UPJOKE
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What do you call a Russian footballer who keeps fouling?

Sendimov

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Two nuns are sitting in their car one evening, stuck at traffic lights.

As the lights turn green, out of nowhere, a vampire appears in front of their car!

Sister Mary turns to the more experienced Sister Agnes and cries out "Sister! A manifestation of pure evil! What shall we do!?"

Sister Agnes, with all of her holy wisdom, stays calm and says "Sister Mary...

Melissa's parrot was a horribly, horribly foul-mouthed bird-

One day, after having this parrot for a while, she's finally gotten fed up with listening to the darn thing cursing at her all the time, and so she takes the \*\^$@!! thing to the vet.

The vet tells her, "Look, Melissa, I had a parrot in here a while back that had the same problem as yours- I...

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Foul mouthed parrot

An old woman has a pet parrot with a filthy vocabulary. She warns him again and again to clean up his language. He just replies, "S\*!#w You, you old B\*\^$h.

So she grabs him and sticks him in the fridge to teach him a lesson.

As the poor parrot is there in the fridge, getting colder ...

Heard this ADhD joke a while back. A man walks into a bar with a penguin and a foul-mouthed parrot and somehow wins a bet or something.

Sorry, I guess I wasn't really paying attention.



I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity...

And then it hit me.

Foul Mouthed Parrot

One day a woman was walking by a pet store and the parrot call out as she approaches "Awk! Hey Lady! You're ugly!" The woman is irritated but keeps walking.

The next day, the woman walks past the same store and the parrot again calls out "Awk! Hey Lady! You're ugly!" as the woman draws nea...

A priest and a nun…

A priest and a nun were out playing golf one day. They get to about hole 5 when the priest has a 10 ft putt for par. He lines up his putt but misses and yells out “Damnit! I missed!” The nun looks flabbergasted and says “Father, you know you shouldn’t be using foul language like that!” The priest sa...

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Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for...

An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him

“Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!”.

The drunk looks at her and asks “How do you know that drinking is so bad for you?”.

The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The drunk says “Have yo...

There once was a woman that was married to a man who would make extremely foul and disgusting farts every morning as soon as he woke up.

Every time he did, the woman got angry and told him, “One of these days, Walter, you’re going to fart your guts out!”

One morning, the woman woke up early to cook a turkey for a dinner they were hosting that evening. As she removed the turkey’s entrails, she had an idea to teach her husband a...

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Christmas joke

Little Tommy’s mother takes him to go see Santa at Christmas time. Santa asks Tommy, “What would you like for Christmas?”.

Tommy looks Santa in the eye and says, “Listen, I’ve been a good boy all year. All I want is a train set. Nothing more, nothing less, just a train set!”. Santa looks ove...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

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Little Johnny had a foul mouth

His mother was at the end of her wit. Not knowing what to do, she went to the local Church to counsel with the Priest.

"Father, my little boy is a darling but he has a wicked habit of saying nasty words. I don't know where he learnt them but he says things that would make a sailor blush! What...

Four kids were being tried in court after some foul behavior at the zoo.

The judge asked each one of them to come forward, say their names, and what they had done.



The first child stepped forward and said, "My name is Jimmy, and I threw peanuts in the elephant pen."

The next said, "My name is Susan, and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
...

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and scr...

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Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

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Two dogs are sitting in a field.

First dog turns to the second dog and says damn man you smell like shit! Have you been rolling in shit?

Yep.

Wow. That is foul. Is it like a compulsive behavior?

Nope.

Do you do it to cover your scent up, like to ward off predators?

Nope.

Is it some weird ...

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.


The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled ...

What do you call a water foul on acid?

Peking duck.

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Jim, the foul mouthed 1st grader.

Jim's a special boy. His teacher knows he's had it rough and understands why he's a disruptive and crude child yet she avoids calling on him when his hand is raised; he's got a terribly foul mouth.

While reviewing the alphabet, the teacher was asking the students for names of animals with co...

A newlywed couple was on vacation when they heard about a prophet who lived in the hills nearby...

