A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my w...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend...

...when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries....

Why does Cotton Hill from "King of the Hill" like to throw rocks?

Because Jesus said, "Let he who is without shins cast the first stone."

Boll weevils are detrimental to cotton crops. If you had to have boll weevils on your farm, which do you want, a big weevil or a little weevil?

The little weevil, because you always want the *lesser of two weevils.*

​

My botany professor just told us this.

"That's a really nice dress you're wearing, what fabric is that?" "It's cotton."

"Wow, and here I am thinking it must be felt."

I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple

Sorry, wrong thread

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Slave owners used to get black people to pick cotton...

now they get them to pick Democrats.

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor ...

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door, "Is Fred home?"
"Sorry, Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the bill collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir. I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned the thir...

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Guy and Wife beach

Guy and his wife are on the beach. The guy kicks the sand and out pops a magic lamp. The wife grabs it and rubs it. A genie pops out and says to the women she gets 3 wishes.

So she looks at her husband and thinks of wishes for him.

"I wish I had a billion dollars"

The genie snap...

Whys was the internet so obsessed with the song "Cotton-Eyed Joe" for a short period of time?

I mean, where did it come from where did it go?

My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton...

...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, "I see you've made your point."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is there cotton in pill bottles?

To remind black people that they were cotton pickers before drug dealers.

A lady asks her pharmacist, "do you have cotton balls?" "Yes..."

She interrupted, before he could continue. "Oh, I bet it's really quiet when you f*ck!!"

"Why is that cotton candy talking?"

"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj"

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A husband and wife find a bottle on the beach...

...the wife picks it up and a genie pops out.

"Madam, I will grant you three wishes," speaks the genie.

The wife is jumping with joy."Okay, I wish we were billionaires...and I wish we lived in the biggest mansion in Beverly Hills."

Poof.

They are transported to a beautifu...

Do you wanna know how dark my humor is?

It picks cotton

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A black man walked into my store today and bought polyester pants.

Which is weird, since they usually pick cotton.

Do you have cotton balls?

"Yes"

"Do they tickle when you walk?"

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As told to me by an indian bus driver overseas...

Why don't rabbits make noise when they fuck?

Because they have cotton balls.


Apologies if it's a repost.

"Git yer cotton pickin hands off a my gin."

-Eli Whitney

My friend

So, I had this friend called Joe. So we both lived in this little apartment whilst in uni. I also had a girlfriend at the time as well. Joe was an...interesting guy. Funny, helpful, respectful. But he never told me where he was born or grew up. Anyway, one day im out with my girlfriend at a restaura...

A Priest dies and is waiting in line at heaven's gate.

God to the guy: Who are you? Guy: I am a Thrissur to Kozhikode Bus driver. God: Oh! Take this golden robe and enter the kingdom of heaven.

God to the Priest:Who are you? Priest: I am a Priest. I've spent 35 years preaching good to people. God:Oh!Take this cotton robe and enter the kingdom of ...

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Why is there cotton on top of the pills inside a pill bottle?

To remind black people they picked cotton before they sold drugs.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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Cigarette's and Tampons

I called my wife while she was shopping and asked her to bring me some cigarettes. She comes home with a can of Tobacco and rolling papers and said here, roll your own they are cheaper this way. Well I went to the store and she calls and asked if I would bring her some tampons. I brought her a bag o...

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The wizard and the monkey and the alligator.

A wizard is walking through the forest when he stumbles on to a monkey in a tree. The wizard asks what the monkey is doing and the monkey replies nothing just chilling smoking this joint. The monkey then asks if the wizard would like to join. The wizard does. After smoking the joint the wizard gets...

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The story of my rugby career

I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see s...

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One day while at the farmers market a man came upon a cart with a sign that read “Magic Apples”

He asked the farmer what could possibly be magic about apples. The farmer handed him a fruit and said try it. After taking a bite the man said to the farmer, “It’s a fine apple, but still just an apple.” To which the farmer replied “Turn it over”. The man turned the apple over, took another bite, an...

An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.

He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven. In no time at all there's only one person in tront of him.

St Peter tells the man "ah yes, state your name and occupation"
The man replies " Will Snikket, taxi driver in New York City"
St Peter looks at his lis...

I am so Pro-Black...

That I don't even pick cotton from an Aspirin bottle...

A pastor and and an airline pilot meet St Nick at the Gates to Heaven. The airline pilot is first to approach the saint

Peter: Name and profession please

Pilot: John Williams, Ryanair pilot.

Peter: *riffles through a massive book* John Williams...John Williams... umm... ah yes!

Peter: clicks his fingers and a beautiful silk robe and ornate golden staff appear out of thin air.

Peter: please...

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.

One went all the way out to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

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A monkey is smoking weed in a tree

and an iguana comes by and sees the monkey and decides to smoke with the monkey.

A while later the iguana suffering from cotton mouth decides to go to the river to drink some water. At the river the iguana runs into an alligator. The alligator sees the Iguana and says “Hey man, whats wrong w...

I Told My Black Friend He Has a Nice Shirt

He replies saying it is made out of quality cotton.

I asked if his parents picked it out for him.

