### My son is going away to sleep away camp, and I was told to sew a label with his name on it on all his clothes.

...so rather than do all that I just changed his name to Calvin Klein.

### My company just installed an elevator that labels the ground floor as "2" and goes up from there.

It's wrong on so many levels.

### Alcohol and cigarettes have warning labels because they are addictive, dangerous, and destroy lives.

And yet women are allowed to just roam around.

### BOSS: What's going on here?

BOSS: What's going on here?

JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-

DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!

JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

### A man buys a pack of cigarettes, warning label on the pack says: Smoking causes impotence.

The man gives it back and says "WTF is this? Give me the one that causes lung cancer instead."

### Instead of working out, I'm just going to get a label maker.

I'll label my scale "1-10", then every time I step on it I'll be reminded that on a scale of 1-10, I'm a 220.

### According to this nutrition label...

I am a family of four

### The best way to tell if you’re in California

Is to look up at the sun, and see if there is a “may cause cancer” warning label on it.

### Today, in math class, we had to label triangles.

I would tell you the answers, but they're all classified now.

### A Mexican walks into a Chinese restaurant and picks up a bottle of black sauce and seeing the label...

...he exclaims "Yes. You are!"

Resubmitted for clarity.

Credit for original joke to u/TooShiftyForYou.

### I hate labels

I which there was a name for that

### Only 1% of population uses the labels on clothes to check washing method

The remaining 99% believes that the label is to see where the back side is.

### Warning labels are stupid.

I bought some deodorant and it said on the can, "Avoid contact with eyes" TOO LATE, I'd already seen it

### The problem with America is stupidity.

So why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

### I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people

I'm just
saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.

### If Excel had a record label....

It would be Excel ENT.

I'll see myself out.

### A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

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### Cigarette companies are now being forced to show pictures of mouth cancer on their labels.

Considering the fact that Processed meat has also been proven to cause Colorectal cancer. I think in the spirit of fairness Hotdog packaging should include pictures of Anal cancer.

### Caitlyn Jenner comes with a warning label...

It says:

Warning - May contain traces of nuts.

### I used to sell office supplies to the mafia, file cabinets and label makers and such

I was involved in very organized crime

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### Why can't a priest take viagra?

Because it says on the label to keep away from children

### Labels In Society

I really hate labels in society. Every action you do and every interest you have has a "category" and you get lumped together with a group, and it's stupid. If I like video games, I'm a "nerd". If I like Starbucks, I'm "basic". If I sneak into your house at 3 am and watch you sleep even though I'm p...

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### My penis has a warning label...

It says "Warning! Choking hazard...small parts."

### Tim and Edward decided to team up in an attempt to steal an expensive jewel.

It belonged to a woman in their neighborhood. Her house was fairly isolated so they decided they could proceed during the day. The woman seemed a bit careless and had no security system set up, so they easily got in and out of the house with the jewel.

Back to a safe place and out of view o...

### So I saw one of those "Drink for Pink" labels on a bottle of juice...

Sounds like Georgia Tech's hookup strategy.

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### Two drunks were lost in the middle of the ocean

The pair had been adrift for six days in a life boat with no water or food, they hadn't seen any ships or aircraft, and worst of all they had completely run out of beer three days before, the two had nearly given up hope when suddenly they came across an ancient looking bottle, they pulled it out of...

### A Scotsman, an Englishman, and Irishman (Paddy, of course) survived a plane crash, and were washed ashore on a desert island.

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and Irishman (Paddy, of course) survived a plane crash, and were washed ashore on a desert island.

They were there for years, and became quite emaciated, with the lack of food.

One day a bottle washes up on the shore. They all look at it, and Paddy rubs i...

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### A man walks into a magic shop and sees a small wooden box on the rack.

He reads the label on the package: 'COIN DUPLICATOR'. Excited and ready to impress his friends, the man buys the coin duplicator and rips the package open.

He opens the box, places a quarter inside, and closes it. He presses a red button on the top of the box, which produces a short...

### In the darkest hours of World War II, a British Commando unit was waiting to go behind enemy lines into Norway

During the planning of the mission, it was decided that their rifles would need protective covers against the extreme cold of Norway. The contract to manufacture the covers was given to a pharmaceutical company that also manufactured condoms.

Before the Commandos deployed, Winston Churchill p...

### One day a DJ for a local radio station wanted to change things up.

He wanted to start playing more up beat music, so he went to the manager of the station and told him his idea. The manager said he would look into it.

A few days go by and the manager comes back to the DJ and tells him there is a problem with one of the songs he wants to play from The Beach B...

### Queen were on their very first tour and there was a mishap in booking hotel rooms.

They were meant to book two rooms with two beds each - instead they ended up with a single room with one bed. They were considering drawing straws to determine who would sleep on the floor, but miraculously, Freddie Mercury, Brian May, John Deacon and Roger Taylor all managed to fit comfortably on t...

### An Irish pirate with a 12 inch wiener walks into a bar

and the bartender says "I don't even know how to label you!"

