What did the suicide bombers' teacher told their students in the practical lesson?

Pay attention, because I'll teach you guys ONLY ONCE!

One time Chuck Norris pee'd in the tank of a semi-truck as a practical joke.

That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

I was thinking about doing a practical joke involving herbs

But I’m not gonna waste my thyme

Why did Neo divorce his wife after she played a practical joke on him?

He was tired of the Mate Tricks

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There was a crew on the job that had fun with practical jokes and most of them were harmless...[NSFW]

But then one day they somehow put the porta-potty on the roof.




They took that shit to an entirely different level.

I egged my mate's car in retaliation for a cruel practical joke he played on me.

Now the yolk is on him.

The new French tanks are very practical

Now they have rear view mirrors to see how the battle is going.

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Practical thought:

A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...!

Practical joke

An intern decided to play a practical joke on a patient husband. He went to the waiting room. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news" the intern said "your wife is going to be a vegetable. You will have to bath her, feed her and care for her the rest of her life". The husband said in tears "oh my God...

An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...

Professional Practical Jokes on the Groom

A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.

"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.

"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love,...

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

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A mathematician and an engineer are in a room with a naked woman

The woman is horny, and says to the two that she will have sex with the first person to reach her. However, she is on a bed 10 feet away from them. Their condition is to start at that 10 foot mark together, and move half the available distance each time the decide to move closer.

The mathemat...

A sailor is newly stationed on a submarine. He arrives to find all the other sailors at their posts performing different tasks. One is scrubbing the floor. One is restocking the shelves. One is inspecting the missiles. Etc., etc.

After 15 minutes, all the sailors switch posts/jobs. After another 15 minutes, they all switch again. Happens a third time 15 minutes later. This behavior is so odd, the sailor asks his commanding officer: “is this some kind of unique practical joke you’re playing on the new guy?”

“No,” r...

The gynecologist who became a mechanic!

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligentl...

There was a stand-up comedian notorious for his practical jokes.

So one day, during a performance, he asked that anyone from the audience come on to the stage. A blond girl walked up. He asked her, "Can you tell us a joke?". The blond girl was well aware that the comedian was trying to pull some prank. She had decided that, no matter what, she would not fall for ...

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It was autumn, and the natives on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter.

Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter.

A few days later, as a practical aftertho...

I was chatting with a blacksmith . .

As he hammered away at the steel, I asked him what he was working on. “I make swords” he replied. “Well that seems kind of silly,” I said. “In this day and age the only practical weapon to own is a gun”

He looked up from the forge and gave me a long look before saying, “When all of the bullet...

I opened the dictionary

To check the meaning of Practical joke. It said *see fooling*

I checked fooling and it said *see Practical joke*.

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Dating techniques

One afternoon, Schmitt met up with his ex-colleague for a cup of tea. Schmitt had been single since the day he was born, so it was to his frustration when his previous lab partner, Martin, was no longer single. After another subtle round of boasting (or so Schmitt thought), Schmitt decided to ask f...

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The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.

It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit...

A former proctologist was getting tired of his job and the relentless teasing of his friends...

...so he decided to explore the field of auto mechanics.

He went to an auto trade school to get certified and generally excelled at everything. After a lengthy time, the day of his final certification test finally arrived. The former proctologist conducted the hands-on practical and then ea...

My wife and I have two girls, 18 and 21,

not very practical names now, but they will grow into them.

A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.

They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off". The engineer agreed to go...

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.

The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the w...

After months of intense meditation in a shaolin temple I was ready for the final test.

The head of the order looked at me kneeling and spoke. ''You've done exceptionally well. You've mastered the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional. Now you must face the practical. The moment you walk out of here your path will seem clear to you, but that doesn't mean it's right.'

So I g...

The Ladder

On my way back from work, I stop the car in the driveway and see my neighbor doing something quite strange.
Going up and down a ladder against the side of his garage, he seemed to be having some trouble with a tape measure.
It looked like he was trying to measure the ladder itself, though I th...

I finally got such a roof box for the car.

I finally got such a roof box for the car. Really practical, I have to say. You hardly hear the children anymore.

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Two blind pilots, both wearing dark glasses, walk up the aisle to the cockpit

One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along with a cane. 
 
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the two enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. 
 
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is jus...

An old woman is having her 90th birthday.

She has three sons, and each of them has been very successful in life. They realized this might be her last year, and each decided to get something special for her.

