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Hint Jokes

My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."

I got her a weighing scale.

What starts with a P and ends in an S? (hint: men have it and women want it)

Pockets

Protip for women : if a guy you met doesn't seem to leave you despite dropping hints,do the following

1. Talk about your horoscope

2. Talk about your cat

3. Talk about your cat's horoscope if he is still around ..

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, always 6 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Hint: Not a question

my gf was dropping hints and leaving jewelry/ring catalogues around

I got so fed up I bought her a magazine organiser

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My wife hinted she was gonna give me sex coupons for the Holidays this year.

Guess i’m getting nutting for Christmas!

The Jehovah's Witness don't seem to get the hint with my Koran, so...

Islam the door in their face

What is a pirate’s favourite letter? *hint it is not ‘r’ or ‘c’..

A pirate’s favourite letter is “P”

It looks like an Arrrrgh, but it’s missing a leg!

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

Matt’s wife has been dropping hints about her birthday gift for weeks.

Now, on the day before, Matt asks, “So what do you think you’re getting for your birthday?”



His wife responds, “All I know is that it better be in the driveway and it better go from zero to 200 in under six seconds.”



“Oh, it will,” Matt responds, “and it does.”

<...

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Well, Bad Hint Teacher, Bad Hint!

Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up ...

The Hint

Young Lady is calling her boyfriend:

\- Hey, Jack, come to my place. Let's drink some tea...

\- Well, I feel quite alright at home.

\- C'mon, come to my place I've got some tasty jam...

\- Well, you know that I don't like sweets

\- Come to my place - let's f\*ck! <...

How do you subtly hint that you are being abused?

Beats me

So after a great date last night the girl said her place was far away and hinted about her "options" for tonight...

So I was like: " You know, I actually live right around the corner... so I can easily show you which night bus you should take"

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away wit...

It was close to our anniversary and my wife was leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house. So I took the hint and did what any astute husband would do.

I got her a magazine rack.

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A gorilla walks into a bar in Manhattan

The bartender gives the gorilla a craft beer menu (without the fucking QR codes). The gorilla points at a particular summer ale, with hints of lemon. The bartender nods, and tells him what a great choice that is.

A few minutes later, the bartender serves the gorilla this tasty craft brew, an...

guess where I’m taking her. Hint: It starts with “B”

My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her. Hint: It starts with “B” and rhymes with “wallet.

There are hints my grandfather is suffering from declining vision. I heard he was walking along the side of the road and walked right into a fixed object.

It might be a sign.

My Girlfriend has been hinting that she wants a ring for Christmas

I can't wait to see the look on her face when she opens up her new video doorbell!

Just ordered a new cologne and it smells like weed, money and a hint of regret.

It’s called Elon Musk

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A soldier returns home to his wife after a year-long deployment overseas.

He wants to show her how he managed to go a year without having sex with anybody else. "So how did you do it?" she asks.

"I trained my dick to respond to drill commands like so." He undoes his belt and drops his trousers. "Dick, ten-HUT!"

His penis springs straight up, erect and raring...

I keep telling my dad we're out of milk

The idiot just won't stop coming back with more instead of taking the hint

I was an ugly child.

No one ever told me that to my face, but I grew up catholic and never got touched, so I can take a hint.

The trick-or-treaters this year didn’t get the hint about my unlit house not having candy.

It completely wrecked my quiet evening in my lighthouse.

A duck waddles into a hotel’s lobby convenience store…

…and loudly asks the bored clerk, “Hey, where can a guy get some Tic Tacs?”

Incredulous, the store clerk responds to the waterfowl at his feet, “Did you just ask for Tic Tacs?”

“Yeah, Tic Tacs,” says the duck. “Got a date with a smokin’ hot redhead.”

Not knowing for certain how...

My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower.

"Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer.

A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...

She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".

The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."

**EDIT**: Okaaay, this is on the front page? It's a joke my friends 9 year old son told me that...

For our 35th wedding anniversary, my wife hinted that something in Jade or Coral would be lovely.

