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Statue Jokes

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each...

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from...

I can't believe Penn State took the Joe Paterno Statue down.

They should have just turned it so it looked the other way.
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Confederate statues these days...

[removed]
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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite sat...

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...
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Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.
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Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been ...

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There were these two statues in a park.

They depicted two lovers, always straining towards each other, but never able to touch.

One day, an angel flew down from heaven and said to these statues,

"You have been such excellent statues across many years! God has decreed that as a reward for being such good statues, you will be ...

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My sexual desires have been getting out of control, but it wasn’t until I spanked a statue...

...that I knew I’d hit rock bottom.

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An anti-Establishment joke from India

A vagrant, finding no place on the pavement, parked himself at the feet of a statue of Mahatma Gandhi. At midnight he was woken up by someone gently tapping him with his stick. It was the Mahatma himself. ‘You Indians have been unfair to me,’ complained the benign spirit. "You put my statues everywh...

My date seemed ecstatic at first when I told her I had the body of an Ancient Greek statue

She didn’t seem as enthused when she found out I was only referring from the waist down!
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I started a business creating religious statues..

I have yet to make a prophet
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Remember when Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear?

To be honest, I just don't see the attraction.
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Two monks are taking a shower together.

Suddenly one of the monks notices that they forgot the soap. So he leaves the shower and runs to his room completely naked to grab some soap.

Once he's got the soap and is walking back he hears three nuns approaching.

Terrified that they might recognize him he freezes and pretends to b...

A man sees a life-sized rat statue in an old junk store.

And he isn't sure why, but he finds the rat statue very interesting and decides to buy it. Afterwards he's walking down the street holding the statue under his arm when he looks behind and sees two rats following him. A few minutes later there are more. Soon there are dozens or even hundreds of rats...
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Heard about the Robert E Lee statue at Duke University campus?

[removed]
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Clown Statue

A couple with children were trying out a new babysitter. About an hour after they left for a night on the town, they realized they had forgotten to give her their cell phone number, so one of them called her.

After she wrote down the number, the babysitter asked if she could watch satellite...
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I went to a museum and saw a statue of Genghis Khan holding a spear.

I came back the following week and I saw the same statue, but the spear had gone.

I thought maybe someone had gotten hurt on it and the spear was taken down, but honestly I don't know.

It's just one of my wild Khan's-spear-I-see theories.
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A Nun walks into Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room...
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I recently got arrested for sexually harassing a statue…

That’s when I hit rock bottom

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Two statues brought to life

Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years. An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire....

Omar Epps moved next to Chris Hemsworth.

Initially they didn't talk much, but after a little time they started having family get-togethers. They became good friends for a while, even going so far as to have little decoration challenges every holiday.

Omar always pulled out all the stops come Christmas, and he seemed to enjoy it so m...
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Miraculous Statue

One morning two priests are showering and they realize they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap. He checks out the hallway, no one is around so rather than get dressed he decides to make a run for it. He checks the hall before heading back to the showers, all clear...

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Two nude statues...

Two nude statues - one of a man, one of a woman - stand on opposite corners of a park, facing each other. After decades, a fairy godmother sees them and, feeling impish, turns them human. "You have an hour to do anything you like, then it's back on the pedestals with you."

The woman looks at ...

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Did you hear the government is banning participation trophies?

They start taking down all confederate statues next week.

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Statue

Two elderly women were walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later, the first women said, "Gracious! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second woman replied, "Yes, I was absolutely shocked. How can they display such a thing? The penis was so...

Statues

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for 30 minutes, during which...
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Two statues get visited by statue genie

And they get a wish. First one says they want to be alive. And poof! alive they are. Next one thinks about it long and hard and then tells it to genie. Genie nods, statues give each other a wink and they disappear behind some bushes. Couple of moments later there is some grunting heard and it goes o...

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A Jew walks into a church to see what it's all about

Before the pastor begins his sermon he exclaims: "Jews are not welcomed in this church! All Jews must leave immediately".

The Jew gets up, walks to the podium on which is standing a magnificent statue of Jesus, picks it up and says: "come on Yossle we are not welcomed here"

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The woodland statues and the Fairy

Two statues have stood facing each other for over a 1000 years. A handsome Male and a beautiful Female. One day a Fairy floats down from the sky and tells them that she has seen them there for ages and will treat them to half an hour as humans.

As soon as she had waved her magic wand and they...

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The statue lovers

Two ancient statues in a Roman park had been locking eyes for over 1000 years, their bodies arched toward each other with the promise of a warm embrace. One day a mystical gypsy woman stumbled upon the statues in the park and had an idea.

She used her dark gypsy ways to bring the statues to ...

Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from o...
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What did the New Zealand statue say to the other NZ statue?

'Stat chu bro?
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Statue in the bedroom.

A lady is in the bedroom having sex with her lover when the husband pulls up to the driveway.

"Quick she says, rub this oil around your body and I'll cover you with baby powder and stand in the corner pretending you are a statue".

The husband comes upstairs and sees the statue and asks...

