UPJOKE
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What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?

Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.

A zookeeper couldn't get his snakes to breed

The vet said he had a reptile dysfunction

Pandas have finally started breeding together in captivity

According to staffers, the place just suddenly erupted into panda-moan-ium

I inherited my uncle's deer breeding business worth 50 million bucks

That's a lot of doe

What dog breed always arrives in 2nd place?

Silver retrievers.

What breed of roosters lay eggs

Himalayan.

So I guess there was this rancher who was growing a really weird breed of cattle.

They were a really vivid blue green color.  No one could believe it... They thought he was airbrushing them or painting them or using Instagram filters or photoshop.

Finally an fda inspector--Neal Beal was his name--wanted to go out to the ranch and see for himself whether these cows were re...

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What do you get when you breed an elephant and a duck?

A dead duck with gaping asshole

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A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

I went to the Pet store to buy some exotic breeding birds

The Assistant said "have you got a Store card?"

I said no but I think I've just excited a Pelican

Never been sure what breed my dog is

She’s kind of squatty with floppy ears. When we have supper she begs for our plates and bowls to lick then naps in the den.

Unless we have chili. Then she stays by the stove guarding the pot of chili.

Pretty sure she’s a chili dog.

10 Most Aggressive Dog Breeds

10. Aggression

9. Is

8. Not

7. Bred

6. It

5. Is

4. A

3. Trained

2. Behavior

1 Chihuahua

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea, but I wouldn’t try milking it.

Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed.

The first says, “I’ll grant you are the closest I have ever
seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance. No foot, no horse!”

The second horse says, “I’ll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are th...

A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize

"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"

"John."

"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Sm...

two farmers are talking

and one is lamenting to the other.

"man, I've got all these female cows and no male bulls to breed with them. It's gonna cost me a fortune to rent bulls!"

the other farmer responds, "don't sweat it joe, I've got tons of bulls so tomorrow, pack your cows up in your truck and drive them...

How to Convince an Orthodox Christian Family to get a Dog?

Tell them it's a Cross Breed.

Pure Breed?

A Polar Bear and his son were walking through the icy glaciers, when the little Polar Bear says to his father, "Dad... are we pure blooded Polar Bear?" The father bear looks at his son and says, "Why, yes son, of course we are!"

The next day the little Polar Bear is hunting for seals with his...

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The sheep Farmer

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but...

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Designer dog breeds

So they have all sorts of new designer dog breeds out there now. Things like the Labradoodle, Goldendoodle, and a Puggle. I have a dog that's a mix between a dachshund and a Shih Tzu, they call it Dachshit.

Q: What was Darwin’s favorite Breed of Dog?

A: *The Beagle*

Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?

It’s eel-eagle.

A brunette and her blonde sister live in the rural Southwest US, having inherited their family ranch.

The Great Depression hit them hard, and they only have $600 left.



Fearing that their ranch would be repossessed, the brunette goes to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock. She tells her sister "I'll come and contact you when I make the purchase", and promptly departs.

<...

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Farmer John and his bull

There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.
Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over...

The pug

A guy tells his buddy, "I got my wife a dog for her birthday."

His buddy asks, "What breed?"

"It's a pug, the guys says. "And, despite the squashed nose, the bulging eyes and the rolls of fat, the dog really seems to like her."

I've been breeding racing deer

Just trying to make a quick buck

What do you get when you breed a pit bull with a shih tzu?

Yiff.

I've been breeding non-aggressive Siamese fighting fish.

I call them beta bettas.

What breed of horse is made out of cheese?

A mascapony

Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?

It’s Eeleagle

At my city, we have a zoo which is only filled with dogs. Even worse, there’s only one breed of dogs inside the zoo.

It’s a shih tzu.

What happens when two dogs breed in a pound?

Dog pound dog pounds dog pound dog.

An old joke I can't find on Reddit. Here we go...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. Th...

How does Santa choose which female reindeer to breed with his prized stud?

By choosing the one that’s the best bang for the buck.

So a couple of farmers are standing around talking. One goes you know, "I had a bull who just wouldn't breed anything, so I took him to the vet and she gave me some pills to give to him. Well he bred all of my cows and jumped the fence and bred all of the neighbors cows!"

The other farmer looked at him and asked what kind of pills they were and the first one responds, "I don't know, but they kinda taste like mint."

It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays...

...they seem to be a dying breed

What did the Geodude say to his fellow Geodude when they were going to breed?

Hey bro, I’m rock hard.

I've discovered the best breed of dog for fasion advice

An Irish Trendsetter

A man was rravelling along a country road in his car, when a strange thing passed and overtook him.

Not wanting to be outdone, the man speeds up his car, but is unable to catch up to the thing. Just before reaching a side road, he sees the thing dissappear into some bushes at the side of the road.

The man turns off at the parallel road and stops at a farmhouse there. He gets out and rings t...

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The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?" "John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the Master Chief scowled.

"It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only...

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There's a breed of black chickens that actually hatch black eggs!

Search up "black cocks" yourself if you don't believe me.

I would rather breed mice than crows

Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.