### A 9 year old child was rummaging through his mother's makeup cabinet when he found a age reducing ointment...

The label mentioned that you will look 10 years younger. Not know what it was exactly, the child rubbed the ointment all over his body.

Hours later, the mother noticed the lack of noise and went to check on her child. To her dismay, she saw her makeup supplies scattered about, found her anti ...

### A group of blondes walk into a bar,

all of them chanting "Twenty-four days! Twenty-four days!" They got a table and continued to yell "Twenty-four days! Twenty-four days!" They started hooting and high-fiving each other as well. Intrigued, the bartender walks over to the table and sees a finished child's puzzle with Sesame Street's El...

### "What type of duvet is this?"

"Duck down, sir"
*punches customer in face*

"WHAT THE?!"

"Sorry sir, I warned you. Now read the label"

### A man was driving along the highway......

.........and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately it jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become o...

### A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV ...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

### The American view of the world is too self-centered...

I mean on maps they literally label their country "US."

### The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

...

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### A wife is desperately looking for a present for her husband's 50th birthday.

She goes into a pet shop and starts asking for yhe prices ok different animals, but her attention goes into a frog that had a label for \$1.000 dollars. Consumed by doubt, she approaches to a salesman and asks about this overly expensive pet:

-Excuse me can you tell me, why this frog is so exp...

### The tale of the Frog and the Squirrel.

A guy walks into a bar, says to the bartender "if I show you something amazing will you buy me a drink?"

Bartender says "sure, but I've been bar tending a long time so it's gotta be good"

Guy reaches into his pocket pulls out a little piano and a frog, the frog starts playing the pia...

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### Fame

A guy goes in to a recording studio and hands the engineer what must be 50 grand in cash. He says, "I want you to record exactly what I say, then use the leftover money to print up as many CDs as you can, and send them to every record label head, A&R rep, talent scout and manager in the business...

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### Beer versus Religion

Top Ten Reasons
Beer is better than Religion

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have Bee...

### Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of s...

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### A Polish man rushes into a lawyer's office

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!" The lawyer explained that the sp...

### A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit

He slams on his brakes, gets out and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired. A passing car slams on it’s brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny pulls out an aerosol can and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The Bunny jumps up runs...

### The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

### "What would you like for your anniversary, darling?" asked the husband as the couple prepared to celebrate their thirtieth wedding anniversary.

"How about a new wardrobe full of designer labels?"

"No, I don't think so," said the wife.

"Then what about a new Mercedes?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Then what about a holiday in Bali?"

"No, I don't think so. You see, what I really want is a divorce....

### Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus...

### A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

“No,” argues the assistant, “look at the label – it says Taiwan.”

### A mob boss has a job...

A mob boss was looking for some new thugs to take care of problems with the business. Having just lost several men to a warehouse accident, there were a few vacancies. One of his close friends offered some advice.

"There's this new company that's producing automated thugs. Supposedly, these...

### A blonde was determined to prove people wrong

“I’m fed up with this, I’ve never done something so stupid! I can do something to prove everyone wrong about blondes and what a better opportunity since we just moved into this house.”

Husband replies with a c...

### The good doctor

A doctor is driving home along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible.

He immediately pulled the car to the side and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the...

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### Funny adult jokes - Three daughters

The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going.
The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after...

### An ad campaign for pitted peaches (long)

So there’s a farmer and he wants to market his peaches. They are canned peaches and part of the appeal is you don’t have to pit them. They are pitted by other people before they get out in the cans! Easy! So he has this idea to hire a model to photograph in the process of pitting to communicate this...

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### A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

### I'm sure my girlfriend is cheating on me

Even the label in her underwear says Next!

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### Quite the Pickle

When my grandmother died, as an only child my father had to clean out her place. When he came upon her recipe box, he sat on the floor and went through them slowly. Many had been handed down to her from her mother, my great-grandmother. One by one, he closed his eyes and remembered the simple joy of...

### A few numbers were on a field trip (dont mind my character choice)....

...when they stopped to admire the view and take a rest for a bit.

Four, being a good painter, decides to spend the break by painting some things. But instead of painting the view, he paints the beautiful pickup truck they have been riding on.

After he finished, he realized how well ma...

### A husband and wife have just had their first child

After about a month, the couple gets their bill from the hospital. They are shocked to find out the bill is \$67,000, and they have no idea how they're going to pay. Among all the line items is a \$9,000 charge for something marked only as "Love", which both the husband and the wife are confused about...

### A man sends some lettuce through the mail

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and...

### First Experience after marriage

A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them

“Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code”

So……. after a week, the 1st daughter texted

“NESCAFE”

and the next...

### The world is full of lies and deception:

The label on the door said "Ladies" but there was just a toilet.

### A group of blondes go to the government

One day, a group of blondes go to the government. Outraged at being stereotyped as dumb, they demand that this label be made illegal immediately. After some thinking, the government grants the blondes a court date to give them the chance to prove their intelligence to the people.

Having fou...

