I hate these double standards

if you burn a body at a crematorium you’re "doing a good job" if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”

I try to keep up with large vehicle emission standards

But idling busses are exhausting.

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Trump and Obama are the new standard for penis measurement

One of them is a dick. The other one is a ruler.

If the nearest gas station is 15 kilometers away and the standard walking speed is 5.7 mph,

then why did it take my dad 30 years to buy some milk?

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So sick of double standards these days.

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"

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Three tampons are walking down the street. One super large, one standard and one ultra slim. Which one stops to say hello first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

I'm getting so sick of these double standards...

Burn a body at a mortuary and 'you're doing your job', do it at home and you're "Destroying evidence"





P.s wasn't sure to post this to /r/jokes or /r/funny

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The boy with the wooden eye.

There was a poor kid in Highschool who only had one eye. He couldn't afford a glass eye so he had one made out of wood. The wooden eye looked terrible and he was very self-conscious about it.

Despite his appearance he always tried to score a date with the hottest girls in school. One day in ...

A young man went in to a restaurant and ordered a standard eggs, bacon, toast and coffee breakfast. The server told him they were out of bread, would he like a biscuit...

So he got the biscuit instead. After eating, he headed home, but started to feel bad. His stomach was cramping and he was gassy. Why?


He was Lack Toast Intolerant!


You've been Dad joked on Father's day! Happy father's day fellow dad's!

University students regularly complain about the increasing cost of their tuition and standard of living but never mention the costs that are actually decreasing

Like the cost of employing University graduates

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I hate double standards.

A guy with 6 pack abs was shirtless yesterday and nobody gave a shit. But today, I was hot and decided to take my shirt off and people looked disgusted and I got the police called on me. All I did was let my tits hang out. Why is this a problem?

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This should be a standard response to chemistry jokes

Flourine Uranium Carbon Potassium

Yttrium Oxygen Uranium

Arsenic Sulphur Tungsten Iodine Phosphorus Einsteinium

:)

What do you call a Russian that can't drive a standard?

Stallin'

Do you know why I want a short girlfriend?

She's low maintenance and doesn't have high standards

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A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida...

And goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so ...

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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax Spray n’ Wipe, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

I'm a mean guy

With the standard deviation in character.

What do you call a gangster who believes in double standards?

A hypocrip.

Why do teachers always laugh at the new standards for teaching math?

Because the real joke is always in the common core.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar.

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."

Sylveste...

Wanted to talk to my boss about how tired I am with writing these Standard Operating Procedures...

But he does not want to hear my SOP story.

At the statisticians’ conference

”Look at that pervert. He doesn’t settle for just standard deviation.”

People on Reddit seem to have way too low standards

Everyone keeps calling me OP

If the US switched from the standard measurement system to metric overnight,

there would be mass confusion.

Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"

But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

An Interesting Proposal

So I drive around the city a lot, see a lot of stuff, ya know, trees and whatnot. Anyways, I just passed a homeless lady who was holding a sign that said " widowed, single, need help, kisses included."

What an interesting sign, so unique, so confident, so single...

So she came up to my...

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There were once three friends who were absolutely inseparable in high school.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways.
One of the friends went on to become a very successful defense attorney. Top of his class at Harvard Law, opened his own firm, made e...

Healthcare joke

TRUE STORY.
I work in the Infection control department of a hospital when I received a phone call from the OR:
Staff member: We have a patient coming in who tested positive for Eptein Bar. Do they need any isolation precautions because we have a pregnant staff member.
Me: Well, how is Epste...

Why is it when people demand proof of God’s existence. You have to have faith, is an acceptable religious defense?

But when people demand proof that God told me to kill those kids. You have to have faith, isn’t an acceptable legal defense?

I’m sick of double standards.

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I've just got back from the hospital where the nurse asked me " Could you masturbate in the cup?"

I thought, I'm good, but I'm not quite competition standard.

What do you call a doctor that helps you conform to standards?

