I hate these double standards

If you burn a body at a crematorium you’re "doing a good job" and if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”

LG created a new proprietary Bluetooth technology and protestors are now rallying against the the IEEE 802.15.1 Bluetooth standard

Manufacturers have quickly adopted to LG's new protocol, as they are afraid of not supporting the LGBT.

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A history professor is lecturing his class on changing beauty standards. He shows his class a black-and-white picture of a woman who is 4'10" and has very small breasts.

"This woman won several beauty pageants in the 1930s," says the professor. "Do you think she'd do very well in a beauty pageant today?"

"Definitely not," says one of the students.

"What makes you say that?" implores the prof.

"Well," says the student, "she's very, very old today...

The double standards in relationships nowadays are ridiculous.

It's so bad that both the man *and* the woman are getting the shaft.

I just can't find a woman in Hawaii, my standards are just too high.

But there might still be a chance if Aloha my expectations!

Did you know that to make a crib that meets Federal standards, it takes at least 763 nails?

But it only takes one screw to fill it.

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A woman decides she no longer likes how old and tired she looks...

so she goes to see a cosmetic surgeon. She tells the doctor she’s interested in a facelift.

The cosmetic surgeon gives her the option of a standard surgical face lift, or a new state of the art procedure where the surgeon places a small discrete knob at the back of the woman’s head, and if sh...

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So sick of double standards these days.

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"

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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today…

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a man with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon and vanilla scents!

An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest.

An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest and tells him, "Father, me old dog died. Can ye say a wee mass for the old gal?"

"No. Can't do it. The Church doesn't do funeral mass for pets, but I'll tell you what, the Protestant church down the hill will most likely do it. The...

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A Mexican prostitute goes to the Doctor

The Doctor asks the ho what's wrong. She tells him that she's been feeling insecure in herself and is suddenly finding herself unable to share personal details about herself with anyone, not even family.

The Doctor says "OK, I understand. Well before we get into that, let me perform some stan...

I swear

I went to US a few years ago and asked for directions to nearest gas station.

A dude comes up and says" Go straight for 3.5 football field and you will see there is a 4.2 washing machine wide road and 6.8 fridge wide road. Go in the fridge road and you will see the gas station after your c...

Physics teacher: James, what do you call the standard measurement of power?

James: What?

Teacher: Oh, I guess you were paying attention.

My dentist has the inside of his whole building covered in posters of teeth, gums, toothbrushes etc.

God was i relieved to see that its not industry standard when I took my wife to the gynaecologist...

If you could bring a suitcase to heaven

An old rich man is nearing the end of his life. He has started many charity organizations and has always been generous to the poor, but he never really felt like he found any purpose to his life, so he decides to attend a Christian congregation one Sunday. The minister gave a lesson entitled, 'If yo...

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Trump and Obama are the new standard for penis measurement

One of them is a dick. The other one is a ruler.

An attractive co-worker that I’ve been working with for 3 years confessed to me today, but I rejected her.

One way to spot a woman with low standards is when they start liking me.

American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend)

The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.

AV famously stated, "Um.. err.. I ca.."

You have to love female accountants...

They consider double entry the standard.

A man is concerned that the pain in his side may be serious, so he goes to his doctor's.

After a brief examination, the doctor asks the man to lie on the examination table. The man does so as the doctor leaves the room.

While the man is lying there, a dog and cat enter the room. The cat jumps into the man's chest and stares at him while the dog licks each of his hands. Shortly...

I try to keep up with large vehicle emission standards

But idling busses are exhausting.

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.

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A guy walks into a brothel, there's nobody at the reception, but there's a sign

The sign is between two doors. It says:

If you have a lot of money to spend, go left.

If you don't have any money, go right.

Guy is kind of poor, so he chooses the door on the right. Another long hall, and at the end there are again 2 doors with a sign between them:

If yo...

If the nearest gas station is 15 kilometers away and the standard walking speed is 5.7 mph,

then why did it take my dad 30 years to buy some milk?

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

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Three tampons are walking down the street. One super large, one standard and one ultra slim. Which one stops to say hello first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

I'm getting so sick of these double standards...

Burn a body at a mortuary and 'you're doing your job', do it at home and you're "Destroying evidence"





P.s wasn't sure to post this to /r/jokes or /r/funny

I don't think women should have kids after 40.

40 is way too many by any standard.

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This should be a standard response to chemistry jokes

Flourine Uranium Carbon Potassium

Yttrium Oxygen Uranium

Arsenic Sulphur Tungsten Iodine Phosphorus Einsteinium

:)

What do you call a Russian that can't drive a standard?

Stallin'

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

Ocean full of beer

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much though...

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A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and
figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you d...

Went to a restaurant last night

I was a little worried because of it being so soon after the reopening. Sure all the sat tables were pretty well spaced out, but I was still nervous.

The waitress came over and gave us the standard greeting and asked us we wanted anything to drink, but I was still thinking about my health...

University students regularly complain about the increasing cost of their tuition and standard of living but never mention the costs that are actually decreasing

Like the cost of employing University graduates

A young man went in to a restaurant and ordered a standard eggs, bacon, toast and coffee breakfast. The server told him they were out of bread, would he like a biscuit...

So he got the biscuit instead. After eating, he headed home, but started to feel bad. His stomach was cramping and he was gassy. Why?


He was Lack Toast Intolerant!


You've been Dad joked on Father's day! Happy father's day fellow dad's!

Why is a Detroit Lions fan the easiest to date?

