UPJOKE
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Mrs. Johnson

There was a lady who was cheating on her husband with a boyfriend. One day while they were getting intimate she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she start...

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each...

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from...

So a guy living in Afhganistan was arrested for constantly rebuilding a statue of St. Peter after people kept breaking it down.

He's a re-Pete offender

this was an original joke and please don't track my IP address I value my life

I knew my fetishes were getting out of hand, when I spanked a statue…

I had hit rock bottom

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I recently got arrested for sexually harassing a statue…

That’s when I hit rock bottom

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Two statues

There are two statues in the park, 9 feet (3 meters) apart. A handsome young man and a beautiful young woman, staring into each other’s eyes in love, but helpless to move to fulfill their shared desire.

One day a benevolent wizard is walking through the park and sees them. Filled with pit...

Did you hear about the marble statue with low self esteem?

She was taken for granite

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Are you hungry, statue?

While in bed with her lover, the woman suddenly heard her husband at the front door. “Quick,” she whispered. “Sprinkle this flour over you and pretend that you’re a statue.”
“Hi, honey. What’s this?” Her husband asked as he entered the bedroom.
“It’s our new statue,” she explained. “The Smiths...

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

My friend said we should tear down statues of Stephen Hawking

I didn’t know there were any statues of Stephen Hawking still standing.

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There were two statues in a park, one of a naked man, and one of a naked woman. They had been facing each other for a hundred years across a pathway, when one day an angel comes down, and with a single gesture brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pati...

Clown Statue

A couple with children were trying out a new babysitter. About an hour after they left for a night on the town, they realized they had forgotten to give her their cell phone number, so one of them called her.

After she wrote down the number, the babysitter asked if she could watch satellite...

A man goes into a shop in Chinatown and sees a gold sculpture of a rat.

He can't stop staring at it. It's like something is calling out to him. He asks the old man behind the counter "How much for the statue?"

The old man strokes his beard and replies "$10 for the statue, $100 for the story."

"Story? Forget that I'll just take the statue," the man says. He...

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Bathroom

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while, the lights would turn off.

Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the reveler...

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If I die they should make my penis into a statue.

It would be erected in my honour…

What did Sherlock Holmes say to his sidekick once they had found the stolen Sandstone statue?

It's sedimentary my dear Watson!

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Two marble statues of a man an a woman facing each other stand in an old park for centuries.

God looks at them from the above. He feels sorry for them – they're looking at each other all those centuries and yet couldn't do anything more since they're made from marble – so one night, when nobody's around to see, he turns them into living couple and says:

"Okay. I made you alive and I'...

Nelson was 5ft 4". His statue on top of the column in London is 18ft.

Thats Horatio of about 3:1

It's amazing that the ancient Greek sculptors made statues without arms.

I mean, how did they hold the tools?

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So there was this magical forest with a marble statue of two nude lovers holding hands.

They stood tall in the center of the magical forest for hundreds of years. One day, by happenstance, the Spirit of the Forest reflected on the two lovers and felt pity for them. He decided to bring them to life. He mustered up enough of his magical power to cast a spell allowing them to be living hu...

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Two statues were in a park

Two statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such great statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can...

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Statue

Two elderly women were walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later, the first women said, "Gracious! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second woman replied, "Yes, I was absolutely shocked. How can they display such a thing? The penis was so...

Even during COVID, my church insists we line up and kiss the statue of Jesus on the Crucifix.

Have they never heard of cross contamination!?

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The woodland statues and the Fairy

Two statues have stood facing each other for over a 1000 years. A handsome Male and a beautiful Female. One day a Fairy floats down from the sky and tells them that she has seen them there for ages and will treat them to half an hour as humans.

As soon as she had waved her magic wand and they...

A guy walks into a pawn shop, there's a brass statue of a cat.

He asks the shopkeeper, "How much for the statue?" Shopkeeper replies, "$20 for the statue, $20,000 for the story." He says various unkind words, pays $20 and takes his statue.

He walks down the street, but he starts hearing a murmuring noise behind him. Something small and subtle, he can't p...

