My friend said we should tear down statues of Stephen Hawking

I didn’t know there were any statues of Stephen Hawking still standing.

Did you hear about the marble statue with low self esteem?

She was taken for granite

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each...

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from...

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If I die they should make my penis into a statue.

It would be erected in my honour…

What did Sherlock Holmes say to his sidekick once they had found the stolen Sandstone statue?

It's sedimentary my dear Watson!

Nelson was 5ft 4". His statue on top of the column in London is 18ft.

Thats Horatio of about 3:1

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

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Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been ...

A Nun walks into Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room...

A man goes to pray to a statue of an angel at his church

"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"

Then at least twice a day, if not more often, he goes to church, kneels for the statue and prays:

"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"

Then, after years of this, a miracle! The statue springs to life in an aura of ligh...

Statues

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for 30 minutes, during which...

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Statue

Two elderly women were walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later, the first women said, "Gracious! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second woman replied, "Yes, I was absolutely shocked. How can they display such a thing? The penis was so...

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So there was this magical forest with a marble statue of two nude lovers holding hands.

They stood tall in the center of the magical forest for hundreds of years. One day, by happenstance, the Spirit of the Forest reflected on the two lovers and felt pity for them. He decided to bring them to life. He mustered up enough of his magical power to cast a spell allowing them to be living hu...

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a s...

On our first date, we took turns humping the base of the Statue of Liberty

...we really got off on the right foot.

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A Jew walks into a church to see what it's all about

Before the pastor begins his sermon he exclaims: "Jews are not welcomed in this church! All Jews must leave immediately".

The Jew gets up, walks to the podium on which is standing a magnificent statue of Jesus, picks it up and says: "come on Yossle we are not welcomed here"

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The woodland statues and the Fairy

Two statues have stood facing each other for over a 1000 years. A handsome Male and a beautiful Female. One day a Fairy floats down from the sky and tells them that she has seen them there for ages and will treat them to half an hour as humans.

As soon as she had waved her magic wand and they...

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In the days of the old USSR an American and a Russian are arguing over who has the most freedom

The American starts by saying, “If I wanted to I could undo my zipper and take a piss in the middle of the day right on the front of the Statue of Liberty.” The Russian replies, “That’s nothing. In mother Russia I could go to Moscow, drop my pants and take a dump right in the middle of Red Square.”<...

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Soap for sister

Two men on a pilgrimage spend the night at a Nunnery. They take a shower across the hall. When they want to start they notice they forgot the soap and one of them quickly darts back to their room to get two little travel soaps. Just as he wants to cross the hallway two nuns walk by, thinking on his ...

Even during COVID, my church insists we line up and kiss the statue of Jesus on the Crucifix.

Have they never heard of cross contamination!?

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Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

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Two marble statues of a man an a woman facing each other stand in an old park for centuries.

God looks at them from the above. He feels sorry for them – they're looking at each other all those centuries and yet couldn't do anything more since they're made from marble – so one night, when nobody's around to see, he turns them into living couple and says:

"Okay. I made you alive and I'...

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Miraculous Statue

One morning two priests are showering and they realize they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap. He checks out the hallway, no one is around so rather than get dressed he decides to make a run for it. He checks the hall before heading back to the showers, all clear...

My spinster aunt thinks that statues of Jesus on the crucifix in only a loincloth is too revealing, so she has started covering them in appropriate clothing.

...aparently, she's a cross-dresser now.

A guy walks into a pawn shop, there's a brass statue of a cat.

He asks the shopkeeper, "How much for the statue?" Shopkeeper replies, "$20 for the statue, $20,000 for the story." He says various unkind words, pays $20 and takes his statue.

He walks down the street, but he starts hearing a murmuring noise behind him. Something small and subtle, he can't p...

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Two statues get visited by statue genie

And they get a wish. First one says they want to be alive. And poof! alive they are. Next one thinks about it long and hard and then tells it to genie. Genie nods, statues give each other a wink and they disappear behind some bushes. Couple of moments later there is some grunting heard and it goes o...

What happens when you leave a Chris Isaak wax statue in the sun for too long?

You get a Lyle Lovett wax statue.

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, \*POOF!\* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite s...

What did the statue say to the other statue?

"Statue?"

My granddad used to perform as a human statue.

I remember him, still.

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I'm glad they are taking down these Confederate statues

I don't believe in participation trophies.

What do racist statues and racists have in common in 2020?

Trouble staying erect

During a flight in a private jat, three millionaires are talking: an American, an Arab Sheik and a Brazilian.