A priest and a taxi driver go to heaven

While they're at the pearly gates God talks to them about their time in Earth. When he's done talking to the cab driver, he hands him a gold staff and a beautiful silk robe as he walks in

Once he's finished with the priest however, he hands him a wooden staff and a cotton robe. The priest say...

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Did you hear? They opened a pizza place in the Vatican!

It’s called Cheesus Crust.

They only use Swiss cheese Because it’s so holy.

Their most famous topping is pope-peroni.

They’re really famous for their dough.
It takes three days to rise.

They only serve seeded olives.
Because they’re afraid of the pit.

Their...

Giving blood

While eating at a hospital cafeteria a guy noticed a women with a cotton ball and bandage on her arm causing him to asked, did you just give blood? Why yes she said, and I got twenty five dollars for it too. You should try it. No thanks he said, I just came from the sperm bank and got three hundred ...

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Why don't rabbits make noises when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls!

Why didn't Donald Trump address the Veterans in the rain?

Have you ever seen what happens to cotton candy when it gets wet?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Koala and the Lizard (long)

One day, a tiny lizard was minding his own business while wandering through the forest. As he approaches the tallest tree in the forest a voice yells down, “Heyyy mannnn!!”. Confused, the lizard cranes his neck up and down, side to side until he spots a Koala sitting at the edge of a branch.

...

An old, wealthy man who had three sons was about to die.

An old, wealthy man who had three sons was about to die. He only wanted the cleverest of his three sons to inherit his money. So he came up with a test: he called all his sons into his room and told them: "Use 100 bucks to buy whatever you want. Whoever fills the room to the fullest shall inherit my...

A man and his wife die in a car accident.

The man is greeted by Death. "Choose your game", says Death, "win and you will get a second chance at life, lose and you will die".

As an avid poker player, its an easy choice for the man. 

As they begin, the man loses the first few hands.

As the next hand is drawn, the man i...

One day a lizard is walking through the jungle when he hears laughing up in a tree...

...He looks up, and in the tree above him he sees a monkey smoking a joint and laughing to himself.

He yells up, "Hey, you got any more of that?"

The monkey says, "Sure man, come on up!"

So the lizard climbs up the tree to the monkey and they start smoking. After three joints, ...

What's a Teddy Bear's most prized possession?

Cotton balls.

You can’t be woke all the time.

Even Fredrick Douglas wore cotton.

Paddy and Mick got laid off...

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
 
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."
 
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and f...

Now that the tide pod fad is dying down

lets move onto the cotton candy in the attic.

Two of my British friends accidentally used the same Q-Tips

Now they're cotton buds.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

St. Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-d...

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How can you tell when a black woman is pregnant?

When she pulls out her tampon all the cotton is picked off.

The nervous cashier

It was Tim's first day working at the pharmacy when a young lady walked in and asked him for some pain killers and a pack of tampons, Tim was extremely embarrassed and ran in the back asking Tom the Pharmacist to serve the young lady. After the encounter Tom told Tim he shouldn't be embarrassed, it...

I was browsing r/Jokes last night and my girlfriend told me that she doesn't know why I bother trying to make people laugh on the internet for useless virtual points and that the only joke I have is in my underwear. So here goes:

"Marks and Spencer, Medium 33-35 inch waist, 90% cotton, 10% elastene, Made in China, Part of a 2 part set"

A black work colleague of mine accused me of making subtle racist comments to him.

I had to defend myself and said “woah, now hold on a cotton picking minute”

The candle

It's two months away from the presidential election. Current president also running the presidency again, but he's already losing. One devoted supporter goes to a subway and asks the people to gather around him.

"I'm gonna tell you all a story" shouts the supporter. He continues, "Once upon a...

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Lizard is walking through the forest...

and he comes up to a large tree along the path. He looks up in the tree and sees Koala sitting on a branch smoking a joint.

"Heyoo Koala, do you mind if I climb up and try some?" Lizard asks.

"Not at all Lizard, my dude, come on up!" Koala wheezed while exhaling a ripe puff.

Liz...

The Governor's Allegory.

Intending to make a strong statement about his administration, the Governor drew on an allegory during his speech.

"A father wanted to teach a lesson to his three sons. He called them to the barn and gave them each a 100$ bill and asked them to buy something with it that could fill the whole ...

Cabbie and the priest

A Priest dies and is waiting in line at Heaven's Door.

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God to the guy : Who are you?

Guy : I am a cab driver in Rome

God : Take this Gold robe and enter kingdom of H...

I used to have a co-worker named Joe.

He seemed to have come out of no where. When he first got the job, We asked him where he was from, but he would always just shrug off the question. Nevertheless, Joe and I got along really well.

One day, he approached me and asked if he could move in with me and my girlfriend. He told us abou...

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Saw a black man run down the street with a flatscreen under his arm

At first i thought it was mine,
but then i remembered that mine was chained in my backyard picking cotton

A guy takes a girl to the state fair for their first date.

The guy asks her what she wants to do, she says, "I want to get weighed." So they visit the weighing booth, where the worker attempts to guess her weight. He guesses wrong the first time, and she gets a teddy bear.

They get some funnel cake and play whack-a-mole, until the guy asks again, "I'...

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John woke up after the annual office party...

...with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I t...

What does a vampire call a used tampon?

Cotton candy

A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patc...