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What do you call an animal sanctuary that breeds small dogs?

A shit zoo

Why can’t the capital of England breed dogs?

Because London breeds keep falling down!

Billy: "Your mare - what breed is it?" Jack: "No clue, but it beat the winner of this year's Kentucky Derby. " "Why wasn't it entered for the Triple Crown?" "Problem is, it gallops only at night. Snoozes in the daytime."

"Tsk tsk tsk... a nightmare."

I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?'

He replied: 'It's pure bread.'

Scientists say they discovered a rare breed of dinosaur known for infidelity

It was called Doyouthinkhesaurus

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My family has a farm and we breed and raise pheasants. An interesting fact most people don’t know about pheasants; they actually die right after having sex

At least the ones I fucked did

Breeding Seagulls and Eagles has now been outlawed in the United States.

The rationale behind this was that the new creature became incredibly sick upon birth. People have been breeding ill eagle seagulls this entire time.

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Story Time - The Dog Party

This is not all that funny and it was told to me as part of someone's leaving speech way back in the mid-80's - but it does leave a long lasting impression that you can take with you, anywhere:

In 1964, all of the dogs in the world attended a weekender party. Early in the afternoon - in the e...

I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.

My homework ate my dog.

My hairdresser friend has started breeding dogs.

He calls them shampoodles.

A geneticist makes a breakthrough, enabling him to create a cross-breed of any two living organisms

He sets up his own lab and hires an intern to help him out. After explaining to the intern what the technology is capable of the intern is amazed and asks: "So you can really create a cross between ANY two living beings?"


The geneticist replies, "Yes, but I advise you to exercise cautio...

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

What dog is breed is a ‘divorce’?

My parents said they’re getting one

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A farmer buys a cock to breed his hens...

The first day the cock fucks every hen of the farmer.
Needless to say the farmer is amazed.
The second day the cock fucks every hen plus the geese.
Needless to say the farmer is impressed and a bit worried about the cock...
Then, at the evening of the third day the cock is laying motio...

What's Devo's favourite breed of dog?

Whippet. Whippet good.

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Three guys participate in an annual contest of monkey breeding..

The rules are simple, each participant have an intercourse with a monkey, who can make the monkey give birth to most baby monkeys, wins.

Number three is the last 3 years champion and a natural favorite. Everybody bets their money on him.

First guy gets in an spends 4 hours with the mon...

My neighbor has a 15 acre farm, he breeds dogs to do work on them. He grows cantaloupe, and come harvest time the dogs sniff out the ripe ones and bring them back to the barn.

He says the breed are Melon Collies

Everyone says that as a nice guy/gentleman, I'm a dying breed and that I should be on the endanger species list.

I wonder if there is a breeding program for my kind.

Note: First time posting on r/Jokes

What are the two biggest fears of Russian military?

That the Chinese learn how to fight like the Finns, or that the Finns learn how to breed like the Chinese.

The man who cross breeds labradors and poodles will be adequate for the job at hand.

The labradoodle dude'll do.

One Jamaican strolls up to another Jamaican in the park.

'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?'

The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'

I want to start a deer breeding business

but first I'm gonna need about 5000 bucks

What do you get when you cross breed a Chihuahua with a Great Dane?

A dead chihuahua

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The white cow is ready for breeding

The white cow is ready for breeding and little Jimmy's dad explains that the white cow needs a visit from the bull and that the brown cow is too young so they will need to keep it separated until it gets older.

Two hours later Jimmy runs to his dad and says "the bull just fucked the brown c...

It’s so nice to meet so many anti-vaxers here

It feels like we’re a dying breed

Earlier the Rich had cars and the poor had horses. Now the Poor have cars and the Rich breed horses

Oh how the stables have turned

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The American Kennel Club has recognized new dog breeds.

* Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter. Great for Christmas.
* Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer. Smells like fresh mountain dog.
* Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador. Won't stop barking.
* Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere. A dog that's true til the end.
* Terrier...

A New Breed of Elephant

I took my seven year old son to the zoo today. We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.

“What did you just call it?” I asked.

“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!”...

Did you know that there's a breed of dog who loves science?

You can tell which one it is because they're always wearing a lab coat.

What Breed of Dog likes to drink beer?

A Boozehound.

A man is driving down a country road going 45mph, and all the sudden he notices a chicken running next to him.

He couldn't believe his eyes, how could a chicken run so fast?

So he speeds up to 60mph to outrun the chicken, and after a few seconds the chicken has caught up to him! He simply can't believe it, he shakes his head and looks back and suddenly the chicken is gone. But no! He looks ahead an...

How do Goatmen breed?

They Faunicate!

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Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

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Farmer tries to breed pigs

A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.

The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, ...

I had a test covering several breeds of Chinese plants.

It was multiple choys.

A journalist goes to see a farmer who managed to breed four-legged chickens.

-How did you manage to do that? He asks.
-I once found a three-legged chick, kept it and get it to have eggs and I ended up with a lot of four legged chickens.
-But why?
-Well, I like chicken legs, my wife too and my two kids also. So I thought with a four-legged chicken, we’d only ha...

