Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?

**Best Buy employee:** a cord?

**Me:** no it's a Civic.

Where does wire wool come from?

Sheep metal (my apologies)

A wire just fell from the ceiling

I was shocked when the electrician couldn’t fix it.

What is the difference between a priest and a wire coat hanger?

According to the church only one of them harms children.

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An old man was sitting on his porch one morning when a boy walked up the road carrying a large roll of chicken wire.

“Hey, boy! What are you doing with all that chicken wire?”

“I’m gonna catch some chickens, sir.”

“You fool, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”

The boy smiled and walked off. That evening he came back dragging the chicken wire with at least a dozen chickens rolled up...

Why should we make shoelaces out of earphone/headphones wires?

Cause they would tie themselves.

What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction!

How copper wire was invented.

Dad: So, what did you need help with?

Son: I need to know how copper wire was invented.

Dad: It all started when 2 lawyers were fighting over a penny.

Son: ...

Got fired today because I fell for a scam asking me to wire a sizable amount of company money to a foreign bank account.

If that hadn't been stupid enough, I also confused the foreign bank account with my own.

Two cowboys are horseback riding

Two cowboys, one from Texas and one from Arkansas are riding their horses when they come across a sheep with it's head stuck in a barbed wire fence. The Cowboy from Texas gets off his horse, gets behind the sheep and just goes to town. When he finishes he jumps back on his horse and asks the cowbo...

What do you call a set of wires that like to communicate moral based children’s stories?

Aesop’s Cables

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Man goes to buy a new car...

The salesman at the dealership talks with him for a while and sets him up with a car that suits his needs. As he's leaving the lot, he wants to listen to some music and discovers there isn't any buttons on the stereo. He beckons over the salesman and asks "what's the deal with the stereo, I can't tu...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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What is a high wire walker, and a guy getting a blow job from a 100 year old woman both thinking?

Whatever you do, don't look down.

What do they call the electrical engineering freak?

Wired

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light ar...

The police raided my house and found dynamite, wire and a detonator with a plunger

Eyes welling with tears, I begged, “PLEASE don’t press charges!”

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My friend met a prostitute who connected battery wires to his testicles.

I said, “Holy shit! How much did she charge you?”

What do G-Strings and barbed wire have in common?

They both protect the property without disrupting the view.

A man gets three wishes from a genie on the condition that his wire gets twice as much as he wishes

Fist he wishes for a Lamborghini, he gets a Lamborghini and his wife gets two Lamborghinis

Then he wishes for a million dollars, his wife gets two million dollars

Then he says “beat me until I am half dead” and the genie proceeded to beat him so that he was half dead, and then the gen...

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A woman finds out that she's pregnant with triplets...

she then consents to be the test subject for an experiment. A doctor gives her a newly developed pill that is meant to give unborn children super intelligence so they're born with the ability to speak English, think critically, etc.

Nine months later, she goes into labor. The doctor who gave ...

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An old man was sitting on his porch

when he sees a boy ride his bike down the street with rolls of Duct tape hanging from the handle bars. Curious he asks the boy " Hey Boy, what ya doing with all that Duct Tape????" To which the boy responds " I'm going to catch me some DUCKS!" The old man doesn't think anything of it but than a few ...

What is black and smokes and is attached to electrical wires?

A bad electrician

Why was the high wire artist denied insurance?

Outstanding balance.

Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to rep...

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An old man notices a young boy walking down the street with some chicken wire.

The old man says "where you going with that there chicken wire?"
The boy says " going to catch me some chickens".
Old man " that ain't how you catch chickens"
A few hours later the old man sees the boy walking back with a bunch of chickens in his wire.
"
Ill be damned" thinks the ol...

One time there was a man with no money.

He got a job as a train conductor. One day he walked up to a man on the train and shot him point-blank and stole his money.

Well, when everyone got off the train he was immediately arrested. He got sentenced to death by the judge and went to be executed by electric chair.

The execution...

