UPJOKE
hemplassothreadbungeecablewirenylonleashtwinelineknotclotheslinetightropecordbola

A rope walks into a bar

A rope walks into a bar.

The bartender says “we don’t serve your kind here” and the rope walks out, ties himself up and messes with his hair

He walks back in and the bartender says “Hey didn’t we just serve you” he says the the rope

“I’m a frayed knot.”

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman...

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently learned how to swallow a rope and have it come out the other end tied up in a bow.

I shit you knot.

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

What do you call a tangled rope on International Space Station?

Astroknot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People don’t believe me that I’m always eating rope which looks like the 21st letter of the alphabet

I shit U knot

Quasimodo is about to ring the bell for 3pm when the rope snaps.

He knows he has to ring it but doesn't know how. Then he has an idea. He takes a big run up and uses his face to ring it. Bloodied and cut he does it again. Battered and bruised he does it one more time, but the bell swings back and knocks him off the tower down to the floor below.


Lyin...

If I needed to climb something and I had to choose between a rope with knots in it or some parallel boards with spaced rungs...

I'd choose the latter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

10 speed

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher tells her student to tell a story with a moral in it.

Little Johnny says, "All right. I got one. There's a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand. He says 'Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!' The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen."

"Oh my," the teacher gasps ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke I heard in middle school [1990] and is still funny

A man gets sick of the rat race and decides to retire to farming. Goes to farmer's market to buy livestock. Goes to buy a hen. Seller says, 'Here ya go but here in the country, we call that a poullette (pullit). Man says, 'Okay.'

Man Goes to buy a rooster. Seller says, 'Here in the country...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is long, but I think it's worth it.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The moral of the story...

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out.


The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ti...

Sailor 1: Have you seen what happened to the rope?

Sailor 2: Afraid not

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was unsatisfied with his small penis

He expressed his problem to a friend. His friend suggested that he should go and visit a wizard who was living on a cliff just outside the town. So the man, in hopes, went to visit that wizard. He reached the base of that cliff and started searching for ways to climb his way up. Luckily he found a r...

Three Kingdoms.

So, there's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake.



The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people.

The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair ...

A journalist is sentenced to die at the gallows, but they run out of rope

He says: "I guess no noose is good news"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

Archaeologists have revealed how King Tut died

Records indicate he was found naked, with a rope around his neck.



They determined the cause of death was Auto Erotic A-sphinx-iation.

Guy meets a Pirate in a bar.

He is missing an arm, a leg, and an eye. I mean stereotypical pirate.

Guy asks, "I got to know, how did you lose the leg?"

Pirate says, "arg, I was hunting a big-ol whale and a rope snatched 'round me leg and tore it clean off."

Guy says, "Wow, so- so how did you lose the arm."...

A rope walks into a bar and orders a beer

The bartender says “we don’t serve ropes at this bar, you gotta leave.”

The rope goes into the parking lot and messes his hair up and ties himself into a box knot.

He goes back inside and orders another beer.

The bartender says, “aren’t you the rope that was just in here?”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bricklayer has an accident at work and is being investigated, as the insurance company doesn't believe his injuries are real. They demand that he send them a description of the accident.

So he writes:

"I'm a bricklayer by trade. I had finished building the guard rail on the roof of the building. I use a barrel and pulley system to raise supplies up to the roof, and loaded the barrel up with the leftover bricks and my tools, weighing approximately 300 lbs, and then went below ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little girl’s fire engine!

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The f...

“Why the sudden terrified expression?”

“I just realized I left my girlfriend hanging last night, she’s gonna kill me.”

“She’s that irate over a text message?”

“No, she’s a ropebunny.”

I was going to play a trick on my roommate by filling their room up to the ceiling with ropes, but I didn’t have any ropes.

Now it’s just a ropeless home antic.

A brunette and two blondes were hanging on a rope that was attached to a helicopter...

They were hanging on for dear life. However, they were told that the rope was going to break soon and that it could only support two people at this rate.

The two blondes started arguing about who should let go of the rope. The brunette didn't speak for most of the argument, but suddenly thoug...

One man asked another, "Do you often work with rope?"

The second man replied, "I confess, I do knot."

A rope walks into a bar...

The bartender points at him and says, "Hey! We don't serve your kind around here. Get out! "

The rope calmly exits the building, twists himself up, parts his hair, and goes back inside a few minutes later.

The bartender sees him again and asks angrily, "Aren't you that rope I just kick...

One of my favorites

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What ...

The Irish Stevedore

A diminutive native of Ireland applied at the wharf for work as a stevedore. He was only about five feet in height, and the foreman was dubious.

“We’re loading 300-pound anvils onto that boat, and a little chap like you couldn’t handle them,” he said. “Try me, “ answered Pat.
So the fore...

The FBI has determined the rope in Bubba Wallace's garage was a door pull and not a noose.

I guess no noose is good news.

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were use...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish rope merchant from New York was trying desperately to sell some of his goods in Louisiana. But wherever he went, he kept encountering Anti-Semitism.

