A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

A bit of rope walks into a bar...

A bit a rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve ropes here." The rope walks out of the bar and proceeds to twist himself around into a tangled mess. He then tousels the ends of himself before walking back into the bar. The bartender says "Aren't you that bit of rope I just kicked o...

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A Jewish rope merchant from New York was trying desperately to sell some of his goods in Louisiana. But wherever he went, he kept encountering Anti-Semitism.

In one particular department store, the buyer taunted him:

“All right, Jew. I’ll buy some of your rope. As much as reaches from the top of your big Jewish nose to the tip of your little Jewish penis.”

Two weeks later, the buyer was startled to receive a shipment containing ten thousand...

I won a lifetime supply of rope yesterday

It’s 10 feet long!

Why can't a fish play jump rope?

It keeps getting caught on the line.

An old piece of rope walks into a bar..

After a rough day out at sea, salt in his cords, and some loose strands hanging out of his britches, he walks up to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender asks him, "You got money to pay for that drink?"

He replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

What would you rather climb, a rope or stairs?

I prefer the ladder.

I had my limbo rope stolen while at a funeral

It’s amazing how low some people will go.

Why were the prisoners of Alcatraz upset when the shortest inmate broke free by sliding down his homemade rope?

It was a little condescending.

If you want to hang yourself and still need a rope...

... take the one without any customer reviews. It should be the best for the job.

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Can you believe i can teach you how to tie rope while taking a crap?

I shit, you knot.

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The Pope visits Alabama and sees two white guys pulling a black guy out of a river on a rope.

The pope orders the pope-mobile to stop and he gets out to praise the two guys for such an act of kindness and for breaking down racial boundaries in this modern society. He blesses the two men and says he will see them in heaven.
 

Cletus turns to Bobby Joe and asks *“who the fu...

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath....

As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

Two friends had just finished fishing...

...and were rowing their boat back to the docks. When they arrived, the first friend got out and started to tether the boat to the nearest wooden pole. As he was doing so, he noticed that the rope was well-worn and had the potential to snap any moment. For the time being, he decided to tie up the bo...

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A man is on his first brutal day as a crewman of a pirate ship. He is swabbing the decks, heaving ropes, and emptying pisspots. All the horrible jobs delegated the new sailor.

Then out onto the deck steps the meanest, crustiest, saltiest pirate captain you can imagine. He's got a peg leg, an eyepatch, a hook for a hand, a parrot on his shoulder, a long beard, a gold ear ring, and a saber at his side.

The new sailor is awestruck. He nudges a fellow sailor and and as...

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The Physics Student

Some time ago, I received a call from a colleague who asked if I would be the referee on the grading of an
examination question. He was about to give a student a zero for her answer to a physics question, while the student
claimed she should be given a perfect score and would, if the system we...

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Don’t make rope jokes. People get roped all the time.

that shit’s knot funny.

Hedgehog was pulling a rope in the forest

The rabbit saw and asked: "Why you are pulling this rope?" "You know... It's very hard to push it"replied hedgehog.

A peice of rope walks into a bar...

the rope asks for a drink and the bartender says "Didn't you read the sign? We don't serve rope here" The rope then walks out of the bar and finds a random man. The rope says to the man "Tie me in a knot" so the man ties the rope into a knot. The rope then says "Fray my ends" and so the man frays th...

10 blondes and a brunette were hanging on a rope on the side of a cliff

However the rope cannot carry all 11, so one person has to be sacrificed. The brunette volunteers to sacrifice herself and proceeds to make a long touching speech. After she finishes, all the blondes clap and let go of the rope.

Built a robot to tie rope together...

But it does knot work.

A length of rope walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and says “get out, we don’t serve ropes in here!”

The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends.

He walks back into the bar and the bartender says “...

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Ancient chinese torture

A man goes on a date with a hot chinese chick and crashes at her house, when her dad, Ling Bao, says:
"You can stay here for the night. Just one condition: don't sleep with my virgin daughter or I will give you the 3 worst forms of chinese torture".

The man agrees, but he ends up sleeping ...

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God Creating Spiders

God: Let it be, that from here onwards spiders shall have eight legs.

Archangel Gabriel: As you command, lord.

God: Also they shall have eight eyes instead of the normal two.

Archangel Gabriel: That seems slightly excessive doesn’t it? But as you wish lord.

God: And gi...

