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Colour Jokes

What colour can unlock a car?

Khaki

What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colours anymore?

A reptile dysfunction

I just found out I’m colour blind

News came out of the purple.

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Why did the US take the "u" out of words like "colour" and "honour"?

Because, fuck you, that's why

Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my black and white tattoos.

Sometimes she needs a shoulder to crayon.

Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”?

Because Rick Astley is British.

What do you call a colour that doesn't exist?

A pigment of your imagination

Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour

British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u

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My black friend and I were in the library when he asked where the coloured printer was.

I said, "Shit, man, it's 2018. You can use whatever printer you want."

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According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura takes a particular colour right before they die.

Cyan Aura.

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Why do Americans spell it as 'color' and not 'colour'?

Because fuck u that's why.

did you know cyan is the best colour?

it's cyantifically proven.

I just found out I'm colour blind

The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)

Whats a wind turbines favourite colour?

Blew!

What's the difference between grey and gray?

One is a color, and the other is a colour.

The colour White stubbed it’s toe and shouted:

ffffff

I WILL colour my clothes

Or dye trying!

Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than

Blue and Yellow combined

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What colour bricks?

Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.

My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!

If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?

No...

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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

Someone just coloured in my entire Swiss flag red!

That’s a big red flag, and it certainly isn’t a big plus on my end

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[OC] What colour is a dick after getting a blowjob?

Blew

What's a cheetahs favourite colour?

**Purrr-ple!**

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

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My pet chameleon can't change colours. I'm very worried about him. So I fed him a Viagra.

Because he has a reptile disfunction.

Orange is my favorite colour

I love it more than red and yellow put together

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I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

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The children began to identify the colours by their colour:

Red -> Raspberry
Yellow -> Lemon
Green -> Lime
Orange -> Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY flavoured candy. None of them could identify the taste.

The teacher said: ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may call your father’

One l...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Did you hear about the late barber who specialised in colouring senior citizens' hair?

He dyed an old man.

My colour blind friend is still upset with me.

I thought the Rubik’s cube was a great gift.

With the coronation of King Charles, there was discussion about orthographic modernization--shortening spelling of words like "colour" and "labour" but the UK government responded

Never gonna give "u" up

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night.

I ended up dying inside.

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

Just finished watching WW2 in colour..

Cant wait for season 3, says it's coming out in the near future.

What is SEAL Team 6's favourite colour?

Aquamarine!

Why don’t Americans spell “color” like “colour?”

It was their way of telling Great Britain that they don’t need u.

I'm not Racist, I don't even see colour...

I just see black and white

Calling a colour-blind person racist is like calling a deaf person....

It's ironic

Batman wears dark colour clothes at night so that Batman doesn't get shot.

Robin wears light colour clothes at night so that Batman doesn't get shot.

What is a police officer's favourite colour?

Copper (my six year old is making up jokes again).

3 blondes are lost in the desert

They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles.

Luckily, a genie just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish."

The first blonde wished she was an excellen...

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If a guy remembers the colour of your eyes after a first date…

The chances are you have small boobs

As a colour blind bomb technician

You only defuse a bomb once

If you truly believe that "Colour Doesn't Matter"

try arguing with your wife when choosing wallpaper.

Last election, I voted for the party with the red colour

I don’t know why, but the blue party was just one of the most unappealing, disgusting political parties I had ever seen, with the weakest leader ever. The policies they presented were going to basically ruin everything I had.



I voted for Justin Trudeau.

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My cock is rainbow coloured

Tell your mum to stop changing her damn lipstick

I've never understood the Navy's colour being Navy blue.

I though they were the aqua-marines.

I had a vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant..

..but apparently all it does is change the colour of your baby.

When you look at someone through rose coloured glasses

All the red flags just look like... well, flags...

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Most people have Homochromia, where their eyes are the same colour. I've got Heterochromia, and my eyes are different colours. So basically, God made me and said:

"You've got the most gorgeous eyes! No homo"

My grandma changed her hair colour while taking a nap...

She dyed peacefully in her sleep

What's China's national colour?

Censo-red.

I just got diagnosed as colour blind!

I didn't expect that - it came straight out of the purple!

Americans are the best at solving Rubik’s Cube

They have a long history of sorting and separating colours

Last night I dreamt in colour

But then I woke up and realised it was a pigment of my imagination

Which coloured pencil is the sharpest?

Red, because it can draw blood.

I got some black and white tattoos done in shapes a few years ago, and anytime my wife gets upset she just lies on me and colours them in...

I guess sometimes, she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

Credit u/HugoZHackenbush2

If you think colours aren't funny

then you lack a sense of hue-mour

What does a colour's laugh sound like?

Hue hue hue

My least favourite colour is brown.

I hate it more than all the other colours combined.

What colour is a bear's socks?

They don't wear socks. They have bear feet.

I know understand why Americans spell aluminium, aeroplane and colour different to the British...

They were saving up to give the WHO an I.O.U

You know how there's a theory that no two people see colour the exact same way, does that mean colour is like...

... a pigment of your imagination?

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I told my therapist that I was seeing strange colours.

He told me they were just pigments of my imagination.

Did you hear about the colour-blind fortune teller?

He could only see the fuchsia

They said swallowing food colouring is dangerous.

That’s because it might make you dye.

I've bought an underwater craft in a bright green colour.

It's sublime!

I just turned down a girl because of the colour of her skin.

Can't be dealing with her terrible fake tan.

A teacher asks class to draw and colour a duck holding an umbrella

She notices Jerry colouring his duck blue and asks "where did you see a blue duck?" He replies "where did you see a duck holding an umbrella?"

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What do you call having sex on festival of colour?

Holi Fuck.

what colour were Kurt Cobain's eyes?

blue
one blew this way, one blew that way

A blonde girl...

...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, so she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown.

Eager to show the world her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd. She walks towards him and says:

"if i can guess how many sheep you have...

Recently my dreams are noticeably more colourful than usual.

I think it's more than just a pigment of my imagination.

Dipping your beaks into different coloured paints, eh?

Well, toucans play at that game.

I found a street that was made of coloured pens.

I guess you could call it a yellow Bic road.

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A Black man and a White man are arguing about what colour God is

The 2 men were arguing this for quite some time, each say God is their respective skin colour when a priest walks by. The white man asks the priest whether God is black or white. The priest responds with “why don’t you ask God yourself. So the Black man proceeds to yell out “God are you black or are...

Once a salesperson asked me, " Do you like dark coloured furniture, Can I show you some? "

I said: oaky

My friend announced that he had invented a sport exclusively for animals with large, colourful beaks

I responded, “toucan play that game!”

What did the colour-changing lizard say to his significant other?

You're one in chameleon

My painting burned up when I dabbed my paintbrush on the canvas while it had the colour sky blue.

It must have been a lighter shade of blue.

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