UPJOKE
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Three pieces of string walk into a bar.

String 1 asks for a drink for himself and one for each of his friends.

The barman says, ‘We don’t serve pieces of string here.’

So, string 1 goes back to his friends and says, ‘They don’t serve strings here’.

Then string 2 tries but gets the same result.

So string 3 gets...

Two strings walk into a bar, bartender says “Hey we don’t server your kind here, get out.” Outside one of the strings says “ I have an idea, here help me”

the string proceeds to tie himself up and then dishevels the threads at the top of his head and at his feet. The string then walks back into the bar and orders a drink, bartender looks and says “hey aren’t you that string I just threw out?”

String says “ No , I am a frayed knot!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have this incredible talent, where I can swallow two strings and poop them out tied together.

I shit you knot.

A string walks into a bar

The bartender says, “we don’t serve strings!” The string says, “cmon man I’ve had a rough day can I just get a drink and lay low?” The bartender says, “no way!” And the string leaves the bar.

The next day the string comes back to the bar. The bartender yells at him, “get the hell out of my ba...

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached

Three strings want to go into a bar But there is a sign on the door that says, “No strings allowed.”

The first string says, “I got this.” He walks into the bar, jumps up on a stool and says, “I’ll take a beer.”

The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you a string? Get out of my bar!”

So the string goes back out side.

The second string says, “Don’t worry I got this.” He walks into t...

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My wife was alarmed to find out that currently there is a tampon shortage in the US.

I said, “Someone needs to pull some strings.”

What do you get when you cross a programmer, a physicist, and a cat?

A very good grasp on strings.

Competitive kite flying was a lot of fun but I eventually had to quit.

Too many strings attached.

What’s the difference between Netflix and a Bass guitar?

Netflix has Stranger Things 4 and a Bass guitar has 4 Strange Strings.

The museum planned a special exhibit to show off their collection [Long]

The museum planned a special exhibit to show off the collection. They had a wide array of historical music instruments from as far back as the 16th century. The museum planned to arrange a concert with a harpsichord that belonged to Bach and a violin that belonged to Vivaldi, among many other instru...

A string walks into a bar.

The bartender goes, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here." The string walks out all sad and defeated, then has a great idea. He ties himself in a bow, cuts off his ends to look all pretty, and struts back into the bar.

The bartender looks at him and goes, "Hey, aren't you that string I turned ...

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Did you hear how the black market gets their hands on illegal tampons?

They had to pull some strings.

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Why do tampons have strings?

In case you need to floss after eating.

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My stomach gets upset if you feed me strings.

I shit you knot.

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Why do tampons have strings?

Because crabs like to bungee jump

Joke from a few years ago at work.

A few years ago a group of my coworkers were asking what the strings on corn is called.

I chimed in almost immediately and said "Ear hair."

If Trump is Putin's puppet why can't you see the strings?

Because he is a sock puppet.

3 strings walk into a bar and sit down at a booth.

The first string goes up to the bar and asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender says “We don’t serve strings here, you should leave.”

The string goes back to his buddies and tells them the bad news. The second string is furious, and approaches the bar, and demands 3 beers with his money...

Three Strings Walk Into a Bar

They all get a table and one of the strings says he’ll buy them drinks.

He goes up to the bar and says “Three beers please.” The bartender looks at him and says “Sorry, we don’t serve strings here.” The string says “What? You’re joking. No strings?” The bartender says “That’s right. Sorry”. T...

Two strings walk into a bar.

The bartender yells " Get out we don't serve strings" and has the bouncer throw them out.
The first string is dejected and sadly heads home.

The second string stands up, dusts himself off and decides he is gonna try again. He bends over backwards turns to the side and pushes his head and ...

My girlfriend told me she prefers No Strings Attached.

And then the removed my parachute midair b

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 steaks hanging from strings behind the bar....

So the guy ask the bartender “What’s up with those pieces of meat hanging up behind the bar?” The bartender replies “ Well if you can jump off the bar and bite into one of them your drinks are free all night! But if you miss you must buy the whole bar a round of drinks.” The guy thinks about it fo...

I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.

It's Tangled and Frozen.

A preacher buys a parrot

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23...

A piece of string walks into a bar and sits next to the bartender. He asks for a drink, but the bartender says apologetically, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

Confused, the string leaves and goes home. A few days later, he returns to the bar, this time sitting at a different end of the bar. He asks for a drink and the bartender responds,"Hey, aren't you that string from the other day? I told you, we don't serve strings here."

Dejected, the string l...

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What do elephants use as tampons?

Sheep.

Why do elephants have trunks?

Sheep don't have strings.

A bass player is playing Jazz in the street for fun when suddenly one of his strings breaks.

The Bassist is a little saddened by this, since he can't really play Jazz with only 3 strings. He contemplates whether he should go buy a replacement string, but after some time he decides it could wait and starts playing Rock instead.

He plays Rock for another hour when suddenly another stri...

Three pieces of strings walk into a bar

One string walks toward the bartender and asks for three drinks, for himself & his friends. The bartender says they don’t serve strings and refuses their order. The second string does the same thing, and also get turned down similarly.

The third string thinks for a while, and ties himsel...

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Why do tampons have strings?

Because crabs like to bungee jump too.


Told this to my friend's dad.His answer:So you can floss when you're done eating.

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Why do tampons have strings?

So vampires don't burn their fingers while making tea.

Two strings walk into a bar...

...the bartender says, "What'll it be?". The first string says, "I'll have a gin and tonic#MV*()>SDk+!^ &@P&]JEASegmentation Fault".

The second string says, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated."

Why couldn’t the strings ever win?

They could only tie

What type of joke strings you along?

A really cheesy one.

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TIL the company Tampax donates their slightly defective tampons to women's prisons

No strings attached

I’m selling a guitar for £5

No strings attached.

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A pastor taught his parrot...

A pastor taught his parrot to recite the Lord's Prayer when he pulled a string on the parrot's right leg, and to recite the 23rd psalm when he pulls a string on his left leg. The pastor was showing this to a man in the church, he pulls the right string and the parrot recites the Lord's Prayer. He pu...

My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.

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Nobody believed me when I said I can tie two strings together inside my intestines, but

I shit you knot!

I'm giving away a couple of puppets, if anyone is interested

No strings attached.

String prejudice

Three strings are walking down the street and pass a bar that has a sign that says "No Strings Allowed! "

The first string says this is BS and walks into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "you're a String" and throws him out.

This makes the second string mad AF, so he g...

My friend: I am the best at tying strings together.

Me: Know your knot!

A group of strings go on a night out

They walk up the the first bar and ask for a pint of guinness and 2 carlsbergs. The barman asks "are you a piece of string?" The string says yes. The barman tells the string "we dont serve string here". So the group walk away in a huff. The second string walks up to another bar and asks for the same...

What do Aussie bass strings say?

G'DAE!

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