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Proposition Jokes

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A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.

"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"

"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"

"Ok, make it $500"

"No! Get away from me!"

"How about $1000?"

"I said, no!"

"$10,000, cash."

"Okay, fine!"...

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

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A man walks up to a prostitute and propositions her for sex...

She says to the man: "Sorry, but I'm clothed for the day."

The driest, most esoteric joke I know.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to...

A Billionaire's Proposition

A billionaire asked a woman, "Would you sleep with me for half my money?"

The woman said, "Yes I would."

To which he said, "How about for $25?"

She angrily responded with, "Hell no! What kind of woman do you think I am?!"

He looked her dead in the eye and stated, "We ...

Businessman, proposition, and a beautiful chorus girl..

A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of the well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for S500.

When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things had transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him but would h...

Today I inappropriately touched and propositioned several female coworkers...

It's all good though. I said "No Cuomo"

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to...

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One day the boss of a company approached his Secretary

He said that he wanted to have sex with her. Naturally she said no but the boss responded that he would make it very quick.

“I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down and pick it up I’ll be done”

She thought for a moment, then decided to call her boyfriend and tell him...

Legally speaking the Trump proposition of buying the Greenland from Denmark...

is a weird borderline-case.

I invented a device to disrupt the watchmaking industry. I emailed a proposition to a French watchmaker. Their response?

Seiko Killer? Qu'est-ce que c'est?

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, ''I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your child...

A guy is about to get married the next day when his bride’s sister offers an interesting proposition....

As he’s sitting on the couch, she confesses she has had a crush on him for a long time, and wants one time with him—no one will ever know.

She says “Don’t answer now. If you’re interested come upstairs to my room. If not, you can leave or whatever, no problem.”

She goes upstairs and h...

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I was propositioned by a man on the internet (NSFW)

He asked me if I'd push apple pips up his bum while he had sex with my mum.. what a seedy arsed mother fucker!

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I'll be over 18 when my English teacher gets out of prison

I wrote her we should have sex legally as soon as she gets released.

But she wrote back that she couldn't end a sentence with a proposition.

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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.

They were ready to leave when the wife came down with a headache. She told her husband to go to the party, no need to miss it because of her headache. So the husband left for the party.

About an hour later his wife's headache went away and she felt better. She put on her costume and went to ...

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Fast Sex

Dave wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl
in his office. But she was dating someone else. One day Dave got so
frustrated that he went to her and said "I'll give you $100 if you let me
have sex with you."

The girl looked at him and then said, "NO!"
...

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A prostitute propositions a snowman, "I can be gentle or dominant. I can be anything you want me to be."

The snowman hands her $20 and says, "Be a snow blower."

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An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposit...

The CEO of KFC requests an audience with the Pope.

After some discussion, the CEO tells the Pope that he has a proposition. The company will make a $1 billion donation to the Catholic Church on one condition- that the Lord’s Prayer wording be officially changed from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken.”
The p...

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A newly ordained priest...

A newly ordained priest is walking down the street on his way to his assignment at a parish in the bad part of town. On his way he sees a prostitute who says "Hey father, how about a blow job. $25."

The young priest shyly hurries along past the woman.

Further down the street another p...

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A young, southern buck went to Las Vegas.

Sitting in a cocktail lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around t...

Two students of architecture, one Italian and one Greek are at a bar to celebrate their graduation

The Italian student proposes an idea his Greek classmate, “Let's meet up again in 10 years, to see how successful we have become”. The Greek student, interested in this proposition, accepts.

10 years later

The Greek man is invited to the home of the Italian man, when he arrives, he is ...

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Two anthropologists are walking through a forest

They come across a tribe dancing in a circle chanting,

”BUMBA!, BUMBA!”

As they are taking notes they are suddenly captured.

They wake up hours later in front of the tribe and its chief.

The chief walks up to the first anthropologists and says,

”You have two option...

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[NSFW] Joke I found in a vintage porno from the 1930's.

So this is a simple time where men are men and women are women.

Tommy is on a date with Stacy and takes a long detour 10 miles outside of town. He propositions her for sex, and if she doesn't put out she can walk home.

Stacy walks home.

A second date happens as Tommy proceeds to...

My Grandfather's Favorite Joke [word play]

A male prisoner promised a female guard that he would marry her if she helped him escape. This is an example of someone using a proposition to end a sentence with.

The Life of a Bug Spray Salesman

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. *"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."*

The farmer was dubious. *"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you...

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Another Jewish joke (this one featuring boobs!) (NSFW)

My Jewish father showed me this one.

So a small Jewish man happens to come across a rather stunning woman. Specifically, this woman has the most beautiful, perfect breasts he's ever seen in his life.

