What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colours anymore?

A reptile dysfunction

When my kid is upset I let her colour my tattoo!

She just needs a shoulder to Crayon

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broke up with the girlfriend because she was always up my ass about being colour blind and a dozen other things

too many grey flags

Two farmers each own a horse which they keep in the same field.

Each horse has a different coloured rubber band on its tail. Whenever the farmers visit, they feel carefully down the tail of each horse to find the rubber band, check the colour, and then take their horse for a ride.

This system works for many years until they arrive at the field one morning...

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

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TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

What do colour-blind people and cyclists have in common?

They can't tell the difference between red and green.

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

After failing maths, Jared's parents decide to move him from the local public school to a nearby Catholic school

Within a few months, he is passing with flying colours. His parents ask him the reason behind his sudden improvement. "Was it the strict nuns, the rigour of class, the example of other students? Jared shook his head. "Well what was it then"? Jared replied "Truth is, when I first arrived and saw tha...

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According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person’s aura changes when they die.

Cyan-aura.

A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.

I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."

Don't think that colour doesn't matter. Brown, yellow and black must be eliminated so that only white remains. It's the only way to reach victory.

Said the snooker teacher.

I'm not Racist, I don't even see colour...

I just see black and white

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.

I dislike the colour purple

more than blue and red combined.

Just went to the doctor and found out I'm colour blind

Genuinely can't believe it, this has come completely out of the green

Last election, I voted for the party with the red colour

I don’t know why, but the blue party was just one of the most unappealing, disgusting political parties I had ever seen, with the weakest leader ever. The policies they presented were going to basically ruin everything I had.



I voted for Justin Trudeau.

Why do Americans spell it as "color", when it is spelt "colour" everywhere else?

Because the Americans don't care about "U".

Once a salesperson asked me, " Do you like dark coloured furniture, Can I show you some? "

I said: oaky

What is SEAL Team 6's favourite colour?

Aquamarine!

When you look at someone through rose coloured glasses

All the red flags just look like... well, flags...

“What’s your favourite colour?”

“Blue”

“Why?”

“It’s a cool colour”

I visited an art gallery.

"Absolutely gorgeous, don't you think?" I asked the fellow next to me. "The way the yellow combines with the grey...the way the colours intertwine. Truly beautiful."



He slowly stepped away from the urinal and left.

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A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.

The doctor examining him, is baffled how his penis has turned orange and poses some probing questions. "What do you do for a living", he asks.

"I am a truck driver"

"Do you work long hours"

"Oh yes, most days are twelve to sixteen hour days usually in heavy traffic"

The...

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This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night.

I ended up dying inside.

Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than

Blue and Yellow combined

Why does Batman only wear dark colours? Easy. Because Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colours?

Easy.

Because Batman doesn't want to get shot.

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Why did America remove the U from colour?

because fuck u thats why

Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour

British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u

What do you call a colour that doesn't exist?

A pigment of your imagination

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If a man knows a womens eye colour after the first date

She has small boobs.

I couldn't find any neutral colours while shopping for paint. I asked the assistant if they had any.

He replied "Not currently, but I have grey taupes for the future"

Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”?

Because Rick Astley is British.

My painting burned up when I dabbed my paintbrush on the canvas while it had the colour sky blue.

It must have been a lighter shade of blue.

My friend announced that he had invented a sport exclusively for animals with large, colourful beaks

I responded, “toucan play that game!”

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After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

If you truly believe that "Colour Doesn't Matter"

try arguing with your wife when choosing wallpaper.

The Kansas police found a large number of dead crows on the 135 outside of Witchita today

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varyin...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

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Most people have Homochromia, where their eyes are the same colour. I've got Heterochromia, and my eyes are different colours. So basically, God made me and said:

"You've got the most gorgeous eyes! No homo"

Why can you see the LGBT colours in the sky after it rains?

Because the sun just came out.

I was diagnosed as colour blind today.

It came completely out the yellow.

What is a police officer's favourite colour?

Copper (my six year old is making up jokes again).

3 women of different hair colours get shipwrecked on a small desert island 1km away from a civilised island.

The first woman, who has brown hair, attempts to swim to the civilised island, but only gets 200 metres before getting tired and swimming back. The next woman, with black hair, sees the first one’s attempt and also tries. She gets 400 metres before tiring and swimming back. The blonde then has a try...

A man was in the supermarket buying snacks for lunchtime when he saw a new babybel cheese with multi-colour wax.

The type of cheese wasn't labelled but he decided to try it anyway and found he really liked it. However, he couldn't decipher what cheese it was so he bought another one the next day.

The next day he yet again enjoyed it but still couldn't figure out what it was. His friend said he liked c...

Just finished watching WW2 in colour..

Cant wait for season 3, says it's coming out in the near future.

What colour is wind?

Blew!

Why don’t Americans spell “color” like “colour?”

It was their way of telling Great Britain that they don’t need u.

Calling a colour-blind person racist is like calling a deaf person....

It's ironic

A French story

French army officer reilised they had ran out of flags in their battalion.

He asks a soldier who he knows is good at art to make a flag with some paint they have in the factory they're held up in

The soldier agrees, and spends the whole night painting

Comes to the officer the ne...

When you are in the kitchen you don't hear anything except your name

George is a house boy who drinks his boss' wine and then adds water for cover up.​ ​His boss became suspicious and decided to buy pasties ( A french wine that change colour if water added)​.

​As usual, George drank the pasties and topped it up with water. ​Unfortunately for him, the pasties c...

I've never understood the Navy's colour being Navy blue.

I though they were the aqua-marines.

