UPJOKE
spiritsoulpoltergeistwraithspectrespectershadedemonhauntnecromancyundeadpsychephantomghostwritervampire

Why do French ghosts smell so bad?

Zay are, ow you say, "covered in sheet".

Just bought a boomerang from a ghost.

Now I'm worried that this going to come back to haunt me.

Holy Holiday

Jesus, Mary and the Holy Ghost try to plan a vacation.

Holy Ghost: "Let's go to Lourdes!"

Mary: "Oh, let's not. The people there will recognize me and fall to their knees, that's like work! So what about Jerusalem?"

"No", says Jesus. "I had a really bad experience there! How abo...

An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road

The driver discovers he has no service and can't call for help. Just as he starts walking, a shiny new BMW stops next to him. "Hey man, having car trouble?" The driver asks. "I'm afraid so." The driver of the Fiat answers. "Tell you what, my car is strong enough, I'll tow you to the nearest garage!"...

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I live in a very old house, everyone in my town says it's haunted.

It's all superstitious bullshit to me, I've lived here for 127 years and not once seen any ghosts.

It was Halloween in a southern town in the USA.

A Boy wanted to wear a costume for Halloween but he didn't own any so he went to his Mother to ask her to go shopping in order to get one. But her mother said, "Oh I think your Father had a ghost costume at home, let me get it!" She later returned and put the costume on the Boy. The Boy said, "The c...

what do you call a ghost who plays the stock market?

a scareholder (booooo!)

What’s the best place in the house to hide from ghost?

The living room!

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Three men go to Hell [Long]

One random night 3 men went out drinking and having a good time. Drunk, swaying side to side, they decided it was a good idea to walk down the middle of a road. As they get further down the road a truck came through and didn't see them. All three men were hit and died instantly. These 3 men were al...

Two Ghosts Walk Into A Bar

Ghost 1: Hey bro, you new here?


Ghost 2: Yeah.


Ghost 1: So, how did you die?


Ghost 2: I got locked in a fridge. At first I was still fine, but then I slowly suffocated and froze to death.


Ghost 1: Damn that's terrible. Sorry to hear that.


Ghost ...

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Guy giving a lecture, on the paranormal.

Guy: "How many people believe in Ghosts?"

About 60 hands go up.

"How many have seen a ghost.?"

About 15 hands go up.

"How many have of you have spoken to a ghost.?"

3 hands go up.

"How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One hand goes up, Abdul right at ...

Who was the most frustrated ghost ever?

The one that haunted Helen Keller’s house.

The ghost of a dead cat walks into a bar

The ghost of a dead cat carrying its severed tail in its mouth walks into a bar at 3 a.m. Only the bartender is there, cleaning up and shutting the place down for the night. The cat puts down the tails and begins to speak. "Pardon me sir, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the cat that was st...

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Some people tell big dick jokes, some people tell small dick jokes

My dicks a medium- it talks to ghosts.

First date, and she asks to meet up by the river to watch the 'submarine races'

But she ghosted me when I told her I was excited to show her littoral warfare

What kind of stone do you need to evolve eevee into a ghost type?

Easy

any stone can do the job, just remember aim for the head

Did Some Research

I was reading up on some local ghost stories in my area, (I'm from Ohio), and, I was surprised at how spooky some of them were. Maybe it's because I'm biased, living here and all, but I thought they were really terrifying. And, I think the reason for that is because our lake is the eeriest.

How do ghosts fly?

Spirit-plane

What do you call a Christian who lost their faith?

Holy Ghosted.

What’s the difference between a shoe and a ghost?

One has a sole!

My wife always complains that I always leave cabinet doors open.

I will make a great ghost!

A single guy finds an ad in the newspaper: "Find Your Soul Mate! $20!"

He thinks, "eh, why not?" and calls the number. A minute later, an Australian guy shows up with ghost hunting equipment. When the single guy asks what it's for, the Australian says: "I'm here to find your soul, mate."