In one particular department store, the buyer taunted him:

“All right, Jew. I’ll buy some of your rope. As much as reaches from the top of your big Jewish nose to the tip of your little Jewish penis.”

Two weeks later, the buyer was startled to receive a shipment containing ten thousand...

What end of the rope did Aaron Hernandez hang himself with?

The tight end.

A guy at the hardware store tried to sell me a 50ft spool of rope for $2, but I refused.

I hate long good buys.

Jumping with a rope can either be fun or sad.

It all depends on where the rope is attached.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?

Having high voltage electrodes attached to your testicles and being flogged senseless with a knotted rope.

BREAKING: The President's recent suicide attempt failed last night when the rope broke. His statement:

"Fake noose."

Three ropes walk into a bar...

They all sit down at a table and one of the ropes says “you guys stay here, I’ll go order the drinks.”

That rope then goes to the bar and the bartender says to him “It’s company policy to not serve ropes here.”

The rope then reruns to the table dejected and tells his buddies “Sorry g...

A man enters an animal shop, and sees a parrot with ropes tied to each of it's legs...

The man asks the shopkeeper about the parrot and the shopkeeper replies:

- If you pull the right leg rope, he's gonna greet you in French, and if you pull the left leg rope, he'll greet you in German

- And what about, if i pull both simultaneously? - asks the man.

- Well, he...<...

Carpenter's apprentice

A carpenter took on a young blonde girl as an apprentice. On their first job together, he was on the roof and she on the ground. He shouted down to her, "Tie the saw to the rope so I can haul it up."

She put her hand to her ear, indicating she couldn't hear him. Two more, louder, attempts wer...

What do you call a dwarf escaping prison down a rope?

A little condescending

A length of rope walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and says “get out, we don’t serve ropes in here!”

The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends.

He walks back into the bar and the bartender says “...

A Leaf and an Emo fall from a tree, which hits the ground first?

The Leaf. Because the rope stopped the Emo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Freddy turned up to his first day at the funeral home.

Freddy turned up to his first day at the funeral home. He was learning the ropes from Jimmy who had been working as a funeral director for the last 4 years. All was going well until they put the first coffin into the back of the hearse.

Jimmy said, "Freddy, ok. It's in the right spot. Now...

My sister asked me what this rope is for

But I left her hanging

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

President Trump attempts suicide, fails because of broken rope.

Fake noose.

A piece of rope walks into a bar.

After very inappropriate behaviour, the bartender asks the rope to leave.

The rope leaves and gives itself a makeover by unravelling himself at the top and tying himself into a knot.

It returns the next day and the bartender asks “Aren’t you the same guy yesterday?”

It says: “I’...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

If you want to hang yourself and still need a rope...

... take the one without any customer reviews. It should be the best for the job.

Back in the days... (long)

Back in the days, on a beautiful spring day, a farmer had led his cow to a small stream next to a green, lush meadow. The animal happily guzzles some water, while the farmer milks her. Two engineers come hiking down the path that follows the stream.

"Excuse me, sir", says one, "what are you d...

Some guy called peter managed to jump a skipping rope over 12,000 times in an hour

Really, it’s a world record, we looked it up

What do you call someone who brings a poorly tied rope to the gallows?

A bearer of bad noose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

Hey girl, are you a rope?

Cos I'd love to hang with you tonight

I was walking through the park this morning, when I saw a man, standing on a tree branch, with a rope around his neck...

I asked him what was happening and he screamed, "After I jump, everyone will dearly miss me when they recall that I hung myself!"

I immediately assured him that that would not be the case, even if he jumped, right there, in front of my very eyes, that's not what people will say!!

Tear...

I won a lifetime supply of rope yesterday

It’s 10 feet long!

A hardware store got robbed by 3 guys. All they took was 10 metres of rope...

Police have searched for them all over. Looks like they have skipped town.

A C.O. noticed something on patrol. He called his shift lead to tell him a subject was climbing down a makeshift rope, from a hole in Q4 dorm's outer wall. The subject was male, aprox. 3' 8" in height, wearing orange. The shift lead laughed over the radio, asking if he was sure of the sighting.

The C.O. later stated, it was definitely a little con descending.

What's the difference between a lasso and the EU?

One ropes your steer, the other steers Europe.

There was a public hanging and the guy went off the ropes and escaped!

Sorry that was badly executed

My friend tied me to a tree with a rope and told he will give me 50$ if I escape

I told him It's knot possible

A horse, a chicken and a Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the ...

I shortened the rope on the bucket ....

.......used to collect the villages water...

That didn't go down well....

There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings

It was called "Accessories To The Crime"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Translated this joke from my native language...

A guy say (Billy) who had very small penis, came to know about a guy. who knew a word, which upon saying penis grows by some inches.



Billy went there, that guy sat on a hill, and to climb that hill, there was a rope. So Billy started climbing that hill, upon climbing, the man asked B...

A rope walked into a bar...