On our first date, we took turns humping the base of the Statue of Liberty

...we really got off on the right foot.

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, \*POOF!\* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite s...

Confederate statues these days...

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My spinster aunt thinks that statues of Jesus on the crucifix in only a loincloth is too revealing, so she has started covering them in appropriate clothing.

...aparently, she's a cross-dresser now.

Heard about the Robert E Lee statue at Duke University campus?

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I can't believe Penn State took the Joe Paterno Statue down.

They should have just turned it so it looked the other way.

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I'm glad they are taking down these Confederate statues

I don't believe in participation trophies.

A man goes to pray to a statue of an angel at his church

"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"

Then at least twice a day, if not more often, he goes to church, kneels for the statue and prays:

"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"

Then, after years of this, a miracle! The statue springs to life in an aura of ligh...

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Deborah met with her friend Judy one Sunday afternoon, and Deborah began talking about her husband's new favorite pastime

"Oh yes," said Deborah with the grandest smile on her face, "everything has been so much better between Henry and I ever since he joined his 'Swingers Club'!"

Judy's utter shock forced her to spit out all the tea she was sipping on, and she tried to form a proper response as her mind became s...

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Two statues get visited by statue genie

And they get a wish. First one says they want to be alive. And poof! alive they are. Next one thinks about it long and hard and then tells it to genie. Genie nods, statues give each other a wink and they disappear behind some bushes. Couple of moments later there is some grunting heard and it goes o...

-I made a statue of Batman.

-What did you make it of?

-Just-ice.

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Two nude statues...

Two nude statues - one of a man, one of a woman - stand on opposite corners of a park, facing each other. After decades, a fairy godmother sees them and, feeling impish, turns them human. "You have an hour to do anything you like, then it's back on the pedestals with you."

The woman looks at ...

Apparently they’re going to erect a statue in memory of Dame Vera Lynn ...

Don’t know where, don’t know when

What do racist statues and racists have in common in 2020?

Trouble staying erect

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What do British people and statues have in common?

WE NEVER FUCKING MOVE

To all the people who are upset at the fact that confederate statues are coming down, don’t worry.

You may have lost the battle, but you have won the....never mind.

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

The Nigerian ambassador goes to visit the house of the ambassador of France

It's a huge and luxurious house with gardens, pools, greek statues and paintings.

The Nigerian ambassador wanders with the French ambassador after dining. The Nigerian ambassador then asks to the French ambassador how did he do to afford that house.
The French ambassador then tells him to ...

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A Jew walks into a church to see what it's all about

Before the pastor begins his sermon he exclaims: "Jews are not welcomed in this church! All Jews must leave immediately".

The Jew gets up, walks to the podium on which is standing a magnificent statue of Jesus, picks it up and says: "come on Yossle we are not welcomed here"

My granddad used to perform as a human statue.

I remember him, still.

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

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I don’t understand why people keep tearing down Confederate statues?

Shouldn’t the losers get to keep their participation trophies?

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We should make a statue of whoever killed Hitler

The guy did a great job

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Two statues brought to life

Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years. An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire....

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What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

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The park statue.

In this park there was a replica of Rodin's "The Kiss". It was, by far, the park's most beloved feature, and it was a popular place for young couples to meet and for people to propose.

One day, after all the visitors had left and the park gates had been locked, a fairy approached the statue,...

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An angel is making his rounds on earth, when he comes across a pair of statues in a park, beautiful nude sculptures of a man and woman facing eachother..

They are placed at the entrance to the park, and the angel is stuck by how beautiful they are, and how tragic it is for then to be eternally so close, yet unable to touch. He decides he will use some of his power to animate them, and in an instant they stand before him.

"I have seen how dilig...

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Two statues, a man and woman, had stood watch in a park for along time.

One day, an angel came down and told the statues, "You two have stood watch in this park for so long and have been such exemplary statues, as a reward, I will snap my fingers, and you two will come to life for 30 minutes." The angel snapped his fingers, and the two statues blinked to life.

