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Cord Jokes

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What does a bungee cord and a hooker have in common?

They're cheap and fast, but if the rubber breaks you're fucked.

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My wife thinks deep-throating my cock is ruining her vocal cords.

I don’t know how she can say that.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly ...

My children were chewing on power cords again...

so I had to ground them. They put up some resistance at first, but firmly grasped the problem, and are conducting themselves properly now.

Scientists have finally managed to grow human vocal cords in a test tube

The results speak for themselves

My girlfriend thinks I stole her phone charger. She can only find the cord.

I told her I won’t stand for these baseless accusations.

Have you heard about the boss who got their foot stuck in an electrical cord?

>!They went on a power trip!<

I caught my son biting the electrical cord

I was shocked and grounded him. He resisted but I told him to stay positive. It's been a week, he's currently doing better and conducting himself properly.

What is the plural of an "Aux Cord"

Auxen Cord

I miss my umbilical cord..

I grew attached to it.

If there were a cord that insulted people...

It would be called a discord

What cord impresses the priests the most?

B minor

I've just found out what happens when you pull on the red cord in the disabled toilet.

It makes someone smash the door in and call you a "time-wasting prick."

I trust the doctors performing my Spinal cord bypass surgery

because they have my back.

What do Shia LaBeouf and an iPhone cord have in common?

They both have a charge for battery.

I got punched by my X-Box controller for breaking his charging cord.

He was charged with battery.

You never hear any mention of who cut the cord at Jesus' birth.

It must have been unbiblical.

My newborn son made such a fuss when the doctor cut his umbilical cord.

It seems he had really grown attached to it.

My friend has been terribly depressed since he went bungy jumping and the cord snapped.

He just hasn't bounced back.

Shout out to my spinal cord

For always having my back

Dad, do you have an AUX cord?

A son in his fathers car asked his father,
“Dad, do you have an Aux cord?”
His father responded,
“No, but would a cowbell work?”

What do you get when you cross and owl with a bungee cord?

My ass!

(For all you Kung pow lovers out there)

Did you know it's illegal for the president to use an extension cord?

That'd be an overreach of his power.

A concerned parent calls their child’s pediatrician and says, “Recently my child has started eating power cords. What should I do?”

Without missing a beat the doctor responds, “depending on the current situation at home you need to ground him until he can conduct himself appropriately!”

One of my proudest memories as a father was the day I got to cut the cord...

Needless to say my son won’t be bungee jumping again.

Pull the cord

I saw this talking muslim doll in the toy store and asked the shop owner what it was supposed to say.

'Dunno', he said, 'nobody dared to pull the cord so far'

Why was the umbilical cord sad?

He got cut from the naval base.

Just How Smart Was Einstein?

This is a TRUE STORY but hopefully you will find some humor in it.

Back in the early 70s, when I was a college student, I took care of the yard of a lonely widower, named Arthur, who occasionally asked me to join him for a game of chess. He resided in Paradise Valley, AZ. During WWII, Arth...

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Little Johnny is in grade two class when the teacher says, "Okay boys and girls, today we are going to learn a new word."

She writes the word on the chalkboard and asks, "Who knows how to say our new word?"
Little Johnny, who is sitting in the back, puts his hand up and yells, "Oh, I know, I know, pick me, pick me!"
The teacher knows Little Johnny is a troublemaker, and he will probably say something silly, s...

A priest is buying a used lawnwoer

\*lawnmower

He inspects it and asks owner how does it start. "Very simple, you pull the cord and if it doesn't start right away keep pulling and start swearing." The priest is shocked. "I'm a man of the cloth. I may have sworn when I was younger but by now I've forgotten how." "Oh don't worr...

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Preacher

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached loudly, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several jerks and circles, a little girl i...

Mexico

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.” The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insu...

Did you hear about the guy whose vocal cords were damaged in an accident, so they had to do a transplant from a puppy?

He's doing okay but his voice is a little husky now.

Just before a redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him,

"Count to ten, and then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up."

The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened.

He pulled the sec...

My friend asked me if I ever missed the idea of being in the womb. I said "The only thing I'd miss was my umbilical cord....."

I was very attached to it.

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Skydiving (long)

Once there was a man who decided to fulfil his lifelong dream and go skydiving. So he went to the airport and signed up for a class. Upon arriving for the class, he discovered that the teacher was an elderly Indian gentleman. (East Indian, not Native American)

"Good day, good day everyone and...

Guy is nervous about sky diving.

The diving instructor tells him "When you hit altitude just pull the chute cord and you'll be fine."

Guy asks, "What if that doesn't work?"

Instructor says, "Then pull the reserve."

Guy, still nervous, "okay but what if that doesn't work"

"OK, listen, if that fails just l...

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

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An Irishman buys a chainsaw...

