They always told me to put 5 colors on my plate to stay healthy.

So how did I get diabetes on my M&M only diet?

Why does Batman just wear dark colors?

Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot.

Why does Robin just wear bright colors?

Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot

What color is the wind?

Blew

What’s a cats favorite color?

Purrrple!


(Told by my 5yo niece.)

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I'm fine, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

I like the color green

I like it as much as blue and yellow combined

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

What color is a mirror?

It depends who you ask

What do the colors green, pink, and yellow have in common?

The phone rings green....green.....green! So you pink it up and say yellow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told a black man this morning I don’t see color...

He told me that’s nice, he still had to write me a ticket for running a red light.

What do you call a person who studies the color blue?

A cyantologist.

[NSFW] A husband buys a dozen of VS panties of the same pattern and color to his wife

Wife : " oh god,now people will think that I never change my panties "

Husband " which people?"

[Original joke might be lost in translation]

Whenever my wife is upset

Whenever my Wife is upset, I let her color in my black and white tattoos.

Sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon..

What do you call allies who color things in rainbows to show support for Pride?

Dye-er Straights!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when a chameleon can no longer change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man sits next to a young punk on a bench in the park (NSFW)

The punk has a mohawk 16 inches high and all different colors and the punk can just feel the old man staring at his hair. After a few minutes, the staring gets too much and the punk turns to the old man and says:

"What's the matter old man? Never did anything crazy before?"

The old man...

I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.

I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby.

Or at least that's what my mailman said

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...

First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."
Second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything in...

I have a magic pen that can write any color.

Red, green, blue, yellow, and even words that aren’t colors.

A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were.

I said, "Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the Green Lantern is weak to the color yellow, if you pissed on him, would he become weak?

Either way, he'd be pissed

There was a sale on hair color at the salon.

Three people dyed.

What's the difference between someone out in the sun all day and a large-haired disco dancer with colorful perspiration?

One sweats profusely and the other fro-sweats pucely.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jews, Moishe and Abram, are arguing.

Moishe: Black is a color

Abram: No it is not.

Moishe: I'm telling you, black is a color.

Abram: No, it's not.

They go to the rabbi.

Moishe: Rebbe, is black a color?

Rabbi: Yes, Moshe, black is indeed a color.

Moshe: See, Abram, I told you.

Abr...

Two Irish priests decided to go on a vacation to Barcelona.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach...

Did you hear about the guy who passed away because he consumed too much food coloring?

He dyed.

Purple is my least favourite color

I hate it more than red and blue combined.

A man out shopping bought some new condoms.

When he got home, his wife noticed the brand. “Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?” she

asked.

“There are three colors,” he replied. “Gold, silver and bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asked.

“Gold, of course,” said the man.

“Really?...

I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom.....

Until they are flashing behind you!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

I was passing gym class with flying colors until we got to the skiing unit.

It was downhill from there.

When you choke a smurf,

what color does it turn?

why are racists so good at doing laundry?

They always separate the whites with the colors

A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day.
The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the cl...

What did the color say to the other color?

I love hue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

My neighbor’s yard is so vibrant and colorful.

Good thing I switched his weed killer to MiracleGro.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, Englishman and a Russian applied to be CIA agents.

They go through every single test and pass with flying colors. For their final test they are given a pistol and led inside a room with their wife tied to a chair and they have to kill her. The american goes into the room and comes out 5 minutes later.

-"I couldn't do it, I'm sorry." He says a...

Husband lost his wife

Husband: I lost my wife, she was shopping and has not come back yet.

Inspector: What was she wearing?

Husband: I'm not sure a suit maybe or dress i don't know.

Inspector: What her weight?

Husband: I don;t know i have never checked.

Inspector: Slim/ tall/ healthy....

A man walks into an empty bar, except for the bartender.

He sits down and orders a drink.

After a few seconds he hears a whisper: "Pssst... I like your tie."

He looks around but doesn't see anyone.

"Pssst... "that color looks nice on you"

The man asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but... are you speaking to me?"

The barten...

A blonde changed her hair color

There was a blonde who was fed up with all the blonde jokes she had heard. So she changed her hair color to to brown.

She was driving along a country road and saw a shepherd herding sheep. She stopped and dared the shepherd. She asked if she could take a sheep if she could guess how many of t...

My wife arranged the plates by color and size...

It’s a rare dish order

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

How do you get red color from green color?

You put frog in mixer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring?

One is nude in dye and the other died in new.

Bought a new camera today…

and wanted to test it out. I was looking for a good subject and found a salon where a guy was cutting a woman’s hair. I went in and asked him if I could take some pictures. He said she wanted a rainbow look, and it would be great to get some before and after pics to capture the coloring process.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

A pair of Lightbulb Jokes

How many socialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.



How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two; one to hold a carton the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall

Walking by some kid dressed like a punk rocker with colorful hair sat next to him. The old man looks at kid perplexingly. Annoyed the kid says to the old man “Is there a fucking problem!” The old man replied “no problem, but I fucked a peacock once and I’m just wondering if you’re my son”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old men are about to get in the sauna at the health club

One of them says, “I’ve gotten so fat I can’t even see my dick anymore.” The other asks, “Why don’t you diet?” The first guy exclaims, “Dye it? Shit what color is it now?!”

What is Helen Kellers favorite color?

Corduroy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

smelly and colored dick

One guy comes straight from a fast food restaurant with a hamburger in one hand and a cup of cola in the other. Equipped like this he goes straight to the toilet. Standing in there he tells another guy that he can't put his drink or his food down because of a lack of space. So he asks the other man ...

Why is it good to be color blind?

Because people can’t call you racist.

There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him because he was dressed in really colorful clothing.

He had all this colorful make-up on and his hair was spiked up with red, green, & yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin' at,eh? Didn't you do anything strange when you were a teenager?" "Well, yeah," the o...

