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Trump and Obama are the new standard for penis measurement

One of them is a dick. The other one is a ruler.

If the nearest gas station is 15 kilometers away and the standard walking speed is 5.7 mph,

then why did it take my dad 30 years to buy some milk?

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So sick of double standards these days.

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"

I'm getting so sick of these double standards...

Burn a body at a mortuary and 'you're doing your job', do it at home and you're "Destroying evidence"





P.s wasn't sure to post this to /r/jokes or /r/funny

University students regularly complain about the increasing cost of their tuition and standard of living but never mention the costs that are actually decreasing

Like the cost of employing University graduates

In 2020 Ford is re-releasing the Bronco

There will be a special edition OJ trim level:

Standard White paint with dark tinted windows, governed to 30 mph, extended range gas tank, and has an undersized glove box.

What do you call a Russian that can't drive a standard?

Stallin'

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Three tampons are walking down the street. One super large, one standard and one ultra slim. Which one stops to say hello first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

What do you call a gangster who believes in double standards?

A hypocrip.

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

Worker- Can I get a raise? Boss- Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment.

Worker- I don't get it !

Boss- That's right.

Why do teachers always laugh at the new standards for teaching math?

Because the real joke is always in the common core.

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Today I was offered sex by a young attractive woman, in exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards and strong will power.

Almost as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

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This should be a standard response to chemistry jokes

Flourine Uranium Carbon Potassium

Yttrium Oxygen Uranium

Arsenic Sulphur Tungsten Iodine Phosphorus Einsteinium

:)

If the US switched from the standard measurement system to metric overnight,

there would be mass confusion.

People on Reddit seem to have way too low standards

Everyone keeps calling me OP

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One has standards

Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"

But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

Wanted to talk to my boss about how tired I am with writing these Standard Operating Procedures...

But he does not want to hear my SOP story.

What do you call a doctor that helps you conform to standards?

A protocologist

Fun fact: Popeye the Sailor Man isn't actually all that strong by Danish or Norwegian standards...

... but he's strong to the Finnish!

What is the First Order's standard unit of measurement for length?

A Kylometer

I walked into a Subway copycat joint earlier to see how their sandwiches compare. They claimed to be Sub standard...

but i thought they were below par.

A standard elevator can hold 1700 lbs

or 5 Tinder matches...

Why do They bury Lawyers 12' down instead of the standard 6'?

Because deep down, their really nice people.

Does anyone know of a good character encoding standard that I can give to someone I care about?

ASCII for a friend.

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I hate double standards...

Hell I hate standards, I'd have sex with alot more women if they didn't have them. Jerks.

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Women are the victim of so many double standards...

If a man fucks a lot of women, he's celebrated and called a stud and player. But if a woman fucks a lot of men, she's called your mom.

Double standards are the worst.

I mean, one flag is enough.

My standards for women are way too high

You could almost say they're... Double standards

I'm putting my standards up for adoption

Because I can't raise them anymore

My friend is lonely because she doesn't date men under 7'

I just think her standards are too high

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Double standards are amazing.

If I take my top off I'm called a "poser".

But if a women does it, suddenly I'm not allowed to masturbate?

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I hate double-standards; when my girlfriend puts on a pair of puppy-dog eyes, it's "cute", but when I do it...

Everyone is just "Oh god Mercury what the fuck did you do that puppy?!"

An Interesting Proposal

So I drive around the city a lot, see a lot of stuff, ya know, trees and whatnot. Anyways, I just passed a homeless lady who was holding a sign that said " widowed, single, need help, kisses included."

What an interesting sign, so unique, so confident, so single...

So she came up to my...

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Double standards

When a Woman gets a vibrator, its seen as a bit of naughty fun.

But when a guy orders a Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with a non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built-in orgasmic scream surround sound system, he is cal...

Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty?

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

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There were once three friends who were absolutely inseparable in high school.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways.
One of the friends went on to become a very successful defense attorney. Top of his class at Harvard Law, opened his own firm, made e...

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar.

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."

Sylveste...

Double standards are not fair!

When miley cirus gets naked and licks hammers its beautiful and artistic, but when I do it its weird, creepy and I get a life time ban from Ikea.

Even pigs have standards

A Rabbi, a Hindu holy man, and a Philadelphia Eagles fan are in a car together. the car breaks down near a house with a barn. The owner says, "Well, I only have room for two of ya, so one's gonna have to sleep in the barn." The Hindu holy man volunteers. Five minutes later, he explains, "I cannot sl...

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I'm gonna make like a standards censor

and get the fuck outta here.

I work at a cell phone repair place at the mall.

It's literally called 'Cell Phone Repair.'

Don't let the name fool you though, we fix just about anything. Tablets, computers, TVs, whatever. I use all sorts of tools, but super glue is one of my favorites. You can't even begin to imagine how many problems it solves.

Anyways, I used to...

Why couldn't the physicist get the Standard Model to work?

Because it wouldn't commute!

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I've just got back from the hospital where the nurse asked me " Could you masturbate in the cup?"

I thought, I'm good, but I'm not quite competition standard.

What's the difference between the standard alphabet and Christmas alphabet?

There's Noel.

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A man is out Golfing.....

He is having a pretty standard game half way through his 18. When he arrives to his next hole he sees a little frog had followed him. He grabs his club and readys his swing when he hears "Ribbit, 3 Wood". He looks down at the frog surprisingly, "What was that? Did you say something?" So the man pul...

My standards for women are the same as my standards for juice.

Five and Alive.

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My talk with the Principal

I was a cocky little turd when I was younger. I remember getting called into the principal's office once when I was 9 years old.

"You're behavior is getting worse and worse each day. Standards really are slipping."

"Ahem, I'll do the talking" he said.

What do you call a repost on r/jokes?

Sub-standard.

So my ex wife was sick in the hospital and I decide to visit her.

She was complaining that her body temperature has dropped below 30. So I told her not to worry since it's a standard body temperature for snakes.

My German friend and I like to rate women at Walmart on their looks...

I hate to say the guy has low standards, but I saw a lot of twos and threes. He just kept yelling NINE, NINE, NINE, NINE.

I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 28.

28 kids are way too many by any standard.

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