A rope walks into a bar....

The bartender says, "hey, we don't serve ropes here sir". So the rope goes out side gets twisted and messes up his hair and walks back in minutes later. "Hey are you that rope that I told to leave earlier" shouted the bartender. He looks at the bartender and says "No sir, I'm a frayed knot".

A rope walks into a bar

The bartender says that ropes aren’t allowed and the rope has to leave

The rope leaves and ties himself into a knot

He walks back in and the bartender asks if he was the same rope from before

The rope said, “No, I’m knot”

The Rope-a-dope.

Two pieces of string walk into a bar.

The bartender looks them up and down, and asks: "You two aren't pieces of string, are ya?"

To which they both reply: "Why, yes, we are!"

And the bartender turns a bright shade of red and yells: "WE DON'T SERVE YOUR FILTHY KIND HERE!"

...

A rope walks into a bar...

This rope has seen years of hard work, is severely tangled and splitting, and well past it's prime. The rope just lays on the ground.

The bartender rushes over, "Sir, can you stand up?"

"I'm a frayed knot."

I recently found out that suicide by rope typically uses a running knot.

That's noose to me.

Towing ropes can't be learned

They must be taut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that I can eat a rope and when it comes out the other end it will be tied?

I shit you knot!

My sister asked me what this rope is for

But I left her hanging

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the sheep who thought she was a rope but couldn’t hold it together?

Shit ewe knot she fell fell apart!

I could get to the second floor using the stairs or I could use a structure consisting of a series of bars or steps between two upright length of wood, metal, or rope.

I chose the ladder.

Ever heard of the rope that could?

Well, it could knot.

Don’t trust ropes.

They can be very knotty.

A two ropes walk into a bar...

*twist on old joke*

As they order bartender shakes his head, "Can't you read?" as he gestures to a sign that says ,"We don't like dopes and don't serve Ropes!"

The rope is floored, but his mother warned him that some people didnt like ropes. So he and his buddy left.

Outside his...

Once there were three kingdoms

So once there were 3 kingdoms, each controlled an equal share of land with a small island on a lake at the centre of them. Always there was fighting over who would control the island, as it was a veritable paradise and each King wanted it for himself as a place to relax away from royal life.

...

I won a lifetime supply of rope yesterday

It’s 10 feet long!

As the foreman was inspecting the workmen on site, he was surprised to find one worker hanging from a rope in the middle of the room repeating, "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier."

The foreman gives him a stern talking-to as the other men watch, and then orders him back to work.

During his next inspection of the same room, again the worker is hanging from the rope doing exactly what he was told not to.

Furious at his disobedience the foreman fires him on the spot...

Why were the prisoners of Alcatraz upset when the shortest inmate broke free by sliding down his homemade rope?

It was a little condescending.

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

An old piece of rope walks into a bar..

After a rough day out at sea, salt in his cords, and some loose strands hanging out of his britches, he walks up to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender asks him, "You got money to pay for that drink?"

He replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man getting a BJ from a 65 year old prostitute and a man walking a mile high tight rope are thinking the same thing.

Don't Look Down

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carl is into the tenth year of his life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's compone...

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish rope merchant from New York was trying desperately to sell some of his goods in Louisiana. But wherever he went, he kept encountering Anti-Semitism.

In one particular department store, the buyer taunted him:

“All right, Jew. I’ll buy some of your rope. As much as reaches from the top of your big Jewish nose to the tip of your little Jewish penis.”

Two weeks later, the buyer was startled to receive a shipment containing ten thousand...

Why can't a fish play jump rope?

It keeps getting caught on the line.

What do you call an annoying rope?

A noose-ance.

A bit of rope walks into a bar...

A bit a rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve ropes here." The rope walks out of the bar and proceeds to twist himself around into a tangled mess. He then tousels the ends of himself before walking back into the bar. The bartender says "Aren't you that bit of rope I just kicked o...

TIL: It's possible to bungee jump without a rope.

But just once.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you believe i can teach you how to tie rope while taking a crap?

I shit, you knot.

If you want to hang yourself and still need a rope...

... take the one without any customer reviews. It should be the best for the job.

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders.

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines. After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer ...

