Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a restaurant, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"

"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"

That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can ...

I take strong offense with anyone saying the Republican Party has no standards now.

In fact, they have double standards.

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

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I was offered sex with a 23 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of all purpose cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as CleanBrite, the super strong all purpose cleaner. Now available with scented lemongrass.

I hold my boyfriend and my dentist to the same standard...

They're not allowed to ask me open ended questions when they're in my mouth.

I received a compliment today as I boarded the train.

The conductor said “first class rear, standard front”.

An average Wookiee is 2.23-2.54 meters in height, weighs 100kg (female) or 150kg (male) and has a lifespan of 400 standard years

Those are Wookiee numbers

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I'm sick of all these double standards... (NSFW)

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody batts an eye... but when I do it, people are like "what the hell are you doing to your dog?"

I hate these double standards

if you burn a body at a crematorium you’re "doing a good job" if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”

Richard’s father is a widower and a multi-millionaire.

He also has a terminal illness and is likely to pass away soon. Richard, a single man, decides he needs a woman with whom to enjoy his soon-to-be-received fortune and where better to find one than in a single’s bar.

With luck, on his first visit, Richard meets Amy, a woman whose beauty liter...

ocean of beer

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much though...

I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40

40 kids is way too much by any standard!

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

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A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

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Do you own a lawnmower?

Two redneck friends, Jimbo and Billy Bob, wanted to go back to school, so they enrolled at the local community college and met with the dean of admissions. Jimbo is called in first.

Dean: "Well, I got the standard general education courses for you this coming semester, such as science and Eng...

TIL a white tail deer can jump higher than a standard house.

A white tail deer with their powerful hind legs can jump 8 - 12 feet high whereas a standard house can't jump.

An expert in Greek mythology walks into a bar...

Then he suddenly sees stars spinning around to form shapes, and he feels as if he’s been struck by Zeus’s lightning. Then, while collapsed on the ground, he sees Zeus himself staring down at him. A day later, he wakes up in a hospital bed to see a doctor looking at him.

“Why did that happen...

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A history professor is lecturing his class on changing beauty standards. He shows his class a black-and-white picture of a woman who is 4'10" and has very small breasts.

"This woman won several beauty pageants in the 1930s," says the professor. "Do you think she'd do very well in a beauty pageant today?"

"Definitely not," says one of the students.

"What makes you say that?" implores the prof.

"Well," says the student, "she's very, very old today...

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A middle-aged guy decides it’s time to get fit so he heads down to his local gym.

When he gets there he sees a poster promising “6 month super motivational packages, available in Silver, Gold and Platinum”.

Intrigued the guy asks for more information.
The guy from the gym says “OK” and calls for someone to come out from the back office. A beautiful fit woman comes out a...

The double standards in relationships nowadays are ridiculous.

It's so bad that both the man *and* the woman are getting the shaft.

I have only one rule when it comes to attire

I dress to meet the bare minimum standards that any given occasion dictates.

I call it...

Occam's Blazer.

I just can't find a woman in Hawaii, my standards are just too high.

But there might still be a chance if Aloha my expectations!

In the time of the Holy Roman Empire

There was a chronic shortage of hay with which to feed the Army's horses. So much so that the Emperor issued a mandate that restricted its use, even going as far as cutting in half the width of all brooms.

This became standard use and over time no one questioned it. With the exception of lowl...

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet...

Did you know that to make a crib that meets Federal standards, it takes at least 763 nails?

But it only takes one screw to fill it.

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Trump and Obama are the new standard for penis measurement

One of them is a dick. The other one is a ruler.

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A tale of two friends !!

One was a very bright student while the other one was quite dumb. The brighter one always helped the other passing exams be it a class test or end term exams. The teachers were quite furious with them and at last, called upon a meeting to discuss with the principal what could be done. All came to th...

Physics teacher: James, what do you call the standard measurement of power?

James: What?

Teacher: Oh, I guess you were paying attention.

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Three tampons are walking down the street. One super large, one standard and one ultra slim. Which one stops to say hello first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

At a border checkpoint...

