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Impact Jokes

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

I said “I love you” to my cake.

It burst into tiers.

Edit: rip my inbox!

Edit 2: so many awards but no gold? I dare you to gild me. Go ahead, make my day!

Edit 3: Guys I was being sarcastic and referencing the movie Sudden Impact (cries in being old). Whoever gilded me just wasted their coins but still, thanks...

Impact of a job change!

One day, a taxi passenger touched the driver on his shoulder to ask for something. The driver screamed, lost control of his car, went up onto the footpath & stopped a few inches from a shop. The passenger apologized & said: "I didn't realise that a little touch would scare you so much".
...

My parents don’t let me use the impact driver anymore

I always screw it up

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The coronavirus has really impacted my sex life....

I just don't feel comfortable going down on any old bat any more!

I asked 50 lighting strike survivors about the impact it had on their lives...

The results were shocking.

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My stomach hurts, but if it's guilt or impacted stool, I can't tell.

Either way, I'm so full of shit.

How do car companies measure the impact of a collision

A crash test, dummy

It's important for military engineers to know what an impact driver is.

This is not a drill

California scientists are studying the impact of cannabis seeds from the farms will have on the local seabird population

Apparently they are being thorough and are leaving no tern unstoned

A study into the impact of minimum unit pricing of alcohol in Scotland found it did not cause major bulk buying across the border in England.

Mainly because the off-licenses wouldn't take Scottish notes.

I have read so many things about the impact of smoking and drinking alcohol

I think I will quit reading soon.

Congratulations to Donald Trump winning the presidency...

May his global impact be as tiny as his hands

Recent studies have shown that first names have a significant impact on pregnancy rates.

For example someone called Mary is much more likely to get pregnant than someone called Tom.

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

Being a gastroenterologist is negatively impacting my maturity

Every day I get cilia and cilia

The largest law in Australian history was recently proposed. It only impacts women.

Huge she-law, that one is.

I need a raise.

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. ...

There was an asteroid impact event in the neighborhood town. I went to see the spectacle.

I saw a glowing green celestial stone inside the impact crater. As I was moving towards it, I became all gloomy and suicidal that's when I heard a man shouting

"Mate! You are in a depression"

What four letter word has made the biggest impact in the modern world?

Send.

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What did constipated Yoda say to his fecal impaction?

"I shit you not."

Somebody says video games don't have any impact on your psyche. I can't agree with that.

My Ex-girlfriend played Tetris a lot in her childhood.



She's still waiting for a long stick.

Twenty three years ago I read a book that had a huge impact on my life. It said that life is about the journey, not the destination.

It's a profound insight, but I'd really like to eventually get those cigarettes. I'm dying for a smoke, and I think my son misses me.

What is the difference between Lauren Bobert and a fart?

A fart makes an impact on a room full of people.

I want to make an impact on the planet that lasts long after I'm gone

That's why I drive a hummer

strike at suppository factory

many impacted

A boy is born without a body

A boy is born without a body and miraculously survives. Even though he has no body parts below the neck he manages to make it through high school and on his 18th birthday his father takes him out for his first drink.

The boy drinks his first beer and instantly grows a torso. In utter shock, t...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

With cannabis now legal in my country, we would be remiss not to discuss the negative impacts of smoking weed. For example, after smoking...

...you have less weed.

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song,...

Earlier this year the World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot spread COVID-19. Dogs are not impacted by any lockdown, do not have to be held in quarantine and can be released.

WHO let the dogs out

A woman bursts out laughing in a NASA control room witnessing a comet on an impact course with Earth.

Director: Margaret, this is beyond catastrophic, what on Earth are you laughing at ?

Woman: Sorry, it's just the comet reminds me of my husband.

Director: What are you talking about ?

Woman: Well, it's coming too quickly.

When I die

I’m going to get put in a rocket and be launched into the moon. That way my descendants can look at the crash site and see the impact I’ve made.

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My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

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Three men were about to dive off of a magical cliff

The first man told the other two about why it's a magical cliff " they say when you jump off if you yell what you want it will magically appear at the bottom of this cliff, replacing the water."

So the first man jumps off and yells "GOLD!" All of the water turned into gold coins, and the man ...

Human fetuses are essentially the same as the creature from Alien. Only they take longer to gestate, and if they don't kill you on impact, they'll do it slowly over the course of years...

My mom says such silly things when she drinks hehe

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The bravest (long joke)

Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members.

"Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young ...

Did you hear about the Russian parachute?

It opens on Impact

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Entertainment night at the senior home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist!



Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.



"Yes, ea...

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Rather reluctantly, a young couple took their son to the doctor

"What seems to be the problem?" The doctor asked. Despite the embarrassment, they went on to explain that they were worried about the boys rather small penis and the impact it might have on his confidence growing up.


After examining the child, the doctor sat back and thought for a whil...

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A man walks into a pub with an alligator on a lead..