I saw a telephone wire starting to fall on someones car the other day on my way home from work but I don't think they noticed

They would be in for a shock

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A boy holding duct tape walks by an old man on a bench

The old man says, "what're you doing with that duct tape?" The boy replies saying, "I'm going to go catch some ducks." The old man says, "you can't catch ducks with duct tape." Sure enough, the boys comes back later holding a bunch of ducks wrapped in duct tape.

The next day the boy passes th...

What do you call an inappropriate robot?

A wire stripper

Paddy finds a sandwich with 2 red wires stickin out of it...

He phones the bomb squad... "jesus, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a feckin bomb"...

The operator asks "Is it tickin?" ...Paddy says "No, I tink it's beef!"

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite...

I took a girl on a date into a freezer and prodded her with a mesh of wire...

She screamed, "What the hell is this?"

I replied "Net flicks and chill."

"Now cut the red wire to defuse the bomb, sir" said the defusing expert calmly to me over the phone

What an explosive way to find out you're colourblind.

The Art Thief

The Art Theif

A French man goes into the Louvre’s parking with his van. He gets out and goes inside. He sneaks pass guards, gets through barbed wire, avoids lasers and in front of him there is the Mona Lisa. He takes it and manages to get back to his van. When he goes into his van and leaves ...

Security guard goes outside a side door for a cigarette and spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out

He radios his boss "Hey Jim, there's a sandwich outside the door here with wires sticking out of it"

His boss replies "Is it ticking?"

"No, it's turkey and ham."

I like the way you think!

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"
One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away....

Whenever I tell people about my suicide attempts, they all say that I should get help.

Literally no one is ever actually willing to solder the wires or tie a proper noose for me though.

Electrician gets home late...

Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"

I just got sent down to the stores for 10 metres of electrical wire, 6A rated, five cores (red, blue, yellow, black and earth).

Weird flex, but OK.

I heard wired connections are faster...

So I poured some coffee on my router and now it's even slower...Do I need another java update?

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Little Johnny goes hunting (long)

One day little Johnny is walking down the street past the Old mans house carrying a roll of chicken wire.

The old man calls out from the rocking chair on his porch "What'ya got there boy?".

Little Johnny says back "I got me chicken wire! I'ma gonna catch me some chickens!".

The ...

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Deep into the woods there was bunny rabbit, hopping and prancing,

when he saw a monkey about to drop acid, so he yelled

"STOOOOOOOPPPPPPPP, THAT'S BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH COME JOIN ME HOP THRU THE FOREST".

So the monkey said fuck it, let's do it rabbit.

So the monkey and the bunny where prancing through the woods when all of a sudden, saw a giraff...

A man touched a bare wire to see what would happen. What happened next shocked him.

He remained unharmed.

An electrician tells the engineer, “I wired everything exactly according to the drawing and I flip the switch and there’s no current.”

“Yes, I see the problem,” The engineer responds. “We just can’t draw any current.”

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talk...

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagi...

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

A pit for each nation in hell

A man dies and he gets a guided tour of hell from the devil, before he can go to heaven.

First they see a huge pit full of hot tar, and people screaming in agony. There's barbed wire around the pit, and guards with rifles.

The man asks: What's this?

And the devil says: this pit ...

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An old man was sitting on his front porch, when a kid walks by with some chicken wire.

He decides to give the little boy a hard time and says

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Chicken wire, mister."

"What do you plan on doing with that?"

"Well, I'm going to catch some chickens."

"You idiot, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The boy shru...

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He knows what he's doing

Leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire. His father said, 'Son, where are you going?'
The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some chickens.'

Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.' But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later that day, the son came home wit...

How do you induce a current in a wire by counting to 10?

By mathematical induction.

Did you hear about the BuzzFeed employee who peed on an exposed wire?

Number 1 shocked him.

Did you hear about the guy with copper wire?

Apparently he got arrested for misconduct.

I have some wire frames and a curved lens.

Is that anything to make a spectacle of?

Three Irish guys chatting:

First says, I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician, I came home and under the bed was a pair of wire cutters.

Second one says, I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber, I came home and under the bed was a wrench.

Third one says, I think my wife is having an a...

Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American ...

