My wife and I's marriage is built upon love and understanding.

She doesn't love me, and i don't understand her.

My boyfriend knows how understanding I am.

Thats why he always calls me miss understanding.

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A woman asks her most understanding friend for advice before her date.

Her friend asks what she thinks the problem in her love life is.

"Well, they tend to leave as soon as I start talking about politics. It's a part of my identity and I just can't help it."

The friend advises her to say everything in her head and judge whether it's political before sayin...

Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...

* If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
* If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
* If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.

Must be hard understanding Barcodes...

You gotta read between the lines.

I'm developing some flash cards to improve communication and understanding with my dog

Not much to speak of yet, I just have a handful of ruff sketches.

So proud of the children reading, understanding and expressing their 1st amendment rights the other day.

But man are they going to be embarrassed when they read the 2nd.

My douchebag nephew puts on loads of deodorant and I have a hard time understanding him.

He has too strong of an axe scent.

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took ...

Understanding two words, will open the most doors for you

Push and Pull

Undergarments aren't usually very understanding.

But bras are very supportive.

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My therapist says I need to be more understanding

So now I'm going to make sure I know what people mean when they tell me things.

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Man with premature ejaculation seeks understanding woman.

Nevermind, I'm done.

I was having trouble understanding the importance of the computer mouse...

And then it clicked.

Do you know why kleptomaniacs have such a hard time understanding puns?

Because they take things literally.

What do you call 'a woman's understanding'?

Misunderstanding

Understanding Engineers

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have
designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
T...

Understanding women

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A foreigners understanding of Romney - aka homeless people around the world

A homeless man is sitting in London, spreading shit on a piece of bread and the Prime Minister walks by and says: „Oh, you are so poor, have some money.” A homeless man is sitting in Moscow, spreading shit on a piece of bread and Medvedev walks by and says: „Oh, you are so poor, have some meal tick...

Understanding women is like...

Smelling the color 3.

I'm really bad at understanding some common phrases

and vice versa.

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A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely".

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy". Another student says, "Gras...

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One day a business man notices a little shop and decides he’ll check it out.

Where stands an old man. Before the business man could introduce himself. The old man, thinking that he is the town’s famed storyteller, began his great legend.

He started,”Do ye feel the sturdiness of this here frame? I built it with mine own two hands. But they don’t call me Poltroon the bu...

Three women at the Stairway to Heaven

Three women(brunette, redhead, blonde) all die, and find themselves at the foot of the Stairway to Heaven.

They are visited by an angel, who says, “For each step on the Stairway you take, you will hear a joke. If you do not laugh, you may continue; however, if you DO laugh, you must stop and...

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What do you call a sexy BLONDE that understands what you're saying?

A MissUnderstanding!

A man is walk on the beach, when he kicks a bottle.

Poof, out pops a genie. The genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother in-law gets double. Understanding the rule, the mans first wish is a billion dollars. The genie says, “ this means your mother in-law will get 2 billion”. “That’s fine”, replies the...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

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Two mathematicians and two physicists take a train to a science symposium

On the ride there just before their tickets are checked the mathmaticians go to the loo and hide together in one cubicle. When asked to present their tickets they slide one under the booth door.

The physicists are stumped, but smart as they are they use the same trick on the return journey. W...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

I told my friend his pH was over 7 and he didn't get it.

That's when I knew he lacked even a basic understanding of chemistry.

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A pony walks into a bar

The bartender looks up and says "hey buddy, why the long face?"

The pony looks up, blinking through tears and sort of whispers/croaks "my wife left me."

The bartender has a difficult time understanding the pony, who has obviously lost his voice, probably from crying so much and asks th...

An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach...

An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach wearing Speedo’s. While walking they get a lot of attention from women, but it seems that all the women are interested in the Italian guy!

After the day was over the guys are hanging out and the polish guy asks, “Ok you have to tell me w...

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There once lived a great detective...

There once lived a great detective named Stewart. He was the best detective of his time. But he was no ordinary detective. He could solve every case he encountered with the help of the magical powers bestowed to him by a fairy.

The fairy gave him the power to gain insight on any case by think...

A science teacher takes his young student aside...

A science teacher takes his young student aside in the lab one afternoon and tells him he wants to teach him a new way of discovering knowledge and developing understanding. He is an excellent student but tends to get caught up in the strictness of the scientific method.

"It's all very well t...

Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour

British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u

A little Catholic boy and a little Protestant girl, both about four years old, were growing up in Northern Ireland...

Even though Catholics and Protestants didn’t generally get along with one another, the two played together often, not understanding why their families said they shouldn’t be friends.

On one particularly hot day, the two were playing when the little girl said, “‘Tis terribly hot today. We sho...

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on...

Intelligent Crows

When I was in school, some professors noticed that the crows on campus were astoundingly intelligent. These crows recognized that when lights were green, cars could go and when they were red, cars would stop. Using this knowledge, the crows would put nuts on the crosswalk so that during a green ligh...

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Two students are late for school,

so their teacher sends them to the principal's office.

The first boy enters and sits down. The principal asks him why he was late, to which the boy responds, "I was throwing sticks in the lake." The principal, new at the school, thinks to himself, "Boy, this school sure is strict - that's no...

Grad School Romance

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.


Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to ge...

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A partially deaf kid and his mum

So, it’s a Saturday morning and this partially deaf kids mum asks him to go to the shops to pick up a some bread and a new clock and then he can stop by the stadium to pick up a football ticket for tomorrow’s game.

So off the kid heads to the bakery and being partially deaf he asks the baker ...

I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

Four freshman partied too hard during a music festival and unable to make it back for their final exam the next day

As they drove back to the college, they tried to think of a good excuse. Finally, they agreed to the same story: a tire was blown in the middle of nowhere at mid night so they were stuck. They each sent the professor an email asking to retake the exam and gave the excuse. The understanding professor...

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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The horse not understanding English shits on the floor and leaves

Captain Smith is an officer of the Union army.

One day, his unit gets overran by an overwhelming ambush by the Confederate army. He is captured and taken to a Confederate garrison where he is brought up to General Jones. To his surprise, he is greeted warmly and served a sumptuous lunch and aged bourbon by his captors.

"I'm sorry, Captain...

Meta-meta-joke

# Joke

A joke is something funny because unpredicatable that makes people laugh, giggle or smile. This is a a joke :



>I met a shepherd, we talked about ewe.



The fact that it takes a second to realize that "we talked about ewe" sounds like the well known sente...

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A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends

A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends. They have this tradition of meeting up at a certain coffee shop and talking about this and that while they eat their collective favorite desert; cherry pie.

One day, as the friends are enjoying their cherry pie, the topic of who’s religio...

A friend messaged me some encouraging words today...

What a thoughtful friend I thought as I read the words he wrote to me. It wasn't until I finished that I realized what he wanted in return...

"See The Bright Side.

Everyone Has Some Good In Them.

Never Go To Bed Mad.

Distrust Will Kill Any Relationship.

New Things ...

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.

He asked St Peter “what is with all the clocks?”

St Peter responded, “These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.”

The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that wa...

*Creating password*

"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"

ERROR: [Password two week]


^Edited ^for ^better ^understanding

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NSFW Fresh out of prison, this long time con tries out for a job playing at a piano bar...

So he plays a song for the bar owner who loves it. He gushes. “Incredible! You wrote that in prison?! What's the name of it?”


“I call that one “I smacked down the hooker who was sucking my cock!””


Taken back, the owner just gestures him on. “Play another!”


Again, a b...

Todd was dirt broke, no skills, and not the brightest bulb in the light-shop.

And to make it worse, his mom was always on his case about getting out and making something of himself. One day, sick of her nagging, he answered a help wanted ad.

“So you think you have what it takes to be a Repo man, Todd?” the interviewer asked.

“Sure, man. I got this.”

But T...

Why wives always win the argument

A man and his wife had a dispute. As a result of their spat, the woman left the room in a Huff, refusing to speak to the man. After several days, neither had spoken to the other and there was an unspoken understanding between the two of them at this point that whomever spoke out loud first was the l...

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A man wakes up in hospital...

Being still dizzy, he looks around in hopes of understanding what is going on. He sees a nurse beside his bed and asks her what has happened. The nurse says: "You were in a terrible car accident. You were lucky the doctors got to you on time... you were put together practically piece by piece... but...

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Newton is dead virgin

All his life he studied the laws of attraction, without understanding the gravity of his situation

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A father just had his first son...

"I'm going to give him everything he desires" the father said as he saw his newborn son.

As soon as the son started speaking, "Son what do you wish for?" The son replied..."ping pong balls" , the father wanting to keep his promise bought him that.

The child grew and was a brilliant kid...

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