Admittedly, they were expensive hookers, but after 35 years of marriage, I thought we deserved it.

I hinted to my friend that if he wanted to improve his billiards game, he should get better equipment...

...sadly, he took my cue.

What would you tell someone who is attempting to steal your cheese (hint: not "nacho cheese")?

Leave my provolone!

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I think my wife is dropping subtle hints that she wants pearl earings for her birthday

Because every time I try to cum on her face she turns head to the side.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

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A kindergarten teacher is teaching her students about the five senses.

Today, she's demonstrating to the class the sense of taste. To do so, she unwraps a bunch of candies and has the students guess what flavor they are. The students are doing great at first. They correctly guess the flavor of every candy, until they get to a honey-flavored one. For several minutes, th...

A rookie cop is being trained by his sergeant

Unfortunately it's a pretty slow day. Finally the sergeant says "Okay, here's a hint. Pick a car and just follow him around. Before long he's bound to make a mistake, and you can pull him over for that." So the sergeant selects a car, and starts following it.

Unfortunately, it doesn't wor...

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A man kills a deer...

A man is out hunting and kills a deer. He brings it home to his family and cooks it, but doesn't tell his kids what it is. He said "I'll give you a hint, it's what your mother calls me." The youngest son cries out, "It's a fucking dick, don't eat it!"

In light of the recent debates on whether Splash Mountain should remain the same or be remodeled after "The Princess and the Frog", let me give you some hints on which Disney movie I think it should be based on.

1. It's far from the most popular Disney film, but it definitely isn't without its fans.
2. It is notable for taking place in the Americas and featuring a mostly non-white cast.
3. One of the main characters of the movie is a selfish and lazy teenage prince who likes to party.
4. This princ...

What is the most curious amphibian?

I'll give you a hint: They axolotl questions.

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

David Beckham gets into a cab

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin airport. He notices the driver looks at him insistently in the rearview mirror. After 5 minutes the taxi driver asks

"Ok. At least give me a hint"

David Beckham sighs and says

"I had a brilliant career at Manchester United, married one of t...

I love the new La Croix flavor

Hint of hint of lime

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Two old geezers are hobbling along toward eachother on the sidewalk.

They each have a terrible limp. One old man can barely put weight on his left leg as he staggers slowly and painstakingly on the sidewalk with his cain . The second old man has a right leg as stiff as a board. He drags it laboriously alongside him with each step, his foot scraping the sidewalk....

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A Teacher is giving out candy and the students are trying to guess the flavor.

No one can figure it out so the teacher gives a hint. "It's what your mother sometimes calls your father" The students look around for a minute and timmy in the back yells "SPIT IT OUT IT'S ASSHOLE!"

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A teacher was testing her students' ability to guess what objects were without using their sight...

She had the kids all blindfolded and gave them things such as pine cones, little bars of soap, or small toy animals, and they had to figure out what they were by using their sense of touch or smell. Then she gave them a real treat, Life Savers in all kinds of flavors, and they had to taste them to g...

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?

You can have your cake and eat it too!

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A man is making hamburgers made of deer meat for his family for dinner one night ...

He says to his kids "try to guess whats in the hamburger. Ill give you a hint, its what mommy calls me"

Immediatly his son yells to his sister "stop eating it! Its a fucking dick!"

One of the joys of parenthood is snuggling into your child's bed with them when there's a thunderstorm to make sure they aren't frightened...

Although my daughter has started hinting that she and her husband can manage perfectly well on their own.

A doctor just flirted with me. She also said that i was really sweet.

Well her exact words were "severely diabetic" but I know what she meant. I got the hint.

A man meets up with a friend while walking their dogs in the park.... (LONG)



A man meets up with a friend while walking their dogs in the park. They haven't seen each other in a while so they decide to go to lunch at the new French restaurant in town.

Just before entering the restaurant, the 1st man puts on his very dark sunglasses and asks the maître d' for ...

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is

you do not talk about, name, hint at, refer to, discuss, or mention Thesaurus Club.

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How Long is an Asian man’s name.

Hint: It’s not a question.

