UPJOKE
fiberclothtextilechinafabriclarvasilkwormwoolcashmerevelvetwoolenlinenpolyesterpercalenylon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my brother had this beautiful motor cycle.

So my brother had this beautiful motorcycle. For years he had that thing, shined like a diamond. It was his baby. Well, he's getting older now, just got married, has a kid on the way, big new promotion in the city, new house, the works. It's about time to settle down for him so he decided to pass it...

Two silk worms are in a wrestling match

It ended in a tie.

If Peter Parker's webs are made out of spider silk ,then what is Miles Morales webs made out of ?

Cotton.

PS: I am black , so yeah , don't fill my inbox.

Someone tried to steal my silk sheets and replace them with a cheaper fabric.

Not today, satin.

Not today.

In Hollywood they have a museum full celebrities made from wax. In China they have something similar but the celebrities are made out of silk

They are all complete fabric Asians.

An Arab walks into a bra store owned by Jewish guy.

The Arab finds a bra he likes and asks for the price. The Jewish guy being the business man that he is says "This is a great bra, it's really starting to get popular. I can sell you each for 50 bucks." The Arab guy nods and says "Sure, I'll buy 100." The next day the Arab comes back to the bra shop ...

A taxi driver and a priest are in line for heaven

The taxi driver is greeted by an angel and is given a golden staff and silk robe.

The priest, a little while later, met the angel and was given a wooden staff and paper robe.

The priest said to the angel “how am I given a wooden staff and paper robe when the taxi driver is given gold a...

A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day.
The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the cl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

polar opposites...

A father had two twin sons which he favored one over the other; one an incredible optimist and the other an astounding pessimist. For their birthdays, the pessimist got a silk shirt, a fancy pen, and a one hundred dollar bill. The optimist simply got a bag of horseshit.

Upon receiving these...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Chris Farley say when he found out Norm MacDonald was coming to Heaven?

Well La-di-freakin-da!


R.I.P. Norm. Ill miss you greatly. As a GenX kid growing up in the 80s & 90s you bought me lots of laughs, and made my shitty life a little better. Thanks so much.

And Chris, you're still missed, referenced, and thought of often. And again thanks for all ...

I made a contest to see which silkworm would produce more silk.

But it just ended up in a tie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A golfer is absolutely killing it out on the course. (Long)

He’s playing at one of those residential courses surrounded by beautiful homes.

He nails the drive on the 6th hole. He’s so excited and proud of himself that he guns his golf cart full speed ahead to get to the putting green.

He’s going so fast that he misreads a curve and ends up topp...

A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island.

Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection . Now, completely without any happiness, he started to lose his sanity. One morning, as he is lying on the beach,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it ca...

High End Restaurant

A very well dressed (tailored suit, silk tie, bespoke shoes etc) elegant older customer ordered the very best on the menu resulting in a very large tab.
At the end of the meal he was presented with the bill.
He said to the server, “I don’t know if you remember, but many years ago I was a bit d...

A man is sat in an airport bar, having a drink, waiting for his flight to be called...

As he is sitting there a stunning woman walks into the bar and sits on the bar-stool next to him. She's wearing a very smart uniform and the guy thinks "She must work for one of the top airlines".

He decides to find out which one by running some of their advertising slogans past her.

T...

It is early January of 1793. The commotion outside of the Castle of Versailles is growing louder by the minute. Louis XVI, however, is not bothered, as he is getting his new suit matched, pleated and frilled in his chambers by his favorite tailor.

"Ah yes, Poilon, superb work with the gold thread on my boot leather as per usual. And now: the silk pants with Morocco pearls."

"Y-your Majesty... I think they're breaking down the front wall."

"Nonsense! Clothe me or I shall have you beheaded!"

"Absolutely, your majesty! There...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's my cake day, so here's a long one: A mail carrier is being reassigned...

A mailman is being transferred to a new route, so he tells his customers it's his last week. On his last day, at one particular house, he rings the bell to deliver a package and a woman answers the door in a silk robe with a teddy underneath.
"I just want to thank you properly for your service...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The old Mailman

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small
commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do
something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45
years.

So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house,
and the ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pinocchio goes to Geppetto for relationship advice

"Father?" Pinocchio asks. "I have a bit of a... sensitive issue. I've been talking with my girlfriend, and we want to start... making love. Only, she's worried about getting splinters, um... *down there*. Geppetto chuckles, but offers his woodworking advice. "This is nothing some simple sand paper ...