They were told by their hotel concierge that he always spoke the truth and could tell them their future, so, filled with curiousity, they went to see him. As they approached the hut, they noticed a terrible smell coming from inside but they pressed on.

The old man was sitting in a chair, wit...

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Last night my wife served me something for dinner that was so foul

I gave it to the dog and he licked his arse to get the taste out of his mouth

Residents of Paris complaining of foul smell from burning wood in Notre Dame.

Because . . . . pew. (too soon?)

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

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Foul mouthed parrot

A woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot.
She finds there’s three birds available. Two fine plumed parrots for 200$ and a really exotic multicolored one for 20$.

The pet shop owner explained that the beautiful one is on discount because of its coarse language from having previously...

At first I suspected foul play in the whole Aaron Hernandez suicide thing.

But I think he was just a guy at the end of his rope.

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Foul-mouthed Timmy

Timmy, a 6 year old, was walking home one day, when he heard his neighbors screaming, "Put your penis in my vagina!" Timmy goes home to his mother, who is cooking dinner for a dinner party with their neighbors. Timmy asks his mother, "What does penis and vagina mean?" His mother says that a penis is...

What fowl plays foul when playing hide and go seek?

A Peking duck

One day at the bar, the warden of a prison and the manager of a football club get into a argument about football.

The warden mocks the manager’s players. Saying they are pathetic, over-payed babies who collapse whenever there’s a slight breeze. He claims that his inmates, could beat them easily as they are made of sterner stuff.

The manager laughs. The inmates are all criminals, they would cheat or even ...

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What's in a name?

An American college student visits Ireland while traveling throughout Europe. He finds a quiet town and enters a pub. It's empty save for the bartender and an old man at the far end of the bar. The American student sits down and politely orders a Guinness.

The old man speaks loudly and unprom...

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Bukka Bukka *warning a little foul language*

So, These 2 explorers get captured by a bunch of natives down in africa, well theyre tied up to a stump outside the village when the chief walks up to the first guy an say " Death, or Bukka Bukka" well fuck, i dont wanna die. so bukka bukka. well the chief drags him into the middle of the village an...

A hole has been found in the outer wall of a nudist camp. Foul play suspected...

Investigators are looking into it.

Who do you call to clean up foul language?

A cuss-todian!

What country uses the most foul language?

Turkey

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A tourist is walking through an isolated village in India

As his walk progresses, his stomach starts to gurgle and his butt puckers like the mouth of an infant who was cruelly given a lemon.

He looks around for a place to privately relieve himself. He sees an outhouse and rushes inside. In the outhouse is just a short divider wall to lean over and...

How do baseball players know when to bathe?

Foul balls

COVID-19 plagues a rural country town in the States.

Lockdowns have been imposed, and the infection rate is rising fast. An overweight and diabetic anti-masker is standing on the steps of the church, going against lockdown procedures, when a bystander coming from the grocery store walks by. “Better return home man, the infection rate is rising fast!”<...

A cosmonaut crash lands

A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere. After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is really ba...

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A Brit, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar…

They each order a shot of whiskey. The place is buzzing with flies, and one lands in each of their shots.

Disgusted, the Brit says to the bartender, “Pardon me, good chap, but could I have another? Your filthy establishment has caused a fly to foul my whiskey.” The bartender pours him a new ...

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A couple of India originated jokes

*****
What is the way to the cemetery?

Go straight and take the last rite
*****

2 men from Kerala get onto a bus in New York. They sit down & engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next 2 them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears...

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A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary lea...

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A bus stops and two Asian men get on.

A bus stops and two Asian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:

"Emma come first. Then I come. Two asses, they come together. I co...

A vulture and his wife are going on vacation to the Bahamas.

With many large suitcases packed, they arrive at the airport and saunter up to the check-in counter. The agent weighs, tags, and sends each bag off, until she notices one giving off a foul smell.

"Sir, are you checking this bag?" The agent asks.

"No, sorry, that's our carrion"

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A man was playing golf with his local Vicar.

The man took his birdie put, but then a gust of wind blew the ball just wide of the hole. The man, being very bad tempered, then exclaimed "Damn - missed the bugger!".

