UPJOKE
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Breed Jokes

I tried to breed a Golden Retriever with a Rottweiler.

I ended up with a litter of rotten retrievers.

What breed of horses are nocturnal?

Nightmares.

I have a bull that wouldn't breed with the other cows.

So I called the veterinarian and he gave me some pills for the bull. About 2 hours after giving the pills to the bull, he started breeding with all the cows, he even broke the fence and bred with the neighbors cows. I don't know what was in those pills, but they kind of taste like peppermint.

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What dog breed is the funniest?

Pit bulls, they leave everyone in stitches.



Disclaimer: I am a pit owner, and I still found this funny. Please don’t inundate me with pro-pitty rebuttals, I already know.

List if 10 worst dog breeds

1. There
2. Are
3. No
4. Bad
5. Dog
6. Breeds
7. Only
8. Bad
9. Owners
10. Chihuahuas

Which breed of dogs can jump higher than buildings?

Any dogs, because buildings can't jump.

What do you get when you breed a snake with a hedgehog?

Barbed wire

I've never been through anything scarier than that time I tried to breed rabbits.

It was a hare-raising experience.

Two sisters inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 available.

The older sister says, "I’m going t...

How do you stop a vampire from breeding?

Don't give it permission to come inside.

They say familiarity breeds contempt

but I hardly know you.

A zookeeper couldn't get his snakes to breed

The vet said he had a reptile dysfunction

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i tried my hand at breeding chickens

Turns out they only like cocks

What dog breed always arrives in 2nd place?

Silver retrievers.

Pandas have finally started breeding together in captivity

According to staffers, the place just suddenly erupted into panda-moan-ium

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What’s Your Name, Sailor?

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

\-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

\- “John,” the new seaman replied.

\- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call a...

What breed of roosters lay eggs

Himalayan.

A blonde sees a cow with no horns...

...so she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why wouldn't a cow have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and...

I inherited my uncle's deer breeding business worth 50 million bucks

That's a lot of doe

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What do you get when you breed an elephant and a duck?

A dead duck with gaping asshole

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea, but I wouldn’t try milking it.

So I guess there was this rancher who was growing a really weird breed of cattle.

They were a really vivid blue green color.  No one could believe it... They thought he was airbrushing them or painting them or using Instagram filters or photoshop.

Finally an fda inspector--Neal Beal was his name--wanted to go out to the ranch and see for himself whether these cows were re...

Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?

It’s eel-eagle.

Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?

It’s Eeleagle

Never been sure what breed my dog is

She’s kind of squatty with floppy ears. When we have supper she begs for our plates and bowls to lick then naps in the den.

Unless we have chili. Then she stays by the stove guarding the pot of chili.

Pretty sure she’s a chili dog.

Pure Breed?

A Polar Bear and his son were walking through the icy glaciers, when the little Polar Bear says to his father, "Dad... are we pure blooded Polar Bear?" The father bear looks at his son and says, "Why, yes son, of course we are!"

The next day the little Polar Bear is hunting for seals with his...

I went to the Pet store to buy some exotic breeding birds

The Assistant said "have you got a Store card?"

I said no but I think I've just excited a Pelican

Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed.

The first says, “I’ll grant you are the closest I have ever
seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance. No foot, no horse!”

The second horse says, “I’ll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are th...

Q: What was Darwin’s favorite Breed of Dog?

A: *The Beagle*

What do you get when you breed a pit bull with a shih tzu?

Yiff.

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A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

What breed of horse is made out of cheese?

A mascapony

At my city, we have a zoo which is only filled with dogs. Even worse, there’s only one breed of dogs inside the zoo.

It’s a shih tzu.

A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize

"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"

"John."

"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Sm...

So a couple of farmers are standing around talking. One goes you know, "I had a bull who just wouldn't breed anything, so I took him to the vet and she gave me some pills to give to him. Well he bred all of my cows and jumped the fence and bred all of the neighbors cows!"

The other farmer looked at him and asked what kind of pills they were and the first one responds, "I don't know, but they kinda taste like mint."

I've been breeding racing deer

Just trying to make a quick buck

A farmer takes his pigs to the breeder

A farmer one day decides he’d like to multiply his pigs but only has two sows, so he takes them to a farm a ways away with some impressive hogs to breed them with.

