Last week I was bored, so I decided to swap around the labels on my wifes spice rack. So far, she hasn't noticed.

Mark my words though, the thyme is cumin.

I switched all the labels on my wife spice rack. I’m not in trouble yet....

but the thyme is cumin.

Bought some high strength lager. On the label it says “Please drink responsibly.”

Well, I’ve got my seat belt on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde sees a guy walking down the street with a package labeled "The Dildo Store"

"What's in the bag?" asks the blonde.

"Dildos"

"I'm horny. If I can guess how many are in the bag, may I have one right now?

"If you guess correctly, you can have both of them."

The blonde smiles and says, "Five?"

My wife's panties are labelled 'Monday', 'Tuesday', 'Wednesday' ...

My underwear is labelled 'January', February', 'March'...

I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28.

I guess that’s the price of inflation

I like working in hotels that label the ground floor L for lobby.

If a guest has a complaint, I can tell them to go to L.

I just saw a dude chug from a beaker labeled ‘Fe’

That’s metal.

Who else hates labels?

If you do, consider joining our group. We call ourselves antilabelists.

As I was smoking, I decided to read the label and was honestly shocked to find out that smoking is bad for you

It made a die a little inside.

During the Cold War, the Russian government came up with a plan to demoralize the Americans.

They placed an order with America's largest rubber manufacturer for 50,000 cases of condoms, 5 inches wide and 17 inches long.

Being a shrewd businessman, the owner of the company filled the order while simultaneously fulfilling his patriotic duty and making the Russians' ploy backfire.
...

My office has had three label makers stolen in the past week.

We suspect it's connected to organized crime.

I love the Dave joke so much I decided to write a sequel

At first Dave’s boss in in complete disbelief at Dave’s popularity. But he slowly comes to his senses. He reasons that Dave couldn’t possibly know *every* person. Nevertheless, if he wants to catch Dave, naming people out of the blue isn’t working. He has to come up with a new strategy. He sits down...

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

I swapped all the labels around on my wife's spice rack.

She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.

It is not polite to call people White Trash

The proper label is white non-recyclables



Yeah ok it's not great but it's what I got

A local general store was held up today, the attacker was overpowered by the brave assistant who hit the guy with her labelling gun...

Police are looking for the would- be robber and say there is now a price on the mans head..

Thinking of starting a liquor brand and getting free advertising from the other major labels

I'm going to call it "responsibly"

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

What would have been Beethoven's record label?

Deaf Jam.

The label said "Stir Well Before Use".

So I stirred it three days before I needed it.

Anybody know someone that wants to buy letter openers, staplers, pens, and other office supplies?

Most of it is labeled with Capital Hill or U.S. Senate but it's all usable. Let me know! Thanks.

I just opened a packet of ham, it said "POLISH TASTE" on the label.

...it tastes of polish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

A big record label gathered Eminem, Dr. Dre, and Andre 3000 to collaborate on a new album.

Eminem said, "I'll perform."
Dr. Dre said, "I'll produce."
And Andre 3000 said, "I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write!"

News: A Major Fashion Label Releases a Cream for Yeast Infections

It's called "Gucci Coochie Goo".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't know how to title this but according to higher-ups, this should be labelled as a repost so yeah. Enjoy

A guy walks over to his neighbour and knocks on the door. A woman answers the door and the guy asks her "Do you have a vagina?" The woman looks at him in disgust and slams the door on him.

The next day, the same thing happens. The guy walks over to his neighbour, knocks on the door and when s...

Son: Dad, what are this 'trans fats" given on the label?

Dad: Trans fats are both groups of people you can't make fun of.

Police Checkpoint

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a few bottles of Budweiser

Bubba, said "Slow down, Earl, a Police checkpoint is ahead!!

There was quite a few vehicles in front of them so Earl said, "Don't worry, Bubba, "We'll just pull over and finish drinking these beers, peel o...

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.