A protocologist

Fun fact: Popeye the Sailor Man isn't actually all that strong by Danish or Norwegian standards...

... but he's strong to the Finnish!

A standard elevator can hold 1700 lbs

or 5 Tinder matches...

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

What is the First Order's standard unit of measurement for length?

A Kylometer

Why do They bury Lawyers 12' down instead of the standard 6'?

Because deep down, their really nice people.

In 2020 Ford is re-releasing the Bronco

There will be a special edition OJ trim level:

Standard White paint with dark tinted windows, governed to 30 mph, extended range gas tank, and has an undersized glove box.

I walked into a Subway copycat joint earlier to see how their sandwiches compare. They claimed to be Sub standard...

but i thought they were below par.

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My talk with the Principal

I was a cocky little turd when I was younger. I remember getting called into the principal's office once when I was 9 years old.

"You're behavior is getting worse and worse each day. Standards really are slipping."

"Ahem, I'll do the talking" he said.

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A man is out Golfing.....

He is having a pretty standard game half way through his 18. When he arrives to his next hole he sees a little frog had followed him. He grabs his club and readys his swing when he hears "Ribbit, 3 Wood". He looks down at the frog surprisingly, "What was that? Did you say something?" So the man pul...

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

I dont date dwarfs...

My standards are too high for them.

What do you call a repost on r/jokes?

Sub-standard.

My German friend and I like to rate women at Walmart on their looks...

I hate to say the guy has low standards, but I saw a lot of twos and threes. He just kept yelling NINE, NINE, NINE, NINE.

I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 28.

28 kids are way too many by any standard.

Does anyone know of a good character encoding standard that I can give to someone I care about?

ASCII for a friend.

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Women are the victim of so many double standards...

If a man fucks a lot of women, he's celebrated and called a stud and player. But if a woman fucks a lot of men, she's called your mom.

So my ex wife was sick in the hospital and I decide to visit her.

She was complaining that her body temperature has dropped below 30. So I told her not to worry since it's a standard body temperature for snakes.

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I hate double standards...

Hell I hate standards, I'd have sex with alot more women if they didn't have them. Jerks.

What do you call an oil that doesn't live up to its standards?

A "Disapp-ointment."

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

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A team of engineers are unveiling their new invention to a navy admiral

“So from what I can see, it appears to just be a normal submarine” the Admiral says.

“Quite far from it...” the lead engineer responds, “... while it may appear to be your standard submarine. It has quite the trick up it’s selves”

“Well what is it”, the Admiral says excitedly.

...

Forever mortal frenemies

Britain and France. Forever mortal frenemies. The rivalry goes back over 1000 years. One of the biggest sticking point has always been the channel. Is it the British channel or the French? In order to show how one country was superior in the rivalry every 100 years the 2 countries would hold a cross...

A lady gives herself a treat for her 7pth birthday

A lady decided to give herself a treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $500.
She exploded, demanding to know why the charge was so high.
The clerk told her $500 was the standard rate. S...

All the women I have slept with have one thing in common

They have incredibly low standards.

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The year is 1944. The Americans are advancing fast. Adolf Hitler is furious and starts to listen to defensive tactics proposed by his commanders...

The first commander suggests they pull out the tanks from the Eastern front and deploy them in the Western front, so that the defenses there would be hard to go past.

"Are you crazy? That's a horrible idea!" Hitler exclaimed.

The second commander steps in and suggests a horrible idea f...

Double standards are the worst.

I mean, one flag is enough.

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So there was a women who put out an ad for a husband...

...the ad specified that he must be handsome, not beat her, not walk all over her, and have a big penis. The next day she heard her doorbell ring, there was a man with no legs and no arms. The women asked, "can i help you?" the man says, " im here from the ad."
"I have standards you know." the w...

An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.

First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting.

Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere.

Obviously, he chooses ...

My standards for women are way too high

You could almost say they're... Double standards

Response to a sarcastic teen (my son)

Being a Dad, I'm used to dropping the standard DAD JOKES from time to time.

