UPJOKE
technologicalskilledscientificpracticalspecializedcommercialproficientmechanicaltechnologyscienceexpertiseskilldesignacademiceducational

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If you visit a nude beach for seniors, you're technically not supposed to stare.

But it's a gray area.

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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.


Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776


\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

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What do you call a cow without legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow masturbating?

Beef stroganoff. (technically cows can't masturbate)

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to...

A husband and wife are in the doctor's office

The wife says "doctor, my husband suffers from erectile dysfunction". The husband interjects "well, technically it's her who suffers from it".

Technically, Moses was the first man in history to download data from the cloud to his tablet.

Technically, Moses was the first man in history to download data from the cloud to his tablet. And lucky the data is also in the cloud, cause he got angry and smashed his tablet, so he needed a new one to download everything again.

You know what they say about family - blood is thicker than water.

But maple syrup is thicker than blood, so technically pancakes are more important than family.

Technically speaking

We have all kicked a pregnant woman.

My girlfriend was born in a leap year so technically she is 4 lol

And 1 in leap years

So, I was in my room and I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically. I felt bad, so I made a small house for them out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my...

Tenants

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The average horse weighs 1000lbs

The average horse weighs about 1000lbs
The average horse's cock is 20 inches
Thats a ratio of 50lbs per inch
Therefore, if a 200lb man has a 4 inch cock
He's technically hung like a horse

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Technically it's not boob sweat,

it's humidititties

Technically, national anthems

are just country music

A History of Mazda

(I hope this isn't technically a Rule 6 violation)

Mazda is suffering in car sales, and so begins some new lines of products and tag lines.

They get into gardening, bloom bloom,

The military, boom boom,

Condoms, coom coom,

Textiles, loom loom,

Psychedelics,...

Technically, killing furries isn't manslaughter

It's poaching.

The asteroid event that ended dinosaurs

was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone

Iron Man is technically a FEmale.

I will downvote myself on the way out....

Technically Trump was right about when Covid-19 would go away.

Odds are we'll be opening back up by Easter.

Did you know a group of crows is called a murder?

Well… technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws

Technically it was Moses.....

that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

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Technically we're all Jokers

Cause we're all getting fucked over by a bat man.

A Cambridge student was sitting an exam...

A Cambridge student was sitting an exam in one of the University's oldest and most traditional schools.

Midway through, he leapt to his feet and loudly demanded a pint of ale.

The startled head examiner asked the student to explain himself immediately.

The student promptly cite...

My friend is an audio engineer.

I hear he's technically very sound.

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If you fuck a snowperson…

Would you technically be breaking the ice?

Uzbekistan is double-landlocked, being surrounded by Kazickstan, Afganistan, Turkmenistan, Kygenistan, and Tajikistan, all landlocked! So technically, Uzbeckistan is...

STANlocked.

Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…"

"…country music."

Ironman is technically a woman

Because he’s Fe-male

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Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my butt onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.

I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try butt stuff just so we can hold hands.

The surgeon's going to hand my ass to me.

If I high five someone did they technically smack my ass?

MS Joke

A helicopter with a pilot and a passenger was flying around above a large city when a malfunction disabled all of it's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get to their destination.

...

When you think about it, technically all Australian submarines are down under.

.............I'll let that sink in.

Flavored lube is technically meat seasoning if you think about it

Wouldn’t use it on the grill, though

Only technically savy people like ME know how to text and dri

Draft: Only technically savy people like ME know how to text and dri

She's technically not wrong...

This actually happened last night with my girlfriend...
Me: So did you read 1984?
She: Yeah, I did...utopian society right?
Me:No it is the total opposite...do you know the opposite of utopian?
She: yeah..Ethiopia right?
and yes she was being totally serious.

Mohammad bin Salman is 33 making him, technically, a Millennial...

...so now Baby Boomers can add "Journalists" to their list of "things Millennials are killing".

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water...

So it's technically flat.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

A vampire dies and he goes to the heaven

And he meets the God, the God says:

"I see you were a good vampire, never hurts any human, and only feed on ox blood, didn’t you?"

"Yes, yes my lord." The vampire answers humbly.

"So," the God says, "I will give you a chance for you to choose your own next life, you could be a...

What do roundworms and a toad with no iron have in common?

They're both anemotodes.




Not technically OC, my mom came up with it

A man is walking on the sandy beaches of the US east coast

When suddenly he bumps his foot at something. Moving away some sand he finds it to be a magic lamp. He immediately starts rubbing the lamp and a genie appears.

Being grateful for being released after 200 years, the genie offered the man to make one wish of something he really wanted in his li...

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I'm technically 5'11" but whenever people ask I just say I'm 6'0".

I do it for the same reason I tell people I have a four inch penis - what's an extra inch, anyway?

How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, technically just two. It would have to be a pretty huge lightbulb to fit them though.

Mortal Kombat

Did you know mortal kombat is based on an old nordic folk song?
Well it's technically a Finnish hymn

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

I have the reflexes of a cat

Before you comment, please remember, a dead cat is still technically a cat!

Two redditors walk into a bar.

"Well technically," the first argues, "it is a Pub since it serves food."

"Actually," the second says, "it is a Saloon since it is a part of a hotel."

Neither remembers the point of this post.

Two guys are in a helicopter.

During their flight the helicopter encounters some dense fog and quickly becomes lost. After a few minutes of careful maneuvering, the two find themselves hovering next to a large building where they can see a guy in his office, sitting at his desk. Thinking quickly, the copilot grabs a piece of pap...

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The person who proofread Hitler's speeches....

Would he technically be a grammar nazi?

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