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There are two types of people in this world: those that pee in the shower

And fucking liars.

What type of tree does a Satanist get for Christmas?

A Lucy Fir

What type of underpants do lawyers wear?

Legal briefs.

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type

As he died, he kept insisting “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.

What's a proofreader's blood type?

typo

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A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

There are two types of people I hate.

1. Racists

2. The French

Last time when I was in someone’s type

Last time when I was in someone’s type was when I was donating blood….

What type of instrument do you find in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste

What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?

HAAAAAAND EYYYYEEEEEEEE!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The ma...

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Did you know that there was 4 types of orgasms?

There’s the positive orgasm, negative orgasm, holy orgasm and the fake orgasm

The positive orgasm goes “Oh yes, ohh yess”,
the negative orgasm goes “Oh no, Ohh nooo”,
the holy orgasm goes “Oh God, ohh Godd”,
The fake orgasm goes “Oh •insert friends name•, ohh •insert friends name•...

What's a man's favorite type of tea?

The Tit-Tea.

There are 3 types of people...

...those who know how to count and those who don't

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What type of car do Japanese girls ride?

A Nissan.

What is a golfer's favorite type of cheese?

Par-mesean

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There’s 2 types of people in this world…those that pick their nose…

And fucking liars

What type of apple grows on a tree?



All of them.

What type of shoes does a bully hate?

A goody two shoes.

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I was walking through the park and came across this guy typing on an old-fashioned typewriter.

He tapped his chin for a second before saying, "Othello" and began typing away.

Being the curious jerk that I am, I peered over his shoulder to see what he was doing.

He had typed "Othello" on one line and followed it with a description of the name as classically used in the English ...

What’s the solar system’s favorite type of egg scramble?

Sunny-Side up…

I couldn’t resist

My ten year old daughter made this one up… thought it was pretty good. “What’s the least expensive type of car?”

Afford.

How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?

You start with the higher R key.

What type of money do you make when you donate to a sperm bank everyone day?

Passive incum

Where do you find a particular type of whale?

In the Specific Ocean

Do you know what type of jokes Orthopedic Surgeons like?

Humerus ones!

What type of tomato smells best? \

A Roma

Jesus and satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for severa...

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Pinocchio

Pinocchio is in bed with his girlfriend doing what wooden boys do with their girlfriends.

When it is over, he notices she is crying. He asks her what's wrong and she says : "Oh Pinocchio, you're the sweetest lover in the world, but every time we have sex, I get splinters!"

Pinocchio i...

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What’s a scarecrows favorite type of porn?

Hard corn

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was sur...

There are two types of comedy I enjoy:

Self-Defecating humor, and malaprops.

What type of Covid are cows most susceptible to?

The Mu variant.

What is Ronald Mcdonalds favourite weed type?

A burger joint

I have a couple types of jokes

The ones that rub people the wrong way more times than not are my JonBenet Ramsey Jokes. They’re not jokes about her, they’re just my jokes that never get old.

There are 11 types of errors when programming directly in binary...

Syntax errors,

Memory management errors,

Math errors, and

Off-by-one errors.

.
.

What type of currency will Superman never accept?

Krypto-currency

There are 11 types of people

binary, non-binary and those who think it's a transphobic joke

What is Super Mario’s Favorite Type of Clothing?

Denim denim denim

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What type of supplements do bodybuilding astronomers use?

Ass-steroids.

What type of cheese will always hurt your tummy?

OUCHIES!!

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic.

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit, “What is your blood type?” The rabbit responded, “I’m probably a type O.”

There are 2 types of people on this planet

Those who can extrapolate omitted data using existing data.

What is the happiest type of traveler?

Nomad

If there is Three types of people who I hate...

It's people who can't count

and hypocrites

Three people walk into a bar. The first has type B blood. The Second type A blood. The third type P blood.

The person with type P blood says to the bartender, "I think I'm a type O"

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat do...

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A WW2 pilot visited a girls school.

He was talking to the pupils about his time in the battle, and he said, “I was flying in formation when three fuckers came up behind me”.

The teacher quickly interjects, “young ladies, you must understand the ‘Fokker’ is a type of German aeroplane”.

The pilot replies, “yes, but these...

If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type

I'd be her type.

For my cake day, here's the oldest joke in my email, sent to me in 1996.

In honor of my cake day, I'm sharing the oldest joke in my email archive, that was sent to me on September 17, 1996.



