put on my resume that I can type 700 characters per minute

Which is true, but apparently they expected these characters to form words.

To all the people who type "u" instead of "you" ...

What exactly do you do with all the extra time you saved?

There are two types of people in the world

1. People who can extrapolate from incomplete data

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

...

You can relax a person with a type-A personality by removing their type-P traits...

I'm telling you, remove the P-ness from their A-ness and they calm right down

Please help, I think someone is able to control my computer and type instead of me.

Actually you know what, I don't think that, that's absurd, nevermind.

A Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about my Mom "
"OK, let's hear" said the teacher.

"My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit".
"She had t...

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

What do you call it when one artillery projectile eats another of the same type?

Cannonballism

I divided two types of the LGBTQ into two sections...

There was the trans-section, and the bi-section.

What's a civil engineer's favorite type of tea?

Structural integri-tea

What is a baker’s favorite type of dog?

Pure Bread Dough-bermann.

What type of bathing suit did Luffy want Nami to wear?

A One Piece.

What type of milk do you get from a dwarf cow?

Condensed milk.

What type of pasta do crooked musical writers like?

Rigatoni

Men develop a type based on their favorite Disney princess.

I had a friend who was really into Cindarella and exclusively dates blonde women. Another loved snow white and is married to a woman with obsidian black hair. I was really into The Little Mermaid and that's why I am not allowed into the Fish Market anymore.

I went to a zoo that only had one type of dog

It was a shih tzu.

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A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

What are the strongest blood types?

ABs

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Three vampires walk into a bar... The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+"

and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a use...

What type of hair will Putin soon have on his head?

Crosshair

My father is a very down to earth type person

Buried 6 feet deep

What type of tree does a Satanist get for Christmas?

A Lucy Fir

What is a ghost’s favorite type of drink?

Boos

What type of underpants do lawyers wear?

Legal briefs.

A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood donor center.

The rabbit says: "I think I'm a type O."

Which type of metal do you need to be careful of?

Stainless Steel. Because they are SUS.

My father passed away last week because we couldn't find his right blood type for a tranfusion

He kept telling us to "Be Positive" but it's been really hard without him

My grandfather was such a brave man. Even while dying for want of a blood transfusion when nobody knew his blood type

with his last few words he kept telling us all to be positive.

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Does anyone know a good dick joke?

I do. But if I type it out on here, it would be too shlong.

What’s the most common type of owl?

The teat…

There are 2.00000001 types of programmers in the world

Those who experience off-by-one errors, and those who experience rounding errors.

My dad sent me a random text asking what type of lube do I use

I responded, “K…Y?”

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order.

She wrote her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomind...

I've heard polymer based condoms are the happiest type

They're ribbed for mer pleasure

Sorry if it is to sciencey

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The ma...

What’s an Emo’s favourite type of bath Bomb?

A toaster

Did you hear Sushi Restaurants are about to release a new type of roll?

It is the Lady Gaga Roll, and it is served Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw

What type of shark would you find in a Home Depot?

A hammerhead shark!

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4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

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There are 3 types of olive oil.

Virgin Olive Oil

Extra Virgin Olive Oil

And Olive Oil with a questionable past

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A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

What type of fish leads its school?

a sardean

Jesus and the Devil have challenged each other to a typing battle on MS Word

It's a close battle and they're down to the last word, when boom! Power outage!

When the power outage is resolved, all of the Devil's progress was lost, but Jesus only had one word to type!

Moral of the story: Jesus saves, and so should you.

I'm the outdoor type.

As soon as a woman mentions commitment, I'm out the door.

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?

HAAAAAAND EYYYYEEEEEEEE!

Last time when I was in someone’s type

Last time when I was in someone’s type was when I was donating blood….

What type of bug hates Christmas?

A humbug

What type of instrument do you find in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste

What type of money do you make when you donate to a sperm bank everyone day?

Passive incum

I need to decide what type of glass to use to fix my broken front door window...

...I could see myself replacing it with a mirror.

What type of glasses make you blind?

Shot glasses.

What is a golfer's favorite type of cheese?

Par-mesean

A general is inspecting the drydock where an advanced prototype is in the final stages of commissioning.

The project manager excitedly explains how the attack submarine will be much faster than an enemy due to an innovative design which drastically reduces drag forces. The general asks how progress is coming along.

The manager replies, “The propulsion system is complete, I think it's ready for ...

My ten year old daughter made this one up… thought it was pretty good. “What’s the least expensive type of car?”

Afford.

What’s the solar system’s favorite type of egg scramble?

Sunny-Side up…

I couldn’t resist

Where do you find a particular type of whale?

In the Specific Ocean

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So Liu Kang faces Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat…

After a long, brutal battle, Liu goes to the bar to celebrate his victory with his buddy Kung Lao.

Kung Lao asks: What happened to you? Why are you covered in red?

Liu Kang replies: Ah, it is the blood of Shang Tsung! He is defeated!

A week later Shang challenges Liu to a remat...

What type of shoes does a bully hate?

A goody two shoes.

What type of currency will Superman never accept?

Krypto-currency

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I was walking through the park and came across this guy typing on an old-fashioned typewriter.

He tapped his chin for a second before saying, "Othello" and began typing away.

Being the curious jerk that I am, I peered over his shoulder to see what he was doing.

He had typed "Othello" on one line and followed it with a description of the name as classically used in the English ...

What is Ronald Mcdonalds favourite weed type?

A burger joint

How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?

You start with the higher R key.

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What’s a scarecrows favorite type of porn?

Hard corn

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What type of elf is the rudest?

A go fuck yourself

What type of cheese will always hurt your tummy?

OUCHIES!!

Do you know what type of jokes Orthopedic Surgeons like?

Humerus ones!

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The Tale of Three Heavens

Once upon a time, long long ago, in village far far away, there lived a fairly affluent merchant who lived a nice luxurious life in his spacious mansion. The merchant befriended a homeless man who lived in front of the gates of his mansion and often gave him food.

One day, the merchant n...

What type of tomato smells best? \

A Roma

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Onions and Christmas Trees

A couple with a son and a daughter was having a meal together.

At a certain point, the son decides to ask the father:

“Dad, how many types of boobs are there?”

“Three.”

“How so?”

“When you’re 20, they’re like melons: gorgeous and round. When you’re 40, they’re like...

Three people walk into a bar. The first has type B blood. The Second type A blood. The third type P blood.

The person with type P blood says to the bartender, "I think I'm a type O"

Unconditional love

Repost due to incomplete joke, if anyone wants to trim it or change it for the better feel free:
I was watching Jimmy Kimmel and discussing where to go for lunch with my girlfriend when the topic of “unconditional love” was brought up. I nodded and told her “…of course I love you and you love...

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