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Ghost Jokes

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)
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I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
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What did the ghost say when it woke up with a bad hangover?

“Man, I really need to lay off the boos.”
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What room doesn’t have ghosts?

Living room.
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I once told a bad joke about ghosts

It still haunts me to this day.
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Why are ghosts always drunk?

They’re full of booooooos.
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what kind of car does a ghost drive?

A Boogatti!
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Just bought a boomerang from a ghost.

Now I'm worried that this going to come back to haunt me.
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Why did the ghost ride in the elevator?

To lift his spirits.
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"Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts?"

"Yes."

"That's the spirit!"
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A modern day ghost story

Bill was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a fierce rain storm.

The night was rolling on, and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.

Suddenly through the swirling rain Bill saw a car slowly comi...
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Three ghosts were talking about what was keeping them from being promoted from ghoul to specter.



The first confessed, "I have a weakness for boooooooooooooobs."

The second admitted, "I drink too much boooooooooooooze."

The third said, "I lack situational awareness."
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How do ghosts keep in shape?

They exorcise regularly.
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Joke from my 8 year old daughter for Halloween.

Why didn’t the ghost like to take showers?



Because it would dampen his spirits.
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My brother compared religion to ghosts, which I thought was quite disrespectful.

Ghosts never started a war.
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Why does a ghost throw himself off of a bridge?

Banshee jumping
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What does the ghost of a panda bear eat?

Bambooooo.
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Why did the ghost become a bartender?

Because he had a lot of boos.
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What happened when the ghost couldn't make it to the bathroom?

He sheet himself!
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Ghosts are terrible liars.

You can see right through them.
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A man's car gets haunted by a ghost

So he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.

The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250." The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.
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How do ghosts obtain money?

Via a polterheist. Ouch, the downvotes!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex with a Ghost

A visiting professor at Florida State University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of yo...

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What does a horny ghost love to get?

Screampies.

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What does the Japanese ghost say?

Bukkake

(OC) I always wanted to be a ghost for Halloween

Mom thought it was a good idea because when I was up to something she could see right through me, but Dad said I was too dense.
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The ghost of a dead cat walks into a bar

The ghost of a dead cat carrying its severed tail in its mouth walks into a bar at 3 a.m. Only the bartender is there, cleaning up and shutting the place down for the night. The cat puts down the tails and begins to speak. "Pardon me sir, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the cat that was st...
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Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
...
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"im telling you im not a ghost, there are no such things" said the old owner of the inn

but i saw right through her
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What did the ghost mom say to the ghost kid?

It’s tough being apparent.
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What does an Italian ghost wear?

A Garb of Ghoul
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Why do French ghosts smell so bad?

Zay are, ow you say, "covered in sheet".
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Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?

Because it lifts their spirit.
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How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Boooooooobs!



You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween everybody!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a ghost’s favorite porn category?

Booooookake.

On the night of his inauguration, Donald Trump is visited by 3 ghosts

Early in the night, FDR appears. Trump asks him "how can I make America great again?"
FDR replies "think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets"
Trump's face sours "FAKE NEWS!" he screams and FDR disappears. Trump falls bac...
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How does a ghost woman scare her victims?

With her boooooobies


Sorry, wanted to share this awful pun-joke. It's amazing!

EDIT: Thanks for voting this up to hot! Have a lovely and scary Halloween!
Take care everyone!
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A ghost walks into the bar

"Sorry sir, we don't serve spirits".
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What do the ghosts of panda bears eat?

*bamboooooo*
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The Patriotic Ghost

What did the ghost say to his friend on the 4th of July?

Red, white, Boooo!!
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I woke up at 3.00 am to see the ghostly spectre of Gloria Gaynor, standing at the foot of my bed

At first I was afraid...

what type of blood do ghosts donate?

plasma
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How does a ghost plan his day?

He makes a to-boo list
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A ghost walked into a bar.

The bartender asks, 'Wow, a ghost? What are you doing here?'
To what the ghost replied, 'I'm here for the BOOs!'
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Where do ghosts go shopping?

They go to a Bootique
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did you hear about the ghost ship?

i heard they were only working with a skeleton crew
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Why the chicken’s ghost cross the road?

To come from the other side.
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What do you call a ghost of a pie that you cant throw away because it keeps coming back?

Boo-meringue
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Guy giving a lecture, on the paranormal.

Guy: "How many people believe in Ghosts?"

About 60 hands go up.

"How many have seen a ghost?"

About 15 hands go up.

"How many have spoken to a ghost?"

3 hands go up.

"How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One hand goes up, Paddy right at the back.
...

How does a ghost orgy end?

With a Boo!kake
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What do you call a ghost in a painting?

A portrait-geist.
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Jehovah is showing Ra around Heaven one day...

... when a man runs up to them, crosses himself, then spreads his arms and closes his eyes.

"Excuse me," Jehovah says to Ra, "this will only take a second." He waves his hands, there's a flash of light, and a purring kitten goes scampering away from where the man had been.

"Other than ...
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I told my priest I was being haunted by an overweight ghost.

He said I needed to exorcise more.
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What do you call a great dane who hunts ghosts underwater?

Scuba Doo
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In what key do ghosts play the piano?

In the spoo-key.
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Me: the victim is 6’1”; his body has already turned into a ghost.

Police officer: Sir, that’s just a sheet we covered the body with.
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A ghost walks through a bar

Everyone in the bar looked shocked as the ghost said "Can't touch this"
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I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor the other day.

