A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring last night.

I was dyeing inside

What's a black cat's favorite color?

Purr-ple.

Why does Batman wear dark colors? Thats easy, Batman doesent want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright colors?

Thats easy...


Batman doesent want to get shot.

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

My least favorite color is purple.

I hate it more than red and blue combined.

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If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are...

you have small boobs....

A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork.

The poor man dyed a loan.

I recently discovered I am color blind

It came out of the purple

I had a dream where I came up with a new color

But it was all just a pigment of my imagination

What color is a window?

Well, the answer's pretty clear.

The color of the upvote is red, that’s why it’s called Reddit

*just a joke no need to get aggressive*

I accidentally drank a little food coloring earlier today..

I ended up dying inside.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

What’s Helen Keller’s favorite color

Velcro

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction!

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What do the colors in the German flag stand for?

Black: cars

Red: sausages

Yellow: beer

Blue: jews

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

An American patriot told me, “These colors don’t run.”

Well actually yes they do. Faster than anything else in the universe: the speed of light.

A husband buys a dozen underwear for of the same color for his wife. His wife argues: “why the same color? People will think that I don’t change my underwear!”

In which the husband retorts “which people?!” >:/

I drank some food coloring

The doctor said I'm okay

But inside I'm dyeing

Every book is a coloring book if you hate librarians.

Credit: Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P)

I have color blindness

That means I never lost game of UNO

Have you ever wondered why Americans spell it, "Color" or "Neighbor" and Canadians spell it, "Colour" and "Neighbour"?

It's because America doesn't care about you

Choose a color, I’m taking a survey.

Reddit is, then

I made a sideshow of guessing whether you're right or left handed just by asking your favorite color.

I'm very proud of my 90% success rate.

I dreamt that I invented a new color last night

Turns out it was just a pigment of my imagination

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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?

Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious

Why did the redneck get colored pencils before he got his flu shot?

He heard that vaccines can make you artistic.

Why do we color Easter eggs?

Because Jesus dyed for your sins.

Happy Easter!

What do the colors on the Polish flag stand for?

Red: Courage

White: Resilience

Blue: Reliable allies

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour

British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u

What color is a US dollar?

Mint green

What color were the skies over the Bahamas thus weekend?

Dorian Gray

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag...

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher repli...

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What religion is your bra??

A man walked into then ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
“I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.”

'”What type of bra?”, asked the clerk.
“Type?”, inquires the man, “There's more than one type?”

“Look around”, said the saleslady, as she sh...

I'm thinking about opening a clothing store. Half the store will carry only traditional, colorful women's gowns from India, and the other half will carry everything else.

I'm going to call it Sari/Not-Sari.

Harry Potter just released a new figure of its leading hero Mr. Scamander. But it isn’t very good the shirt is the wrong color, the scarf is too short, the nose is to long, and a bunch of other little things are wrong.

Did they really think I wouldn’t notice all these wrong My Newt details?

Bob was a fierce pirate captain...

Bob owned a 1 cannon ship and every day, he went out and fought with this boat. One day, he came across a different 1 cannon ship. He said "Mate, fetch me my red shirt." His mate returned with his red shirt. Bob put the shirt on, started firing, and won. He went sailing the next day and this day, he...

Jake decided to send his good friend, Thomas, a bouquet of flowers to celebrate Thomas's business expansion.

He called a florist in Thomas' local area and made arrangements- flowers, personalized note, vase, and so forth.

A week later, Thomas called Jake, confused. "Jake- what the hell? The florist dropped off a bouquet of lilies with a message that says 'Rest in peace.'"

Jake realizes the fl...

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A Flight to Israel...

A woman wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, "It's easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it, when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there's your dog.”

So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv,...

Took my chameleon to the vet cause he stopped changing colors.

Doctor says he has a reptile disfunction.

I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.

But apparently it just changes the color of the baby

Fall is the most beautiful time in Florida, really...

All the license plates start changing colors.

Men do wear the pants in a couple...

But women choose which colors.

It’s really tough being a color blind person from Colorado

The only thing I see is “ado”

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Politics

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered..."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, bu...

Roses are gray

Violets are gray

I'm color blind

And not very good at poetry

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A nymphomaniac goes to the grocery store

and gets horny looking at all of the cucumbers and savory meats. When the hot bag boy offers to carry her groceries to the car she can’t help herself, and whispers in his ear, “hey, I’ve got an itchy pussy.”

He says, “you’ll have to tell me what color, ma’am, because all these Japanese cars l...

A man is surrounded by colorful acid. Turn left, it's over, turn right it's over...

Guess he dyes

Pedro gets a New Secretary.

He faces a volley of rapid fire questions from his wife, who is always a bit suspicious of her husband’s roving eye.

Dora (Pedro's wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?"

Pedro: “Didn’t quite notice."

Dora: "What color are her eyes?"

Pedro: “Haven’t had the time ...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

This is a test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your...

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

If you had to choose between meeting the love of your life and being Spider-Man,

What color would your suit be?

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Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked...

During the days of the Soviet Union a man walks into the local Lada dealership ...

He tells the salesman what color he wants and pays the full cost of the car.

The salesman takes the money and says he should come to pick up the car in 7 years.

The man asks whether that would be in the morning or afternoon.

The salesman asks what difference that makes.

...

Three house pets- a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat-- all die and go to heaven...

As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.

God turns to the golden retriever and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate princi...

So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick...

She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.

A work uniform is a lot like a pair of pajamas...

Usually somebody else buys them for you, it's one of the few outfits you'll wear where the top is the same color as the bottoms, you might not wash them after every single wearing, and it can lead to depression if you're in them for more than 8 hours a day.

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A convent of Catholic nuns receives a letter saying the Pope himself will be visiting in just a few days

They are all very excited and nervous. Mothers Mary, Agnes, and Isadore take it upon themselves to prepare the convent to receive His Holiness and plan a simple but delicious meal of fresh caught fish from the local lake with herbs and vegetables from their own garden.

Agnes goes to the loca...

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

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A Teenage Son and his father are sitting at a restaurant...

When in walks another teenager with colored hair. The father is intently staring down the kid with the colored hair, enough so that it makes his teenage son uncomfortable. The stare down continues while the kid with the colored hair orders his food and heads to a table. While walking by, the kid and...

Did you hear about the experiment where they shot people of different race out of a cannon?

I heard it passed with flying colors.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich

He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tre...

Blue

Did you hear about the group of people that don't believe in the color blue? They think it's cyan's fiction

had a great swim along the beach in Bali

perfect visibility and tons of coral.

I saw a colorful but scary looking thing attached to a rock and waving in the gentle current. I thought to myself: "is it a friend, or anemone?"

What did the paper say to the crayon when he found out that the crayon was pregnant?

Well color me surprised!

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