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Type Jokes

There are 3 types of people in the world; those who are good at math...

And those who aren't.

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine i should use to get the best looking women

He said the ATM outside

what type of blood do ghosts donate?

plasma

There are two type of countries.

Those that use the metric system and those that have been to the moon and have recreated nuclear fusion.

When the paramedics asked if I knew my injured ex-girlfriend’s blood type, I gave them the wrong one.

Now she’ll get to know what rejection feels like

What is your least favorite type of race?

Me personally I don't like marathons

There are 10 types of people in the world

The ones who understand binary and the ones who don't. And apparently eight more the guy wouldn't tell me about. Smug git

There are two types of people:

1. People who are able to extrapolate from incomplete data

What's the best type of dog to bring to a library?

A hush puppy

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When you've been around as long as me… you'll know that there are three types of sex… One – brand-new, kitchen-table sex; Two – bedroom sex;

then number three – hallway sex… when you pass each other in the hallway and say 'f**k you.’

Which type of loan does an introvert prefer?

A leave me alone.

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What type of bee makes milk instead of honey?

Boobies!

There’s a new “Door Dash” type service for cocaine.

It’s called “Insta Gram.”

What is a lemur's favorite type of make-up?

Madagascara

There are two types of people in this world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

And those with an uncontrollable urge to finish the sentence even at the expense of the joke.

What type of wine do traders drink?

ImPORT/ ExPORT

What type of liquid makes a waterbed the bounciest?

Spring water

What's the only type of pizza you can order in North Korea?

The Supreme Pizza

My wife was very much open to the idea of naming our child after a type of flower.

She wasn’t so happy when I suggested the type should be “self-raising”.

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type.

As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

There are three types of people

the people who can count, and the people who can’t

Did you know there is a very rare type of milk?

I don't know the name of it but my Dad has been looking for it for years.

What did the doctor tell the nurse after he made a mistake on the blood type record

He made a type o

If a blue bird has blue babies and a red bird has red babies what type of bird has no babies?

A Swallow

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

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What type of bees make milk?

Boobees

What is Medusa's favorite type of cheese?

Gorgonzola

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

What type of salad did they serve on the Titanic?

Iceberg lettuce.

I'll try to translate a joke from my language..

So this blonde goes to the Doctor for a checkup so doc starts asking her:

Age? She starts counting using her fingers, says 22 !

Height? She sees a measuring type of about 5 meters, takes it barely gets to measuring and says 1.75

Then the Doc says, ok could I have your FIRSt nam...

What is the dwarfs favorite type of cake?

Shortcake.

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What's a prostitute's favorite type of party?

A Ho-Down.

There are two types of puns.

The great puns, which are great to hear, and the grate puns, which grate your ears.

A man walks into a department store

He says to sales lady "I would like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look the sales lady asked "what kind of bra?"

He repeated a "Baptist bra, she said to tell you she wanted a Baptist bra, and you would know what she wanted."

"Ah now I remember" sai...

What's every men favourite type of tea?

Tea Tea's

There was this musician in North Korea…

One day he was called upon Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean orchestra play it to him in the humble auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked.
The big night arrived with the musician stood at the fron...

If I got $1 every time a woman said I wasn't her type

I'd be her type

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Guy gets hired as a salesman at a huge big box store...

....the type of store that sells everything.

At the end of the first month he is top salesperson, and the boss calls him in for a chat.

"You're amazing" says his grateful boss, "your first month on the job and you're top salesperson already! Not sure how you do it, for example just the...

A Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about my Mom "
"OK, let's hear" said the teacher.

"My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit".
"She had t...

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A blind man interviews for a job at a lumber company and the interviewer doubts the man’s abilities. He says, “how could you possibly be qualified for this job?”, to which the man replied, “I can tell any type of wood just by the smell. “

A blind man interviews for a job at a lumber company and the interviewer doubts the man’s abilities. He says, “how could you possibly be qualified for this job?”, to which the man replied, “I can tell any type of wood just by the smell. “
The interviewer doubts this and sets up a test of the m...

Yo mama...

So dyslexic even her blood is Type-O

With the international mathematics conference in town, the bars around the convention center were hopping.

As was her custom, the evening manager was going from table to table greeting her guests. When she got to the first table, there were eight mathematicians seated. Strange, she thought, since there were only six seats, but some of them were getting a bit frisky and were sitting on others' laps.
...

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A little girl was on summer break, and some guys showed up to work on the house across the street

Being the curious type, she decided to walk over and offer her help. The guys said sure, of course she could. So they gave her little jobs to do all week, "bring these screws over to Ray" and that sort of thing. After the week was over, they decided to give her a little payment, and handed her an en...

What type of people won’t stop warning about the end of the world?

Flat earthers

What kind of berries are these?