The bartender says "Hey sir, you can't bring that in here, it's dangerous! You'll have to get out."

The man says "This alligator is highly trained and tolerant, you won't have a problem with him, and I'll prove it to you!"

The bartender asks to see the proof, and the man lifts his alli...

What did they say about the artist who completed suicide by jumping off a building?

Well, at least they finally made an impact on the world.

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I asked my wife for some head

I asked my wife for some head.
She replied, “sure, I’m guessing you want some bootie with that too?”
I nodded excitedly but then felt a harsh impact to my head and fell to the floor in a flash of pain.
“Why did you do that?” I asked angrily.
She replied, “headbutt.”

There once lived a homeless man

The homeless man is wandering about a riverbank one day, when he spots a young woman whose tripped and fell into the river.

Being the kind soul he is, he doesn't hesitate to jump in and rescue her.

All is well, as he managed to save her from drowning.

Suddenly, the richest man ...

Why is jumping from great heights the most influential way to die?

Because you make an impact

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The Green Dickie!

A nymphomaniac just couldn't get enough pleasure. Not from any man, nor any of the many toys she had collected over the years.

One day, while having coffee with a girlfriend, she told her friend about this problem. Her friend knew exactly what she needed, and gave her the name of a ...

Crows

Recently biologists have noted that more crows have been getting killed by vehicles on major trucking highways than on normal roads. After tire print and impact analysis, they determined that these crows are being killed by large trucks, not cars. One especially bright scientist came up with a hypot...

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A bricklayer has an accident at work and is being investigated, as the insurance company doesn't believe his injuries are real. They demand that he send them a description of the accident.

So he writes:

"I'm a bricklayer by trade. I had finished building the guard rail on the roof of the building. I use a barrel and pulley system to raise supplies up to the roof, and loaded the barrel up with the leftover bricks and my tools, weighing approximately 300 lbs, and then went below ...

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Hitler dies and goes to hell...

As he arrives, Satan greets him.

"Welcome to hell, Hitler." He says. "You deserve a place here for your actions. I will show you 3 rooms, and you'll have to switch places with the person inside the room. Now, follow me please."

Hitler stays silent and follows Satan. They walk into a co...

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What do nitroglycerin and my penis have in common?

The slightest jolt, impact or friction can result in spontaneous detonation.

Strong people don’t put others down.

They lift them up and body-slam them for maximum impact.

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A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer...

Came up with this a while back, and found it today. I cleaned it up a bit:

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer can't take it anymore and decide to commit suicide.

The biologist reviews some data and determines the impact velocity required to kill a human. He the...

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold.

A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.
He began an Epic struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.

He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete sla...

A man died in a tragic skydiving accident.

Some say he left an impact on the world.

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A drunkard was zigzagging his way through the streets at 4AM. Two policemen in a car decided to approach him...

One cop asked "where are you going at this time of night?"

"I'm going to a lecture"

"A lecture?! At this time of night? What about?!"

"About the effects of alcohol and drugs on the human body. The damages caused by living a reckless life. The degradation that free love and sex ...

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The Admiral

An Admiral, whom lost one of his ears in an accident and was very
sensitive about his appearance, was interviewing a Navy Master Chiefs,
an Aviation Master Chief and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal
staff...


The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it w...

What's the difference between dark matter and Black Lives Matter?

Dark matter has the capacity to leave an impact on a system

Blind man goes for surgery

A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.

"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."

"Is that a ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Ok.. Hear me out

So the perceived 'Road' in this case is actually the trick by the government to sell more adapters to construction company. This is because the secret lizard people of the UNDERGROUND are controlling the chickens neurons and each brain cell is secretly in on the plot. Y...

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William Shakespeare, Herman Melville, and a Redditor all meet up in heaven one day

Eventually, the conversation turns to the impact their literature had on the world.

Herman Melville starts boasting. He says “I wrote 15 books, and my book “Moby Dick” is still studied in schools and famous to this day”.

William Shakespeare interjects: “That’s nothing! Why, I wrote 192...

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A group of 3 friends go out to a club one night

and have the best time of their life.
They get pretty drunk, and by the end of the night they get in the car and leave.
Drunkenly, they hit a tree on the way home and all three of them are dead on impact.
When they arrive in Heaven, they're welcomed by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. ...

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A quick laugh?

Somewhere, someone out there is thinking about you and the tremendous positive impact you have had on their life. It's not me. I think you're a cunt.

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During the toilet paper shortage of the pandemic I found out a way to massively save money on toilet paper

Firstly I bought a bidet add-on kit for my toilet. But the biggest impact on my toilet paper usage has been that I just quit giving a shit.

A man stumbles across an old oil lamp in an antique store...

The lamp is very dusty, so he gives it a rub, and the room starts to shake, and a genii appears.

He announces, "I am the Great Genii of the lamp! Since you've freed me, I will grant you one wish."

The man replies, "Just one?"

The genii relies, "Blame Reganomics, now time is sh...

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