So he approaches this woman and says with utmost sincerity:

"Ma'am, I'm sorry t...

You wouldn't happen to be a consultant now, would you?

One day, a shepherd was out grazing his sheep when a stranger came up to him and made him a proposition:

Stranger: If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have without counting them, will you let me have one of them as a prize?

The farmer, out of curiosity , agreed.

So the ...

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Why aren’t prostitutes allowed near prisons?

Because a sentence shouldn’t end with a proposition.

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An inmate has a week left in prison and offers a female guard $200 for a blowjob.

She responds: C'mon now...Don't end your sentence with a proposition!

Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...

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Trucker goes into a truck stop...

And takes a seat next to a colleague. They chat about their routes and generally shoot the breeze for a while, until a woman passes by them and goes into the bathroom.

As she comes out, the second trucker mutters "tickle your ass with a feather?"

The woman, in shock, whirls around an...

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A literal version of 'your joke, but better': I got a tattoo of my girlfriend's name on my penis...

...in full, the tattoo says "FOR AMY" on it.

So I went to a bar, had a few drinks, went to take a leak, and noticed the guy next to me had "FOUR EARTH" tattooed on his.

I couldn't help but laugh and say to him "First off, you misspelled "FOR", secondly, you really think you'll get ever...

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A man commisions his three kids to each sell a duck

The eldest goes out, and returns having sold the duck for 5 dollars.
The middle child goes out, and returns a tad more successful having sold the duck for 10 dollars.
The youngest child goes out, and while at the market, gets propositioned by a lady of the night. He explains he has no money...

The blond one

There was a typical blonde. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes.

One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of shee...

Gorilla needed mate

A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla. 
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. In a despera...

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Paint my porch.

A man was walking out of his local hardware store when he saw a fairly attractive twenty-something year old female standing on the sidewalk holding a sign- “Will do ANYTHING for $20.”

He smirked, walked over to her and made her a proposition. She accepted, and he drove her to his house. Afte...

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Mr. & Mrs. Johnson live on a farm by themselves. One day, an Alien spaceship lands in front of their house.

As the Johnsons go to investigate, the ship’s doors open and two aliens that look similar to humans walk out. Speaking perfect English, the aliens make a proposition to the Johnsons to trade partners for the night to understand human sexual behavior. The Johnsons, curious of what the experience woul...

A blond is tired of being made fun of for being blond

So many jokes about blonds had given her a bad reputation. So she decides to change her hair color to hide it.

Every day on her way to work she would run into a shepherd with lots of sheep. She decides today to stop and talk to the shepherd.

She said to him “ If i can guess how many ...

A zoo purchased a female gorilla as their new start attraction.

However, she soon became very aggressive and very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined that the problem was she was in heat. With no male gorilla at the zoo, how could she be calmed down?

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Davi...

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The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix .

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop, the people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads..

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidew alks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the May...

The votes are in, and California has legalized Marijuana.

however, one ethnic group that voted disproportionately against the proposition were Cambodian-Americans. When asked why, most said that they'd had bad prior experiences with Pot.

I went to a new butcher's today with my wife...

And the butcher propositioned me: "If you can grab all the meat off the top shelf in 10 seconds, you'll get it all for free! However if you fail, I get to spend the night with your wife!"

I looked at the meat and I thought about it for a moment then replied: "I'd like to try but I just can't....

A wealthy old man spots an attractive lady at the grocery store and approaches her with an offer.

He says, "Ma'am, you are very beautiful, and I would love to give you $1,000."
The woman, surprised and flattered, says, "That's very kind of you, but what would I have to do?"
The old man says, "Just follow me home, take off all your clothes, pick the money up off the floor, and then you ca...

Two Vietnamese men decided to go into business together...

It was a Nguyen-Nguyen proposition.

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My fallback joke that I've been telling for about 20 years at this point.

A teacher isn't seeing much engagement in her class so, she decides to get the students more involved she offers up a proposition.

She tells all of her students that every Friday she is going to ask a "Question of the Day", if the students can get it right they can take the day off of school ...

Sven and Ole are two fictional swedish immigrants who live in Minnesota. They are characters used in jokes. I heard this one from my dad.

Sven is vacationing at his cabin in northern Minnesota and happens to get in line at a Dairy Queen.

An indian (native american) man approaches him and makes a proposition.

Indian Man: Hey I have a deal for you. I will ask you a riddle. If you can answer it I will buy you an ice cream, ...

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A guy named John was sitting in the back of his French class...

As usual for John, he wasn't doing his work and was drifting off to sleep. His teacher saw this every day, but generally ignored him.