He gets there on the first day and after the deed is done he asks the other farmer “Say, how will I know it worked” to which the...

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A new farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them.

After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know ...

How does Santa choose which female reindeer to breed with his prized stud?

By choosing the one that’s the best bang for the buck.

I would rather breed mice than crows

Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.

I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?'

He replied: 'It's pure bread.'

I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.

My homework ate my dog.

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There's a breed of black chickens that actually hatch black eggs!

Search up "black cocks" yourself if you don't believe me.

I've been breeding non-aggressive Siamese fighting fish.

I call them beta bettas.

What happens when two dogs breed in a pound?

Dog pound dog pounds dog pound dog.

A Dutchman and an Englishmen meet in a beach bar on holiday.

The Dutchman speaks hardly any English and the Englishman, inevitably, even less Dutch, but they still enjoy each other's company and knock back a few beers together. After a while the Englishman manages to get across a question: "what is it that you do for a living?"

The Dutchman says carefu...

A lot of people don’t know that Lisa Kudrow has a bachelor's degree in Biology

She was visiting an old school friend who was doing a research project on the genetics of rats and they were showing her their breeding pairs. “This is the Mama Rat A who has a gene sequence that makes her produce more young, and with her is the Papa Rat A who has a trait that causes him to sire un...

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My family has a farm and we breed and raise pheasants. An interesting fact most people don’t know about pheasants; they actually die right after having sex

At least the ones I fucked did

What did the Pug say to the Sheltie?

Why the long face?

Scientists say they discovered a rare breed of dinosaur known for infidelity

It was called Doyouthinkhesaurus

Billy: "Your mare - what breed is it?" Jack: "No clue, but it beat the winner of this year's Kentucky Derby. " "Why wasn't it entered for the Triple Crown?" "Problem is, it gallops only at night. Snoozes in the daytime."

"Tsk tsk tsk... a nightmare."

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A farmer buys a cock to breed his hens...

The first day the cock fucks every hen of the farmer.
Needless to say the farmer is amazed.
The second day the cock fucks every hen plus the geese.
Needless to say the farmer is impressed and a bit worried about the cock...
Then, at the evening of the third day the cock is laying motio...

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

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What do you call an animal sanctuary that breeds small dogs?

A shit zoo

Everyone says that as a nice guy/gentleman, I'm a dying breed and that I should be on the endanger species list.

I wonder if there is a breeding program for my kind.

Note: First time posting on r/Jokes

It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays...

...they seem to be a dying breed

The man who cross breeds labradors and poodles will be adequate for the job at hand.

The labradoodle dude'll do.

My hairdresser friend has started breeding dogs.

He calls them shampoodles.

Breeding Seagulls and Eagles has now been outlawed in the United States.

The rationale behind this was that the new creature became incredibly sick upon birth. People have been breeding ill eagle seagulls this entire time.

What dog is breed is a ‘divorce’?

My parents said they’re getting one

[OC] What's Fred Flintstone favourite dog breed?

The Labradabradooooor

two farmers are talking

and one is lamenting to the other.

"man, I've got all these female cows and no male bulls to breed with them. It's gonna cost me a fortune to rent bulls!"

the other farmer responds, "don't sweat it joe, I've got tons of bulls so tomorrow, pack your cows up in your truck and drive them...

My neighbor has a 15 acre farm, he breeds dogs to do work on them. He grows cantaloupe, and come harvest time the dogs sniff out the ripe ones and bring them back to the barn.

He says the breed are Melon Collies

What do you get when you cross breed a Chihuahua with a Great Dane?

A dead chihuahua

A new breed of sheep have been raising the

Baaaahhhhh

Paddy and Mick.

Paddy: I have bought a Puppy.

Mick: Oh nice, what breed have you bought?

Paddy: A Labrador.

Mick: You bloody idiot.

Paddy: Oh! why is that?

Mick: All Labrador owners I have seen go blind....

Earlier the Rich had cars and the poor had horses. Now the Poor have cars and the Rich breed horses

Oh how the stables have turned

A New Breed of Elephant

I took my seven year old son to the zoo today. We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.