Did you hear about the marble statue with low self esteem?

She was taken for granite
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My friend said we should tear down statues of Stephen Hawking

I didn’t know there were any statues of Stephen Hawking still standing.
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Two statues

There are two statues in the park, 9 feet (3 meters) apart. A handsome young man and a beautiful young woman, staring into each other’s eyes in love, but helpless to move to fulfill their shared desire.

One day a benevolent wizard is walking through the park and sees them. Filled with pit...

What did the statue say when he met his long lost statue brother?

He said, "Hey, is-statue?!"
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A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked, but after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss.

"I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said.

"Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"

"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."
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So there was this magical forest with a marble statue of two nude lovers holding hands.

They stood tall in the center of the magical forest for hundreds of years. One day, by happenstance, the Spirit of the Forest reflected on the two lovers and felt pity for them. He decided to bring them to life. He mustered up enough of his magical power to cast a spell allowing them to be living hu...

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The park statue.

In this park there was a replica of Rodin's "The Kiss". It was, by far, the park's most beloved feature, and it was a popular place for young couples to meet and for people to propose.

One day, after all the visitors had left and the park gates had been locked, a fairy approached the statue,...

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If I die they should make my penis into a statue.

It would be erected in my honour…

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Two Jewish boys were in a concentration camp together...

During their time there they became like brothers and when the war ended, they decided that they should live together as such. Many years go by until one of them wins the lottery.

"I can't believe you won the lottery! What are you going to do with all that money?"

"First, I'll buy us a...

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Statues in the park

In a city park there are two statues facing each other, one of a man, the other of a woman, both naked. One day an angel comes down from heaven and says to them "You both have endured so many years in peaceful repose. As your reward, I will grant you an hour of life to do what you most desire." With...

Is this a very old joke?

A Greek lands on a beautiful uninhabited island and writes a poem about it.

A Roman finds another beautiful island devoid of people and he builds a statue to himself there.

A Celt finds yet a third island with no people and starts a fight.

**I just thought of a variant:**
...
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Two statues, a man and woman, had stood watch in a park for along time.

One day, an angel came down and told the statues, "You two have stood watch in this park for so long and have been such exemplary statues, as a reward, I will snap my fingers, and you two will come to life for 30 minutes." The angel snapped his fingers, and the two statues blinked to life.

"...

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Two marble statues of a man an a woman facing each other stand in an old park for centuries.

God looks at them from the above. He feels sorry for them – they're looking at each other all those centuries and yet couldn't do anything more since they're made from marble – so one night, when nobody's around to see, he turns them into living couple and says:

"Okay. I made you alive and I'...

-I made a statue of Batman.

-What did you make it of?

-Just-ice.
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Why did Snoop Dogg go to the store before he sculpted his statue?

Fo' chisel.
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It's amazing that the ancient Greek sculptors made statues without arms.

I mean, how did they hold the tools?
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A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations...

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

What Did the Statue Say to the Other Statue?

Is-tat-u?
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A statue of two naked lovers has been in a park for 100 years.

God sees them and touched by their love sends down an Angel. The Angel waves his hand and the statues become alive. The angel says." God has granted you 30 minutes of life to do with what you will."

The two immediately run into the bushes where there is rustling and laughter. Fifteen minutes ...

There's 2 statues in a dark room, what did one statue say to the other statue?

Is statue?
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The just erected a statue of the first insane man to be locked up at Ashworth secure hospital.

It's a Monumental.
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What did Sherlock Holmes say to his sidekick once they had found the stolen Sandstone statue?

It's sedimentary my dear Watson!
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So a guy living in Afhganistan was arrested for constantly rebuilding a statue of St. Peter after people kept breaking it down.

He's a re-Pete offender

this was an original joke and please don't track my IP address I value my life
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I was told I was just like a Greek statue

I was happy until they clarified that they meant I am pale as fuck and have a small dick.

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The Marble Statue

A woman cheating on her husband hears gets a call from him that he's almost home. "Shit," she yells to her lover, "you won't be able to get out in time. But I have an idea: take some of the flower in the kitchen and stand in the bedroom like a marble statue. Maybe he won't notice."

Husband co...

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The Definition of Politics

A Russian Jew successfully secured relocation to Israel.

At the Moscow airport, when conducting a search of his belongings, the customs official found a statue in his case.

He asked the traveler:

‘What is this?’

The traveler replied:

‘That is the wrong question, co...

A guy walks into a pawn shop, there's a brass statue of a cat.

He asks the shopkeeper, "How much for the statue?" Shopkeeper replies, "$20 for the statue, $20,000 for the story." He says various unkind words, pays $20 and takes his statue.

He walks down the street, but he starts hearing a murmuring noise behind him. Something small and subtle, he can't p...
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A Statue of Two Lovers

Out in the middle of a park, there is a beautiful statute of a young man and a young woman, holding hands while looking lovingly at each other. One day, an angel appears, and brings the statutes to life. The angel says, "You have been like that for decades, and as a reward, I have brought you to l...

