UPJOKE
bluepigmentpurplelighttonereddencoloryellowredtingetintdyehuemottlegrey

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Why did the US take the "u" out of words like "colour" and "honour"?

Because, fuck you, that's why

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According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura takes a particular colour right before they die.

Cyan Aura.

Whats a wind turbines favourite colour?

Blew!

What's the difference between grey and gray?

One is a color, and the other is a colour.

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My pet chameleon can't change colours. I'm very worried about him. So I fed him a Viagra.

Because he has a reptile disfunction.

What colour can unlock a car?

Khaki

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TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

I got some black and white tattoos done in shapes a few years ago, and anytime my wife gets upset she just lies on me and colours them in...

I guess sometimes, she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

Credit u/HugoZHackenbush2

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Surgeon Talk

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...



The first surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."



The second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is...

When my kid is upset I let her colour my tattoo!

She just needs a shoulder to Crayon

Roses are red, violets are blue.

When it comes to flower colours, the person who made this has no clue.

What is red and green and blue all over?

I have no idea I'm colour blind

The Oklahoma D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on highways recently.

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colou...

Batman wears dark colour clothes at night so that Batman doesn't get shot.

Robin wears light colour clothes at night so that Batman doesn't get shot.

Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour

British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u

What do you call a colour that doesn't exist?

A pigment of your imagination

Orange is my favorite colour

I love it more than red and yellow put together

The right horse

A guy was driving in the countryside when his car broke down, he knew nothing about cars so thought he was in trouble but he heard a voice say "it's the fuelpump" he looked around but there was no-one around except a brown horse and the horse said "it's the fuel pump" the guy was distraught and ran ...

A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.

I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."

Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”?

Because Rick Astley is British.

My colour blind friend is still upset with me.

I thought the Rubik’s cube was a great gift.

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If a guy remembers the colour of your eyes after a first date…

The chances are you have small boobs

The Donald Trump Presidential Library burned down last week.

Sadly, both books were lost, and one of them had just barely been coloured in.

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.

Just went to the doctor and found out I'm colour blind

Genuinely can't believe it, this has come completely out of the green

Why do Americans spell it as "color", when it is spelt "colour" everywhere else?

Because the Americans don't care about "U".

What do colour-blind people and cyclists have in common?

They can't tell the difference between red and green.

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A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke

when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

“You keep out of this!” she y...

Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than

Blue and Yellow combined

When people are sad

I let them colour my tattoos,

Sometimes all they need is a shoulder to crayon.

Don't think that colour doesn't matter. Brown, yellow and black must be eliminated so that only white remains. It's the only way to reach victory.

Said the snooker teacher.

Why can you see the LGBT colours in the sky after it rains?

Because the sun just came out.

I was diagnosed as colour blind today.

It came completely out the yellow.

Last election, I voted for the party with the red colour

I don’t know why, but the blue party was just one of the most unappealing, disgusting political parties I had ever seen, with the weakest leader ever. The policies they presented were going to basically ruin everything I had.



I voted for Justin Trudeau.

Once a salesperson asked me, " Do you like dark coloured furniture, Can I show you some? "

I said: oaky

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night.

I ended up dying inside.

I'm not Racist, I don't even see colour...

I just see black and white

A Woman Goes To Buy (Another) Parrot

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.

"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"

"That's amazing, but I...

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Most people have Homochromia, where their eyes are the same colour. I've got Heterochromia, and my eyes are different colours. So basically, God made me and said:

"You've got the most gorgeous eyes! No homo"

Calling a colour-blind person racist is like calling a deaf person....

It's ironic

Why don’t Americans spell “color” like “colour?”

It was their way of telling Great Britain that they don’t need u.

When you look at someone through rose coloured glasses

All the red flags just look like... well, flags...

If you truly believe that "Colour Doesn't Matter"

try arguing with your wife when choosing wallpaper.

What is SEAL Team 6's favourite colour?

Aquamarine!

What is a police officer's favourite colour?

Copper (my six year old is making up jokes again).

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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious

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What colour bricks?

Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.

My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!

If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?

No...

My painting burned up when I dabbed my paintbrush on the canvas while it had the colour sky blue.

It must have been a lighter shade of blue.

A man was in the supermarket buying snacks for lunchtime when he saw a new babybel cheese with multi-colour wax.

The type of cheese wasn't labelled but he decided to try it anyway and found he really liked it. However, he couldn't decipher what cheese it was so he bought another one the next day.

The next day he yet again enjoyed it but still couldn't figure out what it was. His friend said he liked c...

I've never understood the Navy's colour being Navy blue.

I though they were the aqua-marines.

I never called you stupid. But when I asked you to spell "orange" and you asked whether it's the fruit or the colour, it kinda caught me off guard

I'm just saying you have bad luck when it comes to thinking.

Just finished watching WW2 in colour..

Cant wait for season 3, says it's coming out in the near future.

