Why can't orphans go on field trips?

Parent Signature:_______________

They say stealth planes make your radar signature smaller, so you show up to the radar just like a small bird

"Sir, we think we've spotted a pigeon on the radar screen."

"Well what's unusual about that?"

"Well the pigeon is flying at about mach 2."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: If a man's signature is called a John Hancock, what do you call a woman's?

A: Historically insignificant.

Today I messed up my signature on a cheque.

It isn't a good sign.

No-Toe Joe was the restaurant's best waiter

Something of a local attraction, he wore flip-flops to show off his signature missing digits. Despite those, however, he was a fast worker, efficient, personable, and a generally great guy. Everyone loved to work with him, and everyone loved being served by him.

Well, almost everyone.

...

Unique sport tool

Gangsters come into sport shop and says:Hey Fred we need to beat some guys up! Fred:Hmmm this baseball bat should be good. Its have a signature of Babe Ruth! Hey Fred its real signature of Babe Ruth? Fred:No but if you beat that guys hard they will not ask about this.

What time signature is most German music written in?

Nein four.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back in 1920's...

...Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities)

She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her...

A tribal artisan approache Mr. Narendra Modi, Prime minister of India with a proposal

Artisan : Mr. PM, Can I make a statue of yours in my tribal style?

PM: Ok, Please go ahead.

Artisan: Will I get any remuneration?

PM: I will give you 100,000 Indian Rupees for it.

Artisan was so happy, he worked hard and made a very beautiful statue of PM.

PM was v...

I started dancing so that I could sleep with women...

But my signature move was always a beat off.

What's a wrestling chef's signature move?

A *soup*-plex.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Upon request of a signature, a nurse reaches into her pocket only to find a thermometer...

she exclaims, "Some asshole's got my pen!"

The actor of Hagrid asked me why I want his signature

I said: "I am a giant fan!"

My signature sandwich is called "Hamnesia".

I forget what's in it.

Twenty thousand years into the future...

The astrobiology intern suddenly perks up at his station.
Intern: "Professor, we're receiving a periodic transmission from the direction of the Fr36 planetoids. I've converted the transmission into base 10 numerals and it keeps saying 14-5-22-5-18 7-15-14-14-1 7-9-22-5 25-15-21 21-16"
Professo...

It’s time to stop Alabamian stereotypes.

Me, my dad, my uncle, my mom, my aunt, and my grandfather have started a petition to stop these stereotypes.

We may only have 3 signatures, but we can start a change!

There was a famous Mexican magician.

His name was Gustavo. His signature trick is he would say "Uno, dos," and *poof*! He would disappear without a tres.

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. ...

Why was the blacksmiths son sent to detention?

He was caught forging signatures.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I've got 5,000 signatures.

An aging hotel inspector was performing his final inspection on a luxury hotel before his retirement.

He had arrived at the joint the day before, and had already slept in a room to analyze how clean and comfortable they were. When he had woken up, he went into the bathroom to check its functionality and cleanliness, and continued on to the main dining hall after.

Upon arrival, he saw they we...

One day this old couple were at a carnival...

The man said to his wife:
“Honey, can we go on the helicopter ride?”
The wife says:”no, it says to be quiet so the pilot can focus, but you always shout. Even though, it says it’s $10 and I didn’t bring my money.”
The man keeps asking his wife until the pilot came up to them:
“Hey, I hea...

A teacher was correcting exams from his students.

When he saw the exam of Joe, a student he hated, he gave him 0% without even reading his exam and wrote at the bottom:

"Stupid! Dumbass!"

When Joe received his copy, he was so shocked he went straight to the teacher's office and said:

"Sir, you didn't even read my exam. All I ...

The Art of the Deal

A poor city man is out in the streets attempting to sell something on President's Day. He goes up to a foreigner and says:

"Hey there! Are you looking for a rare portrait of Washington on his birthday? I can hook you up. It's even got the signature of the Secretary of the Treasury on it, so y...

Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July.

The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

"I'm not a fool..."

An illiterate man loses his cheque book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.

Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your cheque book, because anyone can forge your signature.

Man: I am not a fool... I already signed all the cheques, so there is no space to forge my...

A mathematician is paying for his groceries...

A mathmatician is paying for his groceries and the cashier asks for him to write his signature. He draws a single wave on the pad. When he sees the cashiers' confused look he says, "What? it says 'sign here'."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A motorcycle cop stops

a driver for running a red light. The driver
is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!


So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar ...

The Wrestler.

There's an up-and-coming wrestler, and I mean a real wrestler not that glitzy camp showman stuff. Sweat and muscle. And he's good; with the able assistance of his manager, he's rising steadily in the ranks.

In fact he's so good, that he decides he can do it - he asks his manager to set up a t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jake goes to an auction and bids the highest on Dave's painting of a Horse eating grass.

The painting is to be delivered to Jake's house by next day.

Jake receives the painting next day and uncovers it. To his surprise, the so called painting is just a empty white paint board. There was no art on it.

Jake, paying $100,000 for the painting, panics and calls Dave to get some...

[Civil servant joke] President Obama wants to know who's better: the CIA, the US Marine Corps, or the LAPD.

The President orders a single, clearly marked white rabbit to be released into the California redwood forests. Whichever service catches the rabbit wins the contest.

The CIA go first. They deploy surveillance drones, spy satellites and analysts to track down the target. The rabbit is small...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Immortal Bard

*This is not my joke, it is actually a short story written by Isaac Asimov, but it is written like a joke. One that I found quite humorous. Hope it belongs here.*

"Oh, yes," said Dr. Phineas Welch, "I can bring back the spirits of the illustrious dead."

He was a little drunk, or maybe ...

TIL of an odd political problem in Colorado.

Cattle has long been the number one agricultural product of Colorado, but the recent legalization of marijuana is causing significant and unforeseen problems.

Apparently, cows love marijuana as much as people, and cattle ranches and nearby marijuana farms are on the brink of open warfare. Co...

A blonde loses her checkbook...

When she reports this to her bank manager, he scolds her, "you need to be careful. Someone can forge your signature and steal your money!"

She assures him, "nah, I signed all my checks, so there's no space to forge my checks"

The Mexican magician

There was this famous magician in Mexico and his signature act was disappearing into thin air. Everytime he performs this act, he would cover himself under a huge piece of cloth and count, "uno", "dos", and poof, he vanished out of sight without a tres

The anti-drug campaign

Two men join a local anti-drug campaign. They walk up to the person running the campaign.

The man looks towards them and says,
"Ah, I'm guessing you two are here for the campaign."

The two men agree and the manager of the campaign said,

"Alright guys, we were just running a...

Did you hear about the blacksmith that was arrested for creating iron calligraphy?

He was charged with forging signatures.

Did you hear about the Mathematicians Gentleman's Club?

They were famous for their signature dance: the Möbius Strip

A rich sheik's son goes to Germany to study...

...and his old man receives a letter. It says:

"Hello, father. It's great here! The people are nice, university isn't that hard, and life is pretty good. The only thing which makes me feel kind of bad is that all my friends go to school by train while I drive in my golden Ferrari."

Abo...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.