At a certain
point in the travel, they wanted to know
where in the world they are. But the
American has an idea and says:
"I think we are in New York. Let me confirm"
So he opens his window (believe me, it was
a very modern airplane) and put his arm
out. "I was right. Just touch...

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A rich Yorkshire man is mourning the loss of his dog

He decides to memorialize it by getting a cast made of it. He goes to a jewelers and asks for a gold statue making of its likeness. The jeweler asks, "Do you want it 18 karat?" He replies, "No, I want it chewin a bone, you daft cunt!"

A competition is held to determine who is the world's best magician

David Blaine performs first with his famous trick. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the card disappears.

David Copperfield performs next. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the Statue of Liberty disappears.

Finally, a guy with a beard dressed in rags and sandals comes on stage. Nobody expe...

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You know you've hit rock bottom...

When you slap a statue's ass.

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Two statues in a park, one boy and one girl

One day an angel came down from heaven and was walking through a park when she noticed two lovely statues, one boy and one girl.

The angel thought to herself, "These statues seem so lifelike, and have brought so many people happiness and comfort just by their presence. I shall reward them fo...

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An angel is making his rounds on earth, when he comes across a pair of statues in a park, beautiful nude sculptures of a man and woman facing eachother..

They are placed at the entrance to the park, and the angel is stuck by how beautiful they are, and how tragic it is for then to be eternally so close, yet unable to touch. He decides he will use some of his power to animate them, and in an instant they stand before him.

"I have seen how dilig...

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My sexual desires have been getting out of control, but it wasn’t until I spanked a statue...

...that I knew I’d hit rock bottom.

Lawyer Joke

A man is visiting a seaside town and walks into a pawn shop. He sees a large statue of a rat. “How much for the rat statue?” he asks. The pawnbroker responds, “It’s $10 for the statue, but $20 if you want the story that goes with it,” to which the customer replied, “I only want the statue.”

H...

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In a city park stood two naked statues, a male and a female. They faced each other for many years. One morning an angel appeared and said, "Since you have brought joy to so many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do as you desire."

And with that command the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.

The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the...

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What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

Apparently they’re going to erect a statue in memory of Dame Vera Lynn ...

Don’t know where, don’t know when

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Two nude statues...

Two nude statues - one of a man, one of a woman - stand on opposite corners of a park, facing each other. After decades, a fairy godmother sees them and, feeling impish, turns them human. "You have an hour to do anything you like, then it's back on the pedestals with you."

The woman looks at ...

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What do British people and statues have in common?

WE NEVER FUCKING MOVE

To all the people who are upset at the fact that confederate statues are coming down, don’t worry.

You may have lost the battle, but you have won the....never mind.

Why did France give the Statue of Liberty to the USA?

Because the French had no use for a statue with only one hand in the air.

A man goes on an overnight business trip, and hires a babysitter to watch his two kids. It's an easy job with good pay, but she's creeped out by the life-sized clown statue he has in his den.

That night, the man calls to see how things are going.

The babysitter says: "Everything's great, the kids have been wonderful. But I had to throw my coat over that clown statue in your den. No offense but it's really creepy."

Horrified, the man replies: "*What?! I don't have a den! Gra...

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I don’t understand why people keep tearing down Confederate statues?

Shouldn’t the losers get to keep their participation trophies?

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

With all the talk about and acts of tearing down statues there should be a rule where a statue of a person stands for so many years before being re-evaluated...

We can call it the Statue of Limitations.

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What does a pig on top of the empire state building and a couple having sex next to the statue of liberty have in common?

They're both New Porkers

Heard about the Robert E Lee statue at Duke University campus?

[removed]

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Cheating on husband

A lady cheats on her husband , her husband always comes late and drunk , so she was having fun with the man in the bed , but this time her husband comes back a little bit early .

So she tell the man “ go stand between those two statues , he won’t notice he is drunk so don’t worry “

S...

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The park statue.

In this park there was a replica of Rodin's "The Kiss". It was, by far, the park's most beloved feature, and it was a popular place for young couples to meet and for people to propose.

One day, after all the visitors had left and the park gates had been locked, a fairy approached the statue,...

A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.

Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it."

The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do wa...

-I made a statue of Batman.

-What did you make it of?

-Just-ice.

[Long] A Russian Jew...

...is migrating to Israel after much paperwork and waiting.

At Moscow airport, customs found a statue of Lenin in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked: who is he? This is the most respected Comrade Leni...

Hand lotion!

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
<...

