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A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

There are two types of people I hate.

1. Racists

2. The French

There are two types of people in the world.

Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.

There are 10 types of people in the world...

One who understands hexadecimal, and the other F.

What type of money do you make when you donate to a sperm bank everyone day?

Passive incum

There are 11 types of errors when programming directly in binary...

Syntax errors,

Memory management errors,

Math errors, and

Off-by-one errors.

.
.

What's a pirates favourite type of egg?

CaviARRR

What is Ronald Mcdonalds favourite weed type?

A burger joint

Blood type

My father died while the paramedics were trying to figure out his blood type he kept saying “Be Positive” but it’s just so hard.

There are 11 types of people

binary, non-binary and those who think it's a transphobic joke

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What type of supplements do bodybuilding astronomers use?

Ass-steroids.

What type of currency will Superman never accept?

Krypto-currency

What is Super Mario’s Favorite Type of Clothing?

Denim denim denim

What type of tea is the only type Brits don’t enjoy?

Penaltea.

What type of cheese will always hurt your tummy?

OUCHIES!!

There are 2 types of people on this planet

Those who can extrapolate omitted data using existing data.

What's Palpatine's favorite type of song?

Duet.

What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?

HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was sur...

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4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

What is the happiest type of traveler?

Nomad

If there is Three types of people who I hate...

It's people who can't count

and hypocrites

Three people walk into a bar. The first has type B blood. The Second type A blood. The third type P blood.

The person with type P blood says to the bartender, "I think I'm a type O"

There are three types of people in this world

The ones that can count
And the ones who can’t

(This is a dumb joke but ALOT of people don’t get it even after I explain it)

What type of bread do they eat for Rosh Hashanah in Wakanda?

T'Challah

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I swear autocorrect is amazing.

No that's not what I said, I meant to say autocorrect is wonderful.

No! That's not it either. Autocorrect is a piece of technology I couldn't live without. Praise autocorrect.

Oh you gotta be kidding me. No one likes you autocorrect, they love you.

I didn't even type that.
<...

What is a Russians favorite type of poutine?

Vladimir.

I felt great this morning! Realized there’s two types of people in this world, those who wake up in the morning and…

… those who don’t

What’s the blood type of a keyboard

A type-O

Grandpa died in the hospital because they had the wrong blood type on record

It was a Type O.

What's a rodeo clown's favorite type of bar?

A honky tonk!

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

The three types of rings pertaining to marriage…

1. The engagement ring.
2. The wedding ring.
3. The suffering.

What type of online articles do bees read?

BuzzFeed

What is the most common blood type in Taiwan?

Chinese Type-A.

What type of pizza did the twin towers order?

Plain

There are 5 types of people in this word

Those who can spell, those who can count, and those who use reddit

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What type of belly button does a car have?

An Audi.

There were two types of people in the Soviet Union

People who supported the Communist Party and dead people.

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It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

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When I was a teen, i'd have sex with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for sex.

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

A White Missionary in an African Tribe

A white missionary was visiting an African tribe. After a year of sharing the same village, the chieftain's wife gave birth...to a white baby.

The chieftain was enraged and called for the preacher's death. The missionary attempted to calm the chief, asking him to take a walk with him through ...

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What was Hitler's favourite type of weather?

Heil!

What is the most honest type of flower?

Lilac

Yo mama so stupid, her password requirement needed to be 8 characters long so she typed in

"Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs".

If a red bird has red babies and a blue bird has blue babies what type of bird has no babies?

A swallow.

What’s the most dangerous type of alcohol?

Scotch.

It’s very whiskey.

What type of art is the favorite of the US Military?

Oil paintings

What type of coffee wake you up the best in the morning?

Any coffee that spilt over your laptop.

There are 3 types of lies

1. A lie

2. A damn lie

3. Statistics


Got told this by statistics professor yrs ago. Also bonus: 87.9% of statistics are made up.

What type of fruit always has a wedding?

Cantaloupe

What is a chickens favorite type of beer?

Double Bock.

There are two types of candy

The good ones,
and the ones dad eats

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type

I'd be her type.

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Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan


the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser....

Q anon conspiracy types must be absolutely fuming

they were promised a storm...

...and in the end all they got was a 'lil wayne.

I'm here all week.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans.

The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

What type of computer does Ronald McDonald use?

A big mac

Made up on the spot, and told to me by my 13yo son just now: What's a dog's favorite type of meat?

Wag-yu.

What type of sights are used on the guns of the Indian Army?

Red Dot

What type of music can the Royal Family not listen to?

Royalty Free Music

What type of doctor treats tumors and is available 24/7?

An Oncallogist

What type of image formats do lion photographers use?