"...

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Someone sees a statue of Jesus made out of cigarette butts. Whats his reaction?

HOLY SMOKES!

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Little Johnny’s parents told him never to look at nude women, or he’d become a statue

Johnny remembered this for all his childhood, and even as a teenager. One day, Johnny and his friend, Will were at the beach. Will then pointed out an attractive voluptuous woman sunbathing in the nude. Will kept staring, but Johnny ran away.

‘Johnny!’ called Will ‘What’s the matter? Didn’t y...

With all the talk about and acts of tearing down statues there should be a rule where a statue of a person stands for so many years before being re-evaluated...

We can call it the Statue of Limitations.

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I was told I was just like a Greek statue

I was happy until they clarified that they meant I am pale as fuck and have a small dick.

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Statue in the bedroom.

A lady is in the bedroom having sex with her lover when the husband pulls up to the driveway.

"Quick she says, rub this oil around your body and I'll cover you with baby powder and stand in the corner pretending you are a statue".

The husband comes upstairs and sees the statue and asks...

Why did Snoop Dogg go to the store before he sculpted his statue?

Fo' chisel.

A man goes on an overnight business trip, and hires a babysitter to watch his two kids. It's an easy job with good pay, but she's creeped out by the life-sized clown statue he has in his den.

That night, the man calls to see how things are going.

The babysitter says: "Everything's great, the kids have been wonderful. But I had to throw my coat over that clown statue in your den. No offense but it's really creepy."

Horrified, the man replies: "*What?! I don't have a den! Gra...

Why did they make the hand on the Statue 11 inches long.

Well if they made it 12 inches it would have
been a foot.

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A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night.

Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and wom...

What did the statue order from the bar

A stiff drink

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Soap for sister

Two men on a pilgrimage spend the night at a Nunnery. They take a shower across the hall. When they want to start they notice they forgot the soap and one of them quickly darts back to their room to get two little travel soaps. Just as he wants to cross the hallway two nuns walk by, thinking on his ...

Did you hear about the guy caught stealing a statue?

The robbery was a bust.

Why did the French give USA the Statue of Liberty?

Because they have no use for a statue with only one arm up.

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In China, archaeologists recently discovered the oldest known statue of a penis...

...carbon dating estimates it came from the Dong Dynasty.

Many gardeners mistakenly refer to the short, bearded statues they decorate their gardens with as "Elves".

It's a common misgnomer.

What would you call a Darth Vader statue?

Mannequin Skywalker.

What did the statue say when he met his long lost statue brother?

He said, "Hey, is-statue?!"

Heard police caught a guy trying to steal all the head statues at the museum

Apparently he got busted

Control system theory joke

As Polish airline is flying into New York City, the captain announces over the address system, “for those of you on the right side of the aircraft, you can see the Statue of Liberty out your window.“

Immediately everyone in the seats on the left crowded into the right side, leaning over the o...

After I stole the priceless statue and turned the corner, I collided into the female security guard's chest...

...It was a huge bust.

Old army joke from Romania(Ukraine's neighbor) about Russian soldiers

This joke was left to me by my grandfather who fought in a couple of wars before he passed away and it's in regard to statues of Russian soldiers in the old USSR.



Russian soldiers,

why did they put you

up there?

Because you lied to the people,

or because y...

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A man and woman statue magically cone to life...

In the park there is a statue of a man and woman, both nude. One day they are granted the ability to come to life, but for only 15 minutes.

They both look at each other and smile then run behind the bushes.

Almost immediately there is giggling and the bush is shaking like crazy.
...

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The Marble Statue

A woman cheating on her husband hears gets a call from him that he's almost home. "Shit," she yells to her lover, "you won't be able to get out in time. But I have an idea: take some of the flower in the kitchen and stand in the bedroom like a marble statue. Maybe he won't notice."

Husband co...

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I realised how perverted and wrong touching someone's butt is, but it was when i slapped a statue...

When i realised that i've hit rock bottom.

What did the New Zealand statue say to the other NZ statue?

