On a daily basis, what usually goes through an American student's mind?

Bullets.

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Remember: Sex on a regular basis

Helps keep your memory alive and strong.

I wish you all a great 2016.

I'm pretty bad at the dab, but I still do it on a regular basis

I guess you could say I dabble

I am one of the few Redditors that bathes on a semi-regular basis.

Which is another way of saying I'm not a mod.

Why are baking recipes so secretive?

They're on a knead the dough basis

What did Louis CK call his style of management where he interacts with each employee on an individual basis?

Different Strokes for Different Folks

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A man dies and goes to Hell...

Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis.



One day, the man comes up with his dar...

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So a guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I...

My ex left me because I'm "too much of a corporate scumbag".

I'm holding interviews for the new vacancy if anyone's interested.

Full-time, permanent basis.

Contact me via email.

In 1964, a couple of former St. Louis Cardinals baseball stars were on vacation in Wales....

Red Schoendienst and Stan Musial decided to head to the UK on vacation with their wives after the 1964 Major League Baseball season. The two had retired as players the year before and had just finished their first full season as members of the staff - Musial as vice president, Schoendienst as a coa...

Karen served wild mushrooms to the church group.

A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-sm...

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A woman in her 50's gets plastic surgery on a regular basis, now she's back at her surgeons office yet again.

The doctor politely states that "Since you are regularly getting nips, tucks, and lifting done you would be a perfect candidate for an experimental procedure that would all but eliminate the need for further operations." The woman is intrigued.


"What we do is install a small knob...

So my genetics professor reported this morning that diarrhea has a genetic basis

According to her, it runs in our jeans.

A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel who shows him around the place

"Over there is a local restaurant, it's guaranteed to have your favorite meal there" said the angel

"And over there is a theater, and to the left, there's a swimming pool"

The angel soon finishes the tour and finds that the man is overjoyed.

The angel had one more thing to say t...

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I like mixing laxatives and nitrous oxide on a regular basis, but it's OK...

...I only do it for shits and giggles.

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we...

What do you call a doctor who studies tumors on an as-needed basis?

An oncallogist

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What is the difference between your job and your wife

Your job fucks you on a regular basis

Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio

The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

Im so bad at confrontation

I lose arguments with myself on a daily basis.

Two old men are having an argument over which one of them has lived their life to it's fullest

The first man, old, wrinkled and his scalp topped with few white strains of hair, proclaims:
>"I have only been able to achieve my proud age of 98 through a steadily upheld 6 hour workout routine on a daily basis. I may have lost some time, but it was completely worth it."

The second m...

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As a Muslim redditor, I feel disappointed...

That my posts never blows up.

Edit 1: Everyone says that my jokes are the bomb, but still this shit didn't explode.

Edit 2: KA-BOOOM!

Edit 3: For those wondering, I am a Muslim for real and I find this shit funny af so chill out guys, no need to hate on religions, we're at /r/jo...

My dad is like the reposts on this sub.

I see him on a regular basis and he stopped being funny a long time ago.

I knew a girl who sold her body when times were tough.

She did it on a need-to-ho basis.

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Mountain Moonshine

Tom worked at a popular bar in New York City and had to deal with a lot of shitty people on a daily basis. To get away from everyone he decided to take a vacation far out west to find peace and solitude; a place where no one would bother him.

He rented a cabin deep in the wilds of Montana, w...

Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment,

and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.

Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.

It's called natural selection.

How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?

On a queso by queso basis.

A frog walks into a bank looking to get a loan.

He walks up to the first teller available, Mrs Whack.
“Mrs Whack, I would like a loan”
“But you are a frog!?!”

“Yup, I just need a small loan though, I just want to buy my own lily pad.”

“Okay, well what is your name?”

“Kermit”

“You aren’t Kermit the fro...

I asked my local baker for her amazing bread recipe.

She said it's on a knead to dough basis.

Most people like to make relevant points, but I for one

Is the basis of Roman numerals

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What's the difference between a C-SPAN cameraman and a pornography cameraman?

The porno cameraman sees fewer ass holes on a daily basis.

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Two alcoholics are drinking at a bar

It's Tuesday, and they've been there the day before as well.

One of them asks

"George, what are we doing here?"

"I don't know Robert, maybe it's because we made the wrong choice when we were young, maybe we got too involved in drinking and not enough in studying, and know it's t...

How does an alcoholic decide how much beer to drink?

On a case-by-case basis.

I’m working on a top secret project using honey to create alcohol

It’s on a mead to know basis.

We should clone Terry Crews and arm his horde of clones to wage war on our enemies

He could form the basis for a new milli-Terry

I whispered to my kids, "Have you all heard about the top secret bakery?"

They all looked at me blankly, so I replied, "I didn’t think so, it’s on a knead to dough basis."

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The Monk's Secret

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a st...

Bernie Sanders isn't a Messiah.

He's just a Jewish guy sacrificing himself to save millions from their own sin and ignorance while being insulted the entire time. Clearly no basis for a religion.

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three psychologists confess secrets to each other.

The first says "Hate to admit it, but I fuck my patients on a regular basis. I'll fuck men and women, hell, one time I fucked this chick's dog!"

the second psychologist said "I also hate to admit this, but I'm a thief. I overcharge my clientelle, rip them off, and last week I stole a 20 out o...