So, as the semester goes by, John does the same thing every day. Then, on one of the last days of the semester, Mrs.Meyers, the French teacher, says to him:...

So a man walks into a butcher shop and eyes several of the finest steaks...

There are cuts of meat on shelves all throughout the store. The butcher likes how this man carries himself so he offers him a proposition. He says, "If you can grab the slab of meat on the shelf over there that you've been looking at since you got in here, you can have it for free. Otherwise you h...

A man walks into a bar with a mouse on his shoulder.

"What are you doing with that yoke in here?" asks the barman.

The man replies "Well I have a proposition for you. The mouse gets to stay and I get a full bottle of good whiskey if I can show you this mouse playing the piano!".

"Deal" says the barman, not believing this obvious drunk....

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A+ Book Reports on Titanic and Bill Clinton

The students at a local college were assigned to read two books, “Titanic” and “My Life” by Bill Clinton, and to write book reports. One student turned in the following book report with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
...

A guy walks into a bar holding an alligator. He gently rests it on the counter, and takes a seat.

“You can’t bring that in here!” the bartender exclaimed, motioning for the man to leave.
“Aw, he’s completely harmless, won’t hurt a fly I promise!” replied the owner of the alligator.
The bartender was not amused and again insisted that the man leave.
“Alright,” said the man standing up...

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The baboon.

The zoo owner is becoming concerned because his star attraction, the baboon, is becoming more and more aggressive. He calls an old buddy of his from college, who happens a to have been a zoology major. The zoo owner explains what has been going on, and asks his friend if there is anything that can b...

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A young boy's mum gives him their last possession: a duck

She tells him "Don't you dare come back til you've gotten a good price for that duck."

Off he goes to the market. On the way there, he's stopped by a prostitute. She propositions him and he's unable to resist.

"But, ma'am, I've only got a duck."

"How much it worth?"

"My m...

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A cricket is in love with a mantis

but he's terrified, because he keeps hearing that a mantis will eat the male after sex. Nevertheless, one night the cricket gets really drunk and propositions the mantis. The two have amazing sex all night long, but in the morning the cricket comes to his senses and starts eyeing the mantis warily.<...

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A man goes to the countryside to hunt birds.

He spots one, aims and shoots at it. The bullet hits the bird and it falls down somewhere in the distance.
The man immediately sets off, but when he gets to the spot at which the bird fell he notices the place is a ranch - and the farmer who owns it is holding his bird. "That's my bird" the man ...

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A drunk man is walking through the park at night...

when he sees a small, dark figure in the distance. He is curious, and gets closer and sees a small person with his back to him. He touches the small man on his shoulder to turn and identify the person and is shocked...

"I can't believe what I am seeing! This has to be my lucky day! Are you.....

Gary Johnson is at a fundraiser

Gary Johnson is at a fundraiser for the upcoming election. Worn out from being in the spotlight, he propositions a hooker and heads to a hotel room. Once inside, they rip their clothes off and start making out. She throws him on the bed and seductively asks "Do you enjoy felacio?" He looks at her wi...

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A British man moved abroad to live on a ranch in Australia

He had been over there for a few weeks on his own before he started to feel quite lonely. Peering out of his window he couldn't see a single soul for miles around, just a single dirt road creeping through the rolling landscape.

One day the telephone rang, he answered
"Hello?" he said sheep...

Three atoms, hydrogen, helium, and oxygen walk into a bar.

They go up to the bartender, Germanium, and start to order their drinks, but soon realise they are short on cash.

Hydrogen says to Germanium, "Hey man, we've had a long week, bonding is hard. If we can make you laugh, can we drink for free tonight?"

Germanium thinks about it for a min...

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I bet he felt pretty good about himself...

A man walks into the local sporting goods store with the hopes of purchasing some ammunition, as he has every Saturday for the past two months (with nothing but bare shelves), despite the recent shortage. Much to the man's luck, the store just received a large shipment of ammo that morning and he is...

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A husband was unhappy with his wife's recent figure after giving birth to their firstborn child.....

........Just weeks after returning home from the hospital, the husband was walking behind his wife and remarked, "Your bottom is getting so big, it looks like an old washing machine."

The wife kept quiet and refused to dignify his comment with a response at the time.

When bedtime came...

counting sheep

So sick of hearing blonde jokes, a blonde cut her long hair and dyed it brown.

The next day she drove out into the countryside where she came upon a flock of sheep crossing the road. Stopping her car to watch the fluffy flock, she called out to the shepherd, "Your sheep are so cute. If I gues...

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A woman (mom) was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night,

when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.

He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes,

and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.

Th...