Batman and Robin get ready for patrol

Batman: You ready Robin?

Robin: I'm not sure about this costume Batman. It's so bright and red. And why do I have to wear a silly yellow cape?

Batman: Well, we're superheroes Robin. We got to dress the part.

Robin: I'm still not sure about this Batman. I mean, you aren't dressed...

A man rushed to his friend after reading the newspaper

The man said to his friend, with his face drained of color, and said;

“This news might be difficult for you to hear” said the man

His friend thought to himself, nervous about what it could be.

“What is it?” The friend said

The man murmured to himself, barely above the whi...

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

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An old man set out on his first trip to the mall

At the food court he was people watching and noticed a young man dressed in wild clothes with a multi-color mohawk.

The young man notices the old man staring so he walks over and rudely asks him if he has a problem.

The old man stared at him a moment longer and said, "Not really, just ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yknow if a guy remembers your eye color after the first date, chances are you’ve got

small tits

What is yellow in color that you shouldn’t try to drink?

A school bus.

I am really sad because my pet chameleon won’t change colors

I think he has ereptile dysfunction

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

American guy walks into a bar

An American guy walks into a bar, he has a big beautiful, colorful, parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says “Wow! That thing awesome, where’d you get it?’

The parrot says “In America, they got millions of ‘em!”

Went to the doctor the other day after drinking a gallon of food coloring

I was peeing all these funny colors. He diagnosed me with a case of "dye urea".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inebriated Indecency

(Sorry for mobile formatting)
Betty and Barry, a middle-aged couple, went out late one hot Friday night to grab dinner. After they had finished their meal, they sat with drinks and enjoyed dessert. Barry excused himself to the restroom and Betty sat there listening and observed the other patrons ...

Pedro gets a New Secretary.

Pedro gets a New Secretary.
He faces a volley of rapid fire questions from his wife, who is always a bit suspicious of her husband’s roving eye.

Dora (Pedro's wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?"

Pedro: “Didn’t quite notice."

Dora: "What color are her eyes?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors "No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in

The lemon-limelight

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap.

He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired woman jumps to her feet.

“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology....

Someone colored all over the southeast part of my world map

That was just downright rude!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heard the body paint store now has some color mixes named after emotions

Well, color me surprised!

also English is not my first language and I am really proud of that shitty joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite 4th of July joke: Do you know why Americans spell color, humor, and behavior that way they do?

"Because fuck u that's why."

-- George Washington, Revolutionary War

I went to the ophthalmologist to treat my color blindless.

But they treated me so poorly I saw grey all the way home.

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?

A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a you problem".

Science Trivia: What's it called when you see colors in the air that aren't actually there?

A pigment of your imagination

A blonde moves out to the country....

A blonde moves out to the countryside because she's tired of people in the city assuming she's dumb because of her hair color. She dyes her hair brown, packs up, and moves out. On her way to her new house she passes a shepherd with a herd of sheep. Eager to start her new life, she pulls over and pos...

Thankfully it's not another virus we have to worry about.

The police have found a large number of dead crows on the 101 just north of
Ventura early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed
the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
Th...

What color was the wet fart?

Shart-treuse

A man is getting dressed in the gym locker room when the cellphone on the bench next to him begins to ring.

He answers, "Hello?"

"Hi, honey. I'm at that furniture store and, I know we talked about this before, but that dining room set is on sale for $900 and I just don't think I can pass it up this time-"

"Don't worry about it, babe," replied the man. "If it's on sale, you go ahead and pick ...

I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple,

but it was just a pigment of my imagination.

The nun's old outfit

A nun noticed that the outfit she had worn for twenty years was faded, so she got some plants and chemicals and tried to change the color, but no matter how many times she tried, the color stayed the same.

Old habits dye hard.

A Woman & a Shepard

(Preface: My father told me this joke when I was little.)

There once was a woman who was sick of all the blonde jokes she had been the victim of. So, she decided to make a change - she dyed her hair, freshened up her wardrobe, even bought herself a new car. Feeling like a bee person, she vent...

Just saw a color at the paint store called "Thot".

It's not too bright but it spreads easily.

Why can’t Michael Jackson play chess?

He can’t decide which color to use

I just found out the news that I'm color blind

I was surprised. It came completely out of the green.

Regardless of skin color, nationality, or religion, as a species, we are all meant to be friends and brothers

After all, we are *homie sapiens*

Salesman says to a customer,

"Can I help you find something?"

"I'm looking for toilet paper."

"What color?"

"Give me white. I'll color it myself!"

What do you call an upvote that changes colors ?

A karma chameleon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife sent me to the store to buy tampons.

As I'm standing there confused, a worker approached me and asked, "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Yeah. What are these tampons made out? They are so expensive."


"Well basically just cotton, string, and cardboard." replies the employee.

After thinking for a minute...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the Catholic Church, Priests of any race, color or ethnic origin are disallowed from sexual intercourse

Celibate Diversity

I keep thinking that there's a color between blue and green, but there isn't

It's a pigment of my imagination.

Why do Americans spell it as "color", when it is spelt "colour" everywhere else?

Because the Americans don't care about "U".

A Catholic, a woman of color, a doctor, a Jew, and a rescue dog walk into the White House...

This is where the joke already left.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

Why was the color green notoriously single?

It was always so jaded.

Don't trust someone who disrespects Old Glory by coloring in the white stripes

That's just a big red flag

The royal calligrapher's apprentice.

In the late 1400s there was a young man named Pablo. He was apprenticed to the royal calligrapher for the king of Spain. One day the royal calligrapher gathered his apprentices for a lesson.

"Any letter penned for his majesty must be penned with Ink made here in Spain! It would be a trav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

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