I had my limbo rope stolen while at a funeral

It’s amazing how low some people will go.

Working at the circus

I used to work for a circus. The life was rough but we had some really good and talented acts. We had clowns, jugglers, contortionists, tight rope walkers and even a fire breather. Our boss was a real prick. She made us wear uncomfortable uniforms they didn’t really fit. The pants worked similarly t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in a plane that crashes in the Amazon...

They are swiftly captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader of their tribe tells them that outsiders from the sky are to be sacrificed for the good of the people. They will be cooked alive, the village will feast on their flesh, they will make weapons from their bones, and use their skin for canoe...

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

Did you hear about the rope that won't pick up it's own slack?

Some things just can't be taught.

A length of rope walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and says “get out, we don’t serve ropes in here!”

The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends.

He walks back into the bar and the bartender says “...

Two cannibals meet one day.

The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other re...

This one is sure to rope you in

A rumor was circulating around work that a coworker had hung himself. We were all pretty taken aback by it as he was kind of the office clown, always cheerful and cracking jokes. He just didn't seem like the type. We were even more taken aback when he showed up to work the next day, healthy as can b...

Three ropes are lost in the desert.

The group of ropes find a town, and find the bar. They run in and ask for water.
Ropes: can we have some water!?
Bar keep: didn't ya see the sign, no ropes! Get out!
And the bar keep kicks them out. The first rope has an idea: what if two of us stack up so that we look like a pers...

What would you rather climb, a rope or stairs?

I prefer the ladder.

President Trump attempts suicide, fails because of broken rope.

Fake noose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope visits Alabama and sees two white guys pulling a black guy out of a river on a rope.

The pope orders the pope-mobile to stop and he gets out to praise the two guys for such an act of kindness and for breaking down racial boundaries in this modern society. He blesses the two men and says he will see them in heaven.
 

Cletus turns to Bobby Joe and asks *“who the fu...

What end of the rope did Aaron Hernandez hang himself with?

The tight end.

A popular gorilla exhibit at a local zoo had its only resident pass away

The zoo, not having enough time and money to replace the perished primate, gave one of their employees a gorilla suit and told them to go into the exhibit and act like a gorilla. He at first disagreed, like anyone would, until they offered an enormous raise. He then of course accepted the money and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm...

When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out.

So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer... again they bang on the door, no answer.

In a fury the chicken bust...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don’t make rope jokes. People get roped all the time.

that shit’s knot funny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is on his first brutal day as a crewman of a pirate ship. He is swabbing the decks, heaving ropes, and emptying pisspots. All the horrible jobs delegated the new sailor.

Then out onto the deck steps the meanest, crustiest, saltiest pirate captain you can imagine. He's got a peg leg, an eyepatch, a hook for a hand, a parrot on his shoulder, a long beard, a gold ear ring, and a saber at his side.

The new sailor is awestruck. He nudges a fellow sailor and and as...

Hedgehog was pulling a rope in the forest

The rabbit saw and asked: "Why you are pulling this rope?" "You know... It's very hard to push it"replied hedgehog.

A young man joined up with a lumberjack camp

On his first day at the camp, one of the old hands was showing him the ropes: when to eat, where to pull timber, all the little details he needed to know to do his job. At the end of the impromptu lesson, the old hand asked the young man whether he had any questions.

"Just one," said the yo...

If i had an inch of rope for every sucide joke i made...

I'd have enough rope to hang myself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Chicken and the Horse (Dirty, Long)

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, good friends who enjoyed long leisurely walks together.

One day, their walk brought them to a swamp, in which the horse started to sink. "Quickly!" he cried, "run to the farmer's garage, throw a rope into his BMW, drive it over here, tie me to it, and p...

Flood joke from a catechism

Religious guy's town started flooding, and when the water reached his porch he started praying for help. Suddenly, a divine voice told him, "Bob, you are a good person, I have heard your prayers and I will save you!"

A few minutes later some woman in a small inflatable raft paddled by.
...

10 blondes and a brunette were hanging on a rope on the side of a cliff

However the rope cannot carry all 11, so one person has to be sacrificed. The brunette volunteers to sacrifice herself and proceeds to make a long touching speech. After she finishes, all the blondes clap and let go of the rope.