I only had enough money to buy either a ladder or a rope...

I chose the latter.

President Trump attempts suicide, fails because of broken rope.

Fake noose.

Amazon review for 20' rope.

**** - this is simply the most amazing, durable, and soft rope ever!
Last one I'll ever need! - Kate S.

What end of the rope did Aaron Hernandez hang himself with?

The tight end.

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I have this cool party trick where I eat a rope and shit it out as a knot...

I shit you knot.

What did the bondage rope say?

I'm knotty

If i had an inch of rope for every sucide joke i made...

I'd have enough rope to hang myself

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Got my dog a skipping rope...

Bitch be tripping...

In front of a mental clinic, a patient was pulling a rope.

Doctor: why are you pulling that rope?
Patient: what do you want me to do, push it?!

I was going to tell you a story about a rope

But I’ll leave you hanging

My colleagues wanted to do a team building activity, and someone suggested a ropes course.

A few folks were hesitant, but I'm happy to say everyone came. I've never experience such fantastic bondage.

What do you call a tangled rope in space?

Astro-knot.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

What did Trump say when Biden said he'd hang him with a rope?

Fake Noose

You come across three performing mimes. One is in an invisible box, one is cutting an invisible rope, and one is fighting an invisible man. Which one failed mime school?

The one who won't shut up about it.

What’s better than swinging a dead baby in circles around your head on a 5 ft rope?

stopping it with a shovel.

A rope went into a bar

A rope went into a bar where a sign prominently displayed proclaimed "No ropes served". "Can't you read the sign? It says 'No ropes served'" said the bartender. The rope went home dejected and put on a disguise: dark glasses heavy overcoat mussy hair. Back to the bar he went. "Hey I know you you ...

Why didn't Santa go to the rope tying convention?

Because they're all on the knotty list.

What did the condemned prisoner say when he was informed that the hangman forgot the rope?

No noose is good noose.

I tried to order some rope on suicide hotline this morning...

Now for some reason they’re knocking on my door

TIL: Ropes can pass through themselves

Ohh wait they can knot.

An emo and an apple fall out of a tree. Which one hits the ground first?

The apple, the emo is stopped by the rope.

My friend fell off a cliff and I was just in time to grab his rope.

It was a tense situation.

I was walking through the park this morning, when I saw a man, standing on a tree branch, with a rope around his neck...

I asked him what was happening and he screamed, "After I jump, everyone will dearly miss me when they recall that I hung myself!"

I immediately assured him that that would not be the case, even if he jumped, right there, in front of my very eyes, that's not what people will say!!

Tear...

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I can swallow a rope and make it come out the other end tied.

I shit you knot!

A rope walked into a bar

The rope asked the bartender: "can I get a
Bud Lite?"

The bartender responded: "Sir, we don't serve ropes"

The rope went into the bathroom with a knife and frayed himself, then went back to the bar

The rope asked again: "Can I get a Bud Lite?"

The bartender responded:...

There is a man drowning 100 feet from shore and is crying for help.......

A Democrat shows up and throws him 200 feet of rope. The excess rope weighs the victim down and he drowns.

A Republican shows up and throws out 50 feet of rope and demands that the victim take some responsibility for himself and swim to the rope. He can’t and drowns.

A libertarian show...

There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five.

Of course i left him hanging.

I want to tie a rope into the shape of the letter Y.

Why you ask?

Y knot.

Why didn't the rope get any presents this year?

He was very knotty.

Me and you are like an emo kid and a rope...

We hung out once and then it all ended.

A rope walks into a bar

And sees someone sitting at the bar reposting this joke. The rope hangs the reposter.

Have you heard the rope joke?

Skip it.

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A cowboy gets with a virgin...

As she reaches her hand down his pants and grabs his penis, she says, "Whats that?"

"Oh that? Well that there is my rope!" replied the cowboy.

She goes a little further and grips his balls while saying, "What are these?"

'Well those there are my knots" exclaimed the cowboy.
T...

If your life is awful, get a rope and a stool

...and find the next tree. Throw the rope over a branch and attach the stool to the rope.

Now you've got a swing.

Is old rope good enough for a hanging?

Frayed knot. That stuff is bad noose.

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A piece of Rope walks into a bar

A piece of rope walks into the bar and calls for the bartender and says

"Hey bartender, give me a drink"

The bartender acknowledges the rope, but as he's handing him the drink, stops suddenly and says

"Get out of my bar! We don't serve your kind here!"