The first got thought that she must find the same old house boring after living in it for all her life and bought her a mansion....

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An american goes to britian shortly after the revolutionary war

While walking through the streets, he got looks of disgust, rude comments, or no attention at all. Eventually, one family kindly invites the man over to dinner.They start eating and talking, but the american says he has to use the bathroom. He asks where the bathroom is to go and do his business. Wh...

[LONG] A man is trying to land his dream job of being a barber...

For months he’s been studying proper haircutting technique. He has painstakingly flipped through each page of the most rigorous hair textbooks, watched video tutorials from the best salons, and read countless articles about current hairstyles.

Finally, it was the day of his job interview. He ...

Jim had a pregnant wife who was soon to give birth.

One day, he’s on his way home from work, when he gets the call that his wife has gone into labour. In a panic, he races to get to the hospital, but swerves his car and crashes into the ditch. When he wakes up, he finds himself in the hospital, with his brother Jack, an irascible practical joker, l...

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Bruce and a Rich Man

A rather stupid, but rich man was on a luxury cruise when he met a French man named Bruce.
Bruce seemed to be quite popular on the cruise ship, as he had made a name for himself as a diver. It got to the point where he was just referred to as Bruce Diver. He would often tell people about wh...

A mathematician and a physicist are given no food for 24 hours as a part of a psychology experiment.

After the 24 hours, both of them are placed on one end of a room, with a steaming plate of food on the other side.

The psychologist explains, “Every five minutes, you will be moved halfway across the room, until you reach the food.”

The mathematician is furious and says, “This is ridic...

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Three maggots are left crawling around at the bottom of a garbage bin.

One day they all turn into flies, one male and two female, and start buzzing around the inside of the bin.

The female, realising there's no practical way out, turns to the other female fly and says, "Hey how do you get out of the garbage bin?" The other female fly says, "I don't know maybe as...

A guide to effective academic communication

Academic phrases and their translations

==================================

* It has long been known = I haven't bothered to look up the reference


* It is believed = I think


* It is generally believed = A couple of other guys think so too


* It is n...

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They're practical, and not very good at humor

A man's car breaks down on the side of the road...

Because he's out in the middle of nowhere and his car seems beyond all hope, he begins to walk. After just a few miles he seems a discarded bottle that looks too fancy to just be litter. He picks it up and rubs the dirt off of it and suddenly a genie appears.
The genie promises to grant him thre...

Little Johnny and his dad...

Little Johnny was having a problem with his homework.
"Dad" he asked, "What is the difference between anger and exasperation?"’
"Well, son",’ said his father, ‘"I'll give you a practical demonstration".’
His father picked up the phone and dialled a number on speaker volume.
"Hello",’ sai...

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Blind pilots

A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.

As the ...

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Flying blind

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get underway.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind; the p...

The Interstate to Hawaii

A guy is walking along a beach and discovers a broken bottle, from which a genie comes appears. The genie informs the guy that he can have one wish granted with the caveat of no asking for more wishes.

The guy makes his wish: “Can you build an interstate to Hawaii because I hate flying and dr...

An Italian and A Greek debate culture.

An Italian and a Greek are debating the intellectual and cultural values of their respective countries. The Greek scoffs, "You Italians learned everything you know from us Greeks. For instance, we came up with the Classical Pantheon." The Italian replies, "Yes, but we improved upon everything you di...

A mathematician and an engineer are sitting at a table..

drinking when a very beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the bar.

The mathematician sighs. "I'd like to talk to her, but first I have to cover half the distance between where we are and where she is, then half of the distance that remains, then half of that distance, and so on. The seri...

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Here's a joke for you.

Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope. Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

This last bit translates into some practical advice. If you go fishing, don't bring a Baptist; he'll drink all the beer. But if you bring two of them, you'll have it all...

Why did so many KGB officers become cab drivers after the fall of the USSR?

It was very practical! You just had to tell them your name and they already knew your address.

The Difference Between Software Engineers and Middle Managers

A man is riding a hot air balloon through the middle of Kansas when he descends toward the surface to ask for directions.
He hollers for the attention of the man standing in the middle of the field and asks: "Where am I"?

The man responds: "You're currently about 25 feet above the ground i...

My Math Professor Told Us This Joke Today.

