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Standard Jokes

What is the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your computer and accesses all your data. The other is an industry standard.

Three men arrive simultaneously at the Pearly Gates.

They are greeted by St. Peter, who tells them, "Welcome! Before you can enter heaven, you must be circumcised, and I can see that none of you are. The standard procedure these days is that we remove your foreskin using whatever method your father used to make a living."
To the first guy, he says...

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A man, obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is sentenced, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he is led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happen...

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My girlfriend has unreasonable standards

Last night, she told me to fuck her like No Child Left Behind fucked America's education system.

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange.

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange. He says, ‟I'll have a beer, please.”

The bartender says, ‟Excuse me, I could not help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.”

The guy goes, ‟Yeah, had that for a while now.”

So the bartender says, ‟How d...

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."

Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

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Espresso is like standards.

When there's double shit's about to go down.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.

As Steven Weinberg was finishing the presentation of his contributions to the Standard Model, a colleague asks:

"This work is incredible. Do you understand the gravity of what you've done?"

Weinberg: "No, weren't you listening? That's the only force we don't understand."

(I'm sorry for this terrible and obscure joke, feel free to downvote.)

When people use metal detectors, they’re treasure hunters…

but when _I_ do it, I’m “a thief” and I “need to leave the war memorial.”

Double standards, man. I swear

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

My daughter's teacher called me

She said,
"We are considering to move your daughter to a special class, as her homeworks could not meet the standard for more than a month already."

I was so angry.

"No way, I did the homework for her."

I'm sick of these double standards

When Venus poses naked on a seashell she is "beautiful" and "a goddess", but when I do it I'm "drunk" and "banned from the Sea Life Centre".

Why is one standard deviation wealthier than the other?

because it lives well below its mean.

I think Model Trains cast an unrealistic beauty standard on actual trains...

But model trains never eat and real trains are always CHEW CHEW CHEW-ing

How many women of god can you fit in a standard size brothel?

Nun!

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Three psychiatrists are having a drink after work, talking about their newest patients.

The first one says, “My most recent patient works as a telemarketer. She has a lot of hang ups.”

The second one added, “I have a new patient who works at the sewage treatment plant. He’s into a lot of crazy shit.”

The third one is silent, but after some prodding says “We’ll, I can’t ...

Bronko Nagurski story

After retiring from the NFL, Bronko lived out the rest of his 82-year life on the shores of Rainy Lake on the Canadian border. He preferred not to "toot his own horn" and refused most interviews. Other than farming, Bronko ran a service station in International Falls with his sons. He became famous ...

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So sick of double standards these days.

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"

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I really hate double standards

When a girl buys a dildo, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun. But when a guy orders a 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, he's called a pervert?

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The chicken farmer

A chicken farmer is visited by an official looking person one day. The farmer has no clue who the visitor is. The visitor asks "What do you feed your chicken?"

The honest and innocent farmer says "they just pick worms in the fields and eat whatever seeds and grains and crap they can get hold ...

What do you call a man doing standard deviation?

A sigma male.

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I hate double standards. When babies

suck a woman's boobs in public it’s fine, but when I do it, I get kicked out of Cracker Barrel.

I take strong offense with anyone saying the Republican Party has no standards now.

In fact, they have double standards.

At the dentist.

Was at the dentist this morning and there was a BMW brochure in the waiting room for some reason so I had a leaf through it and I was surprised to learn that indicators come as standard on them.

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I can't believe how low the standards have gotten with porn majors at University

They're passing everyone with several D's these days.

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I was offered sex with a 23 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of all purpose cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as CleanBrite, the super strong all purpose cleaner. Now available with scented lemongrass.

Mother Superior is travelling

Mother Superior was traveling by bus with a young novice nun.

They had to change buses in anothyer city.

They had packed a lunch and found a bench in the bus station to spread their lunch on a cloth between them.

As they ate the young novice noticed a large scale in a corner t...

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students

A new lady teacher, came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with -name, and hobby. She said " Let's start with the boys first. Boys start giving their introduction.

First boy : " My name is john, and ...

I hold my boyfriend and my dentist to the same standard...

They're not allowed to ask me open ended questions when they're in my mouth.

An average Wookiee is 2.23-2.54 meters in height, weighs 100kg (female) or 150kg (male) and has a lifespan of 400 standard years

Those are Wookiee numbers

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They simply change the standard to darkness

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Trump and Obama are the new standard for penis measurement

One of them is a dick. The other one is a ruler.

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Three tampons are walking down the street. One super large, one standard and one ultra slim. Which one stops to say hello first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

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This should be a standard response to chemistry jokes

Flourine Uranium Carbon Potassium

Yttrium Oxygen Uranium

Arsenic Sulphur Tungsten Iodine Phosphorus Einsteinium

:)

TIL a white tail deer can jump higher than a standard house.

A white tail deer with their powerful hind legs can jump 8 - 12 feet high whereas a standard house can't jump.

A homeless man walks into a job interview..

A homeless man walks into an interview for a truck driver position, the interview goes well.
The inteviewer said: well, I you meet our standards, just the last thing; what is your email address?
By which the homeless man replied: Sir, I don't own a computer, so I don't have an email address....

Jim and Ted were let go after 15 years working at the bra factory so they headed down to the local Employment office…

There they each filled out some forms. They both had worked the same quality assurance positions on the line down at the “Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder Inc.”. Afterwards they each met with a jobs counselor to try and find new employment they could embark on. As the final step they met individua...