So the piece of rop...

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I ate a rope

One day I was bored so I got a piece of rope and tied it together, then inserted it into my mouth. About an hour later I take a dump and it is still intact!

I shit you knot.

An 18 y/o boy getting a BJ from and 80 y/o woman and a tightrope walker have the same thought...What is it?

Don't look down!


My Dad broke this one out this morning thought I would share.

A priest, a lawyer and a physicist were sentenced to death by guillotine

The priest was first to receive his sentence, he bent on the stand, the executioner closed on his head and asked him if he had any last words, the priest said "God .. I know god will save me from this", the executioner pulled the handle, the blade started to fall, but it stopped right on top of the ...

A man is walking down the street dragging 20 ft of rope behind him.

His neighbor is curious & asks, "Hey buddy, why you pulling that rope?"
The man replies, "You ever tried pushing it?"

A rope walked into a bar...

A rope walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here! No ropes allowed!" The rope left, tied his top end, and fluffed out the fringe. He reentered the bar, and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just threw out?" "No," the rope said. "I'm a frayed knot."

I started teaching a rope tying class a couple hours before a depression support group

It was incredibly successful but it died out quick

A rope walks into a bar

A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says "We don't serve your kind 'round 'ere!" and tosses him out.

The rope, really in need of a drink since his main string just left him for a lasso, ties himself in a knot over sorrow, throws himself on the ground, and rolls do...

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

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Little Billy is pulling a dead frog on a rope

... as he walks into a brothel. He walks up to the madam and says loudly and proudly, "I want to have sex with Monica."

The madam says, "but you're just a boy, you can't be here."

Billy pulls out $3000 dollars and says, "I am a paying customer, and I want to have sex with Monica."<...

Did the depressed rope maker succeed?

Sadly, he did knot.

An ancient mathematical joke

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with ...

Did you hear the joke about the jump rope?

Eh nevermind, I'll just skip it.

If I had to choose between a rope or the inclined set of steps....

I would opt for the latter.

A Rope Walks Into A Bar

A rope walks into the bar looking to get a drink after a long day he approaches the bartender and orders a beer, the bartender refuses and says "we don't serve rope here" the rope leaves the bar and finds a stranger outside and asks if he would kindly do him an odd favor, he asks the stranger to tie...

How do pirates measure rope?

In yarr'ds.

A boy is pulling a pretty long and thick rope...

So he's walking along the sidewalk pulling the rope.

A bystander asks him: "Why are you pulling that rope?"

The boy replies: "Have you tried pushing it?"

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Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you ...

What is the similarity between tight rope walking and an old lady giving you head?

You don't want to look down.

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There's a man walking a tight rope. 100ft below him there's a man getting a blowjob from an 80 year old woman. What are they both thinking?

Don't look down.

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Two men across the world from each other are doing completely different things: one is skywalking on a rope over an abyss, and another is getting a blowjob from a 90 year old. What are they both thinking?

Don't look down!

I went to a rope store today

looking for some rope. I ask the clerk what the best general use rope is and he brings me aisle after aisle, showing me various types of rope and different knots.
We get to one aisle, and there is nothing there except a single, medium sized box.

I promptly ask the clerk about it and he te...

A rope walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Get out of here! We don't serve ropes here!"

So the rope heads around the block, walks up to a stranger and says "Hey, can you tie me in a knot?" Stranger shrugs and does it.

The rope hangs out a little longer, till a lady walks by and he asks "Hey, could you fray ...

Why did the man use a pair of scissors on the rope?

The knife just wasn't cutting it.

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What does walking a tight rope and receiving a blow job from your mother-in-law have in common?

In both cases it is strongly advisable to not look down

A rope walked into a bar

After a long, hard day of work, a piece of rope walked into a bar looking to relax and have a drink. As he walked in, he noticed several of the patrons eyeing him. He made his way to the bar, sat down, and motioned to the bartender. The bartender walked down to where the rope was sitting and lowered...

A rope walks into a bar...

He asks for a drink. The bartender replies "We don't serve ropes here." The rope leaves. A while later, the rope walks back into the bar and tries to order a drink. The bartender turns the rope away saying the same thing. The rope walks out of the bar, gets himself all twisted up because he's so mad...

So I accidentally fell onto the rope connecting my two pigs...

I tore my hamstring.