Paddy goes to the tool store to buy a chainsaw.

The storekeeper says " this model will cut 60 trees a day".

"Fine," says Paddy, I'll take it now".

The next day, Paddy returns to the store. "You said this chainsaw would cut 60 trees a day, I'm only able to cut 40?"

The st...

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A man gets a call from a doctor...

...who informs him that he needs to get to the hospital ASAP as his wife has been involved in a very serious traffic collision. The man gets to the hospital and is met at the doors by the Doctor. "Don't tell me she's dead, doc", says the man, "I don't think I could live without my wife, I can't thin...

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked to measure the volume of a basketball

The mathematician grabs a cord to measure its circumference and from there works out its volume.

The physicist pushes the basketball into a bucket of water and measures the water displacement.

The engineer looks it up on the catalog.

Brand new Grandson

My brand new baby Grandson's cord fell off today. Mom says he's officially wireless!

Young Jimmy is taking skydiving lessons

After his lessons he decides he is ready for the real deal. The instructor and Jim go up in the plane to the altitude. Then, the instructor says, "when you jump, count to 10 and pull the cord. If that fails pull the backup cord. There will be a black van waiting for you at the bottom." Jimmy agrees ...

I was always afraid of dying alone, so thanks for being with me in my final moments.

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

A Democrat and a Republican go skydiving

A Democrat and a Republican go skydiving. The Democrat jumps out of the plan and pulls his cord the parachute opens and he begins to softly float towards the ground. Seconds later the Republican jumps out of the plane. He pulls the main cord and nothing happens..he pulls his emergency cord and ag...

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Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. St. Peter comes out to greet them.

"Sorry about this guys," says St. Peter. "God didn't realize just how many people would get into heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it's sad or interesting enough, I'll let you in."

He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bo...

A Chinese coin joke

Boy meets girl in a club. After the usual preliminaries and some vertical dancing, they go back to her place for the horizontal kind. As they are madly undressing each other, she sees he's wearing a Chinese coin on a leather cord around his neck. "What's this about, tiger?", she asks. He gives h...

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A man runs into a store.

He approaches the shopkeeper and exclaims, “Help! help! I’ve met a beautiful girl, but she’s trapped at the bottom of a well.”

The shopkeeper reaches behind the counter and pulls out a long cord. “Here throw this down the well and use it to pull her up” he says.

The man thanks him and...

A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving

A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving to make the most of his time left. He goes up in a plane, jumps out, pulls the rip cord, and nothing happens. He pulls the rip cord on the backup parachute, and nothing happens. He says, "Good thing the doctor told me I had six month...

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I’ll never forget my grandpas last words...

“Quit messing around with my life support cord you twat”

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Mr. Johnson has been having constant headaches ever since his teenage years. For years and years his doctor tries to cure him, but the headaches only get worse and worse.

Finally, one day, the doctor asks Mr. Johnson to undress. After inspecting Mr. Johnson's body, he sees the problem.

"You have an extremely rare condition," explains the doc. "Your testicles are pressed up against your spinal cord, giving you headaches. This condition has no known cause and on...

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Customer satisfaction

Don't think I've seen this posted here so here goes

A company executive decided to have lunch at this restaurant with rave reviews. He sat down at a table and noticed that every waiter had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He called a waiter over to ask him about this.

'I noticed somethin...

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The computer is connected to watt?

A man calls tech support and says, "I unplugged my space heater, and then my computer just blacked out!"

Tech support: Is the power strip that your computer's plugged into still lit?

User: Yes

Tech support: What happens if you move the mouse or press a key?

User: Noth...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

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A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

The man says, “D.D.D.D.D. Doctor. I.I.I.I. I can’t stop st.st.st. stuttering. P.P.P.P.P. Please help.”

After a thorough exam, the doctor tells the man, “We’ve found that your penis is 14 inches long and weighs 3 pounds. The strain of t...

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A punjabi joke (NSFW) Long

An punjabi paratrooper’s mum has a dream that his son’s parachute doesn’t open and he falls to his death. She pleads with him to not go to work today. He says “Mum ! I can’t just not turn up, it’s army after all . I will however request my sergeant to spare me the jump today”

As planned he a...

Scientists have accidentally created immortal frogs

While running experiments, they decided to cut some of the frogs vocal cords.
Ever since then, the frogs just wont croak

Two Americans decide to start a bungee jumping business in Mexico.

They're almost done setting up on a bridge by a city but first they have to test to see if the cord will work.

So one of the men ties the cord to himself, jumps off, and comes back up with scratches on his face.

So they get a shorter cord and the same guy tests it again.

Before ...

A parachutist is plummeting to Earth

Because her ripcord malfunctioned.

As she frantically pulls at the defective cord, she passes a man atop a stove traveling the opposite way.