The king of animals

So a sheep had a big house in the middle of nowhere. After some time she noticed some pigs wandering around and they asked to move in for a week or two, they promised the sheep that during those two weeks they'll help her build a small cottage she wanted right next to her house. As they were buildin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy asks his girlfriend over for dinner to meet his parents.

He tells her he will pick her up at 6 and his parents are seeing a show afterwards, so they will have the house all to themselves. She’s nervous, but also excited, so goes shopping to pick out some lingerie for their big night.

She and the chatty assistant just click and get to talking about...

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week ...

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the h...

A woman gets a call from her husband while he’s at work.

“Darling,” he says, “I just got invited by my boss to go on a weekend company fishing trip. We’re leaving right after work so would you mind packing some things for me? I’ll need my blue silk pajamas, two days worth of clothes, toiletries, my fishing pole, and my tackle box. Oh, and don’t forget my ...

People are so misunderstood about spider webs..

They think it’s like silk, but it snot

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old man Richard goes to bed

As Richard closed his eyes and dozed off, he suddenly found himself standing in front Heaven's Gates. Stunned in disbelief, Richard approaches Saint Peter in a panic.

"St. Peter! What happened, why am I in Heaven?"

"Well Richard, you've passed away in your sleep. From now on, the Gates...

A pastor and and an airline pilot meet St Nick at the Gates to Heaven. The airline pilot is first to approach the saint

Peter: Name and profession please

Pilot: John Williams, Ryanair pilot.

Peter: *riffles through a massive book* John Williams...John Williams... umm... ah yes!

Peter: clicks his fingers and a beautiful silk robe and ornate golden staff appear out of thin air.

Peter: please...

I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom.

I sprinkled some more over the bed.

I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table.

I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening she's ever had, I was slightly...

The Pilot and the Priest

A pilot and a priest have died and are waiting in line outside the gates of Heaven for entry. When they reach the front of the line, St. Peter beckons the pilot forth.

"Who are you, so I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" he asks.

"I am Joe Dohn of Los Ange...

IRS summons [NSFW]

A businessman comes home, turns to the wife and says:

Honey, I received a subpoena from the IRS regarding the late submission statement!

Do you think I should go in jeans or in business suit?

Well, dear... I tell you the same thing my mother said to me when I asked her if on the...

Nice Car!

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes...

A Russian man, an Italian man, and a Jewish man all move into town.

A Russian man, an Italian man, and a Jewish man all move into town. They all want to start their own business, so each of them goes to the richest man in town and asks for a loan.
The Russian man asks, "I want to start my own business here, and I need a loan of $20,000". The rich man replies, "...

A close shave

A man dressed impeccably, in the finest Italian suit, a silk tie and matching leather shoes walked into a shabby barbershop and enquired apprehensively.
"I have a very important meet in an hour and I need the closest shave possible, I do not want a hint of growth anywhere. Do you think you can d...

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.


A preacher is next in line behind the cabby...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mosquito had a very tough upbringing

His father was an alcoholic. Many afternoons his father would come drunk and beat his wife and only son, John. John was traumatised by his father’s acts. Every day when he went to school he would cry. Everyday he thought himself that he will be a better mosquito than his father one day.

He c...

A priest dies and goes to heaven and is met by Peter at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter gives him a wooden staff and a cotton robe and he is allowed in.

As he goes in, he sees a taxi cab driver talking to peter, and Peter gives the taxi cab a gold staff and a silk robe, so the priest goes back to peter and asks.

"Hey, what gives? I did God's work, how come he...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

So this guy has a pair of bunnies

So this guy has a pair of bunnies, and the bunnies are really old. One day he wakes up and both the bunnies have died. He's really sad, and he can't stand the thought of never seeing them again, so he puts them in a silk-lined box and takes them down to the local taxidermy shop. He sets the box on t...

Ole has not been satisfying Lena lately, so he goes off to the doctor

When he comes back he is wearing pinstripe trousers, ruffled shirt with silk tie, a frock coat and a tall hat. He has a huge gold pocket watch and is smoking a cigar the size of a dachshund, and he is leaning on a silver-mounted ebony walking stick.

"Ole!" yells Lena, "what on earth are you d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patc...

A kindergarten teacher is reviewing with her students

"What does the bee give us?", he asks,
"Honey!", say the kids,
"And what does the caterpillar give us?", he says,
"Silk!", they say,
"And what does the cow give us?",
"Homework!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dad walks in on his daughter in the bedroom with her boyfriend tying her up to the four post bed...

