UPJOKE
seamsurgical seamumbilicusincisionstitchgutthreadyarnjointstitchingsuturessewsymmetricalconcavesymmetry

I recently had a procedure done on my elbow to correct a compressed ulnar nerve that required a 3-inch incision and some sutures…

Guess you can say I had surgery on my funny bone that left me in stitches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whilst watching The Incredible Dr. Pol, my wife got upset with the answer I gave my daughter, when she asked me what "Applying monofilament sutures to female canine's lacerations" meant.

Apparently, "Bitches gonna get stiches" isn't an appropriate thing to say to a 7-year old...

I strongly recommend against stitching up your own wounds.

But if you insist, suture self.

I was in the hospital and asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches.

She said "suture self".

I'm writing a book to help surgeons to use Eastern meditation to overcome anxiety in the operating theatre...

I'm going to call it *The Calmer Suture.*

So, you don't trust a doctor to stitch you up?

Fine. Suture self.

What did the doctor say when their patient wouldn’t let them finish the surgery?

“Suture self”

Two surgeons are in an operating room...

One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?”

The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound”

The second surgeon replies “suture self”

Did you hear about the mail-order surgery kit you can have delivered straight to your door?

It's called Suture Self.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 100 year old man brings home a prostitute from a local bar.

The lady begins to undress and perform a headstand in the corner.
The man asked, what are you doing? One of those fancy Carmen sutures positions.
She said no. I figured you can't get it up so go ahead and drop it down in.

What did the field medic say to the uncooperative wounded soldier?

Suture self.

A nurse met with an accident

... and was brought to the hospital. Her injuries are not severe, but the surgeon opts for general anesthesia anyway. Just as he was about to complete the minor surgery, the patient wakes up, in shock, and would like to know what is going on.


“I’m just about to close the nasty gash,” the ...

What did the nurse tell her patient after he refused to let her mend a cut on his arm?

“Fine, suture self!”

I had a patient the other day who didn’t want to let me stitch up his laceration. I said fine...

Suture self

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prostitute has a problem...

There once was a very prolific prostitute. She serviced many a John and a Jane over her career.

Her biggest insecurity was always the way her vagina looked. She had rather large pussy lips (labia minora). Occasionally, she would be rejected by a client because of the way her lady bits looked...

Doctor pulled a dad joke on my dad

My dad cut his finger while working in his shop. He was urged by my mom to go to the doctor and get stitches. He's one of those, "I don't go to doctors" and "I'm a cheapskate" type people.


After an hour it kept bleeding so he finally decided to go. He was checked in and the doctor was a...

Two doctors are enjoying a hike.

On a particularly technical section of the trail, one of them slips on a wet rock, putting a gash into his thigh as he lands heavily on a branch that was laying in the path. "Oh jeez," says the other doctor, "let me help you! I'll just grab my tools from my bag, and we'll get that leg fixed right up...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to make a Russian coffee table book based on sex positions using cross stitch images. I will call it...

The commie suture.

Self service in the OR

Near the end of my operation, I suddenly woke up and demanded the right to close my incision.

Reluctantly, the surgeon handed me the needle and said, "Suture self.”

My buddy is a doctor. When he got a nasty cut, he insisted he'd be able to do his own stitches.

I said, "Fine, suture self."

After the operation I say to the doctor...

"Look, I'm gonna try to save some money and stitch myself back up."
"Are you sure?" He says, "alright, suture self."

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor with a nasty cut on his arm...

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor with a nasty cut on his arm. He says to the doctor, "look, I really don't want to be here. I'm deathly afraid of doctors and needles and all this stuff. Just bandage me up so I can get the hell out of here." The doctor says "Mr. Smith, this is an ugly wound, I'm afraid I...

A man walks into a doctor's office with a very deep cut.

"I need to close up this wound, doc", says the man, "but I can't afford for you to do it, so can you just give me the needle and thread so I can do it myself?"

The doctor says; "sure, suture self"

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