Why do ghosts make the best lawyers?

Because possession is nine tenths of the law.

Ghosts, what is it with them these days?

They go round going ‘whooooo whooooo’, what is that all about. They need to get a life.

Why do Scotsmen make good ghost hunters?

Because after they enter a house there’s nae spirits left

Did you hear about the guy who got shot with a ghost gun?

He’s got a boo-boo

Did you hear about the ghost who didn't pay his mortgage?

His house was repossessed

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The preacher's sermon

A preacher stands in front of his congregation and announces, "Listen up, everybody! This week's sermon is about ghosts, so pay special attention because I guarantee I know more about ghosts than any of you. As a matter of fact, everybody stand up." The congregation stood.

"Stay standing if y...

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I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

What do you call a Christian Mingle date who never returned your message?

The Holy Ghost.

A ghost walks through a bar

Everyone in the bar looked shocked as the ghost said "Can't touch this"

Why do ghosts love elevators?

It lifts their spirits.

where do ghosts live?

Boo york

The House is Haunted!



Kid: "Mom, Our maid said that there are ghosts in our house and we need to leave!"



Mom: "Ok, i'll tell your father right away!"



\*Few Minutes Later\*



Mom: "Honey, we need to leave this house. our kid says it's haunted!"



Dad: "God da...

There has never been a ghost sighting in Finland

All the ghosts who died there went on to the afterlife due to them having no un-Finnish-ed business.

Baseball in Heaven

Steven and Richard are two old roommates who have always loved baseball.

Together, they make an arrangement. Since they're not getting any younger, the first one to die has to let the other know if there is baseball in heaven.

Specifically, a year after his death, he will sit on the do...

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

Why wouldn’t the bartender give a ghost a drink?

Because they didn’t serve spirits.

Bill and Joe were best friends...

Bill and Joe were best friends since they were kids and had always shared an extreme love of baseball. One day, when Bill was on his deathbed, Joe asked him to find a way to tell him if there was baseball in heaven. Bill promised he would.

A few months after Bill had died, Joe woke up in his ...

Stalin appears in Putin's dream...

Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.

Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" Putin asks.

"Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first ...

I’ve always suspected my girlfriend was a ghost.

These suspicions started every since she walked through the door.

Speeding Car

A cop is doing is regular routine, driving on the highway when he spots a car going 95 miles per hours.

He finally catches up with the vehicle and pulls it over, and both vehicles come to a complete stop at the side of the highway. As the cop walks towards the vehicle, on the back seat, he sp...

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What do you call Viagra for ghosts?

Specter erector.

What does a ghost put on his bagel?

Scream cheese

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!

So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was ...

A blind guy and a hunchback…

A blind guy and a hunchback were drinking in a bar. The hunchback suddenly remembered he promised his wife he would be home before midnight. So he rushes home, taking a shortcut through the cementery.

While walking through this cemetery he suddenly hears: “BOO, i am a ghost, what’s on you bac...

A man was driving in a deserted road at night, when suddenly his car starts to cough and splutter as the engine dies

He is forced to pull over to the side of the road in the complete darkness and silence of the night. He grabs his flashlight and pops the hood to see if there's anything he can do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he can't seem to figure out what's wrong with it and he starts to get anxious.
...

I've just found out my wife is really a ghost.

To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door.

Why does slain Russian soldiers not turn into ghosts

It is against the law to be trans-parent

How do ghosts get drunk?

They drink spirits

Ghost in the bathroom

One late night, after a drunken revelry, I silently slid into my bed and got a sudden urge to pee.

As I opened the bathroom door the light came on by itself.

I got scared and returned to bed, but unable to control the urge, ventured forth again. The light came on again and scared me ba...

What does an exorcist do when his clients won't pay up?

He gets the ghosts to repossess the house.

How do ghosts feed their newborns?

With their bOoOoOobs

Why are ghosts such bad liars?

