UPJOKE
bluepigmentpurplelighttonereddencoloryellowredtingetintdyehuemottlegrey

What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colours anymore?

A reptile dysfunction

What colour can unlock a car?

Khaki

I got some black and white tattoos done in shapes a few years ago, and anytime my wife gets upset she just lies on me and colours them in...

I guess sometimes, she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

Credit u/HugoZHackenbush2

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According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura changes colour when they die.

Cyan-aura.

When my kid is upset I let her colour my tattoo!

She just needs a shoulder to Crayon

Orange is my favorite colour

I love it more than red and yellow put together

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TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

Batman wears dark colour clothes at night so that Batman doesn't get shot.

Robin wears light colour clothes at night so that Batman doesn't get shot.

My colour blind friend is still upset with me.

I thought the Rubik’s cube was a great gift.

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If a guy remembers the colour of your eyes after a first date…

The chances are you have small boobs

A Woman Goes To Buy (Another) Parrot

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.

"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"

"That's amazing, but I...

The trainee competition judge arrived at the village fair

He meets his mentor at the entrance.

"Nice to meet, nice to meet, nice to meet you," stammers the mentor. "Forgive my, forgive my, forgive my speech impediment."

"Please, don't worry about it," says the trainee.

They head off to judge the villagers' chilli peppers. They come to...

A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.

I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."

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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.

Just went to the doctor and found out I'm colour blind

Genuinely can't believe it, this has come completely out of the green

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Why did America remove the U from colour?

because fuck u thats why

Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour

British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u

What do you call a colour that doesn't exist?

A pigment of your imagination

What do colour-blind people and cyclists have in common?

They can't tell the difference between red and green.

A woman and her neighbour go to the police station to report the woman's missing husband.

"How tall is your husband?" asks the cop.

"About six foot three," replies the woman.

"SIX FOOT THREE!" shouts the neighbour. "Your husband is barely taller than you are!"

"How much does your husband weigh?" asks the cop.

"About 150 pounds."

"ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY P...

Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”?

Because Rick Astley is British.

Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than

Blue and Yellow combined

Don't think that colour doesn't matter. Brown, yellow and black must be eliminated so that only white remains. It's the only way to reach victory.

Said the snooker teacher.

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My girlfriend asked me to paint her whilst she slept.

I thought I did an amazing job, but I don't think she was very impressed.

First thing she said when she woke up was "I've got to be at work in 20 minutes you fucking idiot".

Maybe she didn't like the colour.

Once a salesperson asked me, " Do you like dark coloured furniture, Can I show you some? "

I said: oaky

What is SEAL Team 6's favourite colour?

Aquamarine!

My friend got a vasectomy

Apparently it just changes the baby's colour

I'm not Racist, I don't even see colour...

I just see black and white

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night.

I ended up dying inside.

I was diagnosed as colour blind today.

It came completely out the yellow.

Why can you see the LGBT colours in the sky after it rains?

Because the sun just came out.

When you look at someone through rose coloured glasses

All the red flags just look like... well, flags...

Last election, I voted for the party with the red colour

I don’t know why, but the blue party was just one of the most unappealing, disgusting political parties I had ever seen, with the weakest leader ever. The policies they presented were going to basically ruin everything I had.



I voted for Justin Trudeau.

If you truly believe that "Colour Doesn't Matter"

try arguing with your wife when choosing wallpaper.

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Most people have Homochromia, where their eyes are the same colour. I've got Heterochromia, and my eyes are different colours. So basically, God made me and said:

"You've got the most gorgeous eyes! No homo"

Two farmers each own a horse which they keep in the same field.

Each horse has a different coloured rubber band on its tail. Whenever the farmers visit, they feel carefully down the tail of each horse to find the rubber band, check the colour, and then take their horse for a ride.

This system works for many years until they arrive at the field one morning...

My painting burned up when I dabbed my paintbrush on the canvas while it had the colour sky blue.

It must have been a lighter shade of blue.

What is a police officer's favourite colour?

Copper (my six year old is making up jokes again).

Calling a colour-blind person racist is like calling a deaf person....

It's ironic

I know understand why Americans spell aluminium, aeroplane and colour different to the British...

They were saving up to give the WHO an I.O.U

Why don’t Americans spell “color” like “colour?”

It was their way of telling Great Britain that they don’t need u.

Doctor doctor

Doctor doctor there's a colour that I can only see in my head

Don't worry, it's just a pigment of your imagination

Just finished watching WW2 in colour..

Cant wait for season 3, says it's coming out in the near future.

A man was in the supermarket buying snacks for lunchtime when he saw a new babybel cheese with multi-colour wax.

The type of cheese wasn't labelled but he decided to try it anyway and found he really liked it. However, he couldn't decipher what cheese it was so he bought another one the next day.

The next day he yet again enjoyed it but still couldn't figure out what it was. His friend said he liked c...

Mystery of the dead crows

The NSW Police have found a large number of dead crows on the Sturt Highway just outside Wagga Wagga early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian F...