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An amateur band was recording a new album in the studio...

...and decided to record a cover of another less known artist, a judge who mostly played small private events like weddings.

The album became a huge hit, and sales went through the roof. However, the judge also happened to come across the album after its release. The judge contacted their man...

There was once a millionaire who collected a large amount of alligators as pets.

One day he held a party and came up with a proposition. He said if anyone could swim across the alligator infested pool and emerge unharmed he would pay them $1 million or give them his beautiful daughter's hand in marriage.

Immediately after he finished saying this he heard a splash and the...

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Adam's in the Garden of Eden with God.

God begins to notice that lately Adam has seemed morose while naming the animals. He notices that all of the animals stick together well, but that Adam is kind of a loner and realizes that he must be lonely.

One day God tells Adam that he has a proposition for him. "Look, Adam," God begins,...

A gorgeous woman doing stand-up at a comedy club

....and she's not doing so well. It's not that her delivery or stage presence is bad. It's simply because she's using extremely tired and outdated material. To put it frankly, the audience was sick and tired of hearing the same damn jokes that had been told time after time on that stage.

Afte...

A preacher in the Wild West, ...

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, c...

Dave is a talented mime who works at the local zoo.

He is very good at his job and is well liked by the guests of the zoo. One day, the zoo's famous orangutan dies suddenly. Not wanting to close the exhibit, the zoo approaches Dave with a proposition. Dave is to dress up in a realistic orangutan suit and pretend to be the orangutan, until the zoo can...

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Three explorers...

...were going through the Amazon forest, one American, one French and the last Portuguese. Suddenly, they were captured by a cannibal tribe.

Tied to woods in the middle of the village, they hear scared for the proposition made by the chief cannibal.

"Each of you can make any wish. If I...

Story with a moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

A young kid from the inner city only ever dreamed of being a dancer

Lacey worked really hard and started to gain some attention until a tragic accident destroyed her left knee. She lost her job at the dance company and thus her insurance, leaving her with a shattered knee and broken dreams.

Then she saw a commercial for these brand new knee replacements, Mah...

50 bucks is 50 bucks.

Lois and Stan have been married for 35 years and every year they go to the state fair when it's in town. This year they have a new ride called 'The Helicopter ride'. $50 for a ride in the helicopter for 25 minutes. Stan really wants to ride it so he asks his wife if they can go. She declines say...

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Mary, the housewife...

...was sitting home alone one afternoon when her husband's best friend, Ed, stopped by.

"Dave's not home," she told him. "He's golfing."

Ed said, "In that case, I have a proposition for you. Will you let me touch your breasts for $100?"

Mary was taken aback, but she thought ab...

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A joke i heard a while back

An Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman are walking down a road to the pub, as they usually do. When they decide to take a detour and past the fly cave everyone talks about. As they get outside the cave they see a man, that ushers them over. So they go over and he propositions them. Saying "If any...

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A pope in the middle ages is trying to kick the Jews out of Rome...

And the Jewish population is able to convince him to hear out their side first before making them leave. The pope agrees, but the only Jewish man who thinks himself to be a good enough debater is the rabbi, Moishe. But since Moishe only speaks Hebrew and the Pope only Latin and Italian, they agree t...

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

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Old Lady in the Outback

Three brothers were lost in the desert. For two days they were stranded surviving off of bugs. On the third day, they came across a strange looking shack. The three brothers went to the door and knocked hoping someone was inside. They knocked again and out came a dirty, wrinkly old lady wearing thic...

It's worth it

One of my buddies loves this joke and I figured I would share it with the reddit world because I love it too:

So this guy was driving through the desert, it was a hot day and his car was an old junker. About 5 miles outside of town the car finnally kicks the bucket. So, with no other choice, ...

The family of a farmer and their cow

There once was a man who lived with his wife and three sons on a farm. They were poor and their whole wealth was a single prized cow. On one morning, the farmer went into to the barn and shockingly found his beloved cow dead on the ground. He couldn't bare telling his family about the loss so he gra...

I have an uncle in Texas

He's a wealthy guy, made it big in oil. He recently decided to build a new pool for his house. Of course, being a Texan it couldn't be just any pool. He decided to build the biggest pool of anyone he knew. I don't know exactly how big it was, but it had to be at least a couple hundred yards long....

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

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During the Dark Ages, the Pope decrees that he is going to expel all of the Jews out of Europe...

...naturally, the Jews aren't very happy with this. Jewish people all over Europe start protesting in the streets, demanding that the Pope change his mind and let the Jewish people stay. Since the protests and riots are starting to get a bit chaotic and violent, the Pope creates a proposition. He wi...

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