A mathematician had a change of heart and decided to embark on a career change to become a fire fighter. He walks into a fire station, approaches the supervisor and demands to be hired.

Even though there were positions open, the supervisor doesn't consider the mathematician very practical and...

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital. He gets guided round most of the wards by a resident doctor, and things seem okay. They have just one more ward to go, when the doctor's pager goes off and he runs to take an emergency call, the inspector decides to proceed, and asks the...

I have 10 sons and 2 daughters, and I gave the same name to all of them, Jamie...

...It's quite practical, she said, if I need to wake them up I just shout "wake up Jamie!". If I need them to eat I just say "Jamie! Dear, dinner is ready!". They all obey simultaneously.

The interviewer asks "So how do you refer to them when you need to speak to one of them specifically?"...

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A mathematician and an engineer walks into a bar

There was a dating event going on and they were both single as expected. So they decided to participate.

A bartender introduced them into a room with a very hot girl standing on the other side across the room. The participants and the hot girl were separated by a distance of exactly 50 meters...

The difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician

An engineer and a mathematician volunteer for a test, they are both led into a large room with nothing but a naked woman at the far end. Both men are told they can do anything they want to the woman but they can only move half the distance closer whenever the tester blows a whistle.

"What's t...

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A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat...

A man walks into a pub, followed by an ostrich and a cat. He walks to the bar and asks for a a pint of beer. The ostrich asks for a pint of beer too, and the cat says "same as them, but I'm not paying." The bartender says "that'll be $22.50". The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $22...

What's the difference between theory and practice?

Reading one of the posts currently in the front of /r/jokes reminded me of one of the Polish jokes about technical universities:

> We call something theoretical knowledge when things don't work correctly but everybody knows why.

> We call something practical knowledge when things...

The engineer and the mathematician

A mathematician and an engineer are at a bar when the most beautiful woman either of them has ever seen approaches them.

She takes them to a football field and tells them, "I'm going to stand on the far goal line, and you'll stand on this one. Whichever of you reaches me first can do whateve...

A mathematician and engineer walk into a bar and see a beautiful woman

They are both told that every ten seconds they could move halfway the distance from the beautiful girl. The mathematician runs away crying. When he was asked why he ran away, he said, "Well, if I keep on moving up half the distance, I'll never get to zero. I'd never get to her!" The engineer got to ...

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Rick and Jerry went hunting

Rick and Jerry, after 2 days of tracking a buck, made their way into a clearing. both men are exhausted, getting little sleep during their expedition, and Rick decides that after the last 9 straight hours in the bush, he deserves to take a much needed bathroom break. after Jerry had finished gutting...

the knights

What is the name of the knight who moonlights as a geologist?

Sir Vey

What is the name of the agreeable knight?

Sir Tenly

What is the name of the Knight who used to be a slave?

Sir Vent

What are the names of the Knights who run the graduation ceremony?
...

A gynecologist decides to make a career change...

He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."

The doctor...

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Two old planes, Ansaldo and Altonov, are playing truth or dare.

After doing some typically stupid things, as one does when choosing 'dare' in a game of truth or dare, Ansaldo chooses 'truth'.

"What is a secret you've never told anyone that has a practical impact on your life?" Antonov asks very specifically.

"Well, the truth is," Ansaldo begins, ...

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Showed up in my feed

1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!

2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs & lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy....

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A Pope Joke,..

Pope Benny Ratzinger was out on Romes high street looking for a replacement Popemobile.The old one was getting long in the tooth and way past its prime. John Paul had never take service and oil change stickers seriously.

Now this is before all the austerity stuff was really kicking in,and h...

Math in the real world

Basic Math is the subject I teach at a small community college in western North Carolina. I call one part of the curriculum Practical Applications for Living in the Real World. The day after I presented a lesson on simple and compound interest, one of my older students approached me in the hallway. ...

The Librarian & The Chicken - Finally found a place to tell this joke.

Librarian is working at the checkout desk when a chicken walks up and say "Book, book". The Librarian looks around and thinks someone is playing a practical joke on her so she decides to play along and picks out a couple of books for the chicken. Chicken takes the books and walks out of the Librar...

Name the bird...

In a bio practical exam -

Examiner: Here are few pictures of bird legs. You got to identify the bird by just looking at the the legs. Here you go. Name the first bird in here.

Kid: I don't know.

Examiner: What!! you don't know ..what kind of an answer is that. I got to mark you ...

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