My grandma changed her hair colour while taking a nap...

She dyed peacefully in her sleep

Two farmers each own a horse which they keep in the same field.

Each horse has a different coloured rubber band on its tail. Whenever the farmers visit, they feel carefully down the tail of each horse to find the rubber band, check the colour, and then take their horse for a ride.

This system works for many years until they arrive at the field one morning...

My friend announced that he had invented a sport exclusively for animals with large, colourful beaks

I responded, “toucan play that game!”

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..

The trainee competition judge arrived at the village fair

He meets his mentor at the entrance.

"Nice to meet, nice to meet, nice to meet you," stammers the mentor. "Forgive my, forgive my, forgive my speech impediment."

"Please, don't worry about it," says the trainee.

They head off to judge the villagers' chilli peppers. They come to...

What's Stevie Wonder's favourite colour?

Corduroy

I couldn't find any neutral colours while shopping for paint. I asked the assistant if they had any.

He replied "Not currently, but I have grey taupes for the future"

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My girlfriend asked me to paint her whilst she slept.

I thought I did an amazing job, but I don't think she was very impressed.

First thing she said when she woke up was "I've got to be at work in 20 minutes you fucking idiot".

Maybe she didn't like the colour.

My friend got a vasectomy

Apparently it just changes the baby's colour

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The children began to identify the colours by their colour:

Red -> Raspberry
Yellow -> Lemon
Green -> Lime
Orange -> Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY flavoured candy. None of them could identify the taste.

The teacher said: ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may call your father’

One l...

I just turned down a girl because of the colour of her skin.

Can't be dealing with her terrible fake tan.

A teacher asks class to draw and colour a duck holding an umbrella

She notices Jerry colouring his duck blue and asks "where did you see a blue duck?" He replies "where did you see a duck holding an umbrella?"

As a colour blind bomb technician

You only defuse a bomb once

I just got diagnosed as colour blind!

I didn't expect that - it came straight out of the purple!

Turquoise is the best colour in the world

It is cyantifically proven

A university has been accused of not having enough people of colour on their competitive speech recital team.

To tackle the problem they took a bunch of students and covered them in body paint.

They now claim they have achieved their dye varsity quoters.

My friend Craig got me those sunglasses for colourblind people; yesterday I saw colour for the first time.

Turns out, Craig is black.

A woman and her neighbour go to the police station to report the woman's missing husband.

"How tall is your husband?" asks the cop.

"About six foot three," replies the woman.

"SIX FOOT THREE!" shouts the neighbour. "Your husband is barely taller than you are!"

"How much does your husband weigh?" asks the cop.

"About 150 pounds."

"ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY P...

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When i was a child, my parents wanted to me to come out in flying colours.

So i told them that i'm gay.

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My cock is rainbow coloured

Tell your mum to stop changing her damn lipstick

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A Black man and a White man are arguing about what colour God is

The 2 men were arguing this for quite some time, each say God is their respective skin colour when a priest walks by. The white man asks the priest whether God is black or white. The priest responds with “why don’t you ask God yourself. So the Black man proceeds to yell out “God are you black or are...

I've bought an underwater craft in a bright green colour.

It's sublime!

Did you hear about the man who overdosed on food colouring?

... he died

Last night I dreamt in colour

But then I woke up and realised it was a pigment of my imagination

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What do you call having sex on festival of colour?

Holi Fuck.

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I told my therapist that I was seeing strange colours.

He told me they were just pigments of my imagination.

Did you ever realize that the colours on the LGBT flag are actually all straight

Unless it blows?

Did you hear about the colour-blind fortune teller?

He could only see the fuchsia

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

My least favourite colour is brown.

I hate it more than all the other colours combined.

What's China's national colour?

Censo-red.

If a woman likes you, you can tell her real hair colour from how it feels. Blondes touch you hard, brunettes touch you fast, redheads touch you...

Gingerly

I found a street that was made of coloured pens.

I guess you could call it a yellow Bic road.

If you could have a Dodge Viper or the girl of your dreams, what colour would it be?

Black and blue of course.
...
The girl, not the car.

(Courtesy of my son, the sicko).

What did the colour-changing lizard say to his significant other?

You're one in chameleon

They said swallowing food colouring is dangerous.

That’s because it might make you dye.

What does a colour's laugh sound like?

Hue hue hue

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A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

If you think colours aren't funny

then you lack a sense of hue-mour

My colour blind friend told me there were only two kinds of people in the world.

I told him to stop seeing things in black and white.

Scientists have discovered a fantastic new shade of the colour green.

Its sublime

Recently my dreams are noticeably more colourful than usual.

I think it's more than just a pigment of my imagination.

Doctor doctor

Doctor doctor there's a colour that I can only see in my head

Don't worry, it's just a pigment of your imagination

What did Donald Trump say when he learnt black and white weren’t real colours?

Fake hues

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