A rope walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here! No ropes allowed!" The rope left, tied his top end, and fluffed out the fringe. He reentered the bar, and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just threw out?" "No," the rope said. "I'm a frayed knot."

Why are ropes used in bdsm?

Because they are knotty

Linear Prejudice

Three ropes hanging around outside a bar and decide they’re thirsty. The first one goes in, comes back out, and says, “They don’t serve ropes here.”

Second rope says, “Huh! Lemme try.”
He goes in and comes back out a minute later and says, “Nope. They sure don’t.”

The third rope s...

There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five.

Of course i left him hanging.

I needed to catch a bear to complete my zoo…

So I called a bear catcher.

The bear catcher shows up in his truck the next day. He gets out of his truck with a feather, some rope and a gun along side his dog, Blue.

He says that Blue is an expert bear tracker. He will find us a bear and run it up a tree.

“I’m going to chase...

TIL: It's possible to bungee jump without a rope.

But just once.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

I recently found out that suicide by rope typically uses a running knot.

That's noose to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man man bet me 100 bucks I couldn't eat a rope

I shit you knot

A man is walking down the street dragging 20 ft of rope behind him.

His neighbor is curious & asks, "Hey buddy, why you pulling that rope?"
The man replies, "You ever tried pushing it?"

Did you hear about the rope that won't pick up it's own slack?

Some things just can't be taught.

As the foreman was inspecting the workmen on site, he was surprised to find one worker hanging from a rope in the middle of the room repeating, "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier."

The foreman gives him a stern talking-to as the other men watch, and then orders him back to work.

During his next inspection of the same room, again the worker is hanging from the rope doing exactly what he was told not to.

Furious at his disobedience the foreman fires him on the spot...

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are these three ropes, and they are the best of friends

Every Friday, they go to the bowling alley to hang out and play a few games. However, when they got there on Friday, there was a sign that said, "No ropes allowed". They decided it must be a mistake, so one of the ropes goes in to ask about it, but gets kicked out. The second one goes in to try his ...

The Battle of Three Kingdoms

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night...

I could get to the second floor using the stairs or I could use a structure consisting of a series of bars or steps between two upright length of wood, metal, or rope.

I chose the ladder.

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within...

I was going to tell you a story about a rope

But I’ll leave you hanging

A rope walks into a bar

And sees someone sitting at the bar reposting this joke. The rope hangs the reposter.

In Transylvania. We go hunting for bear!

Father tells son:

Son! We go hunting for bear! Bring the dog, rope and the gun.

So the boy asks: Why we need the dog and the rope?

Because, when we go hunting for bear. The bear will be up on the tree. I climb up, shake the bear down. When the bear falls the dog will bite his n...

TIL: Ropes can pass through themselves

Ohh wait they can knot.

This one is sure to rope you in

A rumor was circulating around work that a coworker had hung himself. We were all pretty taken aback by it as he was kind of the office clown, always cheerful and cracking jokes. He just didn't seem like the type. We were even more taken aback when he showed up to work the next day, healthy as can b...

A rope walks into a bar

A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says "We don't serve your kind 'round 'ere!" and tosses him out.

The rope, really in need of a drink since his main string just left him for a lasso, ties himself in a knot over sorrow, throws himself on the ground, and rolls do...

Somethings just can't be explained

Possibly NSFW I forgot the tag in the title

A farmer went to milk his cow one morning. Just as the bucket was almost full, the cow knocked it over with her left leg. The farmer took some rope and tied the cow's left leg to a post on the left. He sat down to milk the cow again and again as the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man getting a BJ from a 65 year old prostitute and a man walking a mile high tight rope are thinking the same thing.

Don't Look Down

10 blondes and a brunette were hanging on a rope on the side of a cliff

However the rope cannot carry all 11, so one person has to be sacrificed. The brunette volunteers to sacrifice herself and proceeds to make a long touching speech. After she finishes, all the blondes clap and let go of the rope.

What did the mother rope say to her child?

“Don’t be knotty.”

A man walks into his first session with a psychiatrist

His mood is almost as dark as the room, shades drawn almost fully closed with just enough light to cast shadows like a priest’s confessional stall. *Perfect*, he thinks, *this will be easier if he can’t see the tears welling in my eyes*.

He sits down and breathes a heavy sigh. The clock tick...

If I had to choose between a rope or the inclined set of steps....

I would opt for the latter.

Why were the prisoners of Alcatraz upset when the shortest inmate broke free by sliding down his homemade rope?

It was a little condescending.

Everyone seemed upset with me when I started hanging objects from ropes on the ceiling

I don’t know why, but it created some tension

The Bell Ringer

A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is." .. So they climb all those stairs to the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don’t make rope jokes. People get roped all the time.

that shit’s knot funny.

A bit of rope walks into a bar...

A bit a rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve ropes here." The rope walks out of the bar and proceeds to twist himself around into a tangled mess. He then tousels the ends of himself before walking back into the bar. The bartender says "Aren't you that bit of rope I just kicked o...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.