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Foul Jokes

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Foul Mouthed Parrots

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bri...

A lady and her foul mouthed bird

So a lady just recently lost her husband and is feeling lonely, so she decided to get a pet, she goes to the pet store and gets a parrot, she bring a it home and it keeps saying the most awful rude and hateful things, she goes back to the pet store and tells the manager, “Hey, my bird is saying such...

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Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for...

Johnny: Mum, Dad I got detention for foul language today

Mum: Oh Johnny... what swear word did you say?

Johnny: I didn't swear! All I did was speak French!

Dad: Yes, but that is indeed a foul language

Two brothers are knights, and one is kidnapped by a foul witch

The older brother goes to rescue his brother from the clenches of the awful witch. When he arrives, he points his sword at her and demands that she let his brother go.

"You cannot kill me with that sword, pitiful knight," she says, "for I am far too powerful. You must offer me something in ...

Melissa's parrot was a horribly, horribly foul-mouthed bird-

One day, after having this parrot for a while, she's finally gotten fed up with listening to the darn thing cursing at her all the time, and so she takes the \*\^$@!! thing to the vet.

The vet tells her, "Look, Melissa, I had a parrot in here a while back that had the same problem as yours- I...

Foul Mouthed Parrot

One day a woman was walking by a pet store and the parrot call out as she approaches "Awk! Hey Lady! You're ugly!" The woman is irritated but keeps walking.

The next day, the woman walks past the same store and the parrot again calls out "Awk! Hey Lady! You're ugly!" as the woman draws nea...

I saw a Battle Droid push a foul-mouthed clone trooper off a cliff....

...he was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

What did Oedipus's father say when he heard his son using foul language?

"I hope you don't kiss your mother with that mouth."

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Little Johnny had a foul mouth

His mother was at the end of her wit. Not knowing what to do, she went to the local Church to counsel with the Priest.

"Father, my little boy is a darling but he has a wicked habit of saying nasty words. I don't know where he learnt them but he says things that would make a sailor blush! What...

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Foul mouthed parrot

A woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot.
She finds there’s three birds available. Two fine plumed parrots for 200$ and a really exotic multicolored one for 20$.

The pet shop owner explained that the beautiful one is on discount because of its coarse language from having previously...

Four kids were being tried in court after some foul behavior at the zoo.

The judge asked each one of them to come forward, say their names, and what they had done.



The first child stepped forward and said, "My name is Jimmy, and I threw peanuts in the elephant pen."

The next said, "My name is Susan, and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
...

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Foul mouthed parrot

An old woman has a pet parrot with a filthy vocabulary. She warns him again and again to clean up his language. He just replies, "S\*!#w You, you old B\*\^$h.

So she grabs him and sticks him in the fridge to teach him a lesson.

As the poor parrot is there in the fridge, getting colder ...

What do you call a Russian footballer who keeps fouling?

Sendimov

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Foul-mouthed Timmy

Timmy, a 6 year old, was walking home one day, when he heard his neighbors screaming, "Put your penis in my vagina!" Timmy goes home to his mother, who is cooking dinner for a dinner party with their neighbors. Timmy asks his mother, "What does penis and vagina mean?" His mother says that a penis is...

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Jim, the foul mouthed 1st grader.

Jim's a special boy. His teacher knows he's had it rough and understands why he's a disruptive and crude child yet she avoids calling on him when his hand is raised; he's got a terribly foul mouth.

While reviewing the alphabet, the teacher was asking the students for names of animals with co...

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one ...

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Little Tommy And The Party of Foul

Little Tommy's parents are throwing a meet-n-greet for their new neighbours, so they're preparing for their arrival. Problem is, they didn't plan ahead properly and are faced with less time than they thought they had before it starts; Tommy walks in on his parents in an argument, upon which he hears...

What do you call a water foul on acid?

Peking duck.

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

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Bukka Bukka *warning a little foul language*

So, These 2 explorers get captured by a bunch of natives down in africa, well theyre tied up to a stump outside the village when the chief walks up to the first guy an say " Death, or Bukka Bukka" well fuck, i dont wanna die. so bukka bukka. well the chief drags him into the middle of the village an...

Who do you call to clean up foul language?

A cuss-todian!

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Two nuns are sitting in their car one evening, stuck at traffic lights.

As the lights turn green, out of nowhere, a vampire appears in front of their car!

Sister Mary turns to the more experienced Sister Agnes and cries out "Sister! A manifestation of pure evil! What shall we do!?"

Sister Agnes, with all of her holy wisdom, stays calm and says "Sister Mary...

A priest and a nun…

A priest and a nun were out playing golf one day. They get to about hole 5 when the priest has a 10 ft putt for par. He lines up his putt but misses and yells out “Damnit! I missed!” The nun looks flabbergasted and says “Father, you know you shouldn’t be using foul language like that!” The priest sa...

Residents of Paris complaining of foul smell from burning wood in Notre Dame.