### I work at an unusual restaurant......

The owner is woman name Lily who liked to drink a lot. She had the restaurant’s logo, the label from a bottle of vodka, drawn on everything. Chairs, tables, light fixtures, bathroom sinks, etc. They were everywhere! Worse yet, it was done with a #2 pencil. The weird owner would also keep all the lar...

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### A christian mother thought to herself since my husband has been working so hard preaching maybe i should cook him a nice dinner...

He loves ham so i'll get him some ham. She went to the grocery store and asked mr. Brown the deli manager "Do you have some fresh ham?" He said "no all I have is some damham" She said "I'm a christian how dare you say that to me?" He said "No thats the brand see?" "Oh!" she said, it has a beaver and...

### Eminem, 50 Cent and Andre from Outkast get together to produce a new single.

50 Cent says, 'I'll make the beat.'

Eminem says, 'I'll release it on my label and deal with the promo.'

Andre says, 'I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll ...

A warning label.

### I don't understand why people keep going after Trump for Russian ties

All of his ties are made in China, just look at the label!

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### If Dr. Seuss wrote instruction manuals.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

and the double-...

### So, there was a horse who saw a metal music video...

So, there was a horse who saw a m**e**tal music video, and he thought the guitarist looked really cool.

He said to himself "I want to do that!" and went to the phone book right away. He found som**e**body advertising electric guitar lessons and called the number.

"Hello, I'd like to l...

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### Blonde Logic Highlights

Blonde Logic

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..."duh"...bottles won't fit in typewriter!

March - Got excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"

Apr...

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### I don't think it's correct to call them grammar Nazis anymore...

They seem to prefer the label "alt-write" nowadays.

### When he was president, George W. Bush decided to visit a school...

...so the kids could ask him questions.

'Mr. President, my name is Bob and I'd like to ask three questions,' says the first kid.

'My first question: why do you label everything as "terrorism"? My second question is: why do you always say we have t...

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### How do we know the toothbrush was invented in west virginia?

if it was invented anywhere else it would be the teethbrush

idk how this got a dirty label

### The Spice Mafia

It is a little known fact that some people want spices that they cannot obtain legally. Be it decades-old oregano, salt from the Last Supper, or the flesh of Sean Spicer, some people love strange and unusual spices. However, in order to obtain these spices, they only have one place to turn: the Spic...

### I'm not a pessimist.

Only because I don't deserve a label.

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### So I went online and bought one of these devices that enlarge your penis

The bastards sent me a magnifying glass with a warning label:

"DO NOT USE IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT"

### A winery is looking for a taster and so the vintner puts an ad out in the paper.

The next day, a man arrives at the office. He has greasy hair and a five o'clock shadow, he's wearing a filthy jacket and torn jeans, he obviously hasn't had a shower since Christ was crucified, and he smells strongly of stale tobacco smoke and cheap beer. The vintner sees the man's obviously a ho...

### On Easter morning a man and his son run over the Easter bunny...

They hop out of the car and the son immediately says "Daddy! You killed the Easter bunny!"

The man thinks to himself and then says "Don't worry, I know exactly what to do."

He goes to the trunk of the car and produces a spray can. He shakes it up and sprays the dead Easter bunny with i...

### I always get told off when introducing my wife...

Apparently, the label 'ex-girlfriend' is highly inappropriate.

### Blonde girl was staring at a bottle of juice...

Because the label said "concentrate."

### Two rednecks run into each other on a rural country road...

One of them is carrying a big bag with the label "chickens".

The other notices the bag and says "if I guess how many chickens there is in the bag can I have one of them?"

The one holding the bag says "hell if you guess how many chickens im holding in this bag ill give you both of them...

### I always try to drink whiskey that's older than the women I sleep with

It sound impressive and all, until I'm seen drinking red label

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### If airlines sold paint (from Car Talk)

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is \$12 a gallon, and we have 60 differentprices up to \$200 a gallon.

Customer: What's t...

### NASA says they've found organic material on Mars...

...but they're probably just putting 'organic ' on the label so they can mark up the prices by 200%

### The Patch

Two Texas rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a DPS roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”

“Don’t worry, Bubba”, Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and...

### Sir John and Chung Lee walking in front of the Buckingham palace

Chung Lee says: "When I see all these flags, my heart fills with joy!"
Sir John:"But you are a Chinese national only visiting the United Kingdom, how so?"
Chung Lee:"Did you ever read the labels on the flags?!"

### There is a mix up in the hospital,

..,nurses forgot to label three newborns. Their fathers, German, Russian and Jewish guys trying to figure out who's child is who's. German dude gets an idea, he comes to the newborns and yell " Heil Hitler" one of the kids throws his right hand up in a salute. German guy grabs the kid and leaves. ...

### A dog, a pig, and a horse are in a band (Worth the read)

They are relatively unknown, and are struggling to become popular. They play gig after gig but cannot seem to break through. The horse soon falls into despair, and resorts to doing drugs. He is kicked out of the band, and right after he leaves the band hits it big. Contract labels are starting to pa...