It must really suck being a ghost who has to haunt the oceans

You gotta go through a lot of hard ships just to do your job

So Mike Tyson dies and becomes a ghost. What is his favorite thing to eat for breakfast?

Ethereal

(A cereal)



I'm proud of this joke

Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.

"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?"

"Never tell a lie."

"I don't lie. Go away."

Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

"Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"

"Listen to ...

What would you call Captain Planet if he fought ghosts instead of eco-terrorists?

Captain Planchette.

What do ghosts wear to formal events?

BOO-ties

What did the ghost pirate say to the other ghost pirate?

Aghast ye!

How do you tell the difference between a boy ghost and a girl ghost?

Their booooobs.

Ghosts.

I don't know when it comes to ghosts and the afterlife, I like to think I'm open minded, maybe there something in it, maybe there isn't.

Actually I recently attended a seance. The psychic who ran it told us she was delighted with the way her business was going. Absolutely booked up solid. ...

Tried to tell a joke to the ghost that haunts my house but I don't think he liked it...

...he just looked at me and boo'd.

What is a ghost's favourite plant

Bam boo

Ghosts are terrible liars...

You can see right through them.

What is the criteria to join a nightclub for ghosts?

No body is allowed in

A ghost walks into a bar.

Wait, nevermind, it went through it.

Why are ghosts good lawyers?

Possession is nine-tenths of the law.

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?

Because it's super natural.

What does an abusive father and a ghost have in common?

Booze

A ghost may try to deceive you.

But don't worry, you will be able to see right through them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call two ghosts dressed up as bees for Halloween???

Boobees....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A performer on stage asks his audience if anyone there has ever seen a ghost.

Some people in the audience raise their hand.

The performer continues and asks if anyone present had ever spoken to a ghost.

Only a few people raise their hand.

The performer then asks if anyone in the audience has ever had sexual relations with a ghost.

An old man at...

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Japanese ghosts' favorite sex fetish?

Bookakke

How does a biologist check for ghosts?

They run an antibody test

I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

What do you call a Native American ghost who plays accordian?

Polkahauntus

The ghost of Ronald Reagan floats into a man's house

As he walks through the wall the man exclaims to his friend 'look dude! Holy s**t its Ronald Reagan! Head on upstairs Mr Reagan you can haunt the attic!'

A few minutes later another ghost floats in, this time its David Bowie. Again the guy yells in excitement 'Dude! It's David Bowie! Mr Bowie...

What did the ghost say when it woke up with a bad hangover?

“Man, I really need to lay off the boos.”

What do you give a ghost on Valentine’s Day?

A booquet of roses.

What's an Australian ghost's favourite dessert?

Boo-meringue.

Why could the ghost have a baby?

Because he had a halloweener.

What do Ghosts eat for breakfast?

Ethereal

I saw a ghost pilot

He was on an ethereal *plane*

So I was paying for my lunch the other day

And there were 2 cash registers. It was halloween at the time and they were selling ghost cookies. I said to the cashier "Could I have a ghost cookie please?" And a woman at the other cash register said the same. Then I said "I guess you could say they're selling like ghost cookies!"

*strums ...

What do you call a ghost of a pie that you cant throw away because it keeps coming back?

Boo-meringue

If a ghost is watching you...

can one say it is spectreting?

Why was the tiny ghost asked to join the football team?

They needed a little team spirit.

I dated a ghost once.

But she was kinda possessive.

What do you call a ghost that likes to work out?

A Swoltergeist

A ghost joins the military

He could never become a Corporeal

FRIEND: It's called cauliflower. It's not ghost broccoli.

######ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette]
Listen kid, I know what I saw.

What do you call a ghost with his own spooking company?

A hauntrepreneur!

3 ghosts wanted to scare 3 men.

There was a teen ghost, a middle-aged ghost and an aged ghost that wanted to scare 3 men: Joe, Sal and Murr.

The teen ghost told the middle ghost "Boo Joe.", and it obliged, much to their enjoyment.

The teen ghost then asked the aged ghost to "Boo Sal", but the ghost responded "I don'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a ghosts favorite porn?

Boo-kaki

Why was the ghost looking for a tissue?

Because he had boo-gers.

What do you call a vertically challenged man who escaped from prison and can commune with ghosts?

A small medium at large.

A gohst enters a bar and order a whiskey

A ghost enters a bar and order a whiskey.

But the barman refuses to pour him the drink: "Sorry, we don't serve spirits"

Matthew McConaughey says he saw a ghost.

It was all white, all white, all white.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ghosts!

So it's the first day of the parapsychology class. The teacher asks, "How many of you believe in ghosts?"

All of the hands go up.

"And how many of you have ever seen a ghost?"