'Stat chu bro?

King Midas's son never wanted to go into the gold statue business.

But his dad gilded him into it.

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There are these two beautiful marble statues on either side of a big open piazza

For centuries they have stood frozen, starring longingly into each other's eyes.
One day the gods look down upon them with pity and decide to grant them one hour of mortal life. The statues, overwhelmed with joy, rush across the square and into each others arms and immediately run off into a bush...

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After visiting The Getty my wife said the Greek statues reminded her of me.

“Really?”

“Yes. They all have little dicks too.”

Confederate supporters say that we need to leave their statues up to teach history, and that is absolutely true

After all, it's not like they can read.

If an angel statue is removed from a fountain...

...would that make it a sans seraph font?

I work as a living statue.

It's a permanent position.

What do you call a well dressed lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythm?

A metro-gnome

Michelangelo's Statue of David is one of the most important artworks ever created with marble

But I've always taken it for granite.

There's a movie about people who carve statues of the dead that show only their heads and shoulders

Ghostbusters!

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I saw a statue of a dick

They erected it yesterday

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"

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The statue lovers

Two ancient statues in a Roman park had been locking eyes for over 1000 years, their bodies arched toward each other with the promise of a warm embrace. One day a mystical gypsy woman stumbled upon the statues in the park and had an idea.

She used her dark gypsy ways to bring the statues to ...

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Statues in the park

In a city park there are two statues facing each other, one of a man, the other of a woman, both naked. One day an angel comes down from heaven and says to them "You both have endured so many years in peaceful repose. As your reward, I will grant you an hour of life to do what you most desire." With...

A western guy gets a job polishing statues in a natural history museum in India

Before he starts working, some locals warn him of the last man who did this job. "Ve should inform you that the insect exhibit is cursed and the poor man's kid vound up dead after he vas seen cleaning here."

The guy says to them, "sounds like a bunch of superstitious nonsense!" and proceeds t...

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the statue of liberty?

Of course. The statue of liberty cant jump.

People keep telling me that ancient statues of people are idealized to make the person look better.

I guess you could say their features are chiseled.

Horse Statues

If a statue depicting a person on a horse with all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.


If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in a battle.


If a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in a ...

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So there are these two statues in a plaza

and they've been placed in such a way that they stare deep into each other's eyes. They are stuck like this, never able to touch or talk.
One day, God grants them an hour of life out of pity. They immediately run into each other's arms and embrace the joy of the situation.
They spot ...

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A Statue of Two Lovers

Out in the middle of a park, there is a beautiful statute of a young man and a young woman, holding hands while looking lovingly at each other. One day, an angel appears, and brings the statutes to life. The angel says, "You have been like that for decades, and as a reward, I have brought you to l...

Not many people know that Nelson was 5' 6" in real life. His statue in Trafalgar Square is 17'4"

That's a Horatio of around 3:1

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When you slap a greek statue's ass...

You know you've hit rock bottom.

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A statue of two naked lovers has been in a park for 100 years.

God sees them and touched by their love sends down an Angel. The Angel waves his hand and the statues become alive. The angel says." God has granted you 30 minutes of life to do with what you will."

The two immediately run into the bushes where there is rustling and laughter. Fifteen minutes ...

To solve world hunger we need to eat the rich and erect a giant statue of Bernie Sanders. Why do we need the statue?

Well, I’m glad that the first step didn’t raise any questions.

A terrorist tells the suicide bomber they shouldn't attack the Statue of Liberty, because she's "too easy" ...

The bomber shrugs and replies "Eh, I'd still bang"

I wanted to move a statue of a god

But it remained idle.

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There were two nude statues...

There were two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they've been put in place, an angel fluttered down to them. A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues had been given flesh, and they step down from their pedestals.

The...

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What do you call a broken statue with nice tits?

A busted busty bust.

If you hear a supernatural voice in your head telling you to destroy statues of the Ten Commandments, you might be mentally ill.

But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.

My attempt to steal that head of a statue failed.

Well, I guess it was a bust.

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