A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring last night.

I was dyeing inside

Why does Batman wear dark colors? Thats easy, Batman doesent want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright colors?

Thats easy...


Batman doesent want to get shot.

The color of the upvote is red, that’s why it’s called Reddit

*just a joke no need to get aggressive*

My least favorite color is purple.

I hate it more than red and blue combined.

What color is a window?

Well, the answer's pretty clear.

What color can stop any argument?

Agreen

When I close my eyes, I always see the color green.

Probably just a pigment of my imagination.

What's a black cat's favorite color?

Purr-ple.

My teacher said to use the colors green, yellow, and pink in a sentence

The first student said "my favorite colors are green, yellow, and pink."

The second student said "The grass is green, the sun is yellow, and my shirt it pink."

Finally, a Mexican kid piped up and said "when my phone goes green green, I pink it up and say yellow."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are...

you have small boobs....

A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork.

The poor man dyed a loan.

I recently discovered I am color blind

It came out of the purple

I accidentally drank a little food coloring earlier today..

I ended up dying inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do the colors in the German flag stand for?

Black: cars

Red: sausages

Yellow: beer

Blue: jews

A husband buys a dozen underwear for of the same color for his wife. His wife argues: “why the same color? People will think that I don’t change my underwear!”

In which the husband retorts “which people?!” >:/

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

What’s Helen Keller’s favorite color

Velcro

An American patriot told me, “These colors don’t run.”

Well actually yes they do. Faster than anything else in the universe: the speed of light.

I drank some food coloring

The doctor said I'm okay

But inside I'm dyeing

Every book is a coloring book if you hate librarians.

Credit: Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P)

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until

they are flashing behind you.

I have color blindness

That means I never lost game of UNO

Have you ever wondered why Americans spell it, "Color" or "Neighbor" and Canadians spell it, "Colour" and "Neighbour"?

It's because America doesn't care about you

Choose a color, I’m taking a survey.

Reddit is, then

A man is surrounded by colorful acid. Turn left, it's over, turn right it's over...

Guess he dyes

I dreamt that I invented a new color last night

Turns out it was just a pigment of my imagination

I made a sideshow of guessing whether you're right or left handed just by asking your favorite color.

I'm very proud of my 90% success rate.

Why do we color Easter eggs?

Because Jesus dyed for your sins.

Happy Easter!

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?

Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious

Why did the redneck get colored pencils before he got his flu shot?

He heard that vaccines can make you artistic.

Brazillian

During his daily security briefing this morning, Trump was advised by an aide that three Brazilian peacekeepers had been killed in Iraq the day before.

To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Trump's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whim...

What color is a US dollar?

Mint green

How do you spell the color that is an equal mix of white and black?

USA: Gray

Britain: Grey

Canada: Grehy

What color were the skies over the Bahamas thus weekend?

Dorian Gray

A panda bear walks into a bar...

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The panda eats the sandwich, whips out a pistol, and shoots the waiter dead. As he is walking towards the exit, the bartender yells “HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU DIDNT PAY FOR THAT SANDWICH AND YOU JUST SHOT MY WAITER!”

The panda bear just...

Took my chameleon to the vet cause he stopped changing colors.

Doctor says he has a reptile disfunction.

Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour

British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u

I'm thinking about opening a clothing store. Half the store will carry only traditional, colorful women's gowns from India, and the other half will carry everything else.

I'm going to call it Sari/Not-Sari.

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag...

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher repli...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are off to prison, and they can each bring one item with them

The first mentions his carton of cigarettes. Not only can he smoke it, but he can trade it too.

The second mentions deck of cards. It has always helped him pass the time, and jail is definitely no exception.

The two guys look at the third, who is just quietly staring off into the dista...

I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.

But apparently it just changes the color of the baby

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

- Is white a color?

- Yes it is.

- Is black a color?

- Yes it is.

- That means I sold you a colored TV!

It’s really tough being a color blind person from Colorado

The only thing I see is “ado”

Harry Potter just released a new figure of its leading hero Mr. Scamander. But it isn’t very good the shirt is the wrong color, the scarf is too short, the nose is to long, and a bunch of other little things are wrong.