About 90% of the hands go up.

"And how many of you have ever touched a ghost?"

About 20% ...

What car does a ghost drive?

A BOO-gatti

Where do ghosts live?

They don’t.

Want to hear a joke about ghosts?

That's the spirit!

Possessing people as a ghost in China must be hard.

Possession of government property is illegal after all.

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I d...

What is a ghosts favourite thing to throw?

A boo-merang

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

Last December I had too much eggnog and ended up sleeping with a ghost.

I really got into the Christmas spirit.

What did the ghost teacher say to his students?

Look up at the board and I will go through it again

I feel like I’ve seen that ghost before.

I must be having Deja boo.

What kind of ghost haunts a KFC?

A Poultrygeist

A ghost threw a ball at me once

At first i was confused......





and then it hit me...

What’s a ghost’s favorite way to travel?

Spirit airlines.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ghost on ghost sex is so hot...

Boo-kake anyone?

What room do ghosts avoid?

The living room.

A boy goes hysterically running to his father

Father: what's the problem dear?

Son: I just found out that ghosts are real!

Father: Nonsense! Who told you that?

Son: our maid told me that she has seen ghosts.

Father: Quick! Pack your bags! We're leaving right now!

Son: why? What happened?

Father: we don'...

A man is visited by the three ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future.

Man: Whaaaaaaat are you three doing here?!?! I've enjoyed Christmas all my life, I've donated to Orphanages and Children's Hospitals every year, I open my mansion every Christmas to my friends, family, and their kids of course, to come together for one jolly ole' party, and hell I just took in this ...

What is a lewd ghost's favourite type of tea?

Boo - tea

What's a spooky ghost's favourite makeup

Ma-SCARE-ya

 

*^I'll ^show ^myself ^out...*

Why did the sad ghost use the elevator?

To lift his spirit.

What do ghosts drink at Halloween parties?

BoOoOoZe!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do japanese ghosts say?

Buwu

The ghost of my great-grandfather advises me on what size of clothes to buy.

I'm a medium.

I think im getting over my fear of ghosts

Friend: Thats the spirit!

Me: *AAAAAAAAAA*

Why did the mommy ghost get a restraining order against daddy ghost?

Daddy ghost is a-boo-sive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex with ghosts

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do an...

Why do ghosts go to bars?

For the boos

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a ghost's butt?

A Booty.

Did you hear about the ghost comedian’s show last night?

Apparently all you could hear in the place was “Boo!”

What kind of ghost hates millenials?

A "BOOOOO"MER

What kind of pants does a ghost wear?

A pair a normal pants

My nephew's answer:Scaredy Pants

What do ghost cowboys wear?

BoOoOts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a female ghost in person if her boobs are natural

"No," she said. "It's supernatural, you perv."

What do you call the ghosts of those who OD'd on meth?

Methylated spirits

What's in a ghosts nose?

Boo-gers

(Courtesy of my three year old)

Where do Russians send their ghosts?

To the Ghooouuulllll-lag

What happens if you goose a ghost?

You get a handful of sheet!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Football in Heaven

Tom Brady and Gronk are both old and close to death.

Tom goes to Gronk's bedside, and says, "Rob...when you die and get to heaven, can you come back and tell me if there's football there?"

Gronk says yes, and dies later that day.

So about a week later, Tom is sleeping when he h...

What’s it called when a ghost scares the wrong person?

A boo-boo

Two ghosts are arguing

And one says, "Don't lie to me, I can see right through you"

What do ghosts, rappers, and programmers have in common?

Boolean

How does a ghost orgy end?

With a Boo!kake

How do you sneak into a school for ghosts?

Just act super natural.

What happens when a ghost gets hurt?

They get a Boo! Boo!




We sit around the dinner table with my kids and write jokes. I feel like this has already been told.

My daughter came up with this.

[Spooktober joke] Why was the ghost reading the newspaper?

To check the horrorscope

What does a ghost take when he has acid reflux?

Phan-tums

My house was haunted by the ghost of Leonardo Da Vinci last night

I almost had an art attack.

My local bar had a cat...

My local pub used to have a cat that would sit on the bar. All the regulars loved it. They would pet the cat, drunks would talk to it and it became an unofficial mascot of the bar.
One night just after closing time however, the cat was tragically run over by a truck outside the bar. It got mashe...

What sound does a Gen Z ghost make?

uwuuuuu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist ghosted me.

I found out that he hadn’t died because I ran into him at the grocery store a few weeks later.

When a good christian girl starts ignoring your calls, it is not ghosting.

It is holy ghosting.

Is it ethical to consume a ghost?

I don’t want to eat something if it will come back to haunt me

Why does Trump hate ghosts?

Because they can go through walls.

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