What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colours anymore?

A reptile dysfunction

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TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

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broke up with the girlfriend because she was always up my ass about being colour blind and a dozen other things

too many grey flags

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According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person’s aura changes when they die.

Cyan-aura.

What do colour-blind people and cyclists have in common?

They can't tell the difference between red and green.

What is SEAL Team 6's favourite colour?

Aquamarine!

Once a salesperson asked me, " Do you like dark coloured furniture, Can I show you some? "

I said: oaky

I'm not Racist, I don't even see colour...

I just see black and white

Don't think that colour doesn't matter. Brown, yellow and black must be eliminated so that only white remains. It's the only way to reach victory.

Said the snooker teacher.

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This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.

I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."

I dislike the colour purple

more than blue and red combined.

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.

When you look at someone through rose coloured glasses

All the red flags just look like... well, flags...

“What’s your favourite colour?”

“Blue”

“Why?”

“It’s a cool colour”

Last election, I voted for the party with the red colour

I don’t know why, but the blue party was just one of the most unappealing, disgusting political parties I had ever seen, with the weakest leader ever. The policies they presented were going to basically ruin everything I had.



I voted for Justin Trudeau.

Just went to the doctor and found out I'm colour blind

Genuinely can't believe it, this has come completely out of the green

Why does Batman only wear dark colours? Easy. Because Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colours?

Easy.

Because Batman doesn't want to get shot.

The Kansas police found a large number of dead crows on the 135 outside of Witchita today

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varyin...

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If a man knows a womens eye colour after the first date

She has small boobs.

I couldn't find any neutral colours while shopping for paint. I asked the assistant if they had any.

He replied "Not currently, but I have grey taupes for the future"

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night.

I ended up dying inside.

My painting burned up when I dabbed my paintbrush on the canvas while it had the colour sky blue.

It must have been a lighter shade of blue.

My friend announced that he had invented a sport exclusively for animals with large, colourful beaks

I responded, “toucan play that game!”

A French story

French army officer reilised they had ran out of flags in their battalion.

He asks a soldier who he knows is good at art to make a flag with some paint they have in the factory they're held up in

The soldier agrees, and spends the whole night painting

Comes to the officer the ne...

If you truly believe that "Colour Doesn't Matter"

try arguing with your wife when choosing wallpaper.

When asked what colour do you see on "The dress"

and whether the dress was coloured black and royal blue, or white and gold.

The Swiss replied "Neutral"

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Why did America remove the U from colour?

because fuck u thats why

Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour

British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u

What do you call a colour that doesn't exist?

A pigment of your imagination

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

When you are in the kitchen you don't hear anything except your name

George is a house boy who drinks his boss' wine and then adds water for cover up.​ ​His boss became suspicious and decided to buy pasties ( A french wine that change colour if water added)​.

​As usual, George drank the pasties and topped it up with water. ​Unfortunately for him, the pasties c...

I can complete a Rubik's Cube without touching it

Perk of being colour blind

Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”?

Because Rick Astley is British.

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Most people have Homochromia, where their eyes are the same colour. I've got Heterochromia, and my eyes are different colours. So basically, God made me and said:

"You've got the most gorgeous eyes! No homo"

Why are aircraft always painted white?

The colour seems a bit plane to me

What is a police officer's favourite colour?

Copper (my six year old is making up jokes again).

I was diagnosed as colour blind today.

It came completely out the yellow.

Why can you see the LGBT colours in the sky after it rains?

Because the sun just came out.

Just finished watching WW2 in colour..

Cant wait for season 3, says it's coming out in the near future.

A man was in the supermarket buying snacks for lunchtime when he saw a new babybel cheese with multi-colour wax.

The type of cheese wasn't labelled but he decided to try it anyway and found he really liked it. However, he couldn't decipher what cheese it was so he bought another one the next day.

The next day he yet again enjoyed it but still couldn't figure out what it was. His friend said he liked c...

What colours are mirrors?

Let's reflect on this.

3 women of different hair colours get shipwrecked on a small desert island 1km away from a civilised island.

