I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said "yes!"

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

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A kiss makes my day

But anal makes my hole weak

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A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date...

Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two

Can I give you an Australian kiss?

It’s down under.

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My fifth grade teacher taught me how to smoke pot and kiss.

Best hire I’ve ever made as a school principal.

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."

The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife.

"Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince

But apparently only seven before you're banned from that stuck-up aquarium

On finding his bride to be a virgin, a newly wedded groom is overjoyed and says, "I wanna kiss the one who took care of you and protected your virginity for me".

Bride: Kiss my ass.

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What's the difference between a kiss-ass and a brown-noser?

Depth Perception

What sounds do porcupines make when they kiss?

"Ouch!"

Receiving a kiss while sleeping is the most pure form of love there is...

Unless you're in prison

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I asked a nun friend of mine if I could kiss her ...

She said yes.

A few days later, she let me kiss her again.

The next time I saw her, I asked if I could french kiss her.

She hesitated, then said "Well, okay" so we frenched and it was amazing.

After that, I asked if I could french her again, and maybe touch her.

...

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Every day after dessert, Marvin and Ethel meet in their spot at the back of the nursing home and they start to kiss.

Progressively, their kissing gets more and more intense. And since Marvin is a very desirable man among the other elderly ladies, Ethel has to make their sessions interesting so he doesn’t leave her. So, every day Ethel will slide her hand down Marvin’s torso and grab his penis and she will leave he...

Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

My friend fell in love with a girl from his primary school so he gave her a big kiss

Now he can't teach there anymore

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My wife keeps pressing the panic button on her car keys when I kiss her

I really do make her horny

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.

The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked, but after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss.

"I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said.

"Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"

"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."

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Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies, I will on 3 conditions: 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

I tried to give my girlfriend an eskimo kiss

But she wasn't Inuit

Don’t Kiss!

Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."

My girlfriend told me to kiss her where it stinks.....

So I drove her to New Jersey

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2 pilots in an crashing plane

Pilot 1: we're all probably going to die and i haven't experienced my first kiss
Pilot 2: I can call one of the flight attendants in so you can kiss her in the cockpit
Pilot 1: I'd rather kiss her on the mouth

Remember it's okay to kiss a nun.

You just can't get in the habit.

An Aussie kiss is like a French kiss...

But down under

Today, I got to kiss my crush. I leaned in, ready for the big moment, with the suspense building up...

Then my lips hit the mirror

Today a girl kissed me.

I wish I could post it in another subreddit.

A young woman, her mother, and two men travel on a train. The train enters a tunnel. The sound of a kiss is heard, followed quickly by a slap.

The mother thinks: One of the men kissed my daughter, but she defended her honor.

The daughter thinks: One of the men tried to kiss me, but kissed my mother in the darkness instead, and she slapped him on the face!

The boss thinks: This idiot kissed the young lady and she tried to slap...

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She blew me a kiss from across a crowded room.

I caught it and punched myself in the dick with it, to let her know I like it rough.

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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

"Grow up Karen"

Why should you never kiss a canary?

You'll catch chirpies.

It's a canarial disease.

There's no tweetment.

What’s the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?

Same thing. One’s just down under.

I’ll always remember where my wife and I had our first kiss

It was on the mouth

How Do Flowers Kiss?

with tulips.

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A woman was in her physician's office when she suddenly asked him to kiss her

He replies, "I can't, that would be against my code of ethics"
Twenty minutes went by and the woman again pleaded for him to kiss her. Once more he refused, explaining as a doctor he simply could not.
After another 15 minutes passed, the woman begged him again.
"Look, I'm sorry. I just can'...

My boy asked me how to get a kiss on the first date. I told him to plan ahead and get some breath mints.

Tac Tics my son, Tac Tics

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A woman says to her doctor, "Kiss me!"

He says "No, I can't."

She asks again "Doctor, please kiss me!"

Again he says "No, that would be unprofessional."

Now she's practically begging "Kiss me!"

He yells "No! I shouldn't even be having sex with you right now."

A friend of mine didn't understand what Poseidon's kiss was so I had to explain to him

That I didn't either

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A well-endowed man has a 25-inch penis...

But it is too much for the ladies. So you goes to a doctor saying, "Doc, you got to help me. I have a 25-inch penis but it is too big. I need to make it smaller. What can I do?"

The doctor tells him, "Listen, I can't do anything for you, but rumor has it that there is a talking frog in the fo...

It was the best KISS hed ever had.

A group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying t...

A 72 year old man had one hobby - he loved to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
Again, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The ...

John wanted to kiss a princess, so he asked Paul for help.

Paul agreed, as long as they split the profits. Paul then made an itching powder and put it in the breakfast of the princess. When her mouth itched, Paul declared to the King that John had saliva that possessed healing powers. The King paid John to heal the princess, and John French-kissed the princ...

What’s more memorable than a passionate kiss?

A stab wound

I once gave a girl an Australian Kiss.

It's like a French kiss but down under.

credit to Rebel Wilson who I heard it from first.

Why did the diode kiss the capacitor?

He couldn't resistor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"

The doctor says "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we prob...

A little buffalo ask his dad, "How come you kiss uncle Steve the same way you kissed mommy?"

"I'm Bison".

I gave my girlfriend a last kiss goodbye

I think its romantic but it made her funeral really awkward.

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

Every morning for 18 years, when I left the house, I’d kiss my wife goodbye.

Then when I left the wife, I kissed my house goodbye.

I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.

Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.

Kissing The Blarney Stone

Donald Trump arrived in Ireland for a state visit, and complained constantly. The food was terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

Finally they arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. A guide met them "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you...

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Don't kiss me I have a boyfriend!

You shouldn't even be fucking me right now

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What do you it if call your same sex friend is wanting you to kiss them?

Queer Pressure.

Study reveals 20% of men kiss wife goodbye when they leave the house. 80% of men kiss house goodbye when they leave their wife.

Conclusion. Want to keep your house, start kissing your wife.

How do skeletons kiss

Skeletons don't have lips, they just bone.

When my wife and I watch baseball, we play a game we like to call "kissing baseball." Whenever a pitch is thrown, I kiss her on the strikes

And she kisses me on the balls.

Hear about the Death Mage who liked to kiss a victim's jugular before killing them?

He was a neck romancer.

You may think it's funny, to kiss your Honey, when their nose is runny, but

It's snot!

I remember my first kiss.....

it was during recess, by the swings. Her name was Liz, she was in 4th grade. We were talking, I don't know what came over me, I grabbed her face and kissed her. It lasted about 10 seconds, we both awkwardly kissed each other, it took us both by surprise.

That night, it was all I could th...

Every hotel room was taken.

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you t...

You know it's weird you add 'French' to anything and it makes it better: 'French cuisine', 'French toast', 'French kiss'...

The only exception is 'people.'

How do you kiss a girl on valentines day?

You use tulips.

What's an Australian Kiss?

A French kiss down under ;)

*first post here, a coworker of mine told me the joke. Go easy :)*

If you're worried about not getting a New Year's Eve kiss this year, just remember

Valentine's Day is coming up and you're probably going to be alone for that, too.

The only problem with kissing a perfect 10...

...is how cold the mirror feels against your lips.

When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes.

Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.

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Kiss The Mirror

A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal d...

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Goodnight Kiss

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"

Horrified, she rep...