My frugal neighbor doesn't want to pay for an electrician to re-wire his house so he's going to try and do it himself. "How hard can it be?" he said.

I think he's in for a shock.

Johnny was daydreaming in class when the teacher called on him

“Johnny, if there are five birds on a wire and one gets shot how many are left?”

After thinking for a brief second Johnny responds “zero”

The teacher looks at him inquisitively and states. “Johnny, five minus one is four”

To which Johnny replies “yes but if you shoot one bird t...

You guys should try touching a live wire.

What happens next will shock you.

A farmer's wire fence was broken, so he put new wood into the ground and ran wire across it.

This is a repost.

An electrician was shocked by a live wire when he was asked why...

He said he couldn't resist.

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The Thin Swiss Wire

A crew of Swiss engineerers was tasked by their government to create a wire as thin as possible. The project took months, years to finish, but at last, they succeeded. They produced a piece of extremely thin wire. It was so thin that they could not even measure how thin it actually was. Not only tha...

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A man was walking across a desert with his camel

A man was walking across a desert with his camel. It had been close to 10 days since the two had left the last oasis.

In the blazing heat, the man decided to take a sip of water. But noticing that he had only a few ounces of water left, he decided to save it for later.

The blazing hea...

A Mexican electrician accidentally touched a live wire.

He suffered a Corona discharge.

Why are wires addicted to electricity?

They can't resist.

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Positive Attitude

Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.

He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms,
a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him.

He reali...

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Chicken Wire

An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

**Boy yells back** "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

**Bo...

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The farmer and the neighbor boy (sorry for the mobile format)

This lonely farmer likes to sit on his porch his every mourning. One mourning, as he’s sitting there, a boy comes walking down the road carrying a giant roll of duct tape.

The farmer asks “what are you doing with so much tape?” The boy replies “this isn’t just any tape this is duck tape. I’...

An electrician's son removed one wire from each of his father's power plugs.

His father asks him furiously: Why did you do that? What's wrong with you?

Son: Nothing, dad. It's just a phase.

Father: You're grounded.

What do you get when an hedgehog and a Snake make a child

Barbed wire

Look at this wire! Is has so obviously been tapped!

Sorry Mr President, we call that a landline sir.

My phone charger has been exposing its inner wires to promote its agenda.

It's a shameless plug.

What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?

Udder Destruction.

I swear this joke is funnier in person.
Try it, trust me.
Panty dropper for sure.

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A farmer gets on a wagon with chicken wire...

"Why does your wagon have chicken wire?", a man asks.

The farmer replies "I'm hunting chickens, so chicken wire will attract them".

The man gives him a look and says "that's not how it works."

The farmer leaves anyway.

He comes back with a wagon full of chickens.

T...

The Wire Brush

An Army officer decides to inspect soldiers recovering in one of the field hospitals he commands. He marches into one of the tents, goes up to the first private he sees and barks, "What's your affliction, private?" 

Standing at attention, "Venereal warts, SIR!"

He then asks, "And what ...

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An old man see a little boy walking down the street with some chicken wire in his hand.

An old man see a little boy walking down the street with some chicken wire in his hand. The old man yells out to the little boy "Hey little boy, what are you fixin' to do with that there chicken wire?" The little boy looks at the old man, thinks for a second and says "Well old man, I reckon I'm gonn...

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in to the Olympics, but they haven't got tickets.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in to the Olympics, but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus" and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and sli...

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

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Three boys with some chicken-wire...

walk down the street and pass an old man on his porch.

The old-timer asks "What are you boys doing with so much chicken-wire?"

One of the boys exclaims "We're gonna catch some chickens!"

The old man scoffs and tells them "you can't catch chickens with chicken-wire, that's not ho...

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Two Irish lads walking home from a pub...

Along the way, the older of the two starts babbling.

"You see that barn over there, Laddie? I built that barn with me own two hands. Framed it, roofed it, did it all me self. But do they call me a barn builder, Laddie? No, no they don't."

The two continue walking.

"You see that ...

I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend and re-wire the toaster.

She was shocked.

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