The first woman, who has brown hair, attempts to swim to the civilised island, but only gets 200 metres before getting tired and swimming back. The next woman, with black hair, sees the first one’s attempt and also tries. She gets 400 metres before tiring and swimming back. The blonde then has a try...

What do Tv and American schools have in common?

there weren't any colours until the 60s

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Some of my favourite cat jokes

What's a cats favourite colour? **Purr-ple!**

What do you call a cat who drinks lemonade? **A Sour-Puss!**

What is a cats favourite car? **A Cat-illac!**

What is a cat's favourite day of the week? **Caturday!**

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Hitler could've been better with his paintings.

Too bad he didn't believe in mixing colours.

What colour is the wind?

Blew.

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

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Black man in a bar

A black man walks into a bar and a white guy stands up to leave, saying he won’t drink with coloured people.

The black man laughs and says “I’m coloured?Normally, I’m Black. When I’m sick, I’m black. When I’m sunburnt I’m black. Normally, you are white. When you’re sick, you’re green. When ...

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet

Inspector: What is her height?

Husband: I never checked....

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not slim, can be healthy....

Inspector: Colour of her eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.....

Inspector: Colour of hair?

Husband: Not sure, changes with seasons...

If you had the choice between World Peace or all of Bill Gates money....

.....what colour Ferrari would you buy?

Donald Trump is walking along a beach

He stumbles over an old bottle, he picks it up and pulls the cork.
With a flash of light and a puff of smoke a Genie appears before him.

"Thank you Donald for releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you any 1 wish"

Trump immediately blurts out "I want a Dragon like from game of t...

Why don’t Americans spell “color” like “colour?”

It was their way of telling Great Britain that they don’t need u.

Calling a colour-blind person racist is like calling a deaf person....

It's ironic

I've never understood the Navy's colour being Navy blue.

I though they were the aqua-marines.

What's Stevie Wonder's favourite colour?

Corduroy

Which coloured pencil is the sharpest?

Red, because it can draw blood.

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The children began to identify the colours by their colour:

Red -> Raspberry
Yellow -> Lemon
Green -> Lime
Orange -> Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY flavoured candy. None of them could identify the taste.

The teacher said: ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may call your father’

One l...

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A Black man and a White man are arguing about what colour God is

The 2 men were arguing this for quite some time, each say God is their respective skin colour when a priest walks by. The white man asks the priest whether God is black or white. The priest responds with “why don’t you ask God yourself. So the Black man proceeds to yell out “God are you black or are...

A blonde girl...

...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, os she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown.

Eager to show the wrld her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd.. She walks towards him and says:

‟if i can guess how many sheep you've i...

My grandma changed her hair colour while taking a nap...

She dyed peacefully in her sleep

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

I just turned down a girl because of the colour of her skin.

Can't be dealing with her terrible fake tan.

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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

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What colour bricks?

Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.

My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!

If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?

No...

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My cock is rainbow coloured

Tell your mum to stop changing her damn lipstick

So my wife went missing. I went to the police to report her disappearance...

The policeman asked “What is she wearing?”
I replied “I don’t recall”.
The policeman asked “What is her height?”
I replied “Average”.
The policeman asked “Weight?”
I replied “Who knows?”
The policeman asked “Hair colour?”
I replied “Mmm what month ar...

I've bought an underwater craft in a bright green colour.

It's sublime!

There's a Crayola colour called Benedict Cumberblue

They should make a batch of those.

Sherlock Holmes and his assistant Watson are solving a mystery

Sherlock: all the bodies were outside he school gates

Watson: how do you know that? I don’t see them.

Sherlock: Elementary my dear Watson, I can see blood that must have congregated around the bodies forming these shapes *points at the ground*

Watson: well what else do you know?...

Did you hear about the man who overdosed on food colouring?

... he died

A university has been accused of not having enough people of colour on their competitive speech recital team.

To tackle the problem they took a bunch of students and covered them in body paint.

They now claim they have achieved their dye varsity quoters.

They said swallowing food colouring is dangerous.