Why can’t software developers distinguish between Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 == DEC 25

(hint: octal and decimal are numerical bases 8 and 10 respectively, happy holidays!)

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[NSFW] A teacher is showing her class how to associate colors with flavors.

She gives Sally a green Lifesaver. Sally pops into her mouth and says, "it's lime!"

The teacher says, "very good." And hands Timmy a red Lifesaver.

Timmy tastes it and says, "it's strawberry!"

The teacher says,"correct." Next she gives Billy a brown, honey flavored Lifesaver. <...

A son, who had rejected his father's wish for him to follow in his footsteps as an ornithologist and left home as a young man, returns many years later. After dinner, the two go for a walk.

The son sees a large bird flying overhead. Out of a sincere desire to reconnect, he points it out, and says, "Father, is that a hawk?"

Understanding the gesture, the father does not want to correct his son by informing him that it is actually a vulture. Instead, he offers a hint.

"Ca...

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The parents want to get rid of the family's pet bunny.

A family has a pet rabbit, but their son and daughter fail to do their part when it comes to cleaning its cage etc. and so the parents decide to quietly kill off the bunny and tell the kids that it ran away. So that's what they do, and since it's a well-fed bunny and they don't want to let all that ...

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Animal game

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the tea...

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A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of live savers and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor.

So the teacher gives them a hint and say it's what your parents call each other. A little girl shouts and says “ OMG their assholes.

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I’m going to make all of my passwords “fuck you”

That way, I can set the password hint as “fuck you” and no one would suspect a thing.

What African country is the most eco-friendly?

A Hint: The one who's always Mad At Gas Cars

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A kindergarten teacher was playing a game with her class

The game involved little hard candies, handing one of each flavor to every student. She told her students to eat the red ones first, then guess what it tastes like. They all ate the red one and after a few minutes they guessed it tasted like Strawberries, they were correct. Next the teacher had them...

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Oh deer...

One even, husband came home from a day of hunting and brought home a deer. He suggested to his wife that she should cook the deer meat but don't tell the kids what's for dinner. Wife agrees and cooks the deer meat.

Later that evening the husband, wife and the kids, all gather at the table for...

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My buddy and I own a bar.

My buddy and I own a bar. Last week, we were leaning against the counter, when this gorgeous woman came up to us and said, "Hey handsome boys, can I buy you a beer?"

"No, I don't think so," I replied.

"No? How about something harder. Scotch?"

"Absolutely not," my friend said....

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Broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today.

I had to drop the bomb twice before she got a hint.

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A 8 year old girl walks up to her mother

Girl: "Ma what balls can you not play with?"
Mother: "What do you mean?"
Girl: "I will give you a hint. It is attached to the body but you cannot kick them or punch them."
Mother: Looks around and sweats nervously, "The balls attached to a penis?"
Girl: "No ma eyeballs!"

An Englishman an American and and Irishman rob a bank.

Whilst running from the cops they dash down and alley. The Englishman points to a pile of burlap sacks and says let’s hide in these. The trio jump in.
The cops come screaming around the found to notice one of the bags wiggles.
The police officer picks up the fist sack containing the American...

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The Priest and the Politician

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest ...

A man stumbles out of a bar on St. Patrick’s day, bumps into a policeman, and burps right in his face!

The cop, though startled, calmly directs him to a taxi without issue.

There was a presumption of Guinness hints.

Over 2,000 children go missing every day.

You'd think some of them got the hint the first time round.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Ok.. Hear me out

So the perceived 'Road' in this case is actually the trick by the government to sell more adapters to construction company. This is because the secret lizard people of the UNDERGROUND are controlling the chickens neurons and each brain cell is secretly in on the plot. Y...

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

How do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag?

Hint: take the S out of safe and the F out of way

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A teacher gave her kindergarten class various lifesavers.

The kids started identifying the taste by the colour. So one day, the teacher gave all of the kids honey lifesavers, and told them to guess what flavour they were. She gave them a hint: "It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One girl spit it out and cried "Oh my god! They're asshole...

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