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According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person’s aura changes changes right before they die.

Cyan-aura.

Last election, I voted for the party with the red colour

I don’t know why, but the blue party was just one of the most unappealing, disgusting political parties I had ever seen, with the weakest leader ever. The policies they presented were going to basically ruin everything I had.



I voted for Justin Trudeau.

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.

I couldn't find any neutral colours while shopping for paint. I asked the assistant if they had any.

He replied "Not currently, but I have grey taupes for the future"

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If a man knows a womens eye colour after the first date

She has small boobs.

Why does Batman only wear dark colours? Easy. Because Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colours?

Easy.

Because Batman doesn't want to get shot.

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TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

Why do Americans spell it as "color", when it is spelt "colour" everywhere else?

Because the Americans don't care about "U".

If you truly believe that "Colour Doesn't Matter"

try arguing with your wife when choosing wallpaper.

A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.

I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."

My painting burned up when I dabbed my paintbrush on the canvas while it had the colour sky blue.

It must have been a lighter shade of blue.

Just went to the doctor and found out I'm colour blind

Genuinely can't believe it, this has come completely out of the green

Purple is my favourite colour.

I like it better than red and blue combined.

My friend announced that he had invented a sport exclusively for animals with large, colourful beaks

I responded, “toucan play that game!”

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Hitler could've been better with his paintings.

Too bad he didn't believe in mixing colours.

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night.

I ended up dying inside.

A blonde girl...

...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, os she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown.

Eager to show the wrld her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd.. She walks towards him and says:

‟if i can guess how many sheep you've i...

What is the name of the colour which is screaming?

YELLow

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Most people have Homochromia, where their eyes are the same colour. I've got Heterochromia, and my eyes are different colours. So basically, God made me and said:

"You've got the most gorgeous eyes! No homo"

Sherlock Holmes and his assistant Watson are solving a mystery

Sherlock: all the bodies were outside he school gates

Watson: how do you know that? I don’t see them.

Sherlock: Elementary my dear Watson, I can see blood that must have congregated around the bodies forming these shapes *points at the ground*

Watson: well what else do you know?...

What colour is wind?

Blew!

I know understand why Americans spell aluminium, aeroplane and colour different to the British...

They were saving up to give the WHO an I.O.U

I never called you stupid. But when I asked you to spell "orange" and you asked whether it's the fruit or the colour, it kinda caught me off guard

I'm just saying you have bad luck when it comes to thinking.

What is a police officer's favourite colour?

Copper (my six year old is making up jokes again).

Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

A man was in the supermarket buying snacks for lunchtime when he saw a new babybel cheese with multi-colour wax.

The type of cheese wasn't labelled but he decided to try it anyway and found he really liked it. However, he couldn't decipher what cheese it was so he bought another one the next day.

The next day he yet again enjoyed it but still couldn't figure out what it was. His friend said he liked c...

So my wife went missing. I went to the police to report her disappearance...

The policeman asked “What is she wearing?”
I replied “I don’t recall”.
The policeman asked “What is her height?”
I replied “Average”.
The policeman asked “Weight?”
I replied “Who knows?”
The policeman asked “Hair colour?”
I replied “Mmm what month ar...

I was recently surprised to hear from the doctor that i was colour blind!

It was so sudden! It came right out of the purple!

James Bond was getting a haircut. Barber: Sir, you’re becoming old, your hair is turning grey. Should I colour them?

James Bond: No time to dye, dye another day

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Three surgeons are dicussing which types of patients they prefer.

First surgeon says, ''I prefer engineers. When you cut them open, all their organs are so well arranged.''

Second surgeon says, ''I prefer painters. They are so colourful from inside.''

The third one pauses and says, ''I prefer lawyers since they are the easiest to operate on. Not only...

Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”?

Because Rick Astley is British.

3 women of different hair colours get shipwrecked on a small desert island 1km away from a civilised island.

The first woman, who has brown hair, attempts to swim to the civilised island, but only gets 200 metres before getting tired and swimming back. The next woman, with black hair, sees the first one’s attempt and also tries. She gets 400 metres before tiring and swimming back. The blonde then has a try...

One time I was an ESOL instructor...

For those who don’t know, ESOL indicates that English is a second or foreign language. In my class, I had a student who barely spoke English, and when I mean barely spoke, I mean he had difficulties with basic colours.