The vicar said to the man "Please do not use foul language again."

They moved onto the next hole and exactly the same ...

What do you call a duck that steals the letters A, E, I, O, and U?

A foul vowel fowl.

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The Parrot at Church

There is a small church in a small community here in my hometown. It is full of all sorts of people. This one lady brought a parrot to church. This was not an ordinary parrot. The parrot was foul mouthed and swore a lot. One day, the preacher told the lady, “Ma’am, I am going to have to ask you to s...

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Timothy was visiting his grandparents

for the weekend. He had just turned 3 years old, and his parents was happy to get a weekend off. His grandparents was very religious people, and did not take care for foul language. Grandma Betty Lou and her friends, Gabby, Millie and Martha had taken Timothy to the playground. Timothy was sliding, ...

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John and the parrot

John brought home a parrot as his pet. He taught the bird how to speak, and was amazed at its learning pace. Being a quick learner, the parrot started picking up words from its surroundings and would keep John entertained.

All was lovely and peaceful until one fine day, the parrot started usi...

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The Robin Barron lets the Cat ouf of the Bag

The Robin Barron raises a motion to prohibiting the riff raff hunting worms.

Now the cat is out of the bag.

Hunger drives the Pigeonlatariate to call for state regulation of the bird feeder.

The Black Birdgeosisie pontificate on the mobs of raucous Gold Pinchers fouling up the w...

Missed my Cake Day but here's a terrible joke (I think) I came up with.

The whole world was in shock last year when Will Smith was found dead. The police suspected foul play but closed the case due to lack of DNA evidence. We're hearing now though that the investigation is being reopened due to the discovery of fresh prints.








I'm sorry...

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A bus stops... [NSFW]

and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-mor...

Why was the referee banned from the arena?

For their foul language.

So this couple goes on vacation to Moscow

One night they decide to take a horse and buggy sight-seeing. They get in a carriage and the driver introduces himself as Rudolf. Off they go.

Unfortunately, the weather turns foul on them. "Darn. It looks like rain," the husband says.

"No. Is drizzle," says the driver.

"Actuall...

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Your life pursuit

Long ago in a distant land an explorer and his large team of bearers, trackers, hunters, cooks, handymen, translators and so on came upon a village of people never before known to the outside world.

Luckily the translators were able to communicate with the people and soon the explorer was tal...

Why’d the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fouls.

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A man on a business trip in Spain decides to take in a bull fight

After the event, he stops in to the little restaurant next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants, he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.

The other customer starts eating what appear to be two large meatballs with great gu...

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A Story from the Old West

Scene: The old west, in a Saloon, somewhere in Dodge City or Tombstone, AZ or the like....


A old man bursts through the doors and starts shouting "Everybody, y'all better clear out o' here.  Big John's a comin' to town!!!"


Everyone in the saloon jumps up knocking over table...

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For All You Disney Fans, here’s a little Story about the time I rode the Monorail at Disneyland

One time while riding the monorail at Disneyland, I let out the loudest, wettest, deepest and almost foul smelling fart I have ever ripped in my life. There are no words in the English language that can describe the absolute rancidity of this fart. It was so putrid that actual green gas was visible ...

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Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Tiffany had prepared a lovely breakfast for her three sons, and asked them what they wanted to eat.

“I’ll have some of that fucking sausage,” said the oldest. Tiffany gave him a proper spanking for his foul language, and sent him to his room without any breakfast.

She returned to the...

A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot

(Long)

She walks in and the merchant shows her the only parrot they have available. "I must warn you" the merchant said, "this parrot was owned previously buy a sailor and has very foul language". Well the woman, like most of us, thought she could change the parrot so she takes the parrot hom...

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

A girl buys a Parrot at a pet store

...unfortunately for her, the parrot is rude and foul mouthed. She tries everything to get the parrot to be more polite, but to no avail. One day, the girl has had enough and slams the parrot in the freezer, locking the door. Later, she hears frantic knocking and, feeling bad, decides to open the do...