\- What kind of berries are these?

\- These are red Currants

\- Then Why are they yellow?

\- Because they are green



Joke explanation for those who didn't understand really fun and smart joke.

So this joke is from Lithuania (it is a country in Europe) So fo...

What is a zombie's favorite type of weather?

A brainstorm.

The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale.

I never sausage a selection.

The other day I met a sentient ant who grew fond of me. It turns out he has the ability to type and write as well…

This looks like it’s all a cake day joke, but it’s just fondant.

In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison...

Poison I, II, III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However poison IV would make you really itchy.

I asked old Maud how she lost her husband. She told me her sad story…

"Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman's life.

Tragically, I've never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye.
I'll never ...

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A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

what's a Mexicans favourite type of joke?

Juan liners

What was Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?

(Inhales) HAND EEEEYYYEEE

What type of beasts of burden do weird farmers keep?

Unorthodoxen.

My grandfather just died recently.

He needed a blood transfusion quickly but he was so incoherent near the end that he couldn't tell us what his type was. He never lost his optimism though, he kept telling us all "be positive!" He truly was an inspiration.

What type of shoes do bananas wear.

Slippers

What's the spookiest data type?

***Boo***\-lean!

(my 6yo) What type of medicine does Dracula take for a cold?

Coffin Medicine

What type of plant is most satisfying to own?

A succ-you-lent

There are only two types of hair: public hair and pubic hair.

But that's one L of a difference.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Why do many people keeping buying Mudéjar art?

Because it is Moor-ish!

>!I realise that this joke is relying on fairly uncommon words like Mudéjar, Moor and moreish - which will reduce how many people will enjoy the joke. But I didn't think that should stop it from being shared. Words explained below!<

>!Mudéjar art: Refer...

What's a mumble rapper's favourite type of coffee?

Lawttee

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4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

To all the people who type "u" instead of "you" ...

What exactly do you do with all the extra time you saved?

What kind of stone do you need to evolve eevee into a ghost type?

Easy

any stone can do the job, just remember aim for the head

Gang

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates.

This being a first St. Peter ran to God and said "God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".

God replied, "Just do what you normally do with th...

Knowledge is knowing that pineapples are not a type of apple

Wisdom is knowing not to put them on pizza.

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An Arab guy living in the desert

Who is a specialist in hunting some rare type of birds for food, he usually catches a lot but since it was a rough season he would be blessed to even catch 1 bird, one day he got very lucky and caught 2,

As he was heading home, he encountered a stranger who was lost, the guy offered him to st...

You can relax a person with a type-A personality by removing their type-P traits...

I'm telling you, remove the P-ness from their A-ness and they calm right down

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What’s the most popular type of porn for dogs?

Big Black Cockerspaniel

Technology is dominated by two types of people:

Those who understand what they do not manage and those who manage what they do not understand.

Friend : I have got Diabetes type 1

Me : 1

He blocked me, no idea what wrong I did.

What do you call it when one artillery projectile eats another of the same type?

Cannonballism

I put on my resume that I can type 700 characters per minute

Which is true, but apparently they expected these characters to form words.

When my friends talk about the 80s they think of boom boxes..i had to stop them.

That's just a stereo type

There are 3 types of people.

1. People who know how to make good jokes.
2. People who know how to make good lists.

What type of milk do you get from a dwarf cow?

Condensed milk.

What type of tree does a Satanist get for Christmas?

A Lucy Fir

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In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

What type of underpants do lawyers wear?

Legal briefs.

Men develop a type based on their favorite Disney princess.

I had a friend who was really into Cindarella and exclusively dates blonde women. Another loved snow white and is married to a woman with obsidian black hair. I was really into The Little Mermaid and that's why I am not allowed into the Fish Market anymore.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The ma...

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What type of elf is the rudest?

A go fuck yourself

Women sometimes make fools of men

But most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

What's a civil engineer's favorite type of tea?

Structural integri-tea

One morning the Viceroy of India went to visit his old army pal Major Barrington, who owned an orchard.

Walking through the orchard, the Viceroy marveled at all the different varieties of fruit: oranges, apples, bananas, pineapples, mangoes, guavas. "Why, you must have twenty different types of apples I've never heard of!" he remarked.

"Oh, that's nothing," replied the Major. "I'll bet you ther...

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Three vampires walk into a bar... The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+"

and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a use...

My father is a very down to earth type person

Buried 6 feet deep

Please help, I think someone is able to control my computer and type instead of me.

Actually you know what, I don't think that, that's absurd, nevermind.

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

I divided two types of the LGBTQ into two sections...

There was the trans-section, and the bi-section.

What is a baker’s favorite type of dog?

Pure Bread Dough-bermann.

What type of money do you make when you donate to a sperm bank everyone day?

Passive incum

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