- Hello. I want to return the robot vacuum cleaner I bought from you a week ago. The agreement allows it?

\- Yes, just tell me what you didn't like, we will inform the manufacturer.

\- Everything is in order, I just no longer need a vacuum cleaner. After he sucked the cat three times, My cat learned to use a brush, rag, scoop, and report a full bin.

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words...

...there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement

In the end you ignore it all and click I agree

My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused,

I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions.

An ancient married couple visits a divorce attorney

"So you want to get divorced? Exactly how long have you been married?" the lawyer asks.

The husband looks out the window and mumbles "72 years".

The lawyer raises his eyebrows and asks "So, uh, why is it that you want to do this?"

The man replies "Because we *hate* each other...

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,

and I don’t try to run mine.

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I met a sorceress in the desert once

She told me I could have all the churned dairy products and preserved fruit I could ever want, but first I had to marry her and sign a legally binding agreement that she would get it all back if we ever got divorced

Until that day I'd never believed the legends of the prenup butter and jelly ...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

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A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender for a Jack and coke. The bartender says “I’ve got you” and hands him an apple.
“Youve got to be joking” said the man
“Just do it. Trust me” said the bartender

The man shrugged. What could be the harm in eating an apple anyway? He took a satisfying crunch from the...

A woman pregnant with twins went into labor suddenly, and fell unconscious during the delivery. The hospital contacted the father and he arrived quickly, just in time to witness the birth of his children.

His wife had not woken up yet, when the hospital staff asked the father what to name his new son and daughter. They had tried for months to decide on the perfect names, but couldn’t reach an agreement, so he did the best he could. When the mother regained consciousness, the father let her know what ...

The UK is really taking the Paris Climate Agreement seriously.

Yesterday they voted to become Corbyn-neutral by 2020.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

Romie couldn’t take his eyes off of Julie

and so one day he plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date. He told her to meet him at the new fancy Italian restaurant at 7pm.

Romie got their early and Julie arrived at bang on 7pm as agreed. They both walk in to the restaurant and the waiter takes them to a romantic table alone in ...

There's three nuns who want to quit being nuns, so they approach the head nun and ask, "Head nun, what can I do to stop being a nun?"

The head nun replies, "You each must commit one sin tonight then come back tomorrow and drink from a cup of holy water. Only then will you not be a nun anymore."

So the three nuns nod their heads in agreement and leave to go sin. When they come back the next day, the head nun asks the first n...

Three men die and appear before Buddha...

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

\-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forwa...

Why shouldn’t you make a agreement with wolverine ?

Because of his retractable Clause

ME AS AN INDIAN RESTAURANT WAITER:

I can show you how we make our bread, but I'll need to you sign a Naan-Disclosure Agreement first.

It's a Catholic thing.

Sullivan & Duffy were sitting outside their favorite pub in a village in Ireland, having a few pints. Just across the street is a house of ill repute and the two Irishmen were just enjoying their libations as they watched the people walking by. After a little while the Methodist minister hap...

This woman goes to her doctor complaining about her husbands anger, as he seems to just flip out on her and lose his temper constantly...

...the doctor makes a suggestion, "Ok, here's what I want you to do, anytime that you feel like your husband is about to get flip out, I want you to go the kitchen, pour yourself a glass of water, and then take a swig and keep swilling it around your mouth until he calms down"...

The woman, p...

What do you call an agreement between two forests?

A tree-ty!

Due to new trade agreements, China becoming increasingly concerned about running out of oil.

No big supplies there.

My girlfriend is treating our relationship like a written agreement.

This isn't what I signed up for.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch. The first bull growled, "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows!" The second bull snorted, "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows!"

The third grunted in agreement, "I've only been here a year and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows!"

Just then, an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen.

At 4,70...

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[NSFW] Being from the UK, my wife and I were discussing the withdrawal agreement last night.

We both agreed, she'll have it on her tits.

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A man books an appointment for an abnormally large penis

He books the appointment with doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man mus...

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A communist spy and an American spy are camping out in opposite buildings on Moscow.

Each one knows the other is there but thinks the other does not know that they are there. After hours of spying each one decides they need to go out for some fresh air. However, since both would be easily recognized they decide to put on disguises. The Communist, a female, puts on an elaborate mal...

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A gambler dies and goes to haven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

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A mariner and a woman meet in a bar in New York City...

She says "I have always wanted to visit Europe, but I can't afford a ticket."

The seaman tells her he will sneak her onto his ship, bring her food and water every day until they get to a European port in exchange for sex. She agrees.

The mariner sneaks her onto the ship and hides ...

WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs

… as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.

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So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

If two alligators have reach an agreement...

... do they have a crocodeal?

Two brothers and their donkeys

Two brothers argue on which of the two donkeys is theirs,
so the first man says, ” I’ll cut an ear off of my donkey and the donkey with only one ear will be mine you take the other one”. So they come to an agreement. At night the donkey with one ear looks at the other donkey with two ears in jea...

