disturbed joke

doctor: say ahh

me: ow-a-a-a-a

doctor: it appears you are down with the sickness

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The son of a bitch

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is t...

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Police respond to a disturbance call at a house...

The cop hears loud music blaring inside and pounds on the door. A ten year old boy answers the door wearing flip flops, boxer shorts, and a sport coat There's chocolate smeared all over his face, and he's holding a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other.
Cop asks, "Are your parents home, youn...

I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad

>!I was tossing all night!<

Why does Disturbed love mezcal?

Because it comes from OA-XA-XA-XA-CA

I’ve noticed a disturbing recent trend of people suggesting that we “eat the rich” and I’d like to remind you all that the rich are people too.

People with lovely soft skin that would make excellent TP substitute, so don’t forget to peel them first!

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Mordor!" and "Gandalf!"


Always Tolkien in their sleep...

A policeman goes home to his wife

A policeman goes home to his wife in the evening after work. Exhausted, he enters the dark bedroom and strips out of his uniform, leaving it on the floor. He looks for the light switch but figures his wife is laying in bed and decides not to disturb her. Just before he's about to get into bed, his w...

Don't disturb someone who's sleeping

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.

"Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almig...

People who say they don't care if they get COVID are clearly disturbed...

Because they're down with the sickness.

An association football player and hockey player walk into a bar...

...and sit next to each other. The two only order one beer each, and at one point an argument occurred. The two, deciding not to disturb the rest of the visitors, took it outside and prepared for a fight.

Before any punches could be thrown the football player fell to the ground and called for...

Drew is a security guard, and he has just been brought on to the team of up-and-coming British Pop Star, Chris "Anthem" Williamson.

Today is Drew's first day working with his new team. He meets with Finley, Chris's Stage Manager, to go over what he needs to know for the next gig.

Towards the end of his orientation, Finley tells Drew, "Lastly, Chris a bit of an eccentric fellow. He does NOT like to be disturbed when he's ...

The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19

He’s down with the sickness

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I found a couple of disturbing pornographic drawings that my children did, so I threw them in the fire.

But I kept the drawings for future reference.

When I was disturbed by a woman breast-feeding in public, she retorted that it was "healthy" and "strengthened the bond between her and her baby".

Ugh... she's one of *those* dog owners.

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

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Strangers were sitting next to each other on airplane, getting ready to take off. While getting situated the woman sneezes, but as she does she also begins to

shudder immediately following the sneeze. The man sitting next to her extends a kind "bless you." She says thanks and they continue waiting until she sneezes again, and again she shudders and moans a little, saying "I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you." This throws the man for a loop, saying "sneezin...

How do you talk to a COVID denier

Without raising your voice so you do not disturb the other patients in the mental health ward.

I recently found out my mom has a disturbing fetish. She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.

The victims contacted me while playing CoD.

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A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm.

A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm. She came across a church settled near the top of a mountain far away from civilization, and decided to ask for them to lend hospitality to her. A nun greeted her at the entrance when she approached the church, and lead her inside. There, she was g...

Just Googled “Gary Oldman” and some pretty disturbing images came up…

Then I realised I’d left the “R” out.

Did you hear that Disturbed likes curvy girls?

They're Down With The Thiccness

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Serial killer in my town has a weird fetish

I had to serve jury duty for this fucker. I just need to get it off my chest, it's a little disturbing...

He carved peoples eyes out. Right out of the sockets, and then fucks the hole. Used the blood as lube. He did it hundreds of times. For some reason he had a specific target that really t...

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Most married couples would rather eat a good meal at a restaurant than have sex

Because it might disturb the people at the other tables

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I had a disturbing dream last night in which I was shagging my best mate up the arse.

I think it's my subconscious telling me he's gay.

A man takes a job at a you factory

He is hired on to work the production line for Tickle me Elmo. He settles into his position, is given a quick set of instructions by his new supervisor and set to work. After finishing the instructions, the supervisor says: "It's super easy. Let me know if you have any questions. I'm check back in ...

I did an IQ test and when i got the results the doctor in an extremly disturbed face said :

I'm sorry sir your results came back as negative

The day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Smith a visit.

"We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr. Smith, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr Smith asked for the bad news first.

"We'...

What is white and disturbs your breakfast?

An avalanche

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So there I was sat in my van

I had kept the house under surveillance for about an hour. Then there was movement at the front door. I hunched down as much as I could in the van so the woman wouldn’t see me. As she walked up the road and turned the corner I slowly, carefully exited the van. I crossed the road, nervously, aware th...

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True story, and a disturbing one. Just want to make people aware of this.

Went to this liquor store after the gym today and the guy behind the counter asked if I wanted a free case of Guinness beer.

I said hell ya.

He said let me touch your dick for a little bit.

Fucking perverts are everywhere. You guys believe that shit.

Worst part was, t...

Funny Joke about Vegetables

I was 19 years old and eating veggies for dinner. For some reason I decided to play with my food and got arrested for disturbing the peas.