"Dad!" She screams, "I'm Sorry!"

"Hi, Sorry, I'm Dad." turning to the boyfriend, who's standing there holding a silk tie in his hands

"Are you fucking sorry?"

"No, I'm just here, re-posting"

Bob is walking down the street when he says his old friend John passing in a brand new Rolls Royce

On seeing his old friend, John pulls over to say hello.

Bob sees the Rolls Royce and exclaims," Wow, how did you get the great car?"

John says," So I was going out for a walk on a sunny afternoon when a beautiful woman pulled over in this Rolls Royce and asked if I wanted a lift, so I ...

How to get there faster

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their pl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,


Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.


See them gathered together, by calling divine


to fashion a vulva of peerless design.


The first man, a butcher of eminent skill


took a hold of his bla...

It's the mail mans last day after 30 years of taking mail to the same neighborhood.

At the first door he came to, the family gave him $25 and wished him the best of luck for the future. This made him very happy.'

At the second door he came to, the family gave him $50 which made him happier.

At the third door he came to, there was a blonde in a silk night suit. She gra...

A priest and a taxi driver go to heaven

While they're at the pearly gates God talks to them about their time in Earth. When he's done talking to the cab driver, he hands him a gold staff and a beautiful silk robe as he walks in

Once he's finished with the priest however, he hands him a wooden staff and a cotton robe. The priest say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman dies and gets to meet StPeter

Peter knows of the mans history and so offers him either, he enters hell for all eternity OR he can climb the “Ladder to success” a literal golden ladder.

Of course he chooses to climb.
StPeter imposes his terms, once you leave one level of the ladder you may only go up.

So agree...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Hindu, a Jew, and a TV Preacher...

A Hindu, Jew, and televangelist are traveling together when it starts getting dark. They see a ranch in the distance and decide to ask the rancher if they can spend the night.

They knock at the door. "Do you mind if we sleep in your barn tonight?"

"Well sure but you don't all have to....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

French, Italian and Russian are talking about their sex lives

French says: "When I get down with my woman, I can get her satisfied. I just slowly undress her latest Parisian fashion garments, and softly whisper of all the dirty things I will do to her. When I get going, she screams all night."

Italian replies: "That's nothing. When my lady and I start t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are travelling through a desert...

... They come upon a tent, and inside is a group of 72 beautiful virgin women that are scantily clothed. The men decide to get friendly with the girls, and not too long afterwards a man adorned in golden jewelry and exotic silks steps into the tent with body guards flanking him. "What are you doing ...

The Big Horse Race

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:

They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey ...

The Scottsman

Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked the he'd drunk more than his share
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet
And he stumbled off in to the grass to sleep beside the street

About that time two young and lovely...

The Surgeon and the Plumber

A world-famous and very dignified surgeon called a plumber to fix the flooded bathroom in his office.

When the plumber arrived, he was carrying an extra set of used overalls. The dapper, impeccably groomed and expensively dressed doctor smirked in a condescending way and said: "Do you usually...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's this guy Doug.

There's this guy Doug and he just moved into this new neighborhood. He asks his neighbor down the street if there's any places he should check out.

"Well dude I know of this one place down on 36th where you can pay $20 to have five guys kick the hell of you. It's painful at first but afterwar...

A cabbie and a priest die at the same time

... and arrive at the gates of heaven. St. peter looks at the cabbie's records and exclaims, "welcome to heaven good sir!" before giving him a golden silk robe and keys to a villa.

Looking at the spectacle in front of him, the priest thinks he's set. When he arrives, St. Peter looks at his c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob goes to Vegas

Bob went to Las Vegas and won big, really big. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms; This is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what you have won. After winning half a million dollars at roulette, the casino gives Bob a ...

A priest is waiting at the gates of heaven

In front of him in line is an old man in well worn jeans and an equally worn leather jacket. The old man get's to the front of the line and St. Peter says "state your name and occupation please"

He says "Simon Burch, NYC taxi driver for 30 years"

St. Peter checks his list and smiles, "...

Funeral director joke

A man died one day and his wife went to the funeral home to make the necessary arrangements. The funeral home director asked her if there's anything she thinks her husband would have wished for his funeral.

"Actually there is something", she said. "We've always had this plan that one day we'l...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.