My friend announced that he had invented a sport exclusively for animals with large, colourful beaks

I responded, “toucan play that game!”

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A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

I've never understood the Navy's colour being Navy blue.

I though they were the aqua-marines.

I couldn't find any neutral colours while shopping for paint. I asked the assistant if they had any.

He replied "Not currently, but I have grey taupes for the future"

What is the colour of the Wind?

Blew.

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What colour bricks?

Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.

My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!

If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?

No...

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The children began to identify the colours by their colour:

Red -> Raspberry
Yellow -> Lemon
Green -> Lime
Orange -> Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY flavoured candy. None of them could identify the taste.

The teacher said: ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may call your father’

One l...

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

My grandma changed her hair colour while taking a nap...

She dyed peacefully in her sleep

What's Stevie Wonder's favourite colour?

Corduroy

What colours are mirrors?

Let's reflect on this.

I just got diagnosed as colour blind!

I didn't expect that - it came straight out of the purple!

A blonde got tired of "dumb blonde jokes" so she dyed her hair

As she was driving down some country road she notices a shepherd with his flock. She stops the car and approaches. "Excuse me sir." she says "If I guess how many sheep are in your flock can I have one?" Shepherd thinks it over and thinks she'll never get the number right, as it was a decent sized fl...

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A Black man and a White man are arguing about what colour God is

The 2 men were arguing this for quite some time, each say God is their respective skin colour when a priest walks by. The white man asks the priest whether God is black or white. The priest responds with “why don’t you ask God yourself. So the Black man proceeds to yell out “God are you black or are...

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My cock is rainbow coloured

Tell your mum to stop changing her damn lipstick

I just turned down a girl because of the colour of her skin.

Can't be dealing with her terrible fake tan.

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

I've bought an underwater craft in a bright green colour.

It's sublime!

A teacher asks class to draw and colour a duck holding an umbrella

She notices Jerry colouring his duck blue and asks "where did you see a blue duck?" He replies "where did you see a duck holding an umbrella?"

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

Turquoise is the best colour in the world

It is cyantifically proven

A university has been accused of not having enough people of colour on their competitive speech recital team.

To tackle the problem they took a bunch of students and covered them in body paint.

They now claim they have achieved their dye varsity quoters.

My friend Craig got me those sunglasses for colourblind people; yesterday I saw colour for the first time.

Turns out, Craig is black.

Which coloured pencil is the sharpest?

Red, because it can draw blood.

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This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

My least favourite colour is brown.

I hate it more than all the other colours combined.

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What do you call having sex on festival of colour?

Holi Fuck.

Did you hear about the man who overdosed on food colouring?

... he died

Last night I dreamt in colour

But then I woke up and realised it was a pigment of my imagination

Did you hear about the colour-blind fortune teller?

He could only see the fuchsia

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A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.

The doctor examining him, is baffled how his penis has turned orange and poses some probing questions. "What do you do for a living", he asks.

"I am a truck driver"

"Do you work long hours"

"Oh yes, most days are twelve to sixteen hour days usually in heavy traffic"

The...

I found a street that was made of coloured pens.

I guess you could call it a yellow Bic road.

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I told my therapist that I was seeing strange colours.

He told me they were just pigments of my imagination.

I visited an art gallery.

"Absolutely gorgeous, don't you think?" I asked the fellow next to me. "The way the yellow combines with the grey...the way the colours intertwine. Truly beautiful."



He slowly stepped away from the urinal and left.

Did you ever realize that the colours on the LGBT flag are actually all straight

Unless it blows?

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

If a woman likes you, you can tell her real hair colour from how it feels. Blondes touch you hard, brunettes touch you fast, redheads touch you...

Gingerly

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England: colour

America: color

England: flavour

America: Flavor

England: Labour

America: Labor

England: what the fuck are you doing?

America: getting rid of u

A woman comes home to her husband, upset and bawling her eyes out...

Her husband, who's having a chat with one of his mates over a coffee, takes his shirt and vest off, gives the woman a box with some colouring stuff in, and she calms down and begins to draw Noddy in wax on her husband's right scapula.

The husband's mate looks bemused and asks the guy what she...

What's China's national colour?

Censo-red.

They said swallowing food colouring is dangerous.

That’s because it might make you dye.

What did the colour-changing lizard say to his significant other?

You're one in chameleon

If you could have a Dodge Viper or the girl of your dreams, what colour would it be?

Black and blue of course.
...
The girl, not the car.

(Courtesy of my son, the sicko).

Recently my dreams are noticeably more colourful than usual.

I think it's more than just a pigment of my imagination.

My colour blind friend told me there were only two kinds of people in the world.

I told him to stop seeing things in black and white.

What does a colour's laugh sound like?

Hue hue hue

If you think colours aren't funny

then you lack a sense of hue-mour

Scientists have discovered a fantastic new shade of the colour green.

Its sublime

What did Donald Trump say when he learnt black and white weren’t real colours?

Fake hues

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