Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.

"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?"

"Never tell a lie."

"I don't lie. Go away."

Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

"Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"

"Listen to ...

A ghost may try to deceive you.

But don't worry, you will be able to see right through them

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I woke up to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified!

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What is Japanese ghosts' favorite sex fetish?


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What do you call two ghosts dressed up as bees for Halloween???


What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

How do you tell the difference between a boy ghost and a girl ghost?

Their booooobs.

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

What's an Australian ghost's favourite dessert?


What do you give a ghost on Valentine’s Day?

A booquet of roses.

Why was the tiny ghost asked to join the football team?

They needed a little team spirit.

I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

Why could the ghost have a baby?

Because he had a halloweener.

I saw a ghost pilot

He was on an ethereal *plane*

What did the ghost say when it woke up with a bad hangover?

“Man, I really need to lay off the boos.”

I dated a ghost once.

But she was kinda possessive.

What do you call a ghost of a pie that you cant throw away because it keeps coming back?


What do Ghosts eat for breakfast?


If a ghost is watching you...

can one say it is spectreting?

What does a zombie get when it bites a ghost?

A mouthful of sheet

What car does a ghost drive?

A BOO-gatti

A ghost joins the military

He could never become a Corporeal

FRIEND: It's called cauliflower. It's not ghost broccoli.

######ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette]
Listen kid, I know what I saw.

What do you call a vertically challenged man who escaped from prison and can commune with ghosts?

A small medium at large.

3 ghosts wanted to scare 3 men.

There was a teen ghost, a middle-aged ghost and an aged ghost that wanted to scare 3 men: Joe, Sal and Murr.

The teen ghost told the middle ghost "Boo Joe.", and it obliged, much to their enjoyment.

The teen ghost then asked the aged ghost to "Boo Sal", but the ghost responded "I don'...

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So it's the first day of the parapsychology class. The teacher asks, "How many of you believe in ghosts?"

All of the hands go up.

"And how many of you have ever seen a ghost?"

About 90% of the hands go up.

"And how many of you have ever touched a ghost?"

About 20% ...

Where do ghosts live?

They don’t.

Why ghosts are so bad at lying

Because you can see right through them

Possessing people as a ghost in China must be hard.

Possession of government property is illegal after all.

Want to hear a joke about ghosts?

That's the spirit!

What do you call a ghost with his own spooking company?

A hauntrepreneur!

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What is a ghosts favorite porn?


Last December I had too much eggnog and ended up sleeping with a ghost.

I really got into the Christmas spirit.

Matthew McConaughey says he saw a ghost.

It was all white, all white, all white.

What did the ghost teacher say to his students?

Look up at the board and I will go through it again

What kind of ghost haunts a KFC?

A Poultrygeist

What is a ghosts favourite thing to throw?

A boo-merang

What’s a ghost’s favorite way to travel?

Spirit airlines.

I feel like I’ve seen that ghost before.

I must be having Deja boo.

A man is visited by the three ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future.

Man: Whaaaaaaat are you three doing here?!?! I've enjoyed Christmas all my life, I've donated to Orphanages and Children's Hospitals every year, I open my mansion every Christmas to my friends, family, and their kids of course, to come together for one jolly ole' party, and hell I just took in this ...

A ghost threw a ball at me once

At first i was confused......

and then it hit me...

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Ghost on ghost sex is so hot...

Boo-kake anyone?

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What do japanese ghosts say?


What's a spooky ghost's favourite makeup



*^I'll ^show ^myself ^out...*

What kind of being was Voldemort after getting the Killing Curse rebounded upon him? A ghost? A wandering soul?

No: body, nose

Why did the sad ghost use the elevator?

To lift his spirit.

The ghost of my great-grandfather advises me on what size of clothes to buy.

I'm a medium.

What do ghosts drink at Halloween parties?


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What do you call a ghost's butt?

A Booty.

Why did the the ghost go into the bar?