I only had enough money to buy either a ladder or a rope...

I chose the latter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just a little fire truck

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her...

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

What do you call a tangled rope in space?

Astro-knot.

Built a robot to tie rope together...

But it does knot work.

I had to cut off Jim today, he was becoming too much of a weight

His last words: “Don’t cut the rope! I’m sure we can figure this out!”

I was going to tell you a story about a rope

But I’ll leave you hanging

What did the retiring domintrix say to her replacement?

"I'll show you the ropes."

(I just thought of this joke. I'm sure it's been made before, sorry.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men camping...

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and ...

I was walking through the park this morning, when I saw a man, standing on a tree branch, with a rope around his neck...

I asked him what was happening and he screamed, "After I jump, everyone will dearly miss me when they recall that I hung myself!"

I immediately assured him that that would not be the case, even if he jumped, right there, in front of my very eyes, that's not what people will say!!

Tear...

This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go With His Friends. Then He Does This.

This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go
With His Friends. Then He Does This.

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for
many years.

A few days before the group's annual departure date,
John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't
going. John's fishing buddi...

What did the bondage rope say?

I'm knotty

What did Trump say when Biden said he'd hang him with a rope?

Fake Noose

of Knights and Squires

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before...

I really hate untangling ropes, cables and the likes

I'm knot really good with them

How does a Pokemon trainer respond to depression?

With an escape rope.

A blonde joke a friend told me sometime ago (I'm sorry if this offends you)

Three women named Katie, Rachel and Karen, our blonde protagonist, attempted to rob the local bank.

Katie explained the plan to both of them. They went through it once again and then left for the bank.

While Karen went inside the bank, Rachel waited in the driver's seat and Katie was l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] a white guy is showering at the gym alone when in comes the biggest and most muscle bound black guy he has ever seen walks in...

The black man whips off his towel and reveals the largest member on a dude the white guy has ever seen. He can’t stop staring and it makes the black man uncomfortable after a few minutes

“You got a problem?” the muscles dude says

“I have to be honest” starts the white guy, “that thing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope wakes up one day and decides he doesn't want any Jews in Rome

The Pope calls the Rabbi for Rome and informs him of his decision. The Rabbi protests and says "Wait, that's it, we're not even gonna talk about this?" So the Pope asks what he wants to do and the Rabbi says that he wants to have a debate the following week. The Pope agrees and they part ways.
...

Amazon review for 20' rope.

**** - this is simply the most amazing, durable, and soft rope ever!
Last one I'll ever need! - Kate S.

New mower!

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration,...

How do you get a guy with deppresion down from the tree?

You cut the rope

There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five.

Of course i left him hanging.

Quasimodo Part 2

After Quasimodo’s funeral the next Sunday, his identical twin brother Farsimodo that no one knew he had was so distraught that he vowed to take up his brother’s mantle. Realizing that the funeral got out right before he had to ring the bells for the first time, he made a mad dash for the spires of ...

What did the condemned prisoner say when he was informed that the hangman forgot the rope?

No noose is good noose.

A little girl lived next to a Firehouse.

Inspired by the activity when the firemen would respond to an emergency, she decided she wanted to be just like them.She took her little red wagon and rolled up a garden hose and stuck it to the wagon.Then she fixated a crude,makeshift ladder.Finally she grabbed a rope,tied one end to the front of h...

In front of a mental clinic, a patient was pulling a rope.

Doctor: why are you pulling that rope?
Patient: what do you want me to do, push it?!

You come across three performing mimes. One is in an invisible box, one is cutting an invisible rope, and one is fighting an invisible man. Which one failed mime school?

The one who won't shut up about it.

TIL: Ropes can pass through themselves

Ohh wait they can knot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You've gotta go for it!

A man walks down the street and sees a rope dangling down with a note: Climb the rope to success!

He shrugs, climbs the rope and reaches a platform. On it is a beautiful naked woman who tells him: "You can choose to stay here with me, or continue climbing the rope to success".

After s...

Why didn't the rope get any presents this year?

He was very knotty.

My colleagues wanted to do a team building activity, and someone suggested a ropes course.

A few folks were hesitant, but I'm happy to say everyone came. I've never experience such fantastic bondage.