A guy adopts a pink parrot from an old sailor....

unfortunately, it swears like an old sailor. He tries everything to get it to stop. He even destroyed the parrot's old cage, but that just made it worse. Then he noticed his mom coming up to the house. What could he do? He couldn't let his dear sweet mother hear this foul mouthed bird. So, he p...

Why can't dogs play foot ball

They're constantly fouling

Why did the rooster go to the basketball game?

He heard that they blow fouls there.

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Grandfather and Grandson

A boy was told to spend the week with his grandparents, so he did. He often found himself spending time with his grandpa. He didn’t know why because his grandpa would not let him do anything.

When they went fishing, the boy asked if he could hold the pole, and his foul mouthed grandpa asked, ...

The circus arrives in town with a novel act - make the bull elephant kneel down and win $1000.

After watching various people trying everything Jimmy steps up to the elephant and gives it a mighty kick in the balls. The elephant collapses and its owner, cursing Jimmy's foul methods, hands over the cash.

The circus moves on to the next town and Jimmy, recognising a good opportunity, foll...

Guy goes into a pet store, looking to buy a parrot...

All the parrots were pretty expensive, except one. He asks the owner of the shop why is this one so cheap? It was a beautiful one to boot! the shop owner explains the the bird has a really dirty mouth and wants to get rid of it. The guy thinks to himself that he can teach it to be polite and not to ...

A woman walks past a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot on display.

She looks at the price. $20. She asks the store clerk as to why the parrot was so cheap.

"Well, you see, the parrot used to belong to a grizzled old sailor who swore a lot. He has quite a vocabulary but a rather foul mouth."

She stares at the bird. Realizing just how good a dea...

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A 3rd grade teacher...

Prepares her 9 year olds for a writing class.

Teacher: “class we will be learning how to write without lifting your pencil off the paper!”

Little Johnny: “I know how to do that!”

Teacher: “You know how to write without lifting off the page!”

Little Johnny : “Yes ma’am t...

At a bus stop near the center of town

An elderly woman gets on the bus and takes a seat behind two old Italian friends engaged in conversation.

"How was your night last night, Tony?"

"Ah Giuseppe, it was a a-wonderful night-a a last-a night-a."

" You see, Emma a-come first, then I come a-next. Then our two asses a...

An elderly woman visits the doctor for, ahem, a little problem.

"You see, doctor..." and she leans in to whisper conspiratorially... "I have flatulence. But you wouldn't know it because it makes no sound and it has no odor. In fact, I'm flatulent right now. Right as we speak, I swear. To be honest I'm not sure I should even bother to do anything about it, it's s...

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A drunk man sits down next to a priest on the subway...

A drunk Man sits down on a subway train next to a catholic priest. The man wreaked of a stale beer and cigarette smoke, his tie was stained with and his shirt filthy, his face plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

The man opened ...

Who Is the Greatest Chicken-killer in Shakespeare?

Macbeth, because to be fair he did murder most foul.

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The secret fishing bait

An angler walks into a tackle shop and heads to the counter. “Give me the best bait you’ve got,” he says. “My buddy told me there’s a fishing spot down by the creek here, and he always get lots of bites when using your bait.”

The clerk pulls out a small jar of bait which fills the shop with ...

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He Has No Class

Donald Trump lands aboard Air Force One at Heathrow, and deplanes to a long red carpet. He walks to where Queen Elizabeth II is waiting to welcome him with much pomp and circumstance.

They are ushered into a new silver Rolls Royce, then chauffeured to Buckingham Palace.

After tea, ...

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A curious lad goes up to his dad after school and asks him “Dad? What’s a cunt?”

His dad scolded him for using such foul language but appreciated the intrigue and curiosity of the kid.

“I’ll show you what it is if you promise to never say that word again”.

The child agreed and the Dad led him by the hand into the room where his mother was asleep. He carefully pull...

What did the knight say to the turnip?

Begone, foul beet!

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A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends

A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends. They have this tradition of meeting up at a certain coffee shop and talking about this and that while they eat their collective favorite desert; cherry pie.

One day, as the friends are enjoying their cherry pie, the topic of who’s religio...

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