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where all occupants in a car had been killed

As he looked through the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey, let out a deep sigh and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"Wait, You can under...

Russia, U. K. and U.S.A. just signed a monetary agreement.

A pound of rubles will cost a dollar.

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A criminal gets arrested. NSFW

After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before.
"First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What ...

Listening to your wife is like reading iTunes' user agreement...

... you don't understand anything, but you still agree with it.

The US in the Paris Agreement

[removed]

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A woman makes a deal with the Devil to gain wealth and power, but doesn't want to go to Hell.

The Devil makes a little rule for the woman. She happily agrees and thus, the contract is sealed.

She goes onto be the best stockbroker in her city, giving her a near bottomless checkbook and connections to lawmakers, celebrities, anyone with even a scrap of power in the city.


Almo...

Car accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothin...

I don't see why the Paris agreement is such a big deal

Thousands of guys have pulled out of Paris before

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They should change the name of The Paris Agreement to "The Weekend Golfing Trip."

Trump would never pull out of that.

Shoe Store

When I was young my parents started up a shoe store, which wasn’t overly successful but they made ends meet. Due to various economic pressures they had to outsource labour overseas to China. My father, Bob, could speak Mandarin so always conversed with the manager of the production plant in their na...

In 1991, a country banned expressions of surrender, acceptance, or agreement.

That marked the fall of the "So be it" Union.

Why was the iPhone wearing glasses?

It lost all its contacts.





Part of my WFH agreement is that I have to check in with my Director (I'm IT PM) every day, so rather than just saying "morning - I'm on!" I am sending her a silly IT joke :D Any good suggestions?

Nicaragua just signed the Paris Climate Agreement, leaving the US and Syria as the only nations not in the agreement.

It's interesting. One of these countries is a corrupt, remote wasteland headed straight into chaos, pitting religious fundamentalists headed by a crooked tyrant against the majority of the people, and the other one is Syria.

"All STEM graduates are ignorant fools who know nothing beyond their field!" Proclaims a journalism major, and an STEM graduate nodded in agreement

while nodding, the STEM graduate took the coffee handed to him by the journalism major, then walked out of the starbucks and back to his Mercedes.

Arguing with my wife is like reading an End User License Agreement

I don't understand much of what she's saying and end up clicking on 'I Agree' anyway

2 Old Farmers

Two old farmers have each 1 big meadow and only 1 sheep.

One farmer proposes to remove the fence between their meadows because the sheep are both lonely. The second farmer agrees, however he wonders how they could tell which sheep belongs to whom.
The first farmer comes up with the idea ...

Trump only pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement because he was standing up for his own kind

After all, he is just a load of hot air

A mechanic and a Doctor are talking

The mechanic and doctor are good friends hanging out when the mechanic says

"You know our jobs are similar. We both have to study symptoms, run diagnostics, and repair/replace faulty parts." The doctor nods in agreement. "So why do you make so much more than us?"

The doctor smiles and ...

Did you hear that Donald Trump ripped up the Paris Agreement today?

Unfortunately he grabbed the wrong one, and now the US is a British colony again.

There was a married couple named Cody and Vicky.

After being together for 5 years, they decided to have a baby. After numerous attempts Vicky gets pregnant. 7 months into the pregnancy they start to think about baby names. Neither of them could come to an agreement so they decided to combine their names for the baby's name.

That was almost ...

Why did Bill Clinton sign the NAFTA agreement? [NSFW]

He loves a giant sucking sound.

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Couple talking a walk

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. As they walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback ...

Once Upon A Time there was a International Poets Contest. All the poets from across the lands came to compete bringing there best original work to compete against their peers. For 40 days and nights they competed eliminating Poet after Poet.

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they ha...

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Three Men are on a Journey Through the Desert ...

A Generation X'er, a Boomer, and a Millennial are embarking on a desert journey. They have each been allowed to bring one item for survival.

The X'er was asked, "What did you bring?".
"I don't lack in intellect. I brought food so that we can eat if we are hungry

The others nodded ...

What did Caesar say when was in agreement?

I came. I saw. I concurred.

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What happens when a husband and wife both want a baby?

They cum to an agreement.

We were at Kyle's place last week and had an idea

You know how everyone has occasionally had the great idea to try and snort assorted things? Like pixie stix and rock candy? That's where this story takes place.

Somehow the topic of conversation wandered to the effects of cocaine and other substances on the nostrils. The attention seeker of t...

Did you hear about the contracts the Indian restaurant made their employees sign?

They were naan-disclosure agreements

The curse

There is a prince who has a curse where he can only say one word a year but if he goes a year without talking he gets to say two words the next year and so on and so on.
One day he meets a beautiful princess who asks he wants to go to the ball with her one day, the prince nods his head in agreeme...

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So there's these three guys coming out of the golf clubhouse on a Friday night.

The gentlemen see a lady shooting left-handed on the practice green nailing 20 foot putts like it was nothing, so the guys ask, "Hey do you want to play a quick round?"