A man gets to a border checkpoint, and is stopped. The officer asks him some standard questions, looks at his ID, and then requests to take a quick look in his car.

The officer is extremely confused when he finds sawdust in the trunk, and thinks he must be hiding something in the sawdust. He...

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This should be a standard response to chemistry jokes

Flourine Uranium Carbon Potassium

Yttrium Oxygen Uranium

Arsenic Sulphur Tungsten Iodine Phosphorus Einsteinium

:)

I'm getting so sick of these double standards...

Burn a body at a mortuary and 'you're doing your job', do it at home and you're "Destroying evidence"





P.s wasn't sure to post this to /r/jokes or /r/funny

If the nearest gas station is 15 kilometers away and the standard walking speed is 5.7 mph,

then why did it take my dad 30 years to buy some milk?

I try to keep up with large vehicle emission standards

But idling busses are exhausting.

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

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Daddy do you want a STD? NSFW (Kinda)

My son walked up to me yesterday and asked me if I wanted a STD. I asked him where he heard that phrase and he said that he saw it on YouTube, I said sure I would like a STD just to see what in the fuck he was talking about then he casually ran to the pantry, opened the doors and grabbed the donuts ...

Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"

But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

University students regularly complain about the increasing cost of their tuition and standard of living but never mention the costs that are actually decreasing

Like the cost of employing University graduates

What do you call a gangster who believes in double standards?

A hypocrip.

A young man went in to a restaurant and ordered a standard eggs, bacon, toast and coffee breakfast. The server told him they were out of bread, would he like a biscuit...

So he got the biscuit instead. After eating, he headed home, but started to feel bad. His stomach was cramping and he was gassy. Why?


He was Lack Toast Intolerant!


You've been Dad joked on Father's day! Happy father's day fellow dad's!

Why do teachers always laugh at the new standards for teaching math?

Because the real joke is always in the common core.

A woman's brain cost less

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. 'Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.

This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.'

'...

What do you call a Russian that can't drive a standard?

Stallin'

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I hate double standards.

A guy with 6 pack abs was shirtless yesterday and nobody gave a shit. But today, I was hot and decided to take my shirt off and people looked disgusted and I got the police called on me. All I did was let my tits hang out. Why is this a problem?

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An old man is hosting his retirement dinner with his family, friends and coworkers

He’d lived a long life- when he was only 25 he went on a mission trip to South America where he met two young boys who he later adopted. Seeing the standard of living in South America prompted him to study medicine- a field he completely excelled in and successfully developed vaccines for over ten d...

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What do retail workers and people who search by new have in common?

Everyone expects high standards from them, have to deal with everyone’s shit, get blamed when things don’t go the way someone wants, and very understaffed

People on Reddit seem to have way too low standards

Everyone keeps calling me OP

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What happens when you put Donald Trump and a female sex crazed donkey in the same room?

Nothing. Even donkeys have standards.

If the US switched from the standard measurement system to metric overnight,

there would be mass confusion.

Old tribal wisdom says that wh...

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this hor...

Fun fact: Popeye the Sailor Man isn't actually all that strong by Danish or Norwegian standards...

... but he's strong to the Finnish!

An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest.

An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest and tells him, "Father, me old dog died. Can ye say a wee mass for the old gal?"

"No. Can't do it. The Church doesn't do funeral mass for pets, but I'll tell you what, the Protestant church down the hill will most likely do it. The...

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A pirate and his parrot were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a Genie came forth.


This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the stand...

Why do They bury Lawyers 12' down instead of the standard 6'?

Because deep down, their really nice people.

What is the First Order's standard unit of measurement for length?

A Kylometer

Wanted to talk to my boss about how tired I am with writing these Standard Operating Procedures...

But he does not want to hear my SOP story.

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

What do you call a doctor that helps you conform to standards?

A protocologist

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A Mexican prostitute goes to the Doctor

The Doctor asks the ho what's wrong. She tells him that she's been feeling insecure in herself and is suddenly finding herself unable to share personal details about herself with anyone, not even family.

The Doctor says "OK, I understand. Well before we get into that, let me perform some stan...

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A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and
figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you d...

