UPJOKE
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Breed Jokes

What breed of horses are nocturnal?

Nightmares.

Pure Breed?

A Polar Bear and his son were walking through the icy glaciers, when the little Polar Bear says to his father, "Dad... are we pure blooded Polar Bear?" The father bear looks at his son and says, "Why, yes son, of course we are!"

The next day the little Polar Bear is hunting for seals with his...

The population of the countryside were almost wiped out entirely by a rare breed of ticks that live and breed inside the mouths of Alpacas.

The survivors now live in a post Alpaca lip tick wasteland.

Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?

It’s Eeleagle

Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?

It’s eel-eagle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What dog breed is the funniest?

Pit bulls, they leave everyone in stitches.



Disclaimer: I am a pit owner, and I still found this funny. Please don’t inundate me with pro-pitty rebuttals, I already know.

List if 10 worst dog breeds

1. There
2. Are
3. No
4. Bad
5. Dog
6. Breeds
7. Only
8. Bad
9. Owners
10. Chihuahuas

Pit bulls are the dog breed that most values higher education

A lot of them go after their masters.

Why did the alligator stop breeding turtles?

Because of a reptile dysfunction.

I tried to breed a Golden Retriever with a Rottweiler.

I ended up with a litter of rotten retrievers.

Which breed of dogs can jump higher than buildings?

Any dogs, because buildings can't jump.

I have a bull that wouldn't breed with the other cows.

So I called the veterinarian and he gave me some pills for the bull. About 2 hours after giving the pills to the bull, he started breeding with all the cows, he even broke the fence and bred with the neighbors cows. I don't know what was in those pills, but they kind of taste like peppermint.

What breed of roosters lay eggs

Himalayan.

They say familiarity breeds contempt

but I hardly know you.

What dog breed always arrives in 2nd place?

Silver retrievers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them.

After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know ...

How do you stop a vampire from breeding?

Don't give it permission to come inside.

A zookeeper couldn't get his snakes to breed

The vet said he had a reptile dysfunction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Designer dog breeds

So they have all sorts of new designer dog breeds out there now. Things like the Labradoodle, Goldendoodle, and a Puggle. I have a dog that's a mix between a dachshund and a Shih Tzu, they call it Dachshit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i tried my hand at breeding chickens

Turns out they only like cocks

I've never been through anything scarier than that time I tried to breed rabbits.

It was a hare-raising experience.

Never been sure what breed my dog is

She’s kind of squatty with floppy ears. When we have supper she begs for our plates and bowls to lick then naps in the den.

Unless we have chili. Then she stays by the stove guarding the pot of chili.

Pretty sure she’s a chili dog.

Give a man an egg and he’ll eat for a day

Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you’re “taking science too far.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says "Talking Dog: $10:

He walks up to the gate, and there's a beautiful labrador retriever in the front yard.

"Hello, how are you?" says the dog.

"Oh my goodness. You really can talk!"

"Yep, sure can," says the dog.

"So what's your story?" he asks.

"Well, I discovered I could talk when ...

I've been breeding racing deer

Just trying to make a quick buck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you breed an elephant and a duck?

A dead duck with gaping asshole

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea, but I wouldn’t try milking it.

Q: What was Darwin’s favorite Breed of Dog?

A: *The Beagle*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Farmer tries to breed pigs

A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.

The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, ...

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a breed of black chickens that actually hatch black eggs!

Search up "black cocks" yourself if you don't believe me.

What breed of horse is made out of cheese?

A mascapony

I inherited my uncle's deer breeding business worth 50 million bucks

That's a lot of doe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer buys a cock to breed his hens...

The first day the cock fucks every hen of the farmer.
Needless to say the farmer is amazed.
The second day the cock fucks every hen plus the geese.
Needless to say the farmer is impressed and a bit worried about the cock...
Then, at the evening of the third day the cock is laying motio...

I would rather breed mice than crows

Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.

I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.

My homework ate my dog.

A blonde sees a cow with no horns...

...so she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why wouldn't a cow have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and...

It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays...

...they seem to be a dying breed

What happens when two dogs breed in a pound?

Dog pound dog pounds dog pound dog.

What's Devo's favourite breed of dog?

Whippet. Whippet good.

A New Breed of Elephant

I took my seven year old son to the zoo today. We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.

“What did you just call it?” I asked.

“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!”...

How do Goatmen breed?

They Faunicate!

So I guess there was this rancher who was growing a really weird breed of cattle.

They were a really vivid blue green color.  No one could believe it... They thought he was airbrushing them or painting them or using Instagram filters or photoshop.

Finally an fda inspector--Neal Beal was his name--wanted to go out to the ranch and see for himself whether these cows were re...