What breed will Donald Trumps dog be if he wins the election?

A Border Collie

What do you get when you try to breed a dog and a wolf?

2 counts of animal abuse and the ending of Old Yeller

I found enlightenment after eating slices of a cold garlic sausage made from a breed of South American camelid

all thanks to the deli llama

Farmer Browns pigs

Farmer Brown has a bunch of pigs that are all female. He decides to breed them to increase the size of his herd. So he calls his friend farmer Jones and asks if he can bring his sows over to mate with farmer Jones' boars. Farmer Jones agrees, so next morning, farmer Brown loads all his pigs into ...

When I was younger I tried breeding rabbits...

it was a hare-raising experience.

Most popular dog breed in New Mexico?

The Meth Lab.

What do you call an Italian and African mosquito cross-breed?

Is a me! Malario!

My dog died. He exploded.

He was a mixed breed. Half golden lab, half meth lab.

The King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.

When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace.
"I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.
They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they we...

Based on a True Story: A breeding pair of crocodiles ate two European tourists in Australia

This actually happened back when I was a kid in the 90's: A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and consumed by a pair of crocodiles in Australia. The female ate the Frenchman.

The Czech was in the male.

The most loyal, kind and noble of all dog breeds is the hot dog...

He's the only one who feeds the hand that bites him

Bought a pet rock. It looked lonely so I bought another. I dunno how, but they started breeding. Months later there was gravel and stones everywhere. I couldn't take it anymore and had enough.

Threw it all in a canvas sack, weighed it down with a couple of puppies, and tossed it in the river.

The farmer and the pigs

A farmer, struggeling through deression, is sitting in a bar talking to his neighbour: "I have no Idea to survive,I own 25 sows but no boar. And I can't afford to buy one or arrange a fertilization. If I'd be able to breed piglets, i could sell them and make money.." The neigbour sais: " No Problem,...

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Two dogs are walking down the street when...

One dog looks to the other and says, "Dude my life sucks. My owner's so pissed off at me right now for taking a shit in the house this morning, my wife just left me for a poodle of all breeds, and I just feel my will to live leave my body with every waking second".

The other one replies, "Ah ...

Dog Show Hair Remover

A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the pharmacist for some hair remover. The pharmacist gave her the product requested and advised, "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes." "Errr... it's n...

[Long] A redneck was walking with its dog...

A redneck was walking with his dog, when another dog starts to pick a fight with the redneck's dog, the redneck's dog with just one bite kills the other dog.

A lot of people get scared, cause there's a lot of blood and carnage, them a guy asks the redneck "What is your dog's breed?"

To...

I had to close my ghost breeding business

After being convicted of 18 counts of murder

I want to open a Reserve to breed, arm and train West Lowland Gorillas to fight Jihadists.

I'm going to call it Boko Harambe

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just got a japanese gf

she's gotta be a rare breed because her private is uncensored

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This farmer has a roster that screws every living creature in sight...

Farmer's neighbor wants to breed his chickens, but his rooster was eaten by a fox, so he goes and asks his neighbor for help.

"Hey Joe... So, I know your roster has quite a sex drive. How about you make some money and wear him out a bit? I need about 200 of my hens bred and will pay you well ...

Farming experiment

A poultry farmer walks into a bar and orders a white wine spritzer. "Hey Bob," the bartender says. "How's your chicken cross-breeding experiment going this week?" "Pretty good," the farmer replies. "I crossed a chicken with a duck. Now I have a chicken that lays down."

Farmer and his wife

A farmer and his wife went to the annual farmers market auction, and the first auction was breeding bulls.

They went to the first bull that had a poster saying “This bull performed 50 times last year”. The wife, smirking, said to her husband “will you look at that? That’s almost once a week....

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week

and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs...smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'We walked t...

I used to breed rabbits.

Then I realized that they pretty much know what to do.

A blonde is tired of being teased, so she dies her hair brown and moves to the countryside...

A blonde is tired of being teased, so she dyes her hair brown and moves to the countryside. As she’s driving home one day she spots a farmer leaning on a fence chewing a piece of straw.

“Ha, I’m going to put one over on that dumb farmer!”, she says to herself, pulling over.

“Greetings,...

I had to stop breeding rabbits...

I found it to be a hare raising experience.

Just wanna buy horses (long)

There was a young man interested in buying a pair of horses for breeding. He came across a small ranch with the rancher standing in front of the main entrance while watching a pair or horses gallop inside the fenced property.

Man: How much for the horses?

Rancher: White or black?
...

They say revolution breeds revolution.

Resistance is fertile.

Why did the hipster salmon not get to breed?

He didnt use the main stream

A farmer was asked why he specifically breed satanist Yaks on his farm..

...he said he simply enjoys the yakult.

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An old joke my dad told me

A man and a woman, along with their six children, live together on a farm, raising chickens and other animals. Once a week, they slaughter one of the older chickens, and roast it for dinner. However, the family always fight over who gets to have a leg off the chicken, with only two of the eight fami...

What would you get if you cross breed a Borg with a Ferengi?

A scientologist.

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