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Little Johnny’s parents told him never to look at nude women, or he’d become a statue

Johnny remembered this for all his childhood, and even as a teenager. One day, Johnny and his friend, Will were at the beach. Will then pointed out an attractive voluptuous woman sunbathing in the nude. Will kept staring, but Johnny ran away.

‘Johnny!’ called Will ‘What’s the matter? Didn’t y...

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After visiting The Getty my wife said the Greek statues reminded her of me.

“Really?”

“Yes. They all have little dicks too.”

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We should make a statue of whoever killed Hitler

The guy did a great job

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Someone sees a statue of Jesus made out of cigarette butts. Whats his reaction?

HOLY SMOKES!

I tried my best to translate this from Romanian

A nun walks into a bar and goes straight to the bartender

Nun: Hi! May I use your bathroom?

Bartender: Sure thing! But before you go in there's something you should know.

Nun: Yes?

Bartender: When you walk in, there's gonna be a statue of a dude wearing nothing but a lea...

Many gardeners mistakenly refer to the short, bearded statues they decorate their gardens with as "Elves".

It's a common misgnomer.

What would you call a Darth Vader statue?

Mannequin Skywalker.

Horse Statues

If a statue depicting a person on a horse with all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.


If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in a battle.


If a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in a ...

Heard police caught a guy trying to steal all the head statues at the museum

Apparently he got busted

Why did they make the hand on the Statue 11 inches long.

Well if they made it 12 inches it would have
been a foot.

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2 statues come to life

Once Upon a time there were two statues in a park. One had the body of a male the other of a female. They stood there for so long that god decided to give them life, so he sends down an angel. The angel gives them life and says: " You've got 2 hours before I have to turn you back to stone. In those ...

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Two statues, a man and woman, had stood watch in a park for along time.

One day, an angel came down and told the statues, "You two have stood watch in this park for so long and have been such exemplary statues, as a reward, I will snap my fingers, and you two will come to life for 30 minutes." The angel snapped his fingers, and the two statues blinked to life.

"...

I can't believe Penn State took the Joe Paterno Statue down.

They should have just turned it so it looked the other way.

There's a movie about people who carve statues of the dead that show only their heads and shoulders

Ghostbusters!

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

Freud, Darwin and the Pope walked into a bar.

Sitting on the counter is a weird, creepy statue. As they walk in, it's eyes seem to follow them.
They approach the bar, and to their shock the statue speaks. "Enjoy your beverages, mortals."

The three are stunned for a moment.
Darwin recovers first.
"This obviously is a product of ...

What did the New Zealand statue say to the other NZ statue?

'Stat chu bro?

A family were going out to go camping

A family were going out to go camping but 10 mins after they reached the motorway/highway they got stuck in huge traffic that would take hours to clear out, 15 mins later & they were still in traffic then one kid in the family says this "What do people & statues have in common" the farther a...

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In China, archaeologists recently discovered the oldest known statue of a penis...

...carbon dating estimates it came from the Dong Dynasty.

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A man is moaning while having an intense orgasm during sex...

"Sweet...mother...of God...!" he gasps

"Sir," someone says. "Please leave that Mary statue alone we're in the middle of a sermon."

People keep telling me that ancient statues of people are idealized to make the person look better.

I guess you could say their features are chiseled.

Why did Snoop Dogg go to the store before he sculpted his statue?

Fo' chisel.

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A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night.

Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and wom...

Did you hear about the guy caught stealing a statue?

The robbery was a bust.

King Midas's son never wanted to go into the gold statue business.

But his dad gilded him into it.

Three wise kings debated gifts for an upcoming baby shower.

"I've got it!" the first proclaimed. "Myrrh! I'll get some from our stores! The mother could make all manner of perfumes and medicine!"

"Fantastic idea!" the second agreed, and he gasped, "Frankincense! I have a bit left over from a recent voyage! I'll bring some along!"

They turned ...

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A man and woman statue magically cone to life...

In the park there is a statue of a man and woman, both nude. One day they are granted the ability to come to life, but for only 15 minutes.

They both look at each other and smile then run behind the bushes.

Almost immediately there is giggling and the bush is shaking like crazy.
...

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A Jew walks into a Christian church.

Avram went into a Church, took out his Tallis, placed it over his yarmulke, and proceeded to pray. the clergyman entered to start services, "Will all non-Christians please leave." Avram continued praying. Finally the angered clergyman moved toward Avram, "Will all JEWS please leave." At this, Avram ...