The Lady replies, "Sorry fellas, I just finished playing, but if you come back tomorrow morning at 10:00am, we can play a ro...

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A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom...

The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing"

The brother nods in agreement.

"When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old.

The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for brea...

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A pessimist and a nihilist walk into a bar.

A pessimist and a nihilist walk into a bar.
The bartender asks them for their drink orders. The pessimist says “Even if you make me your best drink, I’m sure it’ll be disappointing. Go ahead, anything you make is going to be shit.”

The nihilist says, “I’ll have what he’s having but make m...

Co-parenting

Wife to Husband, explaining the importance of coparenting the children: “it is important that when kids hear their parents, they hear one voice.”

(Husband nodding in agreement)

Wife: “..and that voice should be mine”.

A Lobster Walks Into a Bar

He goes up to the bartender and says: "Look, before you can serve me, I need to advise you that I'm a lawyer."

"Blimey... A lobster lawyer? That is impressive," says the bartender.

The Lobster puts his briefcase up on the bar, deftly opens it with his claws, and produces a document tha...

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Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of the...

What sort of document do you have to sign before you can work in a convent?

A Nun-Disclosure Agreement

A man walks into a bar.

The bartender greets him with, "How about a drink?"

"Thanx. Vodka."

The bartender brings it. "That'll be $5."

"Wait! You offered me a drink and I accepted. Nobody said anything about money."

The man next to him speaks up. "I'm a lawyer and, technically, you entered i...

The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.

Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on ...

Two Irishmen were walking down a street in London.

Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive!"

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are. Suits £10, Shirts £4, Trousers £5, I think that we should buy the lot and take...

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Three men die within 10 seconds of each other...

...go to heaven, and are greeted by Saint Peter at the gates. Saint Peter says,
"Our apologies, but due to logistics constraints, only one man can be let into heaven at a time. The man with the most interesting story goes first."
The men mumble agreement, and the first man says;
"Well, I've...

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Two Whales

A male and a female whale were swimming along the coast of Japan and noticed a whaling ship not too far from them.

The male whale gets angry at the sight of the ship because his father was killed by whalers a few years ago. He decides that he wants payback. He turns to the female whale and...

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A CEO gathers his staff..

10 Male employees are present in the convention room. The CEO clears his throat and starts the meeting: *"Good afternoon gentlemen. As you know, I am leaving for my business meeting tomorrow and will be absent for 10 days."*

The employees are all nodding in agreement.

The CEO pauses ...

The leaders of Russia, North Korea and the United States fly up to the international space station...

Upon their arrival, they all marvel at the view of the earth from such magnificent heights. They begin to toss around ideas of ways they could all benefit from the ISS.

The Russian leader talks about all of the opportunities to use imaging to spy on people from outerspace. The other leaders ...

A group of seniors were sitting at a table together at Starbucks, discussing their ailments.

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! W...

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A Greek and an Indian were drinking tea one day, discussing who had the superior culture...

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Indian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we invented the number 0.”

And so on and so on unt...

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

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You're lucky it wasn't the black horse!

About a month ago I was driving to my mothers house late on a Friday evening. It was pitch black, so I had the lights on high beam, and I was driving along a country road when all of a sudden my engine cut out. So I pulled over and got out to have a look - sometimes I can fix it myself. It was very ...

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A ship goes out to sea and crashes.

6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island.
Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and sexually deprived.
So they come to this agreement.
All of the men will marry the one woman for a week. ...

Every time a new Pope is elected...

...there are a lot of rituals in accordance with tradition. Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velv...

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A rich man and a poor man were sitting at the bar, having a few drinks

They got to chatting and after a while, realised both of their wedding anniversaries were the next day.

Poor man : What did you get your wife then, for tomorrow?

Rich man : I got her a pink ferrari and a diamond ring.

Poor man : Wow, what made you choose those gifts?

...

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A poop walks into a bar.

He jumps up onto a bar stool and sits there for a moment, waiting to be served.

The barman spots the poop on the stool, looks around the bar and shouts, "HEY! How did this get here?!"

"Well, it's a long story... " says the poop, "basically, I woke up in the sewer last year and sudden...

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An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

An engineer dies and goes to Hell.

An engineer dies and goes to Hell.

"Welcome to my domain!" Satan says, with a malicious grin and a nod to the lava pools and torture devices. "I hope it's to your liking."

"It's alright," the engineer says. "But it could do with some improvements. I'd be happy to help if you give me go...

Happy marriage

One day a young man asks his grandfather, "How have you and Grandma had successful marriage?"

The old man replies "When we first got married we made a very important agreement. As the man, I would handle all of the big important decisions. Then she would handle all the smaller less importan...

OP meets a talking crow

One day OP decides to get off reddit for a bit and go for a nice leisurely walk. After walking for a few hours he pauses at a park bench and sits down to collect his thoughts.

A crow lands on the bench beside him and takes him off guard by saying hello.

“Are... are you a talking crow?...

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