What did Darth Vader say when he went to a vegetarian restaurant?

"I find your lack of steak disturbing."

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What's short and would be disturbing at breakfast?

Hitler

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

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Discordian Enlightenment

A serious young man found the conflicts of mid 20th Century America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled.

One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master said to him, "Go to the dilapidated...

I don't know what disturbs me more

about my attraction towards my girlfriends mother. The fact that she's 51 or the fact that she's also my mother.

A man who has been brought up elsewhere, returns to his ancestral village.

He had heard tales that the average IQ of the people of his village was pretty low, and so he wanted to find out for himself.

Near the outskirts of the village, he saw a man atop a branch of a tree imitating a racecar.

"What are you doing?" He asked

"Don't disturb me, I'm in a ...

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At a hotel restaurant this weekend, I noticed an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket.

It hurls by me, and I snatch it from the air and hand it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to ...

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed,he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man,‟Why are you eating grass?”

‟We do not have any money for food,” the poor man replied. ‟We have to eat grass.”

‟Well,then,you cn come with me to my house and I‘ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
...

My friend almost died coming back from a Disturbed concert

He came down with the sickness

A bus full of disturbingly ugly people crashes...

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the w...

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books...

Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day.

Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read. Donna asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?"
The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word." Donna then said, "I want the obituary to read - MIKE IS DE...

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Getting A Physical

The Doctor's office called and said there was a problem with my blood work. The Doctor wanted to see me immediately.

Doctor: We need to draw more blood. We found some disturbing problems with your first sample.

Me: It is okay Doc. I've been injecting myself with blood from a rooster an...

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Man is lying in bed with his wife when suddenly someone yells from outside: "Look, he's fucking your wife!"

He quickly turns around in bed only to see her sleeping by his side, and really deep at it. He chooses to ignore it and goes on to sleep.
Just as he was taking asleep, the same voice yells again: "Look, he's really fucking your wife!"

Again, he turns but she's still sleeping, nothing looks...

Simon was woken by a disturbance

He looked out of his window in to the dark street and saw a group of people arguing, pushing and shoving eachother.

Normally Simon would ignore such things and not get involved, however they were near his pride and joy of a car.

Concerned for his car's safety, Simon threw on a t-shir...

Something disturbing came in the mail today.

It was the mailman.

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An Italian Funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walki...

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[NSFW] Jazz bar announces a competition for the vacancy of a pianist

Blues bar announces a competition for the vacancy of a pianist.

Lots of musicians come, including an old man in a really shabby suit. People start playing, and all of them kinda "meh". Then it's the old man's turn to play. He goes up the stage and announces:

\- Now I'm gonna play my s...

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Three guys getting drunk in a graveyard

So three guy were drinking in a graveyard when a demon came to them and said “how dare you invade my domain and disturb me in this hour!” One of the guys said “we’re so sorry it’s just that bars are getting expensive and it’s quiet in here away from our wives and kids”
The demon felt sorry for th...

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

My grandfather came back from the war with 2 amputated legs and an amputated arm.

He never said exactly where he got them and the whole family was pretty disturbed when he displayed then over the fire place.

Wait a minute

Serious answer, here's the longest joke I know by heart.

Three men die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at his notebook, then back to them and says "we have something interesting here. All three of you died at roughly the same time and in roughly the ...

What do you call a video cable that won’t stop telling you extremely personal disturbing secrets?

HTMI

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my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

Today, something disturbing is announced on the news.

"Flat Earthers claim to have members all around the globe."

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the d...

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Darth Vader walks into a record store.

Clerk: ‘Sorry, your excellency, we don’t have that George Michael album in stock.’

Vader: ‘I find your lack of “Faith” disturbing.’

My friend keeps talking about eating vegetables and I’m beginning to find it kind of disturbing.

I mean, I know they haven’t really got a functioning brain, but they’re still human.

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Mrs. Clarke has been in a coma for 18 months..

A nurse is giving Mrs. Clarke a wash when she notices that the patient moves a little when she washes her genitals.

Again the nurse brushes over her genitals with a cloth and again Mrs. Clarke, disturbs gently.

The nurse calls the patients husband and he immediately goes to the hospi...

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God woke up with a hangover.

He held His temples as one of His angels knocked gently on the door. He grumbled them inward.

"Sorry to disturb You, Sir," the angel said hesitantly. "But I wanted to congratulate you on yesterday's creations. For the most part, they were spectacular!"

"Wha...?" God mumbled. The angel ...

One day a kid asks his dad to buy a drum set for him

His father replies " Sorry mate, can't do that. You'll play it all the time and the sound will drive me crazy"

The kid say "Don't worry dad, I won't disturb you. I'll only play it once you are asleep"

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[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"

She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"

I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."


[EDIT]: My top post ever is about sadism! Damn I love Red...

