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Touches Jokes

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF file

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Everybody touches a pregnant's belly to congratulate her

But no one touches a man's balls and tell him good job

Which one touches the ground faster, a feather or an emo kid?

The feather cuz the emo kid’s attached to a rope…

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A blind man goes into a bakery, touches the salt croissant and says...

...WHICH IDIOT WROTE THIS BULLSHIT ON IT!?

A very unlucky man finds a strange looking lamp, and when he touches it, a genie pops out.

The genie tells him he has one wish

The man says "Wow, finally my bad luck will come to an end!"

After thinking about it for a long time, he says "I wish I had the midas touch"

The genie grants his wish, and for the rest of that mans life everything he touched turned into a muf...

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A man hires a Scottish prostitute but finishes before she actually touches him

He got off scot-free.

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A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

My Father often said, "Everything the light touches is yours."

It was a lovely sentiment, but he never paid the electric bill either.

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

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Girl: “Forgive me Father for I have sinned”

Priest: “What did you do dear?”

Woman: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Woman: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Woman: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason to ca...

Simba, everything that the sun touches is yours

Except the water, that is owned by nestle

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A tattoo artist went to a coffee place and ordered coffee but forgot his wallet...

so he tells the woman at the counter that he can't pay for it. The woman gets angry at first and then asks "What can we do about this situation?" The tattoo artist says "Well I can give you a tattoo for free instead and we can call it even". The woman thinks for a while, reluctantly agrees to it and...

In a small South American village, a man was putting the final touches on a new cheese recipe…

The man, a chemist, was surprised at the secret ingredients that made it so delicious: sodium, carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen.

“Now I just need to give it a name…” he thought.

Suddenly, a burglar dropped out of nowhere and snagged the vat of cheesy goodness!

“STOP!” the man shoute...

What do you call someone who touches cereal inappropriately?

A chex offender

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If a boy touches your...

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"?
Daughter: But mom, he touched both so I said "don’t stop"

What do you call a tornado that never touches down?

A tornadon't

What does Will Smith say when he touches a hot stove

Ahhhh that's hot

What do you call cookies that no one touches?

Ignoreos.

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Mufasa: Everything the light touches, is our kingdom. Simba: What about that shadowy pla-?

Mufasa: Did I fucking stutter?

Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says

Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"

What happens when a glassblower touches the glass while it’s still hot?

They feel pane.

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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says...

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"


Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder and a...

What did the caesar salad say when the final touches were being added?

Et tu, crout?

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If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

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