RAWR

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The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need a transfusion.

&nbsp;

As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally,
the ...

Blood type

A priest, a minister and a Rabbit walk together into the blood donation centre.
The nurse asks “What’s your blood type?”
The Rabbit says “I’m probably a Type O”.

There are 10 types of people in the world.

01010100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 00110001 00110000 00100000 01110100 01111001 01110000 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110000 01100101 01101111 01110000 01101100 01100101 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01110100 011...

What type of sandals do frogs wear?

Open-toad.

What type of math are rabbits the best at?

Multiplication.

Good news / Bad news type thing...

Good news: My test came back negative.

Bad news: It was an IQ test.

A family of potatoes sat down to dinner...

...There was a mom potato, dad potato, and three daughter potatoes. The oldest daughter potato said "I have exciting news! I'm getting married!"

The family bustled with excitement. "We're so happy for you!" said dad potato, "who is the lucky fellow?"

"He's an Idaho potato," said the el...

What did Forrest Gump say when asked what his favorite type of pasta is?

I love you Penne

What's The Tin Man's favorite type of music?

He's a big heavy metal guy.

What's the happiest type of glass?

Blown glass

In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

Why do doctors make more money from circumcisions than other types of procedures?

It's the only procedure in which they collect tips!

Help Wanted

There's a dog walking down the street and he sees a sign in a shop window that says:

"HELP WANTED"

"Must be able to type 60 words per minute."

"Must be computer literate."

"Must be bilingual."

"An equal opportunity employer."

So, the dog goes inside and asks...

My friends asked me where they could get a decent coffee table and I said I could make one for them for $500. They were delighted and agreed to it. But when I eventually got it to them, they seemed really ungrateful.

I have no idea why, it was fantastic. It rated 100 different types of coffee from 1 -10 and was one of the best spreadsheets I’ve ever made.

The other day I was travelling down one of those spiral type car parks. As I set off, on the top floor, I spotted someone smashing a car window and attempting to steal the radio. On the 2nd floor I saw a youth key right down the side of another car.

On the bottom floor, I saw a couple throw a load of rubbish out of their car window....I couldn't believe my eyes.


It was just wrong on so many levels!

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There are two types of people in the world: Those who walk on the side opposing traffic,

And those who walk on the side w- OH FUCK WHERE DID YOU COME FROM SLOW THE FUCK DOWN

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept insisting, "Be positive!", but it's difficult to be positive without him.

When I went out for a curry last week I saw that the menu had about 20 different types of curry on it.

So I asked for a clean one.

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What type of elf is the rudest?

A go fuck yourself

I filled out a form wrong and accidentally gave a patient a bag of the wrong blood type.

It was a Type-O

What is a nun's favourite type of cheese?

Swiss cheese, cuz they're holey

A Preist, a Pastor, and a Rabbit

A preist, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse at the front desk notices them waiting and asks them if they know their blood types; they're very low on specific types of blood, as usual.

The rabbit hurriedly hops up and says "Yep, I'm a type A-."

The nurs...

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Do you know how a person who likes any type of porn is called?

Jack of all trades

There’s 4 different types of human skin

One skin, two skin, three skin and...

There are two types of countries in this world.....

Those that use the metric system, and those that have set foot on the moon.

What type of joke is the best joke?

A Communist joke, because everyone gets it.

What's your favorite asian stereo type?

Personally, I love sony sound system with surround sound.

There are two types of people.

Some people only see black and white and refuse to acknowledge shades and complex non-straightforward situations, and the others... no, wait, I've changed my mind.

They say certain types of people can resist a good click bait.

Apparently you aren’t one of them.

When people type something wrong it is called a typo.

So if I say something wrong is it called a talko?

What type of tree fits in the palm of your hand?

A seedling


If you thought a palm tree... well... I don’t know what to tell you

What type of burger isn't allowed on the titanic?

An iceburger

What do llamas type when they are laughing?

Llamao

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What type of bee's make milk not honey?

Boobies

My 5 year olds favourite joke

Why do Women and Children evacuate first during any type of disaster

So men can think of solutions in silence

There are two types of people

People who can focus long enough to finish their joke

What is a 4 letter word that can be used to describe a particular type of woman which ends in U-N-T?

Aunt

What is a kidnapper’s favorite type of shoe?

White Vans

(courtesy of my dark-humored step-kiddo)

SpaceX have developed a new type of rocket that can fly to the moon in record-breaking time.

It's a regular rocket, with "GME" written on it.

What type of shoes does Voldemort wear?

Horcrocs

Two windmills are standing on a wind farm.

One asks the other, “What’s your favorite type of music?”

*“I’m a big metal fan.”*

The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale.

I never sausage a selection.

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