So during my office hours, the student comes to my office for some extra h...

I was diagnosed as colour blind today.

It came completely out the yellow.

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

Just finished watching WW2 in colour..

Cant wait for season 3, says it's coming out in the near future.

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Why did America remove the U from colour?

because fuck u thats why

Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour

British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u

Somebody stole all the books in the White House

Donald was fuming he hadn't finished colouring them in

Why can you see the LGBT colours in the sky after it rains?

Because the sun just came out.

What do you call a colour that doesn't exist?

A pigment of your imagination

Which coloured pencil is the sharpest?

Red, because it can draw blood.

Why don’t Americans spell “color” like “colour?”

It was their way of telling Great Britain that they don’t need u.

A man said "My wife and I know everything about each other! We have the perfect relationship!"

His co-worker then replied "Well, what are the color of her eyes?"

The man, who never paid attention to his wifes eye colour, after work went home to see the colour of this wifes eyes.

Upon entering his bedroom, he saw his wife sitting on the bed, staring at him with her eyes wide ope...

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Mr. Johnson walks into a doctor's office and says to the doctor, "My penis has turned orange."

The doctor asks to see his penis, and sure enough, Mr. Johnson's penis is as orange as a carrot.

"What's wrong with my penis?" asks Mr. Johnson.

"When someone's penis turns a strange colour," says the doctor, "it's usually because of stress. Have you lost your job recently?"

"Y...

I've bought an underwater craft in a bright green colour.

It's sublime!

(DISCLAIMER: VERY VERY BAD JOKE) Two mates come for a meet together after high school...

One has a new Mercedes S550L, the other has a beaten up VW Golf. The Golf guy tells his friend that he has something to show off to him.

They drive to a nearby car park.

The Golf driver opens his glovebox and whips out a lamp. He scratches it, a genie pops up.

He tells the gen...

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The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When sh...

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A man dies and goes to hell...

He arrives in hell to find Satan standing behind a podium, like a game show host, there are 3 doors behind him, marked 1,2 and 3, coloured Red, White and Blue.

The man walks up to Satan, Satan says “ Choose a door, but beware, once in you cannot leave” The man asks “ well what’s behind the do...

When you choke a smurf

What colour does it turn?

Calling a colour-blind person racist is like calling a deaf person....

It's ironic

What's Stevie Wonder's favourite colour?

Corduroy

A group of sailors were out at sea

Suddenly they see another bunch of sailors in the distance. One of the sailors shouts out to the other group.

\-"Hey! You guys! Where are you going?"

\-"We're on our way to America! Where are you going?"

\-"Thats crazy! We're also going to America!"

\-"And where are you c...

I've never understood the Navy's colour being Navy blue.

I though they were the aqua-marines.

When hiking near bears...

...you should always wear a bell around your neck and carry a can of extra strength pepper spray.

To figure out what type of bears are near your trail, you can examine their droppings.

Black bear droppings are a dark colour and may contain plant material.

Grizzly bear droppings...

The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently...

The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu. A pathologist examined the remains of all the dead crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT the Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from ...

I never knew laundry could be so racist...

They're always telling you to separate the whites from the coloured???

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

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A Black man and a White man are arguing about what colour God is

The 2 men were arguing this for quite some time, each say God is their respective skin colour when a priest walks by. The white man asks the priest whether God is black or white. The priest responds with “why don’t you ask God yourself. So the Black man proceeds to yell out “God are you black or are...

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The children began to identify the colours by their colour:

Red -> Raspberry
Yellow -> Lemon
Green -> Lime
Orange -> Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY flavoured candy. None of them could identify the taste.

The teacher said: ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may call your father’

One l...

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A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.

The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze.

Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"

The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wo...

What do you call it when a chameleon don't change colour?

A Reptile Dysfunction.

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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

My grandma changed her hair colour while taking a nap...

She dyed peacefully in her sleep

I just turned down a girl because of the colour of her skin.

Can't be dealing with her terrible fake tan.

Young Jonny us playing golf for the very first time, with his grandfather

After a slow start, they reach a short par 3. Jonny reaches for his driver and hits it all the way to the fringe of the green. He very nonchalantly chips it to 2ft and mops up for par.

The old man is super proud, and after the round he gifts Jonny a magnificent Bronze coloured driver.
...