Did they really think I wouldn’t notice all these wrong My Newt details?

Fall is the most beautiful time in Florida, really...

All the license plates start changing colors.

I always wanted to be a lumber artisan

Everything about it seemed so appealing, the beauty of creating uniquely carved furniture, the wide variety and color to create from, even the manliness aspect from it. My parents were always against it and insisted I do something that was more reliable and practical. I started to realize they were ...

What's red and tastes like blue food coloring?

Red food coloring.

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition: who could render a knot out of a multi-colored suit-tie the fastest. They went on, waited in line, and eventually competed against each other, however in the end they all had the same time.
...

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What religion is your bra??

A man walked into then ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
“I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.”

'”What type of bra?”, asked the clerk.
“Type?”, inquires the man, “There's more than one type?”

“Look around”, said the saleslady, as she sh...

Why do leaves change color in Autumn?

Because instead of chlorophyll, they chloro-empty.

Why don’t Americans spell “color” like “colour?”

It was their way of telling Great Britain that they don’t need u.

A man walks into a bar and it's empty except for the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.

He hears someone whisper, "Psst...I like your tie." The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.

"Psst....that color looks nice on you."

He asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but.....are you speaking to me?"

The bartender rolls his eyes and says,"No, sorry about that. It's the pean...

Jake decided to send his good friend, Thomas, a bouquet of flowers to celebrate Thomas's business expansion.

He called a florist in Thomas' local area and made arrangements- flowers, personalized note, vase, and so forth.

A week later, Thomas called Jake, confused. "Jake- what the hell? The florist dropped off a bouquet of lilies with a message that says 'Rest in peace.'"

Jake realizes the fl...

Lately my comment karma has been so good, Reddit sent me an award featuring a colorful lizard.

It's a comment karma chameleon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Politics

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered..."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, bu...

A little girl walks into a pet store and tells an employee that she would like to buy a bunny.

The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or...

I just failed the entrance exam for the Marines ending my life long dream of being one.

They told us to color the American Flag and I'm the only one who didn't eat the crayons.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

Green is definitely my favorite color

I like it far more than blue and yellow combined

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor because my testicles were turning a greenish-brown color

He said I have Hazelnuts.

This is a test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your...

Roses are blue, violets are red,

I’m color blind.

My wife told me her dreams were in vivid, but weird colors.

I told her it was just a pigment of her imagination.

What color breaks the law?

Violate.

Bob was a fierce pirate captain...

Bob owned a 1 cannon ship and every day, he went out and fought with this boat. One day, he came across a different 1 cannon ship. He said "Mate, fetch me my red shirt." His mate returned with his red shirt. Bob put the shirt on, started firing, and won. He went sailing the next day and this day, he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A teacher is showing her class how to associate colors with flavors.

She gives Sally a green Lifesaver. Sally pops into her mouth and says, "it's lime!"

The teacher says, "very good." And hands Timmy a red Lifesaver.

Timmy tastes it and says, "it's strawberry!"

The teacher says,"correct." Next she gives Billy a brown, honey flavored Lifesaver. <...

How does Bono spell the word 'color'?

With or without U

I took a Color blind test...

Damn optometrist thinks I didn’t realize she showed a bunch of green circles without numbers

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

What is The Night Kings favorite color?

Burnt Umber.

Doctor Visit

I told my doctor that the pills she prescribed had me seeing colors.

She said it was a pigment of my imagination.

What color is the letter M?

Pastel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Flight to Israel...

A woman wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, "It's easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it, when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there's your dog.”

So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv,...

Do you know what color a fart makes if you're not careful?

Shartreuse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nymphomaniac goes to the grocery store

and gets horny looking at all of the cucumbers and savory meats. When the hot bag boy offers to carry her groceries to the car she can’t help herself, and whispers in his ear, “hey, I’ve got an itchy pussy.”

He says, “you’ll have to tell me what color, ma’am, because all these Japanese cars l...

I passed my kidney stones with flying colors!

But mostly red.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.

So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid aga...

So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick...

She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.

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