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Women are the victim of so many double standards...

If a man fucks a lot of women, he's celebrated and called a stud and player. But if a woman fucks a lot of men, she's called your mom.

I swear

I went to US a few years ago and asked for directions to nearest gas station.

A dude comes up and says" Go straight for 3.5 football field and you will see there is a 4.2 washing machine wide road and 6.8 fridge wide road. Go in the fridge road and you will see the gas station after your c...

I walked into a Subway copycat joint earlier to see how their sandwiches compare. They claimed to be Sub standard...

but i thought they were below par.

Double standards are the worst.

I mean, one flag is enough.

My standards for women are way too high

You could almost say they're... Double standards

An attractive co-worker that I’ve been working with for 3 years confessed to me today, but I rejected her.

One way to spot a woman with low standards is when they start liking me.

Does anyone know of a good character encoding standard that I can give to someone I care about?

ASCII for a friend.

Why do Taiwanese students always do so well on their standardized tests?

They've got a Taipei personality

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I hate double standards...

Hell I hate standards, I'd have sex with alot more women if they didn't have them. Jerks.

A construction worker goes to a fancy restaurant to eat and they have a dress code.

The man goes into the fancy restaurant and have a discussion with the host:

**Host** Sir, you cannot come in here with out a belt. We have standards.

The man goes out to his car and puts on a belt fashioned out of some rope. He goes back in.

**Host** Alright.... I guess you ha...

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

What do you call an oil that doesn't live up to its standards?

A "Disapp-ointment."

American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend)

The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.

AV famously stated, "Um.. err.. I ca.."

I'm putting my standards up for adoption

Because I can't raise them anymore

If you could bring a suitcase to heaven

An old rich man is nearing the end of his life. He has started many charity organizations and has always been generous to the poor, but he never really felt like he found any purpose to his life, so he decides to attend a Christian congregation one Sunday. The minister gave a lesson entitled, 'If yo...

You have to love female accountants...

They consider double entry the standard.

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

Why is a Detroit Lions fan the easiest to date?

Her standards are so low, because every year she gets disappointed by 55 men.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

COVID Humor

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato...

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Double standards are amazing.

If I take my top off I'm called a "poser".

But if a women does it, suddenly I'm not allowed to masturbate?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate double-standards; when my girlfriend puts on a pair of puppy-dog eyes, it's "cute", but when I do it...

Everyone is just "Oh god Mercury what the fuck did you do that puppy?!"

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Double standards

When a Woman gets a vibrator, its seen as a bit of naughty fun.

But when a guy orders a Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with a non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built-in orgasmic scream surround sound system, he is cal...

A man is concerned that the pain in his side may be serious, so he goes to his doctor's.

After a brief examination, the doctor asks the man to lie on the examination table. The man does so as the doctor leaves the room.

While the man is lying there, a dog and cat enter the room. The cat jumps into the man's chest and stares at him while the dog licks each of his hands. Shortly...

Even pigs have standards

A Rabbi, a Hindu holy man, and a Philadelphia Eagles fan are in a car together. the car breaks down near a house with a barn. The owner says, "Well, I only have room for two of ya, so one's gonna have to sleep in the barn." The Hindu holy man volunteers. Five minutes later, he explains, "I cannot sl...

Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty?

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

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A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

Double standards are not fair!

When miley cirus gets naked and licks hammers its beautiful and artistic, but when I do it its weird, creepy and I get a life time ban from Ikea.

Sabaton is going sightseeing.

After their most recent gig in America, Sabaton decides to go to New York for vacation and to go sightseeing.

After their expensive flight they discovered that they mostly went through all their money.

Deciding to see as much as they can with spending as little cash as possible they we...

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I'm gonna make like a standards censor

and get the fuck outta here.

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road....

Went to a restaurant last night

I was a little worried because of it being so soon after the reopening. Sure all the sat tables were pretty well spaced out, but I was still nervous.

The waitress came over and gave us the standard greeting and asked us we wanted anything to drink, but I was still thinking about my health...

What's the difference between the standard alphabet and Christmas alphabet?

There's Noel.

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