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A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"

The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest...

A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The fr...

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.

kissing a girl on her sofa

She said "let’s take this upstairs".

“Ok” I said “ You grab one end and I’ll grab the other”

Have you heard of an Australian kiss?

.. it’s like a French kiss but down under!!

Why shouldn’t you kiss someone on January 1st?

Because it’s the first date.

Wife: The neighbour kisses his wife every morning before he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?

Husband: I guess I don’t know her that well

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A limbless woman crying on the beach.

A limbless woman is sitting on the beach crying as a man approaches her.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“I’ve never been hugged before...” she responds.

The man hugs her and she stops crying for a second. Then the man walks away and the woman continues crying.

A little whil...

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A kiss on the forehead might make her day

But anal will make her hole weak

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I always like to KISS during sex.

K.I.S.S: Keep It Short and Simple

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

Which is worse: kissing your mother or your sister?

It’s all relative

I'm going to give you a kiss...

If you don't like it, just return it.

good night kiss

I was going to kiss her good night but she crossed her legs and broke my glasses.

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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.

They were ready to leave when the wife came down with a headache. She told her husband to go to the party, no need to miss it because of her headache. So the husband left for the party.

About an hour later his wife's headache went away and she felt better. She put on her costume and went to ...

I tried to give my gf an eskimo kiss

...but she wasn't inuit

As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again."

"No thanks," I replied, "I'm full."

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'" The mother interrupts him.

''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.''
The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''
The mother turns to Johnny and says, ''Tell daddy exactly what you told me...

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

My wife kissed me after eating a booger...

You might think it is funny, but it's snot.

A guy got chatting to a girl in a club. "Can I buy you a drink?" he asked.....

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few ...

Even during COVID, my church insists we line up and kiss the statue of Jesus on the Crucifix.

Have they never heard of cross contamination!?

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A man escaped from prison

where he has been for 15 years... He broke into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's...

Today a girl kissed me

I wish I could post it in another subreddit

Can a priest kiss a nun?

As long as he doesn’t get into the habit

How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?

On the apocalypse.

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

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I would totally kiss a dude for some 2% milk right now

No Homo

What sound do porcupines make when they kiss??

"Ouch!"

I saw a dolphin kissing a raven.

Didn't expect to see that as the highlight of the NFL game.

A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked, but after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss.

"I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said.

"Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"

"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."

Me: Thanks for always being there for me. *leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: Sir, please just pay for your stuff and leave.

They say kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray...

I’ll remember that next time I get lonely.

Why were the paleontologists kissing?

They were carbon dating

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

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3 farmers were talking about how they have sex with their sheep. The first one said “I put it’s back legs down my wellies so it can’t run off”. The second said “I put its back legs down my wellies and it’s front legs over a wall, gives a different position”

The third says “I put its back legs down my wellies, with it facing me and put its front legs over my shoulders”
“Why do you do that” asked the others, “well, I don’t want to miss out on the kissing”

Edit - Wellies = Wellington Boots = Gum Boots = Rubber Boots

Mr. and Mrs. Keaton notice the young man staying next door always kisses his girlfriend every morning before heading to work.

"Why don't you do that?" Mrs.Keaton asks her husband.

"Darling, I don't even know the woman."

A man is walking through the woods and comes across a talking frog ...

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess," the frog tells him.

The man picks the frog up and puts her in his pocket.

"Wait, wait, aren't you going to kiss me?" asks the frog. "I'm a princess!"

The man shrugs. "I'd rather have a talking frog."

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I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause...

Daddy did too. Now they're getting a divorce. Merry Christmas my ass.

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What's the difference between an ass kisser and a brown noser?

Depth perception.

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A very tall man walks into a bar...

and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.


They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm ...

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A young Italian girl was going on her first date

Before the date her Nonna decided to give her some advice.

Nonna said, "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat ... but don't let him do that.

He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea da...

70% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave their house...

100% of men, kiss their house goodbye, when they leave their wife.

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We have a saying here in Alabama, “Playing a game and having it end in a tie is like kissing your sister.”

It’s fucking awesome because you didn’t lose

A Sensitive Guy

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bed...

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A man wanted to kiss his date

Her mouth smelled like shit
He said your mouth smells like shit
She got upset and left.
The man’s friend advised him to not be blunt and ask her indirectly: “did you eat onions today, or have you been to the dentist”

On the following date her mouth smelled like shit and the man asked...

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A man is walking down the beach and comes across a girl with no arm or legs crying:

Man: "What's the matter?"

Woman: "I've never been hugged before."

The man moved by compassion leans down and gives her a hug and begins continuing down the beach. Seconds after he leaves, he hears her sobbing once more and turns around.

Man: "What's wrong now?"

Woman: "I...