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Instead of trying to determine what is fake news, people should just use a trustworthy source that is known for its accuracy and high content standards.

Personally, I get my news on Facebook, because the reporters always provide all the facts and live their ideals.

It is efficient, too. For example, in less than 5 minutes this morning, I found 9 essential oils that can cure me of my sexuality, discovered that those vaccines I had 20 years ago...

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The Indian salesman

A young guy from India moves to the US and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was an insurance salesman back in India ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked...

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

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A history professor is lecturing his class on changing beauty standards. He shows his class a black-and-white picture of a woman who is 4'10" and has very small breasts.

"This woman won several beauty pageants in the 1930s," says the professor. "Do you think she'd do very well in a beauty pageant today?"

"Definitely not," says one of the students.

"What makes you say that?" implores the prof.

"Well," says the student, "she's very, very old today...

Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"

But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

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Honest, officer, I was not paying this woman for sex.

I was paying her to lower her standards.

I'm getting so sick of these double standards...

Burn a body at a mortuary and 'you're doing your job', do it at home and you're "Destroying evidence"





P.s wasn't sure to post this to /r/jokes or /r/funny

The double standards in relationships nowadays are ridiculous.

It's so bad that both the man *and* the woman are getting the shaft.

If the nearest gas station is 15 kilometers away and the standard walking speed is 5.7 mph,

then why did it take my dad 30 years to buy some milk?

Physics teacher: James, what do you call the standard measurement of power?

James: What?

Teacher: Oh, I guess you were paying attention.

Did you know that to make a crib that meets Federal standards, it takes at least 763 nails?

But it only takes one screw to fill it.

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A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

What do you call a Russian that can't drive a standard?

Stallin'

Why do They bury Lawyers 12' down instead of the standard 6'?

Because deep down, their really nice people.

I try to keep up with large vehicle emission standards

But idling busses are exhausting.

What do you call a gangster who believes in double standards?

A hypocrip.

If the US switched from the standard measurement system to metric overnight,

there would be mass confusion.

Hypocrite walks into a bar......

"I'll have a standard, please. Make it a double."

A young man went in to a restaurant and ordered a standard eggs, bacon, toast and coffee breakfast. The server told him they were out of bread, would he like a biscuit...

So he got the biscuit instead. After eating, he headed home, but started to feel bad. His stomach was cramping and he was gassy. Why?


He was Lack Toast Intolerant!


You've been Dad joked on Father's day! Happy father's day fellow dad's!

What is the First Order's standard unit of measurement for length?

A Kylometer

Fun fact: Popeye the Sailor Man isn't actually all that strong by Danish or Norwegian standards...

... but he's strong to the Finnish!

People on Reddit seem to have way too low standards

Everyone keeps calling me OP

My standards for women are way too high

You could almost say they're... Double standards

Double standards are the worst.

I mean, one flag is enough.

Wanted to talk to my boss about how tired I am with writing these Standard Operating Procedures...

But he does not want to hear my SOP story.

Joe works as a newspaper delivery man.

He likes his job, but holds a low opinion of the newspaper he works for. He thinks they are sensationalist and have a poor standard of writing. Still, the job pays well and has good benefits, so he tries not to think about it.

One day a man visits the newspaper's office and asks if they have ...

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Mortician.

A mortician was going about his typical day of embalming and what not, when he came across a client that had the biggest male member he had ever seen. Even by porn standards his hog was huge. So the mortician decides he needs to preserve this monstrosity of man meat because this definitely has to be...

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Women are the victim of so many double standards...

If a man fucks a lot of women, he's celebrated and called a stud and player. But if a woman fucks a lot of men, she's called your mom.

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I hate double standards.

A guy with 6 pack abs was shirtless yesterday and nobody gave a shit. But today, I was hot and decided to take my shirt off and people looked disgusted and I got the police called on me. All I did was let my tits hang out. Why is this a problem?

Why do Taiwanese students always do so well on their standardized tests?

They've got a Taipei personality

I walked into a Subway copycat joint earlier to see how their sandwiches compare. They claimed to be Sub standard...

but i thought they were below par.

"Buzz, why in tarnation did ya shoot the spaghetti?", Woody exclaimed.

Buzz leaned back with a satisfied smile.

"Wasn't up to my standards", he commented.

"What do you mean?", Woody replied.

"Flavours were off."

"You... you've had spaghetti?"

"It's a Space Ranger specialty. In all emergency ration kits. And given how many emergencies ...

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

Cowboy Insurance

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.


"Ever have an accident?"


"Nope, nary a one."


"None? You've never had any accidents."


"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."


"Well, ...

Does anyone know of a good character encoding standard that I can give to someone I care about?

ASCII for a friend.

Worker- Can I get a raise? Boss- Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment.

Worker- I don't get it !

Boss- That's right.

Anyone wanna hear one about a couple olives? (it’s long but worth the read trust me)

So there are these 2 olives right, let's call
them Frank and Bobby…… and these two
are long time best friends, and they’re as good of guys as they come, and always just having a good time together. Nice as can be. Just some good timing olives you know? Anyways they're on a high top table at a ...

A guy goes into a job interview...

And the interviewer is asking him the standard questions. The interviewer says "you've got a 4 year gap in your resume since your last job. Can you detail that for me?" The guy says "sure! I went to Yale for 4 years." The interviewer says "remarkable! You're hired!" The guy replies,

"Oh thank...

What do you call a doctor that helps you conform to standards?

A protocologist

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