Emergency!

The largest condom factory in the States burns down. President Trump is awoken at 4 am by the telephone.


"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the ...

They said swallowing food colouring is dangerous.

That’s because it might make you dye.

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My cock is rainbow coloured

Tell your mum to stop changing her damn lipstick

A university has been accused of not having enough people of colour on their competitive speech recital team.

To tackle the problem they took a bunch of students and covered them in body paint.

They now claim they have achieved their dye varsity quoters.

Did you hear about the man who overdosed on food colouring?

... he died

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What do you call having sex on festival of colour?

Holi Fuck.

Today I got my eye exam and I failed the colour blind test.

It came out of the purple.

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What colour bricks?

Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.

My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!

If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?

No...

What colour can you use to start your car?

Khaki

Did you hear about the colour-blind fortune teller?

He could only see the fuchsia

Recently my dreams are noticeably more colourful than usual.

I think it's more than just a pigment of my imagination.

I found a street that was made of coloured pens.

I guess you could call it a yellow Bic road.

Two friends who met at a bar after a long time were discussing about their private life .

They were surprised to find that their girlfriends had a lot in common and even looked exactly the same except they had a different hair colour . Hence they excitedly came to a conclusion that their girlfriends must have been long lost twins .

The bartender who overheard their conversation ...

Did you ever realize that the colours on the LGBT flag are actually all straight

Unless it blows?

Whenever Autumn comes around, I like to walk around and collect the colourful leaves.

It sounds better than saying I'm a street sweeper.

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I told my therapist that I was seeing strange colours.

He told me they were just pigments of my imagination.

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Stereotypes in real life

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered,...

My friend Craig got me those sunglasses for colourblind people; yesterday I saw colour for the first time.

Turns out, Craig is black.

Turquoise is the best colour in the world

It is cyantifically proven

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I fucking hate how everyone is all behind this PC bullshit about different colours nowdays

Macs are normally the same colour and they sell just as well

A teacher asks class to draw and colour a duck holding an umbrella

She notices Jerry colouring his duck blue and asks "where did you see a blue duck?" He replies "where did you see a duck holding an umbrella?"

Dipping your beaks into different coloured paints, eh?

Well, toucans play at that game.

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England: colour

America: color

England: flavour

America: Flavor

England: Labour

America: Labor

England: what the fuck are you doing?

America: getting rid of u

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A teacher gave her kindergarten class various lifesavers.

The kids started identifying the taste by the colour. So one day, the teacher gave all of the kids honey lifesavers, and told them to guess what flavour they were. She gave them a hint: "It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One girl spit it out and cried "Oh my god! They're asshole...

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A guy goes into a bar and sees an attractive woman at the bar.

He sends her a drink and she gives him a smile. He walks over to join her and sure enough, they hit it off. They talk for a while longer and she finally says, "Listen, why don't we go back to my place for a nightcap."

They get to her place and are barely in the door before they are kissing an...

Last night I dreamt in colour

But then I woke up and realised it was a pigment of my imagination

3 blondes are lost in the desert

They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles.

Luckily, a genie just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish."

The first blonde wished she was an excellen...

The Nuns robes

The Nun had tried ever so hard to change the colour of her old robes but to no avail. I guess old habits dye hard.

If a woman likes you, you can tell her real hair colour from how it feels. Blondes touch you hard, brunettes touch you fast, redheads touch you...

Gingerly

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My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

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Two Priests and Two Nuns have dinner with His Holiness, the Pope.

Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to...

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At the end of school term, a teacher gives her students candy of different flavours

And each flavour has it's own unique colour,
Blueberry-dark blue
Strawberry-red
Etc.

And the teacher decides to have a joke, she gets out a new flavour that no-one tried yet, honey flavoured, and no-one in the class knew what it was.

So the teacher gives a hint saying "The fl...

A 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a...

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other

"You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy.  "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."  Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child,...

What did Donald Trump say when he learnt black and white weren’t real colours?

Fake hues

Where do you go when you're white and caught speeding, then get separated into different colours only to come out bent and totally different to how you came in?

Prism

What did the colour-changing lizard say to his significant other?

You're one in chameleon

Being racist is like saying you don't like red skittles

They may be a different colour but they still taste about the same

What colour is a bear's socks?

They don't wear socks. They have bear feet.

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