For the boos and the sprits

I think im getting over my fear of ghosts

Friend: Thats the spirit!


The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

What room do ghosts avoid?

The living room

What is a lewd ghost's favourite type of tea?

Boo - tea

A mother ghost was putting it's child ghost to bed...

Mother: "I love you~"

Child: "I love you boo~"

Mother: "I love you more~"

Child: "I love you the GHOST~!"

A Jewish Atheist sends his son to school.

A Jewish atheist hears that the best school in town happens to be Catholic, so he enrolls his son. Things are going well until one day the boy comes home and says, “I just learned all about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.” The boy’s father is barely able to control his rage. He grabs his so...

Did you hear about the ghost comedian’s show last night?

Apparently all you could hear in the place was “Boo!”

What’s it called when a ghost scares the wrong person?

A boo-boo

What kind of ghost hates millenials?


Why are ghosts so popular at parties?

They always bring the BOOs!

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I asked a female ghost in person if her boobs are natural

"No," she said. "It's supernatural, you perv."

What kind of pants does a ghost wear?

A pair a normal pants

My nephew's answer:Scaredy Pants

Why was the ghost an alcoholic?

Because he likes boo's!

What do you call the ghosts of those who OD'd on meth?

Methylated spirits

What's in a ghosts nose?


(Courtesy of my three year old)

Two ghosts are arguing

And one says, "Don't lie to me, I can see right through you"

What do ghosts, rappers, and programmers have in common?


How does a ghost orgy end?

With a Boo!kake

Where do Russians send their ghosts?

To the Ghooouuulllll-lag

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

What happens when a ghost gets hurt?

They get a Boo! Boo!

We sit around the dinner table with my kids and write jokes. I feel like this has already been told.

My daughter came up with this.

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Sex with ghosts

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do an...

What do ghost cowboys wear?


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My therapist ghosted me.

I found out that he hadn’t died because I ran into him at the grocery store a few weeks later.

What does a ghost take when he has acid reflux?


A ghost walks into a bar

The bartender says "sorry we dont serve spirits"

What sound does a Gen Z ghost make?


Is it ethical to consume a ghost?

I don’t want to eat something if it will come back to haunt me

I hate jokes about ghosts.

They have no substance.

My house was haunted by the ghost of Leonardo Da Vinci last night

I almost had an art attack.

What do you a call it when one ghosts eats another ghost?


Pilot is welcoming the passengers on the plane

Shortly after take off, he announces "This is your Captain speaking, Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is... " Then suddenly he starts screaming his head off,

"Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It's burning,...It's burning.. This is going to hurt... It's burning."


How do you sneak into a school for ghosts?

Just act super natural.

When a good christian girl starts ignoring your calls, it is not ghosting.

It is holy ghosting.

What do you call the ghost of a homeless man?

A hoboo

My girlfriend has been ignoring my attempts to communicate with her. I think she has been ghosting me for several weeks now all because I asked her to send nudes.

So I said screw it, I’m done trying to communicate and threw out my Ouija board.

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What is a ghost's favorite type of porn?


Alternative punchline: Ghouls Gone Wild

Why does Trump hate ghosts?

Because they can go through walls.

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what do you call a ghosts boobies?

Paranormal entitties.

What do you call it when a ghost goes to the bathroom?

A spooky dookie

One day, Putin summons the ghost of Stalin.

"Why is everything here so bad?" he asks. "What should I do to make Russia great again?"

"Execute the government and paint the Kremlin blue," says Stalin.

"Why blue?" asks the perplexed Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

Have you heard about the childless ghost who just wanted to be noticed?

They never became apparent.

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Sex with ghosts

A spiritualist meeting, and the leader asks the crowd, "Who here believes in ghosts?" Most of the hands go up. "Has anyone here seen a ghost?" Fewer hands go up. "Heard a ghost?" "Smelled a ghost?" "Touched a ghost?" Fewer hands go up each time. Finally, he asks "Has anyone here ever had sex...

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