She ended up being friendly. However, when appeared, at first I was afraid - I was petrified.

Why did the trick or treater lose his ghost costume?

Someone scared the sheet out of him
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Why don't you ever see an over weight ghost?

They are deathly afraid of being exorcized
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Why don't monsters eat ghosts?

Because they taste like sheet.
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What do get when a ghost picks his nose?

Boooooogers!
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Hillary Clinton is elected President.

On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest"

*Hillary laughs in his face*

...
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What do you call a ghost without any feet?

A lost sole
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Ghost in the bathroom

One late night, after a drunken revelry, I silently slid into my bed and got a sudden urge to pee.

As I opened the bathroom door the light came on by itself.

I got scared and returned to bed, but unable to control the urge, ventured forth again. The light came on again and scared me ba...
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President Trump is sleeping one night

President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goe...
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My Girlfriend Said I Talked To Ghosts

She said I was a medium
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How do ghosts get drunk?

They drink spirits
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Who was the most frustrated ghost ever?

The one that haunted Helen Keller’s house.
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What do you call a ghost's snot?

a BOOger.
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How do you talk to Italian ghosts?

With a Luigi board.
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What kind of key does a ghost use?

a spoo-key
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What do you call the ghost of a useless scumbag who never deserved to live?

An Ann-Coultergeist
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where do ghosts live?

Boo york
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How u tell a a male ghost from a female ghost

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS
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How do ghosts fly?

Spirit-plane
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Why couldn't the ghost get his girlfriend pregnant?

He had a hollow wiener!
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A man was travelling the countryside with his 8-year-old daughter. One particularly stormy night they were forced to take shelter in a local mansion owned by a lonely widow. The widow was happy to receive guests and was very hospitable for the two weary travellers.

The next morning the father said to his daughter:

"I have to take care of some business in the nearby town. Mrs. Sterling has kindly agreed to look after you while I'm gone. I will be back tomorrow morning. Promise to be good while I'm gone."

"Yes father, I promise", the little girl sa...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

me: I've conquered my fear of ghosts

therapist: that's the spirit!
me: oh fuck where

The ghost of a dog with no tail walks into a bar after closing time..

Barman: Sorry, we don't retail spirits after hours.
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How do you get rid of a fat ghost?

Exorcise it.
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What did the ghost say as he coughed up fog?

Don't worry guys, it's just miasma!
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Why do Scotsmen make good ghost hunters?

Because after they enter a house there’s nae spirits left
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Did you hear about the ghost who didn't pay his mortgage?

His house was repossessed
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There has never been a ghost sighting in Finland

All the ghosts who died there went on to the afterlife due to them having no un-Finnish-ed business.
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A ghost was arrested

And placed in a holding cell with others as they await processing. The ghost turns to the man and asks "what did you get arrested for?"
"Shoplifting" he says, "how about you?"

The ghost smiles and says "possession".
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What do you call Viagra for ghosts?

Specter erector.

Have you ever heard about the ghost hockey player?

It's team spirit.
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Why do ghosts obsess over expensive things?

Because they’re super boougie.
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What’s the best place in the house to hide from ghost?

The living room!
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Ghosts, what is it with them these days?

They go round going ‘whooooo whooooo’, what is that all about. They need to get a life.
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What’s the difference between a shoe and a ghost?

One has a sole!
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I’ve always suspected my girlfriend was a ghost.

These suspicions started every since she walked through the door.
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Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

They would steal all the boos.
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Why was the ghost progressive?

Because he had transparents.
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How do ghosts feed their newborns?

With their bOoOoOobs
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After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...
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What did the ghost pirate say to the other ghost pirate?

Aghast ye!
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A ghost may try to deceive you.

But don't worry, you will be able to see right through them
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Ghosted

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn'...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a ghost's favorite type of porn?

Boookakke!

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Friendly Ghost

A Ghost hunter is travelling the world doing lectures and meet and greets trying to get more people interested in the paranormal.

He's been told that his presentations are boring and lack a certain x factor.

He decides to start his next lecture a little differently and begins by saying...

Why do ghosts make the best lawyers?

Because possession is nine tenths of the law.
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How do you tell the difference between Male and Female ghosts?

One has boooooobs.
The other gets full pay at their jobs.
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A mother ghost was putting it's child ghost to bed...

Mother: "I love you~"

Child: "I love you boo~"

Mother: "I love you more~"

Child: "I love you the GHOST~!"
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Why did the mommy ghost get a restraining order against daddy ghost?

Daddy ghost is a-boo-sive
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Two ghosts were arguing...

Two ghosts had gone out for dinner at the pub and were having a great time until politics were brought up. Things got heated fast and the barman came over to the table to sort things out. Trouble was, the barman couldn't help either ghost see the others perspective mainly because he couldn't communi...
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Why can't ghosts reproduce?

Because they have hollow weenies!

Happy Spooktober!
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Why couldn't the guy ghost get the girl ghost pregnant? (This is my annual joke)

Because he had a hollow-weenie
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What motorcycles do ghosts prefer?

A boocati.
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What's the main religion of most ghosts?

Boo dism
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I don't believe in ghosts....

I think if they were real, they'd be more transparent about it.
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Why did the ghost go to jail?

He got arrested for possession.
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What did the architect of Villa Savoye say when he died and became a ghost?

Le CorBOO

Ba dum tiss.
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Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.

"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?"

"Never tell a lie."

"I don't lie. Go away."

Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

"Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"

"Listen to ...
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How does a programmer ghost scare people?

It yells “BOOLEAN”
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