I can complete a Rubik's Cube without touching it

Perk of being colour blind

What's Stevie Wonder's favourite colour?

Corduroy

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Hitler could've been better with his paintings.

Too bad he didn't believe in mixing colours.

Why are aircraft always painted white?

The colour seems a bit plane to me

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

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The children began to identify the colours by their colour:

Red -> Raspberry
Yellow -> Lemon
Green -> Lime
Orange -> Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY flavoured candy. None of them could identify the taste.

The teacher said: ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may call your father’

One l...

My grandma changed her hair colour while taking a nap...

She dyed peacefully in her sleep

What do Tv and American schools have in common?

there weren't any colours until the 60s

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What colour bricks?

Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.

My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!

If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?

No...

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Some of my favourite cat jokes

What's a cats favourite colour? **Purr-ple!**

What do you call a cat who drinks lemonade? **A Sour-Puss!**

What is a cats favourite car? **A Cat-illac!**

What is a cat's favourite day of the week? **Caturday!**

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet

Inspector: What is her height?

Husband: I never checked....

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not slim, can be healthy....

Inspector: Colour of her eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.....

Inspector: Colour of hair?

Husband: Not sure, changes with seasons...

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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

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My cock is rainbow coloured

Tell your mum to stop changing her damn lipstick

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A Black man and a White man are arguing about what colour God is

The 2 men were arguing this for quite some time, each say God is their respective skin colour when a priest walks by. The white man asks the priest whether God is black or white. The priest responds with “why don’t you ask God yourself. So the Black man proceeds to yell out “God are you black or are...

I just turned down a girl because of the colour of her skin.

Can't be dealing with her terrible fake tan.

I've bought an underwater craft in a bright green colour.

It's sublime!

As a colour blind bomb technician

You only defuse a bomb once

Did you hear about the man who overdosed on food colouring?

... he died

A university has been accused of not having enough people of colour on their competitive speech recital team.

To tackle the problem they took a bunch of students and covered them in body paint.

They now claim they have achieved their dye varsity quoters.

I just got diagnosed as colour blind!

I didn't expect that - it came straight out of the purple!

Donald Trump is walking along a beach

He stumbles over an old bottle, he picks it up and pulls the cork.
With a flash of light and a puff of smoke a Genie appears before him.

"Thank you Donald for releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you any 1 wish"

Trump immediately blurts out "I want a Dragon like from game of t...

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Black man in a bar

A black man walks into a bar and a white guy stands up to leave, saying he won’t drink with coloured people.

The black man laughs and says “I’m coloured?Normally, I’m Black. When I’m sick, I’m black. When I’m sunburnt I’m black. Normally, you are white. When you’re sick, you’re green. When ...

What colour can you use to start your car?

Khaki

There's a Crayola colour called Benedict Cumberblue

They should make a batch of those.

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

A blonde girl...

...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, os she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown.

Eager to show the wrld her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd.. She walks towards him and says:

‟if i can guess how many sheep you've i...

They said swallowing food colouring is dangerous.

That’s because it might make you dye.

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What do you call having sex on festival of colour?

Holi Fuck.

Did you ever realize that the colours on the LGBT flag are actually all straight

Unless it blows?

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I told my therapist that I was seeing strange colours.

He told me they were just pigments of my imagination.

A teacher asks class to draw and colour a duck holding an umbrella

She notices Jerry colouring his duck blue and asks "where did you see a blue duck?" He replies "where did you see a duck holding an umbrella?"

I found a street that was made of coloured pens.

I guess you could call it a yellow Bic road.

Turquoise is the best colour in the world

It is cyantifically proven

My least favourite colour is brown.

I hate it more than all the other colours combined.

Did you hear about the colour-blind fortune teller?

He could only see the fuchsia

Recently my dreams are noticeably more colourful than usual.

I think it's more than just a pigment of my imagination.

My friend Craig got me those sunglasses for colourblind people; yesterday I saw colour for the first time.

Turns out, Craig is black.

Last night I dreamt in colour

But then I woke up and realised it was a pigment of my imagination

Whenever Autumn comes around, I like to walk around and collect the colourful leaves.

It sounds better than saying I'm a street sweeper.

What does a colour's laugh sound like?

Hue hue hue

If you think colours aren't funny

then you lack a sense of hue-mour

If a woman likes you, you can tell her real hair colour from how it feels. Blondes touch you hard, brunettes touch you fast, redheads touch you...

Gingerly

What did Donald Trump say when he learnt black and white weren’t real colours?

Fake hues

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.

The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze.

Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"

The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wo...

(DISCLAIMER: VERY VERY BAD JOKE) Two mates come for a meet together after high school...

One has a new Mercedes S550L, the other has a beaten up VW Golf. The Golf guy tells his friend that he has something to show off to him.

They drive to a nearby car park.

The Golf driver opens his glovebox and whips out a lamp. He scratches it, a genie pops up.

He tells the gen...

Dipping your beaks into different coloured paints, eh?

Well, toucans play at that game.

Where do you go when you're white and caught speeding, then get separated into different colours only to come out bent and totally different to how you came in?

Prism

England: Colour America: Color

England: Humour

America: Humor

England: Flavour

America: Flavor

England: What the hell are you doing?

America: Getting rid of u

Sherlock Holmes and his assistant Watson are solving a mystery

Sherlock: all the bodies were outside he school gates

Watson: how do you know that? I don’t see them.

Sherlock: Elementary my dear Watson, I can see blood that must have congregated around the bodies forming these shapes *points at the ground*

Watson: well what else do you know?...

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