How does Walter White make a stir fry?

With Ricin

What kind of reptile likes to stir up trouble?

The insti-gator

Using a cinnamon stick to stir your eggnog isn't a religious practice.

It's egg-nog-stick.

Why don’t lazy people like cooking a stir-fry?

Because they have to do a lot of wok-ing

Have I told you about the time I met Steven Tyler and he taught me how to cook stir fry?

He told me to "wok this way."

A muslim opens a stir-fry restaurant in Hawaï.

He called it "Aloha-Wok-bar".

What do the inhabitants of Endor use to cook their stir frys?

An Ewok

My friend stirs soup with his left hand.

But I stir soup with a spoon.

Stirring the Sauce

A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl's mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs."Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his ch...

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[NSFW] Go home...

Bill the Giant, who's known to be a cruel brawler with a short temper sits at the bar.

A drunk, skin-and-bone old guy approaches Bill and grins, saying "I fucked your mom and it was so good."

People at the bar quickly move away not to be in the way of Bill's wrath but strangely, Bill s...

A man sits down alone at a restaurant.

As soon as he sits down he sees a very attractive woman sitting across from him in the next booth. “Surely she is waiting for someone.” thought the man. “There is no way someone that attractive could be eating alone.”

Well the meal goes on and no one shows up to sit with the attractive woman....

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The Octopus Joke Retold

So this guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He is named the Amazing Octodad, seriously it's on his T-shirt. He heads to the bar, gets a beer and waits for the music to stop. A cute blonde gives a weird wtf look when a tentacle starts wriggling over to tickle her leg but Octodad just winks and says...

What do you call a hoe that you use to stir a fire.

An ash hoe.

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3 men snuck onto a farm in the middle of the night

to stir up some trouble.

A black guy, a spanish guy and a polish guy.

They throw some rocks and break some windows, they tip a cow or two and just generally run amuck.

The farmer hears all the ruckus and comes running out with his shotgun.

"who goes there!? Get off my far...

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April and Sunday School

I’m not sure if this is original, but my buddy texted me it.
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slep...

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Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you...

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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

The lady frowned. ”Well no...

I was asked to bring a bottle to a friends party but I brought a spoon instead.

It caused quite a stir.

So a sleazy house painter gets a contract to paint a rectory.

Being the swindler cheapskate he is, he stirs water into the paint to save a buck. The painter hastily slaps the paint onto the rectory, and right as he applies the last stroke, the weather, which had been perfectly clear and sunny, instantly went dark, and a torrential rain poured down. The cheap p...

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Three old guys are sitting on a park bench,

the first says 'I remember I used to be able to see all the pretty girls go by here. . . now . . . not so much.' The second old guy says 'Yah, it's the vision, it goes, it goes -- but me, I remember being able to smell their perfume as they passed' The first old guy says back 'Yah, it's the sense of...

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What’s the difference between a chef and a homosexual?

One stirs today’s food and the other stirs yesterday’s.

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Tony and Maria get married...

..and they're spending their honeymoon night at her mother's house. Maria, being a good Italian girl, is a virgin, and has never seen a naked man. The newlyweds go upstairs and start getting undressed.

Tony takes his shirt off, and Maria shrieks and runs downstairs where her mother is making ...

Three men discover they have each been the victim of a shipwreck at some point in their past.

Three men are talking about their brushes with disaster, and by a stunning coincidence they find that all three of them have, at some point in their lives, been shipwrecked and stranded with the other survivors on a deserted island. They begin to detail their experiences.

"The hardest part wa...

With all the attention on preparing unusual foods in the smoker (hikory smoked mustard, maple smoked ice cream, etc.) I thought up a great idea for a smoked breakfast cereal.

We'll call them "Mesquite O's" the cereal with a bite! They'll leave you itching for more!

Do you think we can stir up some buzz about it?

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Cute names to call your girlfriend with

1.sugar

2.honey

3.flour

4.egg

5.1/2 lb butter

6.stir

7.pour into pan

8.preheat to 375°

Coffee drinking trio

3 friends are bragging about their coffee drinking habits.

1st: I take it dark, thick and black. It's so strong, the spoon stands upright in my cup when I stir it.

2nd: big deal, at least you use a cup. I pour it directly from the kettle into my mouth.

3rd: yeah? We'll I don't ...

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NSFW wife in a coma

A man and his wife are driving down a country lane when a deer runs in front of them, causing them to swerve and hit a tree. The husband is unharmed in the incident but the woman unfortunately hits her head and enters a coma.


Months roll by and the woman still remains coma stricken, with ...