My granddad was a wise man...

...he told me that you can't find happiness all by yourself. To live a truly happy life you need to be in a fulfilling relationship. You need to find a wife that loves you unconditionally, a wife that challenges you on a daily basis, a wife that you always want to make love to and most importantly y...

A gambler invites two friends, a mathematician and an engineer, to the casino to try and score big with their help.

The mathematician suggests blackjack, as with card counting it's the only game where the house doesn't have an advantage. The engineer agrees for the same reason, but warns, that since this is the real world, to be wary of the casino getting wise to them. The gambler follows the advice of his intell...

As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made.

His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.

In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair.

The dentist was shocked that it ...

I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events

Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog.

When the doctor told me having a Colostomy would improve my grammar, I didn't believe him.

But it was true; I now use a semi-colon on a regular basis.

A staff member once said..

The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different heroes.

As for cost, we selected initial values based upon data from the Open Beta and other adjustments made to milestone rewards before launch. Among other things, we're looking at average p...

A baker approaches a crime scene and asks the cop what happened...

"Sorry, that's on a knead to dough basis."

When I was in China, everybody always told jokes about cow's milk.

I would hear them on a dairy basis.

Idiots

A wife is sitting at home when a breaking news report appears on the TV stating there is a deranged man driving 100 mph on the freeway against traffic during rush hour. Remembering that this is the same route her husband drives home on a daily basis, the shocked and terrified woman quickly grabs the...

Bread is classified information!

It's on a knead-to-dough basis.

Bakers trade bread recipes...

on a knead-to-know basis.

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Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident.

He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.


"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.


"Yes sir, what's happened?...

A fellow in a bar.....

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, comes in on a regular basis. After 2 weeks of seeing her in the bar, He makes a move on her.

"No thank you" she politely declined his advances
This may sound rather odd in this day & age, but I am keeping myself pure until I meet the man...

In a shelter for abused women.

My husband used to beat me on regular basis. Sometimes, he would get his drinking mates and they would stand one after another to beat me. But one day I said to myself: get a grip woman, enough is enough. So when my husband and his mates collapsed drunk, I run away to this shelter. After 6 mon...

God gathers the leaders of every nation

to tell them that the world is going to end in a week, and that they must inform their countrymen and women. Shocked, the leaders return home wondering how to best break the news. The next day, they all hold press conferences.

Barack Obama: "I have some good news and some bad news. The good ...

A hooded bank robber burst into a bank demanding cash

Once his bags were full he started making his way out when a brave soldier ripped his mask off and sees his face. The robber, realizing his face has been exposed, shoots and kills him dead. The robber turns around and sees a bank teller looking him in the eyes so he walks up to him and shoots him ...

Bakers have a weird way of trading bread recipes.

Its done on a knead to know basis. Gotta get the dough somehow

President Bush is sitting in a Cabinet meeting...

One of his intelligence officers enters and tells him, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

The President exclaims, "Oh my God!" and buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet is shocked. The President receives reports like this on a daily basis, and doesn't flin...

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A day in the life of a dick

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his next door neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy and his owner beats him on a daily basis.

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A man goes to visit his grandpa in hospital..

A man goes to visit his grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you ...

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Best Cricket Joke Ever!

(Incident described in "From the Pavilion End" by
Harold "Dickie" Bird)

"Bomber" Wells, a spin bowler and great character,
played for Glocuestershire and Nottinghamshire. He
used to bat at No.11 since one
couldn't bat any lower. Of him, they used to
paraphrase Compton's famous ...

A jury finds a man not-guilty in court...

During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"
The judge replied: "Temporary insanity".
To which...

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An old widow was searching for love

...when she decided to move her search online. There, she found an old man about her age, who had also lost his spouse years earlier. They exchanged a few messages and decided to meet one day in a park. Upon meeting, they both realized that they were extremely compatible and started talking about ta...

A Drink for Each of My Brothers

Patrick walked into a pub and sat down at the bar. He asked for three individual shots of whiskey, and the bartender said "you know, I can put that all in one glass for you." Patrick said, "no no, see, I have two brothers who live far away. This drink is for Finnigan, this one is for Fergus, and thi...

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100 sailors are on a naval vessel, with 1 nun...

They are in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. The captain gets on the PA and announces "We've been hit, abandon ship...I repeat abandon ship!" They all get off boat and and take the emergency boats to the closest land. They go back and forth to the boat for survival items, as quickly as the could...

Patty and Billy...

...drink whiskey together on a regular basis and become the closest of friends. They make a vow that the one who outlives the other will open a bottle of the finest whiskey and pour on the grave site of the other on the day of the funeral. Sadly, Patty dies and Billy is left to proceed with the ri...

A king sends for his favourite minister with an unusual request

When the minister arrives, the king tells him "On a daily basis, I am introduced to very smart men. I wish to see all types of people living in my kingdom. I order you to bring me the 5 biggest idiots in my kingdom".

The minister is baffled and wonders how he can find 5 idiots. Nonetheless, h...

Blonde Stewardess and the Lawyer

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in ...

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