Why didn't Santa go to the rope tying convention?

Because they're all on the knotty list.

Highway 66

Along Highway 66 there drove an old man in a busted up car, after driving for 2 hrs, his car broke down so he pulled over. After looking at the car he decided to flag down another car for a tow to the nearest town.

After waiting for several hours along came a man driving a ferrari, who saw th...

A rope walked into a bar

The rope asked the bartender: "can I get a
Bud Lite?"

The bartender responded: "Sir, we don't serve ropes"

The rope went into the bathroom with a knife and frayed himself, then went back to the bar

The rope asked again: "Can I get a Bud Lite?"

The bartender responded:...

I tried to order some rope on suicide hotline this morning...

Now for some reason they’re knocking on my door

My friend fell off a cliff and I was just in time to grab his rope.

It was a tense situation.

A rope walks into a bar

And sees someone sitting at the bar reposting this joke. The rope hangs the reposter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman at my work told me three of jokes yesterday

"I was at the gas station earlier before I came here, and they had a freezer chest outside, and it said "Cold Ice"..... I bloody well hope it is!"

"How can you tell if a man is well hung?
Try to get your fingers through the space between the rope and his neck."

"A group of people we...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets asked “What is it to have sex at the age of 70?”

"It's like playing billiard with a rope", the man answers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asks her students to use the word “beautiful” twice in a sentence...

Little Sandy’s hand shoots into the air immediately.

“Go ahead, Sandy.”

“My mother bought a beautiful new dress, and she looks beautiful when she wears it.”

“Very good, Sandy!”

Sandy beams. At that moment another hand is raised in the back of the room. It’s that of Little...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.

One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.

...

A rope walked into a bar...

A rope walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here! No ropes allowed!" The rope left, tied his top end, and fluffed out the fringe. He reentered the bar, and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just threw out?" "No," the rope said. "I'm a frayed knot."

A rope walks into a bar

A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says "We don't serve your kind 'round 'ere!" and tosses him out.

The rope, really in need of a drink since his main string just left him for a lasso, ties himself in a knot over sorrow, throws himself on the ground, and rolls do...

What's the KKK's favorite game?

Cut The Rope

A man is walking down the street dragging 20 ft of rope behind him.

His neighbor is curious & asks, "Hey buddy, why you pulling that rope?"
The man replies, "You ever tried pushing it?"

Two tightropes are side by side.

One is made of polyester, the other nylon.

The tightrope walker makes it across the polyester rope with no trouble, but on her way back across the nylon line, the rope gives a little too much, and she falls to the net.

The polyester rope looks over in disappointment. "That was a disg...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to let Jim go today

His response: "Don't fucking cut the rope you asshole! I just gotta swing over to that ledge!"

A very religious man's child was caught with measles....

The man put the child in his bed and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbor came by and said, “His temperature will soon be too high and will cause irreparable health problems, let me give him some medicine.”


“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will ...

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to th...

If your life is awful, get a rope and a stool

...and find the next tree. Throw the rope over a branch and attach the stool to the rope.

Now you've got a swing.

A priest buys a lawn mower at a garage sale

Back at home, he pulls on the rope a few times with no results.

He storms back to the garage sale and tells the previous owner "I can't get the mower to start!"

"That's because you have to curse to get it started, says the man."

"I'm a man of the cloth. I don't even remember how...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A piece of Rope walks into a bar

A piece of rope walks into the bar and calls for the bartender and says

"Hey bartender, give me a drink"

The bartender acknowledges the rope, but as he's handing him the drink, stops suddenly and says

"Get out of my bar! We don't serve your kind here!"

So the piece of rop...

Me and you are like an emo kid and a rope...

We hung out once and then it all ended.

Is old rope good enough for a hanging?

Frayed knot. That stuff is bad noose.

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered.

A man came in and asked the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?'

The farmer shook his head and replied, 'Some things you just can't explain.'

'So what happened that's so horrible?' the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

'Well,' ...

I started teaching a rope tying class a couple hours before a depression support group

It was incredibly successful but it died out quick

Suicide costs more than just your life...

It also costs about 6.99 for the rope at your local hardware store. #Supportlocalbusinesses

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.