“What did you just call it?” I asked.

“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!”...

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Three guys participate in an annual contest of monkey breeding..

The rules are simple, each participant have an intercourse with a monkey, who can make the monkey give birth to most baby monkeys, wins.

Number three is the last 3 years champion and a natural favorite. Everybody bets their money on him.

First guy gets in an spends 4 hours with the mon...

I want to start a deer breeding business

but first I'm gonna need about 5000 bucks

A brunette and her blonde sister live in the rural Southwest US, having inherited their family ranch.

The Great Depression hit them hard, and they only have $600 left.



Fearing that their ranch would be repossessed, the brunette goes to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock. She tells her sister "I'll come and contact you when I make the purchase", and promptly departs.

<...

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The American Kennel Club has recognized new dog breeds.

* Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter. Great for Christmas.
* Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer. Smells like fresh mountain dog.
* Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador. Won't stop barking.
* Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere. A dog that's true til the end.
* Terrier...

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Farmer tries to breed pigs

A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.

The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, ...

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The white cow is ready for breeding

The white cow is ready for breeding and little Jimmy's dad explains that the white cow needs a visit from the bull and that the brown cow is too young so they will need to keep it separated until it gets older.

Two hours later Jimmy runs to his dad and says "the bull just fucked the brown c...

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Farmer John and his bull

There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.
Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over...

How do Goatmen breed?

They Faunicate!

Did you know that there's a breed of dog who loves science?

You can tell which one it is because they're always wearing a lab coat.

The pug

A guy tells his buddy, "I got my wife a dog for her birthday."

His buddy asks, "What breed?"

"It's a pug, the guys says. "And, despite the squashed nose, the bulging eyes and the rolls of fat, the dog really seems to like her."

What breed will Donald Trumps dog be if he wins the election?

A Border Collie

I breed some of the worlds best thoroughbred race horses

They are absolutely outstanding in their field

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TIFU by using Google Translate to talk about my girlfriend’s dog breed

Apparently “Basic Bitch” doesn’t mean the same thing as “Standard Poodle.”

How to Convince an Orthodox Christian Family to get a Dog?

Tell them it's a Cross Breed.

What do you call an Italian and African mosquito cross-breed?

Is a me! Malario!

What do you get when you try to breed a dog and a wolf?

2 counts of animal abuse and the ending of Old Yeller

Most popular dog breed in New Mexico?

The Meth Lab.

I found enlightenment after eating slices of a cold garlic sausage made from a breed of South American camelid

all thanks to the deli llama

I had a test covering several breeds of Chinese plants.

It was multiple choys.

The most loyal, kind and noble of all dog breeds is the hot dog...

He's the only one who feeds the hand that bites him

Based on a True Story: A breeding pair of crocodiles ate two European tourists in Australia

This actually happened back when I was a kid in the 90's: A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and consumed by a pair of crocodiles in Australia. The female ate the Frenchman.

The Czech was in the male.

I want to open a Reserve to breed, arm and train West Lowland Gorillas to fight Jihadists.

I'm going to call it Boko Harambe

Bought a pet rock. It looked lonely so I bought another. I dunno how, but they started breeding. Months later there was gravel and stones everywhere. I couldn't take it anymore and had enough.

Threw it all in a canvas sack, weighed it down with a couple of puppies, and tossed it in the river.

I had to stop breeding rabbits...

I found it to be a hare raising experience.

I had to close my ghost breeding business

After being convicted of 18 counts of murder

I used to breed rabbits.

Then I realized that they pretty much know what to do.

Why did the hipster salmon not get to breed?

He didnt use the main stream

They say revolution breeds revolution.

Resistance is fertile.

What would you get if you cross breed a Borg with a Ferengi?

A scientologist.

A farmer was asked why he specifically breed satanist Yaks on his farm..

...he said he simply enjoys the yakult.

A man was rravelling along a country road in his car, when a strange thing passed and overtook him.

Not wanting to be outdone, the man speeds up his car, but is unable to catch up to the thing. Just before reaching a side road, he sees the thing dissappear into some bushes at the side of the road.

The man turns off at the parallel road and stops at a farmhouse there. He gets out and rings t...

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