Because . . . . pew. (too soon?)

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Last night my wife served me something for dinner that was so foul

I gave it to the dog and he licked his arse to get the taste out of his mouth

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A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary lea...

Heard this ADhD joke a while back. A man walks into a bar with a penguin and a foul-mouthed parrot and somehow wins a bet or something.

Sorry, I guess I wasn't really paying attention.



What country uses the most foul language?

Turkey

At first I suspected foul play in the whole Aaron Hernandez suicide thing.

But I think he was just a guy at the end of his rope.

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and scr...

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

There once was a woman that was married to a man who would make extremely foul and disgusting farts every morning as soon as he woke up.

Every time he did, the woman got angry and told him, “One of these days, Walter, you’re going to fart your guts out!”

One morning, the woman woke up early to cook a turkey for a dinner they were hosting that evening. As she removed the turkey’s entrails, she had an idea to teach her husband a...

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A bus stops... [NSFW]

and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-mor...

a man buys a parrot

A man buys a parrot. The bird is beautiful, but swears in the most foul manner all day long.

The man tries everything to silence the parrot: he covers the cage, he turns on loud music, he threatens to hit the parrot... but it's all of no use.

After a few days of incessant ranting, he b...

A hole has been found in the outer wall of a nudist camp. Foul play suspected...

Investigators are looking into it.

I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity...

And then it hit me.

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.


The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled ...

A chicken walks into a bar and goes "buk buk buckaw."

The bartender says, "Sorry, no foul language at the bar."

The chicken then says, "I pledge to never buckaw again!"

The bartender replies, "no swearing, either."

Police were called in to investigate a dead librarian found crushed under a ton of books

Despite initial suspicion of foul play, the officers analyzed the poor construction of the room and determined that the librarian had only his shelf to blame.

Never trust a ruler...

with them, you always know something foul is a-foot!

The Pope and a cardinal are on a long flight

To pass the time, the Pope is doing a crossword when he turns to the cardinal and asks:

"Cardinal, do you know a four letter word for an unpleasant woman? It ends with U-N-T?"

The cardinal immediately thinks of a word too foul for him to utter. After thinking for a couple minutes, the ...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

Dave was struggling with his parrot that was constantly using bad language, so he sought help from the vet.

“Every time the bird swears," said the vet, "Put it in the freezer for 15 seconds.”

Dave decided to follow the advice, and after trying it for the first time, found the parrot shivering and apologetic when he took it out of the freezer.

The bird said, "I'm sorry for all the bad langu...

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

A guy adopts a pink parrot from an old sailor....

unfortunately, it swears like an old sailor. He tries everything to get it to stop. He even destroyed the parrot's old cage, but that just made it worse. Then he noticed his mom coming up to the house. What could he do? He couldn't let his dear sweet mother hear this foul mouthed bird. So, he p...

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?

He heard the ref was blowing fouls

Do look at the funny thing that man's got over his face. Is it a bird cage?

Said the young woman at her first baseball game.

Friend: "Not exactly. It's to keep the fouls out."



Source: 1913 Newpaper

How the Angel Came to be on Top of the Christmas Tree

There had been no snow during the entire month of November, and there
didn't appear to be coming any snow any time soon, either. The elves in
the bicycle department had been on strike since October, and there was the
possibility that the elves in the doll department might join them.
...

An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him

“Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!”.

The drunk looks at her and asks “How do you know that drinking is so bad for you?”.

The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The drunk says “Have yo...

How do baseball players know when to bathe?

Foul balls

Ladder to the top.

A man awakes to find himself in a room with a ladder to the floor above and a $10 bill. A voice speaks “accept what is offered or climb the ladder to success.”

“$10 isn’t much” he thinks so he climbs the ladder. On the next floor he finds $1,000 in cash and a moderately attractive woman willi...

What do you call a duck that steals the letters A, E, I, O, and U?

A foul vowel fowl.

One day at the bar, the warden of a prison and the manager of a football club get into a argument about football.

The warden mocks the manager’s players. Saying they are pathetic, over-payed babies who collapse whenever there’s a slight breeze. He claims that his inmates, could beat them easily as they are made of sterner stuff.

The manager laughs. The inmates are all criminals, they would cheat or even ...

A reporter is interviewing a man on his 110th birthday.

She asks him how he did it, and he says he never raises his voice, indulges in alcohol, uses foul language or fornicates.

Just then there's a loud crash and curse and scream from an adjoining room. The reporter asks the man what's going on back there? The man says, oh that's nothing, it's pr...

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Two men are having a business meeting in a small coffee shop...

...when a barista approaches and asks them what they'd like. The first man says that he'd like a glass of water. The barista replies "One glass of H2O coming right up." then turns to the second man and asks him what he'd like. The second man replies "I'd like a glass of H2O too, please". The Barista...

Why was the referee banned from the arena?

For their foul language.

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Two dogs are sitting in a field.

First dog turns to the second dog and says damn man you smell like shit! Have you been rolling in shit?