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We should make a statue of whoever killed Hitler

The guy did a great job

My granddad used to perform as a human statue.

I remember him, still.
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So this guy bought a car

And being a practicing Catholic, decided to ask his priest to bless it. So the priest prayed and sprinkled some holy water over it. Then he gave him a rosary and a statue of the Holy Virgin to place in the car.

A Buddhist bought a car and asked a monk to bless it. The monk burned some incens...

I work as a living statue.

It's a permanent position.
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What would you call a Darth Vader statue?

Mannequin Skywalker.
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Nelson was 5ft 4". His statue on top of the column in London is 18ft.

Thats Horatio of about 3:1
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Horse Statues

If a statue depicting a person on a horse with all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.


If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in a battle.


If a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in a ...
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A man goes to pray to a statue of an angel at his church

"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"

Then at least twice a day, if not more often, he goes to church, kneels for the statue and prays:

"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"

Then, after years of this, a miracle! The statue springs to life in an aura of ligh...
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What do British people and statues have in common?

WE NEVER FUCKING MOVE

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When you slap a greek statue's ass...

You know you've hit rock bottom.

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I saw a statue of a dick

They erected it yesterday

Why can't statues move?

Because they're too stoned
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20 Minutes

Two statues, a man and a woman, are sitting in a park where they have been for years. One day, an angel comes down from the heavens and gives life to these two statues.

Angel: "Ok you two, because of the limits of my power I can only grant you 20 minutes of life. What you do is up to you, s...

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There were two nude statues...

There were two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they've been put in place, an angel fluttered down to them. A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues had been given flesh, and they step down from their pedestals.

The...

Protesters pulled down a statue of Francis Scott Key last weekend

Francis Got Keystered.
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If I go around spanking statues,

Does that mean I've hit rock bottom?
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A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.

Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it."

The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do wa...
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Why did the French give USA the Statue of Liberty?

Because they have no use for a statue with only one arm up.
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Did you hear about the guy caught stealing a statue?

The robbery was a bust.
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To solve world hunger we need to eat the rich and erect a giant statue of Bernie Sanders. Why do we need the statue?

Well, I’m glad that the first step didn’t raise any questions.
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I don’t understand why people keep tearing down Confederate statues?

Shouldn’t the losers get to keep their participation trophies?

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Two statues

Two statues, a boy and a girl, had been on display in the city park for over 50 years. Then came a day when an angel descended from the heavens and began talking to the statues, saying that they had brought happiness to the residents for many years and that the angel would grant them the greatest g...

With all the talk about and acts of tearing down statues there should be a rule where a statue of a person stands for so many years before being re-evaluated...

We can call it the Statue of Limitations.
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Can a kangaroo jump higher than the statue of liberty?

Of course. The statue of liberty cant jump.
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What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

Why did they make the hand on the Statue 11 inches long.

Well if they made it 12 inches it would have
been a foot.
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Statues sure have a hard life

They are always erect.
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Someone sees a statue of Jesus made out of cigarette butts. Whats his reaction?

HOLY SMOKES!

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So there are these two statues in a plaza

and they've been placed in such a way that they stare deep into each other's eyes. They are stuck like this, never able to touch or talk.
One day, God grants them an hour of life out of pity. They immediately run into each other's arms and embrace the joy of the situation.
They spot ...

Statue of Liberty

How do you know the Statue of Liberty isn't French?
It doesn't have both arms raised.

And yes I know the French manufactured the Statue of Liberty and gave it to the United States
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There are these two beautiful marble statues on either side of a big open piazza

For centuries they have stood frozen, starring longingly into each other's eyes.
One day the gods look down upon them with pity and decide to grant them one hour of mortal life. The statues, overwhelmed with joy, rush across the square and into each others arms and immediately run off into a bush...

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There were two statues...

...him and her, on a pedestal for hundreds of years. One day God noticed them and sent St. Peter to bring them to life, giving them an hour of life as a reward for enduring the weather for that long.
So St. Peter revives them and tells them the deal "for enduring hot sun, blizzards, hail e...

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In China, archaeologists recently discovered the oldest known statue of a penis...

...carbon dating estimates it came from the Dong Dynasty.

What do racist statues and racists have in common in 2020?

Trouble staying erect
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I wanted to move a statue of a god

But it remained idle.
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Texas refuses to remove its statues.

Hurricane volunteers to help.
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King Midas's son never wanted to go into the gold statue business.

But his dad gilded him into it.
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Next time you say Michelangelos statues suck just remember

>he had to go into the Nether to get all the quartz to make it. Have some respect for hard work.

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A man goes into a shop in Chinatown and sees a gold sculpture of a rat.

He can't stop staring at it. It's like something is calling out to him. He asks the old man behind the counter "How much for the statue?"

The old man strokes his beard and replies "$10 for the statue, $100 for the story."

"Story? Forget that I'll just take the statue," the man says. He...
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What does the Statue Of Liberty stand for

She can't sit down.
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