The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.



He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small, it'd be almost non-exis...

Breaking News

Local police are seeking a shoplifter who attacked a store this lunch time but was tackled by a have-a-go shopkeep with his labelling gun.

Officers say they're seeking a man with a price on his head.

- RIP Ronnie Corbett.

My company just installed an elevator that labels the ground floor as "2" and goes up from there.

It's wrong on so many levels.

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 

The four brothers walked...

My son is going away to sleep away camp, and I was told to sew a label with his name on it on all his clothes.

...so rather than do all that I just changed his name to Calvin Klein.

My father was killed by a herd of pigs.

The coroner labeled his death a sooie-cide

I have a jar in my garage labeled, "My Bachelor Years."

It's filled with a bunch of random screws.

Warning labels are stupid.

I bought some deodorant and it said on the can, "Avoid contact with eyes" TOO LATE, I'd already seen it

A man dies and goes to heaven

He gets to the pearly gates, and he sees two lines: one labeled "Predestination" and the other labeled "Free Will." The man, being a good five-point Calvinist, gets in the "predestined line." He waits his turn and gets to the front, and the angel asks him "Why are you in the predestined line?" Guy g...

A man buys a pack of cigarettes, warning label on the pack says: Smoking causes impotence.

The man gives it back and says "WTF is this? Give me the one that causes lung cancer instead."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up

A man wakes up in a dimly lit room with three doors. On each door, there is a picture of a different type of food. The first door has a picture of eggs, second has a picture of cereal and the third has a picture of beans.

The man decides to try the first door, so he opens it. Behind it is a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Land O Lakes

Have you guys seen the new Land O Lakes butter packaging? They removed the Native American girl from their labels to be more politically correct.

Now that’s the most American thing I’ve ever seen; remove the Indian and keep the land.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A round with the guys

\[Translated from a popular Punjabi joke\]

Tim's sitting around with the lads having drinks on a Saturday night.

A few drinks later, Tim claims:

"Guys, I have a special talent. I can name you the liquor brandname used in a drink, just from tasting it."

His buddies doubt h...

I hate put labels on people

That's why I didn't pass the job interview at the "Hello my name is" sticker factory.

A boy asks his granny, “Have you seen my pills, they were labelled ‘LSD’?”

His granny replies, “Screw the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?”

Twins

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road ...

According to this nutrition label...

I am a family of four

Instead of working out, I'm just going to get a label maker.

I'll label my scale "1-10", then every time I step on it I'll be reminded that on a scale of 1-10, I'm a 220.

A guy walks into a bar to see a jar labelled 'BET MONEY' with a couple hundred dollars in it.

A guy walks into a bar to see a jar labelled 'BET MONEY' with a couple hundred dollars in it. He asked the bartender what the bet was. The bartender pointed to two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling and said, "The bet is that you can't jump and hit both pieces of meat before you land back on th...

A woman and her husband are driving down the highway, when all of a sudden - splat - they've hit something furry

The woman pulls over, gets out and looks behind the car. A little bunny is squashed on the side of the road. The man, coming up behind him, says "Oh poor little guy."

"It's OK," says the woman, "I've got just the thing." She goes back, rummages in her handbag, and comes back with a spray can....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and hal...

Emergency!

The largest condom factory in the States burns down. President Trump is awoken at 4 am by the telephone.


"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the ...

Only 1% of population uses the labels on clothes to check washing method

The remaining 99% believes that the label is to see where the back side is.

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass,...

Got this joke off of a yogurt pack... Why are football stadiums so windy?

'This is not labelled for individual sales'


I know, I dont get it either...

Today, in math class, we had to label triangles.

I would tell you the answers, but they're all classified now.

Labelling cows

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.

What about one with 3 legs? That's lean beef.

What about one with 2 legs? That's just you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis has a warning label...

It says "Warning! Choking hazard...small parts."