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I saw a statue of a dick

They erected it yesterday

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So there are these two statues in a plaza

and they've been placed in such a way that they stare deep into each other's eyes. They are stuck like this, never able to touch or talk.
One day, God grants them an hour of life out of pity. They immediately run into each other's arms and embrace the joy of the situation.
They spot ...

Once an American, a French and an Indian were travelling in an airplane.

To find out where they have reached, the American stretched his hand out of the plane and said, "We have reached America".

The other two asked how for which he replied,"Well my hand hit the Statue of Liberty".

Next the French stretches his hand out and said,"We have reached France"....

I’ve been told that I look like a Greek statue

But only from the waist down.

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I was told I was just like a Greek statue

I was happy until they clarified that they meant I am pale as fuck and have a small dick.

Confederate supporters say that we need to leave their statues up to teach history, and that is absolutely true

After all, it's not like they can read.

What do you call a well dressed lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythm?

A metro-gnome

A western guy gets a job polishing statues in a natural history museum in India

Before he starts working, some locals warn him of the last man who did this job. "Ve should inform you that the insect exhibit is cursed and the poor man's kid vound up dead after he vas seen cleaning here."

The guy says to them, "sounds like a bunch of superstitious nonsense!" and proceeds t...

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the statue of liberty?

Of course. The statue of liberty cant jump.

After I stole the priceless statue and turned the corner, I collided into the female security guard's chest...

...It was a huge bust.

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There are these two beautiful marble statues on either side of a big open piazza

For centuries they have stood frozen, starring longingly into each other's eyes.
One day the gods look down upon them with pity and decide to grant them one hour of mortal life. The statues, overwhelmed with joy, rush across the square and into each others arms and immediately run off into a bush...

Why do old people in the South want to keep Confederate statues around?

So they can at least have something that will stay up after 60 years.

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I realised how perverted and wrong touching someone's butt is, but it was when i slapped a statue...

When i realised that i've hit rock bottom.

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The Marble Statue

A woman cheating on her husband hears gets a call from him that he's almost home. "Shit," she yells to her lover, "you won't be able to get out in time. But I have an idea: take some of the flower in the kitchen and stand in the bedroom like a marble statue. Maybe he won't notice."

Husband co...

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Statue in the bedroom.

A lady is in the bedroom having sex with her lover when the husband pulls up to the driveway.

"Quick she says, rub this oil around your body and I'll cover you with baby powder and stand in the corner pretending you are a statue".

The husband comes upstairs and sees the statue and asks...

Michelangelo's Statue of David is one of the most important artworks ever created with marble

But I've always taken it for granite.

I work as a living statue.

It's a permanent position.

If an angel statue is removed from a fountain...

...would that make it a sans seraph font?

What did the statue say when he met his long lost statue brother?

He said, "Hey, is-statue?!"

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"

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A priest lived in a church with three nuns...

One evening the priest decided that he wanted to take a bath. He went to the washroom, filled the tub with water, and then undressed before he realized that he forgot to bring his soap.
He wraps himself in a towel around his waist and goes back to his room to retrieve his soap, grabbing an extr...

To solve world hunger we need to eat the rich and erect a giant statue of Bernie Sanders. Why do we need the statue?

Well, I’m glad that the first step didn’t raise any questions.

Next time you say Michelangelos statues suck just remember

>he had to go into the Nether to get all the quartz to make it. Have some respect for hard work.

Not many people know that Nelson was 5' 6" in real life. His statue in Trafalgar Square is 17'4"

That's a Horatio of around 3:1

If I go around spanking statues,

Does that mean I've hit rock bottom?

I wanted to move a statue of a god

But it remained idle.

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Did you hear the government is banning participation trophies?

They start taking down all confederate statues next week.

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There's a new exhibit at disneyworld that features statues of some disney favorite characters.

A tour guide is leading guests through the exhibit as they pass such favorites as Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, as well as Pluto. As they're going through they pass a statue that's in the shape of a giant turd. Puzzled, one of the guests pipes up and asks the tour guide, "what's the d...

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Statues in the park

In a city park there are two statues facing each other, one of a man, the other of a woman, both naked. One day an angel comes down from heaven and says to them "You both have endured so many years in peaceful repose. As your reward, I will grant you an hour of life to do what you most desire." With...

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There were two nude statues...

There were two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they've been put in place, an angel fluttered down to them. A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues had been given flesh, and they step down from their pedestals.

The...

Why can't statues move?

Because they're too stoned

If you hear a supernatural voice in your head telling you to destroy statues of the Ten Commandments, you might be mentally ill.

But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.

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