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said yes!

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just as...

A general, an officer, an old lady, and an attractive young woman all board a train together.

As they ride along they go in a dark tunnel and can't see anything. Suddenly, they hear a quick smooch followed by a loud smack!

The old lady thinks, "that young girl has some fine morals, smacking a man for trying to steal a kiss."

The young woman thinks, "how odd, the general tried t...

Girl: wow, that was some slobbery kiss!

Guy: not at all. I just have a bad cold.

It was New Years Day, me and my girlfriend kissed and held each other close as the clock reached 12:00 AM...

...and then I woke up.

Ever given anyone an Australian kiss?

It's the same as a French kiss except down unda.

What happens if you kiss a bird?

You get chirpies. But it’s okay because it tweetable!

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

A man is sitting outside enjoying his morning coffee when he notices his neighbor jumps off his horse, walks behind him, lifts up his tail, and kisses him right where the sun don't shine...

Curious, he walks over to his neighbor and asked him,"Excuse me Bob, did you just do what I thought you did."

"What might that be?"his neighbor answers back.

"Well near as I can tell, it looks like you hopped off old Bessie here, walk behind her, lifted up her tail, and kissed her righ...

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I have a cold sore... I knew I shouldn't have kissed that stripper on the lips.

Or on the mouth.

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A man with no arms and no legs sits at the beach pondering his lonely life

3 beautiful women walk by and the first woman taking pity on the man walks up and asks "Have you ever been hugged before?"

"No" says the man. So she hugs him and walks on.

The 2nd woman also taking pity on the man, walks up and asks "Have you ever been kissed before?"

"No" the m...

A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island.

Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection . Now, completely without any happiness, he started to lose his sanity. One morning, as he is lying on the beach,...

Have you ever woken up, kissed the person beside you and thanked the Lord you’re alive?

I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike

but he doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Honda road bike with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in...

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What do you call two Irish guys French kissing?

Gay-lick

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[Long NSFW] Oxford professor

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

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A 16-year old boy is taking his girlfriend out on a date

When he picks her up at her parent's house, her dad invites him in and they chit chat while she's getting ready. The dad asks him about their plans for tonight. "We're going to the bowling alley first and afterwards a movie", the boy answers. "When I was your age, I was the very best at bowling", th...

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The Mistress

>A rich dude and his wife were having dinner at a fancy joint. This absolutely stunning young woman comes over to the table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at him: "Who the hell was that ?
"Oh", replies the husba...

An engineering student found a frog on his way to class

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess" the frog said.

The student smiled, thought for a minute, and put the frog in his bag and kept walking.

After a few minutes, he heard the frog calling out again, so he took it out.

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful p...

It’s ok to kiss a nun

As long as you don’t get into the habit.

=======================================

(Apologies if this is a repost. One of my favorite jokes. I’ve never seen it here, but for all I know it’s reposted regularly.)

Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

Being Kissed While You're Asleep is Purest Forms Of Love,

Not When You Live Alone.

A man was sent to Hell for his sins...

As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman.
"What's the deal???" he said. "I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman!"
Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork a...

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A king summons three of his most loyal subjects to a meeting

The king looks at the first man, who was named Rand.

"Rand, kiss my hand!" he orders.

Rand obeys him and kisses his hand. The king looks at the second subject, who was called Lee.

"Lee, kiss my knee!"

Lee obeys and kisses his king's knee. The king turns in the direction o...

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At a local college dance, a guy from America asks a girl from Sweden to dance....

While they are dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America,

we call this a hug.”

She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden we call it a hug too.”

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call

this a kiss.”

She replies, “Yaah...

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I met a Chinese woman at a bar tonight. I bought her a drink and she sat with me and we got talking. One thing led to another and eventually we kissed. It came to closing time and we decided to go back to my house.

As soon as we got in the door we headed to the bedroom where we both jumped on the bed and undressed. She looked at me seductively and asked ‘so what do you fancy?’

I said ‘how about a 69?’




She replies ‘I’m not fucking cooking at this time!’

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

How do flowers kiss?

With their tulips.

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. See his answers:

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work...

What did Bobby Caldwell say to himself before crossing the street, after seeing his wife kissing a stranger?

Stop, look and listen! Who is she kissing?!

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What’s a kiss after a blowjob?

Cash back

There are 70 ways to please your partner. The first one is kissing.

You still have 69.

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her: “Honey, would you take me upstairs?”

Horrified, she replies: “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”


“No way. It’s just too ri...

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In the groove

A man walks into a restaurant and he's pissed off for some reason. The waiter comes up to him and says "May I take your your order."

The man looked at the waiter and screaming says "I want you to get in there and tell the chef, I want a cheese burger not too greasy and not too dry but right ...