A cow crossing a street sees a glove in ground. All ashamed and blushing goes:

Oh my god. Who's bra is this

NOTE: It's a dad joke but I didn't know how to make a #DadJoke label. So consider yourself warned.

A Mexican walks into a Chinese restaurant and picks up a bottle of black sauce and seeing the label...

...he exclaims "Yes. You are!"

Resubmitted for clarity.

Credit for original joke to u/TooShiftyForYou.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know it takes 3 miracles to be declared a Saint by the Catholic Church?

Did you know masturbating 15 times a day for 3 days strait does not constitute as a miracle? Did you also know they return the application and evidence in a package labeled Bio-hazard?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Soda Called Sup

Back in the 80's, the Coca-Cola company sold Sup, a combination of Sprite, 7 Up, and a secret ingredient that was never revealed. It was a beloved beverage that was unfortunately discontinued within a couple months and without any intention of going back on store shelves. People started buying Sup l...

Quick tip on how to get lots of views on your Reddit posts

Label it NSFW and repost (credit to a dozen other people)

[NSFW] Safecracker: This is actually my safe, the one I keep at home

Safecracker's wife: Let's label it NSFW

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to college, and upon arrival, finds that he needs to take an extra science class for his major.

He asks his friend which science class is easiest, and his friend responds “Ornithology 101. I never even had to show up.”
So the man registers for Ornithology, and never actually goes to the class. However, a few weeks before the final, he realizes he need to do very well on the final to pas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whilst on his daily walk, a man finds a dirty old whiskey bottle.

In order to see the label, he gives it a rub.

POOF, a genie pops out.

"I will grant you one wish and one wish only. The only catch is, you have only 10 seconds to make your wish" says the genie.

The man looks down at the whiskey bottle, and sees it fitting to make the following ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are Harry Potter movies and books labeled as fantasy?

Because the ginger cunt has friends.

Told this joke every summer as a camp counselor; never failed

This cheerio works 9-5 at a factory doing the same mundane task every day of every year. One day, this smoking hot frosted cheerio walks in and the normal cheerio falls for her instantly. He walks up to her and says:

“Hey, want to grab something to eat later?” And she says:

“Actually,...

Caitlyn Jenner comes with a warning label...

It says:

Warning - May contain traces of nuts.

What happened to the engineer who miss labeled all the floor numbers

He was wrong on so many levels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cigarette companies are now being forced to show pictures of mouth cancer on their labels.

Considering the fact that Processed meat has also been proven to cause Colorectal cancer. I think in the spirit of fairness Hotdog packaging should include pictures of Anal cancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, Putin called up Trump asking for a favor...

"We have a problem. All of Russia's condom manufacturers have gone bankrupt, and soon we will have a shortage," said Putin.

"That sounds pretty bad. How can we help?" Trump asked.

"We need you to send us American condoms."

"Of course, we can cut you a deal."

"Another thin...

just threw out a bag of shredded cheese.

the label said "since 1904"... there's no way it was still good to eat

I saw some things at the auction labeled “Art Objects"

Considering what they looked like, I’d object, too

I used to sell office supplies to the mafia, file cabinets and label makers and such

I was involved in very organized crime

I swear I’ve had this brand of brothy sandwich dip, before!

Never mind, label says it’s just “Dave’s Au Jus.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saw a license plate labeled "Smth Jzz" today

I took comfort in knowing that there was someone else out there who enjoyed hopping on the couch after a long day's work and letting smooth jizz wash over them

I'm safe in Kentucky..

Warning label of a paint can: This product contains chemicals known to the state of California to cause cancer, birth defects or other reproductive harm.

Me: *whiffing the fumes* Thank God I'm safe in Kentucky.

A group of canned vegetables were sitting on a shelf

and one of them was twisting around and checking himself out.
"Hey!" He cried proudly. "I'm one hundred percent corn, nothing else!"
Some fancy new can of Brussels sprouts swiveled to look at him. "But who cares? You're just corn." He said witheringly.
"Well I'm not corn. I'm heirloom...