She yells out to him, “Hey, do you know how to fix a parachute!?”

He replies back “No! Do you know anything about repairing gas lines??”

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Three men are climbing a mountain...

Three men are climbing a mountain. As they are going over a particularly narrow and dangerous path a strong wind gust blows them over the mountain ridge and they start falling in a deep canyon.

Luckily on the way down the first man manages to grab a branch of a small tree growing from the sid...

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A patient had a terrible stuttering problem

and the doctor realized it was due to the man’s 15 inch penis pulling on his vocal cords.

The doctor talks the man into removing 5 inches of the penis and freezing it in case the man ever decided to have it re-attached. The surgery is a success and the man can speak stutter-free for the firs...

A ship sinks, there are three survivors…

…a Chinese guy, a British guy and an American guy.

They meet on a deserted island. Soon, they realize they have to find a wat to get off the island if they are going to survive this mess. They get together on the beach and tasks are divided. The Britton searces the island for wood to make a ...

Controversial new study in Brazil may have unlocked the key to immortality in frogs

A veterinary surgeon has successfully removed the vocal cords of a green tree frog.

He can no longer croak....

A man calls technical support.

“Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen ...

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a man goes to his doctor ,,,

a man goes to see his doctor .

the doctor asks him " what is the reason for your visit ?"

the man answers in a very deep gravelly voice " its my voice doc , it scares my fiancee. Its okay when we are out in public or the lights are on , but the minute it gets dark or the lights go out...

One of my Irish buddies tried to develop an electric car...

It didn't have great range as he couldn't get a long enough extension cord!

I was fired from my position in the birth ward at the hospital, but I thought I was doing a great job

Everybody kept saying I was killing it whenever I wrapped the umbilical cord around the baby’s neck to pull it out more easily

I heard a fight broke out in the orchestra hall today.

Apparently someone struck a wrong cord and it led to a lot of violins.

A skydiver jumps from a plane

but nothing happens when he pulls his rip-cord. He pulls the cord on his secondary chute, but this too is broken. As he is hurdling toward the earth, he sees a man coming straight up toward him. ‘Hey!’ shouts the skydiver. ‘Know anything about parachutes?!’ ‘No!’ shouts the man. ‘Know anything abo...

A church advertises a job for a bell ringer

Several people apply and the minister decides to have auditions to see who rings the bell the best. The last applicant comes in and the minister immediately notices that he has no arms.

"Tell me, son, how do you intend to ring the bell with your disability?"

"It's no problem," the app...

A paratrooper was scared to jump..

His instructor told him, "If anything goes wrong, say, 'Buddha oh Buddha!', and you will be saved." The paratrooper jumped, and he got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So he said, "Buddha oh Buddha!" and a hand came out of the sky and saved him.


He then sighed and said, "T...

Short short joke

I'm not saying my parents were too strict or unreasonable but the second my umbilical cord was cut after birth I had to go to my room and think about what I had done.

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A man got an urgent message at work saying his wife had been in a car accident and was in the hospital.

So the man rushed to the hospital and was met in the lobby by the surgeon who had just operated on his wife.

Doctor: I'm sorry to have to tell you this sir but the damage to you wife's spinal cord was catastrophic. She'll never walk again. In fact she'll most likely be a helpless invalid for ...

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Bill is taking a skydiving class...

and he is really nervous about it. At his first jump, his instructor (Ed) is trying to calm him down.
"It's really simple Bill. You jump out, count to ten, and pull the cord."
Bill, sweating bullets responds "what if that doesn't open?"
Ed smiles and says "that is why you have a reserve c...

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A white guy in a bar goes to the toilet...

While he’s standing there a black guy comes in, stands at the next urinal, and whips out his massive dick. The white guy asks how he got it.
The black guy tells him, “Every night I tie a piece of cord around the end and pull it tight for five minutes.
The white guy thanks him and leaves. The t...

A blonde buys a chainsaw

A blonde buys a chainsaw to cut down some trees in her backyard and gets the one that sais "Guaranteed to cut down 100 trees a day" on the box.
"Great" she thinks "I only want to cut down 5 trees, but I bet this one will get the job done in no time at all!"


Three days later returns...

Three Men stand before the gates of heaven

The angel who was the keeper of the pearl gates then asks how each of the three mean died. The first man, a big burly individual said "I'd suspected my wife of cheating for some time now, so I came home early to confront her when I was positive the other man was somewhere in our apartment. And when ...

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There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pu...

What made the cable guy late?

What made the cable guy late?

There was a cord-eal

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A husband complains to his wife about their sex life

Sitting in the bedroom, the husband tells his wife:

"I can't do this anymore! We haven't had sex in years!"

"I understand. Let me show you."

So, the pair goes down to the kitchen. The husband gives an angry look to his wife:

"What's this all about?!"

"I want coffee...

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