My son is 14, and has started responding in a drawl "hilarious" (sarcastic).



I now reply "MOUNTAINS !!" or "MT EVEREST !!"

He said "whaaaa ?"

I replied "Hill areas...! I thou...

Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

Why do Taiwanese students always do so well on their standardized tests?

They've got a Taipei personality

Cowboy insurance

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.


"Ever have an accident?"


"Nope, nary a one."


"None? You've never had any accidents."


"Nope. Ain't had one. Never." ...

I'm putting my standards up for adoption

Because I can't raise them anymore

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An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman...

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are trekking through the jungle together. They’re hacking down trees, killing leopards, and generally doing manly things.

All of a sudden, they are confronted by a group of natives, who grab the trio and drag them to their little village and tie them to s...

A little boy’s grandpa had surgery...

And it went well.

The doctor told everyone in the waiting room that it was a successful operation. 30 minutes later the grandpa is up and at em meeting with his family.

While they’re there the doc was telling the standard recovery for the procedure.

Doc: “First of all the anesth...

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Double standards are amazing.

If I take my top off I'm called a "poser".

But if a women does it, suddenly I'm not allowed to masturbate?

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I hate double-standards; when my girlfriend puts on a pair of puppy-dog eyes, it's "cute", but when I do it...

Everyone is just "Oh god Mercury what the fuck did you do that puppy?!"

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Ole and Lena want to join the local church

So they go meet the pastor. The pastor says “This church very high standards for our members. In order for me to accept you as new members, you will have to prove you are worthy by abstaining from sex for 30 days”.

Ole and Lena look at each other and said “Ya, sure, vee vill give it a try”...

Do you reckon the people who wrote the regulations on making toilets ordinary...

...wanted to call them "bog standards"?

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A whale walks into a bar...

The bartender immediately stops the whale as he enters. Holding both hands up, the bartender begins shouting,

"Woah, woah there, whale! What are you doing here?! This is a bar! This is no place for whales!"

The bartender notices this upright whale is wearing a top hat and carrying a S...

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Little Johnny overheard a couple of girls in school

The kids were whispering "Purple flowers, purple flowers," and giggling. Curious what this meant, Johnny asked his friend.

"Jimmy, what does purple flowers mean?" Johnny asked.

Little Jimmy looked at Johnny in horror and said "I'm not gonna be friends with someone who says stuff like t...

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Double standards

When a Woman gets a vibrator, its seen as a bit of naughty fun.

But when a guy orders a Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with a non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built-in orgasmic scream surround sound system, he is cal...

A school robotics team made an ultimate weapon, and needed ammo that makes everything fall apart.

That’s why they used common core standards.

Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty?

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

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A guy who has spent his whole life in the outback of Australia decides he wants a change in his life, so he moves to the city.

He arrives in Sydney, and the first thing he does is looks for a job. He goes to the biggest department store downtown and applies for a job. The HR rep asks him if he has any experience in sales. So the guy says 'yea I was considered one of the best salesmen out Bush'. The rep isn't amused. 'This ...

Even pigs have standards

A Rabbi, a Hindu holy man, and a Philadelphia Eagles fan are in a car together. the car breaks down near a house with a barn. The owner says, "Well, I only have room for two of ya, so one's gonna have to sleep in the barn." The Hindu holy man volunteers. Five minutes later, he explains, "I cannot sl...

Double standards are not fair!

When miley cirus gets naked and licks hammers its beautiful and artistic, but when I do it its weird, creepy and I get a life time ban from Ikea.

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An engineer threw a party for all of his friends.

During the party, someone realized that the big lottery drawing was that night. Since they were low on beer, they decided to all come up with their lottery numbers and buy their tickets during the beer run.

The programmer created an interactive program, complete with simulated announcer readi...

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I'm gonna make like a standards censor

and get the fuck outta here.

Ocean full of beer

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much though...

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