Yep.

Wow. That is foul. Is it like a compulsive behavior?

Nope.

Do you do it to cover your scent up, like to ward off predators?

Nope.

Is it some weird ...

A vulture and his wife are going on vacation to the Bahamas.

With many large suitcases packed, they arrive at the airport and saunter up to the check-in counter. The agent weighs, tags, and sends each bag off, until she notices one giving off a foul smell.

"Sir, are you checking this bag?" The agent asks.

"No, sorry, that's our carrion"

Why can't dogs play foot ball

They're constantly fouling

A cosmonaut crash lands

A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere. After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is really ba...

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A Brit, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar…

They each order a shot of whiskey. The place is buzzing with flies, and one lands in each of their shots.

Disgusted, the Brit says to the bartender, “Pardon me, good chap, but could I have another? Your filthy establishment has caused a fly to foul my whiskey.” The bartender pours him a new ...

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Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Tiffany had prepared a lovely breakfast for her three sons, and asked them what they wanted to eat.

“I’ll have some of that fucking sausage,” said the oldest. Tiffany gave him a proper spanking for his foul language, and sent him to his room without any breakfast.

She returned to the...

Why did the rooster go to the basketball game?

He heard that they blow fouls there.

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A Priest dies & is waiting in line at heavens gate...

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God to the guy : Who are you ?

Guy: I am an NYC cab driver.

God : Take this gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.

God to the Priest : Who are you ?

Priest ...

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The Robin Barron lets the Cat ouf of the Bag

The Robin Barron raises a motion to prohibiting the riff raff hunting worms.

Now the cat is out of the bag.

Hunger drives the Pigeonlatariate to call for state regulation of the bird feeder.

The Black Birdgeosisie pontificate on the mobs of raucous Gold Pinchers fouling up the w...

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Christmas joke

Little Tommy’s mother takes him to go see Santa at Christmas time. Santa asks Tommy, “What would you like for Christmas?”.

Tommy looks Santa in the eye and says, “Listen, I’ve been a good boy all year. All I want is a train set. Nothing more, nothing less, just a train set!”. Santa looks ove...

So this couple goes on vacation to Moscow

One night they decide to take a horse and buggy sight-seeing. They get in a carriage and the driver introduces himself as Rudolf. Off they go.

Unfortunately, the weather turns foul on them. "Darn. It looks like rain," the husband says.

"No. Is drizzle," says the driver.

"Actuall...

What do you call two acids with an attitude?

An a-mean-o acid, but the sour-foul-ric acids are the worst.

What did the knight say to the turnip?

Begone, foul beet!

Who Is the Greatest Chicken-killer in Shakespeare?

Macbeth, because to be fair he did murder most foul.

Guy goes into a pet store, looking to buy a parrot...

All the parrots were pretty expensive, except one. He asks the owner of the shop why is this one so cheap? It was a beautiful one to boot! the shop owner explains the the bird has a really dirty mouth and wants to get rid of it. The guy thinks to himself that he can teach it to be polite and not to ...

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Timothy was visiting his grandparents

for the weekend. He had just turned 3 years old, and his parents was happy to get a weekend off. His grandparents was very religious people, and did not take care for foul language. Grandma Betty Lou and her friends, Gabby, Millie and Martha had taken Timothy to the playground. Timothy was sliding, ...

I'd hate to play baseball with the witches from Macbeth

Because they think that Fair is Foul and Foul is Fair.

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A drunk man sits down next to a priest on the subway...

A drunk Man sits down on a subway train next to a catholic priest. The man wreaked of a stale beer and cigarette smoke, his tie was stained with and his shirt filthy, his face plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

The man opened ...

LeBron James yelled "F&%@# YOU!" as he collided with the opponent while driving to the hoop with the ball. However the opponent had both feet planted.

The refs found the foul to be offensive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the scientists that successfully cross bred a duck with a golden retriever?

The results were good, but she was a foul bitch.

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Two bums are walking down the street

Two bums are walking down the street when the 1st bum notices a foul smell. He turns to his buddy and asks “Whew, Raymond, did you shit your pants!?”

“Nah man, I didn’t.”

They walk a bit further when the 1st bum realizes something still really stinks. He asks again”Hey Raymond! You’re ...

What do you call a baseball that hasn’t been washed in over a year?

A foul ball.

Did you hear about the mansplainer who died?

Some people suspected foul play, but he fell into a well, actually.

The makers of summers eve

The makers of summers eve has release a new product line for men. A spray for men called umpire, for foul balls.

A girl buys a Parrot at a pet store

...unfortunately for her, the parrot is rude and foul mouthed. She tries everything to get the parrot to be more polite, but to no avail. One day, the girl has had enough and slams the parrot in the freezer, locking the door. Later, she hears frantic knocking and, feeling bad, decides to open the do...

I was about to be given a yellow card for punching another player in the face, but then the ref noticed I was an amputee.

No arm, no foul.

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