That’s because it might make you dye.

I just got diagnosed as colour blind!

I didn't expect that - it came straight out of the purple!

What colour can you use to start your car?

Khaki

Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

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What do you call having sex on festival of colour?

Holi Fuck.

My least favourite colour is brown.

I hate it more than all the other colours combined.

Did you hear about the colour-blind fortune teller?

He could only see the fuchsia

I found a street that was made of coloured pens.

I guess you could call it a yellow Bic road.

(DISCLAIMER: VERY VERY BAD JOKE) Two mates come for a meet together after high school...

One has a new Mercedes S550L, the other has a beaten up VW Golf. The Golf guy tells his friend that he has something to show off to him.

They drive to a nearby car park.

The Golf driver opens his glovebox and whips out a lamp. He scratches it, a genie pops up.

He tells the gen...

Did you ever realize that the colours on the LGBT flag are actually all straight

Unless it blows?

Recently my dreams are noticeably more colourful than usual.

I think it's more than just a pigment of my imagination.

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I told my therapist that I was seeing strange colours.

He told me they were just pigments of my imagination.

A teacher asks class to draw and colour a duck holding an umbrella

She notices Jerry colouring his duck blue and asks "where did you see a blue duck?" He replies "where did you see a duck holding an umbrella?"

Turquoise is the best colour in the world

It is cyantifically proven

My friend Craig got me those sunglasses for colourblind people; yesterday I saw colour for the first time.

Turns out, Craig is black.

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A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.

The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze.

Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"

The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wo...

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One Upon A Time Up The Dirt Track...

Two rocks are lying side by side on a dusty track. The first rock says to the other, ‘the strangest thing happened to me this morning; a man was walking up the track and he stopped and started looking intently at me, as if he was visually gauging my grain size and colouring.”

“That is strange...

Somebody stole all the books in the White House

Donald was fuming he hadn't finished colouring them in

Last night I dreamt in colour

But then I woke up and realised it was a pigment of my imagination

Whenever Autumn comes around, I like to walk around and collect the colourful leaves.

It sounds better than saying I'm a street sweeper.

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Three surgeons are dicussing which types of patients they prefer.

First surgeon says, ''I prefer engineers. When you cut them open, all their organs are so well arranged.''

Second surgeon says, ''I prefer painters. They are so colourful from inside.''

The third one pauses and says, ''I prefer lawyers since they are the easiest to operate on. Not only...

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England: colour

America: color

England: flavour

America: Flavor

England: Labour

America: Labor

England: what the fuck are you doing?

America: getting rid of u

Dipping your beaks into different coloured paints, eh?

Well, toucans play at that game.

If a woman likes you, you can tell her real hair colour from how it feels. Blondes touch you hard, brunettes touch you fast, redheads touch you...

Gingerly

One time I was an ESOL instructor...

For those who don’t know, ESOL indicates that English is a second or foreign language. In my class, I had a student who barely spoke English, and when I mean barely spoke, I mean he had difficulties with basic colours.

So during my office hours, the student comes to my office for some extra h...

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Mr. Johnson walks into a doctor's office and says to the doctor, "My penis has turned orange."

The doctor asks to see his penis, and sure enough, Mr. Johnson's penis is as orange as a carrot.

"What's wrong with my penis?" asks Mr. Johnson.

"When someone's penis turns a strange colour," says the doctor, "it's usually because of stress. Have you lost your job recently?"

"Y...

What did Donald Trump say when he learnt black and white weren’t real colours?

Fake hues

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A man dies and goes to hell...

He arrives in hell to find Satan standing behind a podium, like a game show host, there are 3 doors behind him, marked 1,2 and 3, coloured Red, White and Blue.

The man walks up to Satan, Satan says “ Choose a door, but beware, once in you cannot leave” The man asks “ well what’s behind the do...

What does a colour's laugh sound like?

Hue hue hue

If you think colours aren't funny

then you lack a sense of hue-mour

Where do you go when you're white and caught speeding, then get separated into different colours only to come out bent and totally different to how you came in?

Prism

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