I went to the Pet store to buy some exotic breeding birds

The Assistant said "have you got a Store card?"

I said no but I think I've just excited a Pelican

What dog is breed is a ‘divorce’?

My parents said they’re getting one

My hairdresser friend has started breeding dogs.

He calls them shampoodles.

I've been breeding non-aggressive Siamese fighting fish.

I call them beta bettas.

A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize

"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"

"John."

"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Sm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s Your Name, Sailor?

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

\-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

\- “John,” the new seaman replied.

\- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call a...

What do you get when you breed a pit bull with a shih tzu?

Yiff.

A new breed of sheep have been raising the

Baaaahhhhh

How does Santa choose which female reindeer to breed with his prized stud?

By choosing the one that’s the best bang for the buck.

What Breed of Dog likes to drink beer?

A Boozehound.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The white cow is ready for breeding

The white cow is ready for breeding and little Jimmy's dad explains that the white cow needs a visit from the bull and that the brown cow is too young so they will need to keep it separated until it gets older.

Two hours later Jimmy runs to his dad and says "the bull just fucked the brown c...

Scientists say they discovered a rare breed of dinosaur known for infidelity

It was called Doyouthinkhesaurus

Most popular dog breed in New Mexico?

The Meth Lab.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an animal sanctuary that breeds small dogs?

A shit zoo

They say revolution breeds revolution.

Resistance is fertile.

I want to start a deer breeding business

but first I'm gonna need about 5000 bucks

What did the Geodude say to his fellow Geodude when they were going to breed?

Hey bro, I’m rock hard.

I used to breed rabbits.

Then I realized that they pretty much know what to do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys participate in an annual contest of monkey breeding..

The rules are simple, each participant have an intercourse with a monkey, who can make the monkey give birth to most baby monkeys, wins.

Number three is the last 3 years champion and a natural favorite. Everybody bets their money on him.

First guy gets in an spends 4 hours with the mon...

Breeding rabbits...

is a hare raising experience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The American Kennel Club has recognized new dog breeds.

* Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter. Great for Christmas.
* Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer. Smells like fresh mountain dog.
* Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador. Won't stop barking.
* Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere. A dog that's true til the end.
* Terrier...

The man who cross breeds labradors and poodles will be adequate for the job at hand.

The labradoodle dude'll do.

What do you get when you cross breed a Chihuahua with a Great Dane?

A dead chihuahua

I had a test covering several breeds of Chinese plants.

It was multiple choys.

What do you call an Italian and African mosquito cross-breed?

Is a me! Malario!

A geneticist makes a breakthrough, enabling him to create a cross-breed of any two living organisms

He sets up his own lab and hires an intern to help him out. After explaining to the intern what the technology is capable of the intern is amazed and asks: "So you can really create a cross between ANY two living beings?"


The geneticist replies, "Yes, but I advise you to exercise cautio...

What do you call a female breeding chicken?

A mother clucker.

I had to close my ghost breeding business

After being convicted of 18 counts of murder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU by using Google Translate to talk about my girlfriend’s dog breed

Apparently “Basic Bitch” doesn’t mean the same thing as “Standard Poodle.”

What breed will Donald Trumps dog be if he wins the election?

A Border Collie

I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?'

He replied: 'It's pure bread.'

Making millions of dollars is like breeding rabbits.

It's much easier when you start with two.

Why did the hipster salmon not get to breed?

He didnt use the main stream

What do you get when you try to breed a dog and a wolf?

2 counts of animal abuse and the ending of Old Yeller

At my city, we have a zoo which is only filled with dogs. Even worse, there’s only one breed of dogs inside the zoo.

It’s a shih tzu.

The most loyal, kind and noble of all dog breeds is the hot dog...

He's the only one who feeds the hand that bites him

A farmer was asked why he specifically breed satanist Yaks on his farm..

...he said he simply enjoys the yakult.

What dog breed do Jewish pet owners desire most?

A Golden Retriever

Everyone says that as a nice guy/gentleman, I'm a dying breed and that I should be on the endanger species list.

I wonder if there is a breeding program for my kind.

Note: First time posting on r/Jokes

Based on a True Story: A breeding pair of crocodiles ate two European tourists in Australia

This actually happened back when I was a kid in the 90's: A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and consumed by a pair of crocodiles in Australia. The female ate the Frenchman.

The Czech was in the male.

Earlier the Rich had cars and the poor had horses. Now the Poor have cars and the Rich breed horses

Oh how the stables have turned

I found enlightenment after eating slices of a cold garlic sausage made from a breed of South American camelid

all thanks to the deli llama

What would you get if you cross breed a Borg with a Ferengi?

A scientologist.

What do you call it when two christians have a baby together?

Cross breeding

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