Her standards are so low, because every year she gets disappointed by 55 men.

Sabaton is going sightseeing.

After their most recent gig in America, Sabaton decides to go to New York for vacation and to go sightseeing.

After their expensive flight they discovered that they mostly went through all their money.

Deciding to see as much as they can with spending as little cash as possible they we...

COVID Humor

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato...

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A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

What do you call a gangster who believes in double standards?

A hypocrip.

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road....

Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"

But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

Why do teachers always laugh at the new standards for teaching math?

Because the real joke is always in the common core.

Did you hear about the perverted statistician?

Standard deviation wasn't enough for him.

Worker- Can I get a raise? Boss- Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment.

Worker- I don't get it !

Boss- That's right.

People on Reddit seem to have way too low standards

Everyone keeps calling me OP

If the US switched from the standard measurement system to metric overnight,

there would be mass confusion.

Wanted to talk to my boss about how tired I am with writing these Standard Operating Procedures...

But he does not want to hear my SOP story.

Fun fact: Popeye the Sailor Man isn't actually all that strong by Danish or Norwegian standards...

... but he's strong to the Finnish!

Quarantine is feeling more and more like highschool in the 00's

We’re all day dreaming about how to get out of the house, no one has any standards around booz consumption, and emo culture is at an all time high.

What is the First Order's standard unit of measurement for length?

A Kylometer

Why do They bury Lawyers 12' down instead of the standard 6'?

Because deep down, their really nice people.

What do you call a doctor that helps you conform to standards?

A protocologist

An inspector visits a school in England one day....

One day, an inspector visited a school and asked the teachers how things were going.

He entered a class where an English lesson was in session.

"Very well, looks good", the inspector said. "Teaching's of a high standard, classroom looks good, things seem to be going well."

He th...

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

Safety critical software

I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety critical s...

A man works for a wildlife reserve.

His boss tells him “you need to make sure there aren’t any poachers in the area. The absolute least bears there should be at the end of the month is 76 bears.” The man says “I won’t let you down, boss.”

One month passes by. A poacher kills a bear one time and he gets arrested. The employee ge...

I walked into a Subway copycat joint earlier to see how their sandwiches compare. They claimed to be Sub standard...

but i thought they were below par.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."

Sylveste...

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Women are the victim of so many double standards...

If a man fucks a lot of women, he's celebrated and called a stud and player. But if a woman fucks a lot of men, she's called your mom.

Does anyone know of a good character encoding standard that I can give to someone I care about?

ASCII for a friend.

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I hate double standards...

Hell I hate standards, I'd have sex with alot more women if they didn't have them. Jerks.

Double standards are the worst.

I mean, one flag is enough.

What do you call an oil that doesn't live up to its standards?

A "Disapp-ointment."

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

My standards for women are way too high

You could almost say they're... Double standards

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The boy with the wooden eye.

There was a poor kid in Highschool who only had one eye. He couldn't afford a glass eye so he had one made out of wood. The wooden eye looked terrible and he was very self-conscious about it.

Despite his appearance he always tried to score a date with the hottest girls in school. One day in ...

People tend to give teddy bears as gifts for Valentine's Day.

The standard teddy or panda bears seem popular this year. I've got my girlfriend a koala bear because she loves them.

Plus, I don't know a better way to tell her that I've got chlymidia.

Why do Taiwanese students always do so well on their standardized tests?

They've got a Taipei personality

I'm putting my standards up for adoption

Because I can't raise them anymore

The French Test Drive

An American couple took their honeymoon in France, and they loved it so much they decided they just had to live there. But the costly move left them in financial hardship. Eventually, they did both find jobs, but on opposite ends of the city, so they decided to buy a car.

"This one," said the...

Hairstyle Competition

Hello, my name is John and I would like to tell you about the time I entered a hairstyle competition. You see, I have always loved trying out different hairstyles and colors. It is something I have put great effort into!

It was about February of last year that the idea of entering a hairstyle...

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Double standards are amazing.

If I take my top off I'm called a "poser".

But if a women does it, suddenly I'm not allowed to masturbate?

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I hate double-standards; when my girlfriend puts on a pair of puppy-dog eyes, it's "cute", but when I do it...

Everyone is just "Oh god Mercury what the fuck did you do that puppy?!"

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Double standards

When a Woman gets a vibrator, its seen as a bit of naughty fun.

But when a guy orders a Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with a non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built-in orgasmic scream surround sound system, he is cal...

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I've just got back from the hospital where the nurse asked me " Could you masturbate in the cup?"

I thought, I'm good, but I'm not quite competition standard.

I'm a mean guy

With the standard deviation in character.

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There were once three friends who were absolutely inseparable in high school.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways.
One of the friends went on to become a very successful defense attorney. Top of his class at Harvard Law, opened his own firm, made e...

Even pigs have standards

A Rabbi, a Hindu holy man, and a Philadelphia Eagles fan are in a car together. the car breaks down near a house with a barn. The owner says, "Well, I only have room for two of ya, so one's gonna have to sleep in the barn." The Hindu holy man volunteers. Five minutes later, he explains, "I cannot sl...

Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty?

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Double standards are not fair!

When miley cirus gets naked and licks hammers its beautiful and artistic, but when I do it its weird, creepy and I get a life time ban from Ikea.

Do you know why I want a short girlfriend?

She's low maintenance and doesn't have high standards

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I'm gonna make like a standards censor

and get the fuck outta here.

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