So I saw one of those "Drink for Pink" labels on a bottle of juice...

Sounds like Georgia Tech's hookup strategy.

Two men are organizing a herd of deer.

Two men are organizing a herd of deer.
Seeing as the had 26 deer, they decided to label each one with a letter of the alphabet. As they’re herding them into an enclosure, they realize they only had 25.

“One of them’s missing,” said the first man.

“Oh dear.”

BOSS: What's going on here?

BOSS: What's going on here?

JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-

DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!

JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus...

I got fired from my Job at Panda Express for forwarding pictures of bad stir fry.

My boss said I should have labeled them Not Safe For Wok

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

A tragedy in the Mystic town

The Mystic town is populated by the human powers, who oddly look like big canisters with labels on them, and is divided into two parts by a huge road. One side of the road is for "General Powers", where guys like Strength, Speed and Agility live. The other one is "Other's" half, where Karma, Qi, Wil...

A man was in the supermarket buying snacks for lunchtime when he saw a new babybel cheese with multi-colour wax.

The type of cheese wasn't labelled but he decided to try it anyway and found he really liked it. However, he couldn't decipher what cheese it was so he bought another one the next day.

The next day he yet again enjoyed it but still couldn't figure out what it was. His friend said he liked c...

A man was tracking down a chemistry teacher...

A man was tracking down a chemistry teacher who owed him money. He arrived at the school lab and found the teacher hiding behind a desk. The man reached for the nearest container, labeled CaCl2, threw it at the chemistry teacher, and yelled, "Where is my money?!"

The chemistry teacher held up...

My family is full of neatfreaks

They have their entire wardrobe planned out for the week.

They even labled their underwear "Monday", "Tuesday", "Wednesday", etc.

I decided I wanna do this too to try to be a little neater so I started labeling my underwear, too

Right now, I'm wearing February

I regularly mess with the owner of the restaurant across the road.

I myself am a restaurant owner and regularly go into the restaurant across the street to mess with the owners head.

It started out small, changing the salt in the salt shakers for sugar. Removing the labels from tin cans so they wouldn’t know what’s in them. During this whole time the owner ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump

Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton "disgusting" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the shit just comes straight out of his mouth.

&nbsp;

Edit: Thanks to everyone that found this joke funny. To all those I offended...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are off to prison, and they can each bring one item with them

The first mentions his carton of cigarettes. Not only can he smoke it, but he can trade it too.

The second mentions deck of cards. It has always helped him pass the time, and jail is definitely no exception.

The two guys look at the third, who is just quietly staring off into the dista...

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of s...

How can you can you spot a fake Van Gogh painting?

On the back, it'll be labeled "Ear-Regular."

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees ...

An electrician went to the buzzfeed headquarters,

He was asked to come because a power box was malfunctioning, He went to the reception and told them that he was there to fix the problem ,he was told to wait a minute . So he sat down at the reception. He saw that most of the people working there were in their twenties. He then wondered how advanced...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't priests take Viagra?

On the label of the box it says to keep away from children.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and orders a shot of whisky. While his drink is being poured, the man spots a jar of ten dollar bills sitting by the peanuts labeled, “bar challenge”.
Curious, the man asked the bartender what was up with that.
“That there is the current jackpot for this months bar challen...

A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store

He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk"

He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"

25 reasons why beer is better then a woman

25: Beer never gets a headache.

24: Beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.

23: You don’t have to wine and dine beer.

22: Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

21: You can enjoy a beer all month long.

20: Beer stai...

Being a manutd fan these days is annoying enough as it is

the other day I was talking about how good Liverpool are and I was labelled a traitor , questioned about my loyalty and insulted.

What do they think I am ? An undercover KOP?

How can you tell the difference between a can of soup and a can of baked beans?

Read the label.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.