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My Sisters From Another Mister

Its Little Johnny's 18th bday. He gets home and sees his mom baking a cake for him and cooking dinner. She says, "Happy birthday son" and gives him a hug and a kiss.
Dad comes home and says,. "Son go put on your best clothes because tonight you're going to become a man.Yep I'm taking you out t...

Why didn't the chicken get a kiss goodnight?

Because she had fowl breath.

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A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date...

Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

I wanted to kiss my wife, but with this whole Corona thing,

instead I just elbowed her in the face.

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

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Two virgins get married

Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.



Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.

The newlyweds do that ...

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Sam's girlfriend asked if he had ever slept with a prostitute

Sam says "Darling, i've never told you this, but you were my first and only. I have never been with any woman other than you."

Sam's girlfriend gives him a huge hug and kiss in relief. As they hug Sam says "So to answer your question, yes."

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

I'm bothered that I keep getting distracted about the idea of smooching one of my enemies.

I need to learn how to foe kiss.

“You’ve been married thirty years. What your secret?”

“Togetherness. I take my wife with me everywhere I go.”

“You love her that much, eh?”

“Heck no. She’s so ugly I don’t want to kiss her goodbye.”

Fred was walking the long way home back to his house.(Long)

He had a long day at work and was feeling very sad that none of his co-workers had wished him well on this special day for him.

Fred walked past his neighbors who all waved to him but gave no special congratulations.

Fred began to feel worse and worse for himself as he finally made i...

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[NSFW] Lisa, one of the regulars at church enters the confession booth to confess her sins.

Lisa:"Forgive me father, for I have sinned"

Priest: "Don't worry my child. Tell me what happend."

Lisa: "Two days ago I met a guy"

Priest: "And?"

Lisa: "He was very sweet and such a gentleman..*

Priest: "So?"

Lisa: "Well we kissed and he started to touch me...

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Last time I took a girl out and tried to kiss her she threw her cocktail in my face.

I wouldn't have been so sour about the evening if the drinks hadn't been on me.

There was an old woman listening to the radio when she heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She decided to call the radio station to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”

So the woman asked, “Is that a record?”

To which the man replied, “No, its average!”

A young programmer and his Project Manager board a train, headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats, right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it's obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they're giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it's pitch black. There's a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from t...

If sharing a drink using a same straw is considered an indirect kiss

Then jacking off using your hand right after shaking a girl's hand is an indirect handjob

You burn 26 calories a minute kissing.

That's probably why I'm overweight.

A zoo purchased a female gorilla as their new start attraction.

However, she soon became very aggressive and very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined that the problem was she was in heat. With no male gorilla at the zoo, how could she be calmed down?

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Davi...

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The woman by the lake...

So, this morning. I went for a walk at the park. Not a run, just a nice leisurely stroll along the lake. As I was walking on the path, I saw a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a bench and she was crying.

I was trying to be nice and felt bad for her, so figured I’d see if she wanted t...

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The dying man

I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a desk.

Then I saw her through the window. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall because I was on the third floor.

She rolled her deep blue eyes at me. I picked them up and rolled them back.

We ki...

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At the beach (nsfw)

A man sees to a woman on the beach with no arms/legs. He starts a conversation and eventually asks if she has ever been kissed. When she says no he leans over and gently kisses her. After a while he asks her if she has ever had her breasts fondled. She replies no so he fondles her breasts tenderly. ...

Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?

A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.

My girlfriend told me to kiss her where it smells funny...

So I took her to New Jersey.

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*Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating, she said ‘how does the male know when the female is ready for sex ?* *I replied he can smell she is ready that is how nature works.*

*We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe, again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the ewe was ready for sex ?*
*I replied 'it’s nature he can smell she is ready'.*
*We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating the cow; my girlfriend said this is odd th...

I hate when baby’s kiss eachother

...It’s like, get a womb for god sake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Burned my lips kissing my vehicle on a hot summer day.

Kar-muah is a bitch.

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I started carrying mistletoe in my pocket...

....so everyone can kiss my ass.

A man is in the final stages of getting ready for his wedding...

Everything is going well except for one small matter of his bride to be's extremely hot younger sister. One afternoon, a week before the big day, he finds himself alone with her in the house. She slides up to him and suggests to go upstairs - before he finally settles down to a life of wedded bliss....

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What's the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?

One goes *ba dum tiss*, the other is da bum kiss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is walking down the street when he hears a voice.

"Excuse me sir."

The old man looks around but doesn't see anybody. Perplexed, he continues on his way.

"Sir, down here."

The man stops and looks down, only to see a frog sitting at his feet. He looks around again to make sure nobody is watching before addressing the frog, "did ...

Fun fact, I actually got a BJ before I had my first kiss.

Yes, I'm that flexible.

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