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At the doctors office

I went to the doctors office due to a strange abdominal pain. My doctor adviced me to stop masturbating. "Is it dangerous?" I asked. "No", said the doctor " but it disturbs my concentration".

A gladiator and an artist walked into a spa...

The gladiator sat down across from the artist. After a few minutes the artist noticed that the gladiator had not moved for several minutes so he thought "heck, I'll just draw him a quick picture of himself with my spare time".So the artist began drawing. For hours and hours the gladiator hadn't move...

A guy wearing full camo sneaks into a bar

He tip-toes his way through the few customers idling about and tries to sneak behind the counter, but an invisible force violently pushes him back.

Realizing he's somehow been detected, he tries to escape from the bar only to be thwarted by another stern shove blocking his exit.

The ba...

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His First Time

“Now listen very carefully,” said the millionaire to the architect designing his new house. “Whatever you do, I don’t want that tree disturbed over there. It brings back fond memories.”

“Why’s that?” asked the architect.

“That’s where I had sex for the first time. And don’t touch that ...

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

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This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed,...

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A Man is in to See His Doctor...

The doctor comes to him and says "Well Tim, I'm afraid to say but you are going to have to stop masturbating."

"Why Doc? Am I going to go blind?"

"No, you are disturbing the other patients in the waiting room...."

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"Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm"?

"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".

Whenever I wash my hands in public, I like to sing "Down with the Sickness".

People get "Disturbed" from this.

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Little Johnny learns politics

One night at the dinner table a little boy asked his father what politics was. The father states, "well son, I make the money in the family, so we will call me the capitalist. Your mother budgets and manages the money, so we will call her the government. Your nanny works for us, so we will call her ...

A 5G cell tower was built in a rural neighborhood

After the cell tower was erected, people living near the tower started reporting worrying symptoms, such as, as dizzy spells, vomiting, and insomnia.

Over the next few months, these symptoms increased in both frequency and intensity--sometimes people would completely lose consciousness and fa...

Two medicine students were sitting on a bench...

Two medicine students were sitting on a bench when they saw an old man walking along the road.

The man seemed to have some sort of disability because he had his legs unusually close together and when we walked he dragged one foot along the road.

The medicine students, taught to come t...

Probably only amusing if you work in construction...

3 construction workers went on a hunting trip - a crane operator, a laborer, and a surveyor. The three spent a good hour walking through the woods, looking for the laborer's tree stand before they realized they were lost. Looking around, they had no way to figure out which way to go to get back to t...

intelligent monkey

A Grandmother buys a bag of peanuts so her Grandson can feed the monkeys at the Zoo. Upon receiving a peanut one monkey inserted the hull rectally, nodded, then extracted and devoured it. The Grandmother informed the Head Zookeeper of the animals' aberrant behavior, saying " That monkey is either p...

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A duck walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and requests 'A pint of beer and a pork pie please'

The barman is aghast. A talking duck! 'Wow, where did you come from?' he asks.

'I work across the road at the building site' replies the duck annoyed. He ruffles his newspaper and begins to read. The barman is in sh...

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

Who are the fastest readers in the world? [Can be disturbing]

The New Yorkers. Some of them go through 110 stories in 10 seconds.

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyon...

Disturbing Pattern of Suicides

When some scientists plotted the number of suicides per year, they discovered a curious pattern. Every four years, there would be a spike in the number.

This baffled them, until the old janitor said: "Perhaps it was not a good idea to call them leap years."

Parker seeks the help of International Rescue for something out of the ordinary...

"You have to help me, Mr. Tracy. It's Lady Penelope. She has gone crazy! "

"Gone crazy, Parker? What do you mean by that?"

"It's her drinking....She cannot restrain herself. Every evening for five months she's been in the bar, drinking heavily, disturbing everybody and being utterly un...

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"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

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Mac and Dave are out hunting in the woods when Dave trips over something.

He looks back and picks up a lamp, buried in the undergrowth. As he gives it a quick rub, a genie pops out.

"WHO DISTURBS MY ENDLESS SLEEP!?" Booms the genie, "MY FURIOUS WRATH YOU NOW SHALL REAP!"

Mac helps Dave to his feet and pulls him away from the angered genie.

"Ta Mac",...

An english schoolteacher was in Switzerland...

An English schoolteacher, was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommed any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparati...

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Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album

The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."

Darth Vader shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."

Has anyone watched “The Platform” on netflix....?

I couldn’t finish it to be honest, it was disturbing on so many levels.

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Dave : "My heart sank a bit as I came home from work and saw the plumber's van parked in our drive."

Friend : "ohhh hmmmm, and did you see anything disturbing?

Dave : "Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak."

Inspirational quotes to live by until I got divorced

# Here's the original 7 quotes to live by:

1. Make peace with your past, so it won't disturb your future.
2. What other people think of you is none of your business.
3. The only person in charge of your happiness is you.
4. Don't compare your life to others. Comparison is the thief o...

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Oatmeal Cream Pie

The most disturbing category in the Grannie Porn collection.

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