Because they are easy to see through.

Sometimes parents are too critical.

Like this morning, when I woke up and walked into the kitchen. My dad took one look at me and said, "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"But dad, you've been dead for over a year. Yet here you are in the flesh."

"Then try looking like you've seen a zombie."

So I saw this ghost today and...

The ghost was sad, told him a joke, lifted up his spirits. But I was sad after realizing that this joke is dead

What do you call it when a ghost feels like it’s haunted the same house before?

De ja Boo!

Why did the ghost go to the bar?

For the boos

How does a ghost woman scare her victims?

With her boooooobies


Sorry, wanted to share this awful pun-joke. It's amazing!

EDIT: Thanks for voting this up to hot! Have a lovely and scary Halloween!
Take care everyone!

Why weren’t the ghost parents accepted in the new housing complex?

Because they were Trans-parent

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What is a ghost’s favorite porn category?

Booooookake.

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I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor last night.

She ended up being friendly, but upon seeing her, at first I was afraid, I was petrified.

A ghost sits down at a restaurant table and orders a burger and a drink.

He confirms his order and the waiter asks him 'Do you want frights with that?'

What Do Ghosts Do In Their Free Time?

Exorcise

What kind of magic do ghosts do?

Boodoo

What do Italian ghosts eat?

Spookhetti

Got dumped on Halloween…

Well at least she didn’t ghost me

(OC) I always wanted to be a ghost for Halloween

Mom thought it was a good idea because when I was up to something she could see right through me, but Dad said I was too dense.

What kind of vaccinations are required for ghosts?

"Boo"ster shots!

How do you talk to Italian ghosts?

With a Luigi board.

How do ghosts obtain money?

Via a polterheist. Ouch, the downvotes!

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It's hard to keep a girlfriend when you suffer from premature ejaculation.

Easy cum, easy ghost.

It was a tough Halloween this year..

I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.

Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!"

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board

I wanted to see if I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet.

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and how come he had not gone to the after life yet?"

Turns ...

Knock Knock

"Who's there?"

"Interrupting Ghost"

"Interrupting Ghost..."

"BOO!"

Why don’t ghosts go trick or treating?

Because they have no body to go with them

Heard at a wake

"Here's a toast to the host, who is , at most, a ghost ".

I’d like to thank all the girls on Tinder for helping to make my October extra spooky…

All that ghosting really got me in the Halloween spirit.

Why can’t ghosts have babies?

cause they have halloweenies.


aka. my favorite joke in seventh grade.

What motorcycles do ghosts prefer?

A boocati.

I heard that alcoholism is a big problem in the ghost community…

They are all really into boos

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A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, supervised by a few gruff looking nuns.

Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. The elder nuns insisted that only they would attend to him. The next evening there was a crash and a scream!! The sister ran out the door as fast as she could.

Sister Marry Cla...

What kind of car does a ghost drive?

A Boogatti!

A dwarf who can talk to ghosts escaped from prison.

The police alert said “There’s a small medium at large.”

Why don’t ghosts go out in public?

Because they look like sheet

What's the first thing in organized ghost does in the morning?

Makes a to boo list

Why did the ghost go to beauty school?

It wanted to open up a boo-tique

How does a programmer ghost scare people?

It yells “BOOLEAN”

What do you call a gang of ghosts?

A hauntourage ~

happy spooky season haha

Why can't ghosts reproduce?

Because they have hollow weenies!

Happy Spooktober!

Tinder is haunted

I have been talking to someone on tinder and i told her how much i love halloween. To this, she said "great, i have something perfect for you"

Then she ghosted me.

I used to use a Halloween themed dating app

I left because I kept getting ghosted.

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a ghost?

A poultry-geist!

Why have you never heard of a haunted gym?

The ghosts are exercising themselves.

Why does a ghost throw himself off of a bridge?

Banshee jumping

What do you call it when a ghost farts?