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A long joke, thick with details

A man with a tiny dick hiked up a mountain to ask a shaman to help with his affliction. He reached the peak and approached the shaman.

"I want a nine inch dick. What do I have to do?"

"It's simple," said the shaman. "Look down at the jungle. Do you see that tree with the white bark?"<...

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R/jokes

Three Veterans were gathered around a campfire during a vacation after their tours ended. They tried to regale each other with tales of valor. Each attempted to outdo the other.

The Army Ranger talked of his many kills in Afghanistan and how he once picked off a Taliban sniper at 1000 mete...

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A woman sits down at a bar and asks for a drink.

"I hear you have a drink that is guaranteed to be as good as an orgasm in my mouth or my money back, I'll have one of those."

The Barkeep mixes, stirs, shakes and pours and serves the young lady the drink.

The yound lady takes a sip and spits the drink on the floor.

"Ugh, this ...

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[OC] My wife likes things done her way and her way only

When I make her a cup of tea I have to use the same type of tea, the water needs to be exactly 86 degrees Celsius, I have to put exactly 1 and a half grams of sugar in before the teabag goes in, stir it six times to the left and once to the right and then add 4 teaspoons of skimmed milk.

If I...

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The Jew says...

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: “I have a large fortune… I am going to buy Citibank!”

Protestant: “I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!”

Muslim: “I am a fabulously rich prince… I intend to purchase Microso...

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How to cook leftovers

Ingredients:

1 cup unsalted butter, softened
1 cup sugar
Pinch of salt
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
5 eggs
2 cups cake flour

STEP ONE- Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.

STEP TWO- Place the butter and sugar in a mixing bowl after greasing the cake pan and beat them ...

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works.

Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint.

Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.

The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the m...

Two American astronauts are launched to Mars.

Two American astronauts are launched to Mars. When they reach the Martian surface they see a beautiful red-skinned, red-haired woman. Using their language-translation machine, they tell her they are from Earth. They see she is stirring a big pot, and every now and then she pulls a newborn baby from ...

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Three outlaws in the wild west were sitting around a campfire one night

They are all cooking some dinner and reflecting after a long day of robbing and pillaging.

The first outlaw says, "I am the craziest outlaw that has ever roamed the west. I robbed a bank in town today and I killed the guard just for looking at me funny!"

"You think that's crazy..." ...

Two vampire bats move into a new home under a bridge.

On the first evening they are there, they see the sun setting. One of the bats says to the other, "I'm hungry, let's go eat." The other responds, "We should wait for the other bats in the cave to leave and see where they find food." The first bat impatiently decides to go off and find food himself. ...

The man from the bank would repeatedly come into my home when I was baking.

He'd mix my cake batter with a spatula, tell the same old joke, then walk out with a bunch of my stuff. Again and again.

A typical repo stir.

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Wrong Approach..

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says: "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off...

How to deal with an anthill

Next time you have an anthill problem, here is what you do;

Grab yourself a can of black spray paint and cover the entire anthill in it. Then grab a stick or something of the sort and stir the paint in. Once all the ants realize they now live in a black neighborhood, they stop working and sta...

4 monks

Years ago, there were 4 monks going through the trials to reach their inner peace. They all excelled to the point of the last test; the test of purity. Each monk had a brass ring precariously hung off their dong. Then, the head monk chose the most beautiful woman from the village to walk naked in fr...

Why was the teaspoon arrested?

For causing such a stir!!

The Tea Survey

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits.

'I always stir my tea with my left hand,' said The Englishman.

'I always stir my tea with my right hand,' said The Scotsman.

How about you?' the Irishman was asked.

'Oh me?' ...

What animal do you get when shake a pig?

a ham-stir

An Englishman is visiting Ireland for the first time...

His first stop is Cork where he decides he wants to kiss the famous Blarney Stone. Unfortunately for him he hasn't a clue where the stone is, so he walks into a pub to ask for directions.

He walks into the pub and yells, "Alright Paddies, I'm visiting from London and I'm looking for someone t...

While cooking dinner this happened.

I was making stir fry and opened a bag of peas. One pea gets lose and rolls off the counter. It was like slow motion as I watched it hit floor and roll under the stove. I turned to my wife who also witnessed the incident and said: "We have an escape pea." ...got a laugh

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One evening a Navy Seal, a Marine Recon, and a Ranger were camping...

The Seal started boasting, "I'm so tough, I can kill a man 30 different ways with my hand."

The Recon says, "Hell that's nothing. I'm such a badass I can kill a man 50 different ways with my thumb!"

The Ranger says nothing.

Just smiles and nods and stirs the fire with his dick...

Why are hula dancers so pretentious?

Because their hips stir.

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