Three unrelated men happen to die on the same day and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gates and says "Congratulations! You've all made it to Heaven. Now, de...

There are three types of people in this world

The ones that can count
And the ones who can’t

(This is a dumb joke but ALOT of people don’t get it even after I explain it)

Two windmills are in a field.

One windmill says to the other, "what type of music do you like?"


The other windmill replies, "well I'm a big metal fan."

There are 5 types of people in this word

Those who can spell, those who can count, and those who use reddit

What’s the blood type of a keyboard

A type-O

The three types of rings pertaining to marriage…

1. The engagement ring.
2. The wedding ring.
3. The suffering.

Grandpa died in the hospital because they had the wrong blood type on record

It was a Type O.

I felt great this morning! Realized there’s two types of people in this world, those who wake up in the morning and…

… those who don’t

A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career

He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.

In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job s...

Christmas has been a bit repetitive...

so I got a different type of tree just to spruce it up a bit

What type of bread do they eat for Rosh Hashanah in Wakanda?

T'Challah

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What type of belly button does a car have?

An Audi.

What type of pizza did the twin towers order?

Plain

What is the most common blood type in Taiwan?

Chinese Type-A.

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I swear autocorrect is amazing.

No that's not what I said, I meant to say autocorrect is wonderful.

No! That's not it either. Autocorrect is a piece of technology I couldn't live without. Praise autocorrect.

Oh you gotta be kidding me. No one likes you autocorrect, they love you.

I didn't even type that.
<...

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What was Hitler's favourite type of weather?

Heil!

What's a rodeo clown's favorite type of bar?

A honky tonk!

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When I was a teen, i'd have sex with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for sex.

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

A minister, a priest and a rabbit walked into a blood bank.

The rabbit said I think I am a Type-O

An old woman is talking with a relative at her 4th husband's funeral

She says to the relative "he was a good man" the relative nodded she then said ya know I've been married for the 4th time and this is the last, the relative asked "what were your other husband's like" the woman said "my first husband was a banker, he was a hard working man". The relative asks "what ...

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar

"Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type"

What type of online articles do bees read?

BuzzFeed

If a red bird has red babies and a blue bird has blue babies what type of bird has no babies?

A swallow.

Yo mama so stupid, her password requirement needed to be 8 characters long so she typed in

"Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs".

What is the most honest type of flower?

Lilac

There were two types of people in the Soviet Union

People who supported the Communist Party and dead people.

What’s the most dangerous type of alcohol?

Scotch.

It’s very whiskey.

Q anon conspiracy types must be absolutely fuming

they were promised a storm...

...and in the end all they got was a 'lil wayne.

I'm here all week.

What type of art is the favorite of the US Military?

Oil paintings

What type of computer does Ronald McDonald use?

A big mac

I got my blood drawn

To see what type I was. Unfortunately, the doctor made a Type-O.

Steve sees an ad for hiring a music producer.

The ad reads: "MUSIC PRODUCER WANTED! Must be able to play piano, type 40 words a minute, and be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer!" So he decides to go apply for the job.

The hiring manager is pleased with his resume but says, "Well your resume looks good, but I have to admit S...

There are 3 types of lies

1. A lie

2. A damn lie

3. Statistics


Got told this by statistics professor yrs ago. Also bonus: 87.9% of statistics are made up.

What type of fruit always has a wedding?

Cantaloupe

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What type of elf is the rudest?

A go fuck yourself

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

What type of coffee wake you up the best in the morning?

Any coffee that spilt over your laptop.

There are two types of candy

The good ones,
and the ones dad eats

What type of sights are used on the guns of the Indian Army?

Red Dot

What type of music can the Royal Family not listen to?

Royalty Free Music

What is a chickens favorite type of beer?

Double Bock.

What type of image formats do lion photographers use?

RAWR

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

Made up on the spot, and told to me by my 13yo son just now: What's a dog's favorite type of meat?

Wag-yu.

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

What type of sandals do frogs wear?

Open-toad.

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It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

What type of doctor treats tumors and is available 24/7?

An Oncallogist

There are 10 types of people in the world.

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There was an order of friars…

There was a religious order of friars who had to figure out a way to raise money in order to do much needed repairs to their monastery. They were so good at growing flowers they decided to open a florist shop. After all, there was only one other florist in town and he was overpriced, not to mention ...

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Never look up Furry porn

It a different type of rabbit hole.

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