It passed ghast

Do you like jokes about Ghosts?, Yes?

That’s the spirit!

A man's car gets haunted by a ghost

So he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.

The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250." The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.

Why couldn't the redneck dress as a ghost for Halloween?

His daddy had already taken all the white sheets.

Why is it cheaper to throw a party in a haunted house?

Because the ghosts will bring the boos

Two ghosts were arguing...

Two ghosts had gone out for dinner at the pub and were having a great time until politics were brought up. Things got heated fast and the barman came over to the table to sort things out. Trouble was, the barman couldn't help either ghost see the others perspective mainly because he couldn't communi...

I don't believe in ghosts....

I think if they were real, they'd be more transparent about it.

Of course Ghosts have WiFi by now

Just think about how many dead routers there are out there!

How does the ghost of Adele scare people?

She sneaks up on them and says hello from the other side.

Paranormal happenings in the Navy

Just found out that the USS Enterprise (CVN-65, sorry to Trekkies) was haunted. The apparition of a human figure, from the waist down and appearing to have been messily severed from the rest of the body, would walk the ship’s passageways.

While nobody is sure of the ghost’s identity or the ex...

I joined a Christian dating site

And got Holy Ghosted

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

What room doesn't have ghosts?

A: The living room

Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?

They prefer Wight Castle.

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Last week I told a therapist that I was trying to overcome my fear of ghosts.

His answer left me scared since then.


"That's the spirit."

A cop pulls over a car.

He goes up to the window and finds a little old lady in the driver seat. The cop say "Ma'am the reason I pulled you over is because you were driving well below the speed limit and causing a long line of traffic to back up. It's very unsafe."

The lady replied "No officer. The sign back there s...

If a Ghost Rider should be called Daredevil, and Daredevil should be called Batman, what should Batman be called?

Inspector Gadget

In the middle of the night, a taxi driver picked up a lone woman

It's pitch black outside and the woman is otherworldly beautiful. The taxi driver just started doing night shifts and he suddenly remembered all the stories about ghost women seducing young men at night which made him very nervous. Aside from giving an address, the woman was silent the whole way. As...

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The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house... and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face!

He turns to Moe and says, "Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Australia."
"Oh yeah, why?"
"Because it just threw a Boo-Meringue at me!"

"Scary Snack" - A joke told like a horror story

After just arriving to his new home, little 7 year old Johnny was so excited. He just couldn't wait to run inside, find his new room and start unpacking all of his toys.

The afternoon passes, dinner is eaten, and the majority of essentials are where they are needing to be. His parents help hi...

A man and his wife were on a driving holiday and looking for a hotel for the night.

When they found one the manager said "Yes, we have a room and it’s $100 for the night.”

That was a well outside their budget, so they politely turned the offer down and asked if there was anywhere cheaper in the vicinity.

The manager replied "Yes, in fact there is an old hotel just up ...

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A man walking home late one night from the pub..

Decides to take a shortcut through the cemetery. He’s walking through then starts hearing a tapping noise. He gets a little scared and speeds up but the tapping seems to get louder and closer so he starts running and dodging around gravestones but the tapping gets louder.

He runs round a larg...

Why was the ghost progressive?

Because he had transparents.

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A cowboy walks into a bar.

He tips his hat to the bartender and sits at a booth in the corner.

A minute later, a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk in and sit at a table.

Thirty seconds pass and a nun with a bullwhip leads an alligator on a leash to the cowboy’s booth.

Less than a minute goes by and a m...

So this guy tried convincing me he was a ghost.

But i saw right through him.

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What Happens When a Spirit Masturbates ?

It gets ghost nut clarity.

My dad returned from my grandmas house as a ghost

Dad: Christianity is real, and i'm the new god!

Me: wait, why are you dead?

Dad: some redneck blasted me with his shotgun